Terrible Lie - NIN

hey God, why are you doing this to me?
am i not living up to what i'm supposed to be?
why am i seething with this animosity?
hey God, i think you owe me a great big apology
terrible lie
hey God, i really don't know what you mean.
seems like salvation comes only in our dreams.
i feel my hatred grow all the more extreme.
hey God, can this world really be as sad as it seems
terrible lie
don't take it away from me.
i need someone to hold on to.
hey God, there's nothing left for me to hide.
i lost my ignorance, security and pride.
i'm all alone in a world you must despise.
hey God, i believed that promises, your promises and lies
terrible lie
you made me throw it all away.
my morals left to decay.
how many you betray.
you've taken everything
terrible lie
my head is filled with disease.
my skin is begging you please.
i'm on my hands and knees
i want so much to believe.
don't take it away from me.
i need someone to hold on to.
don't take it away from me.
hey God, i really don't know who i am.
in this world of piss
there's nothing left for me to hide

----------------------------------------------------

Things between Spike and Riley hadn't gotten any better as the week's training progressed. But Xander had to admit the bickering had been pretty much one-sided.

Much to his surprise, Spike was ignoring most of Riley's verbal barbs, and had been concentrating on their education. This both surprised and pleased Xander.he hadn't expected the blonde demon to follow Angel's lead so well, but he sensed there was something a whole lot deeper between them than that kiss he had watched them share over Riley back in the crypt.

He shivers at the thought of that kiss.not over the two vampires, but the kiss itself - it had been, intense to say the least, and he frowns with the realization that he is never getting anything like that out of Riley. In fact, since the bloodletting, Riley has treated him more coldly than before in public, and Xander knows it is never his face that Riley sees when they are rolling around in the dark on Riley's bed. They haven't progressed beyond the dry-humping stage, and Xander fears they never will.

"Whatsa' matter, Pet.sighin' over lost loves?" Spike's voice shakes him out of his reverie, "Friday night, an' ya'd rather be out on the town with yer boy?"

Riley glares at the innuendo, "I've got a date with Buffy when we're through with this, Xander's on his own!"

Xander starts at the harsh tone, slipping into self mockery, "Sorry Spike, ya gotta have a love first, to lose it. So Riley." he raises his voice to the man viciously hitting the punching bag, "Need me to clear out of your love pad for the evening?"

Without offering a glance, or stopping his punishment of the inanimate object Riley responds, "Yeah. that's a good idea Xander."

Xander winces at the emotionless words, muttering, "Prick!" under his breath, and waiting for Spike's inevitable verbal jab.

He is instead surprised by a hand on his shoulder, "If ya got one, ya generally are one, mate.that one's a little worse than most. Ignore it, let's work on yer reflexes." The vampire removes his hand, and stands before Xander; two hands placed palm out in front of him.

Xander stifles a crazy laugh, 'Shit, Spike's being nice to me.this must be one of the signs of the Apocalypse!'

He wills himself to concentrate and begins to respond to the vampires' commands, his own hands shooting out, striking at the offered targets. He smiles as he finds the unsteady rhythm that Spike has been trying to drill into him, the lack of predictability has been the hardest thing for him to grasp.but here he is.doing it!

Spike grins warmly at him, 'damn, the whelp was actually figuring it out!'

Their shared moment broken by Riley's harsh laugh, "Didn't want to interrupt your patty-cakes there, but I'm going to meet Buffy at the Bronze.see ya tomorrow Xander."

Xander walks sullenly away from Spike, sliding down against the wall to sit on the floor. The blonde follows him, sitting next to him, and pulls out a cigarette, lighting it up, taking a long drag of smoke into his dead lungs.

Xander glances up; "Uh.I don't think you're supposed to do that in here."

Spike blows a lazy smoke ring out, "S'okay, I've got special immunity from California laws. Besides.I've seen a lot more unnatural things done in here.yanno?"

Xander's heart skips a beat as he takes in the implication of Spike's words, then lets it go.

Spike watches Xander squirm beside him and sees the strange flash of curiosity in his eyes. "What?" Spike inquires, "What's goin' on in that screwy head of yours?"

"Nothing.Er, can I ask you a question?" Xander timidly requests.

Leaning back against the wall, Spike responds "If ya wanna know somethin', just ask, don't mean I 'ave to answer, but ya' can always ask."

Taking Spikes' sarcasm in stride, Xander sits up straighter, collecting himself "What's it like?" Spike arches his scarred brow and tilts his head, "What's what like?" "What's it like to be . you, not you. not Spike. I mean, a vampire. no. like strong, powerful, and God, am I saying all of this out loud?"

