Pack Up Your Troubles

Written by Tim Loane

Directed by Tom Cotter

Produced by Chris Griffin

Transcribed by Margaret Pattison

 

SCENE: Hendley's exterior.

 

A shiny red BMW is parked in front of the shop.

 

CUT TO: Hendley's interior.

 

Kathleen is ringing up Siobhan's purchases at the cash register. A middle-aged woman with dark sunglasses is standing with her back to them, looking at the shelves.

 

Kathleen:

                ??, muesli... (looks quizzically at Siobhan)...prunes?

 

Siobhan, poker-faced:

                I'm running the marathon.

 

Kathleen, friendly:

                Oh, right. (confidentially) I'm a sufferer myself.

 

The woman in sunglasses walks over to the counter, carrying a box of crackers. She stops next to Siobhan and greets her.

 

Woman:

                Hi.

 

Kathleen:

                Do you light (??)

 

Woman removes her sunglasses:

                You're smoother, Kathleen. (??)

 

Kathleen frowns. Siobhan shows signs of recognition.

 

Siobhan:

                How's it going, Fionnuala? I nearly didn't know you there.

 

Fionnuala:

                I'm fine, thanks Siobhan. Fine.

 

Siobhan nods politely.

 

Fionnuala turns to Kathleen:

                How are you?

She reaches out her hand to shake Kathleen's hand.

 

Kathleen points at the box of crackers, primly:

                Four ninety-nine. Please.

 

Fionnuala, smoothly:

                You haven't changed one bit, Kathleen.

She hands Kathleen a note.

 

Kathleen holds the note up to the light to check its authenticity. Fionnuala leaves. Siobhan suppresses a smile.

 

Kathleen raises her eyebrows, to Siobhan:

                I hope she has.

 

ROLL TITLES

 

SCENE: Padraig's garage exterior.

 

Kevin rides past on his bike. Padraig is lying on his back under a car, fixing something. His toolbox is lying open next to him. A bell, like loud buzzer, is ringing somewhere.

 

Padraig yells:

                Kevin! Kevin! Kevin!

He rolls himself out from under the car and looks in Kevin's direction.

 

Kevin dismounts his bike in front of the entrance to the house:

                I got it!

 

Padraig rolls himself back underneath the car. The red BMW from before pulls up in front of the garage. Padraig rolls himself back out from under the car and looks at the BMW. Looking underneath the car, he can see a woman's high heeled shoes walking around from the far side of the car. Padraig gets up. The woman is Fionnuala. They stare at each other a moment, no emotion showing.

 

Fionnuala takes a deep breath:

                Padraig.

 

Padraig nods slightly at her. Fionnuala turns to see Kevin riding up on his bike. He avoids looking at Fionnuala.

 

Kevin:

                That was uh Siobhan, she says she has some news for you but chances are you'll know by now, or before later, but if not she'll see you in the pub later or something.

 

Fionnuala, to Kevin:

                Hi.

 

Kevin, quickly:

                How're ya. (to Padraig) See you later Dad. You're cooking.

He rides quickly away.

 

Fionnuala:

                Well. Aren't you going to ask me in?

 

Padraig nods forcedly. He walks toward the house. Fionnuala follows him. Kevin has stopped a short ways up the road and looks back at Padraig and Fionnuala. Then he starts up his bike again and slowly rides away.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's interior.

 

Niamh is hurrying down the stairs, carrying Kieran in her arms. The pub is dark. Someone is knocking at the door.

 

Niamh:  

                I'm coming! I said I'm coming!

She clicks her tongue. She unlocks the door. It swings open. Niamh smiles. Assumpta enters.

 

Assumpta:

                It's past eleven. Don't know what kind of landlady you are.

She puts down her bag and walks back to Niamh.

 

Niamh:

                How are you, girl?

 

Assumpta hugs Niamh, then realizes she is squashing Kieran.

 

Assumpta:

                Oh!

 

Niamh:

                Sorry wee man.

 

Assumpta, to Kieran:

                Hello honey. Ohhhh. Awww.

 

Niamh beams at Assumpta. Assumpta takes Kieran over her shoulder. Kieran makes little cooing noises. Niamh goes out and looks up and down the street. She obviously doesn't see what she is looking for. She closes the door and locks it again. She turns back to Assumpta, looking troubled.

 

Niamh:

                Where is he?

 

Assumpta's smile fades.

 

Assumpta:

                Oh welcome home Assumpta nice to see you back you're looking well.

 

Niamh:

                You look awful.

 

Assumpta:

                Thanks a bunch.

 

Niamh:  

                Is he coming back?

 

Assumpta:

                No. It didn't happen, it couldn't have happened.

 

Niamh:

                Oh dammit. How did it finish?

 

Assumpta:

                Like most things with Leo. Not much of a bang but plenty of whimper.

 

Niamh:

                Poor fella.

 

Assumpta:

                Poor fella? You're supposed to be my friend.

 

Niamh:  

                I thought you were going to be happy.

 

Assumpta looks at Kieran, lightens up:

                What are you feeding him on, Niamh? Baby bio? (laughs)

She hands Kieran back to Niamh.

 

Niamh:

                No. Just good old me.

 

SCENE: Padraig's kitchen interior.

 

Padraig and Fionnuala are sitting stiffly at the kitchen table. The only light is from the window over the sink. They each have a mug of tea in front of them.

 

Fionnuala:

                You moved the washing machine.

 

Padraig:

                I had to. Pipes burst last January. I was sorry to hear about your mother.

 

Fionnuala:

                Yeah, it was--

 

Padraig:

                Yeah I know, I met your sister.

 

Fionnuala nods:

                Of course.

 

Padraig:

                She was right.

 

Fionnuala:          

                Oh?

 

Padraig:

                Legal business, very good favour obviously.

 

Fionnuala looks down at her suit, sighs in a modest way.

 

Fionnuala:

                I'm a partner now.

 

Padraig nods:

                Ah.

 

Fionnuala takes a sip of tea, holding the mug in both hands.

 

Padraig:

                Are you still in uh, what is it, Clapham?

 

Fionnuala:

                Just moved actually, to Richmond. South.

 

Padraig:

                Oh. Yeah. Very nice. Make a change from Ballykay. West.

He makes an attempt at humour.

 

Fionnuala:

                How's Kevin?

 

Padraig:

                What do you want?

 

Fionnuala:

                I was just passing through, I thought I'd drop in--

 

Padraig shakes his head:

                No you weren't.

 

Fionnuala:

                I don't want any trouble Padraig.

 

Padraig:

                Really?

 

Fionnuala:

                I just want a divorce.

 

Padraig:

                I see. Friendly fire.

 

Fionnuala:

                I want to get married.

 

Padraig:

                Again?

 

Fionnuala:

                Oh for God's sake don't go all Catholic on me.

 

Padraig:

                You know I would never stand in your way.

 

Fionnuala nods:

                I thought after seven years--

 

Padraig:

                Six years nine and a half months.

 

Fionnuala:

                It hurt me too, you know. Thanks for the tea.

She starts to stand up.

 

Padraig puts out his hand to stop her:

                No, stay. I'm sorry, it was just-- I'm sorry. It's good to see you again Fionnuala.

 

Fionnuala:

                Yeah. It's good to see you too.

 

SCENE: Brian's garage interior.

 

Donal is walking around looking like a cross between a bee keeper and a storm trooper in camouflage. Brian is reading some instructions out loud while Liam assembles something. Out in the driveway, a man wearing all black and sunglasses is visible approaching. None of the three in the garage sees him.

 

Brian:

                Connect gas meter tube D to cylinder...Paint ball gun is now ready for firing, simple.

 

Liam:

                ??

 

Brian:

                Hours of fun for the sportsman and business executive alike. Ready Donal?

 

Donal nods and raises both arms into a T shape. Liam raises the gun and aims at Donal. The man in black walks past Liam and pushes the gun down.

 

Man:

                Why don't you pick on someone your own size? Don't point that thing at me unless you're going to use it, hm?

He takes off his sunglasses and stows them in the inner breast pocket of his black leather jacket.

 

Brian:

                Who the hell?

 

Man rubs his hands together and laughs:

                Ha ha! You must be Brian.

He shakes Brian's hand.

 

Brian:

                And you are?

 

Man, cheerfully:

                Bob! Aren't you expecting me?

 

Brian, preoccupied:

                Oh Bob, yes, yes, erm, get the rest of those assembled then.

He picks up his hat and leaves.

 

Bob smiles, pushes Liam aside with the back of his hand, and follows Brian outside. Donal walks over to Liam, removes the beekeeper's veil, and looks thoughtfully in Bob's direction.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's interior.

 

Assumpta walks behind the bar:

                So. Any juicy scandal?

She turns to face Niamh with a gossipy look on her face.

 

Niamh is holding Kieran, who is sound asleep:

                Well Ambrose is thinking of getting an extension.

 

Assumpta:

                Never.

 

Niamh:

                Oh and Father Clifford's gone.

 

Assumpta looks crestfallen:

                Gone?

 

Niamh:

                Back to Manchester. His mother's very ill.

 

Assumpta:

                Oh my God.

 

Niamh:

                He'll be back soon though don't worry.

 

Assumpta breathes out heavily:

                Who's worried?

She walks into the kitchen.

 

SCENE: Brian's house exterior.

