Ballykissangel Episode 1.6

"Missing You Already"

Written by Kieran Prendiville

Directed by Paul Harrison

Produced by Joy Lale

 

Transcribed by Margaret Pattison

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's interior.

Four pots and a bucket are set up on the floor behind the bar. They are all nearly full of water, and more is dripping into them from the ceiling above. Assumpta is removing pictures from the wall so that they don't get wet. She is soaking wet. She is wearing blue jeans, a white T-shirt and a blue button-down shirt that is halfway open.

 

Niamh shouts (voice off-screen): He's on his way!

 

Assumpta: On his way? On his way from where?

She puts the pictures down on the bar top.

 

Niamh comes over from the hotel side. She is wearing a red polo shirt and blue jeans: On his way from home.

 

Assumpta: Where's home?

 

Niamh: How do I know? It just says plumber.

She grabs a bowl and a pot from the bar top and holds them up to catch the drips.

 

SCENE: BallyK street. Sunny.

Fr Mac and Peter are walking together down toward Fitzgerald's from the church. Both are wearing priest uniform.

 

Fr Mac, earnestly: It doesn't mean that you haven't made an impact.

 

Peter, seething: Obviously.

 

Fr Mac: You know what I mean.

 

Peter: Father, "thanks for dropping in, now goodbye," speaks for itself.

 

Fr Mac: Nobody's saying that, it's not your fault that they need more men in the trenches back there.

 

Man passing by: Morning Father.

 

Peter nods: Morning Jim. (To Fr Mac) Yeah but why me? I've only just got here.

 

Fr Mac: Because that's where you came from.

 

Peter sighs.

 

Fr Mac: And the feeling is that whatever problems you had, you should be over.

 

Peter looks discouraged. He greets another man passing by.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's.

Niamh's bowl and pot, which she is holding up at arm's length, are full of water. She gasps and spills water on Assumpta, who is vainly attempting to mop the floor.

 

Assumpta: ?? We need a bucket! And even a bucket of bins! (??)

 

Niamh screeches: All right! All right!

She hands the bowl and pot to Assumpta and goes to the other end of the bar.

 

Assumpta looks up at the ceiling and growls.

 

SCENE: Street.

There is a hand-painted banner draped across the street, reading "Cead Mile Failte". Two men cross the street in front of Peter and Fr Mac, carrying a big piece of wood and some blue machine.

 

Peter: Is there nothing that I can do? Is this definite?

 

Fr Mac: It's not my decision, Father. I thought you'd be pleased to go home.

 

Peter: I like it here.

 

Two men cross the street behind Peter and Fr Mac, pick up a metal frame that was leaning against the wall of a building, and carry it back across the street.

 

Fr Mac: And what about the people of Ballykay? How do they feel?

 

Peter: I don't know.

 

A man climbs a ladder which is leaning against Fitzgerald's.

 

Fr Mac: Would they fight to keep you here? They care for you that much?

 

The man on the ladder mumbles a greeting as the priests pass him. Fr Mac stops and walks back to him. Peter watches him.

 

Fr Mac: Oh Tony--

 

Assumpta steps out of Fitzgerald's with a bucket of water and throws it all over Peter. She looks embarrassed. She mouths "Sorry" and hops back inside. Peter looks around questioningly.

 

ROLL TITLES

 

SCENE: Country road. Cloudy.

Liam and Donal are securing a wooden crate onto the back of the blue truck. Brian is peering into a small square hole cut in the side of the crate. Something inside the crate bleats. Brian pats the crate twice. Brian is wearing a blue checked shirt, blue jeans with the cuffs turned up, and a straw hat.

 

Brian: Right!

He walks around the back of the truck.

 

Liam: Mr Quigley...

He points behind Brian.

 

Brian turns around. Eamonn is walking toward them, carrying one of his wooden sheep.

 

Brian: Eamonn, no!

 

Eamonn: But Mr Quigley--

 

Brian: I do not need a wooden sheep, I have a real one.

 

Eamonn, earnestly: What about him?

 

Brian: What about him?

 

Eamonn: He needs one!

 

Brian: What?

 

Eamonn: He's grown attached to her.

 

Brian: Well, he'll have to wait till she comes back. This is a festival, not a fertility rite.

He quickly walks away to his car, which is parked nearby.

 

Liam and Donal jump down off the back of the truck. Eamonn stands there holding the wooden sheep.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's interior.

Assumpta is standing on a stepladder, tacking a plastic sheet to the ceiling. She is wearing a blue plaid shirt now, untucked.

 

Siobhan: Well of course it's cruel.

 

CUT TO: Bar.

Padraig, Siobhan, and Brendan are sitting at the corner of the bar. Padraig is wearing a gray T-shirt and sunglasses. Siobhan is wearing a white T-shirt and a brown vest. Brendan is wearing a brown plaid shirt, open at the collar. He is holding a book in one hand and a nearly empty glass of stout in the other. He is trying to read his book.

 

Siobhan, incensed, to Brendan: How would you like it if you were stuck in a crate for three days and nights with nothing but a-- a-- a cabbage for company?

 

Brendan lowers his glass: Be better than lying on a plate, with a cabbage for company.

 

Siobhan: Which is where it's going to end up!

She pokes the bar top vehemently with her finger to emphasize her point.

 

Brendan smiles slightly and turns back to his book.

 

Padraig, annoyed: Jeez, enough with this stupid sheep.

 

Siobhan states: Ram.

 

Padraig: Fact of the matter is, it's embarrassing.

 

Assumpta: Embarrassing?

 

Padraig: Crowning a sheep.

 

Siobhan interjects: Ram!

 

Padraig mimics her: Ram.

 

Assumpta: Yeah but in ?? they crown a goat.

 

Padraig: Exactly. It's plagiarism.

 

Assumpta: Oh. The goat's going to sue?

 

Padraig makes a face at Assumpta. She sticks her tongue out at him.

 

SCENE: Festival. Sunny.

There is a jumping castle set up. Several children are jumping around on it. Other rides and games are in the midst of being set up. Brian arrives in his car, followed by Liam and Donal in the blue truck. Timmy Joe is up on a platform above a stage. In front of him are hanging a big Irish flag and a hand-painted banner reading "Cead Mile Failte". Timmy Joe is wearing a white T-shirt with an Irish flag and another flag which has some white stars on a blue background on top, and some red and white stripes on the bottom, but is a far cry from being the American flag. Superimposed on the flags is an image of a footballer. On the top it says, "USA 94", and on the bottom it says, "IRELAND". He is also wearing blue shorts. Brian exits his vehicle.

 

Brian demands: Timmy Joe! What are all them kids doing there?

 

Timmy Joe, patiently: Mr Quigley, hang on, we're testing the rig.

 

Brian walks toward the jumping castle, shouts: Go on away!

He claps his hands impatiently: Go on! Get out of there! We're not open at all yet.

 

The children leave.

 

Liam and Donal exit the truck. Donal starts untying the crate from the truck bed.

 

Brian: Donal go up to Kathleen and get a box of cabbage or whatever it is sheep eat.

He walks back toward the platform: Will you get that crate down out of there--

 

Timmy Joe, dismissively: Yeah yeah just a sec--

 

Brian, impatiently: Will you get the crate down--

 

Timmy Joe: Yeah!

 

Brian: --when I tell you to!

He jumps up onto the stage below the platform.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's.

Assumpta is still up on the stepladder, looking at the plastic sheet on the ceiling. She has a staple gun in one hand. She climbs down. Padraig, Siobhan and Brendan are still sitting at the bar.

 

Brendan: I don't know why they don't just crown a bottle of stout and be done with it. I mean that's the whole point of an Irish festival isn't it.

 

Padraig and Siobhan are unresponsive.

 

Brendan calls over to Assumpta: Isn't it Assumpta!

 

Assumpta, now standing on the ground, blinks and looks confused: What are you looking at me for?

 

Padraig: You're not the only pub in town now.

 

Assumpta laughs: You're not the only customers.

 

Wide shot. The bar is completely empty, save for our three friends. They look around.

 

Assumpta: Are you seriously suggesting, that I'm concerned about a glorified Portakabin out on the Dublin road? With a three-day license?

 

Brendan: Could be a lucrative three days.

 

Assumpta: I'm not afraid of competition. Siobhan. If you're gonna wear that face all day could you please put a bag over it!

She goes into the kitchen, carrying the step ladder.

 

Siobhan gets up, insulted: Right!

She leaves.

 

Brendan smiles, looks at Padraig. Padraig smiles back. Brendan laughs. They both get up and follow Siobhan.

 

SCENE: Festival. Sunny.

The ram is in the crate, which is being lifted up by means of a rope-and-pulley system. Brian is supervising.

 

Brian: Steady...

 

Siobhan, Padraig and Brendan arrive.

 

Siobhan: Ach, this is not right!

