*****

Xander walked up the street towards Buffy's house. He was bored and out for a walk. In Sunnydale. At night. He should have known that something 'unusual' was going to happen. He thought he was prepared, a stake in his back pocket, a dagger in his boot. He wasn't prepared for what he was about to hear and see. As he drew closer to 1630 Revello Drive, he heard low singing from above him. 'Great,' he thought. 'The Bleached Wonder, just what I needed.'

[Met a girl, thought she was grand
fell in love, found out first hand
went well for a week or two
then it all came unglued]

They, Xander, Buffy and Dawn, had found out that while Spike was away, he had gone to Africa and regained his soul. 'What's he doing? Trying to serenade Buffy?' Xander didn't say anything, just looked up into the tree Spike was sitting in, singing. Singing too softly to be heard inside the house. 'Huh?' He looked from the tree to the house and back again.

[in a trapp trip I can't grip
never thought I'd be the one who'd slip
then I started to realize
I was living one big lie]

Spike had his head down, eyes closed. Lost in his own misery. He didn't even sense Xander's approach. If he had, he wouldn't have continued singing. Soul and chip or not, he was still a vampire.

[She fucking hates me
trust
she fucking hates me
la la la love
I tried too hard
and she tore my feelings like I had none
and ripped them away]

The anguish in Spike's voice went straight to Xander's heart. He knew that pain. It was how he felt when Cordelia left him. When Anya left him. Sure, he knew that Cordelia left because he cheated on her and Anya left because of the wedding that didn't happen. It still hurt when they were completely out of his life. When Cordy and Anya left him, they ripped him apart. 'A little super-glue and some duct tape and I'm good as new. used,' he thought. 'Gods, is that what Buffy did to him? Is that why he left? Why he got himself a soul?'

[She was queen for about an hour
after that shit got sour
she took all I ever had
no sign of guilt
no feeling of bad, no]

Spike was sorrow personified. Xander couldn't help but want to pull the blonde into his arms and comfort him. Tears started to flow from their eyes.

[In a trapped trip I can't grip
never thought I'd be the one who'd slip
then I started to realize
I was living one big lie]

Still singing, Spike started down the tree. He angrily wiped his eyes as he descended.

[She fucking hates me
trust
she fucking hates me
la la la love
I tried too hard
and she tore my feelings like I had none
and ripped them away]

When he got to the ground, he finally saw Xander, watching him, tears still present in his eyes. He just shook his head and continued.

[That's my story, as you see
learned my lesson and so did she
now it's over and I'm glad
'cause I'm a fool for all I've said]

Xander reached out and touched Spike's cheek. Closing his eyes again, he leaned into the warm hand that was gently caressing his face. Quietly he sang.

[She fucking hates me
trust
she fucking hates me
la la la love
I tried too hard
and she tore my feelings like I had none
and ripped them away]

"Spike."

"Don't worry, pet. Didn't touch her. Won't touch her again." He started to turn to leave. "Just hurts to know that she hates me now. Now more than ever." He took a few steps away from Xander and stopped. "Do you hate me, Xan?"

Fear and need was heavy in Spike's voice. "No, Spike. I don't hate you."

"I. I'm sorry about Anya. Never should have." The words caught in his throat. "Never meant to." He finally turned to Xander. "Nearly wished you dead." He turned and ran. Xander heard him repeat as he ran, "Sorry. 'M so sorry."

"Shit. Spike!" Xander started to run after the vampire. He knew where he was headed. Whenever Spike wanted to think, lately, he went to one specific cemetery. Tara had been buried right next to Joyce. Spike liked to sit between the two graves and talk to the women lying below.

[la la la la la la la la la love
Trust
la la la la la la la la la love
Trust
and she tore my feelings like I had none
she fucking hates me]

"Ladies, please. Help me," Spike whispered. "Neither of you hated me. Everyone else does."

"I don't hate you, Spike," Xander said as he kneeled down next to Spike. "Hate what you did. I can't speak for anyone else, but I don't hate you." He looked from one headstone to the other, then to Spike. "Do you want to know why I couldn't marry Anya?" The blonde nodded, anything to avoid his own pain. "She wasn't you."

"What are you talking about?"

Xander kissed Spike gently on the lips. "The first time we met, I was given to you. I know it was an act Angel put on to try and stop you, but he GAVE me to you."

"Xander." Spike didn't know what to say.

"Spike? I know you still love her."

Spike shook his head. "No, I don't. I mean, I don't want her dead, but 'm not in love with her anymore." He pulled out a cigarette and lit it. "She hurt me too much for me to still love her." He looked back at the graves. "Why did these two have to die?"

"I don't know. Maybe they were too pure for this world."

Spike sniffled, tears coming to the fore. "Will I ever find love, Xan? Even as a human I couldn't find love. Is it just me?"

"I don't know, Spike. I had people love me and threw it away because I didn't love them. You love people, demons, whatever, and they throw you away because they don't love you." He reached over and wiped the tears away. "I think our roles are reversed now. I love someone who doesn't love me and you don't love someone who does love you." Xander sighed, "But, if we can be friends. look out for each other. we might be alright."

"You. you l-love me?" Spike stared at the young man. Xander

nodded. "Then, don't jump to conclusions. 'M a right mess at the moment. Can't quite get me head wrapped around the soul. So many emotions swimming 'round in there," he said, tapping the side of his head. "When I look at you, m'chest gets tight. Just want to crawl into your arms and feel safe."

