Oh, of all the soulful, sappy, rotten, make-me-sorry-I-told-everybody-where-your-*second*-tattoo-is things to say...

Almost made six years in hell spent looking around for a big tortured demon with a mousse addiction worthwhile. Even if the Powers That Be never did pay him for finally finding the bugger. Spike looked at Xander again. Or maybe they did.

Given that Xander was the only one he'd ever *told*. Not that he figured anyone else would care. Not when they were always too concerned with Angel, just because he'd been there for *500* years. What was a measly six? Xander was smiling at him, now. Not quite the blindfold and boysenberry smile, but more like the one that said 'I know you sleep in scooby-doo boxer shorts and will never tell a soul they aren't actually mine'.

What was six years? If it had got him Xander, it was everything. He realized he was getting entirely too mushy again, even in his head. He really needed a good shag. Make him all growly, again.

"Isn't that cute?"

Spike blinked, and turned to find Willow and Tara watching them. Giles and Angel had wandered off during his little deeply-gazing moment. Maybe if he did it some more, these two would go, as well. He tried it. Gazed deeply into Xander's eyes. They got that Doctor Pepper color to them, moving towards boysenberry ripple. Like maybe Xander would shake off these witches *for* him, and drag him upstairs to go not be mean to him again.

Well, a vamp can dream.

"Spike, what do you think about a Wiccan wedding ceremony?"

That got his attention. Suddenly he liked these two. "Yeah! Love it. Want one. Always did. Tell Cordy that's what we're doing." Xander was frowning at him, though. What *now*?

"Spike, we are not having a Wiccan ceremony."

"Why not?" he demanded.

"Don't you remember Willow and Tara's ceremony?" Xander asked, and by golly he was blushing. Acted like he wasn't, but yep, there it went, right along his neck. Red.

"Um, let's see... nope, don't remember a thing. Must'a been drunk." He rolled his eyes. "Of course I remember! And I loved it."

"You want to be naked in front of everybody?"

"It really isn't that embarrassing," Tara said. "Since almost everybody else is naked too, you don't think about--"

"*I* think about. And no." Xander shook his head.

"You'd rather wear teal?" *Spike* would rather see lots of naked people, personally. And he could care less whether *he* was naked, as long as he got to look at naked Xander. Soon, as a matter of fact.

Well, he could do without seeing naked Ethan. Or...shudder...naked Ethan in green fluffy socks. Still... He appealed to Willow's good sense. "Can't you give him your resolve face? I want a naked wedding."

Willow giggled, which was definitely *not* her resolve face. Xander was whapping him on the arm, too, which was either a bad thing or good. Maybe Xander should take him upstairs and give him a good talking to.

He waggled his eyebrows, hopefully. Xander just kept frowning. "We are not having a naked wedding. I'll let you talk them into swimsuits, but *no* naked."

"Swimsuits?" Tara asked.

Xander turned to her. "Yeah, the pool's fixed. Wes has this suit--"

"Not any more he doesn't," Gunn said. "So don't even think about it."

"But there's this stripe--"

Gunn whapped Xander on the head. Spike growled warningly. Xander whapped Spike on the head. Spike pouted. Expressively. Then he whapped Willow on the head. No particular reason, just seemed like the thing to do.

Then he grabbed his head.

And Willow smiled. "What, you thought I'd tune your chip so you could hit *me* ? What kind of computer genius do you think I am?"

"Ow, ow, ow," Spike replied. Flipped her the bird, and was pleased to note the bloody-soddin' chip said nothing in response.

"I think blue and white would make excellent wedding colours," Xander was continuing, as if he hadn't just gotten Spike zapped by making Gunn whap Xander and so on.

Gunn was glowering at him. "I said *no*."

Xander grinned. "You say that like you have a choice. If we talk Wes into it, there's no *way* you can stop him."

"That's why you're not getting a chance to talk him into it." Gunn stepped closer, and Spike stopped trying to get some sympathy and coddling from his fiance, long enough to growl again. "You're gonna be lucky to be able to talk, period."

"What's this suit look like?" Willow asked, glancing towards Wesley.

"It's navy blue, with these white stripes that--" Xander's eyes started to cross.

Gunn's looked like they were about to pop out of his head.

"I think maybe the swimsuits would be a bad idea," Tara said gently. "They seem to cause a lot of trouble."

"Yeah, you shoulda seen him at the store, when he was tryin 'em all on," Spike told her.

Then Gunn was eyes-bugging-out at *him*. "What?" But Gunn turned on his heel and strode right for Wesley. Willow and Tara, eyebrows raised, followed him, obviously eager to get in on the gossip.

"Well, that worked." Spike looked at Xander again. Did his own best boysenberry ripple with no slimy veggies on the side smile.

"What worked?"

