I'm actually nervous. I'm.embarrassed. I have never taken a shower with anyone before. Although I've been naked in front of Spike a thousand times - although he's seen me with Darla, with Dru, with human victims - although he's seen me in every imaginable position - I'm embarrassed now. This is just ridiculous. I'm supposed to be taking a shower but in all the confusion of getting back, I'm not sure whether he said he was going to join me or not. And now I don't like to ask. In case he thinks I'm pushing things or something. I've learnt over the last four days to assume nothing about Spike and what he is likely to be thinking. He is a law unto himself.

The trip back was.different. Spike was.variable. One minute he seemed his old self - complaining, vocal, rude, funny, sexy as hell - but the next he was moody and quiet. I didn't sense that awful, vacant Spike returning though, more the old Spike I knew: quiet. He seemed to be trying to puzzle something out. But what with his leg, my stomach and a few miles of rotten sewer to negotiate, I was too occupied to ask him what.

That's why I should go out now and ask him directly. So there will be no misunderstandings between us anymore.

It's gotten quiet now. Oh god! Why does this never get any easier? I thought I had this all sorted in my mind. I thought I knew what I wanted. But I don't. Not really. What am I doing even contemplating taking on this troubled, damaged demon? I am supposed to be on a path to redemption: to becoming human once more. Where the hell is Spike supposed to fit into that plan? He is hardly going to aid my redemption - more like damn me to hell again. And if he doesn't; if I do get my, 'prize', what then? How could we have anything together, me human, him still demon?

This is just a fantasy. This is something I have thought of through long nights to keep me sane. This is not real. It's dangerous to try and make fantasy: reality. You end up ruining one and losing the other. What are we going to do? Live here, like.Vampire lovers? As if the Powers That Be are going to let that go unchallenged. He is still basically evil. I wonder what he would do right now, if I were able to take that chip out for him. I somehow don't think he would go back to Sunnydale to thank everyone for being so kind to him. Well, he might but the 'thank you' would probably be a little messy.

So this is not going to work. I cannot give up what I have strived for.for him. I gave up Buffy for this chance at redemption. If I don't pursue my aim, I will end up insane. The guilt of my evil will drive me mad - I will be back in alleyways, chasing rats. I have to atone. I need to be forgiven. And if that means giving up this chance of happiness: so be it.

But how to tell Spike!

I wrap a towel around my waist and take the longest most painful journey of my life. I'd rather walk back through the gates of hell. If I find him naked, coming towards me, I will be damned. I will play out my fate till I am either staked or insane, but I could not turn him down.

He's sitting fully dressed in the kitchen, sipping some coffee.

Before I can speak he looks up and I almost think I can see tears in his eyes. Can't be. This is, Spike. Spike, has never cried to my knowledge in all the years I've known him. But as he so vocally pointed out tonight: I don't seem know him all that well.

'I'm not staying, Angel. I'm going back. Home.'

Oh.

I was supposed to start this. I was supposed to tell him that this wouldn't work. He was supposed to fling himself on me, rip away this towel, kiss me and.make love to me. I was supposed to give in and beg him to stay. That's how this was supposed to go. It's how this always goes.in my shower fantasy. I decide my redemption is too precious. I come out - always dressed in this towel - to tell him to go, but he wins me round with those eyes, that mouth, those hands. And this time it was going to be for real. Not once, in all my fantasies, has Spike ever initiated this conversation and told me he was leaving.

Oh.

'Why?'

'I'm not sure as I understand it meself, Mate. But this.' and he waves his hand vaguely around the apartment.'this ain't any more real for me than.you know.what I've been doing. It seemed like a good idea when you were sitting on me: in the bar. But I was thinking about it all the way here. What am I going to do, Angel? What am I going to be? Besides some kind of fuck toy. Sorry, Pet.I know that's not what you'd be thinking about me.but it's what I'd be thinking about meself. It's as if I've been doing that recently for someone.I don't know, it's all hazy and unreal, but I need to be sure.'

'Don't do this, Spike.' I sit down opposite him at the table. Has it suddenly got cold in here, or is it just that I am still wet? I've started to shiver, so it must be cold. 'This is ridiculous. You'd be yourself. Nothing more: nothing less.'

'Uh huh. Well maybe you can tell me who that is then, cus I'm sure as hell I don't know. Cus I'm not really back am I, Angel? I'm not, William, I'm not, Spike - not with this chip. I'm someone new: post-Spike, I suppose. But whatever - whoever - I am, I need time to find that out. And being here with you would be too.easy. I'd just lose myself again. And as much as I enjoyed not having to listen to that fat git, Harris, I really don't want to start disappearing again.'

'I'm not acquiescing to this rubbish, but, playing Devil's advocate, where would you go?'

'There's only one place really.' He looks up with an expression that tears my dead heart in two, 'Sunnydale.'

'Spike! For God's sake! It was being there, that got you like this. Why there of all places?'

'You know why.'

And I suppose I do. He can't find himself anywhere else. Because that's where he got lost. But, oh.this is more than I can bear.

'I'm coming too. You are not going back to live in a damp crypt, with no one. We'll get somewhere. I'll.' but before I even finish my sentence he stands up and with the saddest of smiles, starts walking over to the stairs.

