*****

Xander set the last candle in place and stepped back to survey the room. It was perfect. His living room was illuminated with the gentle glow from numerous candles, the soft scent of vanilla filling the area as they burned. Cocking his head to one side he listened for a moment to the soft strains of music coming from his stereo before he slowly began to strip off his clothing. He started with his shirt first, unhurriedly slipping the buttons from their holes, teasing himself with gentle strokes across his skin as it was revealed.

His breath hitched as he let his fingers graze across his sensitive nipples, making them peak into hard points before once more moving on with his task. When he was finished he allowed the shirt to pool at his feet on the floor before lazily toeing off his shoes. Unconsciously his body began to sway to the rhythm of the song as stroked his chest and arms, raising goose bumps on his flesh. His cock twitched in his pants at this stimulation and a small smile graced his face.

His hands slipped down to his stomach, lingering on his navel before dropping down to the waistband of his pants. He allowed a stroke or two of his growing erection through the fabric before forcefully moving to the button and releasing it. As his hand moved to the zipper a moan escaped his lips as his hands once more brushed across his trapped cock.

Once undone he slowly removed his pants and the boxers beneath until he was naked. His body glistened in the candlelight, a light sweat already showing on his skin as he stood there, trying to regain control after teasing himself.

Moving to the couch he sat down and gazed at the coffee table where a picture frame stood, surrounded by candles. The face in the picture was thrown into sharp detail by the light and Xander allowed another moan to escape as the image burned itself once again into his brain.

Reaching over to the side table he grabbed a few items and set them next to him on the sofa. His fingers brushed along the head of his erection before lightly dancing down the shaft to its base where they slowly twirled around his heavy sack. His breath coming a little quicker now he picked up one of the items he held and deftly placed it around the base of his cock. The metal from the cockring glinted in the light and Xander was momentarily spell bound by it. Biting his lower lip he reached over once again and opened the tube he found. Placing a small amount of the lubricant in his hand he warmed it up before wrapping his hand around his cock and beginning to stroke.

His eyes locked to the picture before him, soft groans and whimpers the only other sound besides the soft music. He kept his strokes slow and light, teasing himself with the minimal friction. When his eyes began to close unwillingly he would pull hard on his shaft, snapping his attention to the photograph. Images and thoughts whirled through his head, the face bringing forth memories and sensations. For over two hours he fantasized about the image, teasing himself half mad. His cock ached and throbbed, growing an ugly purple with lack of release and still he continued on, not pausing or resting, simply changing hands when once would become tired.

His hips thrusting off the couch, his back arching he stripped his cock, his strokes coming harder and faster as his excitement grew. He was trembling, sweat pouring off his body and pooling around him, moans and pleas falling from his lips and through it all his gaze remained fixed on the picture.

Finally, he allowed himself release. Reaching down with his free hand he quickly removed the cockring and pulled hard and fast on his cock, screaming out loud as his body seized up in mind numbing bliss, his seed arching thru the air to land on his straining body. His body trembled as the last of himself poured out, after shocks not allowing him to remain still. For a half hour he wallowed in the afterglow, his body sated, until he managed to gather the strength to clean up.

Grabbing a ready towel he first cleaned himself up before starting on the room. As his tired body put everything away he reflected on the face in the picture, on the obsession that was his deepest secret. Every second Tuesday of the month he allowed himself this fantasy, this one moment in time where he was truly happy and his secret was a secret no more. This was his time, when Anya was out playing bridge with a few demon friends of hers, when he wasn't too tired from work and when he usually wasn't needed for patrolling or research sessions. His time. His time to acknowledge the hunger that burned deep inside. When he allowed himself to be whom he really was, who he could be. To be free.

Glancing around Xander realized there was only one thing left, the picture. Walking over to it he picked it up, his fingers lovingly grazing the glass that covered the face of his one true love, his reason for being. Going into the bedroom he removed the loose floorboard next to the bedside table and with a last brief look placed it inside, saying goodbye for a short time to his soul.

As the panel fell back in place and he once again became the Xander everyone knew, he allowed the name of his love to grace his lips.

Giles.

*****
Part 2:

Xander bounced into his living room, humming contentedly as he closed the door behind him. Today was his day. The second Tuesday of the month and he couldn't wait until he could say goodbye to Anya so he could get ready. He had been picturing these upcoming moments all day, fantasizing about the pleasure to come. How it would feel to gaze into the eyes of his love, even if it was through glass. How free he would let himself be, how lost he would allow himself to become in the heat of the moment.

