He felt a kiss on his shoulder, then Xander just held him. Made no effort to leave, get up, go rescue the salad that was getting cold, by now. Wilted and unloved and weren't they supposed to be on their way somewhere? Soon?

"Um..." That wasn't a real word either, at least not in English, but it was getting there. He nudged Xander's hand with his nose, trying to see the Mickey Mouse arms on his wristwatch. Spike was pretty sure they'd stopped moving, but if they hadn't, they might give him a clue as to what time of day it was. Or night.

"Yeah?" Xander didn't sound particularly more coherent than Spike felt. Spike figured they could easily lie here a few seconds longer and they'd both fall asleep. The thought appealed.

"Um..." The Mickey-hands hadn't stopped, and it was... eleventy-o-clock, assuming he could tell the big hand from the little hand. "Um..." He blinked. "Um..." Xander's hand disappeared from in front of his face, and whapped him very, *very* gently on the back of the head.

"Thanks. Um, salad?"

"What about the salad?"

"Supposed to have it downstairs for Princess at five minutes past five minutes ago?"

"We can be late," Xander said easily.

Yeah, that sounded good. Late, like... tomorrow. Spike laid the side of his face against the floor. But it was too late. Xander had let the English language back into his skull, and it had dragged Spike's brain back in with it.

"No, she'll kill us. You, not so worried about. Me, already dead. Not sure what'd happen." Right, so English was returning *slowly*.

"Nah. We just tell her we got engaged. We could show up naked, without the salad, and she'll just squeal and give us hugs. OK, maybe no so huggy if we're naked. But we have time." Xander's voice dropped a little. "About an hour."

"An hour?" Maybe he'd forgotten how to tell time. It seemed like a possibility.

Xander's hand was gently stroking his hair, and Spike resisted the urge to purr. Okay, so he didn't resist very hard. He made some noises which some people, if they didn't know the subtle differences between a vampire and a cat, might *take* for purring. Then the reason for the distract-and-relax-the-vampire technique became clear when Xander said, "I sorta said eleven, because I knew you'd distract me and make us late. Cordy wants us downstairs at noon."

As Spike tried to organize his randomly firing brain cells enough to object, Xander slipped out of him, rolled him onto his back, and moved to lie on top of him. "So you..." He got distracted by a smile, and forgot what he was going to say. It would've been really pithy, too. Xander leaned down and kissed him. Deep, like he was dragging Spike into himself all over again. Spike whimpered. "Don' play fair..." he murmured, letting Xander do whatever he damn well pleased to distract him from whatever it was he was supposed to be objecting to.

"I'm sorry," Xander whispered, and there were fingers in Spike's hair again. "Was I supposed to?"

"Uh-huh. You're a good guy, remember?"

"Ah." Xander pulled his fingers, and his mouth, away.

"Uhhhhhh... no. Now you're bein' a bad guy. A bad, bad guy."

"You think this is bad?" Xander asked, and there was a nasty looking twinkle in his eyes.

Spike looked back at him clearly, just for a moment. Then he grinned. "Not afraid of you. You don't scare me at all."

Xander grinned, and it was almost a very scary grin. Then Xander dove towards him, mouth heading for Spike's neck -- where he placed his open mouth against Spike's neck, and sucked. Just as hard as he could. Made Spike wonder, while he still had brain enough to wonder, if their children weren't part lamprey, as well as Piranha.

Then Xander sucked his brain completely out. Right through his skin. Schlurrrrp. Bye, brain!

Spike threw his head back, and noticed that the children were lined up in a neat little row, faces pressed against the edge of the tank. Eerily motionless. Staring at the two of them. Then his eyeballs rolled completely back into his skull.

He happily lifted his legs -- the action had no brain required, too ingrained in every fiber of his body -- to let Xander fuck him again.

*****

"D'you s'pose they'll notice that there's no cucumbers?" Spike shot a nervous glance at Xander as they walked down the stairs.

Xander gave him a happy grin. It was the same unruffle-able grin he'd start the morning off with. "No one will notice. Cordelia asked me not to put cucumbers in it...."