'There is no place there for you anymore, Angel. You know that. That is fantasy. This is the real world. I've been trying to escape it, Mate. But it don't go away. It's always going to be there when the fantasy ends. I need to go back alone and I need to.oh god.am I actually going to use this phrase.I need to find myself again.' He pauses on the bottom step. 'Don't follow me, Pet. It'll only make it more difficult. And I've beaten you up enough tonight.you are getting on a bit you know. I'll be in touch. See ya.'

And with that: he leaves.

What was I telling myself about redemption? What did I think about the Powers That Be not approving? I feel like screaming to them, very loudly and very clearly: fuck you!

I'm so fucking grown up I'll be buying a cardigan soon. I don't really believe I just did that. Specially as I've no fucking car and no bloody money for a bus. Sodding hell. Why didn't I just stay one night, fuck a car out of the poof and then leave. I never think things through. Must be something to do with the sight of Angel in that towel. I knew if I didn't leave there and then, I'd be sitting in that chair forever. And regardless of all his so-adult reasoning and playing Devil's whatnots, I would be his fuck toy. That's what his pet humans would think. That's what I'd think. Fuck. What did I really think I was doing even contemplating staying with him? This isn't.then. This isn't me, and him, cutting a swath through Europe: Vampire lovers. That's the fantasy. That's what I wake up hard to every morning. This is working-Angel who pretends to be human and the chip boy. I don't want to fight demons for a living. I don't want to hang around that apartment all day waiting for the high and mighty Angel to decide to come down and stick it to me cus he's bored and the in-tray's empty. I want me, and him. Cutting a swath. Vampire lovers. Shit: Vampire fuckers - I'm not fussy. Nah.who am I kidding? Vampire lovers.

Oh, but it's a fucking long walk back to Sunnydale. Wonder if I changed me rates.to a ride, I could.hum, now's there's a thought.

Fucking lorry drivers. Just cus they have big, 'trucks', they're still dickhead lorry drivers in my book.

Nice to be home. Not. Smells even worse than when I left. I think a major redecoration is in order with this place. Tomorrow. Yeah and maybe the fucking-sun'll-come-out-tomorrow as well.

Oh.bloody hell!

What was my reason for coming back to this shit hole? Why didn't I want to stay with Angel in his nice LA apartment? Why did I give up free blood and sex with Angel? Am I the stupidest sodding demon on the face of this sorry planet? Except for Angel that is.

I'm right back where I started before I started to disappear. I feel solid enough now though. Pissed off with myself, but real enough. Fucking hell, I hate my life. And what is that sodding noise? Oh, no! Don't tell me it's me again. Don't tell me I've starting fucking whining again.cus that was just embarrassing.

What is that noise? Ain't me. Sure of that. That's human. That's a human baby: crying. Ahh, ignore it. It's cold outside.it won't be crying for long.

Ow!

Fuck! What the hell just happened there? I'm just standing here.not hurting anyone.chip shouldn't be going off. And shut up you stupid baby.I'm in pain here.

Ow!

Again! Why is this sodding chip going off? Shut up! Fuck you.will you SHUT UP!

OW!

SHUT UP!

OW!

SHUT UP!

OW! OW! OW!

Oh.

All right. Where are you? I'm coming. Jesus it's cold out here. Well, for California it's cold.should try Sunderland in February. Come on little fucker where are you? Ahh, here we are.

For God's sake. A baby girl is sitting on the damp, cemetery ground, crying piteously. Well, I ain't gonna pick you up. I've got things to do.

Ow! Oh no you don't!

Ow! Ow! Oh, God, stop!

All right! I'll pick you up. Ow! Gently.picking you up gently! Okay?

Oh God. I can see the headlines now.Vampire kidnaps baby for bizarre satanic rituals.this, is not good.

I carry the little fucker into the crypt. At least swearing at it don't set me chip off, so I enjoy that for a while.

Oh sodding hell.what is that? Is that snot on my duster? This duster has survived earthquakes, floods and bullet holes. I do NOT want snot on it!

I wipe the little fucker's face with a rag. At least it's stopped bloody crying. It's sitting in my armchair staring up at me. I have no idea how old it is. It don't seem to be able to walk.

Why me?

I was supposed to be finding myself tonight, and I had a whole plan worked out. Well, all right, I was just gonna go to sleep and hope everything would be better in the morning. But that was a plan of sorts. Better than some I've had. I wanted to think about the last few days. I wanted to think about Angel, and that is in the.biblical sense of thinking about Angel. I wanted to.shit, did I want to brood? Nah. Can't have.

But I did not want to be babysitting. THAT was definitely not in me plan.

Its eyes are the colour of the ocean at midnight, under a bright moon. Its eyelashes frame them like delicate strokes on a Japanese scroll. Damp with its tears, they glisten like jet.

Oh, God.

I squat down in front of her.

'Where have you come from, eh, Pet? And what am I supposed to do with you? Can't stay here, Luv. Don't think you'd like living with Spike too much. It's horrible here. Cold and damp and full of dead things. Like me.' But she seems to like the idea, she stands up and starts.bouncing. Too bad baby, you can't stay here. I've got to get you back where you belong. I'd take a bet someone, somewhere is missing you.

Oh, bollocks!