 

Padraig: Hey, Timmy Joe!

 

Brendan: How you doing, Timmy!

 

Timmy Joe is up on the platform, waiting to guide the crate with the ram onto the platform. He smiles: Hi how are you lads?

 

Brian, impatiently: Never mind them just get on with it.

 

Timmy Joe: Yeah.

 

Brian: Hey hey--

 

Peter joins Brendan, Padraig and Siobhan walking over to Brian. Peter is now wearing dark trousers and a gray T-shirt.

 

Brendan greets Peter: Peter.

 

Siobhan: Father! Did you see what they're doing to that ram?

 

Padraig: Yeah, maybe you should have given the poor old creature a blessing Father.

 

Brendan: That sheep.

 

Padraig and Brendan chuckle.

 

Brendan, to the sheep: Hail sheep. We who drink stout salute thee.

 

Padraig and Brendan raise their fists in salute.

 

Peter: Brian, are you sure that thing's safe up there?

 

Timmy Joe: What?

 

Siobhan: Never mind whether it's safe or not, it shouldn't be up there in the first place!

 

Timmy Joe: Well you want him down then?

 

Brian: No! Not before the crowning ceremony tomorrow, and then he goes straight back up again.

 

Timmy Joe: OK Mr Quigley.

 

Siobhan: That animal is going back up the mountain now!

 

Brian, with exaggerated patience: No, in three days.

 

Siobhan shouts: NO! He's terrified!

 

Peter leaves.

 

Brian: Terrified, because you keep on shouting.

 

Siobhan calls after Peter: Father, will you make him take it down!

 

Peter: I can't make him.

 

Brian, derogatorily: Ha! Let him try.

 

Padraig: What do you want this stupid old festival for anyway?

 

Brian: Because every town in Ireland has one, that's why.

 

Brendan: And drunkenness.

 

Padraig: And vandalism.

 

Brian: I don't believe you people. The parish council made a democratic decision!

 

Padraig, out of the corner of his mouth: They're all in your pocket anyway.

 

Brian looks around, alarmed: Who said that! Who said that!

 

Brendan and Padraig look around behind them.

 

Brian: The ram stays.

 

Siobhan leaves.

 

SCENE: St. Joseph's exterior. Sunny.

Peter is walking to the church entrance.

 

Siobhan passes by in the road, calls over to Peter, dryly: Thanks a million, all creatures great and small, eh?

 

Peter stands there and watches her for a moment, then enters the church.

 

SCENE: Niamh's bedroom.

Brian walks over to the window. Niamh is fluffing up her wedding dress on the bed.

 

Brian: What do they think? This is for my benefit? Now how is this for my benefit?

 

Niamh: Dad...

 

Brian: Well what?

 

Niamh: Does Assumpta know yet?

 

Brian mumbles: Oh, how should I know?

 

Niamh: Dad!

 

Brian, irritated: Yes, the council will have told her, OK?

 

Niamh, reproachfully: You should have told her.

She picks up the dress: She's my bridesmaid.

She walks over to the mirror and holds the dress up against her. She smiles wistfully.

 

Brian picks up the receipt from the dress box. He reads it. His eyes and mouth open wide. He stares at Niamh.

 

SCENE: Glade. Sunny.

Long shot. Peter is walking into the glade. He leans over. Medium shot. Peter is leaning over in front of the statue of the Virgin Mary. He might be picking up stray twigs. He hears a car door close and turns around. Assumpta's van is parked on the side of the road. Assumpta walks around the front of the van.

 

Assumpta, tentatively: You uh...you dried out yet?

 

Peter: Just about.

He is holding a handful of twigs.

 

Assumpta walks down the path to the glade: You want a lift?

 

Peter: No thanks.

He takes a few steps toward Assumpta, gestures back at the statue: Who looks after this place?

 

Assumpta: Oh er...nobody and everybody I suppose, why?

She continues past Peter into the glade.

 

Peter looks around: I've never seen anyone.

 

Assumpta: That's cause you've only been here five minutes.

 

Peter, bitterly: Ten weeks.

He tosses the handful of twigs into the bushes.

 

Assumpta: There you are then. What do you think of this?

She turns to the statue: One of a kind, eh?

 

Peter: Oh yeah?

 

Assumpta: You bet. There was talk of getting RTE down here, but, well...too late now.

 

Peter: Uh-huh.

 

Assumpta: Do you know, no matter how bad the light is, no matter how long you stare at it, no matter how much drink you've taken...

 

Peter: Go on.

 

Assumpta: That statue will not move a whisker.

 

Peter looks at the statue: That's impressive.

 

Assumpta: You all right?

 

Peter: Hm?

 

Assumpta: Well you seem a bit--

 

Peter looks around, flounders for words.

 

Assumpta: Hey, it's none of my business.

She looks at the statue again.

 

Peter: They want me to go back home.

 

Assumpta: Why? Er...what for?

 

Peter: They need me back at the coal face.

He frowns: I'm not sure.

 

Assumpta, not sure what to say: Well...

She walks back past Peter toward her van.

 

Peter: What do you think? I should fight it?

 

Assumpta stops and turns to Peter: I'd watch your back if you do.

She turns away again and continues toward her van.

 

Peter, still standing in front of the glade: Oh the bishop's OK.

 

Assumpta, over her shoulder: I meant Father Mac.

 

SCENE: Country road.

The black Javelin drives past.

 

CUT TO: Car interior.

Peter is at the wheel. He is wearing his priest uniform.

 

CUT TO: Windshield interior.

A herd of cows is crossing the road. The car slows to a halt.

 

CUT TO: Road.

The cows are crossing the road.

 

CUT TO: Windshield exterior.

Peter looks impatient. He wipes his mouth and sighs.

 

CUT TO: Windshield interior.

The last cow crosses the road.

 

CUT TO: Car interior.

Peter puts the car into gear and starts up again.

 

CUT TO: Road.

The car jerks into motion and drives on. It passes a road sign which reads "CILLDARGAN 8" in one direction and "BALLYKISSANGEL 4" in the other direction. The car is driving toward Cilldargan.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's.

 

Brendan, Siobhan and Padraig are at the corner of the bar. Assumpta enters from the kitchen, carrying three plates with food.

 

Padraig: Crowning an animal isn't the only idea that Quigley's stolen. He wants to run a race through the town.

 

Assumpta puts the plates down in front of them. Siobhan is stonily silent.

 

Brendan: How's that theft?

 

Padraig: The runners have to carry trays of stout.

 

Brendan: Like the bartenders' race at the Galway Oyster Festival.

 

Padraig: Perhaps but in this case he wants to run it with publicans.

 

Assumpta is cleaning up behind the bar.

 

Assumpta: Yeah, he can do without this one. Why publicans?

 

Padraig: Cause he wants to win.

 

Assumpta: To win a publicans' race, isn't the minimum qualification--

 

Padraig: To be a publican, yeah.

 

Assumpta: What's going on?

 

Padraig: That glorified Portakabin out at the Dublin road?

 

Assumpta: Yeah?

 

Padraig: Quigley's bar and grill.

 

Assumpta is speechless.

 

Brendan, amused: What did you think, Assumpta? This festival was for your benefit?

 

Brendan takes a sip of stout. Assumpta stomps off toward the kitchen.

 

SCENE: Parish priest's residence exterior. Sunny.

The Javelin is parked out in front.

 

CUT TO: Office.

Fr Mac is sitting at the desk, drinking a cup of tea. He is wearing a burgundy polo shirt. Peter is sitting opposite him, rubbing his fingers nervously. Fr Mac puts down his teacup.

 

Fr Mac, casually: So?

 

Peter: I just wanted to know, if there was any way...that I could stay where I am.

 

Fr Mac blinks several times: Father, when we spoke, was I unclear in some way?

 

Peter: Well a little. I mean you told me that it wouldn't be your decision, and suggested, if I had some popular support...

 

Fr Mac frowns: Popular support? What do you think the church is, a democracy?

 

Peter smiles: Well I just thought...if you were to back me...

He raises his eyebrows hopefully.

Fr Mac: I've done my best for you Father, but I'm afraid your bishop is adamant.

 

Peter looks disappointed: I see.

 

Fr Mac, satisfied: Sure you're going home. Isn't that something to celebrate?

 

Peter tries to smile.

 

SCENE: Country road. Rainy.

Assumpta is driving along in her van with the wipers on and the window open. She pulls over next to Quigley's Bar and Grill and gets out. She looks steamed.

CUT TO: Bar and grill interior.

Several men are setting things up. Brian is standing in the middle of the room with a clipboard in his hand. His back is toward Assumpta as she enters.

Assumpta: You kept this quiet.

 

Brian turns around, feigns pleasant surprise: Assumpta! No I didn't, sure the council told you.

 

Assumpta accuses him: Your part in it you did.

 

Brian, lightly: Oh that's just for the festival. Take a bit of pressure off you.