 

Brian is walking along the outside of his house. Bob is following him on his heels.

 

Brian:

                Alan Clark said he might send an observer.

 

Bob:

                Think of me as an assistant.

 

Brian:

                Well you can tell him it won't be necessary, I have everything under control.

 

Bob:

                Dad's a cautious man Brian.

 

Brian stops walking and turns toward Bob.

 

Bob:

                He's trusting you with his money and his staff.

 

Brian:

                Dad.

 

Bob:

                Yes.

 

Brian:

                I see.

 

Bob:

                He's been trying to find a suitable opening for me for years.

 

Brian:

                I can imagine.

 

Bob:

                This sounds like just the ticket to me. Oh, he uh, sent this for starters.

He pulls a cheque out of his jacket pocket.

 

In the background, Liam and Donal are visible rolling around on the lawn.

 

Bob:

                Unless, that is, you're having second thoughts.

 

Brian:

                Um, no.

 

Liam and Donal are laughing raucously. One of them has knocked over the other one and is pointing a paint gun at him.

 

Brian:

                I think this might be just as good a time as any to take on some new blood.

He takes the cheque.

 

CUT TO: Lawn.

 

Liam pulls off his head gear and runs away. Donal points the paint gun at him and fires. Both yell, Liam because he's been hit and Donal because he's hit him. Donal raises his hands in triumph.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's interior.

 

Siobhan enters, all smiles, and sits down at the bar:

                Give us a glass of your strongest lemonade there, wench.

 

Assumpta folds her arms, pleased:

                So how's the earth mother?

 

Siobhan:

                She has a fine litter of piglets by now, and I'm not bad either. So how are you?

 

Assumpta:

                Well I'm uh, free and single. (She leans down and picks up something from near the floor, which she then places below the counter.) Again. I just wish I felt the honest. (??)

 

Siobhan, sympathetically:

                Oh God. I'm sorry Assumpta.

 

Assumpta is pouring something from a small bottle into a glass:

                No it's all right, I'm glad to be home, I can feel my scars healing by the minute.

 

Siobhan:

                That's what's known in veterinary circles as having your wounds licked for you.

 

Assumpta:

                So how come you're not out doing your rounds?

 

Siobhan sighs and looks down.

 

Assumpta:

                It's that bad, huh?

 

Siobhan:

                Worse. I haven't touched a sheep in weeks.

 

Assumpta's eyes get wide:

                You having withdrawal symptoms?

 

Siobhan:

                Too risky for the baby.

 

Niamh enters from the kitchen.

 

Siobhan:

                And Eamonn won't let another vet touch his.

 

Assumpta:

                You know, you won't be able to deny it for much longer.

 

Niamh, curiously:

                Deny what?

 

Siobhan, nonchalantly:

                Nothing.

 

Assumpta nods her head slightly toward Niamh. Siobhan smiles, reaches into her back pocket.

 

Siobhan:

                Had me photograph taken yesterday.

She places a sonogram image of a baby on the bar top.

 

Niamh goggles at it.

 

Niamh, breathlessly:

                Congratulations!

 

Siobhan:

                Does it look like me do you think?

 

Niamh whispers:

                Fantastic.

 

Assumpta picks up the picture to look at it more closely.

 

Niamh:

                You can have my books and dresses. Are you doing your pelvic floor exercises?

 

Siobhan:

                Now, not a word to a soul, OK Niamh?

 

Assumpta:

                Do you know, I think this is a boy.

 

Niamh:

                How do you know?

 

Assumpta points at something on the image. Siobhan smiles.

 

Niamh:

                Oh Siobhan, who is the f--

 

Siobhan and Assumpta exchange a look.

 

Assumpta:

                Well don't look at me.

She laughs.

 

SCENE: River Angel.

 

Daytime, sunny. Brendan is standing on some rocks in hip waders, fishing. It looks like he is deep in thought.

 

SCENE: Padraig's kitchen interior.

 

Kevin and Padraig are sitting at the table, eating dinner.

 

Kevin:

                What did uh, she want.

He picks at his food with his fork.

 

Padraig:

                Who.

 

Kevin:

                That was Mum wasn't it.

 

Padraig doesn't answer, but takes a bite of food.

 

Kevin:

                Why'd she come back?

 

Padraig:

                I don't know.

 

Kevin:

                She come to stay?

 

Padraig:

                No.

 

Kevin:

                Why not?

 

Padraig:

                Because she left for good, she ran away, she ran out on the two of us, all right.

 

Kevin looks hurt.

 

Padraig:

                I cooked, you do the washing up.

He stands up and leaves.

 

Kevin looks out the window.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's interior.

 

Assumpta brings Padraig a stout at the end of the bar. Siobhan, Brendan, and Ambrose are also at the bar.

 

Padraig:

                Well I don't care what any of the rest of them say, I'm glad to see you back Assumpta.

 

Assumpta:

                Thanks.

She clears away his empty glass.

 

Brendan:

                Seems to be a new trend in prodigal daughters.

 

Padraig:

                Meaning?

 

Brendan:

                I hear Fionnuala's in town.

 

Padraig:

                Found out meself.

 

Siobhan:

                Yeah I met her this morning.

 

Padraig:

                Very nice for you.

 

Assumpta:

                You all right, Padraig?

 

Padraig:

                Course I am what's the problem?

 

Assumpta:

                No problem. Just...asking if you're all right, that's all.

 

Padraig:

                I could ask you the same question.

 

Assumpta rolls her eyes and looks around at Siobhan and Brendan. The outer door opens. Brian enters, followed by Bob and Donal in camouflage.

 

Brian:

                All right.

 

Ambrose:

                Good evening Brian.

 

Brian:

                Good evening.

 

Assumpta:

                If you're supposed to be the magnificent seven, you're minus four.

 

Brian:

                How nice to see you back, Mrs McGarvey.

 

Bob:

                Can I speak to the manager.

 

Assumpta:

                Shoot.

 

Bob:

                Oh right. Hi. May I have a room please. Mrs...?

 

Assumpta:

                Ms.

 

Bob:

                Really.

 

Assumpta walks down toward the hotel desk:

                Single or uh--

 

Bob follows her:

                Double. Best to keep my options open.

 

Assumpta:

                With or without a view.

 

Bob, admiring Assumpta's rear:

                I like the view as it is.

 

Assumpta:

                You couldn't possibly afford it.

 

Bob:

                I'll take the best you've got then.

 

Assumpta:

                Yes well it's up the stairs. Second on the left.

She drops a key into his hand and walks away.

 

Siobhan:

                So Brian, when are the Russians coming?

 

Brendan:

                The eagle has landed has he Brian?

 

Brian:

                You may mock.

 

Padraig:

                Mm, thanks very much, I wouldn't know where to begin.

 

Brian:

                Initiative and imagination, Padraig. You won't find them at the bottom of a pint of stout.

 

Padraig:

                Don't like your insinuation.

 

Brian:

                I don't like your aftershave.

 

Padraig:

                Is that right?

He moves to stand up.

 

Brendan raises a hand:

                Ah ah. So Brian, have a gun in your pocket, do you?

 

Brian:

                My outdoor pursuits start this weekend. (To Assumpta) You may thank me for all the thirsty punters I'll be bringing into town.

 

Assumpta:

                Oh I'm very grateful, I'm sure. What about Action Man?

 

Brian:

                Think of him, as my little gift to you.

 

Assumpta looks extremely skeptical.

 

SCENE: Father Mac's office interior.

 

Padraig and Fionnuala are sitting next to each other, across the desk from Father Mac.

 

Fionnuala:

                I was hoping Father, you might see your way to supporting us. You do know us both after all.

 

Fr Mac:

                Support. And when the time comes, can you see Peter at the gate offering extra support?

 

Fionnuala:

                I came here out of respect for you, Father. And for the church. I didn't have to. I could continue living with Paul and no one would be any the wiser.

 

At the mention of Paul, Padraig shifts in his seat and looks uncomfortable.

 

Fionnuala:

                Except maybe St. Peter that is.

 

Fr Mac:

                Then why bother? You've broken the rules before, you've ignored my advice before. So why do you come to me now?

He looks from Fionnuala to Padraig.

 

Fionnuala:

                Because you married us. Here. You can vouch for us, you know us both. You know our marriage is beyond repair.

 

Padraig looks uncomfortable again.

 

Fr Mac:

                And you know the church cannot condone divorce.

 

Fionnuala:

                The church is important to me--

 

Padraig impulsively reaches over and takes Fionnuala's hand into his lap.

 

Padraig:

                It's important to both of us Father.

 

Fr Mac sighs:

                This country will never get used to divorce. It will be a long and arduous process. Have you prepared yourself for that?

 

Fionnuala discreetly pulls her hand back into her own lap:

                It's being dealt with already in London. With Padraig's help it'll all be over in a few months.

 

Fr Mac, distastefully yet resignedly

                Dealt with. In London, of course.

 

Padraig:

                It's easier this way, Father, for all three of us.

 

Fr Mac:

                As divorced persons you will always be welcome in my churches, I will personally see to that. But Fionnuala if you decide to remarry, even though I may...understand your reasons, you must consider, that you are taking yourself out of communion with the church. Consequently, you will not be entitled to the sacraments. Do you understand that?

 

Fionnuala closes her eyes, looks down, and nods slightly.