'Come on, baby. We're going to Uncle Giles'.'

I'd rather suck Harris' cock than go crawling back to the Watcher's, but I have to get little blue-eyes here back where she belongs.

She's as light as a feather and clings to me as I carry her through the cemetery. I cover her with my duster - just so I don't get stopped and asked awkward questions. No other reason.

Soon as the old git opens the door I blurt out, 'Don't stake me.she's nothing to do with me.I just found her.and, oh, by the way, I'm back.' No need to tell them just how true that is.

Trust my luck all the fucking children are here too. Don't they ever do proper teenage stuff.like shagging and drugs! Jesus! Oh well, baptism by fire. I'm back, so they'd better get used to it.

'Well, come in then.and give her to me.'

Soon as he tries to take her from me, she lets up a howl of protest and the bloody chip goes off again.

'Oh, God.stop. Leave her! I'll hold her. Let go! I'll hold her till you find her bleeding parents.' I ignore the stares of the children and plonk myself down on the couch and get little lady comfortable. She stands on me, peering balefully at the Watcher over my shoulder. She starts bouncing again. Little dancer this one.

The girls, of course, are all over me now. Should have tried this, years ago. Only, didn't have a good track record with bringing Dru babies: she tended to eat 'em! Harris is spitting mad. I give him an irritating grin behind their backs.

'Baby suits you, Spike. Maybe you should think about having one. Oh.duh!.my memory.you can't, can you? You're dead!'

Now, few days ago, I'd have been a tad upset about shit like that from him. Think he was the first person I stopped hearing when that fucking screaming started. Now though? He's just a greasy, fat, irritating git whose gonna be dead when I'm still here, still fighting and fucking and still beautiful.

'Why don't you shut the fuck up, Harris, and go do something useful like buy some milk and some nappies for 'er.' He's about to protest but the girls give him outraged looks that he didn't think of it himself. He folds under their combined, feminine wrath and stomps off complaining to himself.

Little un's gone very still and very quiet on my shoulder. She's asleep. She's incredibly warm and soft and her blood is so fresh. I inhale deeply into her neck. Just to smell the blood of course.

The girls are tiptoeing around me, bringing me stuff, so I don't have to move. Good this. Last time I was here they didn't even see me. Watcher's making phone calls about the baby. I almost turn round and tell him not to bother till she's awake. That she can't go when she's asleep. But it's too late. He comes over with a look of satisfaction on his face.

'I have a very strong feeling that we are going to be having visitors in an hour or so. Seems our little friend here was a 'tug-of-love' victim. She was kidnapped by her father two months ago apparently. Last week he was found, murdered. She's been missing ever since. Her mother and her.lawyers I think.are coming here with the police as soon as they can. She's thirteen months old apparently, and called Daisy.'

Daisy. Huh. I haven't seen one of those since I was human. Or haven't noticed. Daisy. Tug-of-love? That ain't love. That's just greed. That's just spite. I'm a bloody demon and I know more about love than that.

But don't even think about Angel here, now. Don't think about Angel while I have this warm baby in my arms. Don't think about Angel when I can smell her soft hair. That's just not fair. As usual, fate decides to choose this moment to give me a swift kick in the balls. The phone rings.

'Yes, hello. Rupert Giles here. Oh, Angel.it's you again. Yes, he is here now actually, he arrived about ten minutes after your last call. Funny coincidence. No, I'm sorry he can' t come to the phone he's rather occupied. Okay, I'll try.' He stretches the phone over to me and I find myself, in the middle of this bizarre event, talking to Angel. With the whole fucking Scobbie gang listening in, including fat boy who has just got back.

'Hi.'

'Hello. How are you?'

'Err.about the same as when I saw you a few hours ago. I'm at the Watcher's and the Slayer is here. With Red and.all of them.'

'Why couldn't you come to the phone? How did you get back to Sunnydale? I suddenly realised you didn't have your car. Why did you go? When are you coming back? Why are you at the Watcher's. What's happening, Spike.talk to me.'

'Yes.as I said.I'm at the Watcher's, Mate. They are all here. Listening.'

'Oh. Well, do you need me?'

How do I answer that? Yes, Angel, I need you like I need blood, like I need my eternity. 'No, I'm okay, I'm handling things.'

'Oh, so you're not thinking about me at all?'

'Angel.'

'Yes?'

'Guess what I'm holding.'

'I give up.is this going to be rude?'

'A baby.Angel.Angel, you still there?'

'Okay, Spike, I'm staying really calm. Did you say, a baby?'

'Yep!'

'You have never held a baby in your entire life. Why now?'

'I found 'er, outside me crypt.she's a missing person sorta.well, not now, cus I found 'er. She's going home soon.'

'What's she like?'

'She's beautiful.'

'Oh. I miss you. I've sent you something. I've sent it to Giles'. Can you collect it from there?'

'Guess so, what is it?'

'It's a surprise.'

'Oh. Is it rude?'

'Are they all still listening?'

'Sort of.so it is?'

'Sorry, no. I just want to tell you I miss you and I.want you. Right now. As in.want you!'

'Oh.not a good time to do this, Angel. Cus I do too now. You. And like I said.audience!'

'Damn!'

'Yeah'

'Shall I come up there? Please say, yes.'