Spike lets out a bemused snicker "You an' the tin soldier fancy playin' creatures of the night? That what this is about?"

Xander, flushes, embarrassment crossing his face, but he presses on "I mean. No. Okay, yes. But what's it like to feel that. power. Like you know you don't need a weapon to take anything down. You're strong enough, to just.do it. Everyone is afraid of you, and everyone. respects you."

Spikes' face now reflects curiosity, as he studies the brunette. "I'm not gonna talk about how daft the respect comment was, because I don't think that's what you're askin' me. To answer the question that I think you're askin'. stop me if I'm wrong here. I think you're askin what's it like to be formidable. 'At's a word, innit?" Laughing, "An, what it's like to be 'formidable'" Pronouncing the last word with exaggerated British, ". well, bein' fierce isn't all we're about."

Taking in Xander's rapt expression, "Na, yer not gettin' it are ya. Yer not talking about me, about vampires, yer talkin' about yerself and ya don't even know it. Ya git! Ya wanna be different, ya wanna be 'special' and you think that's what we are. Yer damn right! But this isn't about the difference between humans and vampires, it's about what yer thinkin' about yerself.and ya've got it all mixed up in yer head with what ya' feel for that stupid mouth breather that just left. Yer kiddin' yerself if ya think yer in the same league as soldier boy there." Spike mentally kicks himself as he sees the crest fallen expression on the boys' face.then, kicks himself again for caring.

Taking a drag on his cigarette, he puts one arm loosely around the boys' shoulders, "Look, yer takin' this wrong, I mean yer better than him. Ya think he'd run into battle to save 'is mates without checkin' the odds first? Not that one. But you - yer as loyal as blood, don't give a wit about yerself when yer kin are in danger. Gotta admit I admire ya for that."

Xander allows himself to relax under Spike's comforting arm, "Really?" he squeaks "You admire me?!"

"Yeah, fer the loyalty thing, other than that.yer on yer own. And breathe a word o' this little chat here, an' I'll remind ya what the 'Bloody' is for in me name."

"Threat acknowledged, human subdued." jokes a much more relaxed Xander.

"Right, c'mon then, let's get goin'!"

"Uh, where?" Xander asks.

"Ya got no place to go, ya can come help me break in my new Playstation.. Tall dark an' broody bought it for me, but he won't play it!"

Spike's grin fades at the expression and scent of fear flowing off of Xander, "What now? What is it?"

Xander draws his knees up to his chest, "Angel.no.I, uhm, I'll be fine, Spike.you go home."

"Now what has the great Poofter done to make ya all scared-like? Did he growl at ya? Don't worry, jes' his way."

Xander shivers, whispering out, "Angelus."

Spike sits back in stunned silence, staring at the boy, finally asking, "When?"

Xander focuses on a distant point, speaking to no one in particular, "Right before the Judge.he.he grabbed me outside of the library. He said it was a present.for The Slayer! He dragged me back inside. He beat me until I begged. and then he said he'd give me something to beg for. God, Spike.he.he.Oh God!"

Sobbing, he leans into the cool arm of the blonde vampire, "Shhhhhh, Pet. I know. Been there more times than I can tell ya.but at least I expected it. Was his right as my Sire. Ya know twasn't Angel, right? Ya' know ya' can trust this one?"

Spike is shocked by the vehemence in Xander's reply, "Trust him? Spike - he never said one - word - about - it ! Nothing. He came back, apologized to everyone.groveling, but not one word to me. No, "sorry for raping and beating you there, Alexander.did the bleeding ever stop?", NOTHING! Christ, I wasn't even worth that! Now I'm a fuckin' mess! I'm doing. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. but I'm doing it with my best friend's boyfriend! Now I'm gay??!!! I never even once thought about this shit before!! Did I like it?! Like, on some bizarre masochistic level, did I want it??? Did I ask for it??? I wake up sweating and panting in the middle of the night, and I can SMELL him!!! I can still taste him if I close my eyes and try hard enough! I can still see him, everywhere I am, he's there! Now look at me! Pretending. Everything is normal. It's not fucking normal! It's never gonna be normal again! I'm." And his tortured sobs wrack the body that Spike pulls into a fierce and protective embrace.

Finally Xander's body stops shuddering, hiccuping slightly, he pushes his head back, "You know what, Spike?"

"What's that, then?" Spike asks softly.

"He did it so I would tell Buffy, so it would hurt her.and I never did. Never told anyone. until now. He didn't break me!"

