Reasons to be Proud you are British
Number One: The Weather
We have more weather
than any other nation
(which is A Good Thing;
we are Polite,
and Reserved,
and it gives us Something to Talk About at dinner).
Number Two: Humour
To wit: our enduring global legacy
of irony,
and slapstick,
and surrealism;
(which brings us neatly back to):
Number Three: The Weather
Which affords so much of the above humour.
(Polite, reserved and self-deprecating
as we are).
Number Four: Freedom to discuss
(Not change, merely discuss)
Politics, Religion and a Woman's Age
(which of course we mustn't mention at dinner...
... and which therefore brings us back to):
Number Five: The Weather
(Which we may discuss at dinner
and which we also
cannot change).
Then there is Number Six: Our decaying NHS
Which still offers more healthcare
than elsewhere
at the cheapest rate.
(But which is difficult to access by public transport
which is often hampered by)...
Number Seven: The Weather
Number Eight: "Nether Wallop"
and all the other wonderful names
bestowed on our ancient villages.
(Irony or slapstick?
What do you think?)
And which of course we canot reach
because of 'leaves on the line'
or 'the wrong kind of snow'
which mean the trains cannot get there.
(This is - obviously - due to)...
Number Nine: The Weather
And, rising at Number Ten: we have Music
(Where we combine
humour
and
irony
and a number one hit
which celebrates our ultimate icons:
the men who are paid to talk about...
The Weather).
Coda:
John Kettley is a weather man
A weather man
A weather man
John Kettley is a weather man
And so is Michael Fish
30th April 2003
Note: This is that rarest of things - a collaborative poem, and the copyright is shared between myself and the co-author.
Further note: 'John Kettley is a Weather Man' was a one hit wonder by The Tribe of Toffs.
Patrimony:
matrimony.
Honey money,
(cunny money)!
Sanctimony,
parsimony.
Acrimony? ...
Alimony!
22nd May 2003
A friend of mine presented me with a fruit-challenge. Like most poets, I ducked the "orange", but I did manage most of the others. After a fashion.
Andy wants a rhyme for "grape"
(beloved food for man and ape)
but it's hard, and we must scrape
the bottom of the barrel.
Then he suggests I try "banana"
ripe and yellow, from Guiana,
potassium-enriched Nirvana,
(I use real words, unlike Carroll).
I did once write about my Apple.
Windows sucks, you'll find a Mac'll
do all you want, unless you grapple
with really tricky words.
Then we find a rhyming dict-
ionary helps us when we inflict
on wary people rhymes so strict
or scary they write us off as nerds.
7th September 2003
What I say is what I mean.
what you see is what you get,
what I think shows on my face,
and yet you're still confused, my pet?
Dr John Grey wrote the now infamous Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Dorothy Parker wrote brittle and witty epigrams; her subjects included the pleasures, pains and miscommunications of love.
19th October 2003
All poems copyright © Beth Cargill, 2002 and 2003. All rights reserved.
If you wish to contact the author please email: [email protected]
Quails' eggs and other cock-ups