*****
Xander stood in front of Angel Investigations� new offices trying to work up the nerve to go in.
At least he hadn�t had to wait for the weekend, Xander thought with a sigh. After a month�s unexplained absence from his job he had all the free time he could want, plus a whole bunch.
Resolutely Xander walked into the building, procrastination wasn�t going to make this easier.
�Xander,� Cordelia said, looking up from her computer.
�Cordy, I need to talk to him,� Xander said. �Before I answer Buffy or Giles� questions.�
�He�s in his room, number 217,� Cordelia said. �Try to remember that this stuff didn�t happen yesterday for him. Angel�s had a long time to brood on whatever it is that happened between the two of you. You�d better be ready for some repressed anger.�
�I deserve it,� Xander muttered under his breath as he waited for the elevator. �You have no idea how much I deserve it.�
The ride up to the second floor and the walk down the hall took way too short a time in Xander�s opinion, because now he was standing outside Angel�s door and he still didn�t know what he intended to say to the vampire. He also knew delay was pointless; Angel would know he was standing here.
Determinedly Xander knocked and waited for Angel to open the door.
�Could we please talk about what happened?� Xander asked, stepping past Angel into the shadowy room.
Angel shut the door behind him. �You want to know why I didn�t loose my soul to you,� he said, his voice seductively low and soft.
Xander felt his body responding to Angel�s tone and even more so to the proximity of the vampire as Angel prowled around him, reminding Xander that souled or not, the vampire was most definitely a predator. Though Xander couldn�t fathom why that should be such a turn on.
�You�re thinking maybe it�s because you hurt me, made me bleed,� Angel continued in that same tome, brushing gentle fingers across the nape of Xander�s neck, leaving the younger man painfully conscious of the difference in their skin temperatures even as he tried to focus on Angel�s words.
�Wrong,� Angel purred. �You really think rough sex would be a problem for a vampire? That blood would bother me? I was with Darla for one hundred and forty years. Sex with Darla always involves pain, hers and yours, she likes both. Then there�s Dru, I shaped her tastes, the girl can�t even differentiate between foreplay and torture.�
�But you didn�t have your soul then,� Xander managed to gasp as Angel began unbuttoning the brightly colored shirt Xander wore.
�Angel has a conscious, Angelus doesn�t,� Angel said, lightly circling the dark areolas of Xander�s right nipple with one fingernail, watching in satisfaction as the skin crinkled and the nub hardened. �Angel cares about the people around him, Angelus doesn�t, beyond that there�s not a whole lot of difference. Our tastes are pretty much the same.�
Angel eased Xander�s shirt off his shoulders and let it fall to the floor. The whisper of cloth as it fell from his body was as intoxicating as a caress to Xander.
Angel leaned closer to the younger man, the cool silk of his shirt rubbing against Xander�s skin. �I wouldn�t remember how to be Liam anymore, even if I wanted to. I miss his humanity, his freedom, but I don�t miss the stupidity. Liam never learned that there are always consequences till he was on his knees, dying in the alley behind the local pub. My father was always right about what a worthless thing he was, I don�t miss that.�
Xander couldn�t follow Angel�s words anymore, just the suggestion of sex in his voice, just the feel of Angel�s lips brushing against his cheek when the vampire spoke.
Angel�s fingers traced a path from Xander�s shoulders to his hands, then entwined with Xander�s fingers.
�Next topic,� Angel said, kissing the side of Xander�s neck then running his teeth down the length of Xander�s spine. Xander moaned softly.
�I know,� Angel said, releasing Xander�s hands to unfasten the younger man�s pants. �Maybe you think I didn�t loose my soul because you�re male? Not really an issue. William, Spike to you, was one of the most talented lover�s I�d ever had. Darla told me what we were in life shapes what we become in death. William was a romantic, he still is. He loves everything to do with love, and the act of loving. It makes him very enthusiastic. Penn, on the other hand was hopeless, eager to please, but he just couldn�t get over his Puritan upbringing.�
�I really don�t care about my partner�s sex. I�m not sure if the word slut applies to males, but whatever the equivalent is, that was me. Sex was such an easy way to feel wanted. I enjoyed that, I�d partner with anyone I could talk into coming with me. All I ever cared about was that they desired me, the rest was just details.�
Xander kicked off his shoes to help Angel in divesting him of his jeans and boxers. He was vaguely impressed when his socks went with the rest of his cloths.
Xander reached for Angel, thinking that the vampire still had way too many cloths on, especially considering Xander�s state of undress. Angel caught Xander�s hands as he rose to stand behind him. Angel brought Xander�s hands up over their heads and clasped them behind the vampire�s neck, causing Xander to arc back against his body. When he was sure Xander would leave his hands where they had been placed Angel began caressing Xander�s body. Long, careful strokes, moving across his warm chest, down to his groin and back again. The vampire�s touch caused Xander to writhe pleasurably against Angel.
�Do you want to know why I didn�t loose my soul?� Angel asked, going completely still. �It was because I don�t love you. I just wanted to be not alone. What we do here, today, is just sex, not love, only the barest remnants of affection. Is that a problem for you?�
Xander squirmed against the vampire wanting Angel to continue. He might as well have been cuddling up to a statue. Xander was vaguely aware that he had been asked a question and that Angel was waiting for a response. �Yes?� Xander tried hesitantly.
Angel stepped away from him so abruptly that Xander almost collapsed at the sudden lack of support. �No! Please? What did you say?� Xander stammered.