 

Assumpta: The one time I stand to make a bit of decent money--

 

Brian: Oh but you will, you will! I mean this is just like a...public service, you know?

 

Assumpta: A public service?

 

Donal is behind the bar, holding a cell phone in his hand: Mr Quigley.

 

Brian: What.

 

Donal: The insurance said they'll only offer cover up to ten thousand a night, after that--

 

Assumpta, incredulously: Ten thousand a night? You expect to make ten thousand a night!

 

Brian, nervously: Ha ha ha ha. What is he talking? Pesetas?

 

Assumpta rolls her eyes and leaves.

 

Brian: Assumpta, Assumpta!

He puts the clipboard down on the bar.

 

Donal leans over: Are we really expecting to make that, Mr Quigley?

 

Brian: "We", Donal? What is this "we"?

 

Donal lowers the antenna on the cell phone. Brian turns away.

 

CUT TO: Bar and grill exterior. Rainy.

Assumpta is pulling her van away. Ambrose comes out from behind the building, carrying two blue plastic crates. He sees Assumpta and tries to avoid her glare.

 

Assumpta leans out her car window, sarcastically: Serving the community, Ambrose? Well that's good.

 

Ambrose grins, self-consciously: Just...helping out.

 

Assumpta nods and drives quickly away.

 

SCENE: Parish priest's residence exterior. Sunny.

Peter and Fr Mac descend the steps and walk toward Peter's car.

 

Fr Mac: So what time will you be locking up St. Joseph's during the festival?

 

Peter: What do you mean?

 

Fr Mac: I thought five o'clock.

 

Peter: What?

 

Fr Mac: Be on the safe side.

 

Peter: Father a lot of people won't even be back from work.

 

Fr Mac: Oh it's not them I'm worried about, it's the drunks and blackguards that'll be around for the festival.

 

Peter, cheekily: Father, what's the point in having a church if it's going to be closed?

 

Fr Mac, indignantly: At least it'll be intact. And since when have we had queues to get into St. Joseph's in the evening?

 

Peter opens the door of his car: What have numbers got to do with it? We don't have a box office.

 

Fr Mac, rudely: You have a tongue in your head, Father, that I won't miss. Five o'clock!

He turns and leaves abruptly.

 

Peter clenches his jaw and gets into his car. He looks steamed. He rubs his brow with his thumb knuckle.

 

SCENE: Niamh's bedroom.

Niamh is buttoning Assumpta into her bridesmaid's dress. It is salmon-coloured and leaves both shoulders bare. Both women look annoyed.

 

Niamh: What do you want me to say?

 

Assumpta: You could have told me.

 

Niamh: I thought you'd have known!

 

Assumpta, shrilly: How if you don't tell me?

 

Niamh, condescendingly: Come on Assumpta, the council must have written to you.

 

Assumpta: Yeah but they didn't say he was involved.

 

Niamh: What difference does that make?

 

Assumpta, flabbergasted: What-- What difference does that make? Ten thousand pounds a night, apparently.

 

Niamh: Don't be ridiculous!

She finishes buttoning the dress and gives Assumpta a little shove in the back.

 

Assumpta turns to look at the dress in the mirror. She still looks annoyed.

 

Niamh: You don't like it.

 

Assumpta, quickly: I didn't say that.

 

Niamh: I can tell.

 

Assumpta, unenthusiastically: What can you tell? I-- I... I-- I love it. Why wouldn't I. It's...gorgeous. Must have cost a fortune. Still. Even after Ambrose's cut, the Bar and Grill'd more than pay for it.

She cocks her head at Niamh.

 

Niamh walks out.

 

Assumpta: Niamh! Niamh!

She runs after her.

 

SCENE: Festival. Sunny.

The ram is in the crate above the platform. The ram bleats. There are hammering sounds. Down below, Peter gets out of his car and locks the door. Siobhan approaches.

 

Siobhan: How would you like it?

 

Peter turns: What?

 

Siobhan: Being stuck up in a crate like that all day!

 

Peter: Siobhan, if you look closely, you will notice that that is a ruminant animal, not a homo sapien [sic]. It doesn't think, it doesn't have a soul, and as far as I'm concerned, it might as well be up there chewing a cabbage as up on a mountain chewing a cud.

He walks away, then turns back: And what are you having a go at me for, huh? There are more important things.

He leaves.

 

Siobhan opens her mouth, speechless.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's interior.

Assumpta is cleaning up tables. Padraig, Siobhan and Brendan are at the corner of the bar.

 

Siobhan: All I said was, how would you like it?

 

Padraig: Could it be the way you said it?

 

Assumpta goes behind the bar: Feeling a bit sensitive at the moment.

She puts an ash tray down on the bar top.

 

Siobhan, innocently: Why?

 

Assumpta: Was told he has to leave.

 

Brendan: What? Has he been sacked?

 

Assumpta: No, he has not been sacked! They just need him more at home.

 

Brendan, knowingly, with a smirk: Oohh! What do you care?

 

Assumpta, disgusted: Oh, grow up, Brendan!

 

Padraig, dryly: He stayed longer than the last one.

 

Everyone dwells on that thought. Assumpta gives Brendan another dirty look.

 

SCENE: Peter's living room.

Peter is sitting at a table by the window, talking on the phone.

 

Peter, into phone: Hello Mary? It's Father Clifford. (laughs) Can I speak to Father Randall please?

 

SCENE: Street outside Fitzgerald's.

The street is busy with people walking past. Assumpta steps outside and sees all the people. She looks peeved. She goes back inside.

 

CUT TO: Fitzgerald's interior.

Assumpta closes the door and grabs a cleaning rag from the bar top. She is frowning. Padraig, Siobhan and Brendan are still at the corner of the bar. Brendan is standing and holding a glass of stout.

 

Brendan, louder than necessary: This is the way I like it in here.

His voice echoes slightly in the nearly empty room.

 

Assumpta: Do you.

 

Brendan walks around and spreads his arms: Mmm, yes. A little oasis.

 

Assumpta turns around and fixes Brendan with a cold stare.

 

Brendan stands behind Padraig and Siobhan, holds out his stout at arm's length: A cocoon out of the storm.

 

Assumpta: Oh really?

 

Padraig, out of the corner of his mouth: Sarcasm alert.

 

Assumpta, sarcastically: Because incredibly, Brendan...I don't.

She advances on him slowly: You see, this is how I make my living. And between people out there who prefer to drink somewhere else, and people in here who take longer to drink a pint than Sonya O'Sullivan does to run a marathon--

 

Padraig: Three thousand metres.

 

Assumpta growls: Shut up Padraig!

She throws her cleaning rag at him. It lands on his arms.

 

Siobhan, gently: Come on, Assumpta.

 

Assumpta growls and stomps out, slamming the door behind her. Padraig, Brendan and Siobhan watch her thoughtfully.

 

SCENE: Peter's living room.

Peter is talking on the phone.

 

Peter, into the phone: Because I wasn't fitting in? Is that what you were told? ... Not exactly, no, er, it was something about you being short-handed. ... Yeah, yes I expect that's it. OK. ... Thank you Father. Bye.

He hangs up the phone. He looks steamed. He looks out the window and clenches his teeth together.

 

SCENE: Bar and Grill exterior.

There are dozens of cars parked along the side of the road. Assumpta's van drives up and parks. Siobhan's jeep drives past.

 

CUT TO: Bar and Grill interior.

Assumpta enters. The interior is loud, crowded and smoky. Assumpta squints her eyes and looks around. There are four bartenders hard at work behind the bar. Siobhan, Padraig and Brendan enter. Assumpta walks around. Some men are sitting around a table, playing cards. One of them is Brian. He is wearing a "dude" outfit.

 

Padraig, gleefully: Would you look at this!

 

Siobhan, disdainfully: What has this place got, it's a right kip!

 

Brendan: My God, would you look at that!

He points at a banner above the bar. "ALL DRINKS HALF PRICE DURING HAPPY HOUR--HAPPY HOUR ALL NIGHT"

 

Padraig and Brendan push past Assumpta to the bar. Assumpta walks over to Brian, peers over his shoulder at his cards.

 

Assumpta announces to the other players: He's got a queen in the hole.

 

Brian turns around, indignantly: Are you out of your mind? What are you trying to do?

 

Assumpta: Well I could ask you the same question.

 

Brian: Ach, get real will ya I'm a businessman.

 

Assumpta: Well you're something beginning with B--

She scratches her arm.

 

Fr Mac growls: Are we playing cards here or what?

He is sitting opposite Brian, in a white short-sleeved shirt and a brown vest.

 

Brian (to Fr Mac, dismissively): Yeah yeah, (to Assumpta:) Now look, you, behave yourself or you're barred.

He turns back to his card game.