"Damn right! Hold on to that lad.not many people meet Angelus and don't break.you're a rare one!"

Coming to himself, Xander pulls away, wiping away the tracks of his tears, "Sorry.got your shirt wet."

"Not important, mate. What is important, is ya' understand that Angelus is not the monster that came back - he wasn't the Angelus I knew. an' this new one.'e's somethin' else all t'gether."

Xander shakes his head, "You say that, but you can't know what it's like to have him in my head.to see that face. he's wearing the same face. He's haunting me, he's all I can think about." his breath catches, "Maybe my ears understand.the rest of me.shit, why didn't he say anything, Spike?" eyes pleading for an explanation.

"I 'spect he didn't have the words ta' cover that much damage. An' as fer not understandin' what it's like to have that face haunting you.yer wrong about that.no one else but me understands!" Spike pulls the youth close to him, "I wish you knew, Xander." He whispers into the young man's ear.

Xander turns in the embrace, peering through tear-laden lashes. Spike gives him an appreciative smile and cocks his head to the side, running a hand up Xander's back and resting it on the nape of his neck. "I can see why he chose you, don't agree with the means he employed to bed you, but gods, child, you are world class cherry. You haven't a clue, have you?"

Xander closes his eyes and leans into Spikes' arms, "I don't know what that means, but it sounds nice." Xander finishes.

Spike lets his head fall back against the wall, and looks up at the ceiling. "Look, let's get ya' to the witches'.you'll be safe and more comfortable there.go get yerself washed up."

With a muffled "M'kay.", Xander stands and walks away.

Spike turns to see a pale face watching from the shadows of the other room. So only his Sire can hear, "Back off, Angel! Yer gonna make this right, but not tonight!"

The face sighs and vanishes back into the shadows.

"Spike!" Willow squeals in delight as she opens her dorm room door, "And Xander!"

Xander puts on his happy face as he walks into her arms, "Hey, Wills.think you and Tara can put up with me for the night? Riley and Buffy are getting busy back at his place."

"Well, sure we can, of course! We can have a slumber party! What do you say, Tara.break out the chocolate and watch bad movies?"

Willow smiles at her girlfriend, "Um, yeah! That sounds like fun! We'll even let Xander hold the remote!" Tara gives Xander a lop-sided grin.

Relaxing with his friends, Xander flops down on their bed, "Right.like that was ever a question, I am Remote King!"

Willow giggles and turns back to Spike, "Oh! Spike, please.come in, you are welcome here!"

Spike grins at her, "Thanks for the invite, Red.but I've gotta get back to Angel. Ya take care of our boy there." He winks at her and leaves.

"What the bloody hell were ya thinkin' with, Angel?" He growls at the seated man. "I mean, ya come crawlin' back to apologize to Buffy fer the torture, ta Giles fer killin' his little tart, but not a word to the whelp about rum, sodomy an' the lash?"

"I know, Will, I know.but what could I say? He kept his mouth shut about it at the time, I assumed he didn't want to talk about it."

Getting right into his Sire's face, "The fuck ya did! YOU'RE the one who didn't want to talk about it! An' look at 'im.he's so fuckin' confused, 'e doesn't know which way is up! 'Is bastard father beats him, 'is friends let 'im play the buffoon while 'es savin' their arses, and you bloody well ferget to tell him yer sorry for rapin' and beatin' him.as a bloody gift fer the Slayer! Christ on tha' bleedin' cross man, time ta' face up to the whelp! You took him because you wanted him!"

Angel looks at Spike with pained eyes, "He wanted him." Angel offers lamely.

Spike growls at his Sire, "You can spread your pompous soul bullshit t'everybody else, but don't you dare try to lie to me! YOU wanted him, and YOU took him. An' it was your shame over it that stopped ya from apologizin' to the boy. Hell.maybe yer not even really sorry!"

Angel starts at the accusation, then hangs his head, "You're right Will, you're right. I took him! I wanted him, gods, what have I done?

Spike offers no comfort and stands staring at the dark man. Angel finally sighs and, then asks, "His father beats him? How do you know that?"

Spike sighs with exasperation, "I lived with the boy after I got the bloody fuckin' chip.saw an' heard more than I wanted to.an' couldn't do a damn thing about it!"

Spike sits next to Angel, his voice growing softer, "Look luv, the boy is takin' it at home, whether it's his Da' or that soddin' soldier boy, an' he's taken' shit from his friends all his life, well-meanin' tho they are, and now 'es got Angelus hangin' out in that little brain of 'is. No wonder he wants to be turned!"

