Christmassy Humour 2
Cats' Top Ten Favorite Christmas Songs
10. Up on the Mousetop
9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
8. Joy to the Curled
7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
6. The First Meow
5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
4. Silent Mice
3. Fluffy, the Snowman
2. Jingle Balls
1. Wreck the Halls!
5 Ways To Annoy At Christmas
1. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting: "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..."
2. Hang a stocking with your roommate's name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it.
3. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
4. Sing "All I want for Christmas is your two front teeth..."
5. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.
How Santa REALLY Knows! (to the tune of "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town")
You'd better watch out,
You'd better not cry,
You'd better not pout;
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is tapping your phone.
He's bugging your room,
He's reading your mail,
He's keeping a file
And running a tail.
Santa Claus is tapping your phone.
He hears you in the bedroom,
Surveills you out of doors,
And if that doesn't get the goods,
Then he'll use provocateurs.
So--you mustn't assume
That you are secure.
On Christmas Eve
He'll kick in your door.
Santa Claus is tapping your phone.
Vow of Silence
At a monastery high in the mountains, the monks have a rigid vow
of silence. Only at Christmas, and only by one monk, and only
with one sentence, is the vow allowed to be broken.
One Christmas, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak and he says, "I
like the mashed potatoes we have with the Christmas turkey!" and
he sits down. Silence ensues for 365 days.
The next Christmas, Brother Michael gets his turn, and he says "I
think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I hate them!"
Once again, silence for 366 days (it's leap year). The following
Christmas, Brother Paul rises and says, "I am fed up with this
constant bickering!"
Question: What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
Answer: Sandy Claws.
Question:Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
Answer: So he can ho-ho-ho.
Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Answer: Frostbite.
Question: What goes Ho-squelch, Ho-squelch, Ho-squelch?
Answer: Father Christmas with snow in his wellies.
Question: What goes Ho-squelch, Ho-squelch, Ho-squelch, BANG?
Answer: Father Christmas with snow in his wellies in a minefield!
Question: How would you get four reindeer in a car?
Answer: Two in the front and two in the back!
Question: And how do you get four polar bears in a car?
Answer: Take the reindeer out first
Dear Father Christmas,
This Christmas could you please send me a yellow door.
Yours, Sherlock Holmes
Watson: So why do you want a yellow door Holmes?
Holmes: Lemon-entry my dear Watson.
Santa: "So little girl, what would you like for Christmas?"
Girl: "I want a Barbie Doll and a G.I. Joe."
Santa: "Doesn't Barbie always come with Ken?"
Girl: No, she only fakes it with Ken."
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
