You sometimes have to wonder, just who is running the military these days. I've seen so many soldiers in the last few days it's a wonder anyone's left to defend the good ole US of A. Yet another anonymous green clad figure comes into the room, this time accompanying a middle- aged, bland looking woman.

'Tell it to sit down please.'

I cock a questioning eyebrow at her. Okay.not talking directly to the doggy. I'll go along with this for a while.

'What sort is it?'

The soldier boy consults his clipboard, 'Vampire, Ma'am.'

'Ahh. They're expensive. What is the reserve price on this one?'

'I can find out for you, Ma'am.'

'Please do. How old is it?'

'Nearly one hundred and fifty we believe, Ma'am.'

'Wonderful. Imagine. Think what things it's done. It's got the full chip in I suppose.'

'Yep. Can't hurt a fly.'

'Better and better. Have its.attributes, been tested yet?'

'It comes with a full recommendation.'

Okay, losing patience with the way this is going. 'Err.excuse me, Luv, but what the fuck are you talking about?'

'You. Shut up. Don't address the customers.'

'Fuck off, Mate. I ain't for bleeding sale and I'll talk to who I fucking like. Ow! Do that again and I'll.ow! Fuck off.ow!' He's far too handy with that damn cattle prod.

Oh and I really don't like the look on that bitch's face. Nice middle-aged lady suddenly turns into a bunny boiler.

'Isn't it.interesting, when it's aroused?'

'Shut up, psycho-lady!'

'Put me down for the bidding. This one will make a lovely little addition to my stable. Check that reserve price for me.'

'Yes, Ma'am. You. Sit down.'

Oh bloody hell. Where's an obliging demon to stake you when you've changed your mind?

Ten minutes later and same soldier boy returns with another. customer. Bring back bunny boiler, I say. This one is really creepy. He's youngish.but that's hard to tell, really, given he's dressed in fucking tweeds. I don't even want to think about what he's buying me for.

'Err, what is the bidding likely to go up to, do you think?' Oh, English.

'Never know with these pretty ones, Sir, depends who's in for the night. They always fetch a high price though.'

'Can I speak to him, err.inspect him alone?'

'Sorry, Sir. Against the rules.'

'He can't hurt me though, I believe.'

'No, but they're sneaky.demons. I've strict orders, not to leave the room. Sorry Sir.'

'Oh. Well. In that case.' bloody hell! Nerdy English bloke turns into.Hong Kong Phooey and knocks the unsuspecting guard out cold with one uppercut to the jaw.

'Hello, Spike. I'm Wesley Wyndham-Price. Angel sent me. He couldn't come because of the.oh, I say.no need for that old man.stiff upper lip and all that.err.Spike!'

I'd apologize for this unseemly public display of affection, 'cept I can't, cus I've got him in a tight hug and I'm kissing him all over his nerdy, English face. Angel sent him. Angel sent him. Angel.

'What's the plan then, Mate?'

'Err.well this is rather it, Spike.'

'What?'

'Err.I come in, posing as a customer and.rescue you.'

'That's the plan! That's the fucking plan! We're in the middle of a military, top-secret compound and that's your plan? Did that come from the Rupert-bloody-Giles book of plans, Mate? I've had better plans than that!'

'Spike, I do think a smidgen of gratitude would be more applicable, under the circumstances. We have risked life and limb to get you, you know.'

Don't make me ask this. Someone stake me, sell me, anything me.but don't make me have to ask this.

'We?'

'Oh. Yes, of course, you didn't think I'd come without excellent reinforcements. Err.Xander, Cordelia, I've dealt with our military friend. You can come in now. Spike! Spike, is something wrong? Is it your head? Spike, talk to me.'

Harris and the Prom Queen. Could have been the Slayer and the Witch, but no. Spike gets bleeding Harris and the fucking Prom Queen.

'Hello, Spike. Oh.what's wrong with you? You look awful. Jees, bruised much! And those cuts.bandages needed maybe! But hey, love the outfit, really suits you.what? What? It's important.clothes.you could learn a lot Xander, if you took more time.what? Why is everyone looking at me?'

'Come on Xander, help me with the guard's uniform. Looks like it will fit you well enough.' English guy bends over the still prone guard and starts to pull off his sweater.

Oh. Do I actually see the glimmering of a real plan here?

'Hey.military man is back in action! Love the stun gun. Hey, Spike, come over here, I need to practice with this!'

