POV: Spike

Spike squinched himself further down inside the wide, high-backed armchair in one corner of Angel�s living-room. He stared at the slip of paper in his hand blankly � Xander�s list � while his fingers rubbed the wrinkled paper absently. There was a sad smile of fondness on his otherwise blank face as Spike thought about the bits of red licorice he was supposed to have cleaned up.

He thought about the fact that he�d been holding this same slip of paper when the strange sensations had turned to shared feelings, washing through his awareness with surprising force; he knew what it was now, what had happened. There was some kind of link between him and Xander because of Spike�s claim, his marking and accepting the offered (?) blood � it had to have been offered otherwise he couldn�t have shared his blood-kiss with his pet without having his brains zapped by the friggin chip.

There was a link; something for him to work with. A part of Xander maybe not completely lost, just out of reach right now.

And then there was Angel, or Angelus � Grand-Sire. Spike�s feelings for the older Master vampire were still deep, deeper now after the intense communion of blood when Angel had restored him � saved his life.

Spike didn�t know how to deal with that. That Angel had risked daylight, the deadly rays of the sun to find him; because he�d felt the younger vampire�s pain. He didn�t know what to do about what had happened between them, he�d been experiencing the same overwhelming desire as Angel had; he�d wanted more than those two fingers. Spike�s body trembled, remembering Angel�s; the way it felt against him, covering him with its cool solid weight; and inside...

Spike shifted deeper still into the chair and swore softly. He shook his head and brought the slip of paper closer to his face, his lips, brushing them lovingly over the worn soft surface. Xander�s smell wafted up his nose, teasingly gentle with his lingering essence ingrained in the very fibers. Spike kissed the small note reverently, thinking on the fact that his pet had carried the maddening list with him everywhere, never letting it out of his sight, never letting his lover get a glimpse of what he had in store for him.

~He left the hotel without it. The first time he didn�t have it since Sunnydale. Was it on purpose? Did he leave it on purpose, was he leaving me? Was it my fault for pushing him too hard, too fast? Forever~

To Spike, it was an omen, a sign. Now Xander didn�t remember � anything. He didn�t remember Spike or their hot steamy sex or Spike. And, their intense and passionate love making - so emotional because Xander was so passionate and he didn�t remember Spike. And Spike wanted to die because it hurt like nothing else ever had. He curled into a tight ball and squeezed his eyes against the tears that had been dripping unceasingly since the moment he�d smelled Xander on the keepsake note.

~~~~~
POV: Willow
~~~~~

Willow moved through the large suite of rooms, kicking off her shoes and undoing the buttons on her blouse. She dropped the last item of clothing on the carpeted floor and entered the large bathroom where she spent several minutes studying the assortment of bath salts, powders, oils and soaps while the tub was filling before finally deciding on something with hints of ylang-ylang and sank into the fragrant bubbles, closing her eyes.

Willow was concerned for her friend�s mental state, it was understandable for him to block out the attack but she couldn�t understand why the memory loss included Spike and their budding relationship; or the memory of Buffy as well. It seemed as if anything connected or related to Spike and vampires was gone or locked away and Willow was just thankful she didn�t factor into that equation.

She continued to chase after her skittering thoughts as she finished her bath and left the bathroom wrapped in a thick robe of green and white stripped terrycloth. She admired the cool d�cor of the room�s peach and gold color scheme as she pulled back the blankets on the large bed and removed the robe to slip naked between the sheets.

The young witch took a deep and cleansing breath and exhaled the pent-up tension, sinking down into the comforting mattress as she let her limbs go limp. Thoughts darted through the silvery waters of her mindscape as she drifted closer and closer to much needed sleep. Like bright tropical fish, there went the glimmer of thought on how was Spike going to handle Xander not remembering him? Another color; another thought-fish; would Xander remember Angel or Cordelia or Wesley?

More shimmers of color, bright but fading � where did she begin with finding treatment for Xander? Not in Sunnydale, that was for sure. Well, she hadn�t planned on staying there much longer anyway. There was nothing left for her. She could find a place in LA and get Xander treatment. She was almost finished with classes, so it wouldn�t be too hard to wrap it all up via on-line correspondence.