 

SCENE: Country road.

 

Daytime, sunny. The red BMW is driving along a road.

 

Padraig:

                So when's the big day.

 

CUT TO: Car interior.

 

Fionnuala is driving. Padraig is on the passenger seat next to her.

 

Fionnuala:

                I'd like to meet Kevin.

 

Padraig:

                When are you going back?

 

Fionnuala:

                I'm in Dublin for another fortnight.

 

Padraig:

                I've never been to a civil wedding. Shall I be there to give you away?

He looks at Fionnuala and smiles.

 

Fionnuala laughs. Then they are silent for a moment.

 

Fionnuala, seriously:

                I want to see him, Padraig.

 

Padraig:

                You always did get what you wanted, didn't you.

 

Fionnuala doesn't answer.

 

CUT TO: Long outside shot.

 

The BMW drives away.

 

SCENE: Padraig's kitchen interior.

 

Fionnuala is sitting at the table. Padraig walks into the kitchen, his hands in his trouser pockets.

 

Padraig:

                He's usually home by now. I thought you were in a hurry.

 

Fionnuala:

                No no, I have plenty of time.

 

Padraig:

                He might be ages yet.

 

Fionnuala raises her eyebrows in acknowledgement.

 

Padraig:

                I'll tell him you were here.

 

Fionnuala:

                Look. I just want to see my son.

 

In the background, we can hear a door open and close. Then footsteps approach. Fionnuala looks around expectantly. Kevin enters.

 

Fionnuala:

                Hi Kevin.

 

Kevin barely glances at her:

                Hi.

 

Padraig:

                Kevin this is your mother.

 

Kevin looks at Fionnuala for a second, then turns back to Padraig:

                I got a pizza and cole slaw.

 

Fionnuala:

                Kevin...

She stands up.

 

Kevin turns and runs out of the room:

                I've uh, gotta get going.

 

Fionnuala goes after him:

                Kevin--

 

CUT TO: Hall.

 

Kevin runs up the stairs. Fionnuala stops at the bottom of the stairs and watches him go.

 

Padraig:

                What'd you expect? Welcome home party?

 

A door slams upstairs.

 

Padraig:

                Think we'd hang the flags out?

 

Fionnuala looks steamed. She goes back into the kitchen.

 

CUT TO: Kitchen.

 

Fionnuala picks up her purse from the table, puts it over her shoulder, and leaves. A door opens and closes.

 

SCENE: Country road.

 

Daytime, sunny. The red BMW is driving along a road.

 

CUT TO: Car interior.

 

Fionnuala is driving the car and crying.

 

CUT TO: Exterior shot.

 

The car is driving along the road.

 

SCENE: Camp Quigley.

 

Daytime, sunny. A blue van drives into the camp, which consists of several cheaply constructed lean-to's with plastic sheeting for walls and corrugated tin roofs. Donal and Liam are standing around in camouflage gear. When the van pulls up, they go over to it.

 

Someone shouts:

                Move it! Move it!

 

Several slightly dazed-looking men in similar-looking casual attire (dark trousers, dark sweatshirts, dark jackets) and carrying dark duffle bags get out of the van.

 

Someone shouts again:

                Move it!

 

Brian:   

                Welcome, to Ballykissangel.

 

Brian has set himself up before the group, flanked by Donal and Liam. Brian is also wearing camouflage, with sunglasses and clutching a clipboard to his chest. He has a pointer tucked under one arm.

 

Brian:

                During this weekend course, I expect to see enthusiasm, commitment, but above all, teamwork. This is no holiday camp.

 

Red-headed man murmurs to his neighbor:

                No kidding, what.

 

Brian:

                Your director, Mr Clark, has sent you here, to learn about your...instincts, and your limitations, under severe pressure. And in the end, I am confident, that you will use this survival training daily, when running your own supermarket branch.

 

Red-headed man to his neighbor:

                All right enough, it's a jungle out there, what?

 

The neighbor, a bearded man, laughs.

 

Bob, who is standing directly behind the red-headed man, bellows:

                QUIET!!

He walks out of the crowd and toward Brian.

 

The red-headed man startles.

 

Brian:

                Lights out at eleven o'clock sharp. All meals prepared al fresco. Toilet facilities are as nature intended. The river, due north. (He points in that direction with the pointer, which he promptly tucks back under his arm.) Now I want you all ready for action, o eight hundred hours, tomorrow morning.

 

Donal starts to consult his watch, but puts his arm back down quickly as Brian continues talking.

 

Brian:

                You know of course, Mr Bob Clark.

He nods towards Bob, who is now standing next to Donal.

 

Bearded man:

                I want to go home.

 

Bob steps over to the group and bellows:

                Line up! Soldiers to the right and soldiers to the left! Get your uniforms and get back! DIS-MISSED!

He turns toward Brian.

 

The group starts to disperse. Brian looks impressed with Bob.

 

Brian:

                You're a natural, Bob.

 

Bob grins proudly:

                Sure I'll be running it for you before you know it.

 

Brian smiles, takes off his sunglasses, nods, and walks away.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's interior.

 

Assumpta closes the trap door leading into the cellar.

 

Assumpta, annoyed:

                And he wants a TV in his room.

 

Niamh is also behind the bar, holding a tea towel:

                That's not bad.

 

Assumpta, slightly disgusted:

                He asked me if I wanted to watch it with him. I asked him if he wanted an alarm call, he said oh just roll over, push me out.

She picks up a tea towel, folds it up, and puts it down again.

 

Niamh, indignantly:

                The dirty eejit!

 

Assumpta gives Niamh a confirming look.

 

Ambrose enters from outside, carrying Kieran on one arm.

 

Ambrose:

                Dinner time, Niamh.

 

Niamh clucks her tongue and rolls her eyes.

 

Assumpta, ruefully, to Ambrose:

                Again?

 

Ambrose:

                Yeah. It's the only way we can get him to settle.

He swings a nappy bag up onto the bar.

 

Niamh, haughtily:

                We?

 

Ambrose, snippily:

                Well, I'm not, exactly, equipped.

 

Assumpta:

                Well I-- I'll try with a bottle.

 

Ambrose:

                There's no point. He won't sleep without the--

He hands Kieran over the bar to Niamh.

 

Niamh, to Kieran:

                Whose Daddy's a big dipstick?

 

Ambrose, through his teeth:

                Right. Back in a bit.

He turns to leave.

 

Niamh:

                Wait and bring him with you.

 

Ambrose turns back:

                I can't, I'm working.

 

Niamh:

                Then take him in the buggy, can't you?

 

Ambrose:

                I'm not going out on the beat with a baby in a buggy, not after the last time.

 

Assumpta, soothingly:

                No it's all right Niamh, you can go home, we're not busy.

 

Niamh, agitated:

                No it's not OK, I have a job too and I'm working today.

 

Assumpta:

                Look I'll do the babysitting, I wouldn't mind a night off.

She reaches out to take Kieran.

 

Niamh pulls Kieran back away from Assumpta, haughtily:

                Don't be silly, you're only just back.

 

Ambrose, angrily:

                Tell you what. (takes off his hat and puts it on the bar top) I'll resign, sure who needs law and order anyway.

 

Assumpta:

                Oh enough! Niamh, this is ridiculous, please, take him inside, I don't mind. Ambrose, just sling your hook, OK? (turns to Niamh, cajoles) I'll put the heater on for him, OK?

She walks past Niamh to the kitchen.

 

Niamh stands there looking very insulted and self-righteous.

 

Ambrose:

                You have a monitor in there, yeah?

He reaches into the nappy bag and takes out a baby monitor, turns it on.

 

Niamh, snippily:

                Yes.

 

Ambrose takes a seat on a bar stool and puts the monitor up to his ear:

                Well can you say something into it please?

 

Behind Ambrose, the red-headed man from Camp Quigley sits down on a stool. He is wearing camouflage. A door slams.

 

Niamh, over the baby monitor:

                Bug off, Daddy.

 

The bearded man from Camp Quigley sits down next to the red-headed man. He is also wearing camouflage.

 

Bearded man, to Ambrose:

                Cute, huh.

 

Red-headed man, to Ambrose, sympathetically:

                No respect.

 

Assumpta returns. Ambrose gets up.

 

Assumpta, to the guests:

                Well. Men in uniform.

 

Bearded man:

                Four pints please luv. We're in a bit of a hurry.

 

Assumpta walks over to the taps:

                Well now, you know you should never rush a good pint.

She starts to pull a pint.

 

Red-headed man:

                No. It's just your man, said we shouldn't be coming in here during the day.

 

Assumpta, calmly:

                Who did?

 

Bearded man:

                Blob Clark. [sic]

 

Assumpta:

                I thought it was supposed to be fun.

 

Bearded man:

                Not with that fellow Quigley in charge.

 

Red-headed man:

                Who is that gomberry (?) man anyway?

 

Niamh arrives, carrying Kieran, who is still awake.

 

Niamh:  

                My father.

 

Assumpta grimaces.

 

Red-headed man:

                Ah. Nice fella.

 

SCENE: Ballykissangel street.

 

Daytime, sunny. Kevin is walking Fionn across the intersection toward Fitzgerald's. He enters Fitzgerald's. Fionnuala is sitting in her parked car just a short way up the street. She watches Kevin in her rear-view mirror.

