*****

Life is a tricky thing, never certain from one day to the next. Not sure which way to go, which path to choose. And it doesn't make it any easier when you feel like someone's snatched the rug from under you, leaving you on unstable and unfamiliar ground - floundering along hoping, hoping that in the next moment, some magic will happen, to put everything right.

But you know that won't happen. Not in this lifetime, not for me. Why is that?

Don't tell me.

I'm trapped on a course I have no control over, swept along on the tides, carried down, further and further into confusion, never sure if I'm making any progress.

I wake up and realize there are still a few precious hours left. I sit watching you sleep. Memorizing every feature of your pale face, your dark, broody, brow. Enticing me with gentle darkness, earthy smells; and the way your skin feels, under my hands, against me. Burning me up with a freezing cold, crawling through my veins.

An addict jonesing for the next dose. Lost in your intensity, you scatter my thoughts with coldly burning kisses, fingers tangled in my hair, the way you growl my name, in that way you do, when you climax; eyes glittering with otherworldly fires, lips telling me I'm beautiful, the sting of your sweet kiss on my neck.

You are my worst nightmare and my every fantasy. I love you so much, sometimes it hurts, your beauty hurts, and I struggle to present a face that keeps it all at a safe distance, keeps me from going insane with the fear of loosing you, that this isn't enough, that its too much, more than I deserve. Why is life so damn complicated?

Don't tell me.

I feel this intensely overwhelming heartache, for everything that's wrong, I've done, wrong decisions, the pain. I never meant to hurt you, all I ever wanted was you. I take the blame for this. I'd do anything to ease the suffering.

I'd give you all of me.

Why do I feel this way?

Don't tell me.

~fin~