 

Fr Mac glares at Assumpta. Assumpta stares at the card players coldly. She turns to find Siobhan, Padraig and Brendan. A portly man with a glass of beer in his hand accosts her.

 

Man: How are ya, sweetheart?

 

Assumpta stomps on the man's foot. The man yells. Brian stands up, cigar in hand, pointing at Assumpta.

 

Brian: Right, you're barred!

 

Assumpta: Hah!

She tosses her head and goes over to Siobhan, Padraig and Brendan, who are at the bar.

Assumpta: Are you with me?

 

Siobhan, emphatically: Certain we are!

 

Brian: Oh, given up on the sheep have you?

 

Assumpta takes Padraig's and Brendan's drinks out of their hands.

 

Assumpta. to Padraig and Brendan: Right. And you are barred, too, excuse me.

She reaches around another patron at the bar and puts the drinks down on the bar.

 

Assumpta: Come on!

She leaves.

 

Siobhan follows her. Padraig looks around, dumbfounded, but follows, too. Brendan follows also with a slightly amused expression on his face. Brian sits down to his card game again. Fr Mac grumbles to himself.

 

SCENE: St. Joseph's interior.

Peter blows out the votive candles. He takes out his keys and walks to the back of the church. He opens the door.

 

CUT TO: Church entry exterior.

Peter exits the church. As he opens the door, he bumps into a man who is sitting on the ground with a beer bottle.

 

Peter: This is a church.

He reaches down and pulls the man up.

 

Man mumbles indistinctly: Have mercy Father.

 

Assumpta approaches.

 

Peter: Just get out of here before I lose my temper.

He pushes the man out of the entry. He closes the outer door and locks it.

 

The man leaves. Assumpta arrives.

 

Assumpta: You can't be serious.

 

Peter: What?

 

Assumpta: Locking up, it's only seven o'clock.

 

Peter: I should have done it two hours ago.

He walks away.

 

Assumpta, sarcastically: Oh really. Spiritual guidance off during the festival, is it?

 

Peter stops and turns back to her: Assumpta, am I missing something? What are you doing here?

 

Assumpta looks at the church, back at Peter, desperately: Same as anybody else. Bit of peace and quiet.

 

Peter, concerned: There's more to it than that.

 

Assumpta: I had sixteen years of it, Father. I just want--

She looks like she's about to start crying.

 

Peter looks like he wants to say something, but doesn't know what to say.

 

Assumpta starts to walk away from the door: I've done enough arguing today, thanks anyway.

 

Peter reaches out his hand to stop her: Wait.

He goes back to the church door and unlocks it: We're very big on peace and quiet.

He pushes the door open.

 

Assumpta goes into the church. Peter follows her.

 

CUT TO: Church interior.

Assumpta enters slowly. She walks over to one of the pews near the back and sits down. Peter enters and leans against the back wall.

 

Assumpta looks around, sees Peter: Look Father--

 

Peter: Assumpta, I'm due at Niamh's, but...

 

Assumpta: If I want to talk, right? No. I know what you're going to say, and I don't want to be rude.

 

Peter: It's what I do.

 

Assumpta: Yeah I know.

 

Peter: It doesn't make me a hustler. You ever thought about time share?

 

Assumpta looks at Peter, turns back around and laughs. Peter smiles too.

 

Peter, quietly: Any time. You know that.

He leaves and closes the door.

 

Assumpta stares straight ahead.

 

SCENE: Quigley's garden.

Peter and Niamh are sitting at a table on the patio, looking over some books. The Javelin is parked in the background.

 

Peter: Well you don't get many women saying "obey." Nowadays it's love honour and respect.

 

Niamh: Respect?

 

Peter: Yeah that's right, and then you give each other a big high five.

He raises his left hand to demonstrate.

 

Peter: Look we've done all this.

 

Niamh, dejectedly: I know...I've upset my bridesmaid.

 

Peter raises his eyebrows briefly, sits back: Not as much as your father has.

 

Niamh: You've heard?

 

Peter: Look don't worry about it. I'll talk to her. She knows how fond of her you are.

 

Niamh: Are you really going?

 

Peter: Looks like it.

 

Niamh: Why?

 

Peter, slightly uncomfortable: Square pegs, round holes, you know.

 

Niamh: Says who?

 

Peter: Niamh, you are less than 48 hours from the most sacred commitment of your life, can we concentrate on that?

 

Niamh smiles self-consciously.

 

SCENE: Festival.

The fair is in full swing. Peter locks the door of his car and walks toward the action. A troupe of girls in red dresses is performing Irish dancing up on a stage. Behind them is a big hand-painted sign, "CEAD MILE FAILTE" with a harp and a shamrock. Peter walks past some games booths and up to the church. Some children are bouncing on the jumping castle.

 

CUT TO: St. Joseph's exterior.

Peter smiles at the fairgoers as he walks alongside the church. When he gets to the door, he is surprised to find it open. He enters.

 

CUT TO: St. Joseph's interior.

Peter enters and looks around slowly and cautiously. He walks into the aisle. He steps on broken glass. He steps back and looks up. A window is broken. He looks bothered. He suddenly looks around.

 

Peter, slightly alarmed: Assumpta?

He walks to the front of the church, calls: Assumpta?

He looks at the ground, then at the window, then grinds his teeth and leaves.

 

CUT TO: Church exterior.

Peter closes the door and locks it. He walks away, looking extremely steamed.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's interior.

Peter enters the hotel entrance and looks around. The place is empty. He hears sounds from the kitchen.

 

Peter, loudly and reproachfully: You could have waited Assumpta.

He goes to the kitchen.

 

CUT TO: Kitchen interior.

Assumpta is putting things away. She ducks into the pantry.

 

Peter: And the least you could have done was shut the door behind you!

 

Assumpta: I had to go!

 

Peter, sarcastically: Oh of course, you've got a pub to run, right?

 

Assumpta comes out of the pantry, carrying a box. She has a bandage on her forehead.

 

Assumpta: That's right Father, it's a dirty job but somebody's got to do it.

 

Peter, suddenly contrite: Oh my God--

 

Assumpta, sarcastically: Sure you're just not reaching the kids of today are you?

She walks past him toward the bar.

 

Peter follows her: So what happened?

 

CUT TO: Bar.

Assumpta walks behind the bar, carrying the box.

 

Assumpta: I was sitting too near the window, I think it was a stone that caught me. Lucky or what?

 

Peter, concerned: Are you OK?

 

Assumpta, sarcastically: Oh I'm fine.

She kneels down to transfer the contents of the box to the shelf.

 

Peter: I was worried.

 

Assumpta: Oh yeah?

 

Peter: I saw the broken glass, I couldn't see you--

 

Assumpta: Got too much peace and quiet.

 

Peter: But who-- ...Did you see the doctor?

 

Assumpta: No, it was definitely a kid.

 

Peter makes a face like "Ha, ha, very funny."

 

Assumpta: Heard them running off.

 

Peter: Well let me look.

He leans over.

 

Assumpta stands up, rudely: Stop it!

 

Peter grabs Assumpta's face with both hands: Just hold still.

He pulls the bandage off Assumpta's forehead. There is a little cut underneath.

 

Assumpta exclaims: Ow!

She tries to move away.

 

Peter shushes her: Tsh, tsh, did you clean this wound?

 

Assumpta, close to tears: Oh what are you, a healer now?

 

Peter: Well I feel responsible.

He is still holding her face with both hands.

 

Assumpta: Yeah well you're forgiven.

 

Peter: And it's my church.

 

Assumpta: Oh yeah?

 

Peter: Look, let me do this properly.

 

Assumpta protests: Aaahhh!

 

Peter mimics her: Aaaahhh, two minutes, eh?

 

Assumpta: Tsk.

 

Peter rips the bandage the rest of the way off. Assumpta hits him.

 

Assumpta: Ooh!

 

Peter: Sh, sh.

 

Assumpta: God!

 

SCENE: Festival.

The fair is up and running. Ambrose has bought two hot dogs for himself and Niamh. He hands one to Niamh then walks a few steps away, taking a bite of the hot dog. He watches the rides. Niamh follows him.

 

Ambrose: I was only helping him out.

 

Niamh: I know and it's decent of you. But it's...how it looks.

She takes a step away from Ambrose and picks at her hot dog.

 

Ambrose: To Assumpta?

 

Niamh: Yes, for one. But it's also-- ...I don't know, I just don't want my father to think that all he has to do is snap his fingers and there you are.

 

Ambrose frowns: That's what he thinks?

 

Niamh: I know how his mind works.

 

She walks away. Ambrose looks troubled.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's kitchen.

Assumpta is sitting down, holding her hair back off her forehead so that Peter can bandage her up. Peter rips a piece of tape off of a roll.

 

Peter: Were you angry with Niamh?

 

Assumpta hesitates, considers, answers: I was.

 

Peter: She's very fond of you.

He rips off another piece of tape.