"So you what-- sliced 'em up to distract me?" The expression of pure innocence told Spike what he needed to know. "An' then you made me take 'em out-- *touch* those slimy things with my own *fingers* -- when they got all wilted?" Whole cucumbers were one thing, but sliced up... eccch. Those seeds kept *staring* at him.

Xander just continued looking innocent at him. Had the temerity to bat his eyelashes. Had the temerity to make Spike think words like temerity, after having had his brains fucked out onto the living room floor. Twice.

"Can I suggest that the next time you want to distract me--" They'd reached the bottom of the stairs, and Spike felt perfectly justified in latching onto Xander's non-salad-holding arm, now that he didn't need it to hold onto the banister. "--you pick a way that doesn't involve slimy veggies?"

Xander raised an eyebrow. "Spike, if they aren't slimy, a person could do *damage*."

Spike was about to retort, when Wesley interrupted. "You promised."

Spike was only just about mentally equipped to be talking to Xander-- they shared their own weird language, after all. He definitely wasn't ready to try to understand Wesley so soon after having things done to him that could do damage if they were done with non-slimy-veggies, which they weren't. "Huh?"

Xander nudged him and explained. "We're making him think about us doing things to each other with slimy vegetables. He's threatening to slay one of us."

Wesley's glare explained that he was threatening them *both*.

"You can't slay him," Spike said, putting a protective arm around Xander. "There's rules. You slay one of the grooms, you're completely off the ushers list."

"The what?"

"Oo! Salad's here." Cordelia came into the lobby, and walked over.

"No cucumbers," Xander said cheerfully.

Wesley looked like he was muttering the words 'groom' and 'usher' over and over, though no sounds were coming out of his mouth. Spike helped him out by demonstrating how to pronounce them. "Groom. Groom-zuh. Usherzzz."

"Is there a wedding?" Cordelia asked.

Spike looked happily at her. He was about to tell her all about it... and found that there weren't any words in his mouth. So he looked at Xander. Who was looking happily at him. They both looked happily back at Cordelia. It was a regular happily-looking fest, and Spike couldn't even summon up the cynicism to make retching noises.

Cordelia suddenly squealed, and she had them both by the neck, arms around them, squeezing the oxygen out of the only breathing one there.

Wesley blinked, then suddenly smiled. "Congratulations."

"Thank... you..." Spike croaked, trying to disentangle himself and Xander from Cordelia's well-intentioned but potentially fatal hug. "Oi... goes for you too-- no strangling the groom. Zuh."

Cordelia let go, slightly, and beamed at him. "This is wonderful! I'm so happy. And it's about time! Who asked who? What'd you say? How'd you ask - unless you were naked in which case skip over the details." Cordelia was smiling and babbling enough to make Spike think she was related to Xander.

Spike tried to decide which one to answer first-- or if he should just let Xander tell it. But if he let Xander tell, the subject of how his eyebrows got burnt off might come up. He just barely remembered it being in the conversation somewhere back there. Before his brains leaked out. "Er, I asked him. I think."

Cordelia quirked an eyebrow at him. "You *think*? You don't even -- no. I don't think I want to know." Then she grinned again, and took Xander and Spike by the hands. "Come on! I want to see Angel's face when we tell him!" She glanced at Wes, who was starting to follow. "Now all we need to do is get *you* three married!"

"Now see here," Wesley tried to say, but Spike knew from experience that once Her Majesty had an idea in her head, you might as well just give up and ask what color the cummerbunds should be. Oh god... cummerbunds or waistcoats? She was going to ask, and if they didn't have an answer, she'd decide *for* them. Swimsuits. It really ought to be swimsuits. Then, when Angel forbid it, *he* could be the one to argue with Cordelia.

"Come on! I need details, so I can make phone calls!" Cordelia dragged them towards the dining room.

"He asked because he thought it would freak me out, I said yes because I knew he really meant it, and nobody was naked until at least seven minutes later." This from Xander, who was apparently having a hard time balancing the giant salad bowl and getting dragged along by Cordelia at the same time, and Spike was torn between trying to help him, and just staring.

"You knew?"

Xander stopped, and looked at him. It was that same look he'd seen when Xander had crawled towards him, and proven to him once and for all that he *loved* him. Gurgle. What was the question?

