*****

Faith's prison life was a quite one. She kept to herself for the most part. She had spent the last 8 months studying and earning her high school diploma. When she wasn't studying she kept up her training. She had always figured training was a waste of time. "Why bother being better, when you're born to the be best." But she had long since left that way of thinking behind.

Along with her body her mind was sharper. As was the pain that pierced so deeply within the young slayer. The guilt and remorse ran through Faith on a constant and intense level. Most of her nights where filled with agonizing thoughts and memories instead of sleep. When sleep did finally come it was filled with nightmares.

The dreams ended the same every time with Faith waking with Buffy's name on her lips, a cold sweat and eyes reddened with tears. The other prisoners would scream and taunt her from their bunks. She learned to tune out their harsh words and slip back into her thoughts.

She was nine months into a fifteen-month sentence. They had very little to pin on Faith. No matter how many times she told them of her countless crimes her word didn't hold enough clout against the Mayor's cover-ups.

What they did know was that Faith was wanted for an assault against a man at the bus station. Whom she also robbed and broke into said man's apartment. Other than that, nothing. They also put into fact her age and her past family history. She received fifteen months plus weekly "head shrinking" as she put it. The doctor that was assigned was a fresh doctor Named Dr. Monroe.

At first she saw "Doc," as she simply called her and was, shall we say, less then willing to help herself. But the doctor was persistent and Faith began to allow the woman to help her. They spoke of Faiths less than healthy family life. Faith was also careful not to reveal her slayer status. She knew well enough not to tell the prison shrink that she had super human strength and healing, in order to kill vampires and other such nastiness. So she told her about the "nice woman" that rescued her from her father. That the woman taught her to take care of herself. And loved her as a daughter, filling the empty spot the dark haired girl had inside. Faith also told her that the woman had been beaten and killed while Faith was left to watch.

The one thing that they always ended up speaking about was a girl named Buffy. Dr. Monroe often noticed the slight glow that was hidden with the sadness whenever the mysterious B was mentioned. It was obvious to the doctor that Faith's feelings ran deeply for the other girl. She also knew that this B held the key to Faith's letting go and forgiving herself.

That's where the story begins. With six months of prison and "head shrinking" Faith was on her way with the help of Doc. Faith dropped herself into the chair and looked up at Doc. "Soooo...What's up Doc?"

"You tell me" the blue eyed doctor questioned, "How are your nightmares?"

"You know Doc same old same old. Always the same, always about a life that I wanted and then having it pointed out that I'm not worthy of it and it'll never be." Faith said somewhat tiredly.

"And the person to point this out is your B?" Dr. Monroe confirmed.

Faith's eyes saddened even more than the constant sadness that always lay behind them. She looked down at her feet and fiddled with her fingers. "Yeah, its always B."

"Why do you think it's her that points out such a cruel and I might add untrue issue?" The doctor pressed.

"Please, Doc it's a not an issue it's a fact. B is on a higher level than me, than us all. My whole life I've looked for a lov...ah friend like her. And when I had it I did what I always do. Which is fuck it up?" Her voice cracked and softened, "She's better off Doc. Look what I did to her, to her family, her friends. The things I've done Doc, there just the not the forgiving kind."

The doctor took a deep breath and began, "Look how far you've come Faith, I strongly doubt you can honestly say you're the same person. That being, who's to say you'd make the same wrong steps." The young doctor professed to Faith.

"Who's to say I won't Doc, the odds are against me. I've screwed up at every curve. Never once have I taken the good road. For me it was always get what you can. If it was a good thing, it was only `cause it went my way in the end." Again Faith's eyes fell to the floor and sadness washed over her already guilt ridden features. "The things I've done to her. Doc, I saw where to cut and I went in deep. Trust me if I thought I had a chance I'd....... I'd give anything."

The young doctor got up and went to her desk drawer. Opened it and pulled out a box wrapped in a red shimmery paper she walked over to Faith and dropped the gift onto the dark slayer's lap. "Happy Birthday Faith." Faith looked astounded at the doctor.

"How'd you know? I mean, no one has ever remembered my Birthday?"

The doctor laughed at the girl's amazement. "It's in your file Faith, plus the gift comes with a lot ifs and buts."

"I'm sorry Doc, I'm not reading ya."

"Just open it and I'll explain," The doctor shrugged.

Faith fiddled with the paper exposing a box of monogrammed stationary. With the letters FAM printed in gold at the top. There was also a silver pen with the same letters engraved on it. There was a small envelope clipped on the first page. Faith, confused and flattered opened the seal; inside there was a single photo of Buffy Anne Summers. It like a collage yearbook photo, Faith's eyes closed and she pushed back the tears. Her voice was catching on every word. "I don't get it Doc. what's the catch and what's the game cause I've got nothing here."

The doctor smiled, "It's not really all that complex. The stationary and the pen are to start your healing. One that I might add will be challenging. The photo of your precious B is the key to your healing, I truly believe it lies in the girl." Still seeing the lack of understanding and fear on the girl's face she explained "OK you say you want a chance Faith, here it is. Write to the girl, express yourself, open up to her a bit, trust me it could hurt nothing. You write her, write everyday if you have to. If she sees part of the changes in you, you'll have your chance."

Faith's eyes stayed starring at the photo in her hand. She wanted that chance. To tell Buffy everything. To see if there was hope. Or even if there was a chance of hope. She closed her eyes and let out the breath she forgot she was holding. "I don't know. Come on Doc, like she'll even open them."

"Then no harm, no foul, sometimes just putting your feelings into words can be helpful." The doctor pointed out "I won't promise you it'll solve all your problems, But it's possible it'll put you on the road to solving them. It's now a matter of months before your release. You've said yourself your place is in Sunnydale. You plan to show up without warning? This could soften the shock."

Faith nodded in agreement; she didn't completely agree, but she knew arguing with the doctor was pointless. "Thanks Doc, it looks like it's about that time."

"So it has, well I'll see you next week. Keep your nose clean." the doctor smirked

Faith smiled at the older woman, always ending their time together with the same words. And Faith's response was always the same, "Always Doc you know me, Five by five.

Later that night as Faith sat in her cell there was an hour till lights out. Normally the dark haired girl spent this time reading, studying or just thinking. Tonight she sat on her bunk legs crossed with her new writing materials on her lap. She held the picture of Buffy. She pushed back the tears that threatened to fall and picked up the pen.

She wrote, making up her mind not to hold back. She knew one thing, Buffy deserved to know it all. Every thought, every reason or excuse as it was. She deserved to know the truth. And Faith needed her to know just how much she had always been in love with her.

*****
tbc