 

Kevin, inside Fitzgerald's:

                Here's Fionn back Assumpta.

He comes back out and walks up toward the police station, passing Fionnuala's car.

 

Fionnuala leans her head out the window and watches Kevin approach.

 

Fionnnuala:

                Hi Kevin.

 

Kevin sees her and purposefully ignores her.

 

Fionnuala gets out of the car:

                Please, Kevin, I want to talk to you.

She closes the car door and walks toward Kevin.

 

Kevin stops and turns around.

 

Fionnuala:

                I just want to chat. That's all.

 

Kevin sighs and rolls his eyes.

 

SCENE: Camp Quigley.

 

A bunch of men wearing camouflage and shooting paint ball guns are in the forest. There is a lot of shouting going on. Bob, Donal, Liam and Brian are standing behind a corrugated metal wall, watching the going-on. Donal looks skeptically at Liam, who smiles back at him. Bob looks quite pleased with himself. Men shoot paint balls, men get hit with paint balls. Brian looks through his binoculars.

 

SCENE: Padraig's kitchen interior.

 

Padraig opens the refrigerator, takes out a plate of cold leftovers, then puts it back in the refrigerator and closes the door. Another door opens and closes somewhere. Kevin walks past the kitchen.

 

Padraig:

                Well?

 

Kevin stops and comes into the kitchen:

                Well what?

 

Padraig:

                Where've you been?

 

Kevin taps the side of his nose with his finger.

 

Padraig:

                Where's me dinner?

 

Kevin:

                In the shop.

 

Padraig:

                I'm hungry.

 

Kevin:

                I'm not.

 

Padraig:

                It's your turn, Kevin.

 

Kevin:

                You're a liar.

 

Padraig whispers:

                What?

 

Kevin shouts:

                Mum says you're a liar. Make your own flipping dinner!

He leaves, slamming the kitchen door behind him.

 

Padraig looks around, troubled and puzzled.

 

SCENE: Camp Quigley.

 

The participants are lined up in camp. They are all wearing camouflage and carrying paint ball guns. Brian walks slowly past them, followed by Donal and Liam.

 

Brian:

                Team A. You have three hours to return to camp, without being caught by Team B. Donal will drive you to a secret location. Team B, you have three hours to intercept them. (he consults his watch) Ladies and gentlemen, it is now nineteen hundred hours precisely. Synchronize watches.

 

Bob looks at his watch. All the men look at their watches. Brian nods at Donal.

 

Donal:

                Oh it's all right. (holds up his wrist to show Brian) Mine's digital.

 

Brian waits a beat, then turns back to the men:

                Good luck. And be careful out there.

 

Bob yells:

                Right! Let's saddle up!

 

The men shout and cheer and get moving.

 

SCENE: Kevin's bedroom interior.

 

Kevin walks across to the window and looks out. Down below, he can see Padraig walking away. Padraig is putting on a jacket. Kevin's window must be on the back of the house, since the view below is a courtyard or a paved garden surrounded by a high stone wall.

 

CUT TO: House exterior.

 

Kevin stands in the window, watching. He steps away from the window.

 

SCENE: Road.

 

Daytime, sunny. A military-type van drives along a deserted road. The van is army green with netting on top, and "CAMP QUIGLEY" painted on the sides and back. The van stops at an intersection.

 

CUT TO: Van interior.

 

Inside the van, a group of men in camouflage with paint ball guns are sitting on benches. They jerk back and forth as the van suddenly stops. The men protest.

 

CUT TO: Driver's cab.

 

Donal is the driver. He reaches into the pocket of his jacket and pulls out a piece of paper, which he unfolds and consults.

 

CUT TO: Van interior.

 

In the van, one of the men looks at his watch.

 

CUT TO: Driver's cab.

 

Donal points his finger at the paper in time to the rhyme:

                Eenie meenie miney...moe.

He crumples up the paper and tosses it onto the seat next to him. He puts the van back into gear and starts up again.

 

CUT TO: Road.

 

The van turns right.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's interior.

 

Brendan is sitting at the bar next to Padraig.

 

Brendan, caringly:

                Talk to her.

 

Padraig, insulted:

                Sure don't be ridiculous!

 

Brendan, calmly:

                Well you have to do something.

 

Padraig, hostilely:

                Well what do you suggest, since you're such an expert.

 

Brendan protests gently:

                I'm only saying.

 

Siobhan enters from the toilets:

                Give us a shanty (?) there Niamh, without the lemonade.

 

Assumpta and Niamh are both behind the bar.

 

Brendan:

                Should you be drinking that?

 

Siobhan sits down next to Brendan, shortly:

                I'll let you know when it's any of your business.

 

Brendan protests:

                Wh-- Maybe it is my business!

He stands.

 

Assumpta warns:

                Guys. This is neither the time nor the place.

 

Niamh pulls a pint.

 

Padraig, whose speech is slightly slurred:

                Yeah the getting is just getting good!

 

Assumpta:

                Oh enough Padraig.

 

Padraig:

                Not nearly enough. Give me a wee laird's chaser for the road.

 

Assumpta looks at Brendan.

 

Niamh, teasingly:

                Taxi for Mr O'Kelly.

 

Brian enters suddenly from outside, looks quickly around:

                Has anyone seen my soldiers?

 

Donal is sitting at the table in the corner.

 

Padraig:

                Hold on hold on hold on hold on. Were they wearing camouflage?

 

Brian walks up to the bar, crisply:

                Yes, why?

 

Padraig:

                Then how in the name of Jaysus are we supposed to see them.

He laughs.

 

Brendan and Siobhan laugh.

 

Brian walks over toward Donal.

 

Liam enters behind Brian, along with the red-headed man and the bearded man and some more, all in camouflage and looking fairly dirty.

 

Liam:

                All right that's it Mr Quigley, the time's up. They must have got lost. Heh heh. Well. Have we won?

 

Niamh puts a pint down in front of Siobhan.

 

Brian:

                I suppose so.

 

Liam and the other men cheer.

 

Padraig:

                Who said that?

He turns around to Brian.

 

Brian:

                Shut up Padraig. You're drunk.

 

Niamh, calmly:

                Dad, please.

 

Assumpta:

                ?? time Padraig, it's well past your bed time.

 

Padraig:

                Oh I'm not leaving while Sergeant Bilko's still here.

 

Brian:

                Careful Padraig. Reality might bite.

 

Niamh, warningly:

                Dad, stop it.

 

Padraig, to Brian:

                Have you got a problem?

 

Brian:

                Look. I have responsibilities. But you wouldn't know anything about that.

 

Padraig:

                Why? What have you to go home to?

 

Brian:

                Go home. While you still have some family left.

 

Padraig jumps up out of his seat. Brendan puts his arm up to stop Padraig.

 

Assumpta shouts:

                Brian, get out! Now!

 

Donal stands up.

 

Brian:

                Liam, Donal. I want your asses out of here pronto.

He leaves.

 

Liam and Donal follow him. The others watch silently until they are gone.

 

Assumpta:

                You are well out of line, Padraig.

 

Padraig, loudly and emphatically:

                I don't give a--

 

Brendan, sharply:

                That's enough, Padraig. (he picks up Padraig's jacket from the back of the chair) I'll take him home.

He puts his arm around Padraig and leads him away.

 

The bearded man and the red-headed man are still sitting at the bar. They watch Padraig and Brendan go.

 

Red-headed man:

                Weird.

 

Bearded man:

                I want to go home.

 

SCENE: Eamonn's bedroom interior.

 

Nighttime. Through the lace curtain, figures are visible sneaking past Eamonn's window. We can hear whispers. Eamonn is lying wide-eyed in bed. He quickly throws the covers back and gets out of bed. He is wearing long underwear.

 

CUT TO: Another room in Eamonn's house.

 

A hunting rifle hangs over the door. Eamonn takes the rifle down. He shuffles across the room.

 

CUT TO: Eamonn's house exterior.

 

The door opens. Eamonn steps outside, holding the rifle.

 

CUT TO: Eamonn's yard.

 

Three dark figures are visible walking through the yard. They are carrying guns.

 

CUT TO: Eamonn.

 

Eamonn exclaims something which I didn't understand. Maybe it's in Irish. It must be a warning, something like "Stop or I'll shoot" because then he raises his rifle and cocks it, taking aim.

 

CUT TO: Yard.

 

The men run.

 

CUT TO: Rifle.

 

Eamonn fires once.

 

CUT TO: Yard.

 

The men run. One of them seems to have been hit in the rear, as he shouts in pain and hops along, one hand to his bum.

 

CUT TO: Eamonn.

 

Eamonn lowers his rifle and watches them leave.

 

SCENE: Egans's kitchen interior.

 

Bob enters, grimacing, followed by Michael Ryan. Brian, Eamonn (fully dressed) and Ambrose (in uniform) are waiting.

 

Bob:

                I've been shot and I want justice.

 

Ambrose:

                OK, now you just leave this in my hands, Mr Clark.

 

Bob glares at Eamonn:

                He's dangerous, you can't let him loose!

 

Ambrose:

                I'll tell you what, I'll arrest him for now and keep him out of harm's way.

 

Eamonn seems quite taken with the idea:

                What? Handcuffs and all?

He holds his hands up, wrists crossed.

 

Ambrose rolls his eyes:

                I don't have handcuffs but I'm arresting you anyway.

