Title: A Strange Turn of Events

Disclaimer: Oh ok, these characters belong to Mutant Enemy, the very clever Joss Whedon and the rest of the gang.

Rating: R for potty mouths and adult concepts

Spoilers: Season 5, I'm just making 6 up.

Summary: Spike wakes up and finds out he's not that dead anymore.

Feedback: It's my drug o'choice. PLEEASEE :)

Distribution: yeah what the hell, go for it, if you want it, just let me know cos I'm like a slut for that kind of compliment.

Ok, the story:

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Chapter 1: Discovery

 

The first thing that Spike noticed when he woke up was the sound of a heartbeat. He couldn't remember going to bed with a human the night before, but he had been quite drunk so who knew. Slowly he opened eyelids that seemed too heavy and looked around. The pounding grew louder. He couldn't see anyone else. It was then that he realised. The heartbeat was coming from him.

Spike clutched at his chest. The pounding sound acclerating at an alarming pace. He could feel a thud, thud, thud under his hand. Then he realised that what he could hear wasn't actually a heartbeat, it was the sound of the blood pounding at a rapid pace through his skull.

Spike clutched said skull as a headache of mammoth proportions wracked his brain.

"Fuck," groaned Spike. Somehow, overnight he'd grown a heartbeat and got a hangover.

He gingerly shut his eyes and rested his head back down on his pillow. The pounding sound died down but the thud, thud was distinctly audible as Spike had a quiet little panic to himself.

**************

About an hour later Spike tried waking up again. This attempt was more successful but he still had a heartbeat. Although the headache had dulled.

Trembling slightly, he pulled himself of the stone bier that doubled for an uncomfortable bed.

Things weren't right. Not right at all. He felt sort of empty. Hollow, as if he was missing something. And he was hungry, but for some reason, all he could think about was peanut butter sandwiches. Spike stumbled to the fridge and pulled out a bag of blood. He looked at it and swallowed hard as nausea rose up in his throat.

Definitely not right.

Must be the hangover. Spike decided it might be easier to face the blood if he let his demon loose and vamped out before he started drinking.

He stopped. He'd forgotten how…He waited, it was never hard to vamp, harder to keep the demon down than get it up. He did the thing he usually did, it was like a switch in his brain…Nothing. Spike strained, trying to make his face go all bumpy. Nothing. He pulled a growly face. Nothing. He lost his temper. Nothing, except that it didn't agree with his hangover and the pounding of that damn heartbeat grew uncomfortably loud.

Spike tried taking the blood by surprise, but that didn't work.

Spike sank down on the floor, it was wrong. It was all wrong. He had a huge empty feeling inside of him and he was feeling…he was feeling all wrong. Hangover and heartbeat aside Spike felt odd. He couldn’t remember feeling like this ever. He couldn't even think of a name for what he was feeling. He knew, Happy, Angry, Sad, Mad, Horny, Spiteful, Scared, Sneaky, Petulant, Glad, but not…this. This felt like, like mud, in his heart and wiggy in his stomach, to borrow a scooby phrase. It felt like depressed but this was more different to his usual depressed. His usual depressed was equal parts Sad, Horny (usually for the person who made him depressed), Angry and Spiteful. This had…it had that annoying feeling he got when he fucked up lately and Buffy gave him that look. The one that said, good one Spike, now we're all fucked. Guilt, he decided to call it. Guilty and depressed and morose and sad and empty. And the pit in his stomach grew larger. And he still felt as if he was missing something.

Spike groaned and a feeling of complete, he didn't know what, welled up inside of him. He wrapped his arms around his knees and gave into the empty mud feeling in his chest. And cried.

Ten minutes later Spike suddenly felt better. Renewed. What was wrong with him? He was up and down like a yoyo. He wiped his eyes and face and found he had to blow his nose. It was then that he noticed the smell. Or rather, that he couldn't, as much. Fuck, his sense of smell was fucked.

Spike flared his nostrils taking in as big a breath as possible, filling his nose with an admittedly dusty smell…but not the usual chaos of scents. He let the breath out. Horror dawned on him. He was breathing. Not just the pretend, unconscious breathing Vampires did out of habit. This was actual, lung filling, oxygen entering into the blood stream, carbon dioxide coming out, respiration.

Spike held his breath. He didn't have to breath. Dammit. Thirty seconds later he open his mouth gasping for breath.

Fuck.

Ok, he was breathing, he had a heart beat. He couldn't vamp out. He didn't want blood. He couldn't smell properly. He lifted his arm and sniffed. Ok he did stink though. Since when did he sweat?

Fuck.

Spike decided to give into the general blah feeling that was hovering around his emotions. And since when did he even have all these emotions? And cried a bit more.

*********

"Hello my name is Spike and I am a human," said Spike.

"I'm human."

"Hey, guess what? I'm alive." This tickled his fancy. "He's ALLLIIIVVVVE!" He said in his best mad professor voice. He spat. "Fuck." An odd mix of emotions was tumbling through him. He was irritated, annoyed and felt a huge sense of loss, yet at the same time he was also oddly excited. One minute a heavy sadness settled in his stomach, the next he was filled with anticipation. Spike wanted to roar like a pissed off vampire. But he couldn't. In a sudden decisive moment he stormed to the crypt door and flung it open.

Spike stood at the door to his crypt. It was day. He could have sworn he'd gone to sleep in the morning, but here it was, morning, light, bright and sunny. How long had he been asleep? A beam of sunlight filled the small porch on the crypt. Spike took a deep breath and stepped outside. At the very least he'd be cured of this damn aliveness.

Nothing. Ok, he felt, warm. The sun was very bright, but…actually it was quite…pleasant. Spike stepped out of the porch into full, direct sunlight. Warmth, pleasant warmth.

No smoking, no bursting into uncomfortable flames. It was wrong, very wrong. But somehow, out in the sunshine, the sad blah feeling wasn't as intense anymore.

Spike took a deep breath. That wasn't so bad either. He couldn't smell all the smells he expected but there was a sweet summery scent in the air.

Spike decided to go and see Buffy. Let her know about these sudden changes he was going through.

At the thought of the Slayer, the heartbeat started thudding loudly again. Spike swallowed hard, trying to calm himself. He noticed his hands were shaking. What was he, nervous? Fucking nervous? Heart pounded louder.

Spike went back inside to get his duster.

He walked outside and he felt hot.

He went back inside throwing off his coat in disgust. He never felt too hot. And he was all sweaty. Spike pulled off his shirt. That was better. He lifted his arm again and took a whiff. He might not have as good a sense of smell as usual, but he could smell that.

"You pong mate," he told himself. If he was going to see Buffy, he didn't want to be stinking up the joint. Spike rifled through his box of stuff and was overjoyed to find a bottle of aftershave. He applied some liberally under each armpit. He took another whiff. It'd do until he found a shower.

Now clothes. He pulled on a clean black t-shirt and went outside again.

Still hot.

Inspiration struck. Spike went through his stuff and pulled out the Hawaiian shirt and the stupid baggy shorts he'd borrowed off Xander the time he'd shrunk his clothes in the wash.

With a grimace he pulled them on. At least he'd be comfortable. He left the shirt unbuttoned. He was after all going for the not-hot factor. It had nothing to do with wanting to show his abs off to Buffy.

Spike winced at this thought. It must be his heartbeat, he was never this pathetic yesterday.

He left his boots on and looked down at himself. Not bad.

"Lucky looking like a dork, I mean retro, is in fashion," he muttered. And then he set off, yelling abuse at himself in his head the whole way. But also enjoying the sun, secretly.

***********

 

Chapter 2: Odd Feelings

 

Spike was all prepared with a suitable leer and cocky expression when Buffy opened the door. He'd sort of formed this idea in his head on the way over, of how she'd freak out when she saw him standing in the sun, think he had the Gem of Amara again, all that. He'd even chuckled evilly to himself thinking about it. But now, here she was, standing there all wonderful, like sunshine. The cocky grin slipped from his face and the leer didn’t even make an appearance. Spike's heartbeat sped up and he found himself shaking. He gripped the porch rail with one hand in an attempt to steady himself.

"Hullo Buffy," he managed.

"Spike?" gasped Buffy. "What- Did you? The gem of Amara? Spike-" She was babbling, but Spike could barely hear her. He was too busy noticing her. She was different, felt different now. The usual wonderfully complex Buffy scent was dimmed to just a hint of vanilla and he couldn't hear her blood and powerful heart anymore. He couldn't smell her unique Slayerness. The loss was suddenly intensely painful. But yet her affect on him was a hundred times more powerful. He was overwhelmed by the pace of his heart, by the way it was suddenly hard to breathe, by the twisting in his stomach, by all the blood suddenly rushing to his groin. Spike swallowed hard, then leant over the rail and threw up.

Oh very suave.

Then he felt strong, small hands on his shoulders, holding him.

"Spike? What happened? Are you ok?"

Spike realised he probably didn't look very terrifying, shaking and wiping vomit from his lips.

"Buffy-" he managed. For fuck's sake man, pull yourself together. "I'm- " he decided to go with semi-honest. "I'm just not used to this heartbeat."

Buffy had been alternately shocked, afraid, then worried, in that order, when she found Spike standing on her doorstep in the middle of the day. Her surprise had turned to fear at the thought that he'd gotten hold of the Gem of Amara and was here to kill her. But the look on his face, one of confusion and almost fear had changed that. And then he'd thrown up. Definitely not scary anymore. Plus he was wearing a Hawaiian shirt and baggy shorts.

No, not the Big Bad. More the Being Sick While Wearing Amusing Clothes Guy.

"Heartbeat?" she asked. Then Buffy realised, Spike felt warm. She grabbed his wrist. He had a pulse. "God, Spike, you're…" Buffy stared at him.

"I'm bloody alive." Spike started seeing spots and his heart sounded painfully loud.

"Spike?" Buffy asked. And then Spike fell over in a dead faint. Buffy knelt beside him, he was breathing which probably wasn't a good sign, all thing considered. She sighed, picked him up and carried him inside. She lay him down on the couch and trying not to perve to much at his surprisingly well muscled chest, attempted to make him comfortable. She went and got a wash cloth and wiped his face with it.

Spike came to and saw an angel hovering over him. He felt that damn heartbeat start and the disconcerting feeling of all the blood rushing southwards again.

"Buffy?" He hoped she didn't look at his groin at that moment. It might be a bit hard to make up an innocent explanation and would probably lead to stakage. Spike suddenly brightened at the thought. He might not be stakeable now. Ok, he probably could be staked but it would just lead to emergency rooms and open-heart surgery. Not dust. Then the whole mortality concept hit him.

"Spike?" Buffy exclaimed as the look of perfect peace and tranquility on his face changed to complete horror.

"God, Buffy, I'm going to die."

Buffy sat down beside him and smoothed the hair away from his forehead. Suddenly she felt extremely protective of him. It was weird. Ok, so Spike hadn't been on the bad guy list for a long time. He was an official Scooby member now. Especially since the whole Buffy death and resurrection thing. Buffy knew how much he'd helped Dawn and the others when she'd died. Spike was, really, a friend now. But despite uncomfortable lust-filled, desirous and romantic thoughts which she tried to ignore as much as possible, Buffy hadn't felt this feeling of soft fondness and concern before, not for Spike.

Things had gone back to sort of normal between them after Buffy returned. Well except that Buffy had stopped seeing everything Spike did as being motivated by malice. She tried to take his assistance at face value and had even learned to thank him. But still it was the same bantering relationship it had been before Glory came along, without the hostile edge. And the desire to kill each other. Buffy had steadfastly refused to think about what other desire there might be. She was just back from the dead for crying out loud, now was not the time to embark on unhealthy relationships with dead people. That was even considering said dead people wanted to embark on relationships, which she wasn't sure of anymore.

But now Spike was alive. And scared. Buffy found herself confronted by the overwhelming and slightly ridiculous urge to give him a cuddle. Hold Spike and tell him it would be ok. But she didn't because he would give her that slightly sardonic look and smirk at her, or get annoyed. They didn't do sensitive and touchy feely. The only time Spike had hugged her, even gave her a hint of what his feelings might be, was when she came back. And that had been the last time. Sometimes, despite their companionable relationship Buffy even felt that Spike had indeed gotten over her, moved on. And oddly she always felt sort of disappointed and hurt, instead of relieved, which is what she should have felt.

