BALLYKISSANGEL

Episode 3.6

"I Know When I'm Not Wanted"

Written by Niall Leonard

Directed by Paul Harrison

Produced by Chris Griffen

Transcribed by Jantineke Mulder and Margaret Pattison

 

SCENE: Road.

A yellow public bus with a "BALLYKISSANGEL" sign on the front is driving slowly behind a yellow mini. Eamonn is driving the car with Peter, in priest uniform, in the passenger seat.

 

CUT TO: Car interior.

Peter is scrunched up in the passenger seat. He has his seat belt on. Eamonn does not have his seat belt on.

 

PETER:                        It's very good of you to give me a lift, Eamonn, but I don't want to put you out.

 

EAMONN:                  No bother, Father. Sure you'd have been waiting all day for the bus.

 

Peter looks skeptically in the rear view mirror, then turns his head to look over his shoulder out the back window.

 

EAMONN:                  So. How was your holiday?

 

PETER:                        Well it wasn't so much of a holiday. More of a refresher course.

 

CUT TO: Road.

The bus is crawling along behind Eamonn's car. They pass a signpost which reads "BAILE COISC ANGEL -- BALLYKISSANGEL -- 4"

 

PETER:                        It's great to be back home all the same.

 

SCENE: Ballykissangel street.

Eamonn's car is driving up the street to the curate's house. The license number is 1026 RI.

 

CUT TO: Curate's house exterior.

A red car is parked in front of the curate's house. Eamonn pulls up and stops in front of the house. The car slides backwards and he pulls on the hand brake. Peter undoes his seat belt and climbs out of the car.

 

PETER:                        Cheers Eamonn!

He tosses the seat belt back onto the seat and closes the door, opens the back door and takes out his rucksack.

 

EAMONN leans out his window and calls:     ??

 

PETER:                        So long.

He closes the door. Hefts his rucksack and looks up at the house. Eamonn drives away.

 

SCENE: Curate's house interior.

Peter opens the door and enters. He closes the door. There are articles of clothing strewn about on the furniture. Peter sets his rucksack down on top of the radiator. He hears giggles from upstairs. Female giggles. Two young women wearing nothing but bath towels come running down the stairs. One woman has on a blue bath towel, with a white towel wrapped around her head, turban-style. The other woman has on a white bath towel with her head bare and is playfully hitting the other woman with a green towel. Peter looks at them, puzzled. They stop at the bottom of the stairs when they see Peter. They all stare at each other.

 

RUN TITLES

 

SCENE: Curate's house exterior.

Peter is next to the red car, which is his car. He closes the rear passenger side door, apparently having just stowed his rucksack. He walks around the red car parked in front of the house and gets in. He closes the door and attempts to start the engine.

 

CUT TO: Car interior.

Peter turns the key in the ignition, but the engine won't turn over. He turns the key to the off position and tries again. The engine sounds even more lethargic. Peter gets a look on his face that says, "Great, just great." He mouths "Come on, come on," and tries the key again.

 

SCENE: Brian's house interior.

Brian is pacing back and forth, talking into a cordless phone. He is wearing a grey pullover and brown trousers. He has one hand in the pocket of his trousers.

 

BRIAN:                        Morris! You're supposed to be the bank that gives a helping hand, not a slap in the teeth. Look, if you keep on bouncing my checks, I'm going to go out of business and I don't know how you're going to get your money. Oh yeah, cute Morris, very funny indeed.

 

Outside the window, two men are fiddling around with a car. One man has the hood open and is leaning over the engine. The other man opens the driver's door. The car alarm goes off.

 

BRIAN:                        You can't actually take the house because it hasn't been ?? yet!

 

Brian looks through the window. He sees the men.

 

BRIAN:                        What the he-- Hold on!

He hangs up the phone and heads outside.

 

CUT TO: Outside.

 

BRIAN:                        Hey! Get away from that car! What do you think you're doing?

 

The man under the hood stands up and closes the hood.

 

MAN:                          Calm down, calm down, Mr. Quigley, it's just a simple misunderstanding, you see, if you don't keep up the payments, it's not your car. Here, that little leaflet there explains all about it.

