*****

"Oz?" I called as I stepped into his studio apartment in New York. It was nearing dusk out side and all the lights inside were off. "Oz?" I called again, louder.

I stood there in the middle of the room for a moment, my mind blank. There was a flicker of light behind me and I turned around. Walking through the door, Oz just blinked when he saw me. "Dev?"

"I used my key," I said.

"I figured that," he said slowly as he closed the door behind him. Stepping closer to me, he just let his eyes roam over my body. I could feel him studying me, my ragged beard, my rumpled clothes. "Devon?"

"Xander's dead."

He sighed, a deep, long, emotional sigh that summed up everything that I had been feeling. Just when I thought he was just going to stand there, he moved. He moved so quickly that I didn't know he had moved until his arms were wrapped around me.

We glided down to the floor together rather than fell. I ended up being cradled by Oz. His lips were pressed against my temple as he gently rocked me back and forth. I felt like this was too much, but I didn't have the strength to move away from his embrace.

"Why are you here?" he asked softly.

It took me a full minute to understand the question and even when I did, I didn't really know why he was asking. "He's still in L.A. They're waiting for me to tell them what to do."

"I thought you two decided on burial."

"He decided," I barked harshly, still pissed off that he had accepted that he was going to die so quickly. The rocking only intensified. "I can't call all his friends, Oz. I can't hold a press conference. I don't want to say it that many times."

"If you say it a lot, you might have to accept it as fact?" He knew me well. Not as well as Xander though.

"I miss him already."

"I know," Oz whispered.

"He's the only one I've ever loved."

"I know."

"I can't live without him. I don't want to live without him."

"But you will," he said.

I shook my head as I felt the tears form in my eyes. I'd finally managed to stop crying a few hours ago and now the tears were starting again. "Why did he have to get sick, Oz? Why didn't the doctors know what was wrong?"

"I don't know, Dev."

"I can't call everyone and tell them. I can't make the arrangements."

Oz's arms tightened around me. "I'll call everyone, but I'm not sure that I can make the arrangements for you. You knew him best. You know what he'd want."

Nodding, I said, "Yeah." I sat up and wiped my eyes, realizing that as a man, I should be strong. Another part of me realized that it was a bullshit concept. "I want to get him one of those nice, shiny cherry wood caskets."

Oz was just looking at me, probably evaluating my mental status. "There's a graveyard by our beach house that overlooks the water, that's where he bought a plot." I stood up and looked down at him. "Will you hold the press conference? I don't think I can."

"Of course," Oz said instantly. "I'll call Susan and Jacob to set it up."

"Tell them not to make it a big media event. I don't want them to make it into this thing where the band profits from it."

"Of course not." Standing up, Oz placed his hand on my stomach then reached up with his other, letting it run thought my messy, not to mention, oily hair. "Do you have a list for me to call?"

"You know all of his friends and my friends." Taking in a deep breath, I stepped back and headed for the phone. "But I should make the arrangements first."

"Yeah," he whispered. "I'll make some coffee."

As I sat down on the couch, I watched as he disappeared into the kitchen. Sighing deeply, I picked up the phone and pulled out my wallet. I took out a few business cards and felt my eyes water. Finally, my fingers pushed the buttons, dialing the funeral home that Xander had decided to use. A man answered the phone and I said, "Yeah, this is Devon Lautrec."

"Wow. Devon from that band?"

Must be a young guy. "Yeah, Devon from Dingoes Ate My Baby," I said dully. "My husband died. I called early this morning and left a message." The rest of the conversation went by almost like I was on automatic mode. After the call was finished, I made two more. By the end of them, the tears were flowing again. I could still hear Oz knocking around in the kitchen and I could have gone in there for comfort, but I chose to stand up. Moving to a corner, I sank down, weeping.

I didn't know how much time had passed, but suddenly, Oz was crouching next to me, his hands on my arm. "Dev?"

"God, he's really dead," I sobbed. Even as Oz held me and gently rocked me again, I could feel myself slipping into one of what Xander called my silent periods. I missed him so much and all I wanted to do was die.

~end~