Key:
*** = Angel
+++ = Buffy
### = Spike
*#*# = Spike/Angel

*****

***I don't want you***

Tossing restlessly in bed. His thoughts tumultuous as the memories of the week's previous events marched through his head.

3 days since he'd uttered those fateful words.
3 days since his lover had walked out on him.
3 days cut off from communication with the outside world.

+++I don't need you+++

Bouncing through her mind the words replayed themselves. Over and over in some sort of sadistic stereo. Her eyes filled with tears again.

3 days since he'd told her.
3 days since she'd seen him.
3 years since she'd given him her unconditional love.

###I love you###

The words made no sense to him. So oft had he heard them uttered. So oft had he seen them in the eyes of the person that had meant the most to him for a long time. So oft could he recall fingers trailing down his skin.

Relieving tensions.
Offering hope.
Destroying dreams.

So oft

*******

He rose from his bed, leaving the covers in a jumbled mess at the foot of the bed. He ran his hand across his face and walked to the bathroom, hoping to find some sort of release under the ice-cold torrent of the shower.

The water ran down his back in tiny rivulets. Coursing down and beading on muscled flesh. Tensions crumbled under the steady massaging. Turning the taps off he leant against the wall and stared blankly at the droplets making their way ever downwards to oblivion on the tiles below.

He didn't know why he'd said those things to his love. The reasons just weren't there. He'd had a bad day; the words just tumbled senselessly out of his mouth and caused more irreparable damage.

How could he live with himself?

He couldn't. He was dead. And he knew now that he'd killed his love as well. As soon as the words had come, any life within their body had left. Their vitality, their happiness, their love. All gone. And he was to blame.

He pulled the towel off the rail in the shower and wrapped it around his waist. Slowly padding into the bedroom he sat down on the bed, uncaring of the liquid that dripped onto the floor and bedclothes. What did it matter that his material possessions were being damaged?

He'd hurt the only thing he'd ever cared about.

***I'll be here for you***

He'd said it to so many people. Told them that he would be the carer. He would be there for them when they needed him. He'd been wrong. Whenever somebody had needed him the most, he couldn't give them what they needed.

He couldn't help those in need.
He couldn't be there regardless.
He couldn't.

He couldn't be the man they wanted.

+++I'm fine+++

She'd said the words so often. To her friends. To her mother. To her Watcher. But she had never meant them. How could she be fine when her heart was so close to breaking that the slightest movement could see it fall to a million pieces?

How could they take everything at face value?
How could they not see that the world was empty?
How could they

How could he?

###I can take care of myself###

He knew it was a lie. As much as he wanted to believe he was the carer, that he could take care of anything, any*one*, he knew that he was a bare faced liar. He could take care of his physical self, but emotionally?

He needed to be taken care of.
He needed someone to watch over him.
He needed someone to be there for him.

He needed his lover.

++++++++

She stared blankly at the wall rocking back and forth as she had done for days. Broken. Lifeless. Listless. Unaware of her surroundings and unaware of the feelings that should have been going through her.

He'd told her he didn't love her.

How could he have done this to her?
Why did he want to destroy her like that?
Was there someone else?

She continued to stare at the wall as her thoughts progressed from questions to answers.

He had moved on, she hadn't.
He didn't want to destroy her, he wanted her to understand.
Yes.

She knew it was true. They couldn't be together, she had to find contentment. Even if it killed her. He had found someone who could give him what he needed, she needed to let him have that.

Hopefully his gratification could be hers by proxy. Seeing him in some semblance of happiness (not *really* happy, but happy enough) after they'd experienced so much pain, could be her reward.

And once again, she would be left. Alone.

At that ominous thought a tear slipped down her face. She let go of the past as she knew she must.

She began to tremble and let all the pain wash from her in her tears.

She began to heal.

***I can't be without you***

He'd said it to his love once, and he knew it was true. It had been too long and now it was more true than ever. He'd had a glimpse of what it could be like after all this time, and now he couldn't let go.

He had to have that back.
He had to be with his love.
He had to be allowed to live again.

+++I'll never forget+++

She had said it once, although she didn't know why. She wanted to forget now. Wanted to be without the pain, the utter torment of knowing what love was. She knew now that she would love again, but never with her whole being.

