Adapted from The Battered Woman, by Lenore Walker, Ch. 1
Facts of Domestic Violence
Why Women Stay
SITUATIONAL FACTORS:
- economic dependence
- fear of greater physical danger to themselves and their children if they attempt to leave
- fear of emotional damage to children
- fear of losing custody of children
- lack of alternative housing
- social isolation resulting in lack of support from family or friends and lack of information regarding alternatives
- fear of involvement in court processes
- cultural and religious constraints
- fear of retaliation
EMOTIONAL FACTORS:
- fear of lonliness
- insecurity over potential independence and lack of emotional support
- guilt about failure of marriage
- fear that abuser is not able to survive alone
- belief that abuser will change
- ambivalence and fear over making formidable life changes
Domestic Violence: Myths & Realities
Myth: The problem of domestic violence is greatly exaggerated.
Reality: National statistics reveal that every year three to four million women are beaten by their husbands or boyfriends, and every day, four die. Battery is the single most common cause of injury to women, more than auto accidents, rapes or muggings combined. Physical abuse is cited as the cause of one fourth of all suicide attempts by women. Twenty percent of visits by women to emergency rooms are the result of battering by their husbands or boyfriends.
Myth: The terms domestic violence and spouse abuse mean that men and women are equally violent.
Reality: National crime survey data show that men commit 95 percent of all assaults on female spouses or girlfriends. Forty percent of all female homicide victims are killed by their husbands or boyfriends; only 10% of male homicide victims are killed by their wives or girlfriends, and of these 7% were killed in self-defense.
Myth: Men and women have always fought; it is natural.
Reality: There is occasional conflict in every family and relationship, but there is no need for violence. Wife beating is a crime of rage, power, and control. The batterer often thinks he has the right to control his partner through any means, even beating. Violence is never an acceptable or justifiable way to solve problems.
Myth: Domestic violence only happens in the lower economic classes and minority population.
Reality: Woman abuse occurs in families from all social, racial, economic, educational, and religious backgrounds. It occurs in towns, suburbs, rural areas, inner cities, and neighborhoods. Battered women with few economic resources are more visible because they seek help from public agencies and are counted in statistics. Women from middle and upper economic groups are more likely to seek help from private agencies.
Myth: Battering usually only happens once. It should be a private family matter, not a crime.
Reality: A battering incident is rarely an isolated occurrence; beatings escalate in frequency and intensity. Assault is a crime whether it is committed within or outside the family.
The Police Foundations found that there was a lower incidence of further violence when the batterer was arrested than when the police separated the partners or mediated the conflict. The Minneapolis Police Study corroborates this finding, and also showed that victims were twice as likely to be beaten again if the batterer was not arrested. In the Duluth Mandatory Arrest Study, where a choice of 30 days in jail or six months of counseling was offered, 87% of the victims were living free of violence two years later. In order to achieve a new violence-free life for themselves and their children, battered women deserve to receive the protection that is their right from the criminal justice system and the necessary support of community resources.
Myth: If an abused woman wanted to, she could leave her abuser.
Reality: Many abused women do leave their abusers. Many women divorce because of abuse by their partner, but choose not to tell about the abuse.
Social, economic, cultural, religious, legal, and financial reasons often keep battered women in the relationship. Fear often causes women to stay and many of the worst injuries and deaths occur when they try to leave. Abusers try to prevent women from leaving by threatening to hurt or kill them, to hurt or kill their children, to kill themselves, or to get custody of the children. If they are able to leave, as many as 50% of batterers find their wives and girlfriends and continue to abuse and harass.
Societal attitudes, such as the belief that the success of marriages is the responsibilty of women and that women are harming their children if they deprive them of their father by leaving, no matter how he acts, keep some women in violent relationships. In addition, women with children who leave the home have a 50% chance that they will be economically deprived and end up existing below poverty level. INSTEAD OF ASKING "WHY DOES SHE STAY?" ASK, "WHY DOES HE KEEP ON ABUSING HER?"
Myth: Marital rape does not really happen.
Reality: At least one-fifth of all battered women are forced by their partner to have sex as part of the beating or following the beating. Lenore Walker's study of battered women found the 60% were sexually assaulted by their abuser.
Myth: A woman's pregnancy will stop the battering.
Reality: There is often an increase in abuse when the woman becomes pregnant and the first physical assault often happens with pregnancy.
Myth: Children are not usually aware that their mother is being abused, so children are not affected.
Reality: In at least one-half of families where their mother is abused, the children are also abused. They may also be hurt by the violence against their mother from flying objects, while being held by her, or while trying to protect her.
Boys are more likely to abuse their partner when they grow up if they have been raised in a violent home. Sixty-three percent of boys age 11 to 20 who commit murder, kill the man who is abusing their mother. Seventy-three percent of abusers were abused as children and at least 80 percent of men in prisons grew up in violent homes. Girls learn that society accepts violence against women.
Children in violent homes feel afraid and confused. They do not receive the benefit of a safe and nurturing environment, which they deserve. They are traumatized emotionally even if they are not physically abused. They are at a higher risk to experience behavior problems, learning problems, physical problems produced by stress, and chemical dependency problems. Children learn by observing, and see that violence works-it gets you what you want, especially if you pick on someone less powerful. They learn that it is okay to use violence to solve problems and to control, especially when there is no intervention to stop the violence.
