*****

I never thought that I would lose my mind
That I could control this
Never thought that I'd be left behind
That I was stronger than you.

He was always so full of life. He positively glowed with health. I cursed him for it every time I got sick or broke a bone, bitched at him while he tended to me, scowled as he tried to ease my suffering. He always gave, never took.

He'd been ill six months that December, the doctors couldn't do anything, they were amazed he was still alive and every day told me to prepare myself for the worst. But the worst never came, he still lived, still breathed, still clung to life with both hands, and all for me. He told me every day he wouldn't leave till I was ready to let him go, and every day I answered the same selfish thing, that he may as well get better because I'd never be ready to lose him. He just smiled at me and said, without words, that that'd never happen. I knew that deep inside the pain of leaving me was killing him faster than the cancer, but he never showed it, hid it behind that calm, ironic, detached fa�ade he'd built for himself. But that never washed with me, I could always see his real feelings in his eyes, and he knew it. I screamed and ranted and raved 'til I was blue in the face to get him to open up, to care about himself instead of other people for a change. I sobbed and prayed and pleaded for him to stay with me. I b

And I would bring down the moon and the sun
To show how much I care
Don't wanna lose you now
Baby, I know we can win this
Don't wanna lose you now
No no, or ever again.

'Remember when we were younger?'

'Shh baby you shouldn't talk so much.'

'When we were younger. we always felt so. invincible, like nothing could.'

'Touch us so long as we had each other, I remember.'

'Yeah. that was nice wasn't it? I always felt like. so long as I woke up next to you. there was a reason to wake up.'

'I know what you mean, your smile gets me up in the morning and your laugh, it gets me through the day.'

'Don't say that. 'cause one day. one day soon. I'm gonna be gone. and you're gonna have to find a new reason to get outta bed.'

'I'll never find another reason, you're the only part of my screwed life that's worth living for, you're the only reason I've gotten this far.'

'No, you have to go on living without me.'

'But I can't! Don't you see that?'

'It's not a request. it's an order. you will go on living without me. you're gonna live a long, full, happy life, 'cause the future's just around the corner, and frankly, the outlook's bleak.'

'Stop worrying about me damnit! You're the one lying in the hospital bed! Worry about yourself for a change!'

'Let me just worry about you one last time eh? For old times sake? I want you to be happy. you've gotta be happy. please.'

'It's just. hard. nine years ago I didn't even know your name and today, I can't imagine a day without you.'

I've got this feeling you're not gonna stay
It's burning within me
The fear of losing
Of slipping away
It just keeps getting closer, baby
Whatever reason to leave that I've had
My place was always beside you.

'Lie with me? I wanna feel you near.'

'OK baby.'

'I love you.'

'I love you too.'

'You've gotta promise me you'll live on without me.'

'I don't think I can baby, I forgotten how to.'

'You have to. don't you see? I've only ever done one thing right in my life. and that's love you. If you die. my whole life was pointless. and I can't die like that. I need to have left my mark on the world.'

'I'll try baby, I swear.'

'I suppose that'll have to do. goodbye baby. thank-you.'

'What? Oh god, no please, God don't, don't you dare leave me, please!'

'I love you.'

'NO! You're NOT leaving me.'

'Please. I'm so tired. I just wanna. I'm sorry. Promise me you'll never forget me?'

'I won't, I couldn't, oh God, please!'

'I love you Xander.'

'God no, please, Oz, I love you too.'

I never thought that I could lose my mind
That I could control this
Never thought that I'd be left behind
That I was stronger than you.

***

All I could do was lie there next to him, hold him, cry for him and remember him, as the man I love, died.

~end~