******

Anya was confused, no orgasms in three days. Xander was obviously keeping something from her. "Why have you stopped having sex with me?"

Anya looked fierce. Xander felt scared. "W...w... we've stopped having sex?"

"Don't make fun of me. You've avoided being alone with me a lot these past couple of weeks. And now... Three days, no orgasms."

Anya looked pissed off. Xander felt confused. "Three days? You've been counting?"

"Yes. Don't you?" Anya now looked confused.

"Anya. I've just been tired recently. Having to babysit Spike is not helping with the sleep thing."

"Kick him out then."

"I can't. He's got nowhere else to go."

"So he's more important than me?"

"No, look, I'll be able to catch up on sleep when he stays at Giles' next."

"Oh, and when did he last stay there? Why can't you talk to Giles today? Now? Tell him Spike has to stay at his house tonight so that you can give me orgasms."

"I can't do that..."

"Giles is more important than me, too? Well, you go and get cosy with your boyfriends and I'll... I'll not have any orgasms." Anya huffed, turned, and marched off.

"ANYA!"

Anya kept on marching.

****

Spike hadn't had sex, and, therefore, a taste of human blood, in a couple of weeks. He needed a sneaky plan. As the two weeks had passed, though, he noticed some events that could possibly be taken advantage of. Things had obviously been getting tense between Anya and Xander lately. So he made sure he did his bit by depriving Xander of any possible sleep. Now it was just a matter of waiting for the right opportunity.

***

"So, is everyone up for the Bronze tonight?" asked a desperate Xander.

Willow shifted uneasily in her seat. "Umm..."

"Let me guess, you and Buff have the study thing going on."

"Sorry." She looked up at him meekly.

Giles peered up from his book to find Xander looking at him expectantly. "Sorry, I've got some research that needs doing tonight."

"I could help..."

"No, it's ok. You go out and have fun."

"I think that depends on what your definition of fun is."

"Well, thanks for inviting me."

Everyone turned to look at Spike. "It's touching that you make me feel so bloody welcome round here - except when you want me to kill something for you." He held back a smirk as he saw Xander shift to 'internal-panic-but-it's-obvious-on-my-face mode'. "Alright, fine. I won't bloody go. You go, by yourself and I'll just stay in, again." Spike turned his head to stare in mock defiance at the wall.

"Why do you want to come? You hate me."

"Yes, I do hate you, but anything has got to be better than being babysat indoors every bloody night." Xander fidgeted for a bit.

Giles thought about having a peaceful house for the evening. "I don't see there'll be any problems if he goes with you, Xander, it'll save you from having to pick him up later. Just keep an eye out for the Initiative." "Thank you, Giles, for making my evening worse than it already was." Xander then turned to Spike. "I'll be taking a stake. So don't even think about trying anything."

******

At the Bronze, Spike was trying assorted tactics to persuade Xander to drink as much as possible. Spike casually draped an arm around Xander, feeling Xander stiffen. Xander instinctively took a nervous sip from his beer.

Spike thought it was time for more annoying conversation. "I don't know what your problem is, apart from having no friends."

Xander knocked back the rest of his drink and glared at Spike for the fourteenth time that evening.

"Will you stop insulting me?"

"But it's fun. And it helps speed up the drinking process. You humans drink so slowly, unless you're really pissed off."

"That's it. We're leaving."

"But... It's not even ten." Xander gave another glare at Spike's whining.

Spike persisted, "I'll try my best to resist the huge temptation. Looks like we need more drinks." Spike hurried across to the bar before Xander could argue.

*******

A couple of hours later, and also several pints later for Xander (courtesy of Spike's encouragement), Xander staggered home using Spike as a much needed support. Reaching his basement, Xander collapsed onto the bed. Spike grinned a huge grin and began to undress him. He started with the t-shirt, yanking it as he tried to pull it over the drunk Xander's head.

"wth...uh..."

"Don't worry pet, I'm gonna take real good care of you." Spike leaned forward and kissed him. Xander, his higher brain functions on another planet at this point, let instinct take over and tried kissing him back but only succeeded in doing a pretty crappy Mick Jagger pout. Spike made a mental note not to kiss him on the lips again.

Instead he moved his way along Xander's jawline, dragging his lips down the boy's jugular, then down across his smooth pecs. He munched on Xander's nipples momentarily while he undid Xander's trousers. Aroused 'mmm' sounds surfaced as Xander laid back, closed his eyes and gave in the combination of alcohol and arousal.