Yes, Willow decided, that�s what she�d do. She would start looking for a place, get Xander a good doctor and deal with everything else as it came up; besides, that�s how they did their best work anyway. A smile of satisfaction and expectation toward change settled on Willow�s serene face as her breathing deepened and she turned on her side and snuggled her hand between her cheek and the pillow.

~~~~~

Because she didn�t have to get up early for classes and the emotional events of the day before Willow slept later than normal and then wallowed in the warm comfort of being in bed for another thirty minutes, just for the sake of sheer laziness.

She made use of the bathroom, really taking in the beauty of the oyster-shell-shaped sink resting on its free-standing pedestal, and other antique trimmings throughout.

Freshly showered and dressed, Willow twisted her damp hair up into a loosely knotted bun and made her way down to the empty lobby. Not sure what kind of hours this branch of demon-hunters kept, Willow left a note and then left the hotel in search of a good cup of herbal tea and buttery croissants, or maybe a nice fat gooey sticky-bun smothered in layers of melting icing, running down over the sides. Her stomach rumbled and she quickened her steps.

Willow located an outdoor mini-mall promenade several blocks away, where she sat at an outdoor bistro table formulating and tweaking a course of action. After she had indulged herself a bit Willow strolled around the shopping area looking into the shop windows.

It occurred to her that she should get Xander some new clothing, all things considered, there may be the possibility that the clothing they currently had might bring back bad memories he wasn�t ready to deal with. It didn�t escape her that it would most likely be impossible to get them from Spike anyway, the black bag with their stuff in it had vanished the minute those devious blue eyes opened. Spike wasn�t going to part with anything of Xander�s related to their time spent together.

She located a men�s shop with reasonable prices and purchased several pair of loose jeans, taking a stab at the proper waist size from the little wild-banana boxer tag she found while gathering the boys� scattered belongings at their hotel. Holding the pants up against the mental image she had of Xander in the form fitting jeans from that night in the park, Willow decided on a size somewhere in between � they could always be exchanged with the sales receipt.

A couple pair of casual pants, two sweaters for the cooler nights, and a couple of long-sleeved pullover and button down shirts and coat hardly made a scratch in the *mad-money* account she and Xan had started when they were ten years old. Between the two of them, and the subsequent length of time, they were looking at around six or seven figures, five at the least. The last thing she did after leaving a shoe store was to purchase Xander socks and underwear. Without really thinking about it, Willow pulled the little tag from her pocket and matched the size to several packets of cotton boxer-briefs; unconsciously picking what she would have preferred to imagine Xander wearing instead of the hideous boxer shorts he seemed to own a drawer full of.

Willow returned with her shopping and moved on to the internet to check the price of housing. During the middle of her research she remembered that she should probably call Sunnydale and let Buffy and Giles know what was going on since she wouldn�t be back any time soon.

Keeping her responses brief and vague, Willow brought Buffy up to date on what had been going on. She didn�t mention the relationship between Xander and Spike, and was vague on the reason behind what they�d been doing in LA. Her failure to comment on Buffy�s remark about Xander and his track record for getting hurt and for being inconsiderate for not letting them know what he was up to, left the slayer mildly phased and she chalked it up to the stress of having to pick up after Xander once again. It seemed that one or all of them constantly had to do that.

Willow ended the call with a promise to keep them posted. She felt it was too soon for any visits and extracted a promise from Buffy to wait until they�d gotten settled in and Xander�s condition properly diagnosed and treatment started.

The young woman stood and took several deep breaths after hanging up the phone. Her hand clenched and unclenched over it, then she finally swore, verbalizing and venting her irritation at their so-called friend.

�Bitch,� Willow muttered.

�Buffy being her usual self and giving you a hard time?� Angel asked.

Willow spun around to face the vampire where he�d stood casually leaning in the doorjamb listening to most of her conversation.

�Angel, if you don�t stop doing that, you�re going to give me a heart attack!� Willow admonished while holding her hand over her thumping heart, �I didn�t hear you.�

�Sorry,� he said as he moved into the lobby.

Willow grinned, �K, no biggie. All grown up hear, not scared of things that go bump in the night. Just slayers.�

Angel actually laughed at that, well more like snickered.

�I heard what you were telling Buffy, about finding a place to stay and... well... I was thinking that you and Xander should stay here, at the hotel. There�s another suite of rooms down the hall from yours that Xander could take. You wouldn�t have to worry about finding something and there�d be no rent.�

�Oh, Angel, that�s awfully nice, but I couldn�t...�

�You couldn�t let a friend help you out the way you�re helping Xander?�

She couldn�t argue that last point after having successfully deflected most of the other reasons the vampire came up with for their staying on at the Hyperion and his helping her find the best medical attention for their friend, and yes, Angel did consider Xander to be... well not an enemy.

�Don�t I get any say in this?� Spike had demanded.

�What would you like to say Spike?� Angel had responded.

Spike no longer wanted to stay in LA. He was only willing to do it because of Xander, he knew the boy needed the kind of treatment they wouldn�t find in Sunnydale, but he didn�t want to stay with Angel.

Not unkindly, Angel gently pointed out that Spike really didn�t have any choice in the matter. He was free to leave anytime he wanted, and since he didn�t have any personal income, and Angel was willing to let him stay for as long as he wanted with no strings attached � he�d put specific emphasis on that part � for free, Spike should stop being selfish and think about Xander.

When it was put in that context, Spike could only glower and demand to know how soon they were getting his Xan-pet out of that stupid hospital.

�Tomorrow evening, the doctors want to keep him for observation, make sure there�s minimal possibility of later complications.

~~~~~

Unable to hold himself back any longer, Spike tuned out the conversation between Willow and the young intern, Elliot � the name on his tag read, and there was a small picture of his handsome face with a half serious smile and blue eyes full of laughter. He wasn�t interested in their chit-chat and didn�t like have to take a backseat but there wasn�t anything he could do about the *immediate family* policy, well there was but it involved fangs, blood, a chip and pain, so Spike wasn�t too adverse to letting Xander�s *sister* take the lead, just so long as it got Xander the hell out of there.

�...Yes, he is as well as can be expected under the circumstances.�

Spike took a step away from the group and made a rude noise when Angel held onto his arm. The pressure made Spike look up at Angel. The serious look on the dark features kept Spike from saying whatever he�d planned; instead, he cast a look at Angel and tugged on his arm, acting like a puppy wanting a walk, all pleading eyes and petulant looks. Angel shook his head and lead Spike away from the others.