'You wouldn't like my crypt much.'

'Would you be in it?'

'Duh! Pillock.'

'Then I'd love it!'

'Okay then, if you.Oh My God.what is that? That smell? Fucking hell!'

'Spike.Spike, what's wrong?'

'Oh.I've got to go. I'll ring you back. Later. Okay?'

'All right.but.'

I drop the phone. 'Help, someone, get her off me.' I've smelt decaying plague victims I'd rather have asleep on my shoulder than.oh God!

'Someone take her. Now!'

'I thought your chip went off every time we took her away from you?'

'It can frazzle me brain to sweetmeats for all I care.just take 'er and.decontaminate 'er.'

'Oh, goodness, I see what you mean. Buffy.your department, I think!'

'I'm a Slayer, Giles. I don't do diapers!'

'Oh, for goodness sake.give her to me.I'll do it.'

'Well done, Will. Hey you could use magic to do it!'

'Xander!'

I don't care if Red calls down all the powers of Satan, as long as I don't have to smell, that, anymore. I take the opportunity to have a stretch. And wrap my duster a little more discretely over my rather obvious bulge. Wonder what Angel is doing with his. Not hiding it, I bet. I'm tempted to phone him up and ask him. But I need a lot more privacy than this!'

'Beer, Spike?'

Life turns on tiny incidents. The Watcher's just offered me a drink. I take it from him as if I were a man, a friend: alive.

'Thanks.' Hardly adequate: he has just helped me find a little piece of myself.

Red brings a fresh, clean and now, very wide-awake baby back into the room. Wide awake and missing.'Ow! Give her back. Now! Ow! Stop laughing, Harris! Ow!'

So I baby-sit for a few more hours. But eventually she has to go. I slide quietly away into the bedroom and leave through a window. No point trying to explain anything about me to cops, or frantic mothers. Giving her to the Watcher was.painful. Just as well she heard her Mother's voice, and the chip didn't go off.

So I'm rather at a loss now. Dead tired. But, kind of lost. The crypt looks even less appealing than it did a few hours ago. Colder; damper; gloomier. For the first time, I think I'd rather be at the Watcher's. As much as I loath them all: I kind of like them too. Some of them.

I get down as far as I can under the covers of my old bed. I wonder what Angel is doing now. I forgot to phone him back. Guess he'll be worried. If I'd stayed in LA we'd be in bed together now. It would be his hand reaching down to brush against the tip of my cock.like this. It would be his hand I'd guide to fondle my aching balls. His strong grip would take my swollen shaft and pull the foreskin back, then squeezing it up, milk these drops of precum.

Oh, God. If I close my eyes I can picture him lying alongside me. This time there would be no disgust, no fear, no reason not to.ah, he has taken my cock in his mouth. The cold is not so noticeable, it's not so dark in here anymore cus I'm seeing lights going off behind my closed lids. I'm not lonely anymore, cus he is here. And when I come, in a rush of endless, cold seed, it is his tongue taking it off my hand.

As I come down from the intense orgasm, I can't keep the fantasy going, but I know, with a certainty borne of shared blood and passion.I know that in LA, Angel has just come too and in his mind, my hand was on his cock. And I know that now, his thoughts are on me too.

*****
Part 5:

When I wake up, I have the distinct impression I've been dreaming about Angel all day. Not Angel's body: sprawled on the bed, sated from my body - the thought I fell asleep to - but thoughts of Angel walking with me, talking with me, just being with me. I feel a sense of melancholy and missed opportunity. But not enough to distract from a total, blinding.hunger! I'm hungry! Ravenous! It's like coming back to life.I haven't felt hungry since, since.oh yeah! Since I was the old Spike.

I absolutely have to feed. But I've an even more pressing need. I just have to know what Angel's sent me in the post!

Hey! I'm a hundred and twenty seven years old, and I've never, ever, been sent post before! It's exciting. Post first: blood second.

The Watcher is cooking his tea when I arrive and I hesitate on the doorstep. I feel like something a dog produces that keeps getting traipsed into the house. But his reaction surprises me.

'Spike! Come in. Hungry? Angel said you might drop by to collect this.' and he throws a small parcel at me.'so I got some supplies in for you. Cup of tea to go with it?' He passes me a mug of warm blood and a cup of tea. I feel as if I'd stepped into a film, but I've forgotten my lines. I think he senses my confusion.

'Err, Spike. It was a good thing you did yesterday.yes, I know, you are still evil. I know you don't like being called.good, but nevertheless, it was a good thing you did. You could have.well, enough said. What's in your parcel then?'

I don't want to open it in front of him. Just in case Angel decides this was a good time to acquire a sense of humour. I slip it into my pocket mumbling something about leaving stuff in LA.

It's weird. I am sitting at the Watcher's table, drinking tea and.talking. He's asking my advice about some demon research he's doing. He keeps casting sideways glances at me though, and I feel he's working up to say something.

'Spike, I have something to tell you, which might come as a bit of a shock to you.'

'Giles!'

Shit, we both jump as the Slayer, Harris and.oh, do I recognize him? He looks awfully familiar and not in the nice sense of that!

'Giles! Professor Walsh is dead! And Riley has something he needs to tell us.about the Initiative. He was going through her stuff, for shipping, and he found some files. He thinks he knows why they were chipping the demons.'