'Fuck off Harris. And what are you doing here? Why are you helping to rescue me?'

'Well.guess I wanted to watch that wide-screen, surround-sound, digital TV! Besides, who am I gonna insult with you gone?'

'Who said I'd invite you over to watch me new TV. Hey, do you like Passions?'

'Err, do you two think we could concentrate a bit here? We have to negotiate this complex, fool numerous real military types that.Xander, here, is our escort, you, Spike have to look like a Vampire recently sold to a perverted Englishman and his.wife.and all you two can do is discuss American soap operas. Yes, very helpful.'

'So you're a pervert are you then.what did you say your name was?'

'It's Wesley and he's not really perverted.well, no more than most men.that's my part of the plan. If we get stopped. That's our cover story. It's a bit like acting really. I'm his wife and he can't.you know.do the business.in bed, with a woman, so he's bought you as an.incentive! So look suitably impressed blondie.you've never been so lucky.'

Oh God. I'm seriously thinking about disappearing again at this moment. I'm in the middle of a fucking French farce.

'Come on then. Let's get this charade over with then. Sooner we get stopped, you three get shot, I get staked, the happier I'm gonna be! Come on. And stop pointing that bleeding cattle prod at me, Mate or you'll be discovering a whole, new and interesting sexual practice.'

To my intense disappointment we actually make it to the exit unharmed. We even pick up a real military man escort half way. On being challenged, Prom Queen goes into her ridiculous story: nerd does a passable impression of sexually perverted Englishman - and I'm not so sure he's acting - and Harris actually comes out with some useful military expressions. Real soldier boy offers to escort us to the exit! I'm almost beginning to feel that dangerous and deceitful thing called.hope, when it all comes crashing around me. Leaning against a truck, parked near the entrance is.Riley. He's looking directly at me and.Harris.

I've managed to pass an entire day lying on this bed. Thinking of Spike. Doing.stuff, thinking of Spike. Doing it again.thinking of Spike. So the day's not been entirely wasted. But I am incredibly anxious now the sun is going down. I want to be back in action. I want to be doing something more than just thinking about Spike. I want to be saving Spike, holding Spike, loving Spike. And lying here is not going to achieve any of those things. I start pacing. It usually helps. Not this time though. Only so much you can achieve with pacing in a small motel room. I'm about to risk the last rays of day and make a dash for the ice machine - anything to pass the time - when I hear a car pulling into the car park outside the window. I look out, not expecting it to be them: hoping it will be. In my mind, I see Wesley and Cordelia in the front seat, Spike and Xander in the back. All safe.

Unfortunately, it's not quite like that. Wesley and Cordelia are there, no Spike and no Xander. They look serious and in deep conversation about something. Wesley seems to agree with something Cordelia is saying and they both stop for a moment, taking deep breaths before climbing out of the car.

Oh God. Spike is.gone: dust. That's what the look on their faces says. No Spike in the car, no reunion, no eternity together.

I sit back down on the bed and look up at my little canine friend. He looks sad, the hat pulled low over his eyes. They knock on the door and Wesley comes in first.

'Don't tell me. I don't want to hear it, Wesley. I can't hear it. Not now. Maybe sometime in the future you can tell it all to me. Let's just get going. I need to be out of here now. Please.'

'Oh. Well.all right. Are you sure, Angel? It's a rather thrilling story if I do say so myself. We had an excellent plan too. Cordelia, tell Angel about your cover story. It's really rather amusing.'

I push past him and climb into the car. 'Are you two coming or not?'

'Jees, Angel! Ungrateful or what? We risk life and limb and, I might add, this new pair of extremely expensive shoes, to rescue your bizarre friend and all we get is grumpy brood boy! That's the very last time I rescue, Spike. He, I might add, again, was a lot more grateful. As well he might be given.Angel! Ow! Let go! What?'

'Spike! Spike's not dead.I mean.gone, dust. Spike is alright?'

'Duh! Angel. I've just said that, Wesley just said that. What's up with you?' But I saw the look she exchanged with Wesley. Just like the one in the car before they came in to face me.

'Cordelia, Wes, I want the truth about Spike. Now. Do not lie to me. I will know if you do.'

'Angel, Spike is fine. He's gone back to Sunnydale with Xander. He.he was a little.he wasn't looking too good.oh god, all right, he got shot, Angel. Don't look like that.he's okay. He was shot several times during our escape, but he's okay. He didn't want you to worry and see him like that. One of the bullets caught him in the face, but he'll be okay, given time and good feeding. And he'll get both in Sunnydale. He's going to stay with Giles. He'll be looked after.'

