determined
adj

1. Characterized by great determination; a struggle against a determined enemy
2. Devoting full strength and concentrated attention to; made continued and determined efforts to become number one.
3. Strongly motivated to succeed.


The Mind of Kendell Smith

There are certain moments in ones life that will define them as a person. Certain moments in a childhood that will define their adult characteristics. Certain moments as they get older that will change their outlook on life, exchanging their inhibitions for fears. I’ve had many such moments from as far back as I can remember. For me there was always something outlining the life path I must take, as if my path had already been etched out in destiny. Defining moments for most people are simple, like the first day of school, getting married and having children. These are defining moments for people with the perfect existence. My defining moments where slightly different.

Having your mother take her own like when you are nothing but a child will of course effect who you will grow to become. I may not have realised at the time, at the tender age of five years old death had never been fully explained to me. Sure I knew what was happening I knew she was ‘dead’ but deep down in my heart I never thought she was gone forever. I never mourned properly, losing your mother at any age can be hard but when you are older you know how the release your emotions. I never released mine. To this day I don’t know how it feels to mourn as I have been left cold from past experiences, so cold that sometimes I blame my mother for killing off my soul, for leaving me to grow up in a household full of cold blooded murder. I used to lie in bed staring at the ceiling while my father was in the next room with his latest whore and I would curse my mother, curse her for what he had done, and curse her for leaving me here with him.

I was never a girl of much religious faith. I was born and christened Roman Catholic but how can anybody believe in a God that will take away the mother of a five year old little girl and leave her in the hands of a heartless father. A God that can give with one hand and take with other?

The problem with having no religion is where do you turn when you need to believe? Everybody needs something to believe in. I always said that I made my own destiny that it was me that I believed in nobody else. Sometimes we need to believe so that we can feel safer. I need to believe. I need to have faith to become the winner I was destined to become.



Confessions of Female Role Model


The old blue caprice pulled up on the footstep. The sun in the sky crept from behind the spring clouds dancing along the car’s old paint job. Kendell glanced over to the driver’s seat of the car looking at Jeff. She was already having regrets about her decision she didn’t want to be here. Jeff pulled the car to a stop and turned the key in the ignition letting the engine go dead. He looked back at Kendell who was looking at him with worry in her eyes while playing with a piece of paper she had wrapped around her long fingers. She had spent all week considering this but now her she was, considering getting out of the caprice and running ten miles in the opposite direction.

Jeff: “Don’t look so worried Kendell, this wont be as bad as you think.”

Kendell frowned slightly, what would he know it wasn’t him that had to go in. She turned her head and looked out the window the big grey stone building loomed ahead of her, huge and terrifying. She scanned the building taking in every inch of it as if this was going to be one of those things she would remember all her life. The stain glassed windows glistened in the morning sunshine, the tall cross stood proudly on top of a steeple which sat high upon the grey walls.

Jeff: “It’s the house of God Kendell, no need to look so damn terrified.”

Kendell: Smith: “I’m not terrified.”

Jeff: “Your hands tell a different story.”

Kendell looked down at her hands, they where shaking rapidly from side the side. She tried to control them but to no avail. She needed a stiff drink. Churches had always intimidated her. The idea of them being this higher place, full of good. She wasn’t a good person, she wasn’t a faithless person and when she stepped into a church she felt like the sinner she was. She looked up from her hand and into Jeff’s warm, adoring eyes. She had asked him to bring her here cause she knew he would never judge her on her actions, he would never question why she was doing what she was doing he would just be there by her side while she did it after all he was by her side the first time she said goodbye to her mother, twenty years later he was still by her side.

Kendell Smith: “I was always told that to be a good wrestler you must do whatever needs to be done to clear your mind before stepping into the ring. I think that goes for any profession. I know it sounds ridiculous Jeff but I’ve just always felt that having my mind focused was what gave me that little extra edge when it came to stepping into the ring.”