'Buffy, slow down. Sit down, all of you. Tea?'

'Hostile 17! Err.it's Hostile 17! Buffy, what is Hostile 17 doing here?'

'That's, Spike. He's not hostile and he's not a number. He's our.he's been helping us.'

'You know a Vampire?'

'Only in the biblical sense, Pet.'

Oh God. He didn't even get it. Duh! Brain not in proportion to those muscles I' m thinking. He looks at me as if he could.fuck, do I know him? That look, looks more than familiar. I feel disorientated as if I'm slipping away again, as if I'm not quite.real. Why should a big oaf like this make me feel so.strange?

Hey, what the fuck, I'm full of blood and tea and I've got a nice little pressie to investigate. Time for old Spike to make a quick exit.yep, pretty good evening so far.

Fuck the Initiative, fuck files and important information, fuck all professors, especially fuck military oafs: I've got post!

I can't even wait till I get back to the crypt! I stop in the park on the way back and find a nice secluded spot under a tree.

The writing is almost unfamiliar. Angelus' without the hint of psycho maybe. But it's still done with a nice pen, and proper ink. Angel likes the finer things of life too. There almost seems to be the slightest hesitation in the 'S', of my name. Did he wonder what to put? What name to use? He's written, c/o, in full - 'care of' - it looks funny.

Spike
Care of, Mr. R Giles

Makes me smile. What an odd imagery it conjures up. Wonder what the Watcher had to tell me?

The paper is tightly bound with tape. Typical, Angel. I can picture him, in the semi-dark, methodically going round and round this little parcel, till nothing could escape it.

Nothing can get into it either. Fuck. I can't make an inroad anywhere. I cast a quick glance around - deserted - slip into game face, use fangs, back to human. Useful being a Vampire sometimes. There's another, small, wrapped parcel inside, but a note falls into my hand, it's rolled up and contained in a ring. The note is in Angel's elegant hand, the ring, is the ring from his own finger.

Spike,
I'm so sorry now that I destroyed your ring. It would have kept you
safe for me. This one is no compensation I know, but I thought you
might like it.
Before you open the enclosed: firstly, one is only a loan, so don't
let your pride get ruffled. Don't be hungry: don't be cold. The
second is fully pre-paid. Use it. Please.
Angel

Hum. No way am I going to wear any poofy ring from Angel. It'll be too big anyway. I try it on. Far too loose. I put it on my thumb, better. Well I'll just leave it there while I open me other parcel. Just to keep the poofy thing out of the way.

I rip open the inner parcel. Ten, one hundred dollar notes and.bugger me!.a mobile phone!

I guess your first ever present, kind of has to be your best ever. But even if a thousand presents had gone before, this would still be the best. I think I'm grinning from ear to ear, but that would be embarrassing, so I can't be. I press the memory key.and yeah.he's programmed in his number.

'Spike.'

'Thanks, Mate.'

'Are you alone this time?'

'Oh yeah. Just me and a few squirrels!'

'So, how are you. Really?'

'Surprisingly, I'm okay. Been busy. No time to brood.'

'Giles told me about the baby. What you did. It was a good.'

'Yeah, so everyone keeps telling me.'

'Don't sell yourself short, Spike.'

'Never! You know me.me rates are exorbitant!'

'Hum.so.when are you coming back?'

'I've only been gone one day!'

'Seems longer.'

'Yeah.'

`Are you wearing it?'

`Nah, too poofy. Like you.'

`Does it fit?'

`Yeah.'

`Good. I miss it, makes me think of you when I see it gone. What are you doing now?'

'Talking to you.'

'Funny.I mean.'

'I know what you mean, Angel. I'm probably doing what you're doing.wanker!'

'Oh. Tell me about it then?'

'Ohhh! So that's what this little pressie is for then, is it? So we can have...interesting phone conversations! You'd like that, would you? Shall I describe exactly what I'm doing? Like to hear my zipper going down like.this, would you?'

'Ummm.'

'How about the sound of rustling as I get my cock out like.this? Good? Shall I tell you how it feels? You've never really felt it, have you, Angel? You used to watch it though didn't you? I watched you, watching me. You know I did. I used to play with it for you: did you know that? Used to drive Dru wild, she thought I was doing it for her. But we knew different, didn't we Luv? Do you remember how the tip of your tongue would slip out between your lips as if you could catch these little drops on the end? Do you remember, Angelus? I would watch your tongue, tasting it with you. Are you playing with yourself now? Do you wish it were my hand, stroking you? Are you speeding up now, like me? Do you feel it coming.that, rush.that, ache.that, fuck, fuck.Angel.I'm gonna cum.come with me, Luv.oh.'

'Angel.you there?'

'Err, no. I think I'm there: with you!'

'Did you.?'

'Oh yes.'

'Huh! I'm good.'

'You're bad!'

'Oh, yeah. So.what you doing now, Pet?'

'Talking to you.'

'Funny.'

'Look, this is ridiculous, Spike. Why don't you just come back? Please. That was fun.but, damn it, Spike, I've got one hundred years of fantasies concerning you I want to act out. I'm not doing it over the phone!'

