The "How Many Jokes Can I Fit On One Page" Page
Bob's wife stayed at home one day while Bob went to work. While she was watching TV she heard that a car was going in the wrong direction on the highway that Bob was on. Worried, she called him on his cell phone and told him. Bob replied, "Yeah, but it's not just one car--there are hundreds of them!"
12 Things You Should Never Say When Pulled Over
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't
plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me.
Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition
to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a
warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us
does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are
no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have
you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee
Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
* Black holes are where God divided by zero.
* All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
* How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
* Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
* 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
* Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire.
* Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
* Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.
* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
* A day without sunshine is like night.
* On the other hand, you have different fingers.
* When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
* Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
* Honk if you love peace and quiet.
* Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
* He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
* The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
* Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
* Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
* The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, going
the wrong way.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on
it.
* The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness
of the bread.
* The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability
to reach it.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.
* A fool and his money are soon partying.
* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
* Always try to be modest. And be proud of it!
* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of
payments.
* Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."
* Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
* Half the people you know are below average.
* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Urinalysis
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike
behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a
doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike
replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the
corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you
what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and
costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights
up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the
slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a
printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and
avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed
some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good
measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog
has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your
daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is
pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you
don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better.
