*****
*11: 25a.m*
It was the morning of Christmas Eve. Outside the Sunnydale Cemetery, masses of people were trailing up and down the vibrantly-decorated streets, juggling last minute gifts and hurrying home to sort out their lavish dinner plans. Everyone had a smile for each other, and echoes of "Merry Christmas!" could be heard for miles around.
Inside the Sunnydale Cemetery, a certain thoroughly pissed off vampire covered his ears in annoyance. "Bloody hell," He muttered. "When a blokes just trying to get a little bit of sleep-" A new wave of cheers and laughter floated into his crypt and interrupted his thoughts. He growled and shifted on his side, trying to get more comfortable. After what seemed like eons, the joyous roars of the outside world finally died down, and Spike sighed with contentment. His eyelids drooped as he entered a state of delicious haziness once more. "Mmmmm."He ! breathed. "If I hear so much as a giggle from those Yuletide buggers again-"
*SLAM*
"Spike!"
I'll kill them all.
Xander rushed up, perspiring and red-faced. "Merry Christmas. Get off your ass and let's go." He hurriedly gestured to the door.
Spike's blood started a steady brew to boiling point. "I'm not going anywhere, you flamin' arse! And what makes you think you can just ponce in here and give me orders?"
"I'm sorry," Xander rolled his eyes, trying to hold his patience. "I need help with Christmas stuff back at the house." He swallowed. "Like right now. I'll pay you."
Spike's eyes narrowed. "For your information, I have not had a decent morning of sleep since the first of December. How could I with all you ruddy humans wailing "Joy To The World" all the time like a right bunch of banshees?"
"Life can be cruel, Spike."
"You bet your bollocks it's cruel. Now get the hell out of my crypt."
"If that chip affecting your hearing, Deadboy? YOU are coming over to Buffy's to help ME get things ready."
"You're asking an enemy for help."
"All my friends are busy." Xander replied cheerfully.
Spike looked longingly at a stray axe just lying on the floor.
"Try it blondie, and you lose your legs."
=====================
*12:00pm*
"Abso-fucking-lutely not."
"Spike-"
"NO. I'm leaving."
"You can't just leave me here!" Xander yelped, trying unsuccessfully to get Spike into a frilly pink apron that said "Pop My Cherry."
"Watch me." Spike sneered as he dodged out of the way.
"Spike just look around the goddamn room!!" Xander yelled, completely losing his patience.
Spike let his eyes travel over the slum that used to be house. Smoke streaming out of the oven, oh dear that can't be good, he mused, broken Christmas tree lights all over the floor, eggnog dripping over the table, and the tree.oh my and the tree.
"The tree rather looks like the leaning tower of Pisa, wouldn't you say?"
Xander glowered at him.
"Oh all right, all right, keep your hair on." Spike scowled, yanking the neon pink apron from Xander ad striding over to the far end of the kitchen. "You tell anyone about this and I'll have you for breakfast."
"I'm not going to tell anyone."
"Say, you dropped like four eggs under this table."
All Spike heard was a muffled sob.
==============
*2:24 p.m*
"So, what about this bird, then?"
They'd cleared up most of the mess from in the kitchen, and Xander had to admit that despite Spike's constant complaining (This is going to do horrors to my nails!) and snarky comments (I don't know why your friends left you in charge, a toddler could do better) he had been an indispensable help, and with the mopping up finished, they were now staring down at a rubbery, uncooked turkey.
Xander scratched his head. "I'll just put it in the oven, I guess."
"What, just like that?" Spike looked insulted. "You can't just dump it in there like that! It's an insult to turkeys everywhere."
"YOU work something out then, Boy-Ar-Dee." Xander snapped as Spike swelled like a balloon.
"Fine." He flexed his fingers. "Let an expert show you how it's done. I'll need some brandy, sausages, leeks, mash potatoes, onions and garlic for the stuffing. Do you have any horseradish?"
"How-how do you." Xander stuttered, amazed.
"When two hundred years old you are-"
"Shut up, Spike."
But he couldn't suppress a smile.
=====================
*4:30 p.m*
"I have to say." Xander murmured.
"Mmmmm."
They both inhaled deeply, savouring the mouth-watering scent of the now roasting turkey.
"I have to give credit where credit is due." The boy breathed.
"Mmmhmmm." Spike hummed, as if in a trance.
His eyes snapped open.
"Oh for God's sake, Xander."
======================
*5:02 p.m*
"Mmphander?"
"What now?"