'Oh. A few more days. Maybe. It's weird, Angel, but I really do feel.more myself now. Hey! Giles even offered me some tea this evening.'

'Hum.well, will you use this.to phone me: lots. I'm pretty busy here, but I'd NEVER be too busy to talk to you. I mean it. Only.if I'm in the office, stick to just talking, okay.'

'Coward.'

'All right then, a few more days. But I really do miss you and like I said last night, I really do.want you.'

'So what are you doing now then.'

I think I should have sent the charger with the phone. At this rate he'll need to charge it after every call.

I came three times. Three times to the sound of his voice: husky; seductive; miles away through the cold, dark night.

I told him I missed him. I didn't tell him how much. It's not fair. If he feels he needs this 'space', then bringing him back here before he's ready would be disastrous.

I wonder sometimes, when and how he got to be so smart. Because I know he's right about all of this. There would have been no place for him here. What on earth was I thinking, wanting him to stay? He's not a lapdog, he's not a toy-boy, or, as he so aptly put it, a fuck-toy. He's a wild, free, independent-spirited demon. We'd have ended up killing each other.

So I have to give him the time to adapt and change. I had eighty years to learn to cope with a soul, I've only given him one day so far. But the phone was an inspired thought. I feel connected to him now. Whenever I want to talk to him, I can.

'Hi.'

'Hi, Mate. It's been.fifty minutes. Feeling neglected again?'

'What are you doing.and don't say, talking to me!'

'Okay, I'm going to bed.with a book.'

'You jest!'

'Duh!'

'Oh. So what are you going to buy? With the money?'

'A book?'

'Spike.be serious, I don't want you living in squalor.'

'Well, I might get a TV. And a fridge.'

'You have power?'

'Err.tapped into, yeah.'

'Huh! What else?'

'Dunno.what are you doing now?'

'I'm undressing.for bed.'

'Oh. What are you wearing in bed?'

'Just a smile!'

'Oh, Jesus, Angel! Corny.'

'Sorry, I try!'

'So.why don't you tell, me, this time.what you're doing.'

'I'm not very good at this, Spike.'

'Practice then!'

''Well, err.I'm lying on my stomach, and I'm.err.I can't do this, Spike. It's embarrassing!'

'Shall I help you out a bit.you're lying on your stomach cus you're very hard and you don't want me to see.remember? I was sitting in an armchair, watching Dru and Darla dancing. You were supposed to be watching them too.but you were watching me. And you got hard, so you turned over on your stomach and put your chin on your folded arms and stared at me. Remember?'

'Yes, you were naked too and your cock was huge, swollen. I remember. I couldn't take my eyes off it. I started rubbing myself on the bed and when I did, you smiled, even though you didn't seem to be looking at me. I was desperate to touch myself; I wanted to put my mouth on your cock to taste you. I ordered the women to come to bed, I knew you would come too.'

'But I didn't, did I?'

'No.you little git.you didn't! You stayed there and put on a show for me. And I watched you over their shoulders as I entered them. I watched you over their bellies as I sucked them. When I probed with my tongue, it was your slickness I was tasting.God, Will.I'm going to cum.I can picture your face, that bloody grin, like a devil in the candlelight. I'm coming in her, but it's not.it's you and you're so hot and tight and..uhh.Spike!'

'Fuck, Mate.I'm.you're in me.ahh!'

Right. I'm sending the charger tomorrow. For hours I have the tiny phone in my hand. I look at it: play with it. I can't believe his voice is only one press of a button away.

'You asleep yet?'

'Nah.'

'What you thinking about? Me?'

'Nah, Giles actually.'

'Err.why?'

'He said he had something to tell me.something shocking. He didn't finish. I was wondering what it was.'

'Maybe he's about to declare unrequited love. Now you are all.'

'Harmless?'

'I was going to say, irresistible.'

'Oh. You are joking about the Watcher though, aren't you, Angel.I mean.'

'Oh yeah.'

'Phew.'

'Still, he did offer you tea. Isn't that an Englishman's prelude to sex?'

'It's not funny, Angel. Anyway, he's human. I thought they only went one way.I mean what about the bitch he chucked me out for?'

'Maybe it's you. Maybe you've converted him. Maybe it was seeing you with the baby.he seemed very impressed by you when I spoke to him.'

'Stop fucking laughing, Mate. I thought he was going to tell me something about this sodding chip. He said it would be a shock. What else could it be.I thought he might have found a way to get it out.that's what I've been thinking about.'

'Oh. And what have you...thought?'

'Not sure yet, I keep getting interrupted by a horny, insatiable demon who keeps ringing me.'

'Oh.'

'Pillock.'

'What.I haven't said anything.'

'Yes you have. Remember, Angel, I know everything about you. I can hear it in your voice. Oh he won't love me anymore.oh he won't want me anymore. He'll despise me again.blah.blah.blah.'

'You love me?'

'Angel. My chip please! Concentrate! We're talking about my chip.removal of.'

'What do you want to do? Do you want to go back to being able to feed? Do you want to kill them all?'

'Well, Harris aside, that's what I've been puzzling over. Cus, no. I don't think I do. Weird hey?'

'No, not really, Spike. It happens. You've had time to get to know them.'

'Oh, God. My head hurts with all this.'