Angel grinned sardonically. �I asked if it was going to be a problem that I don�t love you.�
Xander thought for a second, putting the pieces together. �I can live with that,� he said. �Especially considering the alternative.�
�And what�s that?� Angel asked, guiding Xander back toward the bed.
�That you did love me,� Xander replied, forcing his brain to keep functioning for just a few moments more. �I wouldn�t survive that, would I?�
Angel laid Xander back on the bed then began undressing himself. �No, you probably wouldn�t,� he said sadly.
After a few moments Angel joined Xander on the bed. He let his weight settle on the younger man, tracing the planes in Xander�s face with his fingers, gradually moving southward to take Xander�s nipple into his mouth.
Xander felt an odd start of pleasure as he smoothed his hands over Angel�s muscular back; he liked the sense of strength and health in the vampire. This wasn�t the Angel he had come to consider a friend back in Chicago, but that didn�t matter. This Angel was more whole. Xander found he was glad for the change.
Maybe today they weren�t even friends, but Xander was certain that could be changed. Maybe they shouldn�t be doing this, and not just because of the curse, but it was something, a way to connect with Angel, to connect this Angel and the one from the past. Maybe it wasn�t the best way but it was the one Angel had chosen and Xander�s body wasn�t about to let him argue.
Certainly not after he felt Angel take him into his mouth. Angel�s mouth was cool and moist, contrasting deliciously with the feverish heat of Xander�s cock. The younger man whimpered and squirmed as the sharp points of Angel�s teeth scraped over his sensitive skin.
Angel grabbed for the lubricant he�d let on the table next to the bed. He�d know Xander would come and sex seemed like the easiest way to take some control of the relationship so he had been prepared. Angel probed Xander�s entrance with one slicked digit, sucking and licking at the other man�s cock. Xander tensed at the tightness of the fit, he couldn�t imagine how the vampire�s cock was supposed to fit there. Then Angel swirled his tongue over the head of Xander�s erection and he forgot everything butt he sensation as he pushed deeper into Angel�s mouth. When Angel felt his partner�s muscles relaxing he added a second finger, scissoring them to encourage Xander�s muscles to open for him.
Consciously relaxing his own muscles, Angel let Xander�s cock slide deeper into his throat and began to purr. Xander screamed and jerked violently as he came.
Post-colital bliss left Xander�s body limp under Angel. Carefully he turned the younger man on his stomach and began kissing and massaging Xander�s back.
Contrary to what he�d told Xander earlier, Angel didn�t really like pain as a part of sex. He�d learned to accept it in his relationship with Darla, and he honestly hadn�t planned that particular quirk in Drucillia�s personality. Sometimes he�d tortured her, other times he�d fucked her, he never realized her damaged mind hadn�t differentiated between the two until long after he�d turned her.
He had no intention of hurting Xander; hence it was important that the boy stay relaxed. Angel wanted this, wanted it to be enjoyed by both of them. Xander he already knew was a safe partner for him, lacking the perfection of his union with Buffy and the taint that filled his dream assignations with Darla.
Xander was warm, available and associated with memories of friendship.
Angel carefully entered the younger man. Xander squirmed uncomfortably beneath him. Willing, but uncertain about this intrusion of his body. Angel paused, letting his hands and mouth wander over the younger man�s body till Xander was moaning again, aroused beyond rational thought. Then Angel pushed forward again. Gradually Angel established a slow gentle rhythm that was quickly driving them to the brink.
The wave of sensation as Angel�s cock bumped against Xander�s prostate caused the younger man to come a second time. The involuntary tightening of muscles around him was enough to send Angel over the edge.
Afterwards Angel lay awake, watching Xander sleep nestled in his arms. The younger man�s longish hair was tousled and his lips were parted slightly, making him look even younger than his twenty years.
Angel wondered what he�d hoped to accomplish through this. Mostly it had been about taking control, he admitted. That was something the souled vampire had precious little of in his life.
The gypsies with their breakable cruse had taken control of what he was allowed to feel. The Powers that Be controlled how he earned his redemption. His supposed employees certainly weren�t under his control, they put themselves at risk whenever they felt like it and did their level best to boss him around when they weren�t. Fate decreed that he couldn�t save everyone, sometimes not even his friends. He hadn�t saved Doyle; he�d come frighteningly close to loosing both Cordelia and Wesley to Wolfram and Hart. McNamara had forced him to kill. Rebecca Lowell and her damned drugs had stolen his control of his demon for a night. Buffy had his heart and worse yet didn�t want it anymore. Darla had his dreams and had cost him enough of his temper that the line between Angel and Angelus had been blurred for a moment. And now Xander had his the secrets of his past.
Angel had told Buffy he�d killed his family, he�d told Xander how he�d repaid his sister�s trust with her brutal murder and taunted his father with what he�d become before draining the man. Angel had told Buffy that it was the man in him that needed killing, that he�d always been weak. He�d told Xander about the exorcise in wasting space that had been his life, about his regret that he hadn�t accomplished anything in twenty-six years of human life and about his longing for Liam�s relative innocence. Liam, for all his faults hadn�t known what it felt like to kill.
Xander had seen him living on the streets, feeding off rats like some animal.
Xander had had sex with him out of some impulse to be kind gone wrong because Angel had been so fucking pathetic back then.
Today he�d proved Xander would have sex with him purely because the boy desired him, not out of pity.
At least this attempt at regaining control of some aspect of his life had gone better than his attempt at making Darla fear him.
In his sleep Xander cuddled closer to Angel, his hand coming to rest on the vampire�s chest. Angel covered the warm hand with his, much cooler, one. Where do we go from here Angel wondered.
end