�Spike I know you want to see him, but Willow say�s he doesn�t remember.�

�Well then I�ll make �im remember, when he sees me he won�t be able to not remember,� Spike said airily as he finally managed to free his arm and make for Xander�s room.

Angel decided that no matter how much he didn�t want Spike to be hurt, he was going to have to discover for himself. He didn�t try to stop the young vampire as Spike eased away and moved down the hall.

There was a nervous energy surrounding the vampire as he moved closer the source of the nice tingly sensations along his nerves. He stuck his head around the door and peered into the room. The first sight of Xander squeezed the un-beating heart inside his ribcage. Then there was heat, icy hot fury swept through the tensed form as the demon raged, winding itself up at the sight of swelling and livid bruises covering its human�s face.

One of the beautiful brown eyes was swollen shut, the other side of the sallow face was bruised and swollen along the jaw from being repeatedly battered and there was no longer any luster to the tangle of brown hair.

With supreme effort Spike fought to calm himself and forced his tone to be cheerful when he could speak.

�Xan-pet, missed ya I did. Can�t wait to get ya outta this joint so�s we can make ya all better, luv.�

Xander�s head turned away from the window slowly. He looked at Spike with mild interest, perplexed by the words, but no recognition. Spike froze under the scrutiny, unsure now in the face of not being recognized. He felt a tearing sense of loss as Xander stared at him. The steady, but gentle, hand on his shoulder keeping him from rushing forward was now a source comfort.

Angel�s hand squeezed his shoulder, communicating understanding and support as Spike forced himself to look away from the battered young man sitting on the bed. He unconsciously leaned into the touch and didn�t resist when the older vampire urged him back into the hall creating enough space for Willow to slip by and into the room.

Willow gave Spike a sympathetic pat on his shoulder as she moved into the room. It made her sad to see the look of longing and hurt on his pale face. She couldn�t imagine what he must be going through, thinking or feeling, as she turned away from the tight lines of tension around his blue eyes and approached the bed to greet Xander.

Xander returned the hug gingerly, careful of his sore ribs, while he continued to watch the couple over Willow�s shoulder. He�d been slightly unnerved at the sudden appearance of the lean blonde; there had been a momentary stir of panic quickly forcing away the sudden wash of tingles caused by the words. For a flash he thought he might know this young man, he thought the blonde must know him but it was all confused up by the roiling of the fog in his mind.

He wondered about the flash of disappointment, and was it loss he�d seen there as well? Yeah, he knew loss, he�d *lost* enough times to know that look on someone else�s face, familiar from glimpses in his own mirror. The look touched the dark-haired young man, something quickly squashed as the other one stepped into view.

It became quickly clear to him that they were a couple, he even thought they looked good together, then wondered why the thought of two guys *together* didn�t seem like such a big deal. Then he was feeling self-conscious about his own appearance, his battered state, as the two studs considered him from the doorway.

~Studs? Did I just think... okay, yeah I did, okay. But they do look hot together~

Slightly embarrassed, Xander looked down and eased himself away from the hug as the taller, darker man moved closer to his friend and nodded in Xander�s direction.

�Who�s that?� Xander whispered.

Slightly flustered, but expecting this occurrence, Willow swallowed and shot a glance back at Angel and Spike. �Oh, right sorry. Those are friends of ours, Spike and Angel.�

Xander swept the two men with another head to toe gaze, pushing away the troubling thoughts and feelings as the taller one gave him a careful smile and spoke.

�Hello Xander how are you feeling?�

Xander didn�t answer right away; he just kept staring at the tall dark muscular figure. His dark gaze shifted to the blonde who just stared at him intently.

�Like I just got mobbed by a...� he stopped as he realized what he�d been about to say. His eyes flashed to Willow then back to Angel. �Pretty sore,� he finished weakly. �Sorry, I don�t remember you, have we known each other long?�

Spike twisted away from Angel, muttering that he�d be out in the car and left. He couldn�t take anymore and escaped into the coolness of the night air. His hands trembled slightly as he searched the pockets of his duster, looking for the crumpled pack of cigarettes. His mind focused on nothing beyond getting the slender roll of tobacco out of the pack without breaking it; then smoothing it out before placing one end between his clenched lips and getting it lit. The vampire shook himself out and exhaled the first plume of smoke, trying to expel the tension and anger along with the dissipating cloud.

~~~~~

The young intern entered the plain room followed by an orderly pushing a wheel chair. He handed Willow a small white paper sack and grinned at Xander who was rolling his eyes at the wheelchair. Xander hopped off the bed and grimaced when the impact jarred his sore body, he didn�t refuse when the orderly moved to help him into the chair.

Elliot conducted a quick review of the pain meds and antibiotics he�d prescribed for his patient as he strolled along side Willow and the wheelchair. He gave Xander a reminder for his follow-up appointment with the young intern while he was on rotation at the general hospital. Elliot also gave them the name and phone number of a colleague on staff there, a licensed clinical social worker in the psychiatry department.

Willow promised to phone Ms. Marta Cusasto the following day and schedule Xander�s first appointment. The young intern took his leave from the *brother-sister* team, smiling at Willow�s pretty blush and looking forward to seeing her at Xander�s next visit.

***** Part 16:

A pattern developed; the days dissolving into one another as time passed. They were moving into the third week and progress was being made in sketchy steps. There were flickers within the fog-bank, memories escaping into the conscious awareness as Xander met with his social worker twice a week.

He trusted Willow and took her at her word that the vampires they were living with � Angel and Spike � were good guys working for the Powers That Be. He was okay with that and even pitched in to help out with the research work, especially since it gave him something to do when the guys were out demon slaying or hunting or just plain investigating, and the ladies were off doing girl-type stuff that didn�t interest Xander. Not after the last encounter with Cordy the fashion mogul. He figured he had enough of Cordelia�s �the remaking of Xander Harris� to last him a life-time.

With the bruising and swelling gone he was willing to be seen outside of the hotel, so Cordelia had dragged him off to, The Mall, where he was forced to spend grueling hours in the various stores; changing clothes � �No-no, go put the black shirt back on, let me see how that combo looks�; sampling fragrances � �Okay here are the coffee beans, sniff good and hard and then smell this one�; the back and forth in the shoe store � �No, I don�t like that toe, and those tassels, okay gag and blind me here. Square toe, let�s try something in a square toe.� That had been trying enough but then he�d got all awkward and overly self-conscious when she dragged him into her up-scale saloon. Not that he was complaining too much because he really did like the results.

Hair was just hair, or it had been up until the moment the wonderfully talented young woman had put a mirror in his hand and allowed him to see what he looked like. The face staring back had definitely been his, but different, lighter and darkly intense at the same time. It was the coloring she�d done, deftly mixing and blending to create soft waves of light and dark brown hair flowing back from his face. It lightened his over-all appearance, yet brought attention to his darker features; erotic eyes looking all the more so because of the clean-up tweezing in the eyebrow area. He wasn�t sure if he would be willing to suffer having his eyebrows plucked in public again, but it was worth the discomfort.

His natural intelligence and mercurial personality amazed Angel, who had never seen this side of the young mortal; made Spike inordinately proud and sad at the same time as he was forced to continue watching, loving and wanting Xander desperately, from a distance. There was any number of times when Spike wanted to simply touch Xander, stroke his fingers along the strong jaw to feel a glimmer of his pet�s heat.

The sense of waiting was starting to wear him thin � for Xander to remember � the presence of Angel; an irresistible force of like calling to like. It was all just too sublimely tragic, appealing to the darker, more sorrowful nature of those involved. There were stolen glances when they thought no one was watching � Spike�s burning with need, Xander�s with curiosity and more, Angel�s waffling between desire, confusion, passiveness and patience. There was a charged element in the air when any of the three were around each other, making Xander feel as if he were standing in the vicinity of an angry swarm of bees, vibrating the air with the mad hum of their buzzing wings.

~~~~~

Xander was looking forward to his Thursday therapy session; Marta Cusasto was an amazing woman. She was full of energy and serenity and she exuded such patience and understanding. There was a maternal air to her interactions with Xander, making him feel at ease, but most of all understood. Marta seemed to understand everything Xander told her, with and or without words.

Xander had asked her how she was able to listen to other people�s problems all day without going crazy. She shared her personal view on �World Peace through individual peace.� She gave him a small slip of paper the size of a business card, with the words NAM-MYOHO-RENGE-KYO written in bold, block letters. She told him what it meant and how it worked.

Nam was the Chinese word for devotion.
Myoho was Japanese for mystic law of the universe.
Renge was Sanskrit and represented the law of cause and effect and the lotus flower.
Kyo was Japanese for sound vibration.

This was an affirmation she repeated for thirty minutes every morning before getting out of bed and facing the world. It was an expression of devotion to the mystic laws of the universe; subject to cause and effect, all things changing, birth and rebirth. Strength and endurance � the lotus flower being a thing of pure beauty that flourished even in the muddiest of waters � expressed in sound, vibrations of breath, inner creation set free into the energies around them.

It gave her the strength she had needed in a time when she had none, and had continued to do so for twenty years.

Xander parted company with Willow in the lobby of the general hospital where Elliot was on rotation when he wasn�t over at the community center. He was glad that his appointments coincided with those rotations because it meant that Willow didn�t have to sit alone in the waiting room for him to be finished, but could instead spend the hour chatting with the young intern. He waved as Elliot appeared while he was waiting for the elevator that would take him to the 9th floor where Marta�s office was located.

He briefly wondered if Elliot would get up enough courage to ask Willow out and what would happen when he did. Willow hadn�t dated anyone since her breakup with her last girlfriend, male or female, so Xander wasn�t too sure on where she stood on it at this point in her life. They never talked about it but he thought maybe it was time for her to take that aspect of her life off hold and enjoy herself. Great if she was interested in Elliot, but no biggie if she wasn�t, at least go out and see what happened. Put herself out there and let the world get a look at what he considered to be the best.

Xander entered the office and waved at the receptionist.

�I�ll let her know you�re here.�

�Thanks.�

It went like that twice a week, every Tuesday and Thursday.

Inside of Marta�s office Xander flopped down into one of the deep leather recliners she had instead of a couch.