 

He reaches into his suit pocket and pulls out a piece of paper, which he hands to Brian. He walks away toward the passenger side of the car.

 

MAN:                          Any questions, phone the number on the back.

 

The man's colleague in the car starts up the engine.

 

MAN:                          Oh and now Mr Quigley, have a nice day.

He gets into the car and waves to Brian as they drive away.

 

BRIAN:  Take the blasted thing. Mind you don't crash!

 

CUT TO: Rear of the car.

The car drives away. It is a Range Rover, license plate number 96 WW 1858. The rear window is dirty, but some of the dirt has been wiped away by a single wiper blade. As the car drives off screen, Peter comes on screen, carrying his rucksack.

 

PETER:                        Oh, Brian!

 

BRIAN (under his breath):                 God. That's all I need.

He turns and walks away.

 

CUT TO: Brian's house interior.

Brian walks across a hallway into the kitchen. Peter follows him, still carrying his rucksack.

 

PETER (sarcastically):         It's just that my house appears to be full of half-naked women.

 

BRIAN:  Well, we all have our crosses to bear, Father.

 

Peter sets his rucksack down by the kitchen table.

 

PETER:                        You've rented it out, haven't you?

 

BRIAN:                        Erm, it's my house. Not yours. I can't afford to have property sitting empty when there are tourists looking to rent.

 

PETER (indignantly):           I've only been gone for a few weeks. And where's all me stuff?

 

BRIAN:                        It's here. As safe as houses.

He is picking up papers from a long table.

 

PETER:                        Ah well, that's something, I suppose.

He looks around the house.

 

BRIAN:                         I don't mind looking after it for you till you get yourself sorted out. My rates are very competitive.

He walks into the next room, carrying a bunch of papers.

 

PETER (incredulous):  Rates? You're charging me for storage?

 

BRIAN:                        Well, you can take the stuff with you now if it doesn't suit you.

 

PETER:                        And where am I gonna put it?

 

BRIAN:                         I'm afraid that's your problem, Father. I have enough of my own.

He picks up a cardboard box full of junk and sets it down again.

 

PETER:                        Well, is it alright if I use the phone?

He sets off for it without waiting for a reply.

 

BRIAN:                        Erm...

He appears to want to say something, but Peter interrupts.

 

PETER:                        Fr Mac is supposed to help with me accommodation. Maybe...

He picks up the receiver from a wall phone, listens, pushes the lever a couple of times.

 

PETER:                        Your phone's dead.

 

BRIAN:                        What?

 

Peter hangs up the phone, looks at Brian, concerned.

 

PETER:                        Are you alright, Brian?

 

BRIAN (snippily):      Yes I'm fine, thank you, I am absolutely fine.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's interior.

Siobhan enters, holding a folded-up newspaper. Niamh comes out from the kitchen, carrying two vases with flowers.

 

SIOBHAN:                  Hi Niamh.

 

NIAMH:                      Siobhan.

 

Peter is on the phone at the hotel desk.

 

PETER:                        Well, when are you expecting him back? No, he can't call me at home, because I haven't got a home.

 

Niamh is arranging the vases in the reception area. She overhears Peter's conversation.

 

PETER:                        No, no, I don't mean to take out on you. Look, I'm sorry. Well, I'll...try again later.

 

Brendan enters through the pub entrance. He has a folded-up newspaper and some post under his arm. He sees Siobhan sitting at his usual end of the bar. He purposely ignores her and slams the door shut behind him, heads for the other end of the bar.

 

PETER:                        OK. Thanks a lot. Bye.

 

Brendan tosses his papers onto the bar and takes a seat at the end near the kitchen.

 

NIAMH (to Peter, sympathetically):  Sorry. Not much of a welcome back.

 

PETER:                        I take it the church is still there. I mean, your father hasn't rented it out to the Koreans as a karaoke bar?

 

NIAMH:                       The Koreans have gone. That's why he's having such a rough time.

 

Peter sighs as understanding settles in.

 

NIAMH:                      Why don't you stay here, sure?

 

PETER (dubiously):   Here? Well, I suppose...