 

Assumpta: Oh, Father, when I gave up the church I made an effort to give up guilt as well, OK?

 

Peter surrenders: OK.

 

Assumpta: OK?

 

Peter nods. He places a bandage on her forehead.

 

Assumpta: I was angry with her because she didn't tell me what her father was up to.

 

Peter: Well didn't the council tell you?

 

Assumpta: Yes, but they didn't tell me it was him.

 

Peter presses the bandage down firmly and takes his hands away from her face.

 

Assumpta: Ach, the application came from one of the companies. It didn't mention his name.

 

Peter raises his eyebrows: Ah.

 

Assumpta: I mean there's competition and then there's Quigley.

 

Peter: Ta da!

He holds up a little mirror for Assumpta to look into.

 

Assumpta peers into the mirror, disappointed: Oh.

She sighs. She lets go of her hair and pushes it back over her forehead: Very attractive.

 

SCENE: Quigley's Bar and Grill. Night.

The bar and grill is overflowing with people. The music is playing very loudly. Ambrose, wearing his garda uniform, watches from across the street. He walks around behind the building. He is carrying a torch (flashlight).

 

CUT TO: Behind the bar and grill.

There are crates and barrels stacked behind the building. Ambrose shines his torch over them. He gets close to the rear door and shines his light closely at the doorknob. He stumbles over some bottles and loses his footing, falling against the wall. Brian pops open a window.

 

Brian, slightly annoyed: What are you doing out here Ambrose?

 

Ambrose: I'm doing my job, Brian. And you couldn't keep that noise down a bit, could you?

 

Brian: Ah, don't spoil the fun. Come in for a drink when you're finished.

 

Ambrose, haughtily: I don't think so.

 

Brian: All right, please yourself.

He closes the window.

 

Ambrose gets down to business. He inspects the rear door, which is padlocked. He stows his torch under his arm, gets out his notebook, flips it open, and starts to write something.

 

SCENE: Peter's bedroom. Night.

Peter is asleep in his bed. He hears sounds from outside and opens his eyes. It is Assumpta and Siobhan arguing. Their voices are indistinct. A car door slams. Assumpta and Siobhan are talking over each other, it is clear they are arguing about Quigley and the ram. Peter gets out of bed and goes to the window.

 

CUT TO: Peter's bedroom window exterior.

The light turns on inside. Peter pulls the curtain back and looks out. Siobhan and Assumpta are still arguing.

 

CUT TO: Stage.

From his window, Peter can see the stage across the street where the ram is suspended in the crate. Siobhan is climbing the scaffold. Assumpta is below on the stage.

 

Siobhan: I'm telling you that, Quigley has gone too far!

 

Assumpta: You're unbelievable.

She jumps down off the stage.

 

CUT TO: Window.

Peter drops the curtain.

 

CUT TO: Stage.

 

Siobhan shouts: You hear me, Quigley? Up the ?? with you!

 

Assumpta, quietly: Siobhan...

 

Siobhan: Don't worry sweetheart, I'm coming up to get you now.

 

Peter arrives, wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. He looks up at the rigging.

 

Peter, to Assumpta: How much has she had?

 

Assumpta: Is there a metric measure for a skinful?

 

Peter: Oh funny. And where were you?

 

Assumpta: Don't judge me.

 

Peter: Well how does she think she's going to get down from there?

 

Assumpta looks at Peter.

 

Peter: Oh no!

 

Assumpta makes an exasperated sound.

 

Peter: No way!

 

CUT TO: Scaffold.

Peter is climbing up the scaffold. He stops and looks up.

 

Peter: Siobhan? Siobhan!

 

Siobhan is perched a couple of metres above Peter.

 

Siobhan, slurring her words just very slightly: Do not try to stop me!

 

CUT TO: Ground.

Assumpta is standing on the ground with her hands in her pockets.

 

Peter: Is there a plan here?

 

Assumpta climbs back up on the stage.

 

CUT TO: Scaffold.

 

Siobhan: Yes. You try to stop me, and I push you off.

 

Peter considers this.

 

Peter: I won't try and stop you.

 

Siobhan, pleased: Good.

 

Peter continues climbing up.

 

CUT TO: Stage.

Assumpta smiles to herself.

 

CUT TO: Scaffold.

Peter has reached the top. He sits next to the crate with the ram. Siobhan hands him a rope.

 

Siobhan: Here. Take that.

She walks to the ram's head.

 

Ram: Baaaa!

 

Peter looks at the ram.

 

Ram: Baaaa!

 

Peter rolls his eyes: Ah great!

 

Siobhan, reproachfully: It's a ram. What do you expect it to do? Bark?

 

Ram: Baaaa!

 

CUT TO: Closeup of crate.

It is being shoved somewhere.

 

CUT TO: Back of Siobhan's car.

The crate is loaded in the back of Siobhan's car. Siobhan looks satisfied. Peter looks tired out. He gives Assumpta a look that says, "Thanks a load for getting me into this." Assumpta shoots him a look back that says, "You're more than welcome." Peter's face responds with, "Cute." He closes the rear door and walks to the front of the car.

 

Peter: Ahh, I don't think so.

He tries to take the keys out of Siobhan's hand.

 

Siobhan: What?

She refuses to relinquish the keys.

 

Peter: You're drunk!

 

Siobhan: So call the guards!

 

Peter: I can't let you drive.
He wrests the keys away from her.

 

Assumpta: Give me the keys. I'll drive.

She grabs the keys away from Peter.

 

Siobhan: I'll still need you to help me get him out.

She climbs into the front seat of the car.

 

Peter rolls his eyes and sinks back against the side of the car.

 

Assumpta gets in after her: Come on if you're coming.

 

Peter steps to the front door: And where am I supposed to--

 

Assumpta sits down at the steering wheel. Peter steels himself and heads for the back of the car with the ram. Assumpta slams the front door. Peter opens the back door and squeezes in next to the crate. He closes the door.

 

Ram: Baaaa!

 

Assumpta starts up the motor and drives away.

 

CUT TO: Rear of the car.

The crate is visible through the back of the car.

 

SCENE: Siobhan's car interior. Night.

The car is driving along a bumpy road. Siobhan is sound asleep. Assumpta is driving. Peter leans forward and looks out the front window. A red light falls across his face.

 

Peter: My God, what time is it?

 

CUT TO: Quigley's bar and grill exterior.

The red light comes from the lighting on Quigley's bar and grill. The music is still just as loud, and there are still just as many people hanging around outside.

 

Assumpta: What difference does it make?

 

CUT TO: Siobhan's car interior.

 

Assumpta: The guard's in his pocket.

 

SCENE: Country road. Night.

Siobhan's car drives slowly along the road. One of Eamonn's wooden sheep is illuminated by the headlights.

 

Assumpta, amused: Eamonn says she's a very good listener.

 

Peter chortles. Assumpta chuckles.

 

SCENE: Field. Night.

The crate has been unloaded from the car. Assumpta and Peter slide the side of the crate up so that the ram can go out.

 

Assumpta: Was a time that they'd transport you for this.

 

Peter: What.

 

Assumpta: Botany Bay.

 

Peter: Sounds good to me.

 

Ram: Baaaa!

 

Assumpta: Come on then.

 

Peter: Come on!

He pats the side of the crate.

 

Assumpta and Peter tap on the sides of the crate in an effort to get the ram to go out.

 

CUT TO: Car interior.

Siobhan is still sound asleep. We can hear Assumpta and Peter tapping on the crate and the ram bleating. Siobhan stirs but doesn't wake up.

 

CUT TO: Field.

Assumpta and Peter reach into the crate and pull the ram out.

 

Assumpta: Go on.

 

The ram runs off. Assumpta claps her hands once. Peter waves at the ram.

 

Peter: See ya.

 

Ram: Baaaa!

 

Peter and Assumpta lean on the crate. Both are slightly out of breath. Peter watches the ram. Assumpta watches Peter.

 

Assumpta: Don't you want to go back home?

 

Peter looks at Assumpta: Home doesn't come into it.

 

Assumpta: Well what does?

 

Peter: You go where you're told.

 

Assumpta: Yeah but...where do you want to go?

 

Peter looks closely at Assumpta: Where I'm wanted.

 

Assumpta looks down, thinks for a moment.

 

Assumpta, gently: Have you talked to Father Mac?

 

Peter, bitterly: Yeah. I mean what is his--

 

Assumpta: Problem?

She smiles: You are.

 

Peter: Well what have-- what have I ever done to him?

 

Assumpta: You rock the boat.

 

Peter: What cause I'm English?

 

Assumpta: No. Worse than that. What you do is, you encourage people to think for themselves.

 

Peter looks down.

 

Assumpta: What he does, what they're doing, the whole lot of them, is holding this country back.

She sighs, looks around, then back at Peter: But as...priests go...

 

Peter, hopefully: Yeah?