Lost in his thoughts he did not notice the quiet of the house right away until someone cleared their throat. Whirling around his eyes focused on the couch on which perched a very upset looking Anya, clasping in her hands a large object.

"Anya? Baby, what's wrong?" At his question, the ex-demon promptly burst into tears before raising her hand and showing the object she held in her hand. It was the picture, his picture, of Giles. Xander's face paled and his heart began to thump in his chest. He knew it was a mistake. He knew it the moment he opened the panel that morning before Anya had left. But he had woken up in such a good mood and he had wanted one look at his beloved's face before starting his day.

"Wh...where did you get that?" He stuttered, already knowing the answer but needing to hear it anyway.

"I..I...I saw y-you this morning. P-putting it away. I was cur-curious. So I looked. Oh God, Xander why?" Her anguished question reached his ears and for one moment Xander wanted to reach out, grasp her to his chest and whisper soft words of comfort and love in her ear, but he couldn't. Not any more. He had lost that right. He knew that from the second he had seen the picture in her hands. But Xander, if nothing else, was not a quitter. He held on by the skin of his teeth until the last possible second and it was that part of him that spoke now.

"Anya, I can explain. You see, I just wanted to keep it safe, ya know...It's a very special pic..." His babble trailed off only half formed as he saw her hold up the other items. Things which he kept with the picture. The cockring and lube for which he could never supply a reasonable explanation for. After all, they had those same items in a small box they kept in their closet. Seeing his world fall apart, seeing the end shining over the horizon, Xander attempted one last time to salvage something that could never be saved. "Baby, please let me..." He was cut off again, this time by Anya's voice.

"Don't. Ju-just don't. I know, Xander, I know." With that, Anya gathered herself together, rubbing the tears from her face before standing and walking towards him. Unwillingly his body flinched and a flash of pain went through the former demons eyes before she passed him by. Leaning over she picked up two bags, which he only now noticed, that had been sitting by the door. She turned to face him again.

"I don't understand Xander. I don't want to understand. How could you?" Before Xander could even open his mouth to attempt a reply she continued. "I'm leaving. I won't be coming back. Ever. I've seen this before. I cannot...will not live thru it. Goodbye Xander." With that she reached for the door and was halfway into the hall before she was stopped.

"Anya! Wait! What are you going to do? Where are you going to go?" Xander asked. After all he did love Anya, just not in the way she deserved. Not in the way he had been pretending too, and he was concerned for her, his mind curiously detached as her waited for her reply, as if this was something that was happening to someone else. A television show or play that you watched and got involved in but were never a part of.

"I don't know but I do know one thing. You have three days, Xander. Three days. By Saturday he should know. You tell him or I will. But.....he will know." A flash of betrayal and hate scattered across her face then and she turned and walked away. She didn't stop when she heard the wail, she didn't stop when she heard the crying and pleading, but continued on, her head held high even as her heart shattered. She walked down the stairs until she couldn't hear Xander anymore and only then did she break down, pouring her despair and hurt into the cold and unforgiving wall of the stairway.

*****
Part 3:

Xander knelt on the floor of his apartment, his soft wails and whimpers having faded into random noises as the light in the apartment began to fade as night approached. The door was still open from when Anya had left but he didn't notice. He could only look at the picture, laying face down, not allowing Xander even the small comfort of that image. His body rocked in a childish motion, trying to soothe the turmoil of his mind. Around and around his thoughts spun, fighting for dominance. What now? Anya was gone, gone for good. And Giles oh god Giles. She was going to tell him and he would *know* and now Xander would loose him forever. That thought leaped around his brain, causing stark terror and unimaginable pain to sweep through him and suddenly he was sick. His stomach roiled and in a sudden movement he leaped up and ran to the bathroom, barely making it before his lunch rid itself of his body.

He crouched over the cold porcelain of the toilet, his body trembling from pain and sobs, as he lost himself in his despair. Over and over again he heaved, until nothing was left, but his body would not let him go so easily. It clung to the pain until finally exhausted he slumped to floor, the tile pressing into his face and soothing his hot and sweaty skin.

Eyes open and vacant, if anyone were to see him now they would think him dead for in Xander�s mind he was dead. Everything gone, lost, never to be had again. With these thoughts running through his mind his body finally gave up and allowed him to slip into oblivion.