'We're going to Sunnydale. Now.'

'No!' The dominance in his tone shocks me. 'I'm sorry, Angel. Spike made me: us, promise that. That we wouldn't let you follow him. Angel. He was very badly injured. One bullet caught him in his left eye, another in his cheek: it went through his mouth and caused a very large exit wound. We both believe the injuries will heal fully, given time. But with the injuries he already had.Angel, stop gripping my arm like that, you're hurting me. Thank you. He has had a ghastly time, Angel, there's no doubt about that, but he was quite rational and very determined not to see you until he was fully recovered. I respect that wish, and I think you should too. He was most insistent about this, Angel. Very agitated that I wouldn't put his case strongly enough. Cordelia, please tell him.'

'Sorry, Angel. It's what he wanted.'

'What happened? Tell me everything. As we drive back to LA. I'll go along with this long enough to hear what happened. But I'm warning you: I want the full story. No lies, no concocted, 'don't tell Angel that part,' pieces to the story.'

I can't believe what they tell me, on that long, sad drive back to LA. It was all going so well. Even Cordelia's acting hadn't let them down: which was a miracle in itself, I suppose. But Buffy's new love, the one I could smell so keenly in her.God, was it only two weeks ago?.her new boyfriend seems to have been a devil in disguise. Bit like her previous one then. Poor Buffy. He saw them trying to leave. He recognized Xander, of course, and realized they were rescuing Spike. He tried to stop them and when they wouldn't stop, he shot Xander. Standing over him, he was going to fire again when Spike launched himself at the prick. His chip went off and left him in agony on the ground, when Riley.I can hardly say his name.when Riley put the gun to Spike's head and fired point-blank into his face. I can imagine, only too well, what damage must have been done to my beautiful, Spike. I wonder if Riley had some reason to fire into his face like that. Wesley was not very specific in describing all of Spike's previously earned injuries, perhaps to spare Cordelia's embarrassment, but I have a very distinct feeling that Riley was making some sort of final statement by shooting Spike in the face. I shall have to ask him one day. When all of this is long behind us. But the story makes me ache to be with Spike. I want to cradle him in my arms and make him well with the power of my need for him. I want to tear this, Riley's, soul from his body with torture so exquisitely painful he would die from the wish for it to stop.

I want anything but what I actually get, which is a long drive back to LA through the cold, wet night with my human companions. Every mile taking me further away from Spike. Every mile seeming to make it less and less likely that we will ever be together.

I long to see him. I wonder if he is thinking of me.

Four weeks. Has it really been only four weeks? It seems longer but then, sometimes, it seems as though he is standing over me again and I am back in that place with the cold, steel barrel of his 9mm pistol against my face. Sometimes it seems as though it can't possibly be only four weeks that I have suffered this agony that makes me cry out: unable to stop myself or prevent the tears that come. But sometimes I am still there, forever held in that moment when he whispered, 'No more Angel face now, Buffy.'

One month of care so intensive you would think I were someone important: someone that mattered. Guilt makes humans predictable. But I'm not going to question their motives for this devotion to my welfare. I'm just going to enjoy it. As much as I can enjoy anything at the moment.

The first shot was aimed into my eye. If I hadn't have started to curl myself into a protective ball, I think it would have gone in. It went lower, directly though my cheekbone and out through my lower jaw. There was so much blood he missed entirely with his second shot, aiming for the center of my face; the bullet glanced off only taking out half the other side and an ear. Well, that's what Xander told me in the truck we stole, on the long drive back to Sunnydale. I was blown into unconsciousness by the first bullet, so had no fucking idea what had happened after that.

Oh.and I totally deny I was diving in to save Xander Harris from being killed. I mean: is that likely? No, I saw an opportunity to give farm boy some grief and I just.lost it. Forgot about the chip and.dived in. Incidentally, Xander was saved from further harm. But I repeat; that was not my intention. Hasn't stopped him being my most devoted nurse this week though. And he's had some competition too. Watcher's been like an old woman, fussing over me doing all the messy stuff, stuff with bandages, blood, stitching and bloody painful anti-something stuff. Red's been here with her.what do you call it? Friend? I like them: they've been doing healing spells that have been incredibly unhelpful. But they make me laugh and that's something. Fucking hurts like hell to laugh too. But Xander? He's done the good stuff like bringing chocolate I can't eat cus of all the bandages; so he eats it for me. He's rigged up the Watcher's TV in here and brought his own video and we've watched our way though the local store's supply of films. Helped by copious amounts of alcohol also supplied by the guilt-ridden lad. Yeah, guilt makes humans do funny things. Cus the fucking bastard wasn't actually shot at all when I dived in.when I saw him fall. He'd seen the gun, stepped back and tripped over his bleeding military boots. Shot fired uselessly above his head. So I'm not gonna lessen his guilt by pretending to be braver than I am. If I happen to scream out when the Watcher takes off the bandages and Xander's in the next room? Well good.

