[Giles and Buffy are mid-training session. She seems distracted. While they exchange blows they talk-]

Buffy: Giles, do you think it's possible for people to change?

Giles: To. change?

Buffy: Yeah, you know. Who they are- or maybe just, they were always who they are, but their behavior was. not?

Giles: [confused] Ah-

Buffy: I mean, people grow and evolve over time, right? They learn things. They. change. A-and you change. Or maybe you really were always- but- And suddenly you see them in a way you never saw them before. Little things. The way their hair falls softly down over their face. They way their leather pants mold so form-fittingly to their thighs. The altogether seductive way they wield a stake.

[As Buffy has been talking, Giles has started to daze off, preoccupied with his own meandering thoughts. While Buffy continues to babble to herself, Giles begins to sing. Buffy clearly doesn't hear him, still off on her own tangent, which we cannot hear.]

Giles: I'm still a bachelor at age forty six
My love life 'round here has been the pits
Maybe I'd have more luck indeed avoiding chicks
But I-
There was that one time back in college when
Got pissed with Ethan and manhandled him
I know this naked gay thing may not be permanent
But I-

I wish I could play this part out
Get with the new plan
Wish I could try this gay thing
Find myself a man
Wish I could stay queer
But I know it won't last
I know I'm
Not really gay

It's clear in love and sex that I've been gypped
And those bloody Scoobies shag like nobody's business
Maybe I could get some, even if it's just short-lived
But I-
I wish I could take advantage
Escape my sexless past
Maybe I could talk Spike into it
Get in just one shag
Wish I could stay queer
Get my rocks off at last
But in the end there's
No escape
I know I'm not-
Not really gay

[As he finishes singing, we tune back into Buffy's rant.]

Buffy: And, hey- I had needs. Very normal, very natural needs. Urges. And ya know, when you're fresh from the slaying, your body- or in this case, the body you happen to be inhabiting at the time- doesn't always give you time to ponder the ethics of masturbation in someone else's- and besides, she has all those extra hormones that make her- [she trails off, seeing that Giles is now staring at her with a very disturbed expression on his face. Looks up at the clock on the wall.] Whew! Where'd the time go? Good work out. Thanks Giles.

[Embarrassed, she ducks out of the training room. Giles seems to shake off his wiggins and settle back into his own pensive musings. We cut to Tara entering the Magic Box through the backdoor. She sees that Willow is curled up on some cushions facing towards the front of the store. The redhead's bag is laying open on the light table and a few thick tomes are visible sticking out. Tara walks over silently reads the spine of the foremost book, "Glamours and Charms of Love." As she picks it up, the book falls open to a well-creased page, the description of the spell begins: "To wreak change, that the one you desire should fall under your sway." Shocked and hurt, Tara closes the book, unable to read any further. Watching Willow from across the room, Tara begins to sing, the redhead taking no notice of her presence, very much in the way of Buffy in the previous scene.]

Tara: I'm under your spell
God, how can this be
Hacked my sexuality
You worked your charm so well
Willow, what were we?
I thought we were meant to be
You made me believe

[Giles enters the main room of the shop, adding his voice to Tara's in a duet-]

Giles: Was I really straight before?
Together: And if I was do I want to know?
Can it be so?

Giles: I wish I could play this part out/ Tara: Wish I could just ignore,
Get with the new plan /Go on as before
Wish I could try this gay thing/'Cause boys they're such a bore
Find myself a man/I must abhor the girl that I adore,
Oh, I just

Together: Wish I was gay
Wish I was gay
Wish I was gay
Wish I was. gay

[The two of them end up standing side by side watching Buffy and Willow, neither of whom heard a word of the singing, chat towards the front of the store. As the duet ends, the bell over the shop door tinkles and Spike waltzes in with one of the puppetty minions by the scruff of the neck. Xander and Anya appear from the side of the shop as well.]

Spike: Lookee, lookee what I found. This little bugger says he has a message for the slayer. [beat] Well? [shakes him]

Puppetty Minion: The other slayer is here in Sunnydale, at the pool hall, and I think she wants to kick your ass.

Buffy: [her eyes go wide] F-faith? Faith's here?

Willow: Oh, my God.

Spike: [to the Minion] That it then? [looks him up and down] Well now. Woody, howsabout you let ol' Spike make you a real boy?

[The puppetty minion manages to break Spike's grip and hightails it out of the store.]

Spike: [disappointed] Pity. [He eyes Xander curiously, then Giles.]

Buffy: I- I have to go find her. The- the pool hall, he said? [You can just see her mind reeling with nervous anticipation]

Xander: Buffy, do you really think that's a good idea?