*****

When Xander next woke he realized he was lying in the bathroom and for a few precious moments he remembered nothing. Until it all came crashing back on him. The picture, Anya, the bags, the tears.....the admission. With this final memory he sprang up from the floor, grasping at the sink as his tired body fought off the dizziness of his sudden movement. Regaining his balance he ran into the living room, his breath hitching as he spotted the familiar frame. Walking over to it, he picked it up and turned it over and there it was. The image of his beloved. The planes of that face long memorized and now he would only ever have the memory. The eyes that had looked on him with both exasperation and fondness, fear and trust would look now with only revulsion. He couldn't bare it....he wouldn't. Not that. The one thing he could not handle. To see hate and disgust in those eyes.

Running to his room he pulled his old suitcase from the top shelf of the closet and started throwing clothes and toiletries into it. Once done he fled the apartment, running down the steps to his car where he threw the bag into the trunk. Looking up at the sky he could tell it was somewhere around noon. He was about to slid into the driver's seat when it hit him. The picture. It was still upstairs. Fear and apprehension clawing at his spine he ran up the stairs to his apartment and snatched the frame from it's resting place before once more going to his car. He drove downtown and extracted all his money from his bank account before hitting the road again.

It was only after he had passed the leaving Sunnydale sign that he finally began to relax and allowed the tears to flow.

*****
Part 4:

5 Years Later.....

Xander leaned on his car, staring at the sign that read 'Welcome to Sunnydale'. It looked the same as he remembered it, beaten and dirty and it looked as if the concrete around the base had been replaced recently. For some reason the sign never wanted to remain upright. His eyes shifted to the right, taking in the scene of houses and buildings sprawled along the rolling hills of his former home town. It looked the same. It all looked the same. But Xander knew that looks could be deceiving, that underneath the surface change broil and twisted making a mockery of the peaceful setting.

Sighing, he reached up and removed his glasses and wiped them on his shirt. He realized what he was doing and snorted to himself. It reminded him of Giles. His Giles. The glasses and polishing. And God, how he would give anything not to have that reminder but he had finally discovered one of the main reasons for his dislike of books. He couldn't see the print and in a fit of nostalgia and an unlooked at need for something other than his memories he had purchased the things. Now as he placed them back on his face allowing the world to come into crystal clear view he mentally smacked himself. Too many reminders, too many memories, and he asked himself for the hundredth time why he was returning, coming back to this place.

When he had left over five years ago he hadn't looked back. Hadn't written or left warning. Simply got in his car and drove away. He had been to many places, seen a lot of things, and had grown up. Fast. Cause the streets were hard, especially when you were escaping.

Stealing himself, he walked to the driver's side of the car and slid behind the wheel. Starting the engine he pulled off the side of the road and headed into Sunnydale and his past.

*****

Willow smiled as Tara cuddled into her side. The two witches were sitting on Buffy's couch surrounded by books and herbs trying to locate a spell to help the Slayer fight yet another demon. Glancing up the redhead focused her gaze on her beloved and placed a quick kiss on the beautiful cheek in front of her before once more turning to her book. Tara sighed happily and snuggled further before letting her eyes settle on her own book.

They read quietly for a while until a hesitant knock came on the door. They both looked up but before Willow could move Tara stood and made her way into the front hall. Opening the door she gasped and stepped back. Willow, hearing her girlfriend, jumped up and looked at the newcomer. Seeing Xander standing in the doorway she promptly passed out.

"Hi Tara." Xander watched as Tara grabbed the unconscious witch and stepped forward to help. Lifting Willow in his arms he placed her on the couch before stepping back and looking at Tara.

"Xander? Is that really you?" Tara asked, trying hard not to let her stutter reappear under the shock of Xander's presence.

"Yes, it is." Xander replied. He was impassive and calm, holding himself rigid. Tara's eyes jumped over his form taking in the obvious changes. His clothes were simple and plain. Black slacks with a pair of normal sneakers, plain white button up shirt partly concealed by a black leather jacket. A pair of glasses rested on his face and his hair was short and neatly groomed. But to Tara, the most noticeable change was his stature. He stood tall, the remembered stoop no longer evident. He was also still. Tara remembered the young man to be constantly in motion, twitching or moving in some way or form.

Now he stood before her and she immediately recognized him as a different person. A very different person indeed. Hardening her face she looked him dead in the eye and spoke.

"You have a lot to explain. Do you have any idea of what you've put us through?" The cold snap in her voice didn't seem to disturb Xander. He merely inclined his head and grunted in agreement. Taken aback by this cold acceptance she watched as his gaze focused on Willow. They stood in silence for a few minutes, Tara not know how to break the silence and Xander not wanting to.

