Title: I Don't Think We're In Moria Anymore
Author: Torturedwriter ([email protected])
Rating: PG-13
Pairing / Main characters: Fellowship
Series/Sequel: unfinished, parts 1-4
Summary: A nonsensical plot device leaves the Fellowship trapped in the movie �Titanic�. Cue much bickering, sexual innuendos and a bloody big iceberg.
Disclaimer: The characters of 'The Lord of the Rings' belong solely to the Tolkein estate, and the film 'The Fellowship of the Ring' belongs to New Line Cinema. The characters of 'Titanic' belong solely to James Cameron, and this fic parodies the film, not the true-life events surrounding the Titanic. I am in no way affiliated with the characters or the films, nor do I claim to own them. This is a non-profit fanfiction, written purely for entertainment purposes.
Archive/Distribution: Sure, just ask.
Warning: Some mild, mild slash references. A bit of naughty language. Boromir being a perve to just about everyone.
Notes: This is entirely written in screenplay format, as I'm not brave enough to do a descriptive humour piece. terms you may not be familiar with are INT and EXT (standing for interior and exterior, which are used when setting a scene) and 'beat', which basically means a silence in or between dialogue.
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I Don't Think We're In Moria Anymore 1
By Torturedwriter
INT. TITANIC. DECK � NIGHT
The Titanic sails peacefully on her maiden voyage. The deck is free from all activity, save two seagulls mating noisily. Their frenzied squawks are rudely interrupted suddenly by the sound of nine sets of very loud screams hurtling straight towards them. Disgusted, they fly off. Just in time. One second later, nine bodies land on the deck in an undignified heap. Cue: Panic.
Merry: Was that meant to happen?
Pippin: [trying to look round, failing] I don�t think we�re in Moria anymore.
Sam: Mr Frodo, Mr Frodo! What�s happened to us? Mr Frodo?
Frodo: I have no idea Sam. Just because my eyes are bigger than yours, I can�t be expected to see everything, especially considering the fact that somebody�s foot is stuck in my face. (beat) At least, I think it�s a foot.
Legolas: What is that sticking into my side? Boromir? Is that your horn?
Boromir: [smirking] Um, yes, Legolas. If that�s what you want to call it.
Legolas: Well what else would I call it?
Aragorn: [quickly] Okay, everybody, stand up.
If this order was intended to ease the pain, he is very sadly mistaken. The result of nine sets of bodies with varying sizes in height and weight all clambering to get up at once simply reeks of disaster.
Pippin: Watch the arm! Watch the arm!
Sam: Well if you got off my leg�
Gimli: You�re stepping on my beard.
Gandalf: I think you�ll find you�re stepping on mine. (beat). No, I think you�ll find they�re tangled together.
Legolas: Boromir, stop falling on top of me.
Boromir: My horn must be weighing me down�
Legolas: Your horn�s normally bigger than that.
Boromir: Why you�
Some time later�
The casualties have been picked up and dusted down. Beards have been untangled, horns snapped in half, egos bruised. Aragorn decides to assess the situation.
Aragorn: Right, let�s assess the situation.
He looks at the others who shrug. Sighs. Finally;
Aragorn: What was the last thing that happened?
Merry: We were in Moria.
Aragorn: Yes�
Gimli: We were running.
Aragorn: Yes�
Boromir: I came to a cliff edge�
Aragorn: Yes�
Boromir: And somebody crashed into me.
He glares at Legolas, who has suddenly become incredibly preoccupied with counting his arrows. Looks up, to see the others staring at him.
Legolas: [too innocently] What?
Boromir: You were meant to pull me back.
Legolas: Well you should have been looking where you were going.
Boromir: [incredulously] You�re the one with the �fantastic� Elven eyesight.
Legolas: Well I� (beat; the others are still staring at him expectantly)�I made the mistake of looking into Boromir�s shield. I um, saw a reflection of myself. And my hair was looking slightly tousled�.
There are collective groans of disbelief. Gimli looks ready to pounce.
Aragorn: You were doing your hair?!
Legolas: [welling up] I only wanted to look nice for you, Aragorn.
He gazes at him from under his lashes. Aragorn smiles forgivingly. The others roll their eyes simultaneously.
Gimli: Every time�
Aragorn: Well, Legolas obviously isn�t at fault. If anything, we should be blaming Boromir.
Boromir: Well I object to that�
Gandalf: [voice of reason] It matters little who is to blame. Right now, we must establish where we are and how we can escape. We cannot stray too far from our path.
Boromir: [still mad at Aragorn] See? That�s how you�re meant to take charge.
Aragorn: He�s older than me. And wiser�
Boromir: Better looking, too.
Aragorn�s jaw drops. Boromir smirks. Score.
Gandalf: That will be quite enough, you two.
Aragorn: [full on five year old mode] But he said�
Gandalf: Enough!
Aragorn pouts, looking adorable enough to eat. (AN: No, no, stop letting personal feelings get in the way of the story. *breathes out*)
Gandalf: Now, let�s assess our surroundings.
Legolas: The ground is moving. I feel ill at ease.
Pippin: I feel kind of sick.
Merry: I told you not to have that third breakfast!
Pippin: I think I should have listened to you.
He clutches his stomach miserably. The others back away subtly, resuming the conversation.
Gandalf: I do not think we are in Moria any longer.
Boromir: Then where in Middle Earth are we?
Gandalf: I do not think we are in Middle Earth either.
Boromir: [horrified] What?!
Gandalf: I sense sorcery, the like of which I have never experienced. And evil. I sense a great evil very close by.
Suddenly, a voice drifts by. It might be singing. It is most probably screaming.
Horrible Voice: Every night in my dreams, I see you, I feel you. That is how I know you go on�
Cue: More panic.
Fellowship: Agh!!!
Sam: Make it stop Mr Frodo, make it stop!
Legolas: Ai! Ai! The horror, the horror.
Pippin: I really am going to be sick.
Boromir: Devilry! Treacherous Devilry!
Pippin and Merry cling to each other for dear life. Legolas clamps his hands over his ears and starts singing loudly. Boromir dives to the floor and begins trembling. The others run around in organised chaos.
Almost as suddenly as the voice started, however, it stops. The fellowship stare at each other, horrified.
Pippin: What was that?
Gandalf: Fool of a Took! It was obviously Sauron�s doing.
Boromir: Maybe we are dead (beat, panicking). Maybe this is purgatory.
Aragorn: That is my fear also.
Boromir: You mean we�re agreeing on something?
Aragorn: Don�t push it, horn boy.
Gandalf: We must explore our surroundings. We are still fully armed, even if I seem to have lost my staff in the fall. Should any more danger arise, we are more than a match for it. (muttering). But not for any disembodied voice, I fear.
Aragorn: Pardon?
Gandalf: [coughing] You�re hearing things.
Aragorn: Oh.
Meanwhile�
INT. TITANIC. UPPER CLASS CABIN ROOM � NIGHT
A young man and woman are in the throes of passionate lovemaking. Quite unexpectedly an old man with long, white hair crashes down on top of them. Cue: Much screaming. The man jumps off quickly. Looks around, assesses the situation.
Saruman: Well, shit.