*****

Why?

I feel the tears seeping down my face as I stare at the ceiling of my room. Why? Why did I think there was something more than simple lust between us, why did I let myself fall? He hates me. I was nothing but an easy lay for him.

Why?

~ Flashback ~

I am content, laying in the arms of my vampire lover. My lover.

I love him.

I don't know how it is possible. A few change meetings, one exchange of blowjobs, one night together- and I am lost.

I sigh as he starts to move. He slowly stirs awake, and I look at his angelic face as he slowly opens his eyes, and I see...

Contempt.

He smirks lazily and disengages himself from me. His eyes are cold and mocking as he sits up.

"You're pretty good for a virgin, LaVelle," he says, his voice hard and full of arrogance. "Now, get out of here."

Pain.

Pain lances thorough my heart at his words. Why is he saying this, why is he so... cold? Last night we shared something, something I have wanted to share with him from the first moment I saw him... and now he's like this.

"Didn't you hear me, boy? Get lost. I don't want you around here. You weren't that good."

It hurts. Slowly I rise and don my clothes, my mind numb with shock and pain. What happened to that wonderful, kind, caring person I spent the night with? I am out of his apartment before I even notice. It's daylight.

I stumble towards my house, trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I am nothing but an one-nighter for him. Nothing but a way to alleviate his boredom. The sun is bright and hurts my eyes. I haven't cried, but I feel like crying. I want to cry until there's nothing left, no pain, no love, nothing.

I manage to stumble into my home. Thank Gods my foster parents aren't home. I couldn't face them. Not now. I manage to get to my room, I have no idea how, and I just plop down on the bed.

Pain.

The tears start flowing from my eyes.

~ end Flashback ~

I have stared the ceiling for hours. I have cried all this time, my mind still trying to grasp why he did what he did. How he managed to fool my Force senses. I close my eyes and start falling inside my mind. I reach out to my memories of the encounter, like an emotional Memorex. I search in vain. I was a fool. He managed to fool me. It was my own fault...

No.

Suddenly I can sense something in my memories, a magical twinge. I play the moment again, searching for the twinge.

Fuck.

It's his soul.

It's gone.

No, not gone, I realize, but... twisted. Warped.

Sickened.

I snap out of my trance, and my eyes fly open. I curse gingerly and rise into a sitting position.

Ow. It hurts.

My muscles are stiff from just laying there, and I still ache pleasurably from our lovemaking. I let myself flash into my true form for a moment to help to dull the ache.

No use. It's more mental than physical.

Suddenly, the phone rings. I scramble to answer.

"Hello?" I croak.

"Xander? Why weren't you at the school today?" Willow's voice asks, concerned.

For a moment, I am unable to answer. "Wills, I..." my voice breaks.

"What is it, Xander?" the familiar nickname brings some comfort. Art least she doesn't call me LaVelle... like he does.

Suddenly, I realize it's dark outside. Has been for several hours. "I'm fine, Willow, it's just... one of *those* things.

"Aha." She replies. "*Those* things." She knows I'm referring to things related to my demonity. "So... you coming to the Bronze? I and Buffy are going..." she suggests.

Should I go? Could I bear the possibility of seeing *him*. And, of course, I'd have to bear Buffy and her infuriating airheadness. "Sure," I hear myself saying. I glance at my watch. "Let's say we meet there in a hour, how's that?"

"Great!" she gushes, "See you there! Bye!"

"Bye." I reply and end the call. I sigh as I head to the shower, my mind numb once again. How can I go on pretending nothing happened? It's not that I can go and say 'Oh, I went and slept with Angel and by the way he's a souled vampire.'

Why?

It still goes around my head as I wash myself. The water is cold, and reminds me from his touch. No, bad Xander. No thinking Angel. Not now. Somehow, it makes sense when I think about it. No, I want it to make sense. If something's affected his soul, then we might have a change...

No.

No more wishful thinking. He doesn't care about me. Period. End of the story. How can't I bring myself into accepting it? I think nothing as I dress myself and walk to the Bronze. I hear someone scream at the back alley, but I don't care.

As I enter the Bronze my mood darkens even more. These young people, who have no idea what is out there... It is so sad. So sad to know that they are prime prey to the creatures of night.

"Xander!" Willow calls from 'our' table. I smile as I approach her.

"Hi, Willow, is Buffy here?" I ask. The moment I mention the Slayer's name, I feel an icy tendril of fear worm its way thorough my guts, and I think of Angel. If she's killed him, I'll make sure she'll die the most horrible way I can imagine.

"Ummm... Dancing." Willow says, and I can hear the jealousy in her voice. Poor Willow. She is falling for Buffy big time.

I sit next to her. I glance at the dance floor, trying to see Buffy.

A slow song is playing. I can't see her in the mass of bodies, but soon I catch a glimpse of familiar blond hair.

Oh Fuck.

She's dancing. Dancing really hot. With *my* Angel.

She is rubbing herself all over him like a bitch in heat. A murderous jealousy and hate flare inside me, and I can feel my true features trying to slide forward.

I grip the table hard enough to crack it. I draw a deep breath, trying to calm down. "He's mine," I growl quietly, "Not yours, bitch." Willow looks at me.

Oh shit.

She heard me.

"You have a thing for him?" she asks.

I nod, and let out a bitter laugh. "You could say that. I slept with him. He's a vampire." I hear a sharp intake of breath.

"A-Are you sure?" she asks, "When was he vamped? By who? Do you know?"

I smile slightly. "By Darla, over two hundred years ago. He's one of the fucking Master's favorites. Or was, is the correct term. He's now souled.

Suddenly, my heart explodes in pain and rage. I see something I would never, ever want to see.

He is looking at her, eyes filled with love.

He is kissing her.

No.

It can't be.

"No." I whisper, as I feel my consciousness slip into darkness.

*end*