One thing's good though. At least I can't see myself. Don't think I'd enjoy that experience too much. Course, I didn't know what I looked like before, but I'm thinking it's got to have been better than I probably look now. But I have seen bad injuries on Vampires heal before. Dru was practically torn limb from limb by that mob in Prague and she recovered. Physically, anyway. So we're all being incredibly cheerful and optimistic. It's bleeding sickening.

But you know who's been the best of them all, who's done the most useful thing? Well, I guess it's that old guilt thing again. Cus the Slayer's been doing something we don't even talk about and certainly don' t tell the others. She started by bringing me blood, replacing the pig's blood that the Watcher had given me. It was human. I didn't tell anyone, neither did she. I felt the healing process accelerate quite noticeably after that first bag became a regular supply. Hey, if I could speak, I'd have thanked her. But I think she got the message from the way I sucked a bit harder through that straw. Healed so well in fact that this week, when the Watcher took the bandage off my lower jaw, he left it off. Still can't speak, but I can drink properly. And that's when she.did it. Late last night. After Xander left. She came in and sat with me. She only looked at me at first. Then she came over and knelt on the bed beside me. For one bizarre minute I thought of the farm boy and his ardent assertion that the Slayer wanted me. I almost laughed, 'cept she didn't try to kiss me or touch me, she bared her neck, took a small knife out of her sleeve and opened a substantial wound in her neck. Just over the mark Angel gave her. She lay gently on top of me, pressing the flowing, potent fluid to my mouth. Nothing she could have done - if she had lain down and offered her body to me - nothing could have been more erotic, generous, loving and totally, bloody shocking. But the best bit? Not that healing, magic elixir sliding down my throat, not the feeling of life and power returning to my body, not the feel of her warm body, pressed against mine, no the best bit was picturing that fucking farm boy seeing this. Oh yeah, I really got off on that.

Oh, and that's another thing we don't talk about.

Didn't stop her coming back and feeding me again tonight though.

Slayer's blood, more potent than even Sire's blood. It's the holy grail of power for a demon. It's the third taste I've had of it and.the best. Cus it was freely given.

I've rung every day. Every day for four weeks, sometimes a couple of times a day, but always the same answer. He's as well as can be expected, no he can't talk to you - he can't talk at all yet - no he doesn't want to see you, yes I'll tell him you phoned. I've written, I've sent stuff, stuff I'd though he'd like, but I haven't spoken to him and I haven't been able to see him. But I have faith in Spike's strength and in his ability to overcome this. And as I don't care what he looks like anyway, I suppose.oh, God.who am I fooling? All I can think about is those incredible cheekbones, that sensuous mouth, that perfect skin, those intense, blue eyes. What if it's all lost? What if he is not the beautiful creature I turned? I know I have always told myself I turned him for Dru. That I had no interest in him. Well, if that were true, why did I turn, him? Why not one of the thousand other pets she fawned on for a few days and then discarded. Why did I turn, him?

I wanted him, even then.

I saw the potential in that face, for a companion I would never tire of looking at, even for eternity. Perhaps as Darla did, with me. Forever is a very long time to look at the same face. I knew his was the one. And ironically, even I could not foresee the.improvements time has made on that face. Although I make fun of it, his hair is a perfect accompaniment to those cheekbones. The black clothes, set off the flawless skin. His face has become lean and hard over the years, all adding to the original perfection.

So, yes, I do care what he looks like. I do want to see him. And I'm.I'm.alright, I'll say it.I'm fucking sick of being kept away from him. I give him one week more. One week and I going to Sunnydale, and I will see him.