"Spike, you're not going to die, not yet," she said firmly.

Spike looked up at Buffy and felt an amazing sense of comfort from her touching his forehead, smoothing his hair. He knew this wasn't a new human thing though, he'd felt that sense before, when Dawn had held him after Buffy had died. When he'd held Buffy when she came back. He loved her, still loved her and he was pleased to find that emotion holding firm, admist the guilt, worry and emptiness that rose like bile in his throat.

"What happened Spike?" Buffy asked him.

Spike closed his eyes, wishing he could truly sense her again. He missed that so much already. The pain was tangible. "Don’t know pet," he said. "I woke up with a shocking hangover and a heartbeat."

"Well you were putting them away pretty well last night," agreed Buffy. "I'm not surprised you had a hangover."

"But I'm not supposed to get hangovers love, I'm a vampire," he sat up, irritation flooding through him at an intoxicating rate. Bloody hell, no wonder he was a ponce as a human if this was what it was like. "I'm a vampire, not a bloody pathetic human!" He stood. "I can't be human!"

Buffy sat and watched him. She wasn't sure what response she'd expected from him, joy perhaps that he was human now? It certainly wasn't irritation. Something niggled at her, a forgotten something and suddenly the image of a joyful human Angel flashed through her brain. Angel wanted this so much and now Spike had it and he was pissed off about it. It was Buffy's turn to become irritated. He was so ungrateful.

Her eyes flashed as she stood up and faced him.

"Well you are Spike, so get over it."

Spike glared at her, a swirl of emotions confusing him, the blah feeling especially disconcerting him.

Blah and Sad won over.

"I just - I just don't know. I just-" and he started with that bloody crying thing again.

Buffy just watched in shock as Spike buried his head in his hands and began to sob.

This time she did take him in her arms. She held him uncomfortably, completely thrown by his outburst. She'd never seen him upset like this. Dawn had told her he'd cried when she died but Buffy hadn't really believed it. She imagined a few stoic tears fighting their way out, but not this gut-wrenching sobbing that was taking place now.

"Of course! You've got a soul!" exclaimed Buffy.

Spike lifted his tear-stained face up and stared at her. "I bloody do not."

"You're human." At least he'd stopped crying.

"So? I don't feel any different, expect for this bloody heartbeat and all the bloody mess of emotions and my demon's gone."

He realised it as soon as he'd said it. It wasn't just that he couldn't vamp out anymore. His demon was gone. That was the emptiness. His demon was gone. Spike started sobbing again.

Buffy hoped this lot of renewed sobbing was in relief, not sorrow at the loss of his demon. She guessed it must be traumatic. She remembered the look on Angel's face when Willow gave him back his soul, he seemed confused and upset as if he didn't remember what had happened in the time he'd been without it. Spike seemed different. He remembered all right. But he was still upset.

She knew Angel remembered his soulless life eventually, she wondered if that was what was happening to Spike now. Except he seemed more upset about being human than any of the evil things he'd done when he was a vampire. Probably just avoiding it, Buffy decided. Well he'd need support, while he came to grips with his new self. He'd just have to…what, stay here? Buffy care for him? The idea suddenly wigged Buffy with the intensity of its implications. She decided she'd make that decision when she got to it. She'd deal with one thing at a time. One thing was for certain though, he definitely needed a shower.

**************

 

Chapter Three: Taste

 

Spike stood under the shower, not thinking, just letting the warm water wash over his body. His warm, blood filled body. He'd had blood in his body as a vampire, but it had been cold, dead, stolen blood.

Spike had been a vampire more than five times longer than he'd been human and he didn't really remember what it was like to be human. He remembered things that had happened when he was human and the intense emotions that had accompanied those events, but not what it was REALLY like to be human, to feel alive. It was a load of bollocks what they said, about the vampire not being you, when you were turned. Spike felt no different now than before as far as his personality went, his memories were continuous. And when he'd been turned, so long ago, he hadn't changed, not really, he'd just suddenly found a new and better way to be. The repressed young man shunned and taunted by the human society he desperately tried to fit into broke free when he became a vampire. He no longer had to worry about what Mother thought, because Mother thought he was dead. He no longer had to worry about what society thought because he wasn't a part of that anymore. He didn't have to make a decent income, marry well, live an acceptable lifestyle. He could do whatever he bloody well pleased. Even say bloody.

When William became a vampire, he used it as an excuse to rebel. The shy, young man freed from the constraints of his mortal life, accepted now by a new strange family, became an extrovert, stomping on the pathetic side of himself that he had always hated. He didn't need Cecily, he didn't need the taunting, stuck-up ponces who he'd tried to impress, he had his dark princess and Angelus and even the bitch Darla. And Darla was never worse than the women who had tormented William's mortal life.

 

Spike took a gulp of warm water in his mouth and swallowed. No, it was still him, but now he had an emptiness where he was used to feeling the demon, the anger and power waiting to be released. And he supposed if he thought about it, he probably wouldn't be as ready to rip out someone's throat when they annoyed him as he used to be. It wasn't that something was holding him back, it was more the case of something not goading him on. The demon had been a bad influence. But apart from that, and an ever present sense of worry, guilt and possibly shame, Spike didn’t feel different at all. But that was to be expected, humans were always worrying about everything and feeling ashamed. Spike sighed, oh bloody terrific, gone were the heady days of having no shame. He didn't know if these feeling had always been there but just blocked out by the presence of his demon or whether this was a 'being alive' thing. He refused to think about a soul.

Spike had been freed by vampirism, but Angelus, who'd done whatever he chose when he was mortal was constrained by it. Angelus suddenly had rules to live by, be careful who you kill, keep it neat, don't make a spectacle of yourself, don't put the women in danger. Angelus had found responsibility. So Angelus and Spike had fought, and occasionally shagged and had loved but then Angelus, Spike's almost-sire, had left.

Spike had understood why Angelus had felt guilty with a soul, that was the whole point of the curse, but he wasn't quite sure why Angel had become such a complete prick when he lost it again. He supposed it was that repressed thing again, the soul had made Angel feel so bad that when that punishing weight was lifted, he acted out against what his soul had made him feel. Spike didn't think he was looking through rose coloured glasses when he remembered the good old days, before Angelus was souled, before he lost it, before he came back. Angel had definitely been different.

 

Spike sighed as he soaped up. So much for not thinking. At least the turmoil of emotions had calmed down a bit. He really had to get a handle on that, couldn't keep vomiting everytime he saw Buffy like that kid on South Park. Or worse bawling his eyes out. He was almost starting to get used to the pounding of his heartbeat every time he got scared or nervous or saw Buffy look at him like she gave a shit.

He washed off the suds and as he did he suddenly became aware of an uncomfortable feeling in his lower body. Around where the bladder should be. Spike turned off the shower and stepped out. He dried off with the towel Buffy had given him and noted that the uncomfortable feeling was getting worse. Lavatory, he needed the lavatory. Spike looked at the porcelain construction in the corner of the bathroom. He hadn't really paid much attention to toilets before. There had been amazing advances since Thomas Crapper's patented flush model back in 1898. Spike lifted the lid on the loo and then the seat tentatively. He dropped the towel around his waist to the floor.

"Can't be that hard. Bloody natural. Take hold, aim, relax, I guess."

Spike was feeling very pleased with himself by the time he ceremoniously pressed the flush button and lowered the seat and the lid. He'd watched enough tele to know that birds liked it when you did that. One memory from his previous human life returned to him and he did what Mother had taught him and washed his hands.

**************

By the time Spike was dressed again in Xander's very "interesting" outfit, he'd made up his mind to leave. He had started to feel very humiliated about his crying display in front of Buffy and he didn't really want to try out blushing, not just yet. When he went downstairs however he found Giles waiting for him. The Watcher was practically jumping with excitement at the news Buffy had told him. Looked bloody undignified, thought Spike sourly.

"Er, Spike, hello."

"Rupert," glared Spike suspicously.

"Spike, Buffy told me about…your symptoms."

"Symptoms? I'm bloody alive again Watcher. Tell your bleeding council that one. Hallefuckinglulah, there's a cure for bloody vampirism. Apparently involves large quantities of alcohol."

"Spike, I had to tell him - maybe this is just temporary." Buffy looked at him apologetically. It seemed a good idea to call Giles at the time, but now she felt bad as if she'd betrayed Spike somehow.

"Yes well, we must tell Giles, cause heaven knows I wouldn't be able to deal with this one myself."

Buffy's eyes flashed. "I thought he was supposed to get nicer with a soul."

"I haven't got a bloody soul! Can't you get it through your head. I'm me. I have a heartbeat, that's all!"

"Now Buffy, I'm sure Spike's feeling very overwhelmed by this turn of events. That's probably why he's being a little short with us." Giles was studying Spike like a paleontologist examining a very rare specimen of dinosaur crap.

"Fascinating."

"It's not fascinating! It's bloody awful!"

Spike sank down on the couch and buried his face in his hands. Not going to cry. Not going to cry.

Buffy and Giles looked at him, wondering if he was going to cry. Buffy hoped not. Giles hoped so, it would be intriguing. Obviously Spike was experiencing all sorts of emotional upheaval and was in an acute state of denial.

Buffy forgot she was irritated by him and sat down next to him.

"Go away."

"Can't, I live here."

Spike stood up. "I'll go away then," and he headed for the door. Buffy grabbed him by the arm.

"Spike, wait. You need to talk about this. We need to…make sure everything's ok. And I mean what if it's not permanent and you re-vamp halfway home?"

Spike's nostrils flared, humiliated at the sudden knowledge that he was no match for Buffy's strength and was completely in her power. He was a weak, ineffectual human.

"Fine," and he stopped resisting, pretending he never had been in the first place.

"Right," said Giles. "Good. Now that's settled, let's all have a nice hot cup of tea and discuss this." Spike could see Giles' fingers itching to write in his notebook.

"Good idea, except I haven't got any tea." Inspiration hit Buffy. "Hot chocolate! You like hot chocolate don't you Spike?"

A very loud grumble sounded from the stomach region of Spike. He realised he was very hungry. He ducked his head and grinned at Buffy ruefully, irritation evaporating. She remembered what he liked!

"Bit hungry, pet," he said apologetically.

"Oh! Of course! What do you want to eat?" How could she have been so thoughtless, of course he was hungry.

"Uh, do you have any peanut butter?" Spike asked his craving from earlier returning.

Buffy smiled at him. "Peanut butter sandwich?"

Spike blushed, (damn), embarrassed by her kind smile. "Yeah, thanks, that'll be good."

They went into the kitchen and Buffy started making him a sandwich.

"I'll make us all coffee," said Giles and started fishing around in the cupboards.

Spike realised he was very hungry and started going through the fridge. He pulled out a carton of milk and a block of chocolate. He poured himself a big glass of milk and broke off a piece of chocolate.

"Hey, you'll ruin your dinner."

"Got room for it, Slayer," growled Spike defending the chocolate. And then he bit into it and nearly had an orgasm then and there. Bloody hell, it tasted good. Better than good. It was the best thing he'd ever tasted. Spike took a gulp of milk. It went perfectly with the chocolate and he nearly had another nearly orgasm.

Buffy looked up at as Spike moaned in pleasure. A look of pure delight was on his face as he ate a piece of chocolate very slowly, savouring each bite. It was very sensual and Buffy suddenly felt very warm between her legs. Trying not to blush she returned to the sandwiches she was making.

Almost made up for losing the sense of smell, this sense of taste did, Spike thought dreamily as he licked chocolate off his fingers. The scent of chocolate was more pleasant too, now that he had dulled nasal senses.

Then Giles poured hot water into the coffee plunger, and the sharp aroma of that made Spike's mouth water. He decided it was bloody lucky he couldn't smell as well as he used to otherwise he'd be cumming all over his pants just walking into a kitchen.

Buffy gave him a friendly smile as she carried a plate of peanut butter sandwiches to the table. Spike followed her and sat down eagerly. Buffy felt herself tense in anticipation of the expression on his face when he ate them. Giles too stopped plunging the coffee and watched as Spike bit into the first sandwich. More heaven. He bit, he swallowed he ate the whole sandwich in almost three bites. Then he gulped down more milk and picked up another sandwich.

