*****

Spike looked through the window into a bright room with fluorescent lighting. Photos of happy women with great hair smiling superiorly lined the walls. Spike grumbled and threw his cigarette to the ground, stubbing it with the heel of his boot.

"I'm getting sick of this shit." He mumbled before pushing the door open. An annoyingly loud buzzer went off and a bright, bubbly girl with purple hair appeared at the counter.

"Hi, Sir. Can I help you?" The girl, who's nametag read 'Cyndi', asked a little too happily. Spike glared at her.

"I need a touch up." He said through clenched teeth. Cyndi smiled brightly, almost blinding Spike with her perfectly white teeth.

"Sure! Come this way, Sir." Cyndi said, literally bouncing through a door and into the next room. Spike scrunched up his face and imitated her bounce before resuming his usual posture and following her.

"Just take a seat here and one of our colourists will be with you in a moment."

Spike stood in the doorway cringing. The backroom was lined with mirrors, and he didn't show up in any of them. Cyndi bounced further into the room and began to talk animatedly with another customer. Wither her back turned to him Spike began to notice that things were *very* different around here.

She had a tail.

Spike walked slowly to the chair and sat down. He looked around and began to notice the other customers. A woman sitting nearby reading a copy of "Who" looked up and smiled, two small horns sat just below her hairline near the temples. A large, scaly�..humanoid sat getting it's nails done, all 23 of them. In the corner a green demon with black hair, red eyes and spikes all over his face leaned against a wall chatting up Cyndi in an Irish accent.

A hand patted his shoulder, making him jump. A tall red haired woman stood behind him. The vampire quickly looked her up and down for her demonic attributes.

2 legs. 2 arms. 1 head. 3 breasts. No tentacles. No horns�..3 breasts?

Spike looked quickly from her more than ample bosom to her face and back again.

"Y-you�" He stuttered.

"Yeah. I was in 'Total Recall'. Don't make a big fuss okay. Most people think Arnie's a demon. I don't want to be the one to tell them otherwise." She said conspiratorially.

"Anyway. My name's Candice. I'll be your colourist this evening. What would you like done?" She asked smiling.

"Just a touch up to my roots thanks, luv." Spike said shaking himself out of his stunned awe.

"All righty then. Let's get to work."

Candice began pottering around, mixing up the dye. The smell of ammonia filled the room but Spike didn't notice. He stared at the hypnotic sway of her chest in the mirror as she went to work on his hair.

"So, have you been in town long?" Candice asked, busily applying the peroxide goop to his roots. Spike continued to watch her chest as he answered.

"Just since this morning. Made titty...er�pretty good time on the way in." Spike said, mentally cursing.

"Cool. Turn your head to your right, please. How do you like it so far?"

Spike obediently obeyed her instructions and found himself face to chest with the well endowed colourist. He inhaled slowly before answering.

"Well�the motel's one of the breas-...best! I've seen in a long while. " Spike answered, mentally playing soccer with his brain.

**Note to self: Erection + Tight pants + 3 breasts = Interesting combination.**

Candice chuckled.

"I guess the whole 'vampire' thing doesn't help your tourist options. Head left please."

Spike groaned quietly and turned his head left.

"No. Not really a UV and the Sunshine Band fanclub member." Spike said.

"A what? Head forward." Candice asked confused. Spike leaned his head forward and saw a tent forming underneath the cape.

"Nevermind. Spike said, covering the bulge with his hands.

"Okay. We'll just wrap this towel around your head and let it sit for a while. I'll be back in about 15 minutes to check. Can I get you anything? Blood? Scotch? Copy of Necrophiliacs monthly?"

Spike cleared his throat and shook his head.

"No, thanks. I'll be right." He said gruffly. Candice nodded and walked away.

**I wonder if she's got three ass cheeks.** He thought, turning his head slightly and squinting at her reflection in the mirror. His attention was broken by the sound of a chair moving beside him. He turned his head and looked at the spiky, green demon he'd seen chatting up Cyndi.

"Name's Doyle." He said, thick Irish brogue marred by tracings of an American accent.

"Spike." The vampire said nodding his head.

"So, Spike. What d'ya do for a living? I work for the PTB, y'know. Fightin' the good fight an' the like." Doyle said, waving his hand around the room as if to indicate that he was responsible for the room they were in. Spike snorted.

"You? A fighter? And I'm the bleedin' tooth fairy." Spike scoffed. Doyle turned his head on an angle and stared intently at the be-turbaned Spike.

"Y'know, I'm beginnin' to see a resemblance�" Doyle said, smiling broadly. Spike glared daggers at the Doyle and growled deep in his chest.