 

Assumpta: We could do a lot worse.

 

Peter looks like he wants to smile but hides his face against his shoulder and looks away. He sighs. He smiles and looks in the direction the ram ran in.

 

Peter, sing-song: Quigley's not gonna like this...

 

Assumpta smiles: Tough.

 

Peter looks off into the distance, gets a sneaky look on his face.

 

Peter: I've got an idea.

He pats the top of the crate.

 

Peter: Hang on a sec.

He walks away.

 

SCENE: Quigley's Bar and Grill exterior. Morning.

Ambrose's garda car pulls up and stops in front of the bar and grill. The ground is littered with refuse. Ambrose opens the car door and gets out. He is wearing his garda uniform. He steps directly on a hot dog.  He closes the door. He looks at a loss. He looks around, puts on his hat and walks to the building. He shakes his head slightly at the mess.

 

CUT TO: Door.

Ambrose knocks on the door. Liam opens it suddenly. He is wearing an undershirt and his black-and-yellow cap.

 

Liam: If you're looking for Mr Quigley he's gone into town.

 

Ambrose, clipped: Never mind. When he gets back, give him this.

He holds out an envelope.

 

Liam takes the envelope and looks at it.

 

Ambrose: It's official.

He leaves.

 

Liam goes back inside and slams the door.

 

SCENE: Festival. Sunny.

Brian is standing up on stage, speaking to a loosely assembled audience ranged on wooden benches.

 

Brian: Transport yourselves back, ladies and gentlemen, to the day when invaders stalked the land. The Roman army, having conquered Britain and half of Europe, has landed in Ireland too. Now, they make their way to Ballykay. But while the town slept, the ram of Ballykay didn't. And down from the mountain he came, his lungs bursting, but his heart refusing to yield. His tiny hooves, pattering--

 

CUT TO: Crowd.

Peter joins the group of Padraig, Siobhan and Assumpta, who are standing near the back, giggling at Brian.

 

Siobhan, derisively: Talk!

 

Assumpta, smiling, into Siobhan's ear: I think this is for the tourists.

 

Peter, into Assumpta's ear: Father Mac says, sorry about your eye, he's praying for you.

 

Assumpta, sarcastically: Oh Hallelujah!

 

CUT TO: Stage.

 

Brian: Girded wakefulness. By a ram, some people believe, was chosen by God himself.

 

CUT TO: Crowd.

Padraig, Siobhan, and Assumpta laugh openly. Peter looks puzzled.

 

Siobhan: Haven't I heard this story somewhere before?

 

Padraig: Yeah yeah, that's er pub fare in Kerry (??) only there it's a goat.

 

Siobhan: Oh right.

 

CUT TO: Stage.

 

Brian: ...leading Strongbow's army to fight.

 

CUT TO: Crowd.

Brendan joins the group.

 

Brian: And that is why ladies and gentlemen, we put aside three days a year, to pay tribute, to our very own, king of the ??

 

Brendan: He's on good form.

 

Assumpta, chuckling: He's on something.

 

All laugh.

 

Brian: The ram of Ballykissangel.

 

CUT TO: Stage.

Brian leans over and picks up a gold paper crown from a chair. He reverently holds it while some men lower the box where the ram was. It is revealed that Eamonn's wooden sheep is there in place of the ram. Scattered applause and laughter. Calls of "Baaa!" Brian looks around, confused.

 

CUT TO: Crowd.

Siobhan sneaks behind Assumpta and Peter.

 

Siobhan, smiling: I believe, Dublin is very nice at this time of the year.

 

Peter: You're right.

 

Assumpta, smiling: Missing you already.

 

Siobhan leaves.

 

CUT TO: Stage.

Brian is still looking around, confused.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's interior.

The hotel door opens. Assumpta strides in, followed closely by Peter and Ambrose.

 

Assumpta, impatiently: How should I know where your stupid ram is?

 

Brian: She knows where Siobhan is.

 

Assumpta: Siobhan is in Dublin.

 

Brian: Don't listen to that Ambrose go on.

He pushes Ambrose in Assumpta's direction.

 

Niamh enters also.

 

Assumpta, dryly: I think your boss wants a word.

 

Niamh, reproachfully: Assumpta!

 

Ambrose: I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

 

Assumpta: Oh and I'll pretend that you haven't been turning a blind eye to his twenty-four hour shebeen.

 

Ambrose: What?

 

Brian, indignantly: Quigley's bar and grill is not--

 

Assumpta: Bar and grill you call a pair of crates and a micro--

 

Niamh, upset: Dad Assumpta please I am getting married tomorrow!

 

Peter, reasonably: Assumpta--

He gestures toward Niamh.

 

Assumpta: Oh stay out of this.

 

Ambrose warns: Assumpta Fitzgerald, I'd advise you to moderate your language.

 

Assumpta, sarcastically: Oh and I'd advise you to do your job if I thought it'd make a difference.

 

Niamh, sarcastically, to Assumpta: Not that I want to spoil your wedding Niamh.

 

Ambrose, angrily: One more word out of you now Assumpta and I swear--

 

Assumpta: Or you'll what, do what he tells you to!

 

Ambrose: Right.

He bares his teeth and heads for Assumpta.

 

Peter: Come on, away.

He takes Assumpta by the shoulders and steers her toward the kitchen.

 

Assumpta, angrily: Get your hands off me.

 

Peter, friendly: She doesn't mean it Ambrose.

 

Assumpta, indignantly: I certainly do I mean every word get your hands off me!

 

Peter pushes Assumpta into the kitchen.

 

Peter: Just get in there.

He closes the kitchen door behind them.

 

Assumpta continues to argue with Peter. Niamh looks at the kitchen, troubled, and leaves.

 

SCENE: Kitchen interior.

 

Peter smiles disarmingly: No he isn't.

 

Assumpta: You saw his bar last night, it was heaving.

 

Peter: Here today, gone tomorrow.

 

Assumpta: Oh you really believe that, do you really believe that once this festival is over he's going to close it down? Come on! You know Quigley, he is a scheming--

 

Peter: Assumpta, will you stop it? You make him sound like Don Corleone.

 

Assumpta: Well he is! Without the morals!

 

Peter: Well, I think you're wrong. I'll prove it to you.

 

Assumpta gives him a look.

 

SCENE: Country road. Cloudy.

The Javelin drives up to Quigley's bar and grill.

 

CUT TO: Bar and grill interior.

Brian opens an envelope and takes out a piece of paper. He unfolds the paper. The official garda seal is at the top. The letter is type-written.

 

Brian: And you say Ambrose delivered this.

 

Liam is grilling burgers. He is wearing a white waiter's uniform.

 

Liam: Yeah.

He slides a burger onto a bun.

 

Brian, incredulous: Ambrose?

 

Liam puts the spatula down and turns to Brian: Yeah. Ambrose.

 

CUT TO: Outside.

Peter locks the door on the Javelin. He looks across the road the the bar and grill. He looks like he means business. He carefully checks the road both ways (first left, then right) before crossing the road.

 

CUT TO: Inside.

 

Brian: Be honest with you Father, right now I have (he puts an empty bottle down on a piece of paper. On the paper we can see Ambrose Egan's signature at the bottom) other things on my mind than Assumpta Fitzgerald. Anyhow, what is it to you?

 

Peter, nonchalantly: She's a parishioner.

 

Brian, snottily: Hm. In your dreams.

 

Peter lets that comment pass.

Peter: She thinks you're out to destroy her. Just tell me she's wrong.

 

Brian: It's just business.

 

Peter, very still: Tell me she's wrong.

 

Brian, softly: Why don't you stick to what you're good at.

He stares at Peter.

 

Peter stares back, realizes the implications. His face falls. Brian looks down at the paper on the counter.

 

Brian: I'll tell you what I will do though.

He picks up the empty bottle and tosses it into a bin, where it crashes down on top of other bottles and breaks.

 

Brian: I'll make her an offer, she can't refuse.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's kitchen interior.

Assumpta strides into the kitchen. She is wearing a black T-shirt, a rust-coloured hippie skirt, boots, and a blue sweater tied around her waist. Peter enters after her and closes the door. Assumpta rummages around in the refrigerator and takes out a tub of margarine. She puts the margarine on the table and opens a pack of bread. Peter stands next to her and makes a gesture with his hands that says, "Well? What do you say?" Assumpta puts the bread down.

 

Assumpta: All right. Tell him he's on.

 

Peter: Now hold on.

 

Assumpta: No no no I want to do it. Everything in writing though, yeah?

 

Peter: Look Assumpta, listen to me, this bet stinks.

 

Assumpta: Well he's going to put me out of business sooner or later.

 

Peter: Well if that's true then why's he doing it?

 

Assumpta: He's a gambling man!

 

Peter: But he's not stupid.

 

They stare at each other. Assumpta looks down at her bread, then stares at Peter again.