 

Michael rubs his hand over his head. He is wearing a dressing gown (robe).

 

Eamonn, stubbornly:

                I'm not going anywhere, without handcuffs.

 

Michael:

                Gentlemen, gentlemen, it's three thirty a.m. and I'd like to return to my bed if I may, and can I suggest you finish this quietly. (he puts his hand on Brian's shoulder) Good morning.

He leaves.

 

Brian:

                Thanks Doc.

He closes the door behind Michael.

 

Ambrose:

                So, why don't we all sit down, sort this out like adults.

 

Bob clears his throat, embarrassed.

 

Ambrose's eyes get wide as he realizes his mistake:

                Oh. Er, (he looks at Bob's rear end) sorry.

 

Bob looks embarrassed.

 

Ambrose:

                Right, let's start from the beginning. Mr Clark. Did you see, clearly, who shot you?

 

Bob looks at Eamonn:

                It was him! I was only walking!

 

Ambrose:

                OK, OK, sh, sh. (turns to Eamonn) Now, Eamonn. Do you deny shooting Mr Clark?

 

Eamonn, emphatically:

                No I do not. He was creeping around my land.

 

Ambrose:

                Sh. Right. Well, to me, it seems like a misunderstanding, yes, a very serious one, but a misunderstanding nevertheless.

 

Bob looks like he's about to protest.

 

Brian:

                Um, Guard Egan, if I may.

He walks over to the side.

 

Ambrose follows him.

 

Brian whispers to Ambrose:

                Look, this was an oversight. Teething troubles.

 

Ambrose whispers back:

                But you didn't even ask permission to use his land.

 

Brian:

                So far it's just a civil matter. If we don't report it it stays that way.

 

Ambrose:

                I won't overlook the law.

 

Brian:

                You won't have to. Leave it with me. Look, I have a lot riding on this, Ambrose. If you pursue it, I could lose it all. Then I'd be back living with you!

 

Ambrose looks sufficiently shocked. Brian nods at him. Ambrose goes back to Bob and Eamonn.

 

SCENE: Padraig's garage exterior.

 

Daytime, sunny. Fionnuala gets out of her car, which is parked in front of the garage. She looks very cheerful. She closes the car door and walks around the front of the car to Padraig.

 

Fionnnuala:

                How's business?

 

Padraig, tiredly:

                If I tell you, will you tell me what you want and then please go?

 

Fionnuala, sarcastically:

                Hah, that's nice, that's really nice.

 

Padraig:

                You have already done your damage, and I'm sure you are delighted with yourself, now would you please leave us in peace.

 

Fionnuala:

                I'm here to see our son.

 

Padraig:

                My son. You left that part of it a long time ago, remember?

 

Fionnuala:

                I can't believe you lied to him.

 

Padraig, slightly taken aback:

                I told him what happened.

 

Fionnuala:

                You lied. You lied to your own son.

 

Padraig:

                Well you left both of us.

 

Fionnuala, choking on the words:

                You threw me out. I had to walk away. You threw me out with your bare hands and don't you ever forget that because I won't.

 

Padraig looks stunned.

 

Kevin approaches. Fionnuala quickly puts on dark glasses. She straightens up and regains her confidence. Kevin walks past them toward Fionnuala's car.

 

Padraig:

                Where the hell do you think you're going?

 

Kevin:

                With Mum.

 

Padraig, slightly panicked:

                You're going nowhere.

 

Fionnuala:

                He'll be back in a few days.

 

Padraig looks from Fionnuala to Kevin:

                What about school?

 

Kevin, flippantly:

                Say I'm sick.

He gets into the car. The door closes.

 

Fionnuala:

                You left me first. (she touches her hand to her head) In here.

She hurries around to the driver's side of the car and gets in.

 

Padraig watches her, open-mouthed. He turns back to the car engine he was working on. Fionnuala's car starts and drives away. Padraig leans down and slides himself under the car he was working on. He turns his toolbox over in a fit of aggression.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's interior.

 

Eamonn enters, carrying a lamb.

 

Eamonn:

                Gotcha.

 

The lamb bleats.

 

Siobhan, sitting at the bar, turns around. She sees the lamb and gets a little panicked:

                Stay back Eamonnn. (she stands up and backs away) Keep that thing away from me.

 

Eamonn, plaintively:         

                She's sick.

He walks toward Siobhan.

 

The lamb bleats.

 

Siobhan takes cover behind Brendan, who is also sitting at the bar. Assumpta watches anxiously from behind the bar.

 

Eamonn:

                I just want you to fix her for me.

 

Brendan:

                Put the lamb down Eamonn. Can't you see you're scaring the lady.

 

Assumpta:

                Look, if that thing makes a mess on my floor--

 

Eamonn:

                She's not well. (the lamb bleats) Look at her.

 

Assumpta:

                Well then take her to Rolf Harris!

 

Siobhan:

                Get another vet!

 

Eamonn:

                You know I'd never let another soul lay a finger on her.

 

The lamb fidgets, bleats, and tries to jump down.

 

Siobhan:

                But I can't do sheep anymore.

 

Eamonn:

                Why not?

 

Siobhan, nervously looking at Assumpta:

                I've an allergy.

 

Assumpta, skeptically:

                To sheep?

 

Siobhan:

                All right. Because it's dangerous for the child.

 

Eamonn looks around at the floor:

                What child?

 

Siobhan:

                We're going to have a baby.

 

Eamonn looks shocked.

 

Siobhan:

                Me and him.

She nods at Brendan.

 

Eamonn looks shocked. He looks at Brendan. He looks at Assumpta.

 

Assumpta, smoothly:

                Well congratulations you guys, I'm...delighted for you.

 

Brendan, stoically:

                Thanks Assumpta.

 

Eamonn, to Siobhan, disbelievingly:

                You...and him?

 

Assumpta:

                Good bye, Eamonn.

 

Eamonn:

                But they're not marri--

 

Assumpta:

                Eamonn! If you don't go now, I'm going to barbecue that.

She points at the lamb.

 

The lamb bleats.

 

Eamonn turns and shuffles out, murmuring:

                What is the world coming to.

 

Niamh is just entering from outside as Eamonn is leaving. She leans over and coos:

                Lookit, a cute little lamb. (she pets the lamb, then looks at her hand) Ew.

 

Eamonn leaves. Niamh walks over to the bar.

 

Assumpta:

                Niamh, you'll never guess what. Siobhan and Brendan are going to have a baby.

 

Niamh takes off her coat, absentmindedly:

                I know.

 

Assumpta gives her a look.

 

Niamh:

                Oh. Congratulations. (it dawns on her) Brendan! What a lovely surprise.

 

Brendan, frowning:

                Thanks Niamh.

He looks at Siobhan, still frowning.

 

Siobhan avoids looking at Brendan.

 

Niamh, eagerly:

                Let's celebrate. (she sits down on a bar stool) Give me a dirty big golden pint, Assumpta.

 

Assumpta:

                Do I detect a change in Mum's diet?

 

Niamh:

                Damn right. Kieran's asleep after drinking two full bottles.

 

Siobhan:

                Well done Niamh, that's great.

 

Niamh:

                And I'll have a double gin while I'm waiting. No time for the ice and lemon.

 

Assumpta looks incredulous.

 

Siobhan:

                Do you know, I might join you in a moment.

 

Brendan:

                Do you think that's a good idea?

 

Siobhan:

                Right, that's it. You. Outside. Now.

She points over her shoulder and gets up from her stool.

 

Brendan:

                What?

 

Siobhan:

                Now.

She goes outside.

 

Brendan shouts:

                But I only--

He looks at Assumpta.

 

Assumpta raises her hands and looks amused. Brendan slams down his newspaper and gets up and goes outside.

 

SCENE: Bridge.

 

Daytime, sunny. Siobhan is walking from Fitzgerald's across the bridge.

 

Brendan runs after Siobhan, shouts:

                Siobhan!

 

Siobhan:

                Look what is your problem!

 

Brendan:

                I'm just showing my concern.

 

Siobhan:

                If you're so concerned for me will you stay off my back!

 

Brendan:

                It's my baby too, you know.

 

Siobhan:

                Well you may be his father, but you are not my husband.

 

Brendan:

                Huh, there by the grace of God...His?

 

Siobhan:

                His what?

 

They both stop walking.

 

Brendan:

                You said his.

 

Siobhan:

                Did I?

 

Brendan:

                Do you know?

 

Siobhan, nervously:

                I'm...only guessing.

 

Brendan:

                I'm going to have a son.

 

Siobhan:

                No! I'm going to have a son.

She glares at Brendan and walks away.

 

Her jeep was parked in the middle of the bridge, facing out of town on the left side of the road. She opens the driver's door and gets in.

 

Brendan shouts:

                Siobhan! (he looks out at the river and murmurs to himself) I'm gonna have a son.

He looks pleased and proud.

 

Siobhan starts her jeep and drives away. Brendan walks back toward the pub.

 

SCENE: Padraig's living room interior.

 

Padraig is sitting in an armchair, watching TV. And LCD display underneath the screen says "32". Padraig picks up a glass and drinks from it. He looks despondent.

 

SCENE: School exterior.

 

Daytime, sunny. Brendan is walking his bike away from school. His briefcase is strapped to the back. Some kids are running off away from the school up the street. Fr Mac's car is parked at the entrance to the school yard. Fr Mac gets out of the car.