[Buffy turns to him, questioning, then lowers her gaze uncomfortably. She doesn't, however, seem any less convinced.]

Giles: Xander's right, Buffy. You'd be walking right into whatever trap she has planned.

Willow: [Anticipating getting to hurt Faith] I dunno, I wouldn't mind a shot or two at ol' Faith. I have half a mind to turn her into a-

Tara: [angry] Willow!

[Willow dons a hurt expression as Tara continues to glare at her.]

Buffy: Look, I have to do this.

Xander: Hey, wait a minute.

Anya: What?

Xander: Has anybody stopped to think that this whole skanky group nakedness thing kinda reeks of Faithiness? And now she just happens to show up in town? How much you wanna bet she's behind it.

Anya: What about the gay stuff?

[Tara gazes warily Willow's way but doesn't speak up. Willow noticeably gulps under Tara's withering look.]

Xander: Who really knows what goes on in twisted mind of Faith? Even if she isn't behind it, I bet she knows something about it. I say we go down there and-

Buffy: No! You guys should stay here. I'll go. I can handle this.

Giles: Buffy, I really think-

Buffy: Giles, this is my deal. The Chosen two, remember? If it's a fight she wants, then I'll give it to her, but I'm not so sure- [she trails off, again seeming almost shy about discussing Faith.] Look. I'm gonna take care of this. You guys just- don't worry about it. I should- I should go. [She exits in a hurry.]

Xander: On the off chance that we can get to the bottom of all of this, I say we follow her.

Willow: She needs someone to watch her back.

Anya: Her back? You just wanna watch her- [a pained look from Tara stops Anya mid-sentence] kick Faith's skanky ass. Giles, what do you think? I've had enough of this whole naked gay thing. [Looks kind of sadly at Tara again] I miss wanting to have sex with Xander. At home in bed, in the shower, on the kitchen table, [she looks longingly at the light table behind them where the Scoobs usually do their Scoobiage homework] that table over there-

Willow: Ugh!

Giles: [He hesitates a moment, shaking off the disturbing mental image, but also not seeming completely sure of himself.] Yes, I suppose we had better go and see if we can be of any help, whether Buffy approves or not.

Xander: Well, alright then. [his gaze meanders over to Spike and he continues] big fella, saddle up there. [he licks his lips, gazing lustfully at the vamp a moment before realizing what he has just said] Okay. Chop chop! Time to go. Right now. Feel the nowness of the moment as we make with the going.

[The Scoobies head out looking conflicted but determined. Cut to Buffy walking slowly along the darkened streets of Sunnydale, occasionally passing dancing, pantsless same-sex couples.]

Buffy: [sings] I walk the wire so carefully
A hundred feet above crowd
To save them all
Wanting just to fall
But I can't let them down.

And from below she calls to me
Her battle cry a siren song
To come to blows
Or naked, writhing throes
I know I must be strong

So I say fuck this desire
'Cause this has got to stop
I will fight this desire
And get her-

Anya: I've had no sex for three whole days
How many more are still to come?
Spike: You said it, ducks
Being a puff sure sucks
Xander: Hey, at least you got some

Together: So we say fuck this desire
We're all about to pop
Yeah, fuck this desire
And get us-

Giles: Am I giving up my one chance?
To live in gaiety without pants
Can't I stay this way, don't ask, don't tell?
Willow: Didn't mean to do something bad-
Anya: [looking at Tara] Good God, she's hot when she's mad
Tara: Is everything that I feel just a spell?

Together: We'll find our way, and we'll go on no longer gay
So we say fuck this desire

Buffy: Still after all, can't help but wish
Faith: [interposed in the corner of the screen] Why can't we be.
Buffy: Things could be different this time
No sticks and stones
Just fumbling hands and moans
Faith: Together
Buffy: [tentatively] A little bump and grind

Anya: Things just couldn't get much gayer
Faith: And now she comes to me
Spike: I'm better off wanting the slayer
Tara: I don't want to face this world alone
Faith: Poised and ready to attack
Buffy: Scented edible lotions
Xander: Thighs of Spike, oh, god, the shame-
Willow: [glumly] Just wanted to play Mistress of Pain
Faith: I swear I'll be
The one to make her scream
Giles: Spike, unhand my magic bone
Faith: On her feet or on her back
Spike: [speaking] Right. Sorry, mate.