'Thif ifn't goin' to work, you pillock." Spike called out testily from behind the Christmas tree, desperately trying to support its not inconsiderable weight.
"It's still not straight!"
"Well, neither are you, I'd wager." Spike muttered to himself.
"What was that?"
"I said, I agree."
The silence echoed away into the afternoon.
"More to the left. " Xander finally said.
Spike sighed and lifted.
====================
*6: 16 p.m*
"You idiotic, brainless, one-celled pathetic excuse for a human being!"
"Oh, come on, Spike." Xander cautioned Spike to stay back. "Anyone could've made the same mistake. Inexperience, that's all."
"Inexperience? Try retardation!" Spike thundered. "What kind of idiot cuts down a tree like THAT!" He pointed an accusing finger at the tree which had now been abandoned to flop against the wall. Xander laughed nervously. Apparently upon further inspection, Spike had discovered that even though the base of its trunk was broad and sturdy, as it travelled upwards it gradually got thinner and ridiculously bendy, and had proceeded to very nearly foam at the mouth.
"I mean what the hell is this, you trollop!" He continued to bark. "The poor thing is sick! So don't blame ME for your lopsided tree! More to the left, a little to the right! Oh, never mind, everything's fine, it just has a fucking cone-shaped trunk! Idiot." Spike stalked off.
"Don't you think we should at least try to decorate it?" Xander ventured meekly.
"GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!" Spike shrieked.
"Alright, alright." Xander retreated to the kitchen and started dumping dirty dishes into the basin. "Hysterical old queen." He mumbled.
"WHAT WAS THAT?"
"I said I'm sorry!"
"Yeah, you're sorry alright. You're real sorry." Spike muttered.
========================
*7:14 p.m*
"Right then. Everything's done. The eggnog's in the fridge, the lights are done, the table's all laid out, the tree is.up." Spike said as he eyed it sliding steadily down the wall. "Now give me my money. I'm off."
"You can take off the apron now." Xander smirked.
Spike smirked right back at him. "You can have your girlfriend's precious lace back as soon as you cross my palm with my money."
"Anya's not my girlfriend." Xander said seriously. "Hold on a sec." He disappeared into the next room to get his wallet just in time for the front door to swing open, revealing the Slayer with family and friends, who greeted the horrified vampire with open-mouthed stares.
"Hey, that's my Prada apron!" Anya cried shrilly.
Spike reddened as he hurriedly shrugged off the ridiculous item of clothing and threw it at the vengeance demon, who clutched it to her bosom like a lost treasure. Xander came back into the room, breaking out into a lopsided grin when he realised what must've happened.
"You little shit." Spike seethed.
"I think it made you look fetching." Giles contributed helpfully.
"Pink is definitely your colour." Buffy nodded vigorously.
"Just hand me what's mine." Spike ground out, snatching the green bills from Xander's grasp and traipsing off into the night. He'd been storming away for less than five minutes when he heard that all too familiar voice whining out his name yet again.
"Hey Spike!"
What." Spike said sullenly, not stopping his brisk stride.
"Geez, will you slow down. I just wanted to thank you? For your help. You wanna come eat with us or something?" Was it just him or did the whelp sound a tad hopeful?
"No." Spike slowed down. "Thank you." He added reluctantly.
"Oh. That's alright."
There was that echoing silence again.
"So." Xander ran a hand through his hair. "Not that bad, was it? The whole experience."
"No." Spike replied slowly. "I guess not, all things considered." He paused. "The scoobies aren't going to be chuffed when they see that tree."
Xander laughed. "Couldn't be any worse than your reaction."
Spike gave him his trademark feral grin. "Yeah well, you screwed that one up royally, pet."
"Sure you don't wanna come eat with us? No one would mind, you know. Buffy told me to ask you." He pressed.
"No. I'll be off home now." Spike shrugged. "This isn't my scene." This time Xander was the one wondering whether it was just him or did Spike sound just a bit rueful?
"Ok." Xander's voice trailed off. "Well, you know." He shuffled his feet uneasily.
"Yeah." Spike replied, suddenly very uncomfortable.
"Merry Christmas." Xander blurted.
"Oh bollocks. You too."
After a couple of seconds of dancing around each other, they finally shook hands awkwardly, before going their separate ways.
Spike suddenly had the urge to turn around and shout after the boy to wait, he'd changed his mind.
But he would never, of course. It was unbecoming for a vampire.
Besides, it wasn't his scene.
Spike quietly walked past the festive row of houses that lined the long, hushed street leading back to the cemetery, and tried not to look into any windows.
End.