Angel turns to his lover in dismay; "He said that?"

Spike puts an arm around Angel, pulling him close, "Not in so many words, Pet, but yeah.he wants ta run away and be somethin' big and bad that can't be hurt any more. An' I think that seein' you again has reminded him that he isn't safe."

Angel leans into Spike's body, finding some comfort there, "Will. I wanted him. I destroyed him. How can I talk to him?"

Moving his hands through Angel's hair, Spike whispers, "I don't know, Pet.but yer gonna have to try."

"Will?" Angel asks quietly.

"Yeah, luv?"

"Why do you care.about Xander?"

Spike laughs, "Fuck if I know.maybe because I know what it's like to be on the receivin' end of your wrath."

*****
Part 18:

Glycerine - Bush

Must be your skin I'm sinking in
Must be for real 'cause now I can feel
And I didn't mind it's not my kind
Not my time to wonder why
Everything's gone white
And everything's grey
Now you're here now you're away
I don't want this remember that
I'll never forget where you're at
Don't let the days go by

I'm never alone
I'm alone all the time
Are you at one
Or do you lie

Our old friend fear and you and me

------------------------------------------------

Spike sits by the wall, watching his two students fight. Xander seems more in control of himself than ever, giving as good as he gets from Riley.

Although the two are well padded, they are both sparring with such ferocity that there are going to be bruises tomorrow. Xander squints as a drop of sweat stings one eye and barely dodges a sharp kick from his room-mate, "Easy there, tiger!" he pants out.

"Why Xander?" Riley huffs back at him, "Can't take it?"

His gloved fist shooting out, barely missing Xander's chest, instead clipping his shoulder as the brunette feints sideways. Xander takes the hit and keeps moving, one leg shooting out low, catching Riley's ankle and tumbling him.

Giddy with his success, he jumps on Riley, pinning him to the mat, "Can take it, can give it!"

Leaping up, he turns to Spike for accolades, and stops short, seeing Angel standing next to the seated vampire. "Good work, Xander." Angel says, his tone even, "Will says you've improved quite a bit, and it shows."

"Uh.thanks." Xander stammers out, as he turns to hide his confusion and discomfort, pulling off his gloves.

Riley gets up, "Yeah, good job, Xander."

Avoiding Angel's hard gaze, Riley glances at Spike, "Spike, I'm outta here!"

The blonde gets up, "Sure, ya both can leave. Good work tonight!"

Riley turns to Xander as he leaves, "I got some, uhm, things to do Xander.I'll see you later."

Xander's discomfort level rises as he is left alone with the two vampires, and is amped up a few notches when Spike says, "C'mon Xan.we're gonna walk ya home."

"Hey.that's okay, I'm fine.not a problem! I'm sure you guys have er, important, demon stuff to do. Don't even worry about it.no need for you to be escorting me home, no siree, I'll be fine!" Xander babbles.

Spike ignores his protests, "Not a problem, mate.now lead the way!"

Xander sighs and walks out of the magic store flanked by the two demons. Soon, as the sidewalk narrows, he finds himself walking with Angel by his side, Spike walking a few paces behind humming some deranged melody. Other than that, they trudge along in silence.

He hazards a glance at the dark vampire, and is shocked to read what looks like nervousness on the dark features! His eyes shift back apprehensively to his shoes, and he lets out an undignified "Eep!" when Angel clears his throat.

"That really was pretty good back there, Xander. Riley's been training at hand-to-hand longer than you, and you truly caught him off balance."

"Uhm.yeah, got kind of lucky I think, but thanks. This was a good idea, I, er.feel more prepared for the next patrol. And, uh.Spike has been really.good." Xander blathers.

"Good? I'm supposed to be evil, mate. Ta very much!"

Thankful for Spike's presence, Xander looks back, "Sorry man, I mean Spike has been a bad, evil coach!"

Angel responds dryly, "Yes, I'm familiar with that side of him."

Xander's eyes widen, "You made a joke.right? That was like, a joke!"

Spike grins at him, "Almost, pet.almost!"

Xander jerks to a stop, "Oh! This is Riley's place.we're here."

He walks up the steps slowly, realizing with trepidation that the two are still following him, "Uhm, you guys wanna come in?" 'Please please please say no!' his mind chants.

"Thanks, Pet.I'm just gonna have a smoke here for a minute, you an' Angel go ahead." Spike smiles, and lights a cigarette.

