*****

I was almost out of town when I turned back for just one more look at her. It was stupid and I knew it. The longer I stayed the greater the chance that she�d see me. All her friends had seen me already, but not her.

I think I wanted her to see me on some level. To see me, to get mad at me, to prove to me that she still cared. Seeing her talking with that boy, Riley Finn, hurt. This was what I wanted for her, a normal relationship that would make her happy. It still hurt, worse than holy water or sunlight could.

Whatever the reason, I came back. To my disappointment Buffy was already gone. Giles stood in the door of his apartment, �No one else leaves until you help me with cleaning up,� he states.

Willow, Xander and the other girl, the odd one, made faces, but moved to clear the dishes.

�Isn�t it about time someone fed me?� Spike demanded. He was still securely tied to his chair.

�There aren�t any butcher shops open this late on a holiday,� Giles replies.

�Well couldn�t one of you just bleed a little?� Spike asks.

�No way, I�m not letting any vampire, let alone you snack on me,� Xander says.

�Spike, you�re just going to have to wait,� Giles adds.

�I�m bloody hungry now!� Spike snaps.

He wasn�t kidding; I could sense his hunger. Like all of my children I retain a slight bond with Spike, his hunger was a sharp physical pain.

To be that bad it must have been weeks since he last ate. I know from experience how long it takes for the hunger to reach that pitch. I really wished someone would feed him, now that I was close enough for the bond to make me aware of his condition I couldn�t get it out of my head. Even if I left Sunnydale my memories would supply the details of what he was feeling.

Empathy, a very odd emotion for a vampire to feel, yet another way in which my soul makes me different. Vampires, as a rule are incapable of empathy. Other�s emotions and pain have no baring on us. I think that�s why we from the mind bond. Without them most new fledglings would probably die from simple neglect. Their needs would be completely ignored by their sire. The bond alters that, with the bond your childe�s pain is your own. It encourages the older vampire to fix the problem.

Somehow Spike has also formed a bond with Dru; it�s the only way I can explain their love. Other than them I have never heard of a bond between vampires other than that of childe to sire. Maybe it formed because they�re both my children, both tied to me, and then the curse removed me from the equation.

With my soul I can see that Spike is hungry and remember how it felt to starve and I feel empathy for him. I�m still a vampire, still his sire, the bond insists I do something about his needs, his pain is literally mine. I wish that they�d feed him. I wish I could walk into that room and take care of the problem myself. I hope they leave him alone soon, they may have the option of ignoring his pain, I don�t.

In truth I doubt they even have an inkling of how bad the hunger is, despite Spike�s vary vocal complaints.

They�ve never faced starvation, let alone the clawing desperation one of my kind can feel. The bloodlust is almost a separate entity, a beast, tearing at your mind and body, demanding appeasement.

They actually make it harder for him; I wonder if they realize that it�s torture for him to smell their blood, hear it rushing through their veins and still be unable to feed. If anything hunger sharpens the senses, making it more unbearable.

Finally they�re leaving, Giles is still there, it is his home after all. I consider waiting for him to go to bed but decide a few words might prove beneficial.

I go and knock on his door; he seems as surprised to see me tonight as he was when I first arrived.

�Angel, I thought you left,� he says.

�There�s one more thing I needed to see to,� I reply.

�The vengeance spirit isn�t gone?� Giles asks.

�It�s gone, Spike is why I�m here,� I reply, I had other reasons for staying, but Giles doesn�t need to know that.

�What about Spike?�

I can see anticipation in Spike�s eyes, I know he understands what I intend.

�I can�t bite,� he says.

I go to stand behind him, for a second I allow my body to assume it�s true form. The change in my features is the most dramatic alteration, but not the only one. I draw a heavy talon across the skin of my wrist. Dark vampiric blood wells up sluggishly filling the shallow cut. I offer it to Spike.

He leans forward as far as his bonds allow, drinking frantically. His dull, human teeth dig into my forearm, he�s not trying to draw more blood, it�s the only thing he can do to prevent his food source from being taken.

I swallow softly, what he�s doing feels good. Yet another survival of the species instinct, if it didn�t feel good to allow our blood to be taken there wouldn�t be many new vampires made. Everything a vampire does is, ultimately, selfish; it�s just how our demon operates.

I�ve heard arguments that this is the same for humans, that there is always some return. One example is doing charitable acts solely for the good feelings the person receives in returns.

Vampires don�t bother to cloak their motives. Why would they, they don�t attach feelings of shame or guilt to selfishness.

My experience proves that the soul is what allows humans to connect with one another, to feel empathy and sympathy. That is what vampires lack, we have all the other emotions with or without soul. For example I didn�t stop loving Buffy when I lost my soul, but it certainly changed how that love was expressed. With my soul I want what�s best for her, without it I just wanted her, forever, regardless of the cost to her. So I tried to make her like Dru.