Having problems with Xander's loss of motor control, Spike tried giving the trousers and pants both a hefty tug instead of bothering to lift him up. Spike succeeded in propelling himself, the trousers, and the pants across the room.

"Ouch, bugger."

He swore again, dusted himself off, and moved back to the naked Xander, taking off his own t-shirt and trousers.

He was horny; he was hard; Xander was going to have bruises in the morning.

Xander made more 'mmm' noises as Spike ran a lubed finger along his crease and pressed against his entrance.

"I always knew you were a big poof." Spike grinned. "It's about time someone showed you what you're missing."

*****

"Xander, I thought we shou..."

Anya felt sick, Xander was getting orgasms with someone else. < Spike? Spike! > She didn't realise she was gaping like a fish.

"You realise you're gaping like a fish, pet?"

Spike nuzzled behind Xander, kissing his shoulder while lazily shagging him. Xander made more 'mmm' noises. He was conscious enough to enjoy what was happening but, unfortunately for him, not conscious enough to register who it was with or Anya's presence in the room.

"Oh, my God!" Anya's mouth had now resumed normal functioning, even if her brain evidently hadn't.

"I take it you didn't know I've been shagging your boyfriend for the past couple of weeks then?"

"Oh, my God!"

"Please, Anya, you're spoiling the moment." Spike nuzzled against Xander's neck as he asked, "Isn't she Xander?"

More 'mmm' noises occurred, followed by Anya rushing out muttering "oh, my God!" under her breath. Spike smiled and sunk his teeth into Xander's neck.

****

Xander's head hurt; his arse felt sore; his neck felt sticky and also sore; Spike wasn't in the chair; there was something cold draped across his chest...

"AAAAAAHHHHH!" Xander vaulted from the bed.

"Keep it down, pet; that's loud enough to wake the dead."

"Why are you in my bed?"

"Sleeping off last night's shag with you."

Xander nervously felt his face with one hand as he began to pace frantically. "I'm still asleep. Yes, that's what it is. Living in Sunnydale has finally got to me. I have really lost my mind. What on earth is possessing me to dream all this?"

"Maybe it was all that alcohol you drank last night?" Spike added helpfully.

"Yes... Of course, I'm having a weird drunken dream."

"I really pity you sometimes."

Xander shot Spike a look. "Even if I'm not dreaming, I must be, because there's no way I'd ever get it up on that much beer. Even if by some unbelieveable occurrance you did get me to SLEEP in the same bed as you."

"Not being able to get it up certainly didn't stop you from having a good time though."

Xander shuddered. "This isn't real. This is not real. I'll wake up soon and this nightmare will end."

"And then it'll begin again when you next see Anya." Spike grinned at Xander. "I can tell you, she wasn't best pleased when she walked in on us last night."

Xander tried pinching himself in desparation.

*******

A very insistant knocking was occuring on Giles' door. It was early. The knocking continued. Giles rubbed his eyes and wished the knocking would go away. Still the knocking persisted. Giles sighed in resignation and made his way to the door whilst pulling on a robe.

Outside was Anya. A very tearful Anya. A very tearful angry Anya, who, unfortunately for Giles, was ranting ten to the dozen incoherrently about Xander.

"I think you'd better come in." Giles sighed.

Anya continued her incoherrent rant as she made her way to the couch. Giles walked out to the kitchen.

"I'll get you a drink and I think you should try to calm down. I can't help you if I don't understand what you're saying"

"Calm down? Don't you think I've tried that? That's what I've spent the last few hours doing. Every time I try to think about something else, I can't. I just can't. It's there, in my head. Why couldn't he have told me? Why? I wouldn't have minde... well, yes, I would've. They could've invited me to watch. That would've been the polite thing to do... I must admit I was intrigued and it makes me feel like having sex and having orgasms when I think about the view I got. But he didn't. He just let me walk in on them."

Giles walked back in from the kitchen carrying her drink. "What exactly are you talking about, Anya?

"Xander having orgasms with Spike instead of me."

The drink that was in Giles' hand promptly took a vacation to the floor.

"I'll, er, I'll go get you another one." he stammered.

***

"You drank my blood. You had sex with me and drank my blood. This is really not my day."

"If it's any consolation, pet, your blood didn't taste half as bad as I thought it would." Spike was now dressed and sprawled out on Xander's bed, enjoying every minute of tormenting the poor boy.

"I feel... I feel, violated.."

"I aim to please."

"And you've got rid of all my stakes."

"Can't have you killing me after our first date, can I?"