Spike suddenly realised he had an audience. He glared at them.

"I'm not a bloody sideshow," he growled.

"Yes, right of course," murmured Giles turning back to the coffee.

Buffy blushed, and looked away. Spike cocked his head to one side, considering her, curious about her reaction. Why would she blush about watching him eat a sandwich?

***************

 

Chapter 4: Questions

 

I'm happy, I'm feeling glad
I've got sunshine in my bag,
I'm useless, but not for long
My future is coming on

-Gorillaz, Clint Eastwood

 

Buffy ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and watched Spike try this delicacy from her childhood. She almost giggled, watching the look of delight and amazement on his face at every new taste he tried. And he sure loved that milk. He made her want to do anything, just so long as he kept that expression on his face. Ok, she chided herself, so not going there.

Giles was also watching Spike with fascination, but Buffy thought somehow that it wasn't quite for the reasons she was. The Watcher scribbled in his notebook and cleaned his glasses on a regular basis.

"So, Spike, you don't feel you have any of your vampiric characteristics left?" Giles asked.

"Well I can't go all fangy, and I can't smell half as good as I used to, and I suppose the hearings not the best anymore either. Oh and for some reason I don't burst into flames in the sun." Now he'd been fed, Spike was being much more amicable and less hostile about his humanity.

"Crosses?" suggested Buffy.

Spike winced. "All right, let's give it a go then."

Buffy pulled the crucifix she wore around her neck out of her blouse and held it towards him. Spike shifted a little closer to her, ignoring his rising nervousness at this close proximity to Buffy. He was once a Master Vampire, he could control himself. Dammit.

Tentatively he reached forward and touched the silver cross.

Nothing.

He glanced up and saw Buffy smiling at him, pleased. Spike half returned the smile, and quickly looked back at the nice comforting plate of sandwiches that weren't making his heart pound too rapidly.

"Crosses, no effect," Giles murmured, writing in his notepad. "Mirrors? Can you see your reflection?"

Spike nodded and gave Giles a cocky grin. "And I'm just as sexy as I remember."

Buffy smirked and rolled her eyes. "Hey, now you can see yourself, maybe you can do something about the hair."

"Hey, what's wrong with my hair? I look really dangerous with this hair." Spike had discovered his reflection in the bathroom mirror as he was getting dressed. He'd rubbed the fog off the glass and spent a good half-hour pulling faces and messing with his hair. He'd been amazed by how large the scar on his eyebrow actually was. It did look pretty impressive though. Spike'd messed his hair up just a bit and noticed that he did in fact bear a bit of resemblance to Billy Idol.

"Yeah, well I had this look first," Spike had muttered to himself. Then he'd slicked it back in his usual style. Why mess with perfection, he thought to himself with a grin. Spike did consider dying his hair blue though. That wouldn't look too bad.

"Uhuh," said Buffy with a look that clearly said there was plenty wrong with his hair, but he could keep being deluded if he wanted to. A very odd, familiar feeling came over her, the kind of feeling she used to get when she was fourteen. Buffy groaned inwardly. Oh, God, she wanted to give him a makeover. This was so wrong. Then Buffy looked at the slightly offended expression on Spike's face, and decided to go with it. She reached out speculatively and mussed his hair, just a little at the front. "There that's better."

"Here, get off Slayer," Spike said, but he didn't really put his heart into it and didn't fix his hair either.

Buffy sat back, satisfied, she'd been wanting to do that for ages.

Spike looking slightly embarrassed turned back to Giles, who was looking particularly long-suffering.

"Do you have any garlic Buffy?" Giles asked.

Buffy wrinkled her nose. "Ewww, no."

"And until we go to someone's home where you've never been before we won't know if you need to be invited in."

That was a thought. No more uninvite spells. Spike almost grinned.

"Obviously stakes are out…" Giles perused the list he'd drawn up.

"Yeah, keep them to yourself Watcher," growled Spike, he'd rather have no heart related stabbings at this juncture thank you very much.

"The chip!" exclaimed Buffy.

"Yes good point," said Giles. "Can you hurt humans Spike?"

Spike smirked at them both. "Only one way to find out," he leered. "Which of you pair volunteers?"

"Ooh hit me, hit me," smirked Buffy bouncing up and down in her chair like a little girl.

Spike glared at her. "You don't think I can do it!"

"Oh I think you can hurt humans, Spike. I just don't think you can take me."

"Don't you now Slayer?"

"No, I don't."

And before she could react, Spike had reached out and tugged hard on her hair.

"Hey!? And ow?" she glared at him.

Spike sat back in his chair with a very smug look. "That answer your question Rupert?"

"Yes, thank you Spike, I think you've proved sufficiently that you can, in fact, hurt people now."

It was a bittersweet moment for Spike. He could hurt humans again. But somehow he couldn't care less. How annoyingly ironic.

"So what else then Watcher. Want me to dip my hand in a font of holy water? Throw a bunch of seeds on the floor and not stop to pick them up?"

"No, I think we've full covered your vampire traits or lack thereof." Giles put his notebook back in his breast pocket. "I would like to examine you though, medically."

Spike smirked. "Get me to strip down to me knickers so you can do the prod and poke then Rupert?"

"That won't be necessary. I just want to take your blood pressure and listen to your heart and lungs."

Spike shrugged and sat patiently while Giles fetched a stethoscope and blood pressure gauge from his bag.

"You carry that kind of stuff around all the time Ripper?"

Giles sighed. He was too excited about this amazing event though to be put off by Spike's smart arse comments. "No, but I thought they might come in handy on this occasion."

Buffy sat next to Giles and watched as the Watcher put the stethoscope to Spike's chest and stomach. Giles then had him turn around so he could put it to his back. Spike slipped off Xander's Hawaiian shirt and sat backwards on the chair, leaning on the back while Giles listened to his lungs with his cold stethoscope.

Suddenly Buffy realised Giles was saying something to her.

"Huh? What?" Buffy shook herself. Ok, watching Spike's smooth, muscular physique equaled very bad for concentration.

"I said could you call Willow and ask if she and Tara could do a magic detection spell, I'd like to find out how this happened."

"Oh, yeah, sure," and Buffy reluctantly left the room to make the call.

"So what's the verdict doc?" Spike asked, slipping his shirt back on.

"You'll live," said Giles dryly.

"Ha bloody ha Watcher. Is there anyway to reverse this?"

"Aside from the usual manner? I don't know yet. Are you sure you can't remember what happened?"

Spike shook his head. "I was out with the Slayerettes and had a few drinks. I went home, watched a bit of telly, had another glass of bourbon then went to bed. I woke up and I'm a sodding mess."

"This is truly fascinating Spike, the Watcher's council will be literally combust when I publish my findings."

Spike's mouth drew into a tight line. "Well I'm bloody glad someone's getting something out of this," he muttered.

"You're human Spike, " Giles said, genuinely surprised. He hadn't really been paying any attention to Spike's bellyaching over his new humanity. He was certain it was just Spike being Spike. "You've been given a second chance. This is nothing short of a miracle. If we can find out how it happened we might be able to help all vampires."

"Has it ever occurred to you that we don't want to be helped? That we like being one step up the food chain?"

"Spike I know this will take some adjusting to but -"

Buffy stuck her head around the door at that moment. "Will and Tara are coming over now. Hey Spike, do you want to go to the Bronze tonight? We were thinking a sort of 'Welcome Back to Life' Spike celebration thing."

Spike's emotions did another about turn. Buffy's excitement infected him and suddenly he was feeling that sense of anticipation again about being alive. The fact that Buffy and Willow, especially Buffy, would think his becoming a human was a cause for celebration was responsible for a bit of emotional upheaval as well. Spike swallowed.

"Yeah, ok Slayer."

This was bloody confusing.

******************

 

Chapter 5: Adjustment

 

The first thing Spike did when he got back to his crypt later that day was to grab his packet of cigarettes out of his duster. Spike shut his eyes as the first breath of smoke entered his lungs. Oh fuck, this was good. It had never felt this good before. His working lungs absorbed the nicotine and assorted chemicals. Slowly Spike exhaled and brought his cigarette to his lips for another puff. No wonder humans got addicted to this stuff, he thought in pleasure. Previously Spike's penchant for tobacco had been more psychological than anything. The smoke had filled his lungs yes, it had entered his bloodstream, yes, but the addictive quality had come more from the habit of doing it, the enjoyment of doing it, than from any chemical effect.

"What are you doing?" The cigarette was ripped from his fingers.

"Hey-" Spike opened his eyes and glared at the Slayer. He hadn't felt as annoyed with her in a long time.

"You can't smoke now!"

"Why the fuck not?"

"You'll get cancer and emphysemia and heart disease and you'll harm your baby…if you were a pregnant women, which, obviously you're not."

Spike gave her a smirk. "Since when did you care about my welfare Slayer?"

Buffy looked at him in frustration. "You're human now, you're my responsibility." It wasn't exactly why she cared but it would do.

"I'm bloody not your responsibility. And if I want to die a slow, painful cancer related death that's my bloody business." Spike looked at the packet in his hands. "Oh bloody hell!" he yelled in frustration and threw it across the room.

Ignoring Buffy, Spike stomped over to the other side of the crypt and got some clothes together to wear to the Bronze. They were at the crypt primarily so Willow and Tara could do a magic detection spell. It was a fairly short and unspectacular piece of magic. The witches stopped and looked at each other in confusion.

Then they tried it again.

Then again.

The two witches collapsed exhausted on Spike's couch.

"Its no good Giles," gasped Willow. "Nothing happened here, at least not magical."

"All we picked up was the first detection spell," shrugged Tara.

Giles frowned.

"We can have a look in our books, maybe there's a stronger spell, something different that might work…"

"Yes, yes, thank you Willow, Tara," said Giles distractedly. "I'll have a look through my books at home."

Spike sat on his sarcophagus watching them. Red and Tara had been almost jumping with excitement when they arrived at Buffy's. They'd both hugged him and said things about how wonderful it was and congratulations. Spike had been torn between the desire to hurl abuse at them, tell them it was not bleeding wonderful, and to hug them back and embrace their enthusiasm. Their arms had felt nice about him so he went with the latter. He watched the witches slump in the couch. He didn't know whether he wanted them to find the cause of this or not. He was more concerned about whether this was permanent or not. Spike supposed that in order to answer that question they would have to find out why he'd become human in the first place. He didn't want to launch into a human life, then, one week later, wake up a vampire again. That would be bloody irritating. And if they did, what then, part of him, a big part, wanted to be turned back, back to his good old carefree and relatively invincible self. The other part was trying to be cool and casual while inwardly jumping up and down with excitement over the opportunities offered by humanity. Yeah, thought Spike darkly, Alzheimers, the old people's home and death. Bloody terrific. Marriage, children, love, sunshine, food, were words he firmly pretended he didn't think.

Spike looked over at the Slayer, she was leaning against a pillar watching proceedings. Even looking at her made Spike's heart race. He'd been so broken when she died. Now there was someone he thought was invincible. Buffy wasn't supposed to die, not his glorious Slayer. But she had and he had mourned her loss. And then, she was back. And for Spike, things were different. He'd been so relieved to be able to see her walking, talking, living again that it had been enough for quite awhile. And then, as he became used to her being alive again, sure she wasn't going to vanish suddenly, he began to think again about his feelings for her. She acted differently towards him too, now. He supposed it was the Glory thing, Buffy accepting him as one of them. The vicious edge had gone from their relationship. He felt like they really were friends. And then, though he loved her, more than anything, he suddenly realised he was happy to accept that. Happy to just love her. Suddenly it didn't matter how she felt about him, as long as he was allowed to be near her, just love her, it was fine by him. He still wanted her, bloody hell he wanted her. But yet, that wasn't all of what he wanted. He wanted her smile and sometimes, just sometimes, she gave him that. He wanted her laugh, and sometimes she gave him that. He wanted to breath her scent, watch her move, fight with that incredible power that had stunned him in the first place. And he got it. It wasn't just sex. It wasn't just possession. If he wanted sex there were a birds who'd open their legs as soon as he turned on his accent and charm. But…they weren't Buffy and would never be her. Spike had known he'd live for much longer than this bright spark of sunshine, and her temporary death had brought home to him that Buffy's very existence was a thing to cherish. Spike had made up his mind to just enjoy having her near for as long as he could.