�Xander, don�t flop like that its not good for your spine,� Marta admonished, just like always. Xander grinned at her as she made a note in his file and then moved from behind the desk. He took in her smart suit � dark blue with grey pen-stripes � pants and blazer. She was wearing an off-white blouse and the string of pearls and matching earrings she always wore. He guessed she had to be in her late forties, early fifties. She had an accent he wasn�t able to place but thought she might be from Spain or somewhere just as exotic.

Short, she was pretty short; her head only reached his chest, even with her 3-inch heels and he always felt like a giant when they hugged. Marta was a hugger. After the first time, she�d greeted both Xander and Willow with hugs and they hadn�t thought a thing about it until Xander noticed that she didn�t do it with her other patients.

She had black hair she wore in a short, sassy style. It barely brushed her collar and was shot through with grey. Her eyes were brown � motherly, like her short plump stature and demeanor.

�What would you like to talk about today, should we pick up where we left off?� she asked as she lowered herself gracefully into the other recliner and sat back with a smile.

�What was that? Oh right, my attraction to guys,� he grinned, so completely un-self-conscious about the topic.

�Was there anything specific?�

�I don�t feel bad about it, like its wrong or anything. I�ll admit it was a surprise.� He paused for a moment. �I feel sort of funny for having thoughts about someone I know is in a relationship though...�

�Okay, let�s talk about why you feel funny about being human.�

They discussed thoughts and the fact that they were *only* thoughts and everybody had thoughts. She was just getting to the point of asking him if he wanted to elaborate on the situation when their hour came to an end. Xander left with something to think about for discussion at his session the following week. He bent down and gave Marta her required hug.

�Come, Xander, don�t forget you owe me one hug for services rendered.�

Then she sent him off with a reassuring pat and a reminder about the power of affirmation.

~~~~~
POV: Spike
~~~~~

Spike watched as Angel and Xander entered the lobby. Angel was too close to Xander, putting his hand on Xander�s shoulder, talking and Xander looked so caught up in whatever was being said. Spike frowned, a look of growing displeasure settled on his face. Neither of the two men noticed as they got closer and Spike�s anger grew. He was really getting sick of Angel always hanging around Xander, hovering over him. Acting caring and too damn possessive for Spike�s comfort; had the old poof forgotten that Xander belonged to him? Spike�s lips quivered with the suppressed need to yell.

~~~~~
POV: Angel
~~~~~

Angel could smell the anger gathering around Spike, rolling off him in strong waves. He wanted to laugh, to yell, something, anything. He felt bad for what he was doing to Spike, what the other vampire thought he was doing, but Angel realized that his grand-childe was feeling threatened and insecure right now. He knew Spike was angered and confused by his feelings toward both Xander and himself.

Angel was torn over what to do because he felt bad for Spike�s loss, for Xander�s loss. He felt worse for his feelings for Spike and his growing interest in Xander, it was so easy to see how, why Spike loved him so much.

All around it was a difficult situation. He liked the fact that Xander didn�t remember the animosity he harbored against the vampire and felt guilty for taking advantage of it, getting to know the *real* Xander Harris that only Willow had been privileged to know up until now. There were sunrises Angel lay awake brooding over the situation and where things might possibly end up � Spike�s feelings for them both, his for Spike and the ones developing for Xander, and of course there was Xander.

Xander, who had a relationship with one and a not so comfortable history with the other, and he didn�t remember those things and what was going to happen when he did? How was he going to handle that paired with his now divided interest?

And there was no doubt in Angel�s mind that Xander was interested � in both he and Spike; wondered if that had always been the case and that Spike had been the more astute one, figuring it out first or just being in the right place to make his move first.

~First? Well yeah, I guess that�s right. Cause let�s face it here, this interest isn�t *new* But if our positions had been reversed, would I have made a move? ~

~~~~~

�Spike,� he said coolly, looking at the younger vampire.

�Peaches,� Spike said coldly.

�Hey, Spike,� Xander said, sensing that something was going on, but having no clue yet.

�Two of ya been spending a lot of time together,� an accusation.

�Yeah, guess what? Angel�s going to teach me how to fight, isn�t that great? I was just saying how I am so looking forward...�

�Fancy that. Yeah, great, if that�s what you�re into. A bit flamboyant if ya ask me, prefer the direct approach me-self.� He demonstrated with a sharp jab to the air. �Real fighting, not that nancy-boy stuff �e does.�

�What�s biting your ass today, Spike?� Angel asked, sounding like he didn�t really care but was asking because he knew Spike was going to gripe anyway.

�You,� Angel blinked at that. �You�re biting my ass, today, yesterday, and everyday.�

Xander quickly stepped away, sensing inevitable violence and not wanting to be caught in it. Not that he was too worried, but these weren�t ordinary men; demonic strength and all here.

Cordelia entered the lobby, Willow and Wes not far behind. She took in the scene at a glance, eyes moving between the two vampires with grim looks on their faces.

�Oh shit,� she muttered as she moved down the stairs, �what�s going on?� she asked Xander.

�I�m getting sick of you trying to move in and take what�s mine,� Spike snarled. �Told you once paws off, wasn�t just talking bout me.�

�Any time, Spike, want a re-match? Just say the word and you�re on,� Angel said levelly.

�Would either of you like to tell the un-informed what�s going on?�

�You don�t scare me, ya wanker. Not gonna let ya take what�s mine. Sire or no, I�m still a Master Vampire.�

�Ahh, I think I understand the situation here,� Wesley said.

�You�re being silly, Spike, I�m not trying to...�

�Silly? Silly? Oh, so now I�m being silly? Oh this is just too rich.�

�Don�t you think it would be better for the two of you to take this *discussion* someplace else, more *private*...� it was left hanging in the air.

�Nah said all I need to. I�m watching you Peaches,� Spike cast another glance around the room. His face was stony as he marched forward, brushing forcibly past Angel and sweeping out of the hotel in a swirl of anger and black leather.

�I�ll keep an eye on him,� Wesley said and moved to follow.

�Thank you, Wes,� then Angel was making his way toward the entrance that would take him to the spiral staircase leading down to his apartments.