"Oh, you'll be dust soon enough, neuterboy." Xander grabbed his jacket and made his way to the door.

"Where are you going, lover?"

"Just to let the others know you need staking."

"Miss you." Spike smiled as the door slammed shut. He was certain Xander would be back, with the others in tow. It was just a question of getting his 'side of the story' across before they killed him. Time to really put the acting to the test.

****

"I've only had two in the past fortnight. We argued about it yesterday and I went round last night so we could make up by having sex. Little did I know he wasn't giving me orgasms because he was giving them to Spike instead."

Anya hadn't stopped for over two hours. Giles wished for a lobotomy, while his exterior portrayed that of a man who was really quite interested.

A knock came from the front door and he thanked whoever was looking down on him for the reprise, even if it were to be brief. Buffy and Willow walked in.

"Buffy! Willow!" Anya shrieked hysterically as she tearfully bear-hugged them.

"Er, hi, Anya." Buffy prised herself away from the mad woman. "So, what's going on?"

"Spike is having orgasms with my boyfriend." Anya stated quite matter-of-factly.

Buffy started laughing at the 'very funny joke' that Anya had apparently made. She soon spluttered to a halt as she realised no one else was laughing. "You're serious? Xander? And Spike?"

"I walked in on them last night. They said I was... spoiling the moment." Anya collapsed back onto the sofa in another flood of tears.

"Oh, my God! Xander and Spike." Buffy's frown began to crease as she began to view the circumstances with the 'benefit of hindsight'. "They have been acting a little strange lately, and Xander hasn't complained about having to babysit Spike for a couple of weeks."

"Apparently that's... That's how long they've been having sex." blubbed Anya.

Buffy's eyes opened wider.

Willow, still not having said a word since arriving, had a frown twice as wrinkled as Buffy. Not only had she the Xander/Spike thing to take in, but also the realisation that she was actually jealous. < After consoling him when he tried to stake himself, after not rubbing in the whole 'neutered bit' like the others did at every opportunity, Spike chose to get closer to Xander. The one who picked on Spike the most. So, what's wrong with me? I guess I knew it at the time when he had tried to bite me that it was all sweet talk. He didn't mean any of it. I am unbiteable. Maybe it was me who actualy caused the chip to activate, maybe he was so desperate that he'd lowered himself to drinking my blood and that was his undoing. I could be the ultimate vampire deterrent. > The arrival of Xander stopped her self-torture.

"Spike needs staking, big time."

Anya looked at him and spoke with venom on her breath, "Spike not giving you good enough orgasms now?"

"I don't know what he told you, but it is NOT what you think."

"Told me? You forget I walked in on you two having orgasms together last night."

The colour drained from Xander's face. He sat down in shock, completely missing the sofa in the process. "I was exceedingly drunk, and OBVIOUSLY quite unconscious at that point. He completely took advantage of me." Xander couldn't quite take in the fact that the others may not believe him.

"So when he asked you if I was spoiling the moment, why did you reply?"

"I replied?" Xander looked visibly deflated. "This is bad. This is very bad."

Giles couldn't stand it anymore; somebody sensible was needed to pick apart the important stuff. "So you're saying that Spike got you drunk last night, took advantage of you, and led Anya to believe you were a willing participant?"

"In a nutshell, yes." Xander liked Giles a lot at times like these. "But you missed out the 'sucking my blood' part."

"The chip has stopped working?" Willow was not a happy chappy. "But why didn't he drain you completely?" < If I weren't so unbiteable I'm sure he'd kill me. >

Anya took a sharp intake of breath. "You're a vampire. He turned you so you could kill us."

"If he was able to turn Xander, he'd be able to kill us himself," Giles stated.

"Oh." Anya looked over at Xander. "You're not a vampire then?"

Xander sighed and walked over to the nearest patch of sunlight.

"And Spike is now...?"

"Back at my place still, unaware he's soon to be dust."

Giles took a moment to think. < Although I can't believe that Xander would do anything with Spike, it just doesn't make sense. After taking advantage of him like this, when it's obvious that Anya would tell everyone, why would he hang around to get staked? Especially when he can't defend himself against any of us. Best to go over and see what he has to say, I suppose. >

"We'll go over there now, while it's still light. That will give us an advantage if he tries to get away. I think it may be an idea to find out what he thinks he's up to before we stake him, though, just in case there's a good reason."

"A good reason?" Xander suddenly stopped liking Giles.

"Why else would he still be at your place?"

"Because it's daytime?"