'Course, he still tossed off thinking about her late at night in his crypt.

And it helped that sometimes, just sometimes, rarer than the smiles and the laugh, she gave Spike a look. A crumb.

But now he was human and Spike didn't want to think about what that might mean in regards to Buffy. Didn't want to think about the amazing possibility that she might be his now he was human. Thinking about that kind of thing only led to inevitable disappointment and furniture kicking. Best not to really. Although, the concern and care Buffy had been showing towards him was throwing Spike. Spike couldn't deny that he liked Buffy being nice to him, but he didn't want her pity. A sudden happy hopeful thought dared to enter his consideration. Maybe it wasn't pity, maybe Buffy was just showing genuine concern, like she would for one of the other scoobies. Maybe she really cared. About him.

Spike frowned. This was all very confusing he thought for the hundredth time that day.

Then, Buffy was walking towards him, setting off all that damn heart again.

"Got everything you need?" she asked.

"Huh, oh, yeah. Got my poofter tan pants and a shirt. Should do for the Bronze."

"Shouldn't you get a few more clothes?"

Spike looked at Buffy curiously. "Why-"

"You don't want to have to keep coming back here to get clean stuff, might as well get them now."

"Why wouldn't I -" Spike frowned. "Buffy? I- why wouldn't I come back here?"

Buffy coloured. "But - I thought, I mean, you can't stay here, it's not safe."

Spike looked at her. "I'll be fine," he said stiffly. Half of him felt touched by her caring, the other half felt humiliated at yet another reminder of his new weakness. He felt very impotent and not in control. Worse than the damn chip.

"Spike, you can't stay here," Buffy repeated. "What if a demon or a vampire finds out you're human? You'll just be a sitting snack."

Spike glared at her. "I'll be fine, Slayer."

"Spike, if I let you stay here and you do get killed then it'll be my fault."

Ok, guilt trip not working, Buffy thought as Spike's expression remained annoyed and unyielding. Buffy looked at her Watcher desperately. "Giles! Tell Spike he can't stay here."

"Uh, well, Buffy has a point Spike, it would be rather foolhardy to remain here at night alone. I know you can take care of yourself, but-"

"But I'm just a sodding human now and all the nasties will be out to get me." Spike's jaw worked in his cheek. "Fine. So, you taking me in then Slayer?"

He didn't wait for an answer and marched over to his box of stuff, rummaging through it.

"Uh," Buffy glanced at Giles and made an on the spot decision. "Yeah, I mean yes. I'll move into Mom's room and you can have my room."

"Buffy-" began Giles but Buffy gave him a look that brooked no opposition. Couldn't he see that this was the only way Spike would leave the crypt?

"Uh, yes, right of course," murmured Giles, not quite sure he understood the implications of this exchange but giving in to Buffy. It had been a long time since Buffy had given in on something when she had that expression. It was worse than Willow's resolved face.

Spike stood up, a duffel bag now full of this and that.

"We going now?" he demanded.

Buffy winced at his belligerent tone. "Will, Tara? You guys finished?"

Spike stepped outside into the sun and suddenly things didn’t seem so bad. Bloody hell, he thought, as embarrassment hit him. He'd made a right git of himself hadn't he? The Slayer had just invited him to live with her. And he'd been ungrateful. Fuck. And since when did he care about that? Bugger. Spike took a deep breath and looked around at the cemetery. In the daylight it seemed so peaceful, like it really was a place of rest. He could hear birds singing and he looked up into the blue sky. It seemed to go on forever. He was suddenly struck by the thought that Dru would have loved this. Suddenly he wished he could make her human, let her enjoy this. She'd appreciate it more than him.

"Used to be a vampire," he said aloud, suddenly struck by how unreal that seemed. Standing here in the bright sun, the scent of flowers, the hum of insects, it suddenly seemed so incongruous. He felt as if he always must have been human. Being a vampire seemed so unreal. Throwing his duffel bag into Giles's convertible he walked off into the cemetery a little ways.

Buffy walked through the cemetery looking for Spike. Willow, Tara and Giles were in the car, waiting to go. Suddenly she stopped, seeing him. He was just standing there, his back to her, looking at the sky.

"Hey," she said, not wanting to disturb him. "Ready to go?"

Spike turned around at her voice, a huge grin on his face.

"Buffy," he said quietly. "I'm human."

Buffy smiled. "Yeah, you are."

Spike considered her for a minute then suddenly grabbed her and planted a very firm kiss on her mouth. He released her and, humming, walked back towards the car.

After a stunned beat, Buffy blinked, shook her head slightly and followed after him.

Giles dropped them off and left with his usual 'be carefuls' to go home and research. Willow and Tara helped Buffy move some of her things into her mother's room. They cleared some drawers and Buffy's vanity table. Just so Spike felt like this was his space now.

"Its so bizarre, one minute he's either crying or being all grouchy, the next he's grinning like an idiot," Buffy was saying. "I hate to say it but I almost wish he was Vampire Spike again." Vampire Spike. That Spike would be making smart remarks and possibly cast a disparaging personal comment in her direction. Then Buffy could have snapped something back and he would have been pleased to get a bite out of her, which was the point of it anyway - to get Buffy to react. Now he got sad and upset or sulky. Buffy for some weird, odd reason just wanted to comfort him. It gave her the wiggins. He seemed a bit more cheerful since she found him in the cemetery though. He was currently downstairs watching television. Buffy hadn't asked him to help, the last thing she needed was Spike looking through her underwear drawer.

"I guess its like when Angel got his soul," said Willow. "Except without the grinning bit. Angel was more broody than grinny."

"Yeah," said Buffy quietly. She suddenly realised that maybe that was why she was feeling like she did. She hadn’t been able to comfort Angel properly when he got his soul back the second time, instead she sent him to hell. Maybe she was trying to compensate.

Buffy looked at her now slightly less empty room.

"He needs Spike stuff," she said.

"It will be so hard for him to adjust, I mean, now he's human, he'll have to find somewhere to live, support himself, buy food, clothes…" Tara started making Buffy's bed up.

"Hey Will, Tara, you guys up for some clothes shopping tomorrow?"

Willow glanced at Tara then raised an eyebrow. "Are we talking clothes that would fit on an ex-vampire kind of shopping?"

"Uhuh," said Buffy. "I just happen to have a certain father's credit card. He said it was for essentials. As long as I don't spend over $500 this month, he'll cover it." She had a very naughty look on her face. The kind of look Willow hadn't seen for so long, not since highschool, not since Acathala.

"Buffy you are very bad."

"It's for a good cause, Will," said Buffy seriously. "We will rehabilitate Spike."

Willow and Tara exchanged more glances, then grinned. This could be fun.

****************

 

Chapter 6: Cookies and Sunsets

 

Spike flicked through the channels on the television. Passions had just finished. That hadn't changed, thank God. Obviously, tv watching senses were the same whether you were a vampire or a human. And his emotions had been blessedly normal too, throughout the whole episode. He'd been half afraid he'd start bawling or something at a critical moment. Now that would be bloody humiliating. Not that Passions didn't have some legitimate tear jerking moments. Bloody great show. Spike flicked through the channels, not much else was on. He was still trying to decide whether to apologise for going off before about Buffy's offer of accommodation. She was just trying to help.

Spike didn't feel particularly guilty about his past as a vampire. He wasn't sure whether that meant he had a soul or not, or whether he just wasn't a particularly good person. The guilty feelings he did have were related to things he'd said to Buffy, or failed to do for Dawn, even for things he'd done or said to Dru - and he'd felt that long before today. He certainly didn't feel guilty about the whole blood drinking thing. It was natural, it was what vampires did. It was like asking a cat to feel guilty for eating mice. Spike had watched a cat with a mouse once and it had been at least as cruel as he'd ever been.

Vampires were inherently selfish. They were, after all, essentially humans with power and without restraint. When you were beyond sanction, it was natural to go ahead and do exactly as you pleased. Spike had been merciless. He'd liked the smell of fear and didn't particularly care about human feelings. But relatively speaking he hadn't been particularly cruel. Spike decided it all came down to how you treated your own species. And whether you were a sick fuck or not. 'Sides, was only human stupidity usually that made someone Spike's victim. He wasn't like that poof Dracula who liked to haunt girlies in their bedrooms. Or Angelus who entered into some perverse psychological relationship with an intended victim. Stalking had its merits but why go to so much trouble when there were plenty of happy meals on legs wandering about the streets where no invite was needed? Give him a bloody good fist fight any day. A nice hunt, then the feed. Spike's lack of finesse and refinement in the whole killing department had been a bone of contention with Angelus. Load of bollocks, thought Spike, why be all prissy about it when you could use the hell given powers you had and just take what you wanted? Spike had given up manners the moment he joined the undead.

The kill had mattered to Spike as much as Angelus, but it was how you got there that was different. Spike liked the fight. Blood, glory and sod all else. Which was probably why he went after Slayers. He certainly didn't feel guilty about the two dead Slayers he was responsible for. Those two kills had been fair and square and the two of the three best fights of his life. The third involved a blonde slayer who dropped an organ on him. And nothing had seemed more right than to fight a Slayer. It had felt almost like his raison detre.

So, definitely no guilt there. If broodiness and beating yourself up over being a vampire was a sign of a soul then Spike guessed he was severely lacking in the whole immortal spirit department. There was that bloody annoying whiney, guilty, worried feeling of mild shame that seemed to be an ever present companion now. But maybe it had always been there, just not noticeable with the demon banging on all the time about thirst and violence. Spike had to admit things were a great deal quieter without it.

"Hey!" cried Willow, poking her head into the living room. "We made hot chocolate and cookies."

Spike looked at her curiously. All this being nice to him was very disconcerting.

"Come out and sit on the back porch. You can see the sunset then."

Spike was touched. He gave Willow a shy smile. "Haven't seen one of those properly for a long while."

Willow led him outside and they both sat down. It wouldn't be sunset for another half an hour, Spike knew, from the shadows cast, and from the time the sun had set the day before.

Buffy and Tara came out then. Tara carried a plate of cookies. Buffy handed him a mug of hot chocolate. With tiny marshmallows. Spike gave her a grateful smile as way of apology for getting pissed off with her back at the crypt. It was the best he could do. Buffy quirked an eyebrow and Spike suddenly grinned. She seemed to say, yeah don't keep it up fang boy. It made him feel normal for some reason.

"Ta, love," he said and sipped the drink. Spike groaned in ecstasy. Never had hot chocolate tasted like this.

Willow, Tara and Buffy exchanged glances and tried very hard not to giggle. Buffy had told them about Spike's new enhanced appreciation for food. The witches had decided that definitely called for a demonstration.

"Cookie Spike?" asked Willow and they waited in anticipation for the look of delight on his face as he tasted the double choc chip fudge cookies. They got it. Spike shut his eyes, tasting the gooey chocolate cookie. He almost moaned.

****************

Dawn walked into the house and saw heard voices from the back porch. She dropped her school bag on the floor and went out the back.

"Hey," she said. "Ooh cookies, gimme!" She grabbed a cookie and sat down next to Spike.

Spike, who was sitting outside in the middle of the day. Not smoking, in a burning up in the sunlight kind of way. Wearing very dorky clothes. Ooh, she could see his chest. Not so dorky.

"Spike?" Dawn looked at him. Spike put down his hot chocolate. He glanced up at Buffy.

"Hey, guess what Nibblet? I'm alive."

Dawn stared at him, then tentatively reached out and put her hand over his heart. She could feel it thudding rapidly.

"You're alive?"

Spike nodded, trying to gauge her reaction and ignore his own confused emotions.

Suddenly he found himself enveloped by gangly fifteen year old. Dawn squealed.

"Spike! This is so excellent." She hugged him fiercely. "Wow! You're alive. Oh wow! This is so cool!"

Spike looked up at Buffy, embarrassed by this display of emotion over him. She gave him an odd smile, then turned and went inside.