They both heard the quiet moan and the sound of cloth rustling as Willow stirred. Leaning over her lover, Tara gently placed a hand on a familiar cheek and forced a smile to her face.

"Wh...what happened?" Willow mumbled, not quit awake yet.

"You fainted, sweetheart. Are you ok?" The blond witch let a note of worry creep into her voice.

"I'm fine. I had the strangest dream thou..." Her voice caught on a startled gasp as she spotted the form standing over Tara's shoulder. "Xander?"

"Hello, Willow." Xander spoke, a slight tremor in his voice the only emotion he showed, unable to keep that small break from slipping free.

Willow slowly rose from the couch, her gaze fixed on Xander in disbelief. She approached him slowly and reached out a tentative hand to stroke his face. Her eyes widened when her hand encountered flesh and she quickly let her hand fall. Xander remained motionless the whole time, watching every emotion and so it was that he caught the slight change in Willow's eyes before the slap connected with his face, sending his glasses flying and hot pain lancing through his head. Looking at the redhead he watched as she stepped back, anger and hurt stretched across her face like a mask and listened to her emotional question.

"Where the hell have you been?"

*****
Part 5:

Xander calmly walked over to where his glasses lay on the carpet and picked them up. He placed them back on his face before turning around the face Willow and Tara.

"Many places. Here and there." Xander replied to her question. He stood tense now having not expected the violence of his homecoming. He let his eyes travel over Willow taking in the changes. She had let her hair grow long again and it was pulled back into a complicated French braid. Her clothes had also mellowed, he noted, her fuzzy shirts and overalls having been replaced with delicate patterns in elegant styles. He looked at Tara and noted that she held herself taller and her gaze was unwavering.

"That's it? That's all you have to say? Five years Xander! Five years you've been gone. No phone calls, no letters, nothing." She broke off tears streaming down her cheeks as her anger left. Body trembling she sat on the couch, burying her face in her hands as a storm of emotions swept thru her.

Xander cringed at causing his friend pain before letting his mask slip into place once again. Quietly he seated himself on the edge of a chair and waited for Willow to calm down enough. For long moments the only sounds were Willow's sobs and Tara's quiet murmurings of reassurance. Finally, the redhead calmed down a little and lifted her face. The pain and betrayal on her face causing Xander to flinch.

"Why?" She asked, her voice filled with tears.

"You know why." Xander replied, looking her in the eye and allowing emotions to pass thru his eyes.

"That's not good enough Xander. You could have told us...you could have told me! Do you have any idea how worried we've been? How many nights I lay in bed wondering if you were alive or dead or worse?"

And finally, Xander broke, seeing and hearing the countless levels of grief of his once closest friends. Tears started to prick his eyes and no matter what he did Xander was unable to hold them back. His shoulders slumped as he curled around himself, sobs racking his body as the last five years came pouring out.

He felt a gentle hand on his shoulder before he was embraced in strong arms. He inhaled the scent of Willow, still the same after so long a time, and let it comfort him. He was startled when another set of arms came around him but relaxed after a moment, uncaring now who saw his misery.

Tense moments passed before Xander drew a deep, shuddering breath and raised his head to stare into the eyes of his old friend.

"Better now?" She whispered, raising a hand to wipe his tears from his face. He shakily nodded his head before burying his face in her throat, trying desperately to reclaim his calm. "It's ok, Xander. Everything will be fine now. Hush now, your home."

Her words swept thru Xander, dispelling the last of his grief and it was with his old smile that he looked her in the face again.

"God Wills, I've missed you. I'm sorry. So, so sorry. I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't....I just couldn't. Not like that. I didn't know what else to do." He could feel more tears threatening and ruthlessly shoved them back. He saw understanding dawn in her eyes before she released him and sat back. They looked at each for long moments before Willow smiled and Xander returned it, meaning every inch of it.

"Are you hungry?" Startled, the two friends heads whipped around to focus on Tara. They had forgotten she was in the room. Nodding his head he rubbed his face and stood. Following the two witches into the kitchen. Preparing lunch, Xander began to talk. About where he had been, the things he'd done. He had traveled mostly, spending his savings quickly and having to work random jobs in small towns just so he could move onto another. He told them almost everything, keeping the darker aspects of his travels to himself. They laughed and cried more and it was a much lighter Xander who sat back in his seat after finishing eating.