It always hurt so much.
It always ended badly.
It was all she ever had.

###I'm yours###

He had given himself to his lover. Given for all eternity, and he couldn't let that go. He had to keep his word despite the fact that he had been hurt, and had hurt them himself. He belonged to them as much as they belonged to him, and there was no way he could let it slide.

He had to let his love know.
He had to be a part of their life again.
He had to be with them.

########

He walked into the bedroom and sat down on the bed, ignoring the wet patch on the sheets. He stared at the floor in front of himself, suddenly unsure of what to do. He leaned back on the bed and stared at the ceiling.

He'd loved in this bed. He'd learned to love again. He'd been alone for so long after it all happened. And now?

Now he felt alone again.

He could barely bring himself to admit it, but it was tearing him apart. All this loneliness, it wasn't natural. Not that he was all that natural himself. He was a freak in a freaky city. He felt like the small boy in a big city. Although he knew for a fact that he wasn't a small boy.

He didn't understand it. How could he have been without his love for so long, be shown what it was like to have it again, and then have it ripped away without a second thought?

It was wrong. It was so very, very wrong. And he couldn't understand it. He felt he was being jerked around by the Powers That Be. No real fight was being fought. It was just the whimsical notions of the Powers.

They didn't care about him, or his love. He knew they didn't care about him, why should they? Being what he was they had every right not to care about him. But his love?

They should have had at least *some* feeling about that.

His love spent every day fighting the forces of evil. Slowly making a dent in their numbers so that humanity could have at least some chance. And the Powers just jerked them around.

He had faith in his love. He knew that his ray of light within the darkness would triumph.

He knew that despite it all he had to be there for his love, despite his feelings.

And he knew that he always would.

***Why?***

He didn't know anymore. He was alone again. He could never be what anybody wanted him to be. He couldn't even say the right things to the person he loved more than his life. He was clueless.

He didn't know why he'd hurt his love.
He didn't know how badly he'd hurt his love.
He didn't know if his love would ever forgive him

Or could.

+++How?+++

She'd never loved anyone else. She hadn't known what love was until he'd shown her. She didn't know how it had come to this. She would never know how to heal the pain in her heart. But she knew she had to try.

She would be strong.
She would heal.
She would let him heal

His own way.

###When?###

He knew he would have to let his lover know soon. He just didn't know how to say it, or when he should say it. He could feel it all building up within his body. It was going to come to a head soon, he just had to be ready.

He would be ready for his love.
He would be there for his love.
He would be *with* his love

Where he belonged.

*#*#*#*#

He sat up and looked at the door. The light was obstructed by a body. The body hovered in the doorway, as if unsure of what to do. He held his hand out and gestured for them to come in and sit by him.

They moved from the door way and sat beside him, as he had bid. He put his hand on their thigh and looked into their eyes.

"No need to ask, because I forgive you." He said smiling almost shyly.

The figure looked from the hand on his thigh, to his face, thoroughly shocked.

He gave the thigh a small squeeze as a prompt. The figure stopped staring at him like a stunned mullet and threw their arms around him.

"I'm so sorry, Spike." He said, wrapping his arms around the smaller man's waist.

Spike chuckled softly.

"Angel, it's all right. I've forgiven you." He said softly, running his hands over the larger man's hair.

"I didn't mean it. I swear. It was a bad day." Angel said, grasping Spike's middle tightly in his big arms.

"Angel." Spike said warningly, "If you don't stop apologising I'll take my acceptance back."

Angel raised his head to look at Spike's face. Brown eyes met blue, and the pain of the previous days was gone.

"I just want to be sure that there's no lasting injury." Angel said softly, running a finger over the peroxide blonde's cheekbone. Spike leaned into the large hand.

"Only the indigo bruises on my heart." Spike said quietly, "But knowing I have your love is enough to heal them."

Angel leaned forward and pressed a tender kiss on the blonde's lips. He pulled back and smiled down at Spike.

"You're beginning to sound like me." He said softly. Spike snorted derisively.

"In your dreams, you ponce." Spike grinned. "Just shut up and love me."

Angel smiled and pressed another kiss to Spikes lips.

~The End~