*****

Master Vampire, Present-Giver and Prince of Darkness caught in sex scandal!

It has been brought to our attention that Angelus: The Scourge of Europe is, in actuality, the lovable and cuddly Santa Claus! Shock hit the newsroom as it was revealed that 'Angelus' is an anagram of 'Santa' (well it is if you spell it wrong) which in turn is an anagram of 'Satan'.

Surveillance pictures of the three have proven that they are one and the same. Angelus is Santa. Santa is Satan. Satan is Angelus. You never see them all in the same picture anyway! (And they all have a fondness for red, but that's beside the point, lack of same location photography of the three quite obviously proves that they're the one person. Suddam Hussein and Kermit the frog are the same person too, but that's next months story)

In the pictures Angelus/Santa/Satan is clearly in the throes of ecstasy, with what appears to be a common variety Christmas tree (decorated all nicely with tinsel and shiny things).... But, this is the deceptively cunning bit, this common variety Christmas tree (decorated all nicely with tinsel and shiny things) is hiding a terrible secret. *cue suspense music* It's a fan of 'WHAM!'...But that's not all! In the picture, what appears to be a common variety Christmas tree (decorated all nicely with tinsel and shiny things) is...*ba ba BA!* AN ELF!

You heard it first ladies and gentlemen. Angelus, Santa, and Satan have been having it off with an elf! But not just any elf, no sirree bob, this elf has *cue fairy music* strange and magical powers from beyond the land of nod *cut fairy music*. Video surveillance footage of Satan/Angelus/Santa's villa in Majorca, Spain shows just how sick, disgusting and perverted this S/S/A character is.

Throughout the video horrible acts of sexual indulgence are committed. And while this reporter was shocked and disgusted (and strangely turned on) decency prevents them from revealing the intimate details of the night (like just how did they get that sheep to do that, and while it was chained to a vending machine).

"But wait", this reporter hears you say (this reporter is quite obviously suffering from schizophrenia and should consult professional help straight away), "back up just a little bit" (normal view, nooorrrmmmaaalll viiieeeww, nooooorrrrrmmmmmaaaaalllll viiiiieeeeewwwwww)

How does Spike (aka William the Bloody, which is an anagram of 'Buy a hotdog', which just goes to show how far the marketing monster has it's claws into commercial television these days *pfft* this reporter is disgusted. This reporter is so far off track it isn't funny. Back to the fun) fit into all this?

It's quite easily explained, actually. While in the aforementioned throes of ecstasy, Angelus/Santa/Satan (father of 'buy a hotdog') 'shot his load' (that's a medical term, look it up) into a pentagram while the elf/Christmas tree (decorated all nicely with tinsel and shiny things) chanted in a loud, booming voice, "Here we go, here we go, here we go. Here we go, here we go, here we go." (Because surveillance cameras are known for being able to pick up sound, especially chanting, surveillance cameras love a good chant)

The viscous goop of Angelus spent passion (great episode, the witch died *cue happy music*) began to glow and from it arose a mighty beast, all horns and slime. Angelus looked at the creature and said "You're only a vague reference in season 3, your time will come. For now get back to the pit of inhumane despair and bring forth 'Buy a hotdog' so that we may wreak havoc upon this godforsaken planet and bring about despair in the form of multi-million dollar merchandising agreements which include badly stacked action figures. BEGONE.......please, Mr. chaos demon sir." (Toldya Angelus was a nancyboy....*skim reads article*...whoops, must do that now....Angelus is a nancyboy)

And with that the viscous goop of Angelus spent passion (He looked like yoda for a brief second in that episode too) reverted back to it's original form (it looked like a rorshack picture to begin with....I saw a field of beautiful sunflowers....that turned into a field of death, destruction and mayhem when the psychiatrist turned his back *muhahahaha*. Back to the fun).

The viscous goop of Angelus spent passion (*insert another vaguely witty remark about the episode here*) then turned into a medium sized festering hole to ultimate despair from which N'Sync's 'Bye, Bye, Bye' could be heard playing amidst the screams and wails of patrons who were obviously having an excellent time. Angelus (quivering nancyboy that he is) stared apprehensively at the hole. The elf/Christmas tree (decorated all nicely with tinsel and shiny things) looked at it's watch and tapped it's foot. The minutes ticked by (and let me tell you, this reporter was not pleased with the 47 minutes of footage containing the Angelus/Satan/Santa person and an elf/Christmas tree (decorated all nicely with tinsel and shiny things) staring at a hole).

All things aside, Free Willy 3 was a shit movie.

Suddenly from the boy band pit of *insert icky word here* there came a grunt and a hand appeared out of the hole. Angelus/Santa/Nancyboy/Satan leaned into the hole and pulled a figure out. Holding him back at arms length (he smelt like the perfume section of a major department store, because the pit of flibbitygibbit smells like that) Angelus/Santa/Nancyboy/Satan stared down at the figure.