 

SCENE: Quigley's house. Sunny.

A white station wagon is driving up to Brian's house. We can hear the sound of children playing. The car pulls in and parks amongst the several cars that are already there, including Assumpta's van and Siobhan's jeep. Brian, wearing a suit, calls out to some children on the lawn.

 

Brian: Here! Conrad! Stop that!

 

CUT TO: Niamh's bedroom.

Niamh and Assumpta are there, getting ready. Niamh is wearing her wedding dress. Another woman is doing her hair, and another woman is fixing her hem. Assumpta is sitting by the window, with big curlers in her hair. Someone knocks at the door three times. Donal enters, carrying a big pile of presents.

 

Niamh: Do you mind?

Donal: Well...where will I put them?

 

Niamh, testily: I don't care, give them to the mission, just get out.

 

Donal turns to leave and runs into Liam, entering. Liam knocks on the door three times.

 

Niamh, shrilly: What?

 

Liam: Ah, the photographer was just wondering--

 

Niamh: What, if he can come in here and take a few pictures?

 

No, no--

 

Niamh shouts, close to tears: Dad will you get grip out there, half the town just seems to think they can wander into my bedroom!

She brushes away the hairdresser's hand and turns to her dresser.

 

Brian enters, knocks twice.

 

Brian, clueless: What?

 

Liam: He just wanted to know, if you want black and white--

 

Assumpta, a glass of white wine (or perhaps champagne) in her hand, shouts authoritatively: All right, that is it! You, scram, now, out!

She stands up.

 

Liam, Donal and Brian leave in a hurry.

 

Assumpta puts her glass down on the dresser, more quietly, getting loud again toward the end: You two, please, we'll have time for this later. Five minutes, OK, please, go, now!

She shoos the two other women out and closes the door behind them. She sighs and leans back against the door.

 

Niamh is standing by the dresser, breathing nervously, trying to swallow sobs. She turns to Assumpta, a desperate look on her face.

 

Assumpta, sympathetically: I'm sorry.

 

Niamh: It's OK.

She tries to smile.

 

Assumpta reassures her: It's gonna be fine. It's going to be, fine.

She hugs Niamh. Niamh smiles through her tears.

 

SCENE: Ballykissangel.

The church spire is visible over the trees. The bells are ringing.

 

CUT TO: St. Joseph's interior.

The pews are full of wedding guests. Ambrose and Timmy Joe are sitting next to each other in the front row. Ambrose plays with Timmy Joe's pony tail, then chats animatedly with someone in the row behind them. He looks in fine spirits. The organ is playing some slow, wandering tune. The camera pans along the rows. Some guests are taking their seats. Michael Ryan, seated, hands a clipboard to a woman seated behind him. Padraig enters the row where the woman is seated and makes his way over to Brendan. Padraig sits down, whispering to Michael. Michael seems to be telling him something about the clipboard. Padraig leans over and looks at the clipboard in the woman's lap. She hands it to him. Ambrose finishes chatting with the people behind him and looks around. He catches Peter's eye as Peter enters from the sacristy. Peter gives him a reassuring look. He mouths "OK." Ambrose nods slightly. Peter looks to the back of the church and moves toward the altar. Ambrose looks towards the back of the church. The Wedding March starts playing on the organ. Ambrose stands up. From behind, we see Brian leading Niamh down the aisle, followed by Assumpta. Then from an eye-level shot, we see the same procession, and in the background Siobhan hurries in with a big smile on her face and takes her place next to Brendan. Brendan hands her the clipboard and whispers something to her, whereupon she nods and writes something on the clipboard. At the front of the church, there are four chairs set up. Assumpta, Niamh, Ambrose and Timmy Joe take their places.

 

CUT TO: A short time later. Closeup of Ambrose and Niamh.

 

Ambrose, quietly: Niamh, do you consent to be my wife.

 

Niamh, quietly: I do. Ambrose, do you consent to be my husband.

 

Ambrose: I do. I take you as my wife and I give myself to you as your husband.

 

Niamh: I take you as my husband and I give myself to you as your wife.

 

Ambrose and Niamh, together: To love each other truly, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, all the days of our life.

 

Peter reaches down and takes Ambrose's hand, guides it to Niamh's hand. They all three hold hands.

 

Peter, loudly: What God joins together, man must not separate. May the Lord confirm the consent that you have given, and enrich you with his blessings.

 

Assumpta smiles. Peter looks at Assumpta and smiles at her. Niamh and Ambrose smile shyly at each other.

 

CUT TO: St. Joseph's exterior.

The bells are ringing. All the guests are milling around outside. Niamh and Ambrose exit the church. Everyone claps and cheers and throws flower petals on them. Brian walks next to Niamh and Ambrose, glaring at Ambrose.

 

Niamh, through her teeth, maintaining a smile: Dad, stop it.

Brian, innocently: Stop what?

 

Niamh: You know very well what. He was only doing his job.

She smiles for the photographer.

 

Brian, threateningly: Well I hope he's not gonna make a habit of it.

He glares at Ambrose and shakes his hand.

 

Ambrose takes his hand and grins broadly.

 

Peter and Assumpta are standing near the church door.

 

Peter: Are you fit?

 

Assumpta: As I'll ever be.

 

They walk over to Niamh and Ambrose. Assumpta hugs Niamh. Peter goes and stands next to Brian.

 

Assumpta: Niamh, congratulations.

 

Niamh mumbles something.

 

Assumpta: Not at all.

She turns to Ambrose: Ambrose, you treat her well. Or I'll have to ??

She kisses Ambrose on the cheek.

 

Ambrose: I will.

 

Assumpta turns to Brian: Well, will we do it?

 

Brian: What now?

 

Assumpta: Well I don't want it hanging over me.

 

Brian nods: Let's rock and roll.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's interior.

(This entire scene is without dialogue. It is timed to fit the classic rock song "Rock Around the Clock", which you may remember as having been the theme song from "Happy Days". In the following transcription, which is a poor substitute for the real thing, each line of the song is followed by a description of what happens while that line is sung.)

One two three o'clock four o'clock rock--

 

Brendan and Padraig, in tandem, hold up a glass in their right hand, toss it to their left hand, hold it under a tap and pull the tap.

 

Five six seven o'clock eight o'clock rock--

 

The glasses fill with ale.

 

Nine ten eleven o'clock twelve o'clock rock--

 

Peter rolls up his shirtsleeves and Michael removes his jacket and hangs it over a chair.

 

We gonna rock-- around-- the clock tonight--

 

Assumpta sits down in a chair which Peter sets in the middle of the floor for her.

 

When the band cracks on, join me hon--

 

Peter and Michael lean over and start giving Assumpta advice, as if she were getting ready for a boxing match.

 

We'll have some fun when the clock strikes one--

 

Liam removes Brian's jacket and Timmy Joe takes it.

 

We're gonna rock around the clock tonight--

 

Siobhan enters, holding a pair of white sneakers in one hand and a pair of white socks in the other.

 

We're gonna rock rock rock till broad daylight--

 

Donal (carrying a pair of white sneakers) and Timmy Joe (carrying Brian's jacket) walk past each other; Brian unlaces his black dress shoes and Donal places the sneakers between Brian's feet.

 

We're gonna rock gonna rock around the clock tonight.

 

Assumpta hands her pink pumps to someone (maybe Peter); Brendan and Padraig wink at each other and hold up their glasses of ale, admiring the head.

 

When the clock strikes two, three and four, If the band slows down we'll yell for more--

 

Liam stands behind Brian and massages his shoulders, again as if Brian were preparing for a boxing match. Brian removes his tie and hands it to another man who passes by.

 

We're gonna rock around the clock tonight--

 

The two ales stand on the bar top; Assumpta, now wearing white socks, slips her feet into the white sneakers.

 

We're gonna rock rock rock till broad daylight--

 

Someone places two round drinks trays on the bar top, then goes to the tap and pulls another ale.

 

We're gonna rock gonna rock around the clock tonight.

 

Brian removes his cuff links and drops them into someone's hand.

 

Guitar solo.

 

Brian rolls up his sleeves. Liam puts on dark sunglasses. Donal puts on dark sunglasses. (He is posed next to a poster showing Wild Bill Hickock; both of them are facing the same way.) Timmy Joe puts on dark sunglasses. (He is standing in front of a poster of a ram.) Donal puts on a top hat which is too big for him. (Wild Bill also has on a hat.) Brendan and Padraig finish filling the last of the glasses with ale and putting them on the trays. Each tray now has three full glasses. Brendan and Padraig walk away. Peter walks up to the trays and looks around to make sure nobody can see him.

 

When the chimes ring five, six and seven, we'll be right in seventh heaven--

 

Assumpta stands up, surrounded by Michael, Brendan, Siobhan, and Padraig. Peter walks over to join their group.