Buffy: This lesbo lust
Faith: Why doesn't she.
Buffy: Is finally ending in a bust
Faith: .want me?
All Together: And we will
Fight this desire
No matter the cost
We say
Fuck this desire
And get us
Off
Get us off
Get us off
Get us off

[Buffy smashes through the door of the pool hall. Faith has Steve the Pantsless Demon blindfolded, gagged, and shackled to the wall. There are bruises, bite marks and narrow little cuts marking his blue skin. Faith has acquired a knife somewhere along the way and trails it teasingly along the demon's thigh. Buffy sees this as she enters and her eyes flash with jealous rage.]

Faith: [with a maniacal gleam in her eye] B! Didn't think you were gonna make it, girlfriend.

[Buffy approaches her slowly, warily, still looking mighty pissed off.]

Buffy: Oh, you know me. Fashionably late an' all. But you seem. happily occupied.

[As the blonde slayer nears, Faith's eyes linger on the abundance of Buffyflesh visible. She rakes her fingernails across Steve's chest, in the grip of her desire, then closes her eyes momentarily, savoring the image before regaining mastery over herself.]

Faith: Mmmm, yeah. This. [She gestures to the demon with her knife] This brings back memories. You remember, don't you, B? Seems like only yesterday it was you I had chained up, all helpless. vulnerable. Good times.

[Buffy gulps at this, remembering, and turned on by the memory, starting to waver in her resolve not to give in.]

Faith: [noticing] You alright there, B? Looking a little paler and pastier than usual. Didn't let another one of those vamp boys you're so fond of sink his teeth into you a little too deeply, did you? You playin' for the other side now?

[Faith presses her body flush against the demon's, her eyes never leaving Buffy's.]

Buffy: [coldly] Me? No. Five by five.

Faith: [laughs wickedly] That's my girl. [She leans in and starts sucking on the demon's ear lobe, taunting Buffy.]

Buffy: [eyeing her angrily] And you- same old Faith.

[Music starts and Buffy sings-]

Buffy: You're a ho
You little grade A slut
You and your leather clad butt
You'd do Jabba the Hut

You're a bitch
Intent on causing pain
Like Glory you're deranged
She should have sucked YOUR brain

[The Puppetty Minions emerge from the shadows and Buffy breaks off for a moment before she continues to sing while she fights them.]

Messed with my friends,
My men
This is where
It ends
You're going down
You'll see
You little
Clit tease
[flustered] That is- I mean-
[recovering] You skanky two bit whore
Gonna make you beg for more

[The whole gang bursts into the place in a rush, Giles quickly assessing the situation.]

Buffy: Don't get me wrong

Giles: [speaking] Anya, Tara, she needs back up.

[Both girls rush to take their places behind the slayer, who has closed her eyes, struggling with herself-]

Buffy: Got to stay strong

[emboldened by her new back-up]
Give me one reason not to kick your ass
[almost pleadingly]
Just one reason not to kick your ass

[Faith merely smirks back at her. Buffy, Anya, and Tara dance a bit, a dance of scorned, sexually-frustrated lovers. Then Buffy sings another verse, slowly approaching the dark slayer-]

Buffy: And so what
If sometimes when we've fought
If I've occasionally thought
You're really kind of hot

It's alright
'Cause what I've got in store
Just what I've been aching for
It's time I kicked your-

[Faith has started to advance now and she and Buffy begin to trade blows, more feeling each other out, it seems, than really trying to do any damage.]

You think your hot
So slick
You and your
High kicks
Your luscious skin
Soft lips

[Faith has swept Buffy's legs out from under her and they've gone down in a tangle of legs, Faith on top. Faith gazes down at her as she sings with her trademark maniacal gleam in her eye.]

I swear I still
Like dick
Oh what. the frick

[Buffy shoves Faith away from her and leaps to her feet. Faith won't back off, though, and her near proximity is taking a toll on Buffy's resolve. They circle each other for a moment, Buffy warily, Faith seeming to enjoy herself.]

Why can't you let me be?
Why is this happening to me?
No, I can't feel-
This can't be real

[Buffy takes a few steps nearer to Faith, gazing at her mournfully before she sings-]

Oh God, it's true
It's not just some spell
[Flash to Willow's extremely startled expression for just a moment]
It's been such hell
I want you
The Chosen Two
Yours, from the start
You've had my heart
I choose you
Oh, God, Faith,
I want you-

[Faith stares at Buffy, dumbfounded. Buffy continues to sing, her tone desperate-]

Buffy: Give me a reason not to kick your ass
Please
Just one reason

[Faith's face is unchanged, still in shock, still taking this in. Interpreting Faith's lack of reaction as rejection, Buffy begins to dance again, the same frenzied type of dance that we saw earlier with the two "Extra Flamey" lesbians. Smoke starts to pour from Buffy's body as she moves faster and faster, spinning out of control until out of nowhere someone catches her by the shoulders, stopping her, saving her in the nick of time. It's Faith, all tenderness-]

Faith: You want me too?
[tenderly] Ya dumb bitch
How could you've missed this?
I want you
It's always been you
Why do you think
I've been on the brink?
Can't you see?
I've been going crazy
I've always wanted you, B

[Buffy almost can't believe it. She just stares at Faith, and then a flash of hope crosses her face. Slowly, tentatively, she starts to reach for the dark slayer. Kind of horrified, and realizing that maybe it really is her spell that's doing this, Willow chants to counteract it.]