"I think they're going to be doing for the rest of the day," Wesley said. "Perhaps I should--" and he reached over and took the bowl from Xander's hands. Which left them free for Spike to grab, and not let go of. Cordelia had to drag them by the upper arms, but she managed it. All the way into the dining room, where Gunn and Angel were sitting, arguing over the morning paper.

"I don't think that's really a Kymellian scythe, Angel. There's no way anybody would advertise one of those things in the *want ads*."

"Angel! Gunn!" Cordelia interrupted them. The two looked up, expressions turning instantly suspicious. Why was it, Spike wondered, that him looking so happy made them look suspicious? He thought about scowling, but his hand was still warm, still in Xander's, so he didn't.

Angel looked surprised. Studied Spike's face for a moment, then looked at Xander. He asked Cordelia, though, "What did they do?"

"Brought the salad," Spike said. And put the advert for the Kymellian scythe in the L.A. Times, but he doubted Angel would be all that concerned with their little prank after Cordelia spilled the news.

She waved a hand in front of Spike's face. "I think they did naked stuff --big surprise-- but the important thing is: they got engaged!"

"They *what*?" Gunn demanded.

Angel's eyes widened, then he asked, "Why? I mean -- who asked whom? Am I going to have to pay for this?"

"We can have it here!" Cordelia exclaimed.

Spike felt all control of his wedding slip through his fingers. If he'd ever had it, to being with. "Swimsuits?" he whispered, but no one was listening. Or so he thought, but somebody pinched him.

"Don't you dare even suggest swimsuits, or I'll tell everyone about the spell I had to do to restore someone's burnt-off eyebrows," Wesley hissed, so quietly that only Spike and possibly Angel could hear it. But Angel had Cordelia screeching in his ear, so probably only Spike.

"Hey, I let you win at darts for that," he whispered back. "And pretended to be drunker than I really was so you could maintain your upper-middle-class dignity in front of y'r boytoys."

"I am *not* wearing a pink morning suit!" Gunn protested loudly. "Man, one of you speak up or your wedding colors are gonna be..."

"Salmon and teal! It's a great combination, and they left a ton of streamers in those colors down in the wine cellar. See, I'm saving you money, Angel." Cordelia was beaming.

"Black!" Spike and Xander yelled, together. Spike was willing to negotiate for white, as well; possibly red.

"I like black," Angel agreed. He walked over, and looked down at Spike. "Boytoy?"

Xander stifled a giggle. Spike puffed out his chest. "You gonna deny it, oh-eats-out-of-Wesley's-well-manicured-hands? Admit it, you're just a softy for the accent."

Angel suddenly got about two feet taller, and gained a stone and a half. Or maybe the subtle growl he gave Spike just did that Sire thing to him, and he was hallucinating the rest. Ulp. This was it. He'd finally done it. Goodbye suddenly not all that cruel world, because Angel was going to Spike-icide him, and... Or he could just wrap his arms around Spike and give him a creepy big hug. That would work too.

And then say, "I've always liked the accent." Which got him 'die, vampire' glares from Xander and Wesley.

Angel just smiled, which was spooky enough. Then he asked again, "Which one of you asked the other? How much am I going to have to pay?"

Spike decided to explain, this time. "He asked me, cos' I'm such an irresistible shag, and you have to pay for everything, and it'll be a bundle 'cos Cordelia's gonna spend it all on flowers and ribbons and fussy things that go in girls' hair, and you'll just have to smile and take it like a man, nyah-nyah." That about summed it up, right? Now who was too chicken to ask his father-figure to pay for a wedding?

Angel looked a bit shell-shocked. He turned to Xander, who shook his head and said, "Nope, sorry. Groom's family pays for the rehearsal dinner. I'm thinking pizza and a CD in the stereo for the dancing."

"Giles would pay for more than *that*," Cordelia said.

"I'm sorry -- I'll do *what*?"

The man in question marched into the dining room, followed by a gaggle of giggles. Or a giggle of gaggles. Willow was grabbing Xander and spinning him around, and Buffy was giving Spike the are-you-sure-you-aren't-planning-to-eat-him-in-his-sleep look that she gave him every time she saw him, and Rupert was standing toe to toe with Cordelia. He really was about the only person in the world who could stare her down.