Jeff: “I can understand that but I honestly think this worry you’re feeling all week, well, there is no need for it. You have nothing to fear Kendell, you don’t need to crumble under pressure and you don’t need to be putting so much pressure on yourself. I understand that this has to do with timing, and your mother’s anniversary. You’re ready for this whether you know it or not.”

Kendell Smith: “I just don’t want to fail.”

Jeff: “And you wont because neither Stryfe nor Icon…. Not even Gary Reece can take away your passion for this. You keep forgetting who you are Kendell. I mean Stryfe can say time and time again that you are nobody because you never actually pinned him, you pinned Billy West, but he didn’t pin Billy West now did he? The truth is you are the future of the UWF he is the past. In months to come there will be one headliner at UWF and it is not Stryfe. And you know what Kendell? He knows that too! She knows that a new era in UWF is about to begin, the era of Kendell Smith.”

Kendell Smith: “He just keeps going on and on about his fucking record holding the title.”

Jeff: “Pshh it’s nothing, He may have been the champion but people like Khristian Call and Marissa Russo have put him in his place in the past and you are ten times the wrestler and female Marissa Russo was no matter what he says.”

Kendell looked down at her hands which where still shaking, she sighed deeply and swallowed hard, the words chocking her as they escaped her lips.

Kendell Smith: “I have never doubted myself in my life until now…”

Jeff: “It happens Kendell, you can’t win them all but I guarantee you will destroy Stryfe and you will prove yourself at Adrenaline to be not just another emotional female who spends her life fucking the talent backstage, that’s JC’s job.”

Kendell Smith: “What about Icon you can’t underestimate him either.”

Jeff: “Let’s be honest for a second Kendell, I know you’re not in the right frame of mind right now. I mean you’re just about to enter a damn Catholic Church after sixteen years of being basically a pagan, but Icon? He’s hardly in your league now is He? I mean I know he was the undisputed champion for a few hours but that was a before you and things at UWF have changed drastically since then. He’s better off looking good and standing in the mirror doing his hair.”

Kendell Smith: “I just don’t want to be over confident you know? I mean don’t be optimistic and you can’t be disappointed.”

Jeff: “That’s bull Kendell and you know it. Be confident, be optimistic and be cocky because now is your time and you have nothing to fear and you’ll see I’m right when you walk away the champ again on Monday night.”

Kendell smiled and reached for the door handle of the caprice. Jeff smiled at her reassuringly as she pushed the door open slowly and pulled herself out of the car. She closed the car door behind her leaning on the door and looking in the window at Jeff. This was a whole other side of Kendell, a side that only came out of her for seven days a year while she was remembering what she saw hanging from the chandelier in her house. It humbled her to remember, and in the blink of an eye turned her into the person she had sworn she wouldn’t become

Jeff: “Good luck, I’ll be waiting her for you when you’re done.”

Kendell nodded and turned away from the car facing the big church. St. Augustine’s church, she read from the black board, which sat in the grass outside. She began walking up the pathway towards the door of the huge church. She pulled her denim jacket tight around her, getting a chill despite the warm weather. She reached the door of the grey stone building. She stood still for a moment; taking a deep breath and getting her composure together before pushing open the large heavy wooden doors.

Her heels, tapped along the grey marble floor, the sound echoing through out the huge church. The walls where lined with statues of various saints, candles around each, their flames dancing playfully. In between each statue of a saint were small confession boxes and a picture of one of the Stations of the Cross. She looked ahead of her, straight down the aisle of the large church; either side of the aisle was lined with rows of wooden benches, with knee rests in front where the faithful could pray. She moved slowly down the center of the aisle towards the alter. The alter stood up three steps, a marble table laid out on top of it with a huge mural of Jesus rising to heaven behind it made in marble stone. Her heels continued to click along the marble floors as hymns played softly in the background. She knew the hymns where there to relax people but she felt it gave eeriness to the cold stone church. She stepped to the front of the church taking a seat on the wooden bench and looking around, not knowing what to do next. She felt awkward and out of place. Just as she was about to leave she felt a warm hand on her shoulder. She turned to find an old man all in black with a white collar smiling down at her, she smiled back nervously. There was no escape now.