Willow: Amoram naturam recursa.

[And the spell ends in a flash of light. Everyone's clothes magically appear back on as they ought to be. Xander and Anya leap joyously into each other's arms, making out giddily. Tara looks down at herself in surprise. She is wearing black leather pants with a wide, studded belt, and a black sleeveless shirt held together at the sides with safety pins, on which is imprinted the face of a snarling wild dog. She looks at Willow in shock for a moment and then seems to settle into herself with an intensely focused kind of self-confidence we've never seen in Tara before. She stares at Willow with an almost predatory gaze. Faith and Buffy watch each other warily, wistfully, both seeming unsure for a moment, as if they're afraid it was just the spell after all. Then they pounce on each other and go down in a tangle of groping hands, frenzied kisses and whimpered moans. Giles sighs loudly and then after a moment, he sings a capella before the music comes in behind him-]

Giles: I'll really miss being queer

[Spike walks up behind him, sadly watching Faith and Buffy go at it.]

Spike and Giles: Yeah, it was good, to be queer.

Giles: Back we go, to the status quo
Where the pickin's are slim all year
[They look at each other almost mournfully.]
Together: Maybe we should have stayed queer

[Tara and Willow join them now.]

Tara: Suddenly all is clear
[to Willow] You're in for a world of hurt, my dear

All four together: Joss will see, I'll never get any
Sweet ecstasy was oh so near
Giles: Tell me
All Together: Why couldn't we just stay queer?

[Willow and Tara start to get more into the song and then they both stop mid-line, looking at each other in confusion]

Spike and Giles: Our sex lives cold and drear

Willow: Hey, wait a minute-

Spike and Giles: To further his own career

[Tara leers briefly at her girlfriend, then grabs Willow by the hand, dragging her off as Giles and Spike continue to sing and everyone else continues to get some.]

Spike and Giles: At least we didn't see
Xander, full monty
But he's a beast in the sack, we hear-
Maybe we should have stayed queer

[From the floor where she and Xander are now heavily making out, Anya suddenly notices that there is singing and choreography going on in the background.]

Anya: Oh my God, have we be singing and dancing this whole time?

Xander: Wow! I didn't even notice, you know- 'cause everybody was-

Anya: [nods] Naked and gay. [Taking it in] Huh.

[They both shrug nonchalantly and go back to sucking face. We move now to our two Wiccans out in the alley behind the building.]

Tara: I'd say that you have some explaining to do, you little minx, but I think I understand all too well what you've been up to.

Willow: [contritely] I-

[Tara pushes her up against a wall, pinning her arms above her head. The blonde leans in close but doesn't kiss her, just eyes her like a cat about to pounce. Willow goes into full on apologetic babble mode.]

Willow: I just wanted to be. on top. for a while. You know,. But. I'm glad things are back now, to normal. I wouldn't have kept you like that forever, you know. I- [she breaks off again, looking up at Tara seductively through half-lidded eyes, her lips parted.]

Tara: [sly grin] Vixen.

[Tara presses their bodies tightly against each other, placing one of her legs firmly between Willow's, which causes the hacker's head to loll back against the wall, a moan escaping her lips. Tara sings. Willow joins in, panting heavily-]

Tara: You could have just asked me, you know
Willow: I tried
Tara: Didn't have to go behind my back
Willow: But I wasn't sure-

[We angle in from a new direction, slowly pushing in on them. Tara's hands have disappeared from the frame. Willow's face contorts with pleasure.]

Tara: You little witch
Willow: Oh, God- please, yes.
Tara: It's okay, we can switch.

[They kiss hungrily, Tara's disciplining Willow's mouth. And the big finish-]

The whole cast all together: [O.S., still on the W/T kissage] Gee, it's good to be queer.

[Curtain falls across the scene. "The End." Credits roll. Mutant Enemy monster stalks across the screen and instead of saying "Grr Arrgh!" he bleats like a goat.]