Shivering, Xander opens the door, turns and finds Angel hesitating on the threshold. "Oh! Right! Uh, come in, Angel."

Angel looks at Xander, then walks in behind the human, closing the door softly.

Xander sits down nervously on the far edge of the couch, biting back the fear threatening to make him scream as Angel sits down right next to him. "Xander.I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to talk to you."

The boy shifts uncomfortably, "Spike told you." He states simply.

"Well, more like he yelled at me.

Xander's jaw drops, "Spike yelled at you?"

Angel smiles, "Yes, there was definitely yelling. And he was right. I've been incredibly stupid and selfish in not talking to you about what happened, about what I.did."

Xander groans and puts his head in his hands.

"Gods, Xander.I'm so sorry! There aren't enough words to say how sorry I am that I hurt you, how wrong it all was.and I should have talked to you sooner.but I was.I am so ashamed."

Xander looks up, into Angel's eyes, reading the truth there, but unwilling to accept the apology, "That's it? That's all you have to say about kidnapping me, raping me until I bled and then laughing as you kicked me out into the street?"

Angel sighs, "You're right. I can never find the words to fix what I did."

Xander's head jerks up in anger, "Damn right you can't fix it! Nothing you could ever say or do could 'fix it'! I'm damaged.do you understand? I don't think I've slept through one night since then that you haven't been there!"

Angel placates, "I wish I could take away the nightmares, take away the."

Xander stands and shouts, "The nightmares? They aren't all nightmares, you fucker! You wanted to break me?!!! Congratulations, I'm broken! Now I'm fucking PRETENDING to be YOU, to get my MALE lover off, and, oh yeah, and he just happens to be Buffy's boyfriend! Everything was o.k. before you came and FUCKED ME UP!!"

Quietly, Angel says, "Xander. You need to hear me. Let me finish. Please sit down so I can talk to you."

Xander stares at him with red eyes and slumps sullenly next to Angel. The vampire continues, "Xander, I wanted you. It wasn't just about Angelus trying to get revenge on the Slayer. I had no right to violate you the way I did. I won't blame the demon for this. And I have no right to ask for your forgiveness. I wanted you.I'm sorry."

Xander looks at him wickedly, "You're sorry? You're sorry for wanting me? I'm not angry because you wanted me! I'm angry because you took." his voice trailing off, "because you took what I would have given to you." Xander's head slumps down, his anger spent with his confession.

Angel reaches out a tentative hand to Xander's shoulder, almost shocked when the boy doesn't pull away. Encouraged, he uses his other hand to slowly pull the boys' head up to face him, "You would have given me?" he asks incredulously. Xander's eyes are brimming with tears as he nods his head.

Angel moves closer, bringing his mouth softly to Xander's, claiming his lips in a gentle kiss. Xander sighs audibly into Angel's touch, his lips parting in invitation. As Angel pulls away, Xander looks deeply into those eyes he has dreamed about and with no accusation whispers, "It hurts."

Angel's soul cries out at this simple statement, cutting deeply into him. He can only answer the pain with his lips, tasting it on the soft mouth, trying to breathe it in. Wishing he could pull the pain out, he deepens the kiss, his mind reeling as he feels Xander's arms reaching around him to hold him tightly. Angel's lips part as Xander's tongue licks tentatively. The demon allows this tender exploration without giving in to his own passion.

Xander's kisses become more insistent, his hips begin to rock towards Angels' and the vampire finally pulls away. Xander pants, looking at him questioningly, "What? What happened? Why did you stop?"

Angel stares at the boy in front of him, searching for the words, "Xander.I can't! If this goes any further I won't want to stop."

Xander blinks, "I thought.this is what you wanted."

Angel places a hand on Xander's flushed cheek and chokes out, "It is! But I can't."

Xander smiles sadly, "Oh. Spike. Sorry."

Angel returns the smile, "You have nothing to apologize for. That was. this isn't about sex. This is about me kissing you.not someone else I wish you were.just me wanting you."

"I want you too." The straightforward declaration coming from those beautiful full lips, he views Xander's face flushed with desire, Angel can barely control the tempest raging inside of him.

He finally collects himself enough to ask, "You can forgive me?"

Xander's eyes grow dark "I didn't say I forgive you. I said I want you."

It's his expression; the boy is giving him the same look that his Will used to give him. The hardened glare from those deep brown eyes, eyes that have seen far too much pain for their years, framed perfectly by a cherub's face. It was Will all along, a warm, living, breathing Will.

Angel closes his eyes, and leans into Xander, effectively guiding him onto his back "Take what you want." He whispers into Xander's ear, a hushed moan from below him.