I have no idea why she is doing this. It seems.exceptional. To feed a demon.an enemy, your own precious blood! But I won't question why, not yet. I'll just take every drop she offers and ask questions later. Cus I can talk now. After four days, the Watcher left all the bandages off. The next day, I started talking. Xander says I haven't shut up since. Everyone is shocked at the rate of my recovery. Everyone 'cept Buffy that is, Buffy who now wears high-necked jumpers when she comes around.

I tried a test tonight. I went into game face when she came in. I wanted to save her from cutting herself again, I wanted to test my recovery on demon features, and I wanted to test her reaction to feeding a demon. All too easy to forget that's what we are when we wear our human masks. She didn't even flinch, only smiled and put the knife away and lay down with me anyway. It became so sensuous I almost lost it. I almost pulled away from her, unable to feed. But she held the back of my head to her neck and forced me to continue. She must know. She's not an innocent. She must know the reaction she is causing by doing this every night. I am, after all, naked in this bed. She must know.

But if she does, she doesn't react, she just comes in, feeds me her power and leaves. We don't talk.

Except tonight.

Tonight, I want answers; I want to know why she is doing this. Is it for memories of Angel? Is it because she trusted Riley? So when she thinks I've had enough and pulls away, I catch her arm and keep her lying on me, her face, inches from my face.

'Why?'

She looks at me a long time, as if considering her answer, then she lowers her eyes and starts fidgeting with the sheet that's between my naked chest and her sweater.

'I know, Spike. I know what he thought. I know why he shot you in your.face. And.'

Oh, bloody hell, she's started to cry, large, glistening tears form at the corner of her eyes. I let her go and push her up till she is sitting, pulling myself up too.

'What, Luv?'

She looks me directly in the eye. 'I know what he was doing to you, before, and this time.the starving.the feeding.the.other.oh God.the other one told me.so I wanted to.I don't know.even the score? Does it, Spike? Does it even the score?'

'Hey, Luv! There was no score to even. None of this was your fault. Okay, you have shit taste in men.but hey! He wasn't all bad.he was a lousy shot!'

She puts her head back onto my chest and I lie slowly back down, and that's where the Watcher finds her in the morning, asleep on me, in the bed. And I'm not saying that her presence with me that night was as good for me as her blood. I'm not saying that it actually helped the healing process, but something happened that night.

For somewhere in those long hours, not wanting to move for fear of waking her, not wanting to break that deep, blood-loss sleep.in those hours, I think I kind of found myself at last. The last little bit of what was missing clicked back into place. Because, if I closed my eyes: she was Dru. If I put my hand to her face: her tears were Dru's tears. If I let myself drift into light dreams: I was back again, caring for Dru, living for her.

Perhaps I am a loathsome, evil creature. I don't know. I try to be. But I seem to be.best, when I have someone else to look after. Slayer.Baby.Vampire Queen, don't really matter in the end.it's all need. It's all love.

So no bodily healing went on that night, but something happened.

Cus the next day, I got up.

*****
Part 9:

I know I must be.damaged. Ugly? Watcher keeps looking at me. Little sideward glances when he thinks I'm not looking. It's beginning to get me down.

I've been up all day now. He said nothing when he found Buffy in with me. She didn't give him time to; she looked at me, smiled a sweet smile.and left. But I got up and that occupied him for a while, fussing over me.

But I'm okay. I've been up all day, I've had a shower, I've watched TV and I've been annoying. I feel fine.so why is he looking at me like that? Wish I had a mirror. Thought those guys with a razor had done a good job but I bet this is worse. Feels fine. When I run my hands over my face, it feels fine. I can see okay, so my eye's still there. So why is he looking at me like that? I can't stand it any longer.

'Giles! What? Tell me the worst. Come on Watcher, I'm a sodding demon, remember? Scars.good!'

I'm gonna fucking die if he says I'm ugly. Hell, I've traded on this face for over a hundred years.

'What? What on earth are you talking about, Spike?'

'My face! You keep fucking looking at my face. Tell me the worst, how ugly am I?'

'Oh! No! Good grief.that's not why.your face is just as unpleasant as before.it looks exactly the same to me.no it's not that.'

'The same? Two fucking bullets, point blank range, and you're telling me my face is just the same?'

'Spike. You are a Vampire: remember? Eternal: no change? And, I might add, a Vampire that has had a rather unusual medicine this last week.do I need to say more? So shut up about your face. Please. No, it's something else I have to tell you. To be honest, I'm rather sorry I didn't tell you before you went on that disastrous mission. But better late than never I suppose, and I truly think this will help your full recovery.although as I said, strangely, that seems to have already happened. And you can stop pretending to snore, I'm getting to my point.eventually.'