Buffy stood inside the kitchen for a minute, a big smile on her face, sniffing back tears. She swallowed hard. Ok, she wasn't going to get all soppy and movie of the week about this. But just seeing Dawn's over the top reaction at having Spike human, seeing the shy, embarrassed-pleased look on his face. Well, it was just so sweet. Buffy wiped her eyes.

She suddenly realised that she'd wanted to do exactly what Dawn had done since Spike told her this morning.

*******************

"And you've got to come to the beach! You'll love it! Oh and we can go roller blading!"

Dawn was thinking of all the daytime related activities Spike could now participate in.

He just sat there with a bemused look on his face. Willow and Tara had been exchanging, "isn't this sweet" glances ever since Dawn had launched herself at Spike.

"Hey Dawnie," Buffy said, coming back outside. She was pretty certain she wasn't going to start sniffling again. "We're all going to the Bronze tonight to celebrate Spike being alive. Do you want to stay at a friends place or will I get Giles to look after you?"

"Why can't I come?"

"Because, because you're only fifteen and it will be a drinking kind of celebration."

"But Spike's my friend too-" Suddenly something clicked in Dawn's head. She stopped her arguments. "Fine, whatever, I'll stay at Carla's."

Buffy looked at her sister suspiciously, that had been too easy.

Dawn squeezed Spike's arm and then skipped inside, giving Buffy an amused glance. She could read between the lines, Buffy and Spike needed some alone time tonight.

**************

Spike stood in the bathroom, styling his hair. It was so much easier when he couldn't see what he looked like. Slick the hair back, all done, that kind of thing. Now he combed it this way and fluffed it that. He stood back and studied his handiwork. Then he flexed his muscles and pulled an "I'm so sexy" face.

"Git," he told himself.

"Spike! Are you done in there?"

"Yeah love, just a minute."

Spike wrapped the towel around his waist and put the comb and a number of Buffy's hair products away.

Buffy stood outside the bathroom. Spike had been in there for ages. Probably admiring himself in the mirror. She could see the whole reflective surfaces thing was not a novelty that was going to wear off anytime soon. She'd caught him playing with his hair in the hall mirror earlier that afternoon, and sneaking glances in Giles's rear-vision mirror in the car.

Finally the door opened and Spike stepped out. Spike only wearing a towel. Towel slung low on hips.

"Sorry I took so long, pet, hope I didn't use all the hot water." Spike noticed Buffy staring at him and cocked his head to one side curiously.

"Huh? Uh, no problem. You're clothes are over there. I mean your room is-" Buffy blushed bright red.

A smirk slid across Spike's face, further disconcerting Buffy because suddenly he was dangerous, self-assured Spike she knew so well.

"Thanks pet, you showed me before. I'll go there now. Put some clothes on maybe." Bastard. Smirk firmly in place, he wriggled his eyebrow at her as he brushed past, chest still glistening wetly from the shower. Buffy couldn't help but notice the tight stomach abs and the fine little trail of hair that led from his belly button downwards… Maybe letting him stay was a bad idea after all. Buffy turned even redder as she noticed the slight tent that had been pitched about groin level on Spike's body.

Spike leant against the shut bedroom door, trying to get his body under control. In some respects it had helped that Buffy had become as flustered as he felt. In other respects it had made things a hundred times worse. Knowing that Buffy had appreciated his body certainly helped in the self-assured department but did nothing for the surge of warmth in the region of his second, more dominant brain. He had managed to pull off a show of cocky confidence though. He hoped.

Bloody hell. Now his palms were sweating too.

*************

Willow and Tara had brought bronzing clothes over and were dressed and waiting downstairs with Spike for Buffy. Willow wished Buffy would hurry up because Spike's pacing was getting just a little on the irritating side. Not nearly as much as the jumping up and down on the spot though.

"Come on Buffy," Spike muttered impatiently. "Flowering onions and buffalo wings are waiting."

Tara and Willow exchanged glances. For a vampire that always appreciated food, humanity was proving exceptional in the gastronomic department.

"Did you enjoy food this much before you were turned?" Willow asked.

Spike shrugged. "Don't remember, really." He sank down on the lounge. "Bread and butter pudding," he said. "I remember that. The kind I had when I was a kid. With raisins. And hot porridge on a cold morning." He looked off dreamily, then shook himself. "Course, I've eaten all sorts of things since then."

"How…how does it feel?" Tara asked hesitantly with a glance at Willow. "Being alive again. Is it different?"

Spike shrugged again. "Yeah, sorta, still getting used to this heartbeat." He smirked the witches. "Don't feel all broody and poof like if that's what you're asking."

More glances were exchanged between the wiccas.

Tara looked at Spike seriously. "You know, if you need to talk to anyone…about any…feelings or anything…I'm very good at listening."

Spike gave her a crooked grin. "Ta, thanks love. Don’t think I need to do any unburdening at this stage, but thanks for the offer." The lover wiccas were too sweet for Spike to bare his figurative soul to.

"You should talk to Anya," said Willow. "I mean, she'll know exactly what you're going through."

Spike frowned and resisted the urge to get snappy with these two well-meaning women. They meant a lot to him. And Willow did make bloody good cookies.

"Thanks for the concern, but really, aside from an unhealthy desire not to kill anyone, I'm just peachy."

************

Buffy was making a pointed effort with her appearance. She was going to get Spike back for the whole naked chest incident. She finished applying her lip gloss and surveyed herself in the mirror. If that didn't make Spike turn to jelly, well then there was obviously something wrong with his eyesight since he'd become human too.

Buffy walked downstairs, eyes fastened on Spike. She smiled evilly. Her appearance seemed to have the desired effect.

Spike's heart started with the loud thudding again as Buffy descended the stairs. His breath caught in his throat and for the first time in over a hundred years, it wasn't just a vampire affectation. Bloody hell she was beautiful. Spike realised his hands were shaking and he shoved them in his pockets.

"Come on then, Xander and Anya will be waiting for us," Willow said, impatient. Buffy stopped next to Spike. A challenging glint was in her eyes. Spike swallowed.

"Hey Spike, ready to go?"

"Uh, yeah," he coughed, trying to think of anything other than the vision in front of him. Oh for fuck's sake, thought Spike. He'd started sweating again.

Buffy felt a little flutter in her chest when Spike stood up. He was wearing a pair of tan slacks and a tight knitted brown shirt. Spike hadn't dispensed with the all black look for a very long time. His hair wasn't completely slicked back either. In fact it looked suspiciously like the way she'd messed it up for him earlier.

"You, ah, you look nice Buffy," Spike managed.

Buffy smiled. She couldn't help it. "Thanks. Come on, party boy, we have some celebrating to do."

*****************

 

Chapter 7: Party Boy

 

"Well, if it isn't evil not so dead," grinned Xander as Willow, Tara, Buffy and Spike walked into the bronze.

"Harris," noted Spike. "You know I can hurt humans now?"

Xander's grin became a little nervous. "And have I mentioned how much the whole breathing thing suits you?"

Spike grinned viciously and hit him upside the back of the head. Pain for Xander. No pain for Spike. Bloody satisfying.

"Spike, play nice," chided Buffy as Xander rubbed his head.

Spike grinned at her evilly. "I'm beginning to like this life thing already."

Buffy just looked at him. "Remember you break it, you bought it. And I don't think you really want a Xander around the house."

Xander looked offended. "And why not? I'm an impeccable house guest."

"Please don't break Xander, he's very fragile," said Anya, rubbing her fiance's arm comfortingly. Then she added in her most sincere voice. "Congratulations on being alive Spike."

"Thanks love," said Spike.

She patted him on the arm. "Don’t worry, you'll get used to it."

*******************

Buffy sat at a high table in the Bronze with a growing feeling of fascinated horror.

It had been fun at first, watching Spike devour flowering onions and plates of spicy buffalo wings like they were the last food on earth. He and Xander had decided to sample various varieties of beer. This had turned out to be high on the scale of funny as well.

Spike's tolerance for alcohol was greatly diminished as a human. He was also a happy drunk. And a cuddly one, apparently, as he started hugging people indiscriminately and telling the Scoobies how much he liked them. No, REALLY liked them. As people. Then he had started on Buffy, telling her very sincerely how much he truly respected and admired her. He didn't seem to think she understood so he had to repeat it several times. He explained in depth how he didn't want to kill her anymore. How he used to want to kill her, but he really truly didn't anymore.

It didn't help that Xander was also getting drunk and starting to wax lyrical about his emotions as well. And again with the hugging. Seeing Xander and Spike clinging to each other saying "I love you man", "No, I love you, man", "No, I really really love you man" was too surreal to comprehend. Another flowering onion had followed. Then some curly fries. Then Xander had suggested flaming sambucca shots. Buffy and Tara had declined but Willow and Anya had joined in as well. This had led to more hugging and not a bit of singing.

Then Spike had decided to try all the shots listed on the black board above the bar. About that point, Buffy, who had avoided alcohol religiously after the whole neanderthal thing, gained a quick lesson in shot ingredients. It turned out that Spike's vision had not been exactly 20/20 as a human and it definitely wasn't now. At first Buffy suspected it was the whole being drunk thing. Xander was also having a hard time focusing on the blackboard. But when the bartender gave them a printed list of drinks and Spike spent five minutes squinting at it and holding it at arms length away from him, Buffy asked some pointed questions. And then spent the next fifteen minutes reading out the ingredients of drinks named Cock Sucking Cowboys and Quick Fucks. Spike was so getting glasses.

Dancing had ensued. Anya had finally decided Xander had had sufficient to drink and dragged him to the dance floor.

"I sometimes like it when Xander is inebriated," Anya told Buffy seriously. "As long as he doesn't drink so much that he is incapacitated. He can be very forthcoming emotionally when he is drunk. It often leads to exciting sex."

Spike now sans drinking companion, and with the girls refusing to read the drinks list a tenth time, decided he was going to "bloody dance too".

It wasn't that Buffy was jealous. Spike could dance with anyone he liked. And just because he somehow ended up surrounded by about ten girls, who were so not pretty, did not mean that she had any reason to care. Buffy nibbled on some fries and drank her coke. Ok, she decided to be honest with herself, maybe she was a tiny bit jealous. So he hadn't exactly singled her out to dance with. That should be a good thing right? She didn't really want to dance with a drunken ex-vampire. Uhuh. Buffy sighed. Ok, so maybe she had sort of thought, just a part of her, that now he was human, she sort of had first dibs on him. Yeah ego much. He probably didn't even feel like that about her anymore. Weren't drunk guys supposed to confess their love loudly and noisily? All she got was respect and admiration. But, that was supposed to be of the good. Wasn't it?

I'm just being selfish, Buffy decided. She was only upset because she thought he was interested in her and now he wasn't. Its not like she even wanted him. Not really. Uhuh, that was why.

"Buffy?"

Buffy looked up, startled. The object of her consideration was standing beside her, swaying only slightly.

"Hey, having fun?" Buffy asked brightly, pushing off her surprise and the feeling of sudden pleasure at the fact that he had come over to her. Pathetic much?

Spike tried to shrug. "S'ok." Spike was having a good time. He was having a bit of trouble with the whole standing thing but apart from that, things were of the good. Of the good? Spike knew this was wrong somehow, but couldn't think why.

He sat down in the chair opposite Buffy. Yeah that was easier. "You?" Good. Conversation. Very good.

Buffy nodded. "Yeah, not too bad. Thought I'd let the others have respective couples time."

"Saw you here, by yourself. Thought you might need some company." Spike managed to combine the two Buffy's into one. He had something important to say to her. Something he hadn't been allowed to say earlier. He couldn't remember why now. Now if he could just remember what he had to say to her…

"Want some fries?" Buffy asked, pushing the plate towards him.

"Yeah thanks." Spike was, he had to admit, drunker than he'd ever been, ever, except maybe that time he'd drained that drunk in Orleans. The bloke's bloodstream had been 70% proof. Spike was exceedingly drunk in fact. The alcohol had coursed through his bloodstream like it never had before. And he felt great. Annoying feelings weren't bothering him now. Everything was nicely numb. So much yummy food, so many nice drinks. He thought he might go get another one of those nice drinks. But in a minute. He'd just sit down here for a bit. And eat the chips. He couldn't quite taste the chips properly but he knew, if he put them in his mouth and chewed, he would probably succeed in eating them.