A quiet settled around them, not tense but comfortable, and it was a few moments before it was broken. They all jumped when they heard a curse coming from the kitchen followed by loud pounding and more cursing. Xander tensed recognizing the voice and waited nervously for the new person to enter the room.

The new person walked in, still cursing, only to draw up short at the site in the living room. The newcomer stared before closing off every trace of emotion from their face off and speaking.

"Hello Xander."

"Hi Buffy."

*****
Part 6:

Xander stood up and nervously clasped his hands in front of him before forcefully unwinding them and letting them hang at his sides. His gaze remained fixed on the Slayer as she slowly walked into the room and sat down on the sofa next to Willow and Tara. She said nothing for a few minutes before speaking.

"So Xander.....wanna tell me why your here?" Her voice was cold and emotionless, her eyes boring holes into his skull. Xander furrowed his eyes in confusion before blanking his face and answering.

"I don't know why." Honesty infused in his words. Buffy arched an eyebrow before sitting back and folding her hands across her stomach and sinking back into the sofa, never taking her eyes off the man standing in front of her.

"You don't know why." Disbelief colored her tone. "So you just show up out of the blue after disappearing for five years with no word and you don't know why." Willow moved to speak on his behalf and Buffy broke her gaze long enough to silence her with a look before once more turning to Xander.

Xander swallowed and attempted to speak. His voice caught in his throat and he cleared it before he continued, the cold note in Buffy's voice disconcerting him. "Yes, that's right. I.....I just came back." He winced at his trembling voice but stood straighter when Buffy let out a snort.

"What so you thought you could just come back and everything would fine? That we would welcome you back with open arms?" Buffy asked, her voice rising with anger by the end. She stood up quickly and walked to Xander forcing him to step back. She simply moved until she was in his face before speaking again. "Well, I have news for you Xander. You left. You left and didn't even have the decency to say goodbye. You can't just come back like this and expect everything to be ok."

Xander flinched with each passing sentence until he found himself hunched over, eyes cast down to the floor. Buffy took a deep breath before stepping back, visibly trying to calm herself.

"I...I didn't. I just...I don't know....wanted to come back. I missed you guys....and I just thought...." Xander broke off as fresh tears welled in his eyes, the traces of disappointment in Buffy's words cutting far deeper than her anger.

"No Xander, you didn't think. God, do you have any idea what you've put us thru, all of us. The years of not knowing, of waking up in the middle of the night when the phone rings and not knowing if it's a demon or the hospital calling to say they've found your body? And do you have any idea of the countless nightmares I've had picturing having you show up one day just so I can stake? Do you?" She was shouting by now, the years of fear, pain, hurt, and anger evident in her voice. Shaking and crying Xander stepped back until his back was braced against the wall. Tears of shame rolled down his face as he looked up and saw them staring at him.

"I'm sorry.....so sorry....please...I'm...I'm sorry!" He cried before he felt his knees give way and he slid down the wall. He buried his face in his drawn up knees and wept. Silence hung in the air until Buffy spoke again.

"Xander." She waited until she his attention before continuing. "Xander, we have a lot to talk about.....a lot we need to discuss. Right now I think it's best if we both just.....calmed down."

"She's right Xan." Willow broke in, new tears on her face as well. "Do you have a place to stay?" Xander lifted his eyes and shook his head. "Alright then, you'll stay here. There's a spare bedroom now and you can stay there." Xander nodded his head before a new thought crossed his mind.

"Shouldn't we ask Mrs. Summer's first?" He was startled to hear a choked off sob at this question coming from Buffy and a flash of sadness in Willow's eyes before she shook her head.

"Xan....we should talk....there's a lot to talk about. But, we'll do that in the morning. For now let's just get you to bed. You must be exhausted."

Confusion knotting his brow Xander picked himself off the floor before walking past Buffy and following Willow up the stairs. He was led to one of the bedrooms where he was told to rest and given reassurances that they would talk in the morning. Lying down on the bed Xander stared at the ceiling, the last rays of the dying light casting odd shadows against the white background. He closed his eyes and thought about the day's events, shuddering at all the emotions still coursing thru him. He had known it would be hard coming back to Sunnydale but yet he was still taken by surprise, none of his preparations coming close to taking away the pain of his homecoming. Sighing deeply, he turned on to his side and willed his body to welcome the nothingness of slumber.