Spike didn't try to tell Buffy - like he usually did -- that yeah, eating Xander was high on his list, only he liked doing it when Xander was awake. It made Buffy wrinkle her nose at him. Very unbecoming a Slayer, because she also giggled when she did it. Instead, Spike tried to grab Xander's hand and put it back where it belonged. If he didn't get it soon, he was going to glom himself fully to Xander, and that would make it a bit hard to eat lunch.

"Rehearsal dinner," Cordelia was explaining.

"I don't really have to pay for the wedding, do I?" Angel was asking.

"*Boytoy*?" Gunn was asking, looking from Spike to Wesley.

A tap on his shoulder saved Spike from having to answer that, and he turned around into another big smooshy hug. Only this one smelled like White Shoulders, so it had to be Joyce Summers. "It's about time, Spike. I mean, *I* knew it the first time I saw you two together!"

"Help..." he whispered. "Cordelia wants salmon and teal..."

"Oh, don't be silly. You can't wear teal. You're much more a lavender." She looked at him thoughtfully.

Spike turned to Xander, who was happily babbling with Willow, both of them talking at once and how they could *hear* each other was beyond him. Beyond Willow, Tara gave him a shy smile.

Then, from the other side of the lobby, he heard it. That terrifyingly familiar voice. Chilling him to the marrow. Freezing some poor pig's type A Negative in his veins. And it was getting closer. "Eew! Can't you people get around using electrical tunnels like in Sunnydale? Sewers.... ick. Ickickick!"

It was almost at the door to the dining room now. Spike couldn't even blink. He was utterly motionless. She stepped into the room, a big grin on her face. "Okay, where's my Blondie-Bear? Somebody gets a *big* hug...."

"Xan? IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyou..." Spike babbled. "Hide me?"

Buffy shifted uncomfortably. "Um.. Spike?" He looked at her. Okay, he'd settle for being protected by the Slayer, though you'd think Xander would step in any minute now... Buffy grimaced. "She kind of means me."

"What?"

Spike watched as Harmony, and it was actually Harmony and not some undemonic possessed version, walked up and hugged Buffy. Then kissed her.

"Oh. Well, good for you." Spike was just relieved this meant *he* wouldn't have to put up with her. He wondered why no one besides him was looking surprised by the kiss. What, did everyone get the newsletter but him?

"You made good time," Xander was saying.

"I know I said we'd be up for the weekend, but once I informed everyone, they were all suddenly free to leave today." Giles smiled.

"We jumped in the car as soon as Giles told us!" Willow exclaimed. "We didn't want you two running off to Mexico to get married without us."

"Not Mexico. Sands and dust and scorpions bite. Rwar!"

Everyone turned slowly towards the door. Spike noticed *he* was the only one smiling. "Dru! You made it."

She smiled at them, and came over, smiling a bit as the humans and we-kill-you-for-a-living backed away from her. "Spike, the children are so happy. All the spiders, chomp! Chomp."

Which explained how she knew to show up even though nobody'd called her. Well, *they* hadn't remembered to, being busy with things on the floor, and Spike assumed nobody from Sunnydale had her number.

"Um, who invited the crazy vampire chick inside?" Gunn backed nervously into a corner, and Harmony, after making sure he didn't mean her, returned to sucking face with Buffy.

"The kids," Spike answered with a shrug. "You gonna try to explain to three uncontrollable piranha why their auntie Dru can't come visit them?" Angel gave him a stern look, and he shot a glare right back. "Hey, someday you too will have children who put you through as much misery as mine do..." Angel's eyebrows took off for his hairline and just kept going. "I mean, besides us." Spike was glad Xander was so good at stifling that laughter, even if it did look like it hurt.

"Charles, be *nice*," Wesley was scolding, quietly. "Drusilla *is* family."

Gunn groaned, and Dru turned towards the ex-Watcher. "Daddy!"

Angel started, when she headed for *Wesley*, who just smiled. "Hello, Drusilla. How are you?"

"Oh, my head is so loud, Daddy Wesley. All the singing, singing," she crooned, and swayed. Rolling her head around, and Spike was shocked to see Wes just nod.