Something was nagging at Spike. Something he'd been going to do. He looked up. Buffy. That's right. He was going to tell her something important. He cocked his head to one side. She was so beautiful. So nice to him. So lovely. That was it. Spike remembered. He loved Buffy. This was very important. He had to tell her.

"Buffy?"

"Yeah?" Buffy was looking at him curiously, with a sort of fascinated concern. She was so lovely. It was very important to tell her that. Spike's brain sloshed around in alcohol and came to the logical conclusion that the best place to tell Buffy this important thing would be on the dance floor.

"Dance with me?"

Buffy raised an eyebrow at this request. She had her doubts that Spike could even stand at this point in time, let alone dance. She'd just been about to suggest he get a cab home in fact.

He looked so sincere though, so hopeful, that she didn't have the heart to say no. If Spike's usual image of cool don't-give-a-shit was just a façade, then he'd well and truly lost it. And since when did she care about Spike's feelings? Oh, only since he risked his life for you and your sister, a bitchy voice in her head put in.

"Ok, one dance. Then I think it's probably time for you to go home."

Spike grinned and stood. Yeah, standing. Easy.

He held out a hand to Buffy and when she took it, he pulled her to him closely, slightly over-judging the kinetic force needed to accomplish this task. Buffy "oofed" as she collided with his body and for a second they almost lost their balance. She found herself leaning against him. It wasn't unpleasant. Spike's arms were warm and strong as he held her tightly against him. And they sort of…fit. Buffy took a deep involuntarily breath and looked up. Spike had an expression of something approaching adoration, drunken adoration, but adoration nonetheless. It was kind of…endearing. She was getting slightly fumigated by the combination of spicy chicken wings, onion and alcohol on his breath, but aside from that this was definitely not a bad situation.

"Buffy, have to tell you something. Its very important." Ok, thought Buffy, definite slurring now, he really needed to go home. Again with the protectiveness?

"How about we get a cab home and you can tell me on the way?" Maybe once he had a chance to sober up and clean his teeth they could continue this. Ok, what was she thinking? Continue what? Was she seriously wanting to get with Spike? God no. Well, not much. Buffy shook herself.

Spike frowned, considering Buffy's suggestion. He shook his head vehemently. "No, its very important Buffy."

"Ok. What is it Spike?"

An odd feeling was overcoming Spike. The jury in Spike's head was still out as to whether it was a pleasant or not so pleasant feeling, however, it was definitely leaning towards the not so pleasant side. Spike ignored it. Important things to tell Buffy.

"Buffy- I," Spike shut his eyes and opened them again. The room was starting to spin.

"Buffy?"

"Come on Spike time to go home." Buffy disengaged herself.

Spike pulled her to him again, looking at her fiercely. She felt her heart flutter for a second at the intensity of his expression.

"Buffy. I l-"

"Yes?" Buffy caught herself waiting with anticipation for his words. She involuntarily leant closer to him.

Spike finally figured out what the not so pleasant, in fact very unpleasant feeling meant.

"I'm going to be sick."

************

Xander was sent into the bathroom after Spike to see if he was ok. The report was not good. The various foods and alcohols he'd consumed during the last twelve hours had ganged up and were now violently disagreeing with him.

"Do you think its food poisoning?" Willow asked.

"Probably alcohol poisoning more like it," said Buffy darkly.

"I mean he didn't eat something bad did he, its just too much junk right?"

"He'll be fine once he pukes," said Xander helpfully. "I always feel so much better after I throw up."

"Maybe we should take him to the hospital," suggested Buffy. She didn't want to admit she was worried about Spike. Annoying vampire. But he wasn't a vampire anymore though was he?

Xander rolled his eyes.

"Guys, he's just had too much to drink. He's puking up his guts. He'll be fine."

"And thank you for that graphic description, Dr Xander."

"Maybe you should go in and check on him again?" Willow suggested.

Xander sighed and went in.

He came back.

"Ok, now I'm thinking it's not just the alcohol. Looks like human Spike can't take all that spicy food."

"He's…?"

"I don't think he's going to leave that bathroom for quite a while. And I highly recommend no one enter it either."

"Oh. Ew." Buffy bit her lip. She should have stopped him eating and drinking so much, he wasn't used to being human. Obviously he didn't have his vampire cast iron stomach anymore.

"Poor Spike," said Willow.

"Ahh, don't worry about him. He'll be fine once he gets it out of his system."

"Ew?"

"It's so unfair that I'm the only one with a male companion. I really would like to go home now. Perhaps Willow could pretend to be a boy and go in and check on Spike instead of Xander." Anya was trying to be nice about this, but really, it wasn't her fault Spike drank too much and got sick.

Xander hugged his fiance. The happy buzz was slowly leaving him but he was still nicely drunk. He was also a bit horny. Unfortunately his drinking buddy was being ill, and although Xander did not have a lot of male friends he had a vague inkling about the rules of buddydom. Leaving a friend puking his guts up after a drinking session to go home and get laid was probably very bad form. Xander was still drunk enough to still consider Spike a friend, see the logic there and be thoroughly convinced of its rightness.

"Sorry honey. Gotta check on Spike."

Anya sighed. "I tried. Don't complain tomorrow when you didn't get any sex tonight."

**************

Spike was very white, paler than usual when he finally stopped puking long enough for them to take him home.

Buffy sat beside him in the back of Giles' car holding his hand and stroking his hair. Buffy wasn't exactly sure why she was doing those things. She didn't know why she was feeling responsible for Spike either.

Spike ran his other hand over his eyes for the fiftieth time and groaned.

"You ok?" Buffy asked. The softness in her tone surprised Spike. For a second he forgot the pain and discomfit in his gut. He looked at her, wanting so much to just…he didn't know, he just wanted this to stop.

"Feels awful Buffy," he said and Buffy was struck by how much he sounded like a scared little boy.

"Yeah well you'll feel worse tomorrow," Miss Sympathy said, but her tone was still gentle.

Spike groaned again and shut his eyes tight. "Oh goddd," he moaned. "Stop the bloody car Watcher."

Giles slammed on the brakes and practically threw Spike out the door.

"If he vomits in here I'm personally taking the cleaning bill out of his hide," muttered Giles as Spike grrlooped noisily on the pavement.

"Sorry Giles," winced Buffy. All of drivers of the cabs they'd hailed had taken one look at Spike and refused to let them get in. Willow, Tara, Xander and Anya had finally gone home and Buffy had called Giles.

"Well, honestly Buffy, what were you thinking. He's been human all of twelve hours and you had to take him on a drinking binge?"

"Hey, he's over a 120 years old, no one made him drink the whole JUG of beer."

Giles humphed. "Well all the same, you might have encouraged him to not drink so much."

Buffy sighed, why did Giles always have to voice the guilt she was feeling. She should have made him stop earlier. It wasn't fair, she hadn't been the one encouraging him to drink.

Spike climbed back into the car and groaned something that might have been a 'thanks' but probably was more like 'bugger'.

Giles looked at him sternly through the rear vision mirror and started the car again. Buffy gave a very pale trembly Spike a half, sympathetic smile and let him rest his head on her shoulder.

****************

For the third time that day Spike stood under Buffy's shower and let the hot water wash over him. He seemed to have emptied his body of pretty much everything he'd consumed since he woke up that morning. He still felt a little queasy but he was managing to keep the nothing in his stomach down now. This feeling paled in comparison to how utterly crap he felt, however. Spike leant his head against the glass shower wall and let the water run down his back. Fuck. The bad feelings were back again and in force. In the privacy of the shower he gave into the sobs that had been building up inside him all the way home.

He was crying again? Bloody stupid pathetic humanity. Spike scrubbed at his face. He didn't want this.

Spike climbed out of the shower and shakily dried himself off. He pulled on his trousers, stumbled into Buffy's vacated bedroom and collapsed onto the bed.

Spike shut his eyes and felt everything spin. Waves of sleep lapped at his brain. Sleep was good. His head felt heavy and the sleep was thick and almost suffocating. Horrible yuk-blah writhed in his stomach, which was worse than the queasiness that still lingered there. Not going to fucking cry again. With a frustrated groan, Spike thrust his head into the pillow and squished his eyes shut.

Buffy looked into the bedroom. Spike was crashed out on the bed, he hadn't even gotten under the covers.

"How are you feeling?" she asked softly.

"Mmmphgrngh," said Spike. He raised his face off the pillow. "Like shit."

"Still feel icky?" Buffy asked.

"Not as bad." Spike sank back down into the lovely oblivion of the pillow. Buffy's presence wasn't helping. He found himself shaking and his heart thudding.

"Mom always made me plain toast and flat lemonade when I had the tummy thing. You want?"

Spike looked ill. "Fuck no."

"Okay." Buffy paused at the door. "Want the light out?"

There was a muffled 'yeah'.

Buffy flicked the switch. "Night, Spike." She turned to go.

"Buffy?"

"Yeah?"

There was a pause, then the sound of Spike turning on the bed.

"Stay with me?" It was said quietly, as if Spike was afraid she'd hear.

Buffy didn't say anything, and she didn't think, she just walked across the room and climbed into bed beside Spike. He wrapped his arms around her holding her tightly. Buffy shifted slightly, confused by the desperation in his action, then she put her arms about him and held Spike close. He trembled slightly and she could feel his heart pounding against her. Slowly Buffy felt the thudding lessen and realised her own pulse had slowed as well. Spike's breath became calm and even. Buffy lay awake for awhile, holding Spike, wondering what she was doing. This was so not in the Slayer handbook. Vampires who became human? Vampires who had orgasms over food, ate too much and got sick? Who looked so vulnerable that Buffy had this idiotic urge to protect them? Spike moved in his sleep and Buffy noticed for the first time that he wasn't wearing a shirt.

**************

 

Chapter 8: Temper

 

There she goes. There she goes again.

Racing through my brain

And I just can't contain

This feeling that remains.

- Sixpence None the Richer (and someone else before them)

 

Spike woke up to two polarly opposite sensations. A splitting headache and the feeling of a small, warm slayer body wrapped around his own. Stifling a moan, he relaxed comfortably into the Buffy shaped warmth that surrounded him. It felt like heaven. Spike forgot about his headache and let himself float in paradise.

Buffy drifted slowly into wakefulness. She was very comfortable. Mmmm warm body. Nice warm body. She moaned a little in pleasure and shifted against said body. Buffy opened her eyes and found Spike looking back.

"Morning love."

Spike smirked at her and looked so very much like the cocky arrogant vampire he was the day before yesterday, that Buffy automatically put her hand to his chest to see if he still had a heartbeat.

"Spike. You look like you're feeling better."

"Much better." That look. Buffy felt her heart quicken.

Spike was feeling slightly mad. His head throbbed painfully, his heart was thudding, his groin was doing all the thinking and bloody hell he wanted to kiss her. He decided to just go with it.

Spike reached out and cupped Buffy's face with his hand. She was so incredibly beautiful.

Buffy knew she should be protesting against what was obviously going to occur but since she couldn't think why, she decided to just let the inevitable happen. Spike's hand was warm against her cheek, he was so not a vampire anymore.

Spike's breath caught in his throat as Buffy tipped her face up towards him. Her lips parted ever so slightly and her eyes….Spike felt like his heart was going to break. She wanted to….Spike shook, oh fucking hell, what was wrong with him? Bloody heart. Trembling too much, Spike swallowed hard and bent forward.

Buffy met Spike's lips and felt little tingles erupt inside her. She felt his hand run distractedly over her shoulder. He was trembling. The knowledge made Buffy's heart do odd things and the tingles in her stomach doubled. She moved her leg over Spikes and felt him press against her.

Spike couldn't breath. His chest felt like it was going to explode, he felt nauseous again and, as for his cock, any minute now he was going to…bloody hell, what was he, seventeen? Why was she even kissing him? Spike's brain couldn't focus. Why was she doing this?

Spike broke away, looking at Buffy in confusion.

"What?" Buffy blinked.

Spike almost fell off the bed as he stumbled up.

"Sorry," he muttered and started for the door. Fuck, buggering bollocking fuck. Spike blindly grabbed his things from the bathroom and started down the stairs. He felt like he was going to be sick again.