Xander opened his arms and wrapped them around Spike. "Any time you want. Of course, in the middle of the night, in a cemetery, in Sunnydale probably isn't the best time and place. Come on, let's go back to my apartment."

They stood, said goodnight to their late friends and headed to Xander's. "Don't know that I love you, pet. I just."

"Shh, Spike. It's OK." He sighed and put his arm around the slightly shorter man's shoulder, "We're friends. That's enough, for now."

*****
Part 2:

"Eventually"

Xander had run into Anya at the Bronze. As usual, she was trying to talk some poor, scorned woman into making a wish against her ex. Normally, whenever they bumped into each other she would start in about how he left her at the altar and how it wasn't fair that she couldn't rain vengeance down on him. But Spike was with Xander this time. When Anya started in, Spike just growled at her, "We just want to play a soddin' game of pool! Back off or I'll take your bloody power center!"

"Oh, like I'd let you anywhere near my power center." She was answered with another growl.

"Guys, stop," Xander cut in. "Spike, would you get some beers?" he asked, handing him some money. "Anya, look, we both know I was wrong to leave you at the altar and that I should have told you before that I couldn't marry you. That's in the past and there's nothing that can be done about it."

[I am an opportunity and I knock so softly
Sometimes I get loud when I wish everybody'd just get off
me
So many players you'd think I was a ball game
Its every man for themself, there are no team mates
This life gets lonely when everybody wants something]

"I know you're a vengeance demon again and I can't change that. I'm not trying to stop you from doing what you do, so, please, let me live my life." He paused and looked at the sad expression on her face. "I had hoped we could remain friends. You don't seem to want that, so, please, move on. You can do your job from anywhere. My life is here." He turned and walked over to where Spike was standing. Xander took a drink of his beer and whispered to Spike, "Just tell me when she leaves."

[This might have been your fate
But they'll get their's eventually
And I hope I'm there]

Anya gathered her belongings from the table and walked out of the Bronze. "She's gone, Pet." At those words, Xander let his head fall to Spike's shoulder and his tears flowed. Silent sobs racked through his body. Instinctively, Spike wrapped his arms around the human's body in a comforting gesture. "Shh, Xan. It's OK." He steered them to one of the sofas, where they both collapsed.

[Surrounded by familiar faces without names
None of them know me or want to share my pain
And they only wish to bask in my light, then fade away
To win my love, to them a game
To watch me live my life in pain
When all is done and the glitter fades, fades away
They'll get theirs eventually
And I hope I'm there]

Xander's sobbing slowed. "It just hurts, Spike." He sniffed and wiped his eyes. "I hurt her and drove her back into her old life as a vengeance demon. It hurts to know that as much as I did love her, it wasn't enough to make it true. It hurts to think about all the poor bastards out there that will have God knows what done to them because of me." The tears started to flow again.

[I drank your poison cuz you told me its wine
Shame on you if you fool once
Shame on me if you fool me twice
I didn't know the price
You'll get yours eventually]

Spike pulled him closer and kissed him lightly on the forehead. "It's not your fault, Xan. Even if you had loved her with all your heart and soul, it wouldn't have been enough for her. One day she might have gotten angry at you for leaving your socks on the floor again, or worse, she would have gotten pregnant, all those hormones, she would have snapped. At least this way, you got to keep your bits and pieces together." Xander smiled at that.

[So what good am I to you if I can't be broken?
You'll get yours, yes you'll get yours
Eventually]

"God, Luv, I could look at that smile for eternity." Spike was thankful that he couldn't blush the way Xander was blushing at that moment. He swallowed and cleared his throat. "So, you ready for that game now?"

Xander shook his head, leaned up and kissed Spike gently on the lips. The vampire moaned quietly into the human's mouth. Xander's tongue darted out briefly to swiftly lick the cool lips, then pulled away. "Mmm, now I'm ready to play pool."

Spike sat still for a moment out of shock from the kiss. He looked from Xander to the erection straining inside his own jeans, "That wasn't bloody fair, Xan." He smirked at the younger man, "You're gonna pay for that, mate."

The man and vampire played a few games of pool, well into the night. Drinking several beers, pausing a few times for a quick kiss. They didn't mind the whistles, catcalls and rounds of applause they received whenever they kissed. They finally decided to leave the Bronze and go back to Xander's apartment. Stumbling in, kissing and touching, Spike backed away from Xander. "What? What's wrong, Spike?"

Spike slumped on the couch, "I want this, Xander. I really do."

"But."

"But, I need to be sure it's right." Xander was confused. Before he could speak, the blonde continued, "Done too many things in me life and unlife without using me head. Jumpin' in head first without checkin' to see if there's any water in the pool. Sometimes it worked out well, but most times."

"You got your ass seriously kicked," Xander finished for him. He just nodded. "Hey, I understand that. I mean, look at the people I've dated. Insect, mummy, cheerleader, ex-demon," he laughed. "I'm about to date a vampire with a soul. I can see where thinking would be good. Of course, I've been thinking about it for the past few years, so I've got a bit of a head start."

Spike looked at the man that was now crouched in front of him, holding his hands. "Just give me a few days, another beer and that smile again and I think we'll be fine." Xander flashed his boyish smile, got up and retrieved a couple of beers and when he sat down next to the vampire, he kissed him with firm but gentle pressure.

When Spike opened his eyes after the kiss, he looked at Xander questioningly. The brunette just shrugged, "Needed something to hold me over while you thought." They both smiled, and sat back to watch television and just enjoy each other's company.

*****
TBC.