"When did those two meet?" Xander asked.

"A long time ago, when the earth was green," Drusilla said sincerely. They looked at Wesley.

"Several years ago, before we all became the Brady Bunch," Wesley translated with a pained sigh.

Oh, he just *had* to say the BB words, didn't he. Spike groaned, as Xander started to sing. "It's the story, of a vamp named Spikey," he began, more or less not loudly. Didn't stop everyone from turning to look at him. Spike wanted to bury his head in his hands and pretend he didn't really know this git he was marrying.

Or, hang on, he could bury something else which would require dragging Xander out of the room because he'd likely be all huffy about being fucked in front of his friends.

"Who was bringing up three very lovely fish, all of them had shiny teeth, like their Auntie," Xander was still singing.

Willow giggled. Everyone else was sort of half-staring, half doing that 'isn't he cute' thing. Spike tightened his grip on Xander's hand and heard himself growling. Yeah, he was cute. He was *Spike's* cute, and everybody had better just stop looking at him.

"Singing! All the singing in my head." Dru pointed at Xander.

"No wonder she went crazy, if she's been hearing *Xander* singing in her head all these years," Gunn said, sounding a little more sympathetic.

"Hey, he's a good singer!" Spike felt the need to defend Xander, for some reason, even if it meant blatant falsehood. No, wait, he *liked* blatant falsehood. He was a *bad* guy, right?

"Am I late?" asked a cheerful voice from the hallway. "I brought those new CD-ROM's Spike wanted to borrow, and the dip. You did say dip, didn't you, Cordelia?"

"Think she said you *were* one," Spike muttered at Billionaire David Nabbit, TM. He was ignoring the looks he was getting from various incredulous people -- including Xander. Spike didn't know if he should be worried that Xander wasn't very appreciative of Spike's lying on his behalf, or lean over and lick that eyebrow that was arched up.

Cordelia moved through the crowd to greet David, and conversations started and re-started throughout the room. Wesley was trying to keep Dru's hands where they belonged, and prevent Gunn from doing something possibly permanent. Giles and Willow drifted into a conversation with Cordelia, David, and Joyce - possibly planning their future wedding, and maybe he ought to go over and be nice for just a moment. Teal. Spike shuddered. Not even *he* was that evil.

Everyone else scattered and chatted loudly, except for the two blondes still swapping tongues. Never one to give Harmony any credit for brains, he did have to admit she had a good idea. He looked back at Xander, and found him still doing the eyebrow thing.

Right, then. He leaned over and licked it.

Tasted like cucumbers, probably because after Xander had made him pick them out of the salad, Spike had thrown one of the slices at him. Stuck there for a minute, like a big slimy green eyepatch, and then fell. Xander had caught it and tossed it into the piranha tank, where Hubert chomped happily on it. Obviously took after *Xander's* side of the family. Xander wiggled the eyebrow, which tickled Spike's tongue, and of course required him to lick Xander's nose, just to get even.

Xander was grinning at him, and when Spike leaned back to decide which bit needed licking next, sang, "It's the story, of a vamp named Angel, who was living with boy toys of his own."

"I thought *Angel* was the boytoy," Buffy interrupted.

"Yeah, but it didn't work as well in the song," Xander told her. Spike grabbed Xander's chin and tried to turn him back to face Spike, so he could better form a plan of attack. Xander let him, but kept talking to Buffy.

"Does he know you sing that?" she asked, half dubious, half laughing. Spike was getting frustrated. She'd had her ten seconds, why didn't she leave them alone?

"Oh yeah. But when they're in the room, 'boy toys' mysteriously become 'dignified hard-working men of intelligence.' Doesn't scan very well, but it saves my ass from getting thrown in the pool." No it didn't. His arse got thrown in the pool all the time. What was he talking about? Spike growled.

Buffy just laughed at him. "I *told* you he was the cute one," Harmony said, chucking him under the chin. "My Spikey-wikey is just soooooo precious..."

Spike growled again, but Buffy growled louder and dragged Harmony away, muttering, "You said *I* was your blondie-bear now. You stay away from that bleached tramp."

Er... *which* bleached tramp? There were so many in the room...