He gets up and goes over to a drawer, takes out a piece of folded paper and comes to sit next to me on the couch.

'Now, you remember, don't you Watcher, our little chat about you fancying me.you DON'T, okay?

'Shut up, Spike. I've had four weeks of your sense of humour and, suffice to say, I'm quite immune to it now. No, this is about the baby. Remember? Daisy. Well, apparently the family on her mother's side was rather well-to-do. There was a substantial reward for her safe return. She was safely returned. So it's been paid. To you.'

He shows me a letter and points to a sum of money.

I look at the enormous number of zeros for a while.

'This is one of those funny foreign money things, isn't it? This is, like, where ten thousand of these,' and I point to the figure quoted in the letter, ' is worth one dollar. Right?'

'Well, actually, yes, it is foreign currency, Spike. Not to us though, I suppose. Daisy's mother is English. This is pounds, Sterling.'

'Oh. Shit.'

'Quite.'

'So.I'm.'

'Yes, you are.'

'Fuck.'

'Again, quite.'

I'm still in a sort of large-number-of-zeros-fug when Xander and Buffy arrive later that evening.

'Hey, deadboy. How's the mug then?'

'I don't know, you tell me.'

'Ugly as ever I'm thinking, what'd you think, Buff?'

'Oh, I don't know, I think that face has kinda grown on me.oh, in a totally not, ON ME, way, oh God.shutting up now.'

'Well, when the Spike's face fan club has finished, do you think we could discuss the little matter of Spike's new found.'

'Humility, Giles?'

'Thank you, Buffy, I was going to say.'

'Reverence for human life?'

'Shut up, Xander. This is important. Show them, Spike. Show them the letter.'

Wordlessly, I hand it over to the Slayer and they peer at it together. Then they look at me. I look at Giles, he's looking at his tea, so I look back at Xander.

'Fancy choosing a TV with me then, Mate?'

Watcher looks up frowning, 'Spike, I think you should invest this.you have a long time ahead of you.well, actually eternity.if we are all unlucky enough.and I suspect most of that will be unemployed, so.'

'Hey, like you then, Giles.' Tee hee, I love this kid sometimes.

'Seriously, and thank you, Xander, for that unhelpful comment, seriously though, Spike, you must think about property.'

'I am. A TV, a fridge, a computer.oh.and a car.a DVD player.and.'

'Property, Spike! A house or an apartment. You can't stay in a crypt all your unlife. Buy yourself a place to live!'

Uh huh. 'Could I afford a place in LA with this?'

'Easily in some areas, I would think.'

Oh.

'Hey, fancy a flat hunting trip, Mate?'

That's it. One more week I've given it. Now I'm going to Sunnydale, I'm going to claim what is mine, what should have been mine two months ago if he hadn't had to go off on some new-age quest to find himself. He should have been here these last two months with me. I should have been with him. This has all been a waste: for nothing. Well no more. I'm going to get him, and nothing he can say will prevent me bringing him back here.

It's another long drive to Sunnydale, but hopefully this may be for the last time. I'll have no need to come here again, if this works.

I can see Giles in the kitchen through the window. No sign of Spike. Perhaps he's still in bed. I knock and wait patiently until the door is answered. I'm not so welcome here that I can just, walk in, like the others seem to.

'Oh. Hello, Angel. I didn't know you were coming. Did you tell me you were coming?'

My feelings for this man have changed so dramatically over the last few weeks that I feel genuinely.abashed in front of him. He's looked after Spike as well as I could have myself. I can't hate him anymore.

'I want to see Spike. Now.'

'Come in, but I'm sorry, Angel, he's not here. He's better, so he left.'

'He's better? He's left?' What? What does he mean? Where's he gone, why didn't he contact me? Oh, God. Have I been reading this all wrong? Was this stupid, finding himself, nothing more than an excuse not to stay with me? Does he really still hate me? God. Does he find my desire for him, disgusting? Worse. Did he find the tracer I put on him and does he hate me for it? Did he think I was trying to own him again? Did it bring back all those old, bad memories of my dominance over him?

'Where is he?'

'I'm not sure. He had some stuff to do. But I think he will be in touch. I am sorry, Angel. If you had phoned, I would have told you this then. Pity you drove all the way here.'

'Is he back in his crypt then?' I'm totally confused here. Why have you gone, and where are you, Spike?