~~~~~

�Do you need to talk about it, Spike?� Wesley asked catching up to the retreating figure.

�Sod off,� Spike growled, blowing a stream of smoke into the night air. He didn�t look at the other man or slow his steps.

�I�m curious, Spike,� Wes ignored him and continued to speak, �what were you trying to do? Certainly not force him to remember what he�s blocking out, with your over possessiveness.�

Spike�s face became a grim mask. �I�ve had enough,� he snarled quickening his steps in an effort to increase the distance between them.

�So you upset Xander�s mental state to make yourself feel better?� Wesley snapped.

�What�s it to you? Why the hell are you so damn upset?�

�Because I care! Xander doesn�t deserve this and neither does Angel. He�s trying to help Xander, not help himself to Xander! Stop wallowing in your self-pity and pettiness for once and think about someone besides yourself. You aren�t the only one who cares about Xander.�

�Why?� there was no sarcasm or ranker in the tired question. Wesley didn�t know what �why� Spike was referring to, but replied anyway.

�I don�t know. It�s the way he looks at you, so innocent and vulnerable. It makes you want to protect him.�

Spike tossed his cigarette butt into the gutter and pulled his duster around him. �Yeah, the way he looks at me makes me want more,� he muttered to himself, not sure which *he* he was talking about anymore.

�What do you mean?� Wes inquired catching the confusion in Spike�s subdued tone.

Spike scrubbed at his face and eyed the buildings around them. �Bloody hell, I don�t know. I need a drink,� he finished and turned toward the mini-mall promenade, heading for the upper level where there were obvious signs of a Bar & Grille of some sort.

Wesley followed him. Spike got drunk and Wesley got him back to the hotel. With help from Angel, they got the pickled blonde out of his duster, boots and socks before dumping him on the bed to curl up and hug himself against the cold.

�Xander,� he sighed softly as he snuggled under the blanket they placed over him before leaving him alone to sleep it off.

~~~~~

Xander was quiet and pensive for two days following the heated little scene between the two vampires. He had the distinct impression they had been discussing him.

~Fighting over sounds more like it. What is it with those two anyway?~

He didn�t understand the tension between them, or himself and his place in it at all. Sometimes he felt like he was being stalked, seductively and boy wasn�t that nice for a change � being sought after instead of doing the soughting...

~Is that a word? So what, I�m entitled~

... And other times, he felt like a possession. And it was confusing because he got those feelings from both vampires in different degrees of intensity. And he liked it, that feeling of being the *focus*.

�Well?� Willow prodded.

They were sitting at their little bistro table outside the caf�. They did this twice a week, following Xander�s visits to the social worker. They turned the emotionally trying and exhaustive days into *all day make us both feel better* events. After his hour with Marta, Xander was sometimes either wound up, wound down, or just plain wound out and Willow didn�t like to see him so disturbed. She was glad to note that more often than not, he was fairly level, if a bit introspective.

That first time, in an effort to get his mind off of what was bothering him; they had strolled around before heading back to the hotel. Cordelia had been nice enough to offer the loan of her car for the visits to the general hospital, so they didn�t have to worry about transportation.

There was no way Xander was willing to even think about getting on a buss in that city; ever again. Later, when he was ready, he would finally give in to one of his secret passions and get a motorcycle. He didn�t even think Willow knew of that fantasy.

�Well what?� Xander pulled himself back from his wanderings.

�Oh please, don�t give me that look.�

�No idea what you�re talking about here,� Xander told her, still looking blank.

�I was asking what you were thinking about right now,� she supplied.

�He looks at me.�

�Sooo, a lot of people look at you silly. Who does?�

�Yeah, but it�s the way he looks at me. Spike.�

�That�s interesting,� her reply was non-committal, yet implied loads. Xander looked at her in askance. �You notice the way he looks at you, it can�t be any different from the way you look at him. I�ve seen you two trading those looks.�

Xander looked at her for a moment, trying not to blush and finally looked away at the passing people. �It�s not like that, he�s with Angel.�

�No, actually he�s not.�

That was a revelation. Xander frowned as he thought about that. �But I thought...�

Willow wasn�t sure exactly what to say. �They�re close, Xan, they�ve known each other for a very long time,� she said meaningfully. She saw the flicker of understanding; at least she hoped it was. Then Willow had a flash of inspiration on how to deal with the matter.

�I have this book; I think you should read it, it may help you understand a few things better.�

�Okay.�

�Honey, just promise me that you�ll keep an open mind about what you learn.�

Xander studied his friend for a moment, taking in the seriousness and mild worry in her voice and eyes. He nodded.

�I�ll try, Wills.�

She couldn�t ask for more than that. Willow smiled, reaching for her mug as Xander dabbed the foam from his nose. He plucked one of the tiny marshmallows from the chocolate and popped it into his mouth.

�What movie should we see today?�

~~~~~
POV: Spike
~~~~~

Several days later found Spike cleaning; he hated cleaning with a passion. Spike thought about that as he looked around, it looked like the room had been hit by ten different tornados and at least one hurricane. Muttering under his breath, the lean vampire began to pick up the clothing scattered around the room Angel had given him in the underground apartment.

�Spike do this, do that. Clean up your room Spike.� He was starting to give serious thought to following the human�s example and moving into a suite of rooms as far away from Angel as he could get, say maybe, like the far corner rooms on the fifth floor on the other side of the hotel.

He continued to mentally catalog the orders that were constantly being barked in that soddin Sire tone, not allowing him the option to refuse.

�Wash out your mug Spike,� Angel had made a rude noise before going on, �don�t know which is grosser, you licking them clean or leaving the blood to dry up in them.�

�Bleedin poof, wash your mug, wash your mug. Gonna get me own place, then I�ll leave mugs all over the kitchen if I feel like it.�

It was several minutes later before the vampire remembered that none of the rooms were equipped with kitchens and Angel wouldn�t be likely to spring for him to have his own at his expense. Spike decided he�d stay where he was for the time being.

~~~~~
POV: Xander
~~~~~

Xander put down the book he�d been reading, �Vampires: an in-depth look at the Sire/Childe bond,� and pressed the button on the phone.

�Angel Investigations � we help the hopeless,� Xander said cheerily into the slim micro-phone attached to the micro-headset he was wearing.

�Hello? Xander, Xander is that you?�

There was something about that voice, something, something, and the fogbank in his mind roiled ominously. His voice shook when he spoke.

�Yes, this is Xander, who is this?�

�Xander, it�s me, Buffy. Come on, Xander, you should recognize my voice, it hasn�t been that long.�

Panic, images, flashes of pain and Xander was jabbing frantically at the disconnect button; breath coming in short gasps as he tore the headset off and pushed his chair away from the desk.

�Hey, who was that?� Cordelia asked, suddenly concerned by the panicky way Xander was acting.

�Um no-one, nobody wrong number.�

�Why don�t I believe that?� Cordelia asked.

Xander rose from the chair and moved across the lobby.

�Going for a walk, be back in a while, need to stretch the old muscles here, fresh air and sunshine doctor�s orders,� he babbled as he got closer to the entrance and then he was slipping out the door and Cordelia shrugged and went back to her typing.

Some things about her ex-boyfriend hadn�t changed, if Xander didn�t want to talk about something, there was no way you could make him.

~~~~~

Buffy stared at the phone in her hand, her face registering confusion and disbelief.

�Buffy is something the matter?� Giles asked as he entered the shop from the store-room, taking in the look on her face as she slowly replaced the receiver.

�I�m not sure. That was just *to* weird.�

�Which?�

�Well I just called Angel and Xander answered the phone. He acted like he didn�t know who I was, just hung up on me, at least I think he did.�

Giles thought about that for several moments before speaking. �Buffy, Willow told you there were gaps in Xander�s memory; your call most likely upset him.�

�Okay. Fine, he has gaps but he�d remember me, Giles, you don�t just forget your best-friend. I should go up there and check on him.�

�But you told me Willow felt it best to wait a while, I tend to agree. You promised her you would...�

�They should be here, in Sunnydale not in LA, but here with me, us, I mean with us, their friends,� she huffed. Her arms were folded across her breast and there was a stubborn look of displeasure on her face.

�Buffy!� Giles was a bit shocked. He wondered if this attitude Buffy was displaying might be the reason first Xander and then Willow had stopped coming around. He thought back to the last time he�d seen Xander, remembering it had been the night he asked Xander if he would be willing to house Spike for the evening and Buffy had simply stated that of course he would. She�d answered before Xander had even had time to think about it, and Giles hadn�t really stopped to wonder about it or the young man�s surly attitude toward them both afterward.

Xander had stopped coming around directly following and then Buffy and been trying to tell him how to conduct Willow�s training in the magic arts, as if she knew more about it than he did. Well, it was obvious that she knew a bit more than he; he hadn�t known Willow was capable of doing what Buffy claimed she saw. He�d pretended to be aware of Willow�s abilities because he didn�t want to look incompetent in her eyes, no more so than she obviously thought he was.

�Are you implying that Angel, Wesley, and Cordelia aren�t Xander and Willow�s friends?�

�No,� her tone was sullen, petulant and slightly guilty.

That was exactly what she�d been implying and they both knew it. Now she was angry at Giles for making her feel this way. It showed on her face and Giles could see it clearly.

�Then what, if I may ask, are you saying?� He was certain now. It was definitely Buffy�s attitude and it made him slightly ashamed to have not recognized earlier; her need to be involved in and control everything and everyone around her. What had he been doing to miss this going on right under his nose? And what was he going to do to address it? Buffy could be very stubborn and single-minded when she wanted. She proved that fact several minutes later.