He took a step after them, then realized they were *leaving*, which was exactly what he'd wanted. He turned back to Xander with a triumphant, smug grin. Xander looked like he was going to start laughing at him, again. Spike pouted. "Oh for god's sake, Spike. I was just-- hey!" He turned to greet Ethan. "Didn't expect to see you here." Xander's tone was polite and welcoming. Spike growled.

"Well, you know me -- never pass up a party," Ethan replied, giving them both a smile. It was the sort of smile that made Spike want to lock him up in a closet with Dru, see who screamed to be let out, first.

"You just happened to be in Sunnydale when I called this morning?"

"Well, actually--" He stopped, and looked at Spike. "Are you growling at me for a reason, William?"

Yes. Go away, I want to shag my fiance. Spike looked around, but there was no whap forthcoming, so he felt reassured that he hadn't said it out loud. "Grr... er... Yes!" Hell, he actually did have a reason. "You still owe me eleven pounds. I bet you couldn't drink Wesley under the table, and you couldn't."

"Well, I tried, but the moment I started to crawl under the table, his boy toys decided it was time to forcibly eject me from the pub."

"That wasn't crawling, Ethan," said Wesley. "You were sliding out of your chair. Insensible."

"I was not," Ethan countered. "I was merely--"

Spike didn't listen to any more. He pulled Xander towards him, and dragged him away from what would have been a bloody good show, if he cared. Maybe Cordelia would recount it for him, later.

"Where are we going?" Xander asked, happily. As if he hadn't a clue. Or did. Spike didn't say a word, just continued to pull him in the direction of the exit.

Uh-oh. Xander looked like he was having a thought. Not one of the good you-get-the-boysenberry-ripple-flavored-lube-and-I'll-get-the-blindfold-and- we'll-meet-in-the-library-in-five-minutes kind of thoughts. No. It was one of those thoughts that was distinctly non-boysenberry-flavored, purposely designed to make Spike growl loudly as Xander turned back towards the little knot of people currently gathered around Giles.

"Hey, Giles, I haven't seen Anya. Where is she?"

Spike whimpered. Who the bloody hell cared? Weren't three ex-girlfriends in the room - four counting Angel, of course - enough? They needed a fifth?

Giles extracted himself from the conversation he was in, and walked over. "I haven't been able to locate her, actually. After last week's little fiasco...."

Xander smiled. "Yeah. She can get moody. You left her a note?"

"Of course! She should be along, as soon as she gets back and finds it. I'm sure she wouldn't want to miss this opportunity to threaten Spike." He glanced at Spike, who glared back. *Mine*. Why didn't anyone seem to notice? "Something about 'be good to him or I'll dig out all the best vengance spells from the last thousand years?" Giles suggested, and it was clear from his tone he meant more than just Anya.

"Y'know, I don't think it's fair," Xander said politely. "I mean, everybody threatens Spike, but nobody seems to be worried about me being mean to *him*. What, I'm not scary enough for you people?"

There was a polite round of 'Oh, isn't he cute as a button' from everyone in a five foot radius, while Spike just tugged gently on Xander's arm. If he could only get Xander back to their suite, Xander could be as scary as he pleased.

"Don't be mean to Spike!" Harmony called obligingly from the other end of the room. Wasn't that sweet. Now if they'd *all* just cooperate and not be mean to Spike, by getting the hell out of his way...

"Actually, Spike," Angel said, as he made his way over. Spike briefly shut his eyes. What did he have to do, say it out loud? "After a hundred and twenty-seven--"

"Thirty-three years," Xander interjected. Surprised, Spike looked at him, feeling that warm, mushy, my god he really does, feeling in his stomach again.

Angel gave him a quizzical glance, then continued. "Of being an evil vampire, anything mean Xander could *possibly* do to you, you'd deserve."

Spike stuck his tongue out at his Sire. His broody, guilt-ridden, beat me I've been bad Sire who nowadays got his toenails painted pink by his lovers whenever he got unreasonably angsty. Angel just looked at him in that way that had always made Spike want to just keep sticking his tongue out at him. Or possibly demand, in a very scary way, "What?"

Angel turned to Xander. "Xander...don't be mean to Spike."

*****