 

NIAMH:                      You'll have to fend for yourself. Until her ladyship comes back.

 

PETER (suddenly interested):            Have you spoken to Assumpta?

 

NIAMH:                      Oh, yeah.

 

Brendan clears his throat.

 

NIAMH:                      What?

 

BRENDAN                  Has this place become self-service or what?

 

NIAMH (to Peter):     Excuse me.

She goes behind the bar.

 

BRENDAN:                 I'll have a--

 

NIAMH (walks along to Siobhan):   Siobhan, what can I get ya?

 

SIOBHAN:                  The usual please, Niamh.

She peeks down the bar at Brendan.

 

Brendan scoffs. Peter watches this exchange and is puzzled.

 

PETER:                        Brendan, how are you?

He walks slowly over to the bar.

 

BRENDAN:                 Huh? Oh, I'm fine, Father. Yourself?

He opens his newspaper.

 

Peter continues down the bar to Siobhan.

 

PETER:                        Siobhan?

 

Siobhan looks up from her newspaper.

 

PETER:                        How's it going?

 

SIOBHAN (tiredly): Grand, Father. Welcome home.

 

Peter opens his mouth and closes it again, looks confused. Niamh gives him a knowing look and pulls a pint.

 

PETER (to Niamh):  Is it just me or have you left the freezer door open?

 

NIAMH:                      Don't mind then. They've had some sort of argument. You would have to ask Padraig.

 

PETER:                        Yeah, where is he?

 

NIAMH:                      I haven't seen him for a week. He was giving us a rendition of "The Wild Rover" when someone (looks at Brendan) criticised his singing. So he decided to take his talents elsewhere.

 

Peter sinks down on a bar stool.

 

PETER:                        I don't believe this. I leave you alone for a few weeks and you're all at each other's throats.

 

WHITE HAIRED MAN AT THE BAR:        Give us two more pints stout, when you have a moment.

 

NIAMH:                      Coming up, Mr McLogan.

 

ALOYSIUS:                Call me Aloysius. Sure we're in the same trade.

 

Niamh goes down the bar to serve Brendan, then comes back to the taps.

 

NIAMH:                      Aloysius has a pub in Cilldargan, Father.

 

PETER:                        Ah, checking out the competition, he?

 

ALOYSIUS (chuckles):       There's no competition around here. Am I right, Niamh?

 

NIAMH:                      If it's a fight you're looking for, you're in the wrong place.

She pulls another pint.

 

ALOYSIUS:                See, my crowd love the old pub tournaments and everything. Sure, we're that good at singing and games and general knowledge. We've just cleaned about out Wicklow.

 

Peter smiles politely.

 

ALOYSIUS:                I thought I might find a bit of life around here, but... ha ha ha.

 

PETER:                        Oh, it can get very lively in Fitzgerald's.

 

ALOYSIUS (laughs): No disrespect, Father, but I've seen livelier sheep run over in the road.

 

PETER:                        No disrespect to you, Mr McLogan, but the regulars here could out sing, out wit and out play your crowd any day of the week.

 

ALOYSIUS:                Them's fighting words.

 

PETER:                        Name your event.

 

ALOYSIUS:                That wouldn't be fair. Not on these culchies.

 

PETER:                        Suit yourself. You talk a good game.

 

ALOYSIUS:                Alright. A battle of the bars. Winner takes all.

 

NIAMH:                      Winner takes all what?

She sets two full pints down in front of Aloysius.

 

ALOYSIUS:                Eh, I'll go easy on you. A box of crisps.

 

NIAMH:                      Ah, they're terrible cheapskates in Cilldargan. A barrel of stout.

 

ALOYSIUS:                Two barrels.

 

NIAMH:                      Three.

 

ALOYSIUS:                Done.

He spits into his hand and holds it out.

 

Niamh spits into her hand and shakes his.

 

NIAMH:                      And the match takes place here in Fitzgerald's.

 

ALOYSIUS:                What? Oh no, just a minute--

 

NIAMH:                      Oh you're after shaking on it. And in front of a priest as well.

 

ALOYSIUS:                Alright so. Suit yourselves. But it'll be an expensive education.

He grins and chuckles.

