In the end, it didn't really matter. They were fucked from the beginning and
none of them knew it, not even Brad. A legend that turned out to be false. A
final battle. A final cut of fragile psyches. An explosion and water and now
here. Dry, clothed, and in a hotel room. Far too normal for Schuldich's
tasted. But he never got what he wanted anyway so it didn't matter. They were
free of SS for the moment but none of them doubted that they'd be called back
into service. If not today, then tomorrow. If not tomorrow, then soon. They
had pledged their lives to SS. They couldn't escape a contract written in
blood.

But they didn't know when and he had time to think, time to choose. He still
didn't know what he wanted. No, he corrected himself. He knew what he wanted,
had always known what he'd wanted. SS had cleaned him of all but one
addiction those many years ago and that one addiction was standing in front
of him with an annoyed look on his face. And he didn't care, couldn't care,
which made it all the worse. But Schuldich knew that already. Eight years of
trying. Eight years of losing. The walls were crumbling inside.

"What do you want, Schuldich?" Brad asked.

/Something that I can't explain, but what everyone else has. Something that
makes me want to scream every time I look at you,/ he thought to himself as
he shrugged and said, "Just came to see how you're doing. I was so hoping
you'd be angry and full of self-doubt but I was asking for too much."

Lies. All of them.

"Pity," came the cool reply.

Schuldich shook his head, red hair spilling around his face. He was dressed
in baggy jeans and a tight black, short sleeved shirt. He hated short sleeves
but it was all he had. The lack of fabric bared his arms, bared his scars,
bared his failures. They were crossed over his chest defensively, as if he
was holding on to the last thing that mattered, when truthfully, nothing did
anymore. Pale limbs curled close to hide the marks of abuse. Scars never went
away.

"Nagi's at the mall and I've locked Farfarello in his room."

"Anything else?" Blue eyes strayed to the laptop on the desk.

Warmth. Acceptance. Want. Words. Truth.

"No."

He smiled, feeling things crack inside of him. Eight years of trying and
nothing to show for his efforts. Everything to survive. Everything to live.
Everything for him. Everything . . .

"If that's all, why don't you leave? I've got things to do."

Schuldich shrugged and rolled his eyes. "Whatever." He hesitated only a
moment before pulling something out of his large pocket and handing it over
to Brad with a diffident gesture. "Here."

Blue eyes briefly glanced at the lines on white skin before he took the black
CD player. "What's this for?"

"No reason," Schuldich said as he turned around. "I'll be in my room."

He left without a backwards glance, shutting the door behind him. He leaned
against it tiredly, wearily, eyes closed. With a shake of his head he pushed
himself up and away, walking to his room which was two doors down. Pulling
out his key he slipped it into the lock and turned the knob, opening the
door. He let it fall shut behind him as he padded to the bed and sat down.
Bending over he pulled a knife out of his left boot and stared down at the
blade with empty green eyes. It was time for him to choose again. Silence or
noise. Life or death. It turned out to be an easy choice after all.

After so many cuts in his life, what was one more?

***

The counter flashed track six. Out of curiosity, Brad pressed play.
 

    /You let me violate you
     You let me desecrate you
     You let me penetrate you
     You let me complicate you

     Help me
     I broke apart my insides
     Help me
     I've got no soul to sell
     Help me
     The only thing that works for me
     Help me get away from myself
 
     I want to fuck you like an animal
     I want to feel you from the inside
     I want to fuck you like an animal
     My whole existence is flawed
     You get me closer to God

     You can have my isolation
     You can have the hate that it brings
     You can have my absence of faith
     You can have my everything

     Help me
     Tear down my reason
     Help me
     It's your sex I can smell
     Help me
     You make me perfect
     Help me become somebody else

     I want to fuck you like an animal
     I want to feel you from the inside
     I want to fuck you like an animal
     My whole existence is flawed
     You get my closer to God

     Through every forest, above the trees
     Within my stomach, scrapped off my knees
     I drink the honey inside your hive
     You are the reason I stay alive/
 

And Brad finally understood.

***

He was being shaken out of darkness by rough hands. He blinked, a face
swimming above him. A familiar one with blue eyes. Harsh words were grating
against his ears and he flinched as something warm and wet landed on his cold
face. The voice became words and the hands wouldn't let him go.

"Schuldich--*why*?"

The darkness was eating at his soul but Brad was holding him and he didn't
know which he wanted more. He smiled without his masks, revealing the pain he
had harbored for so long, the pain of a little boy lost so long ago amidst a
thousand mistakes; so long ago that nothing could save him anymore. Not even
himself.

"Sunde . . ." he whispered.

Because they didn't have a choice.

Because there was no other way.