Buffy was too stunned to react for a minute. Lips of Spike. No lips of Spike. What was that about? He'd looked majorly wigged. Buffy decided to go after him. He was at the door struggling into his boots when she caught him.

"Spike?" Buffy grabbed his arm.

"Let go Slayer." Spike wrenched his arm free, the effort agitating him even further.

"Where…are you leaving? You can't-"

Buffy slipped around to stand in front of him. He turned his head away. Buffy touched his chin gently, turning his head to look at her. His expression startled her. It was full of despair and anger.

"What's wrong?"

"What's wrong? I'm…Bloody hell, Slayer, I'm a fucking weak human. That's what's wrong."

Buffy was taken aback by his response. Where was the cocky self assured Spike that had kissed her minutes ago.

"You just need to get used to it," she said, surprised by the softness in her own tone.

"I'm useless, Buffy," He knew he was acting more pathetic than Peaches, but he couldn't help it. His chest felt like lead.

"You're not," Buffy said firmly. She shook her head. "Can't you see how wonderful this is?"

"It's not wonderful. It's terrible and crippling and I just want to be me again."

"You are you."

"Yeah but without all this…sodding, bloody emotional crap. Without this fucking heartbeat! Without getting sick when I eat a flowering onion!"

Buffy bit her lip and reached out and put her hand over his heart.

"I like it," she said looking up at him. "You're real now Spike."

Spike couldn't bear it. Couldn't bear seeing the look in her eyes that he'd wanted to see for so long. He didn't want her, not like this, not because he was human and soft and weak. He didn't want her just because she thought he'd be happier as a human if she said she'd have him now. He wanted Buffy for him. Because she wanted him, not this human body. This weak, useless, pathetic lump of annoyingly loud flesh.

Spike knocked her hand away as if it burnt him. He turned and marched to the phone.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going to get Angel to turn me back."

"No, you can't!"

Buffy snatched the phone out of his hands.

"And why not?"

"He won't do it for one. Spike you have something he's wanted for so long. Do you really think he'd take that away from you?"

"Then I'll find Dru."

"Spike! You can't. I mean. Why? And why would you want to be a fledgling again?"

"I won't be. It’s a lot like riding a bike love, can't really forget what it's like."

Buffy stamped her foot in frustration.

"Why do you care Buffy?" Spike demanded. "You just said it, I'm me, whatever I do. Why do you want me to get old and sick and be weak and useless?"

"Because you're, you're human now. You're not evil any-" Buffy stopped. Oh very wrong thing to say.

"Not evil? Sorry to disappoint you, love, but I haven't changed up here," he tapped his head. "Newsflash, Slayer, humans can be very dangerous." He stepped closer to her and an evil glint came into his eyes. "In fact I'm more dangerous now then I was before. If I was so evil the day before yesterday, what makes you think I'm not gonna slit your throats as you sleep, now that I can. I turn human and suddenly you lot all treat me like your best friend. Well fuck you. Nothing's changed."

Buffy straightened her shoulders. She wasn't going to be intimidated. Couldn't Spike see that this was a good thing?

"Yes, but you don’t need to drink blood now. You have no reason to kill."

"Oh so that's why Vampires are evil is it?"

"No, not just that, it’s the cruelty, the violence, the not caring very much."

Spike looked at her, his jaw moving.

"Yeah, all the good stuff." He started towards the door again.

"Spike wait! I didn't mean- " Buffy grabbed his arm again, holding him firmly. "I know you haven't been like that for a long time. I know."

Spike looked at her in frustration. "Let me go Buffy."

"Just give it a chance Spike. For a little while." Buffy looked at him in frustration. "God, Spike, can't you see how incredible this is? It's like a miracle." He was so ungrateful. She looked away and took a deep breath. "Fuck, don't you think I hate being back sometimes?"

Spike's heart stopped and his stomach churned. He didn't know what to say to that. It stopped him short and he felt like he couldn't breathe.

So he kissed her.

Spike pulled Buffy into his arms and kissed her - trembling, nausea and pounding heart be damned. He kissed her thoroughly and completely without mercy. She wasn't going to be allowed to say things like that and get away with it, that was for certain. Buffy, whose stomach had done crazy things when Spike pulled her to him, kissed him thoroughly back. She wrapped her arms around his neck and held him there in case he decided to freak out again. Finally Spike pulled back, human endurance not quite matching that of the Slayer, even when the human was as stubborn as Spike. He rested his forehead against Buffy's and smiled ruefully.

"Sorry."

"S'ok."

"You still hate being back?"

"Sometimes. So much. Spike you have no idea how nice it was there."

Spike swallowed. He knew it, knew that it was too much to ask her to do this all again, but he had just been so happy to have her back, they had all been so happy. The idea that Buffy might choose not to do this anymore made him feel sick.

"But sometimes I just get so overwhelmed by how lucky I am to be here again. Spike, there's so much I nearly didn't get to do."

Relief flooded him.

"You think I should give this a chance then?" he said with a grin.

Buffy raised her eyebrows at him. "Do you want me to write it down for you?"

Spike chuckled and hugged her to him. Suddenly the physical effects of being with Buffy weren't so bad after all. In fact Spike felt like he was on a high.

"I guess I could give it a shot." Spike gave Buffy a very wicked look. "You know, there's one thing I haven't tried as a human yet."

"Oh?"

Spike raised an eyebrow and just looked at her.

"And I suppose you want me to help you try that thing out?"

"No, not at all love, you're more than welcome to just sit back and watch."

"Where's the fun in that?" Buffy looked instantly horrified. "God. Did I just say that?"

Spike smirked. "I think you did love." He looked at her speculatively and unconsciously licked his lips. "Ok. How about we do some of the stuff that might lead to that thing I haven't done yet?"

"We aren't talking about driving a car are we?" said Buffy, her tummy tingling traitorously and her heart beating a little quickly.

Spike shook his head. "No, although now you mention it, I haven't done that yet either."

**************

Spike and Buffy sat on the bed in Spike's new room. They were both panting slightly from some very serious kissage and some even more serious petting. Both very flushed and both horny as hell. For a moment they looked at each other. Spike swallowed, his heart was thudding but in a good way, he was panting but that was in a good way too. And the heat that burnt underneath his skin and the wobbliness in his stomach were also very, very good. It had never felt like this, desire, never been so physically intense, the sensations, the burning, the heat, the blood. Lust had been strong with the demon roaring, blindly wanting, but this was totally different, this real, messy, sweaty, stupid, ridiculous need. Need that made him want to beg, laugh and just shag all at once. He almost didn't want to give it up, he teetered on the brink of fulfillment and Spike was almost afraid to fall over. There was something, at the back of Spike's mind, something about Buffy only wanting this human body, but he ignored it and decided to worry about it later. She knelt before him, flushed with desire, pupils dilated, chest heaving. Gently, Spike reached out and touched her face, running his hand downwards over her body.

Buffy held Spike's gaze. She wanted him so much. It suddenly seemed so right. All her qualms were gone. Spike was still shirtless and Buffy had slept in her clothes. She decided to even things up a bit. She pulled her shirt up over her head.

Spike's nostrils flared as he inhaled sharply. Reaching out with shaking hands he slipped Buffy's bra straps from her shoulders. Buffy trembled and moistened her lips.

"You're so beautiful, pet," Spike breathed. Again he wished he could hear her heart and smell the wonderful complex vanilla laced Buffy smell he'd ached for.

Buffy leant forward and kissed him deeply on the mouth. She shifted her knees, moving so she straddled Spike. Reaching between them she unzipped the tan pants he was still wearing. Oh, Buffy's brain registered, no boxers.

Spike gasped as Buffy gently freed his erection. His hands were sweating and his heart was beating too fast. He rested his hands on Buffy's hips and sought her mouth urgently. Anything to help him handle the heat and pleasure overwhelming him.

Buffy felt consumed by Spike's desperate kiss. She pressed into him, running her hand slowly up and down his very impressive length.

"Buffy, stop," gasped Spike breaking away from the kiss. "I can't handle it love. I'm gonna…"

"Oh," said Buffy. "Oh."

"I'm just- the heat love, you have no idea. And I want you so much."

Buffy kissed him. "It's ok. You can…if you want to." She started stroking again.

Spike shuddered against her. "OhfuckBuffy-" He stilled her hand. "You first love."

Buffy blushed. Spike chuckled, looked at her curiously, then kissed her inexorably. Buffy found herself lying back on the bed, Spike hovering over her.

He gave her such a wicked look that she suddenly laughed out loud, and then he was at her chest, relieving her of her bra, taking one nipple in his mouth, teasing the other with his fingers. Buffy gasped out and when Spike slipped downwards, easing her skirt over her hips, slipping off her panties, she knew she wasn't going to last much longer either.

Spike was so worked up he came just from the sound of Buffy orgasming. That and the friction of cock against sheet as he lay on the bed, delving into heaven between Buffy's legs.

Spike rested his head on her stomach, arms wrapped around her, catching his breath. He was by no means spent, for which he was very glad. Buffy's fingers tangled in his hair and he could hear her little sighs and moans. Spike recovered and pulled himself up next to her.

"Hello," he murmured.

"Hey," Buffy replied softly. Spike never thought he'd see Buffy looking kittenish. But here she was, looking decidedly like a sweet little thing that was very satisfied.

Spike grinned and kissed her. "Want to continue?"

Buffy smirked. "Continue? Already? Shouldn't you be snoring right about now?"

Spike laughed. "I might be human love, but I'm not sleeping while you're lying around here all naked."

"I'm not quite all naked yet," noted Buffy, her skirt still hitched up around her waist.

Spike nodded solemnly. "You're right," he said, shut his eyes and pretended to sleep. Suddenly he arched up with a startled gasp. "Bloody hell!"

Buffy looked up from where she knelt beside his thigh. She held his penis firmly and gave it one last lick.

"Yes?"

"Nothing," said Spike. He wasn’t quite sure whether it was because he was human or because it was Buffy, but either way, bloody hell, it felt great. And he wasn't going to last much longer now either. Spike sat up and pounced on the Slayer.

"Where'd you learn to do that love?" he panted, pinning her under him.

Buffy looked at him evilly. "What can I say? I'm very creative. You didn't like?"

"I liked very much," Spike kissed her lips, then her cheeks, then her neck. Some more kisses followed, then Spike pulled Buffy up into a sitting position. He reached around her skirt, not relinquishing her mouth and found the zip. With much fumbling and not a bit of giggling and soft laughs, they tugged the offending item of clothing off and removed Spike's pants as well. And by that stage Spike found himself in the very pleasant position of being on top of Buffy. Spike surveyed the beautiful sight before him. Buffy looked up at him and reached out and touched his cheek. A soft moan escaped from Spike's lips. The look in her eyes overwhelmed him.

"Buffy," he whispered, his eyes glistening. He smoothed her hair away from her face. "I love you."

"I know," she breathed. "I want you Spike."

It was enough. He didn't expect a return declaration. He just wanted to say it, and to have her believe it was enough. And she wanted him. More than enough.

He shifted slightly and he felt his cock touch her groin, sending a shock of pleasure through them both. Eyes locked with Spike, Buffy ran one hand down his back and cupped his ass. Her hips lifted up to meet his erection. Spike bent down and caught Buffy's mouth in a deep kiss. His cock nudged against her wetness and Spike reached a hand down to help things along.

"Oh, fuck! Spike!" Buffy suddenly exclaimed.

"What?" Spike's face was filled with concern.

Buffy wiggled out from under him. "Hold that thought."

She returned a minute later with a small square packet and a tube of lubricant.

"You're pretty big, but one size is supposed to fit all."

The look on Spike's face was a priceless mix of relief, amusement and horniness. He shifted onto his back and Buffy knelt next to him. She opened the condom packet and Spike moaned appreciatively as Buffy unrolled the condom down his length.
This was definitely a new experience.

Then he was above her again, kissing her lips, kissing her throat, groaning in pleasure as he eased himself in, the lubricant mixing with Buffy's arousal. Buffy wrapped her legs around Spike's waist and arched her hips up against him. Taut muscled abs against firm stomach, naked flesh against naked flesh. Spike groaned. The heat was incredible. So hot, so tight. He felt like he was going into cardiac arrest. He held Buffy's body close against him, her arms wrapped around him and they thrust against each other. Pretty much all coherent thought stopped after that.