 

We're gonna rock around the clock tonight, we're gonna rock rock till broad daylight--

 

Brian enters the pub, followed by Timmy Joe, Donal, Liam, and some other guy, all wearing dark sunglasses. Brian places his hands on his hips.

 

We're gonna rock gonna rock--

 

Assumpta's group turns to face Brian's group.

 

Around the clock tonight.

 

Shot of Brian's group. Camera closes in on Brian's face.

 

Final notes of song on guitar.

 

Shot of Assumpta's group.

 

SCENE: Bridge. Sunny.

Final chord. A procession is walking across the bridge leading out of town. First is Ambrose, followed by Assumpta and Brian. Assumpta is still wearing her salmon pink bridesmaid's dress, and now also has on dark sunglasses. A boy is riding his bicycle alongside Ambrose. Behind Assumpta, Michael is carrying the tray with the drinks. He is also wearing sunglasses. Behind Brian, Donal is carrying the other tray with drinks.

 

Ambrose, to the bystanders: You'll stand right back off the kerb on the path please.

 

The boy on the bicycle suddenly cuts in front of Ambrose, followed by another boy on a bicycle.

 

Ambrose, calmly: Lads careful on the bikes keep it off the road, thank you.

 

Niamh kisses Assumpta quickly on the cheek as she passes by. Eamonn is waiting at the end of the bridge on a big green tractor. A museum piece. Assumpta and Brian stop in front of him and turn around to face the town. They take their trays from their helpers. At the side, Peter is standing with Padraig, Brendan, and Siobhan. Padraig also has on dark sunglasses.

 

Peter: Are you ready?

 

Assumpta, looking at Peter, nervously: Yeah.

 

Brian, looking at his tray: Yup.

 

Brendan: They're taking this very seriously.

 

Peter: Get set...

 

Padraig: Is there a lot of money on this now?

 

Peter raises a starter's gun into the air and looks at Padraig.

 

Peter, calmly: No--

 

Padraig nods and looks at Assumpta and Brian.

 

Peter: --Just their pubs.

 

Padraig, Brendan, and Siobhan look at Peter in astonishment.

 

Brendan: What?

 

Peter pulls the trigger and the starter's gun makes a "CRACK". Brian and Assumpta set off. Everybody starts cheering. The entire wedding party hurries onto Eamonn's tractor and the trailer behind it. Assumpta and Brian are neck and neck. The tractor starts chuggin' along after them. (Some unknown farmer dude is driving the thing.) Two bicyclists ride ahead of Assumpta and Brian. They turn left up the street toward the church. Everyone on the tractor and trailer is standing up and egging the racers on. Assumpta trips or something (for no apparent reason, it was a pretty obvious fake stumble) and has to lean forward so as not to drop the tray. She gasps but recovers. Brian pulls ahead. The race continues up the hill. Brian and Assumpta are even again. Brian looks over at Assumpta and kind of jogs to the side, slopping some of his drinks. (This was also a very unbelievable stumble.) One of his glasses falls over and spills. He stops. Assumpta goes around him and laughs a little. She crosses the finish line victorious. Everybody cheers except for Brian's four helpers (Liam, Donal, Timmy Joe, and the Fourth Man). Everyone jumps down off the tractor. Assumpta raises her fist in the air in a victory salute. Michael takes the tray from Assumpta. Brian is standing there with his two drinks. Assumpta goes over to Brian.

 

Assumpta, joyously: Well that's it right? Finished.

 

Brian: I'm a man of my word.

He hands off his tray to his Fourth Man and walks away.

 

Peter comes up to Assumpta.

 

Peter, pleased: Congratulations.

 

Assumpta: I never thought I'd have to thank a priest.

She pats him on the stomach and walks away to her group of friends. She skips when she reaches them.

 

Assumpta: Come on!

 

Everyone walks back down toward Fitzgerald's, including Brian.

 

Peter smiles to himself for a moment, then follows them.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's interior.

The wedding reception is well underway. A band is playing another classic 1960's song, "If I Had A Hammer", only they're on the last verse. ("It's the hammer of justice, it's the bell of freedom, it's the song about love between my brothers and my sisters, all over these lands. Oooh...") The wedding cake is pretty small and has three tiers. On top are a tiny bride and groom. Ambrose and Niamh are cutting up the dance floor with all sorts of fancy moves. Padraig is dancing with Siobhan. Liam is dancing with about three ladies at once. Assumpta is dancing with Timmy Joe. She is now wearing a decent blue dress and a blue cardigan. When the music stops, everyone applauds loudly. Assumpta walks over to the bar. A slow song starts. Assumpta smiles and talks to Michael and Donal. A strange man with a mustache is serving drinks. At the far end of the bar, Peter and Brian are sitting with their drinks.

 

Peter: I've got to put it to you Brian, you kept your word.

 

Brian stares straight ahead, announces: I did.

 

Peter, appreciatively: Some gamble.

 

Brian: For her.

 

Peter frowns: But not for you?

 

Brian glances at Peter, then looks straight ahead again: Ambrose closed me down yesterday. Fire regulations.

He shrugs: I had nothing to lose.

He looks at Peter with the hint of a smug smile.

 

Peter laughs heartily. Brian chuckles.

 

Brian: Well you're taking it rather well.

 

Peter clears his throat: Well I'm just pleased that I don't have to feel guilty anymore.

 

Brian laughs shortly, raises his glass to Assumpta, who is approaching: To a lucky woman.

Assumpta looks at Peter and raises her eyebrows.

 

Peter, about fit to burst: Well, luck...didn't come into it.

 

Assumpta looks at Brian smugly. Peter picks up the tray with three empty glasses and wiggles it around, making a sound like the wind. Then he drops it vertically in front of Brian. The glasses are glued on. Assumpta suppresses a laugh. Peter looks extremely pleased with himself.

 

Brian, completely baffled: You stuck them down?

 

Peter plays at being insulted: Brian!

 

Assumpta: Do you not recognize a miracle when you see one?

She and Peter exchange a look of pure joy. She leaves.

 

Peter looks at Brian and laughs. Brian looks disgruntled.

 

Over on the dance floor, a slow song is playin, “Listen to the Rhythm of the Falling Rain.”. Siobhan is dancing with Padraig. Liam cuts in.

 

Peter and Brian shake hands and part friends. Brian works the crowd, making his way to the dance floor. Peter puts on his jacket and walks to the door. He pauses and looks around the room. He sees Niamh and Ambrose dancing with their arms around each other. Niamh is talking to Assumpta at the same time. Assumpta looks up and sees Peter.  They share a meaningful look. Peter looks away and leaves. Assumpta excuses herself.

 

SCENE: Ballykissangel street.

The street is empty. The banners from Brian's festival are still hanging over the street. Peter is sitting on the steps of Hendley's.

 

A couple enters the pub as Assumpta is leaving.

Assumpta: How's it going.

 

Another couple enters.

 

Assumpta: Hi!

 

As she stands in the doorway, she sees Peter across the street. Peter sees her, too. He waves at her. Assumpta walks across the street. She is holding a rolled-up piece of paper behind her back. She sits down on the step next to Peter.

 

Assumpta: So.

 

Peter: So.

 

Assumpta: You having a good time?

 

Peter, not very convincingly: You bet.

 

Assumpta: I'll miss you. If you decide to go.

 

Peter, self-consciously: It's too late. No that battle's been fought and lost.

 

Assumpta whispers: I don't think so.

She exhales and holds out the rolled-up paper.

 

Peter takes it.

 

Assumpta: Nearly the whole town signed it.

 

Peter unrolls it. It is several pieces of paper.

 

Assumpta, quickly: They all want you to stay and just so he knows it I'm sending this to the Bishop now I don't know if it'll make any difference but hey...I'm on a roll.

She smiles quickly.

 

Peter seems to be overcome with emotion. He looks at the papers.

 

Peter, voice quavering slightly: I don't know what to say.

 

Assumpta whispers, barely audible: It's no big deal.

 

Peter, tears in his eyes: Oh yes it is.

 

Assumpta: Oh, whatever.

 

Peter laughs through his tears. Assumpta looks pretty uncomfortable.

 

Assumpta: What?

 

Peter, humorously: I never thought I'd have to thank a landlady.

 

Assumpta laughs. She looks away.

 

Peter, looking down at the paper but not really looking at it: What about you?

 

Assumpta shrugs slightly: What?

She turns to look at Peter.

 

Peter, looking intently at Assumpta: You said they all wanted me to stay. What about you?

 

Assumpta looks at Peter for a bit, then down at the paper, then back at Peter, then she gets up and leaves. She walks back to Fitzgerald's. Peter watches her. He leafs through the papers. He looks quickly at the first and second pages, then the third, then looks toward Assumpta. There might be the hint of a smile at the corner of his mouth.

 

ROLL CREDITS

 

"In Memory of Joy Lale"