'No, that's abandoned again, up for rent, as it were. Look, Angel, I really can't tell you anymore. Wait till he gets in contact, eh? Won't be long, I'm sure. Would you like to stay for a.err cup of tea?'

I don't. I leave and drive back to LA. On my own. My own company again. Something I am getting rather tired of.

It's late when I get back and make my way wearily down into the apartment.

He's been here. The air is full of.Spike. He's not here now, but he was. There's a small parcel on the table. I have rarely moved so quickly for anything. It's small, wrapped up in parcel tape. Bloody hell, Spike, is this supposed to be a joke? It's so tightly bound in tape I can't get into it. At least an inch thick of tape wrapped around and around. Very funny.

After trying a knife, my teeth, some scissors, I finally get it open by using one of my swords. He's going to get it for this.

I find a note and inside that, another tightly wrapped parcel.

I read the bold handwriting with a sense of.foreboding?.anticipation?.fear?

Angel.someone cared enough about me to give me one of these.it saved my life. Now you've got one. Don't ever lose it. I want to know where to find you.through eternity. Spike.

Inside the inner parcel, when I manage to slash it open with the sword, is a.tracer. It flashes in my hand. On and off. On and off. I feel once more, my hand lying on his chest, I feel his taut nipple under my palm and I think I will feel that connection for eternity. He knows. He knows what I did and why I did it, and he has given that care back to me.

There's another note attached to the tiny, flashing unit. It's just an address, in LA. Strange.

It's been a rush. Spending: even better than feeding. Almost. We've had a blast, Buffy, Xander and.me. Well, all right, Buffy's father's done all the real work, we've just hung around saying, 'Nah, don't like this one,' at suitable moments. Till we found this place. This one is just perfect. Expensive: but perfect. Entry phones, doorman, elevator, view. Perfect. He'll be here soon. Am I excited? Yes. I can honestly say that I am. Just a little excited. Not only to see the poof again - a bit longer than I thought it would take to see him too - not just that, I'm excited to see what he will think of the new.me. The rich me. Cus you have to admit, it's different. It's been weird, seeing how differently people treat you when you have the readies. Okay, so I'm not being called, Sir, all the time, but I have a few times and each one was good. I like it. Course the others creased up in gales of laughter every time the salesmen did it. Until they saw this place. Then they just stood, in awed respect.

This is fucking fantastic.

Shit.

That's the elevator. This is what the waiting has all been for. This is why I wouldn't let him come to me in Sunnydale, when I needed him so much; wanted him more. This is why I stayed there with the Watcher, getting better on my own. I want to move on from being his needy, impetuous Childe. I want him to love me, but even more, I want him to respect me.

I can actually feel my dead heart beating.

I can't swallow.

Can I really be like this because Angel is coming?

Because Angel is ringing the bell?

Cus Angel is just the other side of this door?

I open it and.invite him in.

He comes in and stands oblivious to the apartment. He takes my face in his hands and turns it from side to side looking at every feature. He tilts it up to look under my jaw, down to look at my hair. His face is a study of worry and fear. Then relief.

'Still like what you see, Luv?'

He doesn't reply, he just pulls me into his embrace, squeezing my face tightly against his cheek. I can feel intense emotion running like a vibrating chord through his strong body, I can smell the salt of unasked for tears and hear deep, unnecessary breathing.

'Hey, Pet. I'm not that ugly am I?'

He pushes me out to arms length making no attempt to wipe the tears on his face. My Sire, Angel, crying! For me? 'No. You're not. You are perfect. Not a mark.' he pulls me to him again, then, for the first time he looks around.

'All right, Spike. I've been patient. I've been.very patient. But what is this,' and he gestures around the apartment, 'what is this, all about then?'

'Oh, this.' I say nonchalantly. 'You were right. Apparently the Watcher did fancy me, he's set me up in this.as his.ow! Hey, just a joke, Mate. Jees, anal or what.ow! Angel! Okay, okay, it's mine. This is all mine.' And I just can't help but grin from ear to ear. 'Mine!'

I take his hand in both of mine and drag him from room to room, relating the story. He is suitably impressed.

'Let me get this right then, I have been saving lives for three years now and I've hardly ever, even been paid. But you.you find one baby.are forced by the chip to pick her up, and you get.all this?'

'Hey, I did a lot more than just pick her up. I had to hold her too! I earned this. And don't you forget it.'