"Getting rid of everybody that was getting in between us and the door!"

Xander blinked, like he hadn't even noticed. "Why do we need nobody between us and the door?" Spike sighed, and tried the look again. Boysenberry. Blindfolds. No vegetables, but possibly lots of squeaking. There was a pause. Then, in a ever so slightly shaking voice, Xander said, "It would be rude to leave our guests." But his eyes were doing the dilating thing.

"They're not our guests. They're a horde of vicious invaders whose only purpose in the world is to make sure Spike never gets any again. Ever." He fluttered his eyelashes-- it was a last resort, but it almost always worked.

"Like you didn't just get some. Twice. What a big baby." But Xander seemed to be getting the eyelash-code, because he was drifting vaguely in the direction of the door, and Spike, attached to him like a certain very stubborn piranha who might just make them grandparents, followed.

"I have a short attention-span, remember?" But he let Xander know, with nothing but another look, that he hadn't forgotten a second of it.

Xander's face softened, though there was no dimming the arousal in his expression, at all. Xander reached up -- and for a moment Spike was afraid he was going to do something mushy and romantic in front of everybody. Not that he cared about that sort of thing, but it would attract attention. Attracting attention led to being talked to. Being talked to hindered escaping to someplace they could be naked.

He opened his mouth to say something to distract Xander, and Xander's hand landed on his face. Specifically, his fingers were on either side of his nose.

"Er?" Or rather, "Ehhuuu?"

"Got your nose." Xander's fingers slipped away, and when he brought them up in front of Spike's face again, the tip of his thumb was tucked between them. "See?"

Spike rolled his eyes. Of all the infantile.... He wasn't going to check. It was obviously not his nose. And his fingers weren't twitching. He was *not* the second stupidest guy on the face of the planet. Xander said so. But with all the spellcasters in the room, you really never could be sure... Then inspiration hit and his hand moved fast -- towards Xander's. Grabbed it, and in doing so, forced it open.

Xander wriggled his thumb. Spike brought it up to his face and put the thumb into his mouth -- as if that had been all he'd been after. Sucking on Xander's thumb made Xander make those little noises which lead to louder noises and clothes being lost on top of furniture and under the stairway.

"Oooooh, my little boys are eating each other. Isn't it precious?" Dru leaned over Xander's shoulder, smiling her biggest smile and flashing a pair of anime eyes that would make Xander very jealous if he could see them.

"Gooo way, Dwooo," Spike said around Xander's thumb. Xander whapped him on the head with the other hand. He nearly let Xander's thumb fall out of his mouth. "Wha' was 'at fo'?" he asked. He grabbed Xander's hand again, to protect himself from further whapping. That was the only reason.

"Since when do I need a reason?" Xander countered, not trying to get the vampiress' chin off his shoulder. In fact, he looked positively content to have her there. Spike wondered if there was something kinky going on in Xander's brain that he didn't know about.

"Mmm, I bet he tastes good. Can I have a taste?" Dru moved around to stand to one side, right between them.

Spike tried to growl. Grrr. Mine. But...it was Dru. And besides, there was *always* something kinky going on in Spike's brain, though he'd long since given up any hope that Xander didn't know about it. "Errrrr..."

He looked up at Xander, hoping for a little moral guidance from the half of the wedding party that was supposed to have a soul. Xander was grinning at him. That little 'betcha think I won't' daring little grin. It made Spike growl, again, only this time he wasn't sure if it was to dissuade Xander, or a 'hell, yes' growl, or -- and most likely it was this -- a 'help, I'm losing my mind and I just want to be shagged' growl.

Xander looked at Drucilla. "Hey, Dru? You wanna baby sit the kids while Spike and I go make lots of scary noises?"

"Oh, my babies...they want to swim, they do. Swim, free, chomp and bite." She danced away, and Spike wondered if anyone had told her about the pool. And whether someone should mention it to anyone who was likely to be going for a swim, later. He considered it, briefly. Nope, still evil.

He turned his attention to Xander. "Scawy noisez?" he said, hopefully. Thumb still in mouth.

"I didn't cut up *all* the cucumbers," Xander said, that one eyebrow raising again.

"Oh." Spike sucked a little harder on Xander's thumb, at the same time moving for the door. Sucking Xander along after him. Xander laughed, and the delighted sound drew everyone's attention away from their conversations, for a moment. Spike saw several expressions turned their way -- amusement, curiosity, understanding. Arousal.

Grr. *Mine*.

Xander pulled his thumb free of Spike's mouth, and Spike felt himself falling into a pout again, even without meaning to. "Mine?" he said in a small voice. Not remotely talking about Xander's thumb.

"Well, duh," Xander replied, but his tone was gentle. "I just need it for a second." Spike started to count. One, one thousand, two, one thousand....

WHAP!