 

ALOYSIUS:                I'll drop these back and then we can work out the details further.

He walks away from the bar, carrying the two pints.

 

NIAMH (leans over to Peter, urgently, whispering):     Have you gone totally mad?

 

PETER:                        Well you seemed keen enough.

 

NIAMH:                      That's just cause that ignorant git got me blood up. How're you gonna make a team up out of this lot when they won't even speak to each other?

 

PETER:                        But that's just it. This place needs a big event to get everybody talking again.

 

NIAMH:                      We've already had one of those.

 

Kieran cries.

 

NIAMH:                      I shouldn't have said anything.

She walks away.

 

Peter frowns in confusion.

 

CUT TO: Kitchen.

Niamh enters and goes over to Kieran.

 

NIAMH:                      What is it pet, hm?

She leans over and picks the baby up.

 

PETER:                        What's all the mystery?

 

NIAMH:                      It's not my place to tell you.

She holds Kieran.

 

PETER:                        I'm your priest. If you can't confide in me...

 

NIAMH:                      You remember Assumpta's old boyfriend Leo from college?

 

PETER:                        The reporter who came to cover the election? What about him?

 

NIAMH:                      He got married.

 

PETER:                        Oh. Who to?

 

Niamh looks meaningfully at Peter.

 

Peter hesitates a moment, looks from Kieran to Niamh.

 

PETER:                        Assumpta?

 

NIAMH:                      They met to London. Got married in some registry office. No friends, no family. First I heard of it was a phone call.

 

Peter is visibly shaken. He can't quite look Niamh in the eye.

 

PETER:                        Assumpta is a grown woman. She can make her own decisions. Listen, I've gotta go and start on organising this tournament. Is it alright if I leave my stuff in the bar?

 

NIAMH:                      Yeah.

 

Peter heads for the door.

 

PETER:                        I won't say anything.

He leaves.

 

Niamh looks at Kieran, then after Peter, troubled.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's exterior.

Peter walks out from the hotel entrance. The streets are wet, but it is sunny. He takes a few steps into the street, aimlessly, turns and looks at the pub.

 

FLASHBACK:

Fitzgerald's interior.

 

Leo:    Now, you know that I like mustard on me sandwiches.

 

Assumpta turns around.

 

Assumpta:       Leo! What the hell are you doing here??

 

They hug. Peter and Michael watch them politely.

 

CUT BACK.

Peter looks up the street toward the church.

 

SCENE: St. Joseph's interior.

The door opens from outside. Peter enters. He looks around. He walks up the aisle, genuflects, then goes into the sacristy.

 

CUT TO: Sacristy interior.

 

FLASHBACK

 

Leo:    There was something I wanted to ask you. About Assumpta.

 

Peter:  Yeah?

 

Leo:    You see, when we were at college we were... very close.

He smiles self-consiously.

 

Peter:  You were in love.

 

Leo:    I don't think I've ever really loved anyone else.

 

CUT BACK.

Peter looks into the distance. Leo's words echo in his head.

 

SCENE: River.

The water is flowing under the bridge.

 

CUT TO: Bridge.

Peter is standing on the bridge and staring into the water. Ambrose drives past in his car.

 

AMBROSE:                Father Clifford! Welcome back to BallyK! Are you well?

 

Peter turns and waves to Ambrose, gives him a big smile.

 

PETER:                        Great, thanks Ambrose.

 

AMBROSE:                Catch you later.

He waves his hand out the window and drives away.

 

Peter watches him go and his smile fades.

 

CUT TO: Street.

Peter is walking along a street. He steps into the street just as a red van whips past, startling him. Aloysius leans out of the passenger window.

 

ALOYSIUS:                Nearly brought you closer to God that time Father! See you Friday!!

He waves.

 

Peter breathes heavily and looks stressed.

 

SCENE: Padraig's garage interior.

Padraig enters, carrying a car battery.

 

PADRAIG:                  What makes you think I'd be interested in some old pub tournament?

He sets the battery down on the counter.

 

PETER:                        Because it's for the village. And you're the life and soul of the party.

 

PADRAIG:                  Not according to some people. Do you want me to fit that for you?

