LEARN TO BE EVIL
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RESUME TIPS
Below are the typical areas of a resume and my priceless secrets for dealing with them. These tips will help crush the competition, get you in the door and put you behind a desk making 50 big ones, plus bonus.
THE NAME:
Use the name to your advantage. Spice it up a little bit. Steve Smith goes nowhere fast. But Sir Stephen Smith -- now that might turn a few heads. Nicknames also help. Mark "Keyboards" O'Malley is good. Mark "Kegsucker" O'Malley is bad.
THE ADDRESS:
Forget your real address. Make a statement instead! Saying you're from the Bronx suggests you're tough as nails. Anyplace in Japan implies you believe in an 18-hour-a-day work ethic!
THE PHONE NUMBER:
Skip it. What are the odds they'll call -- 1,000 to 1. If they do, they'll probably just catch your roommate somewhere in the middle of his second six-pack. My advice is never put your phone number on a resume unless you want to try some interesting 900 number which might wake up a recruiter or two.
THE AMBITION STATEMENT:
Forget the ambition statement. You know what I mean: "Seeking a challenging IS position using state-of-the-art technology in a high-growth, future-oriented corporation that is doing neat things for the environment." A better idea is to tell them what you're NOT seeking. "Not seeking a job where I'm paying my dues for eight years, maintaining ancient Cobol code that crashes every other night, slaving for some horrible boss and groveling in the smallest cubicle in the world until I finally claw my way into a lower management position, only to have the company lay off 40% of its work force so that I wind up in some non-critical, low-paying, dead-end, back-office position."
EDUCATION:
Don't be afraid of Yalies and PH.D.s. Be proud of where you go to school and play it straight. But just to be on the safe side, send an application to some prestigious high-tech program at a prestigious school. Until they respond, you're not lying if you list under your education credits: "B.A. in Watersports Administration, Massatucky State, 1993...and current doctoral candidate, Nuclear
Computer Simulation Modeling Fellowship Program, MIT."
EXPERIENCE:
Even fresh out of school, you've got to have experience. But don't mention that you've invested in your own relational database or coded an object-oriented commodity trading system.. Everybody's done that stuff. I'm talking
about hands-on experience: high-level management, microchip design, hostile takeovers, etc. So if you're a little light in the experience area, don't tell lies. Instead, simply try a bit-more-concise explanation of the experience
you do have. For example, if you worked as a cashier at Food Giant, make it, "Monitored and troubleshot retail point-of-sale bar-code inventory scanning system." "Conducted usability testing for graphical user interface" sounds a lot better than "played too much Nintendo." But don't try "Evaluated remote-accessed continuous-availability multimedia environment." Most employers can
pick that one off as watching too much MTV.
THE CLOSE:
"References furnished upon request"? What kind of power-close is that? Let me leave you instead with this recommendation: Close with impact. Close with passion. Close with a line they'll remember, like "Please, please give me a job. And by the way, I know where you live."
Suzy Lee fell in love, she planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy about it all, she told her pappy so.
Pappy told her, "Suzie Gal, you'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo maw don't know, but Joe is yo half-brother."
So Suzie forgot about her Joe and planned to marry Will.
But after telling pappy this, he said "There's trouble still.
"You can't marry Will, my gal and please don't tell yo mother,
cause Will and Joe and several mo I know is yo half-brother."
But mama knew and said "Honey child, do what makes yo happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe, You ain't no kin to pappy!"
Religion
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Wonton spelled backwards is Not Now.
Short summary of every Jewish Holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that
you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."
Rent for the Apartment
A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with
her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not
have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a
check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT".
On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that
the whole event was not worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a
check for $250 and enclosed the following note:
Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I
rented the apartment I was under the impression that: 1) it had never
been occupied; 2) that there was plenty of heat; 3) that it was small
enough to make me cozy and feel at home. Last night, however, I found
it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was
entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for
$250 with the following note: Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand
how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on. Regarding
the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don't
have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady!
A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."
Trying to be funny, the daddy says "Honey, you do have a sister. You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."
The little girl thought about this and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"
Ways To Annoy Your College Roommate
* Switch the sheets on your beds with the next door neighbors.
* Twitch a lot.
* Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
* Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it.
Talk to them.
* Walk and talk backwards.
* Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all.
* Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of
weeks."
* Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to
masturbate while reading them.
* Smile. All the time.
* Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can.
When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it.
If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that
she/he reimburse you.
* Shoot rubber bands at your mate while his/her back is turned, and then
look away quickly.
* Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her
of stealing it.
* Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up and
announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
* Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
* Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with,
"Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
* Always flush the toilet three times.
* Buy a copy of Weird Al Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at
least 6 hours a day.
If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your
primitive cultures class.
* Listen to radio static.
* Cover one of the walls with polaroids of fire hydrants from all over the
city.
Tell your roommate that you think that you were a dog in a former life.
Stare lovingly at the photos, and make frequent trips to the bathroom.
* Get a small, battery-operated clock which ticks very loudly. Put it in
a briefcase and put the briefcase next to your mate's bed.
* Expound upon the importance of good personal hygiene. Wear rubber gloves
and a surgical mask in the room.
* Eat an entire bag of cheese curls at once. When you are finished, see
how many times you can make orange fingerprints from all of the cheese junk
left on your fingers.
* Walk around in circles all the time. Complain that your turn signal is
stuck.