"That was two seconds," Spike said, looking at the smiling face in front of him. "And I love you too."

Xander took a hold of his hand, again, and suddenly Spike was the one being dragged towards the door. He waved at the crowd, giving them a cheery smile. "Lovely visit, wish we could stay--"

Detective Kate tapped him on the shoulder and kissed his cheek as he was dragged past. When the hell did *she* get here? The question left his mind as soon as it entered. Who cared? He was heading suite-ward with Xander.

Behind him, he heard Cordelia saying, "Aren't they adorable?" Hell, yeah, they were. He knew she was a smart one. Then, as they hit the stairs, his vampiric hearing gave him, "Now, I *really* think it should be teal." Over Spike's undead body would it be teal. He'd go naked first. Hell, he wanted to go naked anyway.

Thought. He batted it away, but it kept buzzing at him. "Er, isn't Dru in the suite, minding the kids?"

Xander stopped on the stairs. "Yeah." His eyes widened, then narrowed. He let go of Spike. "You get the boysenberry ripple. I'll get the blindfold. Meet you in the library."

Spike grabbed hold of Xander again. "Uh-uh. Rupes'll be in the library soon as he gets bored in there. Which *I* don't mind, but you said no, last time. Sides', I'm not lettin' you go off alone. You might get groom-napped."

A slow, wicked smile appeared on Xander's face. He gave Spike's hand a tug, and started heading up the stairs again. "You know...we *could*... are we out of earshot, yet?"

Only momentarily puzzled, Spike concentrated on the dining room. He could still make out what people were saying, so safe bet Angel could still hear them. He shook his head, and Xander hurried them farther up the stairs.

"Where are we going? I ask purely out of curiosity, mind." Xander didn't answer until they reached the third floor. The boytoy floor. "Xander?" Spike's eyes widened, appreciatively. They'd been threatened with worse than death and castration, if they ever stepped foot inside the series of suites his Sire and his two had taken over.

Xander glanced back at him, and whispered, "Hot tub."

Spike weighed the risks. Possibility of being turned into a newt, versus Xander plus naked plus hot tub plus naked plus Spike plus naked... "I'm in."

"Not yet, you're not."

"Give me two seconds, and I will be." Spike was already trying to shed his clothing, without letting go of Xander's hand. And got whapped. Again. Spike sighed. "*Now* what?"

"Not in the hallway - you want to leave them a trail of breadcrumbs?"

Spike thought, which was hard, when you were... He didn't have the brain cells left to finish the pun. "Yeah. You're right. That's why you're the smart one and I'm the cute one."

Another whap.

"Wha?"

"*I'm* the cute one."

Spike thought it over. Not that he didn't agree, but -- "What does that make me?" Not pouting again, damn it, just asking. With a little extra chin jutted out.

Xander stopped at the door, and pulled him close. Body pressed on body made him wish he had lost his clothes in the hallway. "The sexy one," Xander said.

Spike purred. Just a little. Well, if you didn't know the difference between a cat and a vamp... Okay, fine, it was purring. He nudged Xander through the doorway, licking at his chin on the way. "Maybe we can both be the sexy---"

FLASH!

*****

Downstairs in the dining room, conversations were in full swing. Plans for the wedding bartered about with catching each other up on recent events, and the occasional -- or not so occasional --remark about Spike and Xander's hasty escape. The noise level was steadily increasing, but everyone heard Cordelia shriek. Vision-induced reflexes had Angel, Gunn, and Wesley at her side in an instant -- where they stopped. She was pointing at the stairway.

"Are those *lizards*?"

Wesley shook his head sadly. "No, they're amphibians. Specifically..."

"Oooh! Newts!" Willow pointed, dragging Tara over to the group in the doorway. "We need some newt tails! I didn't know you were raising them."

"No!" Wesley jumped after her. He beat her to the two newts, who had reached the lobby and were staring up at the gathering crowd. Wesley reached down and picked them up, and gave them a stern look. "And have we learned our lesson?" he asked them.

The newts looked at each other, then back at him. They shook their heads 'no'.

Gunn crossed his arms. "I think you should leave 'em that way."

Wesley considered it briefly, but Angel put a hand on his arm. "I think maybe we could let them off, just this once? It *is* kind of a special occasion."

"What are you--" Giles began. Then he looked at the newts again. "Spike and Xander?"

There were surprised giggles throughout the room. Wesley nodded. "To keep them out of our rooms." Wesley nodded at Angel, though. "All right. Just this once." And he set the two newts down, and chanted quickly.

FLASH!

Spike looked around. "Er. Hello again."

Right, obviously they needed to try this again. Maybe he could warn Giles to stay out of the library, and they could go for the boysenberry ripple idea. He started to reach out and tap Giles on the shoulder, when he heard a squeak from Xander.

"Eep!"