Father O’ Brien: “Well hello child, how can I help you?”

His thick Irish accent reminded her of her nanny growing up. She had come from an Irish background and anytime she heard an Irish accent it reminded her of the woman who had stepped in to mother her. The words froze in her mouth, she felt ridiculous feeling so nervous just because there was a priest standing over her. He smiled, obviously picking up on her fear.

Why am I here? This is ridiculous.

Father O’ Brien: “There’s no need to be afraid child, this is a house of God.”

Kendell: “It’s been a long time Father.”

Father O’ Brien: “The Catholic Church always opens its doors, especially to our prodigal children. Would you like me to take your confession? The church tends the stay empty for most of the morning on a Wednesday.”

Kendell nodded up at the priest. His eyes where full of wisdom and belief, he faced aged and his hands frail but his soul still young. She could tell he cared. She could see the warmth behind his wise eyes and it relaxed her slightly. He kept his hand on her shoulder as she moved to her knees closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, letting go of her fears. He stood in front of her praying while she lowered her hand head and crossed her hands together.

Father O’ Brien: “My child you must repent for your sins in the eyes of the Lord so that he may absolve you of your wrong doings. The Lord does not frown upon the sinners of the Earth but understands that they must sin and be sorry for the sins they have committed.”

Kendell Smith: “Forgive me father for I have sinned. It has been 16 years since my last confession.”

Father O’ Brien: “You are welcomed back into the arms of the Lord. What is it you would like to confess?”

Kendell Smith: “Just about every mortal sin there is Father. Lately my heart has been full of hate. Hate for the people I love hate for people who I don’t really know. I try my best but I can’t shake the feeling of hate.”

She continued to keep her eyes shut and her head down. Concentrating on the priest’s words when he spoke and her own words as she confessed.

Father O’ Brien: “What is causing such hate in your young hard?”

Kendell Smith: “Fear. Fear is what makes me hate father. Fear of losing something that means a lot to me has forced me to hate people I don’t know. I’m a professional wrestler and I find myself hating those that have what I want or that stand in the way of what I want.”

Father O’ Brien: “Greed is the way of the World my child.”

Kendell Smith: “I know Father but hate is not. My mother died when I was a very young child and when I think of her, instead of feeling mournful I feel resentful towards her for changing my perfect existence. As if her death stole my innocence away from me. I know this is wrong and guilt eats at me.”

She could feel tears well up in her eyes and the memories began flooding back for the umpteen time that week. She liked to play the part of the strong athlete who was unstoppable but the truth was she was a weak as the next person. She had her fears and she had her share of pain. She had her days where all she could think about was hurt, was failure, was pain. She had suffered the lows and seen the highs but she was terrified to feel the extent of the lows in her past once again.

Kendell Smith: “I have a defining moment in my life approaching rapidly and I think my own fear and hate could turn it so it doesn’t go in my favor. It’s something I need to achieve so that I can finally be back on track in my heart. My mother failed and I don’t want to be my mother. I have committed sins so that I would not turn into my mother.”

Father O’ Brien: “And this hate you have, who is it directed to?”

Kendell Smith: “Anybody who stands in my way.”

She continued kneeling as the sunlight cracked through the stain glassed window sending shards of colour illuminating her as she prayed to be absolved of her hate. The priest put his hand on her head.

Father O’ Brien: “Let go of your sins and your hate. You must say a decade of the rosary. You must perform this penance thus showing your sorrow for your sinful acts. This will help you to overcome your faults my child, and the harm your sins have caused others, to be reconciled with them and with the Church, and to return to behaviour consistent with being a disciple of Christ. Do you accept this as a sinner of the Lord?”

Kendell Smith: “I do Father.”

Father O’ Brien: “God the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of his Son, has reconciled the world to himself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins; through the ministry of the Church may God give you pardon and peace, and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.”

Kendell Smith: “Amen.”