But now the poof is looking real sad. He's looking at the huge picture windows which lead onto the balcony with the stunning views - oh yeah, I know that brochure by heart! He's gone back into his brood boy look, all hunched shoulders and clenched butt. And I know exactly what he is thinking the stupid pillock. Oh, Angel, Luv, you have just got to learn to trust me!

It was incredible. Not a mark. Not a scratch on that stunning face. I looked hard to see if I could see the least sign of what that.man, had done to him.but nothing. He was perfect. I wonder how, even Spike, could heal this quickly.

But even more incredible, was finding Spike.here. This place is incredible: beautiful. I have no idea now, where I fit in with Spike's plans. This is not what I expected when he wanted, 'space'. I thought he would come back, I thought he would need me, I thought he would want to be with me. I didn't think he would want his own place, like this. Now, I'm not so sure where I fit in with this rich, self-contained, experienced, Spike. Independent, arrogant, rich Spike: and me. It's not how I'd imagined it.

I'm his Sire: I feel more like his apprentice.

I stand staring out at the view through his huge picture windows. This is so, Spike. Only Spike could think of buying a south-facing apartment with wall-to-wall picture windows.

'This isn't very practical, Spike. You'll have to have the blinds closed all day.'

'Oh yeah, I guess, if I was going to live here.only it's good for tenants. Makes it much easier to rent out, so the salesman said. And I guess he's right, cus it's rented from tomorrow.' He's grinning. The little.git, he knew what I was thinking. I clip him playfully across his head.

'You didn't really think I would waste an opportunity for a little easy-come-easy-go dosh, when I can rent this out and bunk for free with an old, free-and-easy demon I know? Now come on Angel, give me a little credit.'

I ask him how much he's getting for this place in rent. I actually stagger from shock at the amount. He just grins, and from behind slides his hands under my coat and strokes across my chest. We stand looking out over LA at night.

'What now, Spike?'

'What do you want?' he whispers in my ear.

'You.'

'Ahh.your place then?'

'Why not.here?'

'Hey! This is all clean and nice and new, I'm not fucking up this place an' having to clean it. Nah, let's go and fuck up your place.'

So, ever the romantic, Spike takes my hand and leads me to the door.

As we walk towards the elevator, I can't help but feel the symbolism of this moving from one place.to another. If he had stayed when he first came to LA.how long would it have lasted? How long before I staked him.he left me.we ended up hating each other? But now? Now, Spike is an entirely different creature from the broken, lost Vampire who came to me then.

Now, he is the demon I remember: the one I have been remembering, for twelve decades. But now, in twelve minutes he will be, not what I remember, but what I know and have.

I wonder what he is thinking.

So how is this supposed to go again? Cus I'm not sure I know what to do now. It was all going so well until he actually got here. I had it all pictured in my mind. Angel comes through the door, sees me, sees this place, falls at my feet, declares undying love to me, I made long, sweet love to him, we go to his place, he gets me lots of stuff, I don't spend any of my money, we live happily ever after: dead. You have to admit, it was a good plan. But it all went to fuck when I actually saw him. Cus I suddenly couldn't remember my part in the plan. What was I supposed to do after he declared undying love to me? Some thing about.shit. I don't know how to do that, to.make love. How the fuck do I know how to do that? All I know about is stuff that ain't much to do with love. I know about pain, I know about humiliation and I know about rejection. Don't know nothing about acts of love. I know how you tear when they thrust in unwelcome, unprepared. I know the smell of blood and the feeling of violation. I know that sense of being ripped apart and.used. I know about humiliation. I know how to beg for release, to beg for mercy, to beg for it just to.stop. I know all that and I've been so far down that road I almost disappeared from humiliation so bad I couldn't face it, or myself. And the beautiful creature alongside me in this car is responsible for most of my knowledge about rejection. How was I supposed to feel.lying in those different beds, in different countries and through so many years, lying there seeing him with.them. Seeing him turn from me to.them: from my body to.theirs. So yeah! I know about rejection.

What I'm not so sure about is what I'm gonna do with all this fucking insight.

Guess I'll just have to go with what I know.

The atmosphere seems incredibly tense in the car. I don't think either of us knows what the fuck is going to happen.or how. This is all I've dreamt of for a hundred fucking years but I'm so scared. I feel tension and arousal in every fiber of my being. The car is so fucking slow. Drive faster Angel. Let's get this on. I want to do this. NOW. I've waited so long, had so much pain, so much fucking pain.

Let's just get this over with.

*****