*****
Part 7:

When Xander next woke it was to a gentle knocking on the door. Confused as to where he was he sat up and wiped the sleep from his eyes. Looking around him, memories of the previous day flooded him and he flinched at at them and the pain that accompanied them. Sighing, he stood up and padded over to the door and opened it. Willow stood in the hall, nervously winding a finger in her loose hair.

"Good Morning, Xander. Did you sleep ok?" She asked, not meeting his eyes.

"Yeah." He yawned and stretched before continuing. "Thanks for letting me crash here. I appreciate it."

"That's ok. It's....it's good to have you back. We missed you." Willow glanced up at him and their eyes meet and held, a new storm of emotions flowing through them before someone gently cleared their throat. Glancing past Willow, Xander saw Tara part way down the hall watching them.

"Would you like some breakfast?" Tara inquired.

"Uhh...sure, just let me use the bathroom real quick." Xander answered before giving Willow a small smile and moving down the hall. Once in the bathroom he went to the sink and splashed cold water on his face. Raising his head and looking in the mirror he silently questioned what he was doing here again.

For long moments he stared at his reflection before shrugging his shoulders when no answer was forthcoming. He brushed his teeth and relieved himself before walking into the now empty hall. He headed towards the stairs and took a calming breath before descending. He made his way towards the kitchen and sat in one of the barstools. A tense silence filled the room as Tara and Willow made breakfast.

Xander watched them, trying to maintain his calm as hundreds of memories came crashing into his brain. Mornings just like this one back when things had been ok. Before Anya had found the picture, before he had run, before....everything. He felt a sharp pain pass through his chest as the memories kept coming until he had to close his mind and *force* them out. He had learned pretty soon after leaving that memories were best left hidden in the back of his mind otherwise he would go mad.

He was startled out of his thoughts when a plate was set before him and after murmuring a quiet thanks he began to eat. Tara and Willow sat across from him with their own plates and the silence continued, each lost in their own thoughts. Xander glanced up from under eyelashes to observe his old friends. Willow looked older now, more mature, laugh and sorrow lines crossing her face that he didn't remember. Tara, who sat straight instead of the remembered stoop, had one hand lightly resting on Willow's forearm, silently offering support.

Xander had to catch himself from laughing out loud. Willow needed support now because of him and an old memory flashed through his mind of a promise he had made the redhead when they were children. A promise to never hurt her. He had broken that promise. Broken it so many times it was a wonder Willow had ever trusted anything from him again. Jesse, Cordelia, Anya, *Giles*. He had hurt her with all of them because he had never had it in him to love her the way she had loved him. He had kicked himself and examined himself hundreds of times to find the reason but never could and he now found himself doing it again. He stopped when Tara leaned over to Willow and gave her a small hug before the blonde witch got up and put her plate into the sink.

Tara stood there for a minute, unsure what to do, before reseating herself at the counter bar and tracing idle patterns on the tabletop. Silence still and Xander could imagine a giant knife slicing through the air, cleaving the room in two with the thickness of the tension. He pulled himself out of that thought quickly, reminding himself that he was on the Hellmouth now and thoughts like that were dangerous.

He finished his food and the loud scraping of chair startled everyone as he stood up. Flashing a brief smile he walked to the sink, set his plate down, and braced his arms along the lip of the counter, preparing himself for the conversation that had to take place. For the confrontations that would come. The questions and answers.

He turned around and opened his mouth to speak when the door to the kitchen squeaked open. All eyes moved to the door and each caught their breath at the person who entered. One horribly long second passed before Xander let out a quiet whimper and bolted for the backdoor. Tearing it open, he raced down the porch steps and ran, heart beating in his chest, blood screaming and mind numb. He didn't look back. He didn't pause. He just ran.

In the kitchen, Tara and Willow stared at the backdoor before turning once more to the newcomer. Giles.

*****
Part 8:

Giles raised one eyebrow at the figure racing out of the backdoor before turning to the two stunned witches sitting at counter.

"I take it you did not inform him I was coming over?" Giles asked, anger and disappointment etched in his voice.

"I...I didn't know how to tell him. He seemed so calm and it's weird having him here again and I didn't want to upset him again because..." Willow's babbling was cut off as Tara placed a hand on her shoulder giving a firm squeeze.

"We're sorry Mr. Giles. We just didn't want to upset him. He had a rough time yesterday and we thought we'd have more time. Why are you here so early?" Tara asked.