�I�m going up there. I need to check on them and see what�s going on.�

�Buffy that really isn�t the best course of action, think of Xander. Maybe it would be better if you phoned back and spoke with Angel...�

�No. I�ve decided; I�m going to LA.�

�No, Buffy, I don�t think...�

�And you�re gonna stop me how? See Buffy leaving now.�

And she did. She ignored anything Giles had to say and marched out. It was her life and they were her friends, not Angel�s. Who did he think he was anyway? Trying to steal her friends from her, couldn�t he find his own? The Audacity! The Gall!

~When he walked away from me, he walked away from Sunnydale and my friends too. Angel sure has a set of brass one, I�ll give him that � good thing mine are brassier and bigger!~

~~~~~

Xander walked until he found himself at the little promenade mall where he and Willow had tea and hot chocolate sometimes. He remembered her saying she�d gotten his sweaters in the neighborhood and he found the store where she had gotten his clothing and decided to have a look around.

A sweater on the half-mannequin caught his attention and Xander moved over to the stack shelves to browse. He hadn�t come with the intention to shop but found himself moving further and further away from the Xander he used to be in Sunnydale and embracing this new freedom his accident had afforded him, the only down side being his conflicting emotions concerning Spike and their relationship.

The thought caused another glimmer in the fog bank and Xander quickly turned his attention to something else. His ears perked at the snatch of conversation taking place in the next aisle over.

�Fish and tomato kotex... the smell of...�

�...Some people put it in a teaspoon and pour it in...�

�...Straight men are trapped; women take half the money when they leave their sorry asses...�

�...Honey...�

�...Fish and tomato sauce...�

�...Are you still there? Dear, please catch up.�

Xander shook his head, not believing what he was hearing.

~Now I�m hearing things too? Oh great!~

�You know if a group of boys look at your clothes and then call you a fag, they�re angry because they are: one, jealous of how good you look, and two, mad because you turn them on and they can�t handle those feelings.�

~Okay, that�s better~

Xander stood where he was, pretending to finger the sweaters while listening to the sounds of two sister-boys giving the skinny to a third.

�...Yeah, girl, if that happens don�t take it as an insult, but as the best possible compliment. Cause honey, then you knows you are looking your most fiercest,� the other voice agreed.

�...These people are insecure and intimidated by you and their response to you sexually.�

�Well I just have three things to say to that,� the third voice finally quipped, �delicious I�m done.�

Xander cast a glance over his shoulder as he squatted to reach into the bottom shelf-cubby and pull out the sweater that had originally caught his eye. He studied the three men surreptitiously, two middle aged, and one in his early 20�s, while examining the wine-red sweater. He moved to the counter to pay for his purchase and then went and sat down at one of the bistro tables dotting the promenade.

~Okay, that was interesting~

There was something about the conversation that disturbed the young man, not that he had listened to it, but what they were talking about. He closed his eyes as the fogbank in his mindscape roiled and waves of panic began to creep along his nerves. Xander grabbed his bag with a trembling hand and rose to his feet. He wavered a bit and then took a step which seemed to release him from his paralysis and he was moving down the street back toward the hotel. His steps were rapid and his attention focused solely on reaching the hotel.

His heart was racing and his breath was coming in short gasps as he broke into a trot, feeling the need to be moving faster. He could hear footsteps behind him, keeping pace and the faint sound of voices; taunting and jeering hatefully.

Xander began to run, clutching the bag to his chest and gasping air frantically as panic swarmed through him and the fogbank grew darker and lighter and thicker and thinner and the voices brought images and he couldn�t see clearly because his vision was blurred and his face was wet and there was the door there was the door.

Xander crashed through the door and into the hotel looking as if he were running for his life. Willow and Cordelia looked up as he crashed in. Angel spun to the side and banged against the wall as a platinum-blonde blur hurtled past out of nowhere and brushed him aside. Then Spike was there catching Xander and stopping his mad dash. Wrapping the trembling body in his arms and holding tight while he crooned into the mortal�s ear. Xander clung to him, hiding his face in the folds of the black t-shirt and listened to the strange moaning noise he�d been hearing in his ears for the last block or so.

The ringing of the telephone shattered the tableau. Cordelia pressed the answer button without taking her eyes from Xander and Spike. �Angel Investigations,� she said almost tonelessly. �Oh hello Giles, how are you...oh, okay thanks for calling... yes, yes I�ll tell him... No, Giles, for your information I am not watching soap-operas while in the office, who has time for them when you have real live drama? Look I have to go, thank you for calling and I will tell Angel.�

She disconnected the call and looked over at Angel who was still watching Spike and Xander. Neither had moved from where they were kneeling. Hating to bring things down with her news, but knowing they needed to know, Cordelia spoke.

�Angel, that was Giles. He said Buffy called earlier, if I had known then, damn it!�

�Tell me Cordy,� Angel said flatly, then in a lighter tone, �whatever it is can�t be that bad.�

�You wanna bet? Okay, damn-it I feel so stupid! Alright already, that must have been Buffy who called when Xander answered the phone. He was acting funny afterward, but he said he just needed to get some air and then he left...�

�Okay, so what does that have to do with Giles� calling?�

�Well it seems that Buffy�s decided to come to LA and check up on Xander and Willow. Giles gave the impression that he wasn�t too happy with her right now. He was using colorful language, for him anyway.�

�Did you say what I just heard you say?�

Cordelia looked at Willow and Angel sadly. �Yeah, her Buffy-ness is on her way to LA.�

*****