 

Brendan:

                How are you Father.

 

Fr Mac closes the car door:

                Fine Brendan. Fine. It's you I'm more worried about.

 

Brendan stops next to the car:

                There's nothing wrong with me Father.

 

Fr Mac:

                That's not what I've heard.

 

Brendan:

                You shouldn't listen to rumour Father.

 

Fr Mac:

                Well gossip is a dangerous thing Brendan, if enough people hear the same piece of gossip and choose to believe it's true then it might as well be.

 

Brendan:

                And?

 

Fr Mac:

                And if it's a dangerous piece of gossip, then the damage is already done, whether it's true or not, if you follow my meaning.

 

Brendan:

                And what if I don't?

 

Fr Mac:

                School teaching...is a crucial building block for our society.

 

Brendan:

                That is why I do it Father.

 

Fr Mac:

                And I hope you can continue to.

 

Brendan:

                I can't see why I wouldn't.

 

Fr Mac:

                We need people...who are good role models.

 

Brendan looks steamed.

 

Fr Mac:

                Who teach by example.

 

Brendan:

                The way you do.

 

Fr Mac:

                You're not really in a position to be facetious now Brendan, are you. You would be very wise to consider your future here, rumour or no rumour.

 

Brendan:

                Thank you for your advice, Father, but I won't be needing it if you don't mind. I have thought about it. I think about it every morning before I go to school. I think very carefully about it. My job is to think. I teach children to think. And if you think you can invade my privacy, and hand out thousand year old wisdom, and expect me to take it lying down, you had better think again.

 

Fr Mac, through narrowed lips:

                You're on very thin ice, Mr Kearney.

 

Brendan:

                Maybe that's the way I like it, Mr McAnally. I don't actually give a damn what you think about me, because if you haven't noticed, we have a teachers' union. And all of a sudden I'm looking forward to the next committee meeting.

 

Fr Mac:

                Are you threatening me?

 

Brendan:

                You know Father, I think I am.

 

Fr Mac:

                No doubt we'll talk of this again.

He turns away.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's interior.

 

The door from outside opens. Bob enters, dressed in a dark blazer and a yellow shirt, with a yellow handkerchief in the blazer pocket. He closes the door behind him and steps gingerly up to the bar. Niamh is sitting at the bar, Assumpta is behind it. Niamh slides over one seat as Bob steps up to the bar.

 

Bob:

                Give us a pint there honey.

 

Assumpta, sympathetically:

                Sorry to hear about the other night there, Bob. Must be a real bummer.

 

Brendan, from the end of the bar:

                Oh yeah, how's the uh--

 

Bob turns quickly to Brendan, smiles:

                On the mend, thank you, it was only a flesh wound.

 

Assumpta:

                And only inches away from the brain.

 

Bob chuckles, looks from Brendan to Assumpta, then seriously, to Assumpta:

                I'll have the last laugh.

 

Brendan:

                Hope it's a big one.

 

Bob:

                It will be. I'm staying out at Brian's now.

 

Assumpta:

                Oh? So how are things out at Southfork.

She pulls a pint.

 

Bob:

                Well, it's a lot more comfortable. But it's only a temporary solution.

 

Assumpta, curiously:

                You're not staying long then?

 

Bob:

                Well I've been looking at some of the choice property nearby. (looks around at Niamh and Brendan) It's dirt cheap around here you know. (back to Assumpta, suggestively) I'd be a fool to resist it.

 

Assumpta gives him a skeptical look.

 

Bob:

                And now that Brian and I are equal partners...Ballykissangel is my oyster.

 

Assumpta is struck dumb.

 

SCENE: Padraig's garage.

 

Daytime, cloudy. Fionnuala's car pulls up to the garage. Padraig is outside, working on a car. Fionnuala stops the car next to Padraig and gets out. Kevin gets out also and walks directly away. Fionnuala is all smiles.

 

Padraig:

                Hi Kevin.

 

Kevin:

                Hi.

He walks toward the house.

 

Fionnuala closes the car door:

                We had good fun.

She leans back against the car.

 

Padraig:

                Yeah money can do that sometimes.

 

Fionnuala rolls her eyes:

                I give up.

She goes to get back into the car.

 

Padraig:

                That's your cover, you never had any staying power in you.

 

Fionnuala stops and turns back to Padraig:

                Oh really. Well you'll find out about it soon enough. You lied to him. And he's angry. But not nearly as much as I am. I'm going back home to London next week. And he's coming with me.

 

Padraig:

                Don't even think it.

 

Fionnuala:

                I've more than thought about it. It's happening. I'm well within my rights. And who'd know better than me. And you know something else? He wants to come.

 

Padraig looks stunned. Kevin rides slowly up on his bike.

 

Fionnuala:

                See you tomorrow Kevin OK?

 

Kevin keeps riding and does not answer.

 

Fionnuala, louder:

                OK?

 

Kevin stops, pulls the earplug of his walkman out of his ear. We can hear loud music playing through it.

 

Kevin:

                OK.

He replaces the ear plug.

 

Fionnuala turns back to Padraig with a very smug look on her face:

                Get used to it Padraig.

She gets into the car.

 

Padraig stands there with his mouth hanging open. Fionnuala starts up her car.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's interior.

 

Bob, Siobhan and Brendan are sitting at the end of the bar. Niamh and Assumpta are standing behind the bar, listening to them.

 

Bob:

                I'm waiting for my offer to be accepted. But they usually are.

 

Brendan:

                I don't doubt it.

 

Bob:

                It's all happening now.

 

Assumpta:

                I hadn't noticed.

 

Bob:

                Me and Brian, this is only the tip of the iceberg, the thin end of the wedge.

 

Brendan:

                The beginning of the end.

 

Bob:

                We're doubling numbers for the next two weeks, and if that goes well, we'll double again. We're expanding big time.

 

Assumpta:

                Oh well, I noticed that.

 

Bob:

                People like me. Coming from all over the country, for their outdoor pursuits. I'll put this place on the map for you.

Pleased with himself, he finishes off the rest of his stout.

 

Everyone is silent. Assumpta takes a sip of her tea. Bob smacks his lips and sets down his empty glass.

 

Bob:

                Stick it on the bill darling.

He walks out.

 

Niamh smiles to herself. Assumpta stares at Bob.

 

Siobhan watches Bob leave, over her shoulder:

                People like him...

 

Brendan watches Bob leave, over his shoulder:

                I've had enough.

 

Assumpta:

                Me too.

 

Siobhan:

                Me three.

 

Niamh:

                So what are you going to do about it?

 

Brendan:

                Well I won't be drinking here any more if I have to listen to any more of that.

 

Assumpta:

                Oh come on, Brendan.

 

Siobhan:

                Well we could shoot him again.

 

Brendan:

                Tempting.

 

Assumpta, to Niamh:

                Well I thought you were a partner in the family business.

 

Niamh:

                Dad's on his own on this one.

 

Brendan:

                Hold on. Your man's running around like Gregory Peck, playing in The Guns of Navarone, right?

 

Siobhan:

                Right.

 

Brendan:

                So why doesn't the local resistance movement team up and give them a run for their money.

 

Siobhan:

                Include me in.

 

Niamh smiles.

 

Brendan:

                All for one and one for all. Here's to the BLO.

He raises his glass of stout.

 

Assumpta:

                What?

 

Brendan:

                The Ballykissangel Liberation Organisation.

He puts down his stout and shakes Siobhan's hand.

 

Siobhan chuckles gleefully.

 

SCENE: Camp Quigley.

 

Daytime, sunny. Brian closes the door of a jeep and walks briskly around in front of his gathered troops.

 

Brian:

                Now if I could have your attention, ladies and gentlemen. Tonight we are going to put into action--

 

Bob:

                Ah, it's OK, Brian. I've already done it.

 

Brian:

                Done what?

 

Bob:

                I've told them all about it. This weekend's mine.

 

Brian:

                I give the orders round here.

 

Bob:

                After last week's shambles, I think it's best if we share them. You have to admit, you've let the operation get a little flabby.

 

Brian looks around, incensed:

                A little wh--

 

Bob holds up a finger:

                Watch this. (turns to the troops, straightens up, takes a deep breath and yells) Atte-en-shun!

 

The troops straighten up, set their guns at their sides, stamp their feet once and reply in unison:

                Yes sir!

 

Bob, smugly, to Brian:

                Take the night off. Give me a go. (twirls his gun around his hand) It's my turn anyway. (to the troops) Right! Let's jump to it! (takes off with a high-kneed trot) One two one two one two one two one two one two one two one two I wanna live a life of danger!

 

The troops follow him, also at a trot, and reply in unison:

                I wanna be a paint ball ranger!

 

Bob:

                I don't know why the hell we're here!

 

Troops:

                ??

They get into the waiting van.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's interior.

 

Assumpta is pulling a pint:

                Where does Donal take those eejits anyway?

She carries the pint down the bar to Brendan.

 

Niamh is filling a whiskey glass:

                He said Dad only tells him at the last minute.

 

Siobhan:

                How the hell are we supposed to sabotage them if we don't know where they're going.

 

Brendan:

                Well, don't blame me.

 

Brian enters from outside, dressed in camouflage.