"Well..." Giles cleared his throat and took Xander's hurriedly vacated chair. "To tell the truth I was anxious to see him again. After all, I am the reason or I believe I am the reason he left Sunnydale in the first place." He finished, sadness and regret showing plainly on his face.

An awkward silence passed between them before it was broken by Buffy coming into the kitchen.

"So what's going on?" She asked, observing the crestfallen looks on the faces in front of her.

"Xander. Giles came in while we were eating breakfast and Xander took off." Willow answered, reaching up and covering Tara's hand with her own. Buffy narrowed her eyes and looked at the still open back door before striding off and closing it.

"Well, there's not much we can do now. If Xander wants to keep running every time something bad happens then let him. I don't have time to be worrying about him anymore." Buffy stated, reaching into the refrigerator for a bottle of juice.

"Buffy! It's Xander! How can you not be worried about him?" Willow asked incredulously.

"Because Willow.....he left once and if he leaves again....I don't know....I just can't do it again. I lost him once, I won't let myself lose him again." Buffy replied, grief and pain twisting her face before she turned around and walked out of the kitchen.

No one had anything to say about that.

*****

Xander collapsed on a park bench, trying desperately to catch his breath. The shock of seeing his love in the flesh after so long finally caught up to him and he bowed his head as tears streamed down his face. Oh god, it hurt! Seeing that face so close to his own. His mind had frozen at first before the shame of his situation slammed back into him and the only thing he could think of was running.

Now, panting, weeping, and heartbroken he struggled madly to pull himself together. Five long years had passed since he'd seen Giles, the picture he had taken with him the only thing that kept him from going insane. The hope of one day seeing that face again in person getting him through the days. And now, the only thing he had done was run!

Shame and fear pounded through him and he sank back into himself, memories assaulting him from the recesses of his mind. How long Xander sat there lost in the past he didn't know. He only became aware of his surroundings again when he felt a sharp pain in the back of his head. He fell forwards and turned to face his assailant. The last thing he saw before the darkness overtook him was a horned demon standing over him smiling evilly.

*****

Spike tossed his cigarette onto the ground before reaching into his duster and grabbing his pack. Taking out a fag, he started to light it when he heard a yelp coming from his right. Turning his head curiously he saw a T'Narish demon standing over a still body. Spike smirked to himself and lit his cigarette before leaning back on a nearby swing set and watching. T'Narish demons were notoriously stupid but they had a mean streak in them a mile wide and Spike knew he was going to get a lovely show.

Just because he couldn't hurt humans anymore didn't mean he didn't like to see them in pain. If watching was the only way he would get violence tonight then he was more than willing to sit back and watch. The T'Narish demon had by now lifted one of the unconscious man's arms and snapped it like a twig. The body twitched but didn't awaken and Spike smiled to himself. Good, he thought, the demon was starting off slow.

Spike continued to watch for several minutes as the demon slowly started to beat on the man. The wind suddenly shifted and a new scent tickled his nose. It was familiar but Spike couldn't place it. The scent drifted by again and brought about memories of chocolate. Confused, the vampire inhaled deeply, scenting the air and realized the smell was coming from the unconscious form. Curious now, he wracked his brain for the memory of the scent and froze when he realized just whom it was he smelled.

Cursing loudly Spike ran across the park towards the T'Narish demon and attacked. The T'Narish was standing above Xander getting ready to kick him again when Spike suddenly lifted the larger demon from his feet. The fight was swift, the vampire making short work of the slow T'Narish. When the fast shriek of agony faded in the air, Spike turned and let out a violent and colorful stream of expletives. There lying on the ground was Xander.

*Bloody fucking hell* Spike thought. It would have to be Droopy Pants. Spike snarled out loud before letting his game face retreat. He kneeled over the unconscious form of Xander and listened for a heart beat. It was there though faint and Spike closed his eyes and questioned for the millionth time why he always got himself into these situations. Sighing heavily, he gently lifted Xander in his arms and started off across the park. Buffy would know what to do about Xander and maybe just maybe he could score a few points by showing he had saved Xander's life. It might buy him enough time to run when she found out he had let Xander get this bad in the first place.

*****
Part 9:

When Xander woke the first thing he noticed was the pain. It swept across his body like a brush fire. His mind reeled with the sudden onslaught of sensation and he almost passed out with the pain. After a few moments he was able to breathe again. He opened his eyes slowly only to shut them again quickly when the world started spinning and fading out.