Xander brings his lips to Angels' once again, parting them with his tongue. He slips a hand under Xander's neck, pulling him deeper into the kiss, while the other hand gently glides down the youths' writhing body. Xander begins pressing his hips against Angel's, rocking and thrusting.

Angel pulls away from the kiss, and buries his head against the cushion of the couch. He begins returning his own thrusts against Xander's persistent movements. He starts to lick and kiss Xander's ear, softly whispering "Gods, I want to be inside of you. Feel you surround me, feel your body, taste you. take you there." Xander moans, and arches his chest against Angels', still pressing their hips together.

"Ahhh. Xander. I want to take you. so right. Show you. show you how it should be." Pinning Xander's hips with his hand, Angel begins to grind up against him, fucking him through his pants.

"This what you need, Childe? Need to feel me want you? Feel how hard I am for you. Will that take you there?" Heavy lidded eyes are glazed over, and Xander's moans and strained movements are indicating his approaching release. His mouth open, short and heavy pants escaping his lips.

"Come for me, Childe." Angel continues his long, precise strokes, expertly building up the friction between them.

"Angel! I need to touch you! Please."

The vampire bites down on his bottom lip and chokes out "Not now, just come for me."

"Please Angel. I have to feel you."

"Xander, I can't." Xander's hips still, and his head falls to the side, staring blankly off into the bedroom.

"Talk to me." Angel coaxes. "Look at me, and talk to me."

"Just go, Angel. Just leave."

"Xander, you have to understand. I want you; there's no question about that. But I belong to Will. I won't do that to him."

"'Kay. you don't have to. I won't make you do anything."

Angel, feeling as if he's been hit in the jaw, moves his body from the boy, sitting on the floor next to the couch. "I'm sorry Xander, I didn't mean. I should have stopped. I can't hurt Will. I can't fix this."

Xander shoots an accusatory glance at the demon by his feet. "So. what is. all of this" gesturing at himself and Angel "What is this? What was going on? Do I remind you of him, or something?"

Angel hangs his head "I. I think so."

"FUCK! It's never ME, is it? Everyone wants something or someone else. Just LEAVE. Stop fucking with me, and just GO!"

"I didn't mean it like that, Xander." Silently cursing himself for the youth misunderstanding his response, "I meant, when I said you reminded me of him, I meant that you share the same qualities."

"Oh gee, thanks, that makes everything all better, Xanman feelin all warm and fuzzy here." Xander's sarcasm lies heavy in the room.

"That's exactly what I'm talking about, Childe. You protect yourself with humor, but underneath, there's this darkness. You hide yours better, though."

Xander closes his eyes and turns towards the back of the couch, not wanting to hear Angel's words. "You think nobody listens to you. We hear you. We see what they don't."

"I really don't want to be this pathetic, Angel."

"Turn around, Xander, and look at me." Xander turns back to face him, looking completely. broken. "Come home with us."

"What??!!"

"Come home with us, Xander."

"Oh, right. Like, unchipped Spike isn't gonna get all fangy over the fact that I just got groiny with his boyfriend. Sure, that makes lots of sense."

Ignoring the boy's protests, Angel continues "What's going on here, with Riley, it's. honestly, Xander, it's just going to destroy you."

"I know. But what about Spike? You don't think he's gonna have a huge problem with what just happened? I mean, not just with me, but with you."

"Will is. he's fine with this. He. understands things."

"Hello. Cryptic guy. Wanna expand on that? I mean. 'understands things' doesn't explain a whole lot."

"Look, Xander - Will and I, we share the same. tastes, I guess that would be the simplest explanation I can offer."

"Are you saying. Spike. he wants to."

"Gods Childe! Is it so inconceivable that someone finds you attractive, that someone wants you?!"

"Yes."

Angel moves alongside the couch, "You deserve more than this. The offer stands, if you haven't anywhere to go, you're welcome with us. No one is going to hurt you, I'll see to that." Angel stands and moves towards the door, placing his hand on the knob, he turns, "And Xander. End this, before Buffy finds out."

The door opens, and then Xander is alone.

Angel lifts his head as he closes the door, and is met by the sight of his Childe growling low and blocking the way of a very pissed off looking Riley.

Spike turns to his Sire; "Did you take care of 'im? Everythin' settled?" Angel nods tersely, not bothering to look at Riley who is fuming on the steps below.

"What the hell is going on?! What were you doing in there with Xander? What do you mean, 'taken care of'?"