 

PETER:                        Eh, no, no it's alright.

He pulls some notes out of his pocket and walks over to the counter, hands Padraig the money, sniffles.

 

PETER:                        What's the story with Brendan and Siobhan?

 

PADRAIG (busy at the cash register):             Eh, he was going on about the fishing and she got bored and said he never got worked up about anything else and that he was a bit of a cold fish himself and he took the home.

He hands Peter his change.

 

PETER:                        That's it?

 

PADRAIG:                  I know. Grown man sulking over a little thing like that. Pity.

He walks away toward the door.

 

PETER (sarcastically):         Not the sort of thing you'd do.

He picks up the battery.

 

PADRAIG (over his shoulder):          I don't know what you mean, Father.

He walks out into a shed.

 

CUT TO: Shed.

The shed is full of big bags, either of road salt or peat or something like that. Padraig walks through it. Peter follows, carrying his battery.

 

PETER:                        Come on, Padraig. I know they teased you about your singing.

 

PADRAIG:                  They said I had a voice like a bird.

 

PETER:                        So, what's the problem?

 

PADRAIG:                  A strangling crow to be precise.

He leans over to pick up a tyre. He fits it over a metal pole.

 

PETER:                        Yeah well I don't and I think you should represent BallyK in this tournament in the singing event.

 

PADRAIG:                  Me?

He looks up from the tyre, points at himself.

 

PETER:                        Yeah.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's interior.

Siobhan is sitting at her end of the bar. She has a glass of ale in her hand. She coughs slightly, looked surprised.

 

SIOBHAN:                  Padraig, singing?

 

PETER (pedantically):         Look, the point is not so much to win as to take part.

 

Brendan is sitting at the far end of the bar, reading a newspaper.

 

SIOBHAN:                  That's just as well.

 

PETER:                        Can I put you two up for the quiz team?

 

SIOBHAN:                  Go on. I love flaunting my ignorance.

 

Peter looks at Brendan, who makes a gesture of resignation with his left hand and goes back to his newspaper. Niamh is cleaning up behind the bar.

 

PETER:                        Great.

He makes a note on a pad of paper in front of him.

 

PETER:                        So that just leaves the yard of ale and the dominoes.

 

Niamh takes a stack of napkins off of a stack of plates.

 

SIOBHAN (to Brendan):     Well?

 

Everyone looks at Brendan. He looks up from his newspaper.

 

BRENDAN:                 Well what?

 

SIOBHAN:                  Brendan is hiding his light under a bushel.

 

NIAMH:                      You're looking at the domino king of BallyK.

 

BRENDAN:                 That was a long time ago. Anyway, it's no use unless you have a decent partner.

He looks at his newspaper again.

 

NIAMH:                      Well what about Siobhan? Can't you coach her?

 

BRENDAN (rolls his eyes):                 Ha! If she doesn't mind taking lesson from a cold fish.

 

SIOBHAN (inhales):            Do I smell burning martyr?

 

PETER (irritated):       For God's sake, both of you grow up. There's enough misery in the world without you two adding to it.

Can I put you down for the domino's team yes or no?

 

BRENDAN:                 Fine. Okay.

He seems to have been softened by Peter's outburst.

 

SIOBHAN:                  Sure.

She looks more closely at Peter.

 

PETER:                        Great.

 

SCENE: Michael's place exterior.

A garda car drives into the circular driveway. A sign hangs on a post. It reads "Dr. Michael Ryan MB.BS.DCH. -- Tel: 0409 35177 -- SURGERY -- Mon-Fri 2-7 Sat 11-1"

 

CUT TO: Window.

A window has been smashed. Michael is inspecting the damage from the inside. He shakes his head and walks away.

 

CUT TO: Doorway.

Ambrose, in uniform, knocks at the open door.

 

AMBROSE:                Morning doctor. I understand there was a break in last night?

He enters.

 

CUT TO: Office interior.

Michael is crouching down on the floor, in the midst of a mess of papers. Before him is a filing cabinet with all the drawers pulled out and the contents emptied.

 

MICHAEL:                  Ambrose. Oh no no, no, we...we always keep the place looking like this.