"We know from previous experience that if he needs to move about in the daytime, he can find a way. So it stands to reason that there may be an explanation."

"An explanation for him taking advantage of me? How about, he's a psychopathic vampire who really needs to be dusted?"

"Shall we go?" Buffy was standing impatiently at the door, stake banging absent-mindedly against her thigh.

****

Spike pulled the most innocent looking face he could muster as the others turned up.

"I would've thought you'd be long gone by now." Buffy grinned a 'oh-well-guess-I'll-have-to-stake-you' grin.

Spike's looked up at her, startled, well, acting startled < and I'm doing a bloody good job of it if I do say so meself. > "You've let me hang around all this time and NOW you choose to stake me? Er...Why?" Spike made a point of 'only just noticing ' Anya. "Oh, I see. You get jealous because Xander wants to play with someone else and you persuade the others to stake me. Cheers, love, really appreciate that."

"I want to play with someone else?" A sickened Xander walked down the stairs, followed by Giles. "Didn't get much choice did I, Spike? Not after the amount of alcohol you poured down my throat beforehand."

Spike tried to focus < right, think, somebody shoving a fork in my japs eye. There, works everytime >. Water welled up in Spikes eyes as he looked up at Xander agape. "I... I..." < careful, not too much or they're bound to twig. > "You bastard." He spat. "You utter bastard. So Anya really does mean that much to you? Or is it because you can't bear your Scooby friends to know the truth, because of what they'll think of you? Well, go on then, stake me. That would really top it all off."

"What ARE you talking about, Spike?" Buffy fingered her stake while Xander started to feel slightly nervous about how things were panning out.

Spike shifted so that he had his back to the others, "Doesn't bloody matter, does it. Not only have I been effectively neuteured but it turns out they've tampered with my bloody brain as well."

Xander's lower jaw found itself getting lower and lower.

"So, are you denying what happened last night?" Giles asked.

"Depends on what you think happened. If you mean basically the same as what happened two nights ago and last Wednesday, apart from the Bronze bit, well, yes. Oh, and apart from Anya walking in on us." Spike half turned to look at Anya. "Tell me, Anya, how have things been between you and Xander these past two weeks?"

Anya looked from Xander to Spike and back again. "Will one of you two please stop lying to me?"

Xander and Spike glared at each other.

"But you bit him and drank from him." Giles pointed out. "If your intentions were 'honorable', as such, why would you do that?"

"I take it you've never been bitten whilst in the throes of orgasm? A stuffy Watcher like you should get out more." Spike feigned a look of sudden revelation. "Er, I don't mean to point out the obvious but aren't you all forgetting the small matter of a chip in my head?"

"So?" Buffy was itching to stake Spike and wasn't in the mood for thinking.

"If Xander wasn't willing, how would I be able to bite him?"

There was now the movement of bodies awkwardly shuffling their feet as realisation began to sink in. Xander looked around at those he thought were his friends. They glanced down nervously when he caught each gaze. < This should be nominated for stitch up of the year. I never credited Spike with so much brain-usage, and I never thought they would take his word against mine. >

"But why, Xander?" Willow had a mixture of disdain and confusion on her face. "Why keep denying it? And what good would staking Spike do, now?" < Don't try to stake him, please. It's ok, I'm sure everyone will get over you being with Spike; just admit it to us; please. >

"Yes, what good would staking Spike do? Let me see, he's already convinced my friends and my girlfriend that I am, effectively, a gay necrophilliac. What more damage could possibly be avoided by not having him around? Not a lot, I think. But I am still a huge believer that it would make me feel slightly better than I do now. "

"We can't let you do that, Xander." Buffy moved to block his access to Spike.

Xander shook his head in disbelief as he left, refusing to look at any of them.

Giles, Buffy, Willow, and Anya turned toward Spike, he was wistfully looking up at the stairs as Xander left, eyes watering, jaw clenched, fighting back a torrent of emotions. < God, I really AM good. One question though, who do I pick on next? > Spike looked uneasily at the others, glancing across their faces and not making eye contact, before moving to sit facing away from them on the far side of the bed. He hung his head in his hands. "Just bugger off and leave me; it's not as if I can go anywhere; it's bloody daytime."

Looks were exchanged. It was clear to the others that Spike needed someone with him no matter how much he would protest. Not only to stop him from acting rashly as he had nearly done before but also to be certain Xander wouldn't return to stake him in this state. Finally, Willow spoke up.

"I'll stay with him."

< Hmm, always fancied a bit of Red. >

Fin.