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day
and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?"
he asked the new guy.
"Steve," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of
a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call
anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that
leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees
by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's
all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Watson. Now that
we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is Steve Darling."
"Okay Steve, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "
SIGNS OF THE TIMES
Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your
cervix."
On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE
Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next
blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your
nose?"
At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We
want tows."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear
you coming."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll
wait."
MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction
A woman is a bundle of contradiction
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house
She'll take him for better, she'll take him for worse
She'll break open his head and then be his nurse
But when he's well and can get out of bed
She'll pick up the teapot and aim for his head
Beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind
Crafty and cruel, yet simple and kind
She'll call him a king, then make him a clown
Raise him on a pedestal, then knock him flat down
She'll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man
Or make him her lackey to carry her fan
She'll run away from him and never come back
But if he runs away, then she'll be on his tracks
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose
She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad
MOODS OF A MAN
Horny.
Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profit
Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production
Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion
Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime
A Man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A Woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A Woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single man, but married men are a lot more
willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's mo use in two people
remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
WHAT NOT TO NAME YOUR DOG
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine
"Sex". Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told the clerk that I
would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one, too."
Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine
years old."
He said, "you must have been quite a kid!"
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a
special room for Sex. He said, "Every room in the place is for sex!"
I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Me too."
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of
the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married."
The Judge said, "Me too." Then I told him after I was married, Sex
left me. He said "Me too."
Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking for him around
the town. A cop came over to me and asked, "WHAT are you doing in the
alley at 4 O'clock in the morning?"
I said, "I'm looking for Sex."
My case comes up Friday!
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian were viewing a painting
of Adam and Eve walking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," mused the Brit. "They
must be British!"
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagreed. "They're naked, and
so beautiful. Clearly, they are French!"
"It is obvious they are Russian," argued the Russian. "They
have no clothes and no shelter, they have only an apple to
eat, and they are being told this is paradise!"
On the border of Kentucky and Tennessee there's a small
forest. Half of the forest belongs to a Kentucky farmer, while
the other half belongs to a Tennessee man.
One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the Tennessee
man comes across a wolf caught in a trap. He rushes back to
his house and calls his Kentucky neighbor.
"There's one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side of the
forest."
"How do you know it's one of *our* wolves?" the Kentucky
farmer asked.
"Well," the Tennessee man replied, "he's already chewed off
three of his legs and he's still trapped."
IN THE NEWS -- HEADLINES THAT SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN WRITTEN:
--Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty
--Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
--Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
--Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
--Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty
--Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper nor Body Found
--After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth
--Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide
--Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
--Woman Improving After Fatal Crash
--Deer Kill 17,328
--New Vaccine may Contain Rabies
--Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
--Publicize Your Business Absolutely Free! Just send $6.00.
A Lesson in Business
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much
like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign
which read 'BEST DEALS.'
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his
right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign
reading, 'LOWEST PRICES.'
The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the
biggest sign of all over his own shop.
It read... 'MAIN ENTRANCE'
someday...
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN OUT OF COLLEGE TOO LONG WHEN...
Your potted plants stay alive.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
You carry an umbrella.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
You're the one calling the police because those damn kids
next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 PM.
Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
MTV News is no longer your primary source of information.
You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "Pretty good stuff."
You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
Grocery lists are longer than Macaroni & Cheese, Diet Pepsi, and Ho-Ho's.
"I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
What if some famous movies were remade to fit into today's pop
culture? Instead of being in boring old English they'd be
written in Ebonics. I've taken the liberty of translating a
few easily identifiable movie quotes into this new language
for your reading pleasure.
"Luke, I'm your father."
Ebonics: "Hey boy, I's yo daddy."
"Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!"
Ebonics: "Later, bitch!"
"To be or not to be? That is the question."
Ebonics: "Is I is or is I ain't? Shiiit"
"I'll be back."
Ebonics: "I's a fixin' to bust a cap in yo ass."
"We're off to see the wizard."
"We's fixin' to see the hoodoo 'bout some voodoo."
"You've got to get mad! Stand up wherever you are, go to the
nearest window and yell as loud as you can: 'I'm mad as hell,
and I'm not going to take it anymore!'"
Ebonics: Fuuuck You!
"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it
will always be yours. If it doesn't come back it was never
yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living
room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your
telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize
that you had set it free, you're probably related to it."
- Chris Champagne
DEFINITIONS BY GENDER
THINGY:
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra
VULNERABLE:
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION:
female: The sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
partner.
male: Leaving a note before suddenly taking off for a
weekend with the boys.
BUTT:
female: The body part that "looks bigger" no matter what
is worn.
male: What you slap when someone scores a touchdown,
home run, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT:
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Trying not to pick up other women while out with
girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT:
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE:
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression
and male bonding.
FuN fAcTs
Q. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and
laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace.
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to
count until you found the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which
stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your
thumb.
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
The only two days of the year in which there are no professional
sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after
the Major League All-Stars Game.
The nursery rhyme "Ring Around the Rosey" is a rhyme about the
plague. Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores ("Ring
around the rosey"). The sores would smell very badly so common folks
would put flowers on their bodies somewhere (inconspicuously), so that it
would mask the smell of the sores ("a pocket full of posies"). Furthermore,
people who died from the plague would be burned so as to reduce the possible
spread of the disease ("ashes, ashes, we all fall down").