'Wish I was there.'

'Oh yeah? What would you do?'

'Oh, I think I'd take your head in my lap and rub your temples a bit?'

'Umm, nice.'

'Then I'd bend over you and.Spike? Spike?'

Oh.damn. He got cut off. I am so tempted just to get in the car and drive to Sunnydale. I could be there in two hours. I'm half off the bed before I realise the stupidity of it. What would we do? Besides have sex that is. We'd still be where we are now. Nothing solved. Nothing long-term. And we've come so far in only five days. Five days ago he wasn't even speaking to me. Now we're having phone sex. Every ten minutes. Until his batteries went dead that is.

I think living with Spike: having him long-term, is going to be...interesting. And I don't want to do anything to ruin my chance of that now. So, where is that charger? Must get it wrapped up securely.

Having had most of my beauty sleep disturbed by the randy demon from LA, I don't wake up till late afternoon. I finish off the blood I brought back from the Watcher's and get ready to head out for my shopping spree. I wonder how far one thousand dollars will go. I'd love a computer. Ideal for Vampires that can't go out during the day. Jesus, I could shop all day and surf porn: what a life! But if it's a toss up between that and a TV.hum.need a fridge too. Shit. It's fucking pathetic to have to need money. Unlife was so much easier in the old days - nothing worth having then! Now! Shit, it's a material world and I am just a material Vamp. People should just.give me stuff. This is so unfair.

'Oh bloody hell.what do you want? Don't you people ever knock. This is my home, Mate.'

'Suits you deadboy.it's dark, smells and.oh yeah.it's for dead people.'

'To what do I owe this displeasure, Harris?'

'Giles is calling a conference. It's important.'

'So?'

'So, you're invited.'

'Fuck off. Not interested.'

'Oh yes you are.I can see it! Come on, we need you.'

'Oh, why?'

'Well, it's that cardboard farm boy, he wants to tell us all something.'

'Huh, you don't like him either.'

'Can't stand him.'

'Oh.well.I need some food anyway. So I'll come for that. Then I'm going.'

'Yeah. Come on then. So?'

'So what?'

'So, how you been?'

'What's it to you?'

'Oh, I don't know. You seem.more like your old, evil self now.'

'Yeah? Thanks. Wait till I get this chip out though.then you'll see evil.'

'Why do you want to go all 'demony' again? I'd have thought being.human like this, was much better.'

'I'm not fucking human!'

'No, I know that, but you seem like you are.most of the time.'

'Eh?'

'Well.you talk, and laugh and stuff. I never saw soulboy laugh, ever.'

'Nah. He is a bit serious. Guess he's got a lot of demon stuff to regret.'

'There you are then. See! You're more human like.'

Hum.

'So where were you going?'

'To buy a TV.'

'Cool. What kind?'

'Well, I don't know. I thought, wide-screen, surround-sound, maybe digital.'

'Phew. Expensive.'

'Really?'

'Oh yeah. Maybe you could get second-hand.'

'You think?'

'Then you could get a DVD too.'

'Yeah. Want a computer as well.'

'Ask Willow. She'll know what to get, bytes and stuff.'

'Good idea.'

Okay, someone wake me up. Cus I am strolling through town with Xander Harris.just talking. Like a real person. Like I didn't want to skip with his entrails two days ago.

And it gets even weirder when we get to the Watcher's. It's just as I imagine a committee meeting must be like. Watcher at the head of the table. Slayer next to him and then cardboard man. Red's on the other side of the Watcher, Harris sits next to her, which leaves me...in the place of honour opposite the Watcher. Feel like taking fucking minutes or something. But it's nice to be included. Not that I'd admit that, to them.

God, I hate the soldier. He really gives me the creeps. I guess I must recognize him from my delightful, all-inclusive holiday with the Initiative. Guess he must have been one of the gits that captured me. Seems I know him better than that though. There is something familiar about his scent...up close like this...memories...hah...he doesn't like me staring at him either. Good. Gives me something to do then.

'I would just like to state for the record, that I don't like sharing a table with a Vampire. It's obscene.' Oh yeah, staring really getting to him.

'Shut up Riley. This is my house. If anyone is leaving it's you. Now what is this all about? Why the secrecy? What is the big secret?'

Oooh I love the Watcher when he is all Masterful! Farm boy don't though. Slayer's real funny, she's torn between the one and the other. And I'm thinking farm boy's losing his appeal. How could she have slept with Angel and then him? Defies belief. I wonder.

'Spike? Stop twiddling with that bloody ring and pay attention. Are you listening to this?'

'I'm riveted. Go on. Err.who was talking?' Was I playing with Angel's ring? Now that's just embarrassing. That is not Big Bad behaviour.

'I was saying, Hostile 17, that I believe I know what you were chipped for. What all the demons were chipped for. Well, those that weren't cut up for experimentation that is. God. Where to start? It appears that the chips are controllable.'

Oh, now I'm all ears.

'.there are remote control devices that were designed so the chips could be controlled and the hostiles with them in, could be.targeted.'

I think about three of us chorus, 'Targeted?'

'Well, yes. Think about it. A demon.a powerful fighting machine.that can't hurt its owner. Ever. Or anyone its owner doesn't want it to hurt.but a demon that's allowed to kill.encouraged to kill, anyone its master wants. It would be perfect. Think of the military applications!'