Myth: Battered women are masochistic and crazy, the provoke and enjoy their abuse.
Reality: Women do not provoke or deserve battering. They deserve a violence-free life. As happens with rape, the attempt is made to blame the victim for the behavior of the attacker. Abusers commonly blame minor frustrations, alcohol and drug abuse, and the words or behavior of their partner for their battering. Their violence, however, is their choice. There are non-violent ways to deal with their anger.
A battered woman's reactions to the violence are normal, given the circumstances, and the reactions are often necessary for survival. She is not crazy. She still hopes her partner will change, and indeed, he may show remorese and there may be some good times; however, the good times and remorse happen less and less over time.
Myth: Men who abuse women are mentally ill and not responsible for their actions.
Reality: Battering is a learned behavior from childhood experiences and from social messages condoning violence against women. Psychological tests have repeatedly shown that men who abuse women do no differ from the "normal" adult male. Lenore Walker's study found that batterers had learned as children that violence was an appropriate response to anger. Abusers are not out of control, but are trying to get control over their partner with demands, threats, and physical abuse. They deny and minimize the violence, and blame their partners for their violence. Their violent behavior will continue as long as society continues to refuse to treat their violence as the serious crime that it is and impose serious consequences.
Myth: Alcohol and drug abuse cause domestic violence.
Reality: Alcohol and drug abuse do not cause violence. The violence may be more sever, however, when alcohol or drugs are involved. Alcohol and drugs may also intensify existing violent behavior. Rates of simultaneously occuring domestic violence and alcohol abuse vary from as low as 25 perecent in some studies, to as high as 80 percent in other studies.
Many batterers do not abuse alcohol or drugs and many alcohol or drug abusers do not batter. Chemical dependency treatment will not cure battering; the two problems need to be dealt with separately. The alcohol abuse rate for abused women is the same as that of the general female population, 7 to 14 percent. Their alcohol abuse does not justify their being battered.
Myth: Batterers cannot change.
Reality: The criminal justice system can hold batterers accountable for their actions and court orders the choice of jail or counseling. Men who batter can learn to take responsibility for their own behavior and can learn non-violent ways to act and communicate. The programs for men who batter, however, are only as effective as the willingness of the batterer to change.
Myth: Once battering stops, everything will be okay.
Reality: There is also psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse which often continues even when the battering is stopped. These behaviors must also stop before the healing can start.
Women who are abused feel fear, depression, anxiety, helplessness, anger, and embarrassment. A lowered self-esteem can develop from constant insults and put downs by her abuser. She is often isolated by her partner and has lost touch with friends and family. She may be afraid that she will be blamed by them for the violence. The support of friends, family, and the community is necessary for her to recognize her strengths and to believe that she is a good person who deserves a violence-free life. Recovery from abuse is a process and can take a long time.
Myth: Domestic violence is only a family problem.
Reality: Domestic violence is still viewed by many as just a family problem, even though the effects are serious. it is a crime that can result in serious injury or death. It is a crime against society just like violence between strangers. Social problems such as alcoholism, drug addiction, juvenile delinquency, suicide, and runaway children are increased by violence in the home. Businesses lose $3 to $5 billion dollars each year because of absenteeism resulting from abuse, and $100 million in medical costs. Communities spend millions of dollars every year on intervention. Society suffers when individuals and families are destroyed by domestic violence.
References: Annotated Bibliography on Spouse Abuse. Wife Abuse: The Facts. Response to Violence in the Family and Sexual Assault. National Clearing House on Domestic Violence. Center for Women Policy Studies. January, 1980, Washington D.C.
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence Report. April 1985
National Woman Abuse Prevention Project. 1989. Washington D.C.
What Keeps Women in Abusive Relationships
- Guilt
- Children want a dad/pressure from children
- Money/financial problems without him
- Companionship
- Upbringing modeled abuse as normal
- Hope it's going to improve/ hope he'll change
- History Together
- Commitment to relationship
- Don't want to look/feel like a failure
- Don't want to divorce
- Loneliness
- Fear of living alone or being alone
- Not wanting to look for someone else
- Fear of losing children
- Not wanting to grieve
- Threats of harm
- Fear of Physical Harm
- Fear of losing house, car
- Pressure from others
- Feeling defective
- Low self-esteem
- Preserving reputation as a family
- Self-blame for the abuse
- Single parenting is unattractive
- Left out of social functions/invitations
- Stigma/rejection
- Love them
- Sex
- Affection, kindness, touch, some of the time
- Promises
- Apologies/Crying
- Security
- Losing partner's family
- Cycle is familiar
- Not wanting to start over
- Not wanting to give up "the dream"
- Threats of suicide by them
- His/her power/his/her family's power
- Social status
- Religion
- Fear of harassment
- "Mr. Nice Guy" image
- Fear of the unknown
- Lack of awareness that it's okay to leave
- Not identifying what is going on as abuse
- Feeling of not being wanted by anyone else
- No support system
- Nowhere to go
- Others blame you
- Learn to think certain behaviors are normal
- No one may believe you
Works Cited Journey Beyond Abuse: Amherst H. Wilder Foundation, Copyright 1997