"Hey, hey. I was only jokin'. Lighten up a bit. Sheez. You're worse than Angel." Doyle said. Spike's head snapped up to pay full attention to Doyle.

"Angel? What do you know of that soddin' poof?" He demanded, eyes flashing gold.

"I work for the blight is all. Why d'ya ask?" The demon asked nervously, startled by the vampire's response. Spike shook his head.

"Had a bit of a run in with him a while back. S'no big."

Doyle regarded him suspiciously for a second. Spike turned back to the mirror and continued to look at Candice's cheeks. Doyle whistled through his front teeth and looked around uncomfortably.

"So�.what was it you said you do?" He asked raising an eyebrow. Spike sighed and turned back to the meddlesome demon.

"I'm a bodyguard." He said. Doyle's eyes widened.

"A bodyguard, y'say?"

"Of sorts."

"Of sorts, ay? Who's body do you guard?" Doyle asked warily. Spike ground his teeth together.

"Blond chit. 'Bout yay tall. Great set of legs and wields a mean stake. You wanna know her blood pressure too?" The vampire asked, getting more than a little ticked off that his 'bird' watching had been interrupted.

"The Slayer?" Doyle said, sounding more than a little amazed. Spike raised an eyebrow.

"What of it?" He asked warily. The annoying green demon stared off into a space for a second, before snapping his fingers and pointing at Spike with a look of triumph on his face.

"That's it! You're Angel's Spike!" He cried.

Spike glared at him.

"I'm *what*?" He said dangerously. Doyle had the sense to look embarrassed by his statement.

"Err�.What I mean t' say is�.Err�.Angel's been talking about you." Spikeface stammered.

"Me? How d'you know he weren't talking about that Degrassi Junior High chit? Or that bloke with the bad American accent from Press Gang, eh?" Spike said, half-heartedly trying to steer the conversation away.

"Well�.'E could have�.but the 'vampire' thing sort of gives it away."

Spike looked away.

"Ah�Well�.that'd explain it." Spike said, somewhat put out.

Doyle looked up at the sound of his name being called from the other side of the room.

"Must go. Do you want me to say 'Hi' to Angel for you?" He asked. Spike shook his head.

"It's probably better if you don't. We're not really all that close. Y'know, rough break up."

"Ok. Well it was nice meeting you. I think. Catch you round." He stammered, rising from his chair and walking back across the room.

"Yeah�.Whatever. " Spike muttered.

Candice appeared behind him again.

"Let's just check how this is going." She said unwrapping the towel from his head. She picked at his hair with her long painted fingernails.

"Looks good. Now if you'd just like to come over to the basin, we'll wash that stuff out of your hair." Candice said cheerfully, guiding Spike out of the chair.

"Good. I was beginning to feel like Aladdin with that damn towel on me head." Spike said grinning. Candice grinned back and led him to a basin.

"All righty. If you'll just sit down here, I'll get the water temperature and we can get this party started."

Spike sat down and shook his head.

**No brain whatsoever. Nice tits tho.**

Candice turned the taps on and fiddled for a minute before instructing Spike to lean back. Spike leaned back and came face to face with Candice's 3 swaying globes.

**Cor. If I cross my eyes there'll be six.**

He let out a groan as Candice began to rinse his hair. As she worked, Spike wasn't sure which turned him on more. Her breasts swinging so close to his face, or her hands as she forcefully massaged his head.

A voice suddenly cut into his thoughts.

"Wake up sleepyhead."

**Angelus?**

Spike opened his eyes and looked up into the smiling face of Candice.

"Shit. Must have fallen asleep." Spike said, somewhat apologetically. Candice grinned.

"You've been asleep for 3 hours. You'd still be asleep, except it's time to shut up shop."

Spike jumped to his feet and looked at his watch.

"Fuck me!" He exclaimed in surprise.

"Sorry. My boyfriend would get jealous." Candice said, smiling at Spike. The vampire stared at her for a moment before shaking himself and regaining his composure.

"What's the damage?" He asked, reaching for his wallet.

Candice led the re-blonded vampire out to the front of the store and made and added it all up on a calculator.

"That'll be $16.50 all up."

Spike pulled a couple of notes out of his wallet and tossed them on the counter.

"Keep the change" He said and walked out the door.

"Sitting back in his car he lit a cigarette and looked up at the bright neon sign.

PEACHES HAIR AND BEAUTY EMPORIUM.
Open Late until Later.

Spike shook his head.

"Never again." He said as he started the car. Gunning the engine twice he sped off into the night.

The neon sign above buzzed loudly in the silence.

Flickered once.

Twice.

And clicked off.

~Fin~