'From my experience as a Watcher, I must say this sounds highly dubious.'

'No wait Giles, from my military-man memories, I sort of remember something about giving the military stuff in their food that would alter their genetic code, so they would be recognized by other friendly military as.well, friendly.'

Jesus, Harris is weird sometimes. 'And that is relevant how?'

'Duh, Spike. It proves that when it comes to the Military, nothing is weird enough.'

'So what, they're creating a Demon army. Good luck to them. Long as no one wants me to enlist. I go with the Judy idea.condo.Yacht.' Blank faces. 'Fuck, does anyone actually watch TV these days?'

'I don't think they were being formed into an army. It would be too difficult to programme the chips to be able to recognize that many, do-not-kill people. No, I think they were being created for more, one-to-one jobs. Like body guards.'

'Well, I still don't get what this.' I wave my hand vaguely around the table.'conference is all about.'

'I think the point is very obvious, Spike. There are no chipped demons left in the Initiative now. You, however, were the only one who appears to have escaped. So, where are all the others now? And more to the point, who has them and what are they doing with them?'

Why is everyone looking at me?

'What?'

'Spike, we need someone who can infiltrate the Initiative, pass themselves off as a chipped demon, follow the supply route and lead us to the others.'

'Beats me, Mate. Who you got in mind then?'

'Look, Spike. It's perfect, Riley can 'recapture' you. It's the perfect opportunity. Then you get taken off, we follow you, we find out what's been happening to all the other demons. It's foolproof.'

'Err.foolproof. So you want me to go back to the place that cut my head open, tortured me, starved me. You want them to alter my chip so I can kill again. You want me to be sold into some sort of fucking, mercenary slavery. I may have to kill people again. Then you all come in like the Calvary.and rescue me. That's your foolproof plan is it?'

'Good isn't it?'

Lets just go over this one more time. Just so I've got it straight. I could be living in LA. I could be living the life of luxury, in LA. I could have everything paid for, every whim indulged, in LA. I could be fucked into the mattress every night by the most gorgeous body in LA, in LA. I could fuck the most gorgeous body in LA, in LA. Or I could go along with this.plan. Hum. Real hard decision here. But there is one little aspect of this otherwise soddingly awful plan that I do like. A remote control device hey? That turns the chip off when it's convenient? Oh, I think I might just get me one of those, and turn this chip off.permanently!

'Ok.'

'Err.is that it? You agree?'

'Well, yeah. Hey! What! It's for the good of humanity, and babies and shit.'

I'm pretty sure they are all unconvinced of my sincerity. I'm hurt!

`Yes, well. Right, Buffy, you and Riley make contact with the Initiative and tell them you have a lead on...Hostile 17. Spike, I'll fit this for you.' I don't believe it, he's holding up another fucking tracer.

`No way. THAT is one of those things you just took out of me. And it hurt. You are not shooting one of those back in.'

`Maybe we should treat it like a suppository.' There is something in Soldier-boy's eye I really didn't like when he said that. As if, behind the joke, there was an element of...longing, fuck, even...knowing. He is spooky.

`I think we can stitch it relatively painlessly just under the skin, perhaps under your arm. No one will find it, but we can track you. Come on, Spike. Be a man.'

So, yet again I end up in pain, covered in blood - well, all right, a slight dribble of blood - but it hurt! It's only the thought of getting one of those remote control devices that keeps me going. The Watcher does a pretty neat job; I'll give him that. As he crouches down, finishing stitching me up, I speak quietly to him.

`So, what was this important news you had to tell me. Better tell me now...dangerous mission on behalf of babies everywhere an' all that. Might not be coming back you know.'

`Yes, Spike, I've been thinking about that. And that's precisely why I'm not going to tell you, till you do come back. It would...distract you too much. It might actually end up getting you killed. And that would be a shame...now.' His face is inches from mine. His warm hands are brushing over my side, checking to see if he can detect any sign of the tracer he has put under the skin. Can Angel really be right? Does Giles actually want me?

`Err...Giles, you aren't going to...profess...err...undying love or anything are you...cus if...'

`Oh good Lord.' Wow! I didn't know someone that old could move that fast. He's across the room and behind the protection of his couch before I can finish my sentence.

`Spike! What an earth made you think that? I don't think of you in that way. Good Lord. I mean, I'm not...neither are you...are you...no, of course not...you're a Vampire...you go both...I mean...good Lord. No!'

`Well...okay. What then? Just fucking tell me.' Bloody glad I don't blush sometimes.

But if he was about to tell me, the moment is lost cus the Slayer and Stick-up-his-arse-Soldier-boy get back.

`We told them we'd rendezvous with a patrol and hand you over. Don't want them getting suspicious if Riley just brings you in on his own. Come on then, Spike.'

Oh God. I was on my way to buy a TV. What happened?

I want to phone Angel and tell him what's happening. But I can imagine what he would say. Firstly, no and secondly, you are NOT getting one of those devices. Angel ain't stupid. But...do I really want one anyway? Isn't it going to Bugger up all me plans? Oh, fucking hell, someone decide for me.

I have a feeling that another, spectacular kicking of my arse is about to occur.

*****