| "A NEW BEGINNING" |
| Page 2 |
| To be truthful, I do not believe I was consciuos to what was happening. Was my mind playing tricks? Was I not hearing voices inside of my head? I am sure if anyone was there to ask me what day it was; I would not been able to answer. Not only what day of the week it was, but neither what day of the month. In fact, I am not sure if I could of told anyone what year we were living in. My brain was slowly turning to mush. All my faculties of my body were being destoyed by the disease of alcoholism. Yes, a slow process that would eventually lead to death. I turned back and stared at my mug of beer. I had at that moment no urge to take a sip. I then looked up at the large screen TV. I then without thinking drew off the bar top a quarter and proceeded to walk over to the pay phone. I called the VAMC and stated for the umfteen time that I was coming in for admittance. That I was sick and tired. I returned back to the bar area, withdrew my change off the bar top, grabbed my possessions and entered the cold outdoors. I hiked across town seven blocks to the VAMC. The first couple of days in the detoxify ward, I spent in bed sleeping. I was being administered Librium to quell the shakes throughout my body. An IV was attached to my right arm to offset dehydration of my inner self. My appetite was non-existence. I spent the majority of hours in a deep sleep. I do recall, possibly the second night, lying on my back looking up at the white painted ceiling with a blank stare. I then out of the clear sky blue stated outloud, 'God, if there is such a thing, my life is in your hands to do as please.' Was not this the point of which I started a new beginning? By the third day, I was able to get out of bed and even leave the room and ward. The IV had been removed as my appetite returned. I weighed 155 lbs. as both my legs and arms resembled toothpicks. Having really no family to call too, I was alone in this world unknown to me. I was still taking Librium and walked the halls in a daze. I found myself entering the Canteen Service Store. Here I purchased a pen, tablet, and a loose leaf folder. On exiting the Canteen, I headed down the hall and entered the VA Library. As being lead by something, I went straight to a shelf of books. I picked out a book and signed it out to take back to my room. I really believe that I had no clue to what I was doing. Once back in my room, I sat on the bed and stared at the cover of this particular book entitled, 'Neurological and Psychiatrical Disabilities Due to Alcohol Abuse.' What in the world was happening? I opened the huge book and glanced at the inside cover. What my eyes started reading was what my life in misery was all about. And even so, many of the words that I read didn't make no sense to my brain of mush, I found in the back of the book a glossary with meanings of all difficult medical terms. The next five days on the detoxify ward were devoted to reading this book. With pen in hand and the note pad, I started writing what I would begin to learn about the disease of alcoholism. I did know then that I did not want to die. That I had found a new will to live. To discover that there was a life other than the one of misery. This indeed was the start of a new beginning. Bingocliff 1/26/03 |