He puts something down and picks up a paper.

 

AMBROSE:                Did they go through the house as well?

 

MICHAEL:                  Come with me.

He puts the paper down and stands up.

 

CUT TO: Examining room interior.

There are boxes and a turned-over wastebasket on the floor. Michael steps over them.

 

MICHAEL: This is what they were really after. It's where I keep the prescription drugs, for emergencies.

He flips the broken cover of a metal wall cabinet.

 

MICHAEL:                  Kept them.

 

AMBROSE:                Don't touch anything, please. There's detectives on the way from Cilldargan.

 

MICHEL:                     I can't leave things the way they are, Ambrose.  I've got patients waiting outside.

 

AMBROSE:                You haven't, actually. I've sent them home.

 

MICHAEL:                  Really. I suppose you gave them two aspirins and told them to pull themselves together.

 

AMBROSE:                No doctor.

 

MICHAEL (sighs):    Pity. Could have saved me the trouble.

He pats Ambrose on the shoulder and they both look around at the trashed room.

 

SCENE: Padraig's filling station exterior.

Padraig is putting petrol into a beat-up red car. Brian is at the wheel.

 

PADRAIG (sings):

Twas on a fine March morning, I bid New Orleans adieu.

And took me down to Jackson Town, me fortunes to renew.

 

Brian puts his hat over his face and sighs, obviously embarrassed at Padraig's singing.

 

PADRAIG (sings):

My course got far and ?? no credit did I gain

 

Brian starts to roll up his window, but the handle breaks off. Brian tosses the broken handle onto the seat next to him.

 

PADRAIG (sings):    

But still ??, the hills upon Churchain.

 

Brian gets out of the car.

 

PADRAIG:                  It's a bit down market for you, Brian.

 

BRIAN:                        It's a vintage model. I'm minding it for a collector.

He pays Padraig.

 

PADRAIG:                  That's handy.

He walks away.

 

A sheep bleats.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's interior.

Siobhan is at her end of the bar, looking at a newspaper spread out on the bar top. Niamh is leaning on the bar, bored. A newspaper rustles. Niamh looks at the other end of the bar. Brendan is sitting at the far end of the bar with a half-full pint of Guinness in front of him. He shakes out his newspaper and settles down to reading it. Niamh and Siobhan both sigh slightly and resume their previous positions. The door opens. Niamh straightens up.

 

NIAMH:                      Padraig.

 

Padraig enters, walks up to the bar. He looks from one end to the other. Brendan glances up, then returns to his newspaper. Padraig sets himself in the middle of the bar

 

PADRAIG:                  Pint please, Niamh.

 

Niamh goes to get it. Brendan looks at Padraig again, then at his newspaper.

 

NIAMH:                      Well, it's nice to have everyone talking again.

 

ASSUMPTA:             Hi Niamh.

She walks in through the hotel entrance. She is wearing a blue flower-print skirt and a brown suede jacket.

 

ASSUMPTA:             See you've rounded up the usual suspects.

 

NIAMH (whispers):  Assumpta.

 

Leo walks in. He is wearing a red pullover and a black jacket. He is holding a bottle of wine.

 

LEO:                             Are you three still propping up the bar? You must be a national monument by now.

 

PADRAIG:                  Leo, ye old scallamaxit (??). Long time no see.

 

SIOBHAN:                  Where's the camera crew? You chasing another story?

 

LEO:                             You could say I've landed an exclusive. May I introduce... my wife.

 

Padraig and Siobhan crane their necks, looking around for someone else. Niamh gives a tight smile.

 

ASSUMPTA:             Don't all congratulate us at once.

 

NIAMH:                      Come here you.

She comes out from behind the bar.

 

Siobhan and Padraig get up from their stools.

 

SIOBHAN:                  That's wonderful. Well-- It's great! Well done the two of ya.

 

Brendan remains seated. He looks pensive.

 

PADRAIG:                  Congratulations Assumpta. Well done.

He shakes Assumpta's hand.

 

Siobhan kisses Leo on the cheek and shakes his hand.

 

LEO:                             Thank you.

