Finding peace again
A collection of personal suggestions for dealing with death and greiving.
As published in "The Echoes of the Soul" by Laurie Bell.
copyright 2000 - All Rights Reserved
How are we, mere humans, to deal with a loss so great that we feel a part of ourselves has died? Where do we find the strength to cope with the immense ache of losing a loved one? I've collected many of the ideas and techniques I've used to deal with my grief, to use in this article.
Certainly these aren't the only ways in which one might find some peace, but they may be helpful.
*If you're a friend of a griever, there's some helpful hints for you here too.
I found that the most important first steps of my healing processes have been identifying and "re-learning" the simple facts I'd seemed to forget in my despair.
No matter how we wish we could save our loved ones forever, we can't do it. Someday, we will all die. It is something we hate to think about in reference to our loved ones, but it is essential to positively realize this when dealing with a recent death. Most of us have distinct defense mechanisms that shoot off almost upon hearing the news. First we deny. We literally say to ourselves - or scream to others, NO! Not my baby! (etc.)
"She was so young..."
"He seemed like he was doing so much better..."
Then, like above, we rationalize all the reasons why it cannot be true. It's human nature.
We must focus on the realizations that whether it is "for the best" or not, it happened - and now we must deal with it. That is the inevitable grief stage.
In a society where practically everything is now 'abnormal', it's becoming increasingly difficult to call anything normal, average or acceptable. Feeling sad, depressed, and angry are normal reactions to death. If grief continues, without improvement or treatment over a long period of time, it is advisable to seek professional assistance in coping with these emotions. Grief however, the standard screaming, crying, and feelings of helplessness that come with the death of a loved one is normal. If you are a friend of someone who has lost a loved one, avoid saying things like-"It's been a month now, snap out of it" or "What's your problem?" Be empathetic and kind. If you cannot support your friend in these ways, don't get involved at all. Help your friend through the grief process by sending an 'I appreciate you' card in addition to the 'sorry for your loss' notes, or drop off a home-cooked meal. Remember whether you're the griever, or the friend of one, healing takes time.
It's hard to think of anything but your loss when you're in pain, but it's important that you find ways to distract yourself from it. Overeating, undereating, long periods of sleeping and exessive excercise are some of the dangerous behaviors that often accompany grief. If you are grieving, you probably won't want to read a book. It was my experience that my swollen eyes were too strained during reading, and I became more frustrated and upset.
Some suggestions for relaxation and time out are:
May you find peace!
-Laurie Bell-