Dru is mine, eternally, it doesn�t matter what I do she�ll never change in that respect. I abandoned her for a century, while Spike stood beside her; he gave her love and protection. He would have done anything to please her, despite all that she returned to my bed the instant I called.

Without my soul I wanted Buffy to be like that and I didn�t care how I would have to hurt her to achieve my goal. Without my soul her pain could never touch me.

Without a soul self-interest is the only motivation, thus it is important for our species that turning another being should be pleasurable. There has to be some tangible return for the giving of our blood.

As Spike feeds my eyes close, my free arm wraps around his chest, pulling him closer to me. When the wound to my wrist heals I feel Spike licking at my skin, searching for any missed traces of my blood, silently asking me to reopen the wound.

I can only imagine how much the implant must hurt, because despite his still rampant hunger he isn�t even trying to bite me. If he had attempted to feed from me without my permission while I was still soulless I would have punished him severely, but back when I first turned Spike, the threat of punishment never kept him from anything he truly wanted. A hundred years of my demon�s cruelty hadn�t been able to accomplish what this implant has done in less than two months.

Spike wants, needs, more blood, yet he isn�t trying to take it, he only asks and awaits my decision.

With a soft sigh I reopen the vein. I can�t take back turning him into a monster, or the pain that I inflicted upon him while without a soul, I can�t remove the pain this Initiative has inflicted on him, but I can relieve his hunger.

Across the room Giles is watching us, he�s clearly very uncomfortable.

�You really should make sure he has enough to eat if you plan on keeping him like this,� I say. �It�s cruel not to, beyond that it�s dangerous.�

�Dangerous? How so?� Giles asks. �As we understood it the implant prevents him from harming any living creature.�

�It does that by causing him pain,� I reply. �Given enough time the pain of starvation will become more severe than that generated by the implant. What will stop him from feeding then?�

�Yes, I see your point.�

I can see he�s truly taken my words to heart, I won�t have to worry about Spike starving to death any longer. Still� �You might consider sending him down to LA with me.�

�No, I believe we should keep him here, I am concerned about this Initiative�s intentions, and right now Spike is our best source of information.� Giles replies.

That taken care of, I loose myself in the sensation produced by Spike�s feeding again. After he�s done Spike relaxes into my embrace for a few seconds, and the decades fall away. Once be was the center of my world, my first and favorite childe. For a few seconds it�s like that again.

I can feel that he needs this connection almost as badly as I do. For just a moment we�re not outcasts anymore. It�s lonely being trapped between worlds, truly belonging anywhere. Spike doesn�t need a soul to feel that pain.

�The Slayer�s right mad at you for not showing yourself to her,� Spike says softly, he doesn�t seem to want to break this moment but he�s never been able to keep his mouth shut for more than a few minutes.

�She wasn�t supposed to know I was here,� I sigh.

�The annoying twit let it slip,�

I don�t even have to ask who Spike means; Xander has even more trouble with his mouth than Spike does.

�She was upset?� I ask

�Sure mate, the brat lets your name slip and it�s all she can think about,� Spike replies.

�I didn�t mean for that to happen,� I say.

�But you�re glad she still cares enough to hurt,� Spike says. �In the end I couldn�t even hurt Dru anymore, that�s why I left, I knew we weren�t ever getting back together then.�

�I�m sorry,� I whisper.

�Well if I can�t have my girl at least you haven�t got yours either, seems a bit more fair that way.�

I shake my head and laugh. Spike tilts his head back to look up at me, �Well doesn�t it?�

�Suddenly I feel a lot less guilt about breaking the two of you up,� I reply. �After all, according to you it�s only fair. Like you said, if I can�t be with Buffy why should you be with Dru?�

�Weren�t what I said, Peaches,� Spike muttered. �And shouldn�t you be heading back to LA? I�ve had about all of you that I can take.�

In contradiction with his words I can feel that Spike is still relaxed in my embrace, but he�s right, it�s late and I have responsibilities in LA. �If you change you mind or get tried of having to listen to Xander, you might try to talk them into letting you move down to LA with me. I won�t let you cause havoc, but I won�t keep you tied up either.�

�I won�t be dependant on you again,� Spike replies firmly. �It took me too damn long to learn to be my own demon. Thanks for the blood though. Thanks for not attaching any strings, although I�m guessing your soul wouldn�t allow that sort of thing anyway.�

The connection between us is slipping away; reluctantly I let it go. I have to, despite this moment out of time, despite the fact that we�re both desperately lonely and isolated, we�re still enemies. A few moments need for connection can�t erase the uglier aspects of our shared past, and it�s time for me to leave.

end