"Buy a hotdog, what took you so long?" He said. Buy a hotdog/William The Bloody/Spike looked up at Angelus/Santa/Nancyboy/Satan.

"Sorry, got caught up in a game of twister with some tentacular beasties. S Club 7 was playing...I couldn't just leave half way through the song!"

Angelus/Santa/Nancyboy/Satan shook his head. "When will you ever learn, you can leave after the time warp, you can leave after the nutbush, you can Madison to your hearts content, but if S Club 7 is playing, you wait until the album is finished before leaving!"

Buy a hotdog's face broke into a frown. "Sorry. Must remember that. Silly brain, never worked anyway."

Nancyboy, ahem, sorry, Angelus glared down at Buy a hotdog.

"You're a part of a multi-million dollar industry now, Buy a hotdog. We must get you into shape. Mentally that is, You're quite a lovely physical shape now."

From the corner the elf/Christmas tree (decorated all nicely with tinsel and shiny things) cleared it's throat (much in the same way this reporter did when they accidentally *pfft* called Angelus, Nancyboy....stranger things have happened...for example 'MMMBop managed to stay at number one for a fucking long time.')

"Well anyway, I'll be off now. You've had your fun. Did the whole orgasmic goop thing. You can send the cheque by courier, your prince of darklyness." And with that the elf/Christmas tree (decorated all nicely with tinsel and shiny things) disappeared from the camera's view. (This reporter was actually quite shocked at the departure of the elf/Christmas tree (decorated all nicely with tinsel and shiny things) from the show. Much in the same way this reporter didn't want Brenda to leave BH90210 but won't admit it to her friends.)

Angelus/Nancyboy etc etc shrugged and looked back at Buy a hotdog. (Following is an excerpt of dialogue exchanged between Angelus/etc etc and Buy a hotdog)

"First of all, on this planet you're a 126 year old English vampire. These people are not as advanced as we, the dwellers of the pit, so we'll have to change your name from 'Buy a hotdog'-"

"But I love that name!"

"Well it just won't do. You'll be known as William the Bloody. Your nickname will eventually change to Spike, you'll acquire an insane girlfriend from this reality, and will one day wreak havoc upon a hellmouth in America. You'll taunt a slayer mercilessly, lose the insane girlfriend because you're a moron-"

"Hey! I resemble that remark."

"That's the point, I'm talking about you moron."

"Oh, do continue."

"Lose the insane girlfriend because you're a moron, have a fight with me...so it doesn't look like we're in cahoots with each other..."

"I remember our weekend in Cahoots. Marvellous little island off the coast of Tasmania wasn't it?"

"Those were the days....but anyway, we get into the fight..yadda yadda...You get caught by some whacked out army guys....they implant technology into you, yadda yadda....Christ comes back to earth, we overthrow him, take over earth, and then wonder why we did all this incessant planning....you clear on the plan, buy a hotdog?"

"What? Oh yes, of course. There were an awful lot of 'yadda yadda's' in there....."

"Those yadda yadda's represent a time of economic bounty, in which case we will have a lot of spare time on our hands and we'll spend it necking in Cahoots. Got me?"

"Got you."

"Good. Now, all we have to do is use our brand-new-fandangled-state-of-the-art toaster-cum-time-travel-device to send us back to the earlier parts of the century and then we'll do stuff...Got me?"

"Got you."

"Good. Well....suppose we better get going then."

"Okey-day....mesa no gonna getta fuckoo now?"

"Oh fuck, they were playing The Phantom Menace over and over in the pit of drunken gropes weren't they?"

"Yuh-huh."

"Well in that case....we'll meet up in Cahoots in 1922 for a quick grope, alright?"

"Okey-day, mesa gonna getta fuckoo then."

"Anyway, put your hand on the toaster and we'll be off."

"To see the wizard?"

"Well, Giles and Ethan don't appear in the storyline until the late 90's....but we will see them one day."

"Allllrighty then, lets get this show on the road."

*biffo*

And with that biffo (which this reporter thought was a rather strange sound for a brand-new-fandangled-state-of-the-art toaster-cum-time-travel-device to make) they disappeared into the past.

This reporter found it rather odd and beguiling that all this should take part in his office over the weekend, but stranger things have happened (like the fact that Giles was in an episode of The Young Ones that was transmitted on the 8th of May in 1984).

This reporters final thought: In times of crisis, don't bloody well turn on Jerry Springer.

This has been a Bullshit Production in conjunction with BFO Battleaxe and Somers Carroll for the 9 Network.

#All characters are portrayed badly in this article, except for the elf/Christmas tree (decorated all nicely with tinsel and shiny things) which was played exceptionally badly by Emma Thompson, as a reprise of her role in Sense and Sensibility. Stop reading the small print anyway, don't you have a life?

~Please note that this is entirely fictitious, any harm done to any characters was probably intentional, but anyone who took this work seriously in any way, may take this quote from Fight Club and think about it

"You're a moron."

~fin~