"You're not a newt anymore, Xan."

"Where are my *clothes*?!" Which was possibly the wrong thing to say, if he wanted to escape interested stares. Xander was still sitting on the floor, legs twisted in front of him to hide as much as he could.

"Let me get this straight, you own a magazine that's full of pictures of naked demons, and yet now you're embarrassed?" Angel asked. Wesley smacked him on the arm and glared.

"Like I can recognize any of their dangly bits?" Xander snapped. "Would *someone* get me a towel? Or a coat? Or a sword I can run somebody through with?"

"Ooh, Xander's naked!" This from Harmony, who had dragged Buffy up to the front of the crowd. "Hey, maybe he *is* the cute one!"

"Hey, I'm naked too," Spike protested, putting his hands on his hips.

Harmony made a pffft sound. "Yeah, but I've *seen* you naked. Lots of times." Buffy growled.

"Me, too," Angel said with a shrug. Gunn and Wesley nodded, as well.

"As have I," Giles added.

"And me," from Cordelia.

"Actually," Willow began, diffidently. "Me, too."

"Same here," Tara said.

Spike blinked. Bloody hell, had everyone in this room seen him naked? And was that why Xander was growling?

"Um, I haven't," David said slowly. Then he blinked. "Til now, that is."

"Towel? Coat? Sword?" Xander reminded them.

"Maybe I can help," Tara said. She grabbed Willow's hand, and began to chant.

FLASH!

"Oops." Willow looked at them. "I think we need to practice that one a little more."

Tara giggled. "No, that's what I was trying for."

Spike looked at Xander. Yellow thong. Looked much better on Xander than it did on His Poofiness. Looked down at himself. Green thong. He would've gone for red, but it would do in a pinch.

Someone pinched him.

"Oi!" He glared around at anyone standing close enough to have pinched him. They could look all they liked, but only Xander got to get his fingers *there*.

He found Xander grinning at him.

Spike grinned right back. He reached for Xander.

"NO! Nonononononononono!" Gunn grabbed Spike by the scruff of the neck. "Get a room. Now. One of your own."

"Bitch, bitch, bitch." But Xander was pulling Spike back towards the stairs, again. Backpedaling, so no one could see the way the thong didn't cover anything besides the dangly bits.

As they retreated, Willow said, "You know, I think Xander's right."

"About what?" Tara asked her, apparently used to feeding her wife straight lines.

"Maybe we should have a pool-side wedding...."

*****

When they got up the stairs to their floor, they paused outside the door to their actual suite. "Dru's in there..." Spike reminded Xander. Xander smiled, and opened the door. Spike looked inside.

No Dru. No kids. "Pool?" he asked, knowing his eyes were gleaming evilly, and not caring.

Xander shook his head. "It's locked."

"You don't suppose she'd head for the hot-tub?"

"I don't suppose I care," Xander replied. "She isn't here. We are. And we're mostly naked. I'm thinking we have better things to do than track down Drusilla. There are a dozen people downstairs. Surely among all of them, they can keep one insane vampire under control for a few days."

"One insane vampire with a tank of piranha in her hands..."

"She won't hurt the kids! She loves them!"

"M'not worried about her hurting the kids, m'worried about them all gettin' turned into newts!"

Xander frowned. Shook his head. "They'll turn 'em back. Eventually. Come on, don't you want to be naked and writhing? Or are you *really* that worried--" It was as far as he got. Spike yanked on his hand, pulling him into the room, towards the bedroom. Shedding clothes as he went, because who cared if he left a trail littering their path. Wasn't anything new or surprising in it, anyway. Of course, a trail of two thongs wasn't much...but it was the thought that counted.

As Spike pulled him down onto the bed, Xander grinned. And grinned some more.

"What?"

"Just thinking about insane vampires."

Spike scowled. He *knew* Xander didn't mean any vampires currently in the room. Xander moved his hand, then, and Spike decided he could think and say anything he liked. "Rrrrmmrrrrrrr...."

"What was that?" Xander moved his *other* hand.

"Purrrrrrrrr."

"Oh. That clarifies things."

Spike fought valiantly to actually speak English. Or at least Fyarl, in which he'd taught Xander the three most important phrases:

1. 'More cookies, please.'
2. 'Duck!'
3. 'Fuck me now.'

Number three was the only one that really applied, though, and Xander was well on his way to complying with it anyway, so Spike strove for the English.

"Said..." and he managed to get his mind together enough to direct his chin to stick out, though working the lower lip at the same time was a bit much to ask, "I was promised cucumbers!"

But Xander, big ole meanie that he was, didn't let go of Spike's happy bits and leave to go get cucumbers. Instead he stayed where he was, rubbing, and grinning at Spike like he was daft. Spike decided he'd have to get very stern with Xander.

Later.

The end