She continued kneeling on the marble floor feeling the warmth of the sun against her skin as she prayed for forgiveness and for strength to become the person she wanted to be. The priest continued to pray in Latin before removing his hand from her shoulder.

Father O’ Brien: “Go in peace child and repent of your sins.”

She lifted her head, looking up at the priest who smiled down at her. He turned and walked away leaving her to pray in peace. She closed her eyes and hung her head, clasping her hands together as she prayed, thinking about her family, thinking about her past, thinking about her Mother and thinking about Monday. She relaxed as she prayed, mumbling the Godly words under her breath. She felt relieved, she felt better in herself. This was something she had feared and she had pushed herself to overcome it. When she was finished praying she opened her eyes slowly still amazed by the fact that she was kneeling in the center of a church. She pulled herself to her feet and brushed off the knees of her jeans, looking around the church at the many people, mostly elderly, who knelt before God, praying for forgiveness, strength and happiness. She turned away from the alter and started to walk towards the front door. Her heels once again tapping along the marble floor titles as she moved swiftly. She may have overcome her fear of religion but she still wanted to leave the church as quick as she possibly could. She pushed open the heavy wooden doors and looked out into the sunshine where the caprice still sat on the sidewalk. She made her way towards the car as Jeff looked out the window at her smiling. With a long sigh she opened the passenger door of the car and slid herself into the seat, shutting the door behind her she leaned back in the chair, closing her eyes and finally relaxing.

Jeff: “So how are you feeling?”

Kendell Smith: “Like I need a drink.”




For I am the One, The Only, Kendell Smith


I wasn’t like other children. I knew what I wanted from a very young age. I was focused. I never wanted to be a doctor, or a vet or a princess; I wanted to be number one. The rush that I get when I step into the ring never fades it’s still the same as it was the first time I ever heard my name being chanted by a crowd of people. When you’re a winner the fear is always there, the fear and the pain of it all being taken away from you. I wake up every morning and thank the Lord for what he has given me. He threw obstacles in my way so that I may overcome them making me more determined and more driven than ever. I have built myself on my determination. I guess some people would say that I’m afraid of losing but it’s not the fear of losing that drives me it’s the fear of becoming just another face in the crowd.

When I first started wrestling I was cocky, as all young athletes tend to be. I have learned. I may still be young but my mind has matured. I now know what I must do to succeed in my life. What I need to do to reach my life goals. I no longer rely on my ability to speak but my ability in the ring. I may not have the perfect record and I have fallen at the hands of some mediocre stars but you have to fall before you can truly win. To feel the highs you must first experience the lows.

When I step into the ring on Monday against Icon, Gary Reece and Stryfe I will take my place as a winner. I will let my determination and heart run my body rather than my mind. Week in week out I have worked hard, taking on a different opponent in preparation for my time to step up the ladder. I do have fear in me but I don’t fear any of my opponents. The only thing I fear is I, and my own inability to push forward, to give one hundred percent no matter what. I will be happy once I know I stepped into the ring and gave it my all.

Do I believe that I will be the best in that ring come Monday? Yes because Stryfe and Gary Reese are has beens and Icon isn’t far behind. They are no longer the names on everyone’s lips they are no longer the outstanding superstars they once were. I have fought long and hard since I arrived back at UWF. Long and hard to be given the chance to be champion. Nothing in this life has ever been handed to me despite the wealth and the American dream. I made this myself. I want Stryfe, Icon and Gary to swallow their doubts about me. I want them to look back at this match and think 'damn she kicked my ass and I underestimated her'. I've studied all of my opponents’ weaknesses and fears, both of their ring abilities and their common faults and come Monday I will use their weakness to my advantage.

I live my life one day at a time. I live my life pushing for certain goals that I feel will define me as a person, as a superstar and as an athlete. And when my time has come and I must come face to face with my creator I will not fear. And when he asks me what I have accomplished on Earth I will tell him I overcame the odds, dipped out of the shadows into the sun light and had my name etched in gold as the best there was for I was a fighter until the day I died.