Spike snarls back at the human, "None of yer bloody business ya wanker!"

Further tirade from Riley is cut short by Xander's appearance on the doorstep. His stance is a little straighter, and his eyes are clear as he assesses the scene. "Spike. Angel. Thanks for bringing me back. Riley.you coming in, or not?"

Riley, surprised by the serious tone of his room-mate nods and follows Xander back into the apartment, throwing a glare back at the two vampires.

Angel stares at the closed door for a moment before turning to his companion. Spike leans against the railing, his senses taking in the sight and scent of his Sire. Smoke threads through barely parted lips, "So.how is the whelp?"

The dark demon doesn't pause, but keeps walking towards his Childe, closing the distance between them and bending his head down. Possessively he captures the blonde's lips in a hard kiss, savoring the scent of smoke and desire he finds there. Delighting in the way his Will's lips part to him, cool mouth open to his claiming. Wrapping a hand around the back of the smaller man's neck he pulls away from the kiss, but not the contact, "I gave him an invitation. The rest is up to Xander."

The blonde vampire smiles wickedly as he flicks his cigarette stub away, "Don't see how he can resist, Pet. Best get home, company's coming!"

*****
Part 19:

Dance With Me - Lords of the New Church

Let's dance little stranger
Show me secret sins
Love can be like bondage
Seduce me once again
Burning like an angel
Who has heaven in reprieve
Burning like the voodoo man
With devils on his sleeve
Like an apparition
You don't seem real at all
Like a premonition
Of curses on my soul
The way I want to love you
Well it could be against the law
I've seen you in a thousand minds
You've made the angels fall
Oh come on little stranger
There's only one last dance
Soon the music's over
Let's give it one more chance.
Take a chance with me
In my world of fantasy.
Won't you dance with me?
Ritual fertility.

-------------------------------------------------

Xander swirls the liquid around in the half empty bottle, watching in fascination at the way the color lingers for a moment on the side of the glass before slipping down. Not much, but enough to do the job.which was to forget. If he can just forget for a little while, pretend his life is normal.

He snorts out loud at that thought. Normal. When has his life ever been just that? Well then, normal for Sunnydale, and it used to be a little easier. Easier before he became Xander the demon magnet.

He takes a long swig on the bottle, choking as the harsh liquid burns down his throat. "Why would anyone willingly drink this stuff?" he asks the empty room. No answer. Lightheaded from not having eaten since lunch, the alcohol slips straight to his brain.

A sudden solution presents itself. He is not a demon magnet. Demons are Xander magnets. Yup, that's it. Perfect sense. He sighs and wraps his lips around the bottle again, nope not drunk enough yet.

This time, the drink goes down more easily, feels just a little warm and comforting. He opens his eyes, his gaze falling on the pile of debris against the wall. Just a little reminder of his parting chat with Riley.

"What the hell was going on in here, Xander? Why were you in here alone? Alone with him?" Riley had shouted at him.

Xander noted the tension in the other man's body; his stance almost ready to hurl a punch, his fists already clenched. He had sighed. This was one more thing in a very strange day that he did not need. There was no artifice in his reply, no wit, none of the trademark Xander humor. That and the content of what he said probably kept the soldier from pummeling him right then and there. "He kissed me."

Riley deflated. Xander almost felt sorry for him. "He kissed you?!?" Riley whispered the question.

Xander laughed, "Yeah.I'm having a little trouble believing it myself. But it happened."

Riley cringed at his room-mate's laughter, "And then what? He kissed you and then what?" he approached Xander rapidly, grabbing him by the shirt, "Tell me, Xander. Or so help me, I'll - "

The strain of the day finally caused something to snap in Xander and he leered into Riley's face, "And I kissed him back, Riley. There. You happy now? 'Cause I know he was! Know what else Riley? He's a much better kisser than you are!"

He yelped as Riley shoved him roughly away, stumbling and catching himself on the table. The look in Riley's eyes was not pleasant, if Xander knew what was good for him; he would just keep his mouth shut.

If only. "Yeah, you like it a little rough, don't you Riley?"

Xander's mind was losing the war with his mouth, "What is it about me and Buffy's boyfriends? They either want to punch me or fuck me."

Yep, that was the wrong thing to say his mind informed him as Riley landed a punch to his stomach that doubled him over. Despite the pain, Xander began laughing. Riley loomed over him, daring him to say anything. When Xander's slightly hysterical laughter subsided, he looked up. His roommate was just staring at him.

There was no expression on the ex-soldier's face when he spoke, "That won't happen again."