**********

About an hour or so later Buffy woke for the second time that morning. She snuggled closer to Spike, enjoying the feel of his naked flesh against her own. Suddenly something clicked in her head. She sat up in horror, looking at Spike. He was cold. He didn't move. She put her hand on his chest, no heartbeat. No breath.

"Spike!" Buffy cried out, shaking him in distress. "Spike!"

"Huh? What?" gasped Spike sitting up in surprise.

"Oh, God, no. Oh no. Spike?" Buffy drew back, half horrified, half relieved that he wasn't dead-dead.

"What?" Spike said a little irritably.

"You're dead. I mean, you're not alive anymore."

Then Spike noticed how quiet it was inside himself and how oddly calm he felt.

"Oh." He looked at Buffy speculatively, his expression neutral. "So I am."

Tears welled in Buffy's eyes. Spike swallowed hard. He knew where this was heading. Buffy didn't want him now he was a vampire again. And he wasn't certain himself how he felt about being back amongst the undead again either.

"Looks like I'm me old self again, Slayer," he said, getting up.

"Spike, I'm so sorry."

"Don't be," he said shortly, pulling on his pants.

Buffy bit her lip. He was angry. He was dead again and it was all her fault. She should have known this would happen. She slept with him and made him lose his humanity, just like she'd made Angel lose his soul.

"Spike-"

Spike stopped at the door. Not turning around.

"Thanks for… " Buffy saw Spike's naked shoulders slump slightly. "Just thanks."

************

 

Chapter 9: News

 

Buffy checked the calendar. Two weeks late. Not good. She went to the bathroom again.

Nope. Nothing. It was probably just because she'd been sick lately. Oh, damn, sick. Not good in this context. Buffy's stomach was tied in knots, feeling slightly ill she grabbed her handbag and went to the pharmacy. This was so very bad.

*************

Spike sat in his crypt feeling miserable. She hadn't come to see him since he left one month ago. Not stopped by on patrol, nothing. He'd dropped by the house once, on the pretext of seeing the Nibblet, who he saw most days anyway, and things had been awkward. A lot of not saying anything and Spike leaving soon after he'd arrived.

So it had been the human thing and he'd been so stupid as to want to get rid of it. Careful what you wish for mate. Least he'd had one night, or morning, rather. And he'd replayed that morning over in his head more times than he cared to remember.

The Watcher had gone all scientific inquiry on him when he'd found out about Spike changing back. Buffy obviously hadn't told the Watcher about their little human dalliance and Spike couldn't see why it would have had caused his transformation so he didn't bother telling Giles either. None of his damn business. He woke up human and it just bloody wore off.

 

Spike took a drag on his cigarette. Least he could smoke these again. Yeah fucking cold comfort that is.

Another thing Spike hadn't told the Watcher was that the chip hadn't returned with the re-vamping. They'd probably bloody stake him as soon as look at him if he told them. Spike figured he'd let it be for a while, prove that he really had changed, that it wasn't the chip holding him back anymore. Then tell them. When the time was right. And there were no sharp pointy bits of wood around.

The thing was, Spike wasn't sure that the demon had come back either. Yeah he could vamp out. Yeah he could go all fangy, was allergic to sunlight and had a thing about religious icons. But the violent lust wasn't there anymore, the burning desire to kill and drink and hunt. It was quieter in his head. And he could still feel that annoying whiny guilt feeling that he'd noticed as a human. Maybe being human had just given him more control over the vampire part of himself. Spike didn't know, but bloody hell, turning a bloke human was a sodding drastic way of exorcising him.

The sound of the crypt door slamming open both startled him and sent a wave of hope through him. He didn't dare move from his couch. Instead he waited until whoever had invaded his home showed themselves.

"Spike?"

It was her. Spike felt his stomach flip flop.

"Yeah? What do you want Slayer?" Well he was still angry with her.

Buffy walked into his line of vision. She didn't look very well. She was pale and drawn and too thin. Spike was too busy being angry to notice.

"Um. Hey. How are you?"

"Just peachy. Is this a social call? 'Cause I'm very busy right now doing nothing."

"I…just…"Buffy felt her stomach twist and tears stung her eyes. He didn’t love her anymore.

Spike looked at her coldly, trying not to show how hurt he was. "Yeah, what Slayer? If it’s a lecture about how this was all a mistake or something then don't bother. Already got the picture."

Buffy coloured. "No, I wasn't - I just needed to tell you-" She couldn't do this. Stifling a sob, Buffy turned and ran out of the crypt.

"Buffy?" Spike felt sick. You pillock, he swore at himself, and took off after her.

He caught her at the cemetery gate.

"Buffy? Love, what's wrong?" He turned her to look at him.

Buffy avoided his eyes. She wiped at her face and drew herself up. "Nothing, I'm fine. Just you know, wanted to make with the peace. I get it: don't bother."

Spike swallowed. "No, love - yes bother. Its been bloody awful having things all fucked up between us." He let her go and paced a few steps away. "It's just so bloody hard to go back to normal after what happened."

"I'm so sorry Spike, what more can I say?"

Spike sounded tired. "Spare me the gentle let-down Slayer. I know how it goes, I can't have a relationship with a vampire, it's wrong, you're evil, blah blah blah."

Buffy frowned. "Excuse me?"

"I get it Buffy. All been dealt with, water under the bridge. Let's go back to how things were then, hey?"

Buffy was still frowning at him. "You aren't mad at me for changing you back?"

It was Spike's turn to frown. "You changed me back?"

"When…like Angel, moment of happiness I guess."

Spike's brow crinkled a little more. "Pet, have you been avoiding me 'cause you think I'm mad at you for fucking me to death?"

Buffy looked at him. "Well, yeah, sort of, if you want to put it like that. Aren't you?"

"No, bloody hell, no."

Buffy looked away. "I thought you hated me now you're a vampire."

"Pet, no, fuck no." He looked at her, realisation dawning. "It's Angelus isn't it? I woke up a vampire after our moment of passion and you thought I'd go prancing off doing evil again?"

Buffy winced. "Well I was sort of waiting for the dead fish and the drawings."

Spike knew Angelus well enough to know what that meant.

"Bloody hell, Buffy, I love you. I loved you before I turned human, I love you now. You're in me Summers. Just because fucking Peaches couldn't love without a soul."

Something else dawned on Spike. "So just saying I don't hate you, would you have wanted to be with me, now I'm a vampire?"

"I guess so. I mean of course!"

Spike suddenly laughed. For fuck's sake, they were a ridiculous pair.

Buffy was also putting two and two together. "You thought I didn't want you because you were a vampire?"

"Well, yeah."

"But Spike? After…after what we did?"

Spike looked down a little shamefacedly. "Thought you only wanted me when I was human, love."

"Spike!" Buffy growled in frustration. "Gees, I only realised how much you meant to me then, like you said, you're you no matter what. Do you think I'd let you go just because you weren't breathing anymore?"

Spike smirked. "You can't talk. You thought I hated you 'cause I'd woken up a vampire. Good grief Slayer, you'd think my bellyaching about being human would've told you waking up a vampire was not of great concern to me. Pet, after what we did I could've woken up a De-jarian Slime Beast and I'd 've been happy."

"So…You're not. I'm not."

Spike laughed again. He was so happy. "Apparently not." He shook his head. "Somehow love I don't think us going at it like rabbits would turn me back. Besides, bloody hell, if whoever turned me human didn't want me to shag they shouldn't have bloody left me with a dick."

Buffy smirked. "A major lack of foresight there," she said solemnly.

"An' they definitely shouldn't 've let me see how damn beautiful you are neither."

"Keep going," Buffy smirked. She stepped in closer to him. Spike raised an eyebrow and stepped towards her.

"Oh, you like flattery do you pet? Well I've plenty more where that came from." Spike wriggled an eyebrow at Buffy and pulled her to him. His expression became serious. "Most lovely one. My sunlight," he said softly.

Buffy felt her heart in her throat.

"You really want me Buffy? Now I'm a vampire again?"

Buffy looked up into bright blue eyes, full of emotion. "Yes. I do."

Spike kissed her fiercely. Buffy returned the kiss, pressing herself against him as closely as possible, expressing all the relief she was feeling. Spike held her tightly, too overcome to think. It was Buffy who had to finally break the kiss. She looked up at Spike, breathing heavily. Spike swallowed hard. She still wanted him. He smoothed her hair, a lump in his throat.

"Missed you love."

"I missed you too."

They held each other a little longer.

"Spike?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm pregnant."

***********

Spike pulled back and gaped at Buffy.

"You're what?"

"Pregnant. I just did a test. That's what I came to tell you."

"Oh. Fuck Buffy, I'm sorry, bloody hell, I should've…" Spike looked at her sharply. "But we used a condom."

"Apparently not 100% effective."

Spike let go of Buffy and sat down. "Bloody hell."

Buffy sighed and sat down beside him. "You can say that again."

"You ok? Everything all fine?"

"I'm only one month pregnant, morning sickness aside, I'm doing ok."

Spike put his arm around her somewhat ineffectually. "Sorry love."

"Hey, no biggie, well yeah, actually major biggie, but, who'd have thought?"

There was some silence.

"Pretty amazing when you think about it," said Spike softly.

"Yeah, I'm pregnant to a dead man."

"Well yeah that and we only did it the once, and I was wearing a condom, and I've been dead for over a hundred and twenty years, you’d think that'd take the edge off me potency a bit."

More silence.

"Almost like…"

"Like it was meant to happen?"

Buffy said her next words very carefully. "Do you think that was why you came back to life?"

A lot more silence.

Spike swallowed hard. The implications were astounding.

"I was meant to have a child with you?"

"Maybe?" Have a child with Spike. Somehow that sounded…nice.

Spike looked up at the night sky.

"Like whatever brought me back to life wasn't going to let a bit of latex stand in the way of you falling pregnant."

More silence.

"But why? I mean, why you. It's not like there's a shortage of fertile males in Sunnydale."

Spike knew what he wanted the answer to that to be: that he and Buffy were meant to be together and this was the only way they could have a child. Somehow he didn't think the Powers that Be or whoever was responsible was that generous, or that he was that lucky.

"You'd think they could've bloody told us, whoever it is that did this."

"You think they could've left you human for a while longer."

Spike smiled shyly. "Mightn't have been too bad, once I got used to it."

"I suppose I'll have to tell Giles."

"Yeah. He's gonna stake me. Want a shotgun wedding Slayer?"

"Shouldn't that be crossbow wedding?"

Spike chuckled. "All right then, crossbow wedding."

Buffy frowned. "Did you just propose to me Spike?"

Spike shrugged. "Well we are having a child together. Seemed like the right thing to do. Poor little mite will have enough problems what with having a Mum who's a Slayer, a Dad who's a vampire and an Aunt who's a key and all. Don't need it to have a broken home as well."

Buffy laughed. "You're offering to make an honest woman out of me?"

"Yeah, spose I am," grinned Spike. "So what you say love, how about you and me get hitched?"

"Spike, have you completely forgotten what happened the last time we got engaged?"

"No," said Spike, looking at her. "I never forgot."

Buffy felt her heart flutter.

"Oh. Really?"

"Yeah, used to wake up at night screaming about it all the time."

Buffy punched him in the arm, and Spike bent down and dropped a kiss on her lips. He cupped her chin in his hand and looked at her for a moment, considering.

"Whatever happens love, I'll be here for you." Spike let go of her and looked away. He picked at some grass absently. "Even if this thing between us doesn't work out, I'll be here for you." This might be a gift from the Powers that Be or it could be the work of demonic forces or interfering monks, whatever happened, he'd be there for her. Besides, Spike decided that something that came from the two of them couldn't be that bad.

Buffy touched his leg gently. "Thanks. That means a lot."

Spike turned and looked at her, all cocky arrogance. "So, I'm going to be a father then?"

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Guess so." Then she smiled softly at Spike and pulled him into a long kiss, that ended in them doing some very inappropriate things on the cemetery lawn.

*********

The End

 

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