He breathed deeply and tried to focus. The first thing he became aware of was voices. They were low and muted, a soft hum in the background. The sound soothed him a little and he risked opening his eyes again. This time he fought through the dizziness and once his vision cleared he saw the unmistakable tiles of a hospital ceiling. He furrowed his brow in confusion and tried to think how he had gotten there. He remembered nothing.

The sound of voices came closer and he thought maybe they could help him. He turned his head and almost cried out but before a sound could escape he slipped into darkness.

*****

The next time he awoke he noticed the pain was considerably less. He didn�t hear any voices this time, the only noise the soft drip�drip of the IV stuck in his arm. He cautiously opened his eyes. The room still spun but it settled down much faster this time and he let out a soft breath of relief. He lay there for a while, trying to remember what happened but he kept drawing blanks. Just as he was about to search around for the button to summon a nurse he heard a soft rustle of fabric.

Fearing to turn his head and pass out again, Xander tried to speak. His throat was parched and the only sound that escaped was a soft grunt.

�Xander?� said a whispered voice. It took him a moment to realize it was Willow. He let out another grunt and heard more fabric movement and the slight sound of steps. �Xander? Are you awake?� Suddenly, Willow was hovering in front of him, lines of worry and tear tracks on her face.

He gave a small smile and Willow smiled in return. �Don�t move Xander. You were beaten up pretty bad.� At his look of confusion Willow continued. �Spike brought you to the house. You were unconscious. He said he found a demon beating up on someone and realized it was you. He killed the demon and brought you to the house. We brought you to the hospital.�

Xander felt himself relax into the bed. He should have realized. Not even one day back in Sunnydale and already he was proving to be a demon magnet again. Willow reached out and grasped his hand in one of hers. He smiled again and squeezed back, noting how weak his grip was.

They stayed there for a few more minutes before Willow went to get a nurse. Xander�s mind was kicking into gear again. He remembered breakfast that morning, seeing Willow and Tara interacting so comfortably with each other. He remembered seeing Giles and running. A stab of pain went through his heart and he had to breathe deeply in order to calm himself. He had been stupid to run�he knew that. This was his own fault. Bringing himself out of that train of thought he concentrated again. He remembered sitting on a park bench and then nothing.

Sighing, he closed his eyes and waited for the nurse. He must have drifted off again because the next time he woke up the room was flooded with light. He blinked against the glare and cautiously moved his head.

Sitting next to his bed was Willow, her head cushioned on Tara�s shoulder. Tara sat next to her speaking quietly to Buffy who was standing. He let his eyes drift further and breathed in deeply. A small whimper escaped his lips and he shut his eyes tight.

The noise attracted the attention of everyone in the room. Xander turned his face toward the only window in the room, trying to block out everyone. It didn�t work. He felt a hand take his and flinched. The hand hesitated before settling firmly. He tried to withdraw but couldn�t escape the grasp.

�Xander.� A voice said. Xander clenched his eyes tighter and tried to shift over in the bed. Pain struck him and he felt himself slipping into darkness, trying to escape the pain. Warm hands settled around his body and held him still, allowing him time to repress the pain. �Could you all give us a moment please?�

There was a shuffling of feet and the sound of a door opening and closing. The silence hung heavy in the room for a moment before the hands retreated. Xander let out a breath he didn�t know he was holding and relaxed slightly.

�Xander, are you in pain?� Xander shook his head. The voice sighed and he felt a hand gently caress his face. �Can�t you even look at me?�

�Please.� Xander rasped. His voice shook and the hand retreated. A moment later he felt something brush his lips and opened his eyes. A straw lay in front of him and he gently took it in, pulling on it and drinking the cool water. When the cup was empty it withdrew and Xander stared out the window, refusing to acknowledge the person standing beside him.

�When are you going to stop running Xander?� The dark haired boy flinched and started to close his eyes. �No. Keep your eyes open and look at me.� The voice was firm and reprimanding, expecting immediate obedience. Xander obeyed but kept his eyes downcast, staring at the other�s chest.

�Please.� Xander said. He had to clear his throat before continuing. �I can�t�please�I�m sorry.� He felt tears well in his eyes and could do nothing to stop them flowing down his cheeks.

Again a hand settled on his face, wiping away the tears and Xander shuddered as his body responded to the touch. His breath hitched and his eyes flew up to the beloved face. �Giles.� Xander�s voice held so many emotions; longing, pain, love, hurt, need, want, desire. He looked into the gray eyes of the person he had given his soul too and felt himself spiral once more into darkness.

*****
tbc