 

Brian:

                Going to a funeral?

 

Siobhan and Brendan are both dressed entirely in black. They look at each other and smile.

 

Siobhan, to Brian, mysteriously:

                Possibly.

 

Niamh:

                Should you not be out in the battlefield Dad?

 

Brian removes his hat:

                Not tonight. My partner's turn.

 

Assumpta:

                Ah well. Good general always leads from the rear.

 

Brendan:

                Tell me Brian. Where is tonight's invasion.

 

Brian loosens his neckerchief:

                Nowhere near Eamonn's anyway.

 

There is a baby monitor on the bar top. It lights up. We can hear Kieran crying through it.

 

Brian:

                I'll go Niamh. Leave it to the master.

He leaves.

 

Niamh looks at Brendan and Siobhan with a sly smile. They smile back.

 

CUT TO: Bedroom interior.

 

Kieran is lying in a removable buggy basket on a big bed. Brian picks him up and snuggles him.

 

Brian:

                Never fear. Granddad Brian is here. (kisses Kieran) And everything's gonna be just fine. (sits down on the edge of the bed, cuddling the baby) You're a very lucky fella d'ya know that? You've got a beautiful Mommy who loves ya. You've got a great big strong Daddy who loves ya. But most of all, you have got a Granddad who thinks that you are the greatest thing in the whole wide world. Oohh, yes.

 

CUT TO: Pub.

 

The baby monitor is on. Assumpta and Niamh have heard everything. Niamh looks teary. She reaches over to turn off the monitor. An electronic clicking and beep sounds. Brendan stops her.

 

Brian, over the monitor:

                Hello, hello, Bob?

 

CUT TO: Bedroom.

 

Brian is talking into a walkie-talkie:

                Right. Now listen carefully.

 

CUT TO: Camp Quigley.

 

Bob is leaning on the hood of the military van, talking into a walkie-talkie. Donal is taking notes. The troops are standing around in the dust.

 

Brian, over the walkie-talkie:

                Go out past the bus stop.

 

CUT TO: Pub.

 

Everyone is listening to the baby monitor.

 

Brian, over the baby monitor:

                At the second crossroads, go right. Follow this for about a half a mile, till you come to the new bungalows near the dump.

 

Brendan is holding a map in his hand.

 

CUT TO: Camp Quigley.

 

Bob:

                Right, I got it. Received and on the stir (??). Over and out! (hands the walkie-talkie to Donal and addresses the troops) Atte-en-shun!

 

The troops jump to attention and reply in unison:

                Yes sir!

 

Bob yells:

                I don't know but I been told!

 

Troops respond in unison:

                ?? hands are always cold!

 

A motor revs.

 

SCENE: Padraig's kitchen interior.

 

Kevin opens the door leading onto the back garden. Brendan is standing there.

 

Brendan:

                How are you Kevin.

He enters.

 

Kevin:

                Fine.

He closes the door.

 

Brendan:

                What's new.

He walks through the kitchen into the living room.

 

Kevin:

                Nothing.

He follows Brendan.

 

Brendan:

                You missed your English test.

 

Kevin walks past Brendan without looking at him:

                I was sick.

 

Brendan admonishes:

                Kevin...

He follows Kevin out into the hall.

 

Kevin stops and puts his hands into his pockets.

 

CUT TO: Hall.

 

Brendan, gently:

                What's going on?

 

Kevin:

                Ask him yourself.

He turns and goes up the stairs.

 

Brendan turns and walks down the hall.

 

CUT TO: Lounge.

 

Padraig is sitting in the armchair with a drink in his hand. The door opens and Brendan enters. He closes the door and leans one hand on the mantel.

 

Brendan:

                What are you doing to yourself?

 

Padraig, dryly:

                I don't know where to begin.

 

Brendan:

                Is this about Fionnuala?

 

Padraig:

                Go away.

 

Brendan:

                Look we're plucking some major espionage. Come on with us for the crack.

 

Padraig sighs:

                I can't leave him on his own tonight.

 

Brendan:

                You don't have to! Come on, do both of youse a favour.

 

Padraig:

                I'm not up to it.

 

Brendan:

                We can't do it without you.

 

Padraig, annoyed:

                Look, leave me alone.

 

Brendan walks closer:

                Look. Are you gonna turn down the finest opportunity to get right up Brian Quigley's nose?

 

Padraig raises his eyes slowly.

 

SCENE: Farm.

 

Daytime, sunny. Siobhan's jeep drives onto the farm. Brendan and Siobhan get out, look quickly around, and walk over to the barn. Brendan slides the barn door open.

 

CUT TO: Barn interior.

 

Siobhan and Brendan enter.

 

Siobhan:

                It's not an illness you know.

 

Brendan:

                I know it isn't. It's just that I don't think you should be doing this. Not in your condition.

 

Siobhan sits down on a bale of hay. Brendan sits down on another bale near her.

 

Siobhan:

                If you say your condition one more time, I will give you a very nasty wound, and I'm a vet, I know the nastiest.

 

Brendan:

                I'm worried.

 

Siobhan:

                What about?

 

Brendan:

                You and him. And me.

 

Siobhan:

                Look I told you before. Everything's normal. Everything's been checked out.

 

SCENE: Road.

 

Dusk. The military van from Camp Quigley is driving along a road.

 

CUT TO: Driver's cab.

 

Donal is driving the van.

 

CUT TO: Road.

 

There is a box blocking the road.

 

CUT TO: Van interior.

 

The troops get jostled about as the van stops suddenly. They complain loudly.

 

CUT TO: Driver's cab.

 

Donal pulls the parking brake.

 

CUT TO: Road.

 

Donal gets out of the van. There is a large cardboard box in the middle of the road. It says "DELTA PALLETISED CONTAINER INT. DIMS: 1183X783X672". Donal walks up to the box and opens it. We cannot see what is in it. He closes it again and walks around to the other side of the box. A car door closes. Donal looks back at the van. The van drives toward him. Padraig is driving the van, with Kevin in the passenger seat. Donal jumps out of the way and lands in the grass at the side of the road. The van drives away.

 

SCENE: Barn interior.

 

Siobhan sits down on the bale right next to Brendan. She hands him the sonogram picture.

 

Brendan, awestruck:

                You can see his fingers.

He smiles a little.

 

Siobhan:

                All present and correct.

 

They look tenderly at each other. Then they hear a vehicle approaching.

 

CUT TO: Yard.

 

The military van drives into the yard. Then it backs up into the barn.

 

CUT TO: Barn.

 

Padraig leans out the open driver's window and bangs on the side of the van:

                OK, hang and bang, everybody out!

 

The rear door of the van opens and the troops pile out.

 

CUT TO: Driver's cab.

 

Padraig and Kevin nod at each other.

 

CUT TO: Barn.

 

Bob closes the rear door of the van and the van drives away. The big sliding barn door closes. Bob looks like "HUH?"

 

CUT TO: Barn exterior.

 

Siobhan and Brendan are closing the door. Brendan sets the lock with his foot.

 

CUT TO: Barn interior.

 

Bob runs over to the sliding door and tries to open it, but can't.

 

CUT TO: Barn exterior.

 

Siobhan and Brendan walk away laughing, their arms around each other.

 

CUT TO: Barn interior.

 

Bob looks around. A cow moos. The troops turn around and look at a wild-eyed cow. Bob swallows.

 

SCENE: Military van driver's cab interior.

 

Padraig is driving the van. It is still daytime and sunny. Kevin is next to him in the passenger's seat.

 

Padraig:

                I don't want you to go, Kevin.

 

Kevin:

                Mom wants me to.

 

Padraig:

                You won't like it over there.

 

Kevin:

                How do you know?

 

Padraig:

                You won't be able to mess around like you can here.

 

Kevin:

                I'll get new friends.

 

Padraig:

                Yeah but we're mates aren't we? We can have a laugh.

 

Kevin:

                Not when you're always in the pub.

 

Padraig looks sideways at Kevin, then raises his eyebrows in acknowledgement.

 

CUT TO: Road.

 

The van drives away.

 

SCENE: Garda station interior.

 

Bob is holding a rag to his forehead, complains:

                Well it wasn't my fault.

 

Ambrose, in uniform, is sitting at his desk. Brian is standing next to the desk.

 

Ambrose:

                But you admit smashing down that barn door and letting that animal into the barley.

 

Bob, incredulous:

                That bull coulda killed me.

 

Ambrose looks at Brian, then back at Bob:

                It was a cow and it caused significant damage.

 

Bob, upset:

                Those farmers attacked me! Look!

He pulls the rag away from his face. His left eye is cut and swollen shut.

 

Ambrose:

                The way I see it is, that between the two of you, you're gonna have to do something fast, before someone else gets hurt.

 

Bob:

                Well I'm not taking the rap for this. If they sue me, I'll sue him. (points at Brian)

 

Brian:

                I thought we were supposed to be partners.

 

Bob:

                Where?

 

Brian:

                I have it on paper that we still are.

 

Bob:

                Hah! Dad's solicitors could take that apart in seconds.

 

Brian:

                I see. (turns to Ambrose) Well I have a suggestion, if I may, Ambrose.

 

Ambrose is all ears.

 

Brian turns to Bob:

                I'll do a simple deal with you. I'll split the costs fifty-fifty.

 

Bob:

                In exchange for?