Xander smiled, "Why Riley? You sorry?"

"No" the man said, "I'm leaving. That's why it won't happen again."

Xander slumped against the couch, no retort on his lips. He watched as Riley slammed his belongings together.

He could see that Riley was getting angrier and angrier, as evidenced by the objects being hurled against the wall. One shatted beer mug. One clock radio. One dirty coffee cup.

Riley's body was visibly shaking with rage as he stood before Xander with his duffel bag. "Why you?" he asked between clenched teeth.

Xander smiled up at him sadly, "'Cause I'm Xander, I'm a demon magnet."

Riley shook his head, trying to keep his body under control, "Rents paid through next Tuesday. I'll call Buffy once I'm out of town. And Xander?" The brunette just continued to look at him, "Xander. Fuck you!" With that, Riley was gone.

Xander began to shake a little with belated fear, "Yeah." He said to no one in particular, "That seems to be today's theme."

There wasn't much liquor left in the bottle, and this was making Xander sad. That and the desolation of the empty apartment. It had been Spartan before, but now it was just empty. Just Xander, a few pieces of cheap furniture, and his thoughts knocking around in it. And Xander's thoughts were scaring him.

Thoughts of Angel grinding up against him, the clean sent of his hair, the feeling of his strong hands on Xander's hips. The words spoken with lust and longing that even now shot straight to his groin.

The voice of Angel was quickly superceding his other memories of Angelus, "Gods, I want to be inside of you" "Taste you." "Show you." "feel me want you. Feel how hard I am for you." Xander's hand moves to the erection pressing painfully against his jeans. The memories caressing him as though Angel's body were still pressed against him.

He can still feel the pressure of that cool mouth on his, still taste the vampire's mouth. The memory of the desire for more, forcing his eyes open, forcing him to realize where he is. Angel is not there. Angel left. Angel offered. \

Xander takes a quick swig from the bottle as his mind flies back to the offer. Spike. Angel and Spike. Fuck! Since when did the evil undead invade his wet dreams? Since when did two vampires want him for more than a snack?

And there was no misinterpreting Angel's statement about Spike 'understanding', about Spike 'wanting' him. Those were the terms. No Angel without Spike.

That didn't seem like such a bad thing, now did it? Xander! Bad Xander!

"Must be the alcohol." He muttered to himself. But suddenly his mind is flooded with images of the two demons, powerful, cool bodies pressed into his. Strangely, his mind isn't balking at the images, instead it just feels.right.

Xander had no super powers. He wasn't the Chosen Slayer, he wasn't a witch, no werewolf, not an ex-demon, he was just Xander. And Xander was what these two supernatural beings wanted. They saw him. They understood.

The question is, he asks himself, does he have the courage to look back? Xander looks down at his hand, cupped around his denim-clad erection. The more he moves his hand over his arousal, the more he wants someone else's hand there. "Hands. Plural." he clarifies out loud to himself.

At that thought, his head falls back on the sofa, his mind spinning with arousal and alcohol. Two pairs of hands, stripping him, caressing him, pulling at him. He reaches to his side for the whiskey, promptly spilling it on himself as he tries to drink from that position. "Shit!" he curses at his clumsiness, then shrugs and pulls the rest of the liquid into his mouth.

He sits, trying to assess his state, Xan-man aroused and a little drunk, also known as the Friday night special. Not this night, he vows to himself. Not when he can be there.with them. Not a reason on the damn Hellmouth why he should be sitting here alone when he could be.

As he shoots to his feet, whiskey laced blood starts rushing through him, and he weaves. "Whoa.not the hardened drinker I thought I was!" he laughs, "Well, only one thing for it, a little walk should straighten me out."

He almost doubles over in laughter, "Straight.me! Yeah, I'm going to a dark mansion to find out if two gorgeous vampires really want to have their wicked way with me. It's gonna take more than a walk to straighten me out!"

The chilly night air has helped relieve his earlier arousal, but his face is still flushed from drinking more than he is accustomed to.

There was a point, about a block from Riley's apartment where he actually considered turning around. As if on cue, Angel's voice cut through his hesitation like a knife, remembered words shattering him, "show you how it should be".dear god, if words alone could control him, what would it be like to actually be with those two? His imagination does everything it can to help him figure that out, and he finds himself almost jogging the rest of the way.

Blood and alcohol are coursing through his body, warring with raging hormones. It's not fear making his hand shake as he reaches out to knock on the heavy oak door.it is an almost blinding desire and curiosity that has him completely possessed.

He feels almost detached as the door opens.

*****