 

Brian:

                In exchange for you clearing off out of here and never coming near this town again, ever.

 

Bob flinches slightly.

 

Brian:

                Unless that is, you want your Daddy and his solicitors to hear about last night's shenanigans.

 

Bob looks at Ambrose.

 

Ambrose:

                Sounds like a bargain to me.

 

Bob looks at Brian:

                Done.

 

Brian:

                And you can take the dirty dozen with ya.

 

Bob turns and leaves. Ambrose smiles.

 

SCENE: Padraig's house interior.

 

Fionnuala and Padraig are walking quickly down a corridor. They both look grim.

 

Fionnuala demands:

                Where is he?

 

Padraig growls:

                Don't do this.

 

They enter the kitchen together. Kevin is sitting at the table. Fionnuala walks up behind him and puts her hand on his back.

 

Fionnuala:

                Are you ready Kevin?

 

Kevin:

                Erm...nearly.

 

Padraig:

                Sit down, Fionnuala.

 

Fionnuala:

                I'm not sitting.

 

Padraig:

                You can't do this, it's not right.

 

Fionnuala does not respond. She stands primly behind Kevin, her back to Padraig.

 

Padraig:

                Look, let's talk about it at least.

 

Fionnuala waits a few seconds, then slowly sits down.

 

Fionnuala, gently:

                Kevin, you know I want you to come and live with me in London.

 

Kevin looks at Fionnuala, nods, looks down.

 

Fionnuala:

                Tell your father what you said to me yesterday.

 

Kevin looks at Padraig, back at Fionnuala, back down, and shrugs.

 

Kevin, embarrassed:

                Dunno.

 

Fionnuala, quietly:

                You said you wanted to come with me. Remember?

 

Padraig, through his teeth:

                You have no right--

 

Fionnuala looks away, quietly:

                I have every right, I have every legal right in the book, so don't try and stand in my way.

 

Padraig:

                I am glad that your legal training has paid off here. Is this how you make your living, destroying other people's happiness?

 

Fionnuala shoves the chair back and jumps up, shouts:

                You're not happy! Don't try and tell me that you're happy!

 

Padraig:

                You know nothing about how I feel.

 

Fionnuala:

                He's not a son to you, you treat him like just another friend.

 

Padraig growls:

                That is my way.

 

Fionnuala, passionately:

                And this is my way, he's coming with me.

 

Padraig:

                You've ruined our lives before, you're not going to do it again!

 

Kevin stands and shouts:

                Shut up! (more calmly) Shut up both of you OK?

He has tears on his cheeks.

 

Fionnuala looks stricken.

 

Kevin:

                Dad, did you lie to me?

 

Padraig shakes his head:

                No.

 

Fionnuala, incredulously:

                Tell him, Padraig.

 

Kevin:

                Did you lie?

 

Padraig shakes his head slightly, glances at Fionnuala, then back at Kevin.

 

Fionnuala pleads:

                Tell him.

 

Padraig shakes his head:

                No.

 

Kevin stares at Padraig.

 

Padraig sighs, looks down:

                Yes. (clears his throat) I lied. I'm sorry son, but I--

 

Fionnuala has tears running down her cheeks.

 

Padraig:

                I shut her out it was my fault.

 

Kevin:

                Why?

 

Padraig:

                I wanted you to have...brothers and sisters, and your mother wanted her own life.

 

Kevin, to Fionnuala:

                You should have stayed.

 

Fionnuala sobs:

                Oh Kevin. I couldn't stay. Everybody blamed me. Even your Gran. No one would talk to me. (she sniffs and wipes the tears away from her face with both hands) I had to go.

 

Kevin:

                What about me?

 

Fionnuala:

                I wanted to take you with me. The both of you. Your father didn't want to.

 

Kevin shakes his head at Padraig:

                Why not?

 

Padraig:

                This is home.

 

Fionnuala sobs:

                I'm sorry Kevin. (she covers her face with both hands briefly, regains her composure) But this is best for you now. (she reaches over to the table and picks up her keys) Come on. Let's go.

She walks toward the door.

 

Kevin, indecisively:

                I don't know.

 

Padraig:

                You choose, Kevin.

 

Fionnuala:

                He's too young, Padraig.

 

Padraig:

                He's old enough to know what he wants.

 

Fionnuala pleads:

                He's only a child.

 

Padraig:

                Not anymore he's not. Decide for yourself, Kevin. I've messed it up too often before. I want what you want.

 

Kevin looks at Padraig several times, then walks over to Fionnuala. She embraces him, crying with relief and joy. Padraig turns away, tears in his eyes. Kevin steps back and goes over to Padraig.

 

Kevin:

                Sorry Mum.

 

Fionnuala, crying, steps over and hugs both Padraig and Kevin. They hug her back.

 

SCENE: Padraig's garage exterior.

 

Daytime, sunny. Padraig, Kevin and Fionnuala are strolling over to Fionnuala's car. Fionnuala has her arm around Kevin.

 

Fionnuala, fondly:

                Will you come and see me during your holidays?

 

Kevin, to Padraig:

                Can I?

 

Padraig, generously:

                Of course you can.

 

Fionnuala:

                Both of you? I'd like that.

 

Padraig:

                I promise.

 

Fionnuala hugs Kevin and sighs deeply. She tousles his hair.

 

Fionnuala:

                I'll miss you.

She kisses him on the forehead and goes to her car.

 

Padraig walks over to the driver's side of the car.

 

Padraig:

                Erm...(he puts his hands on hers) Good luck, with the wedding. Sure you don't want me to give you away?

 

Fionnuala laughs a little, then starts crying again. She leans her forehead against his.

 

Fionnuala:

                Be happy, Padraig.

 

Padraig wipes a tear off Fionnuala's cheek with his thumb.

 

Padraig:

                You too.

 

Fionnuala gets into her car and closes the door. Padraig walks around the car to stand by Kevin. Fionnuala starts up the car and drives away. Padraig puts his arm around Kevin's shoulder. They walk back to the house together.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's interior.

 

Siobhan and Brendan are standing at the bar. Siobhan is looking dressed up, with a blue-and-white checked jacket over a white blouse. Assumpta is behind the bar.

 

Brendan:

                Is that a new outfit?

 

Siobhan:

                No.

 

Brendan looks again:

                Oh. It's nice.

 

Kevin and Padraig enter from outside.

 

Assumpta:

                Ah. Welcome back, lads.

 

Kevin sits down at the bar.

 

Padraig:

                Two fizzy oranges for two battle weary warriors.

He pats Kevin on the back and tosses a newspaper onto the bar top.

 

Siobhan:

                Well done last night lads. We couldn't have done it without you.

 

Brendan tosses his newspaper down in the bar top and puts his arm around Kevin's shoulders.

 

Brendan:

                Well done, Kevin. Here's to the B.L.O.

He holds up a half-finished glass of stout.

 

Brian enters from outside and walks up to the bar.

 

Brian:

                What?

 

Padraig takes a seat next to Kevin:

                The B.L.O.

 

Ambrose enters behind Brian, carrying Kieran.

 

Kevin:

                It's a...rock band.

 

Brian:

                Oh great.

 

Brendan:

                Sorry to hear about your last stand, Custer.

He walks back over to stand next to Siobhan.

 

Niamh stands next to Ambrose at the bar.

 

Brian:

                Oh nothing to be sorry about, I'm celebrating.

 

Assumpta:

                Celebrating what?

 

Brian:

                A successful ambush.

 

Brendan:

                What ambush?

 

Brian:

                One that got me out of a very nasty corner, and that Omaudon (??) out of me hair for good.

 

Assumpta sets a whiskey on the bar in front of Brian.

 

Niamh:

                You're not put out about it then.

 

Brian:

                Silver linings are always there when you need them. (takes some money out of his pocket) If I knew who it was, I'd buy him a drink.

 

Michael enters from outside.

 

Assumpta:

                Hey Doc. Any more war wounds?

 

Michael:

                Oh no, thank goodness. (stands behind Kevin and Padraig at the bar)

 

Assumpta:

                Your usual?

 

Michael:

                Please. I got a call from Peter.

 

Brendan:

                Any news?

 

Michael:

                He's coming back in a couple of weeks.

 

Niamh:

                Ah good.

 

Assumpta, in passing:

                Fantastic. (stops suddenly, turns to Michael, with a look of dread) Oh no.

 

Michael:

                I'm afraid so, his Mum died yesterday.

 

Niamh:

                Poor thing.

 

Brendan:

                If you've got it.

 

Brian:

                We should send him some flowers.

 

Assumpta, concerned:

                Well how's he taking it?

 

Michael:

                Well he's...keeping busy with odds and ends. He says he's looking forward to coming home.

 

Assumpta raises her eyebrows:

                Oh? Here?

 

Siobhan:

                Look this is his home now right enough.

 

Brendan:

                An Englishman's home is his favorite Irish pub.

 

Michael:

                I told him you were back Assumpta. Here's his number, give him a call.

He lays a piece of paper on the bar in front of Assumpta.

 

Assumpta:

                Thanks.

She hands a glass of beer to Niamh.

 

Brian:

                To Peter's Mum.

 

Brendan raises his stout:

                To all Mums.

 

Kevin raises his orange fizzy and smiles at Padraig. Padraig nods back. Everyone drinks.

 

ROLL CREDITS