 

PADRAIG:                  Well done, Leo.

He shakes hands with Leo.

 

LEO:                             All right.

 

Niamh walks back over to the bar. Siobhan stands near Brendan.

 

SIOBHAN:                  You'll have to forgive Brendan. For getting all emotional.

She gives him a pointed look.

 

Brendan smiles, gets up, goes over and hugs Assumpta. He shakes Leo's hand.

 

LEO:                             Thank you.

 

Peter enters from the pub entrance. He looks over and sees everyone.

 

PETER:                        Hi Assumpta. And Leo, hello.

He does not seem at all surprised to see the two of them.

 

SIOBHAN:                  They're married, Father.

 

Peter does a fair to middling attempt at reacting as if he didn't know. He walks over to the group.

 

PETER: They're married? You two? Well, that's fantastic. Both of you.

He shakes Leo's hand.

 

LEO:                             Thanks Father. Your advice paid off...eventually.

 

PETER (avoids looking at Assumpta):             You couldn't have chosen a better man.

 

Assumpta smiles, knowing he's wrong.

 

SCENE: Michael's office.

Michael is crouching down on the floor, looking through some of the papers still scattered on the floor. Brian knocks at the door.

 

MICHAEL:                  Hello Brian. I don't often see you around here.

He stands up, holding a folder that he is still looking through.

 

MICHAEL:                  Has your Dublin specialist doctor got lost on the golf course again?

 

BRIAN:                        No. I'm actually here to help you, Michael. I heard you had a break in last night.

He looks around.

 

BRIAN:                        They've done a lot of damage.

 

MICHAEL:                  You're not going into the protection racket are you?

 

BRIAN:                        Um...a hundred pounds, glass included. I'll have it finished by teatime.

 

MICHAEL:                   That's very generous of you, Brian, but erm...

 

BRIAN:                        That's all right, I'll get in all stuck in straight away.

 

Liam and Donal appear outside the broken window.

 

DONAL:                      Doctor, will you want to keep this broken glass-- Oh hello Mr Quigley.

 

BRIAN:                        What the hell are you doing here?

 

LIAM:                          Ah, fixing the window, Mr Quigley.

 

MICHAEL:                  No, Donal, I don't think so.

 

DONAL:                      Right.

 

Liam and Donal disappear.

 

MICHAEL:                  Um, himself and Liam turned up ten minutes ago. They're only charging me sixty.

 

BRIAN:                        Oh. Fair enough.

 

CUT TO: Michael's house exterior.

Brian exits the house, looking around behind him. From around the corner Liam watches him leave. Liam goes back behind the house and picks up a ladder.

 

LIAM:                          Whoo, he's not a happy camper.

He sets the ladder up underneath the broken window.

 

Donal is holding a tattered yellow paperback book.

 

DONAL:                      He throwing this away too?

 

LIAM:                          No Donal, he's probably just run out of shelf-space.

He mounts the ladder and starts removing the broken parts of the window.

 

DONAL:                      A Guide To Modern Philosophy. Looks like a good one.

 

LIAM:                          Yeah, right, just the thing for that wobbly table of yours.

He removes part of the broken frame.

 

Donal stows the book in his inner jacket pocket.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's.

Niamh and Assumpta come out the kitchen.

 

ASSUMPTA:             You have everything  under control. I hardly needed to come back.

 

NIAMH:                      I wasn't expecting you back so soon. Actually, I thought you weren't coming back at all.

 

ASSUMPTA:             So did I. Well, everything's different now.

 

NIAMH:                      Oh?

 

Leo struggles in the hotel entrance, hands full of suitcases.

 

LEO:                             Please, don't worry about me. I'll be fine.

 

NIAMH:                      Want the porter to give you a hand with those?

 

LEO (believing her):  You have a porter?

 

ASSUMPTA:             I have now.

 

LEO (catching on):    Oh, yeah I see. Right away, Ma'am.

 

SCENE: Curate's house exterior.

Peter is removing the old battery from his car. The ladies who are staying in his house arrive.

 

PETER:                        Hello.

 

The women go inside. Peter bends over the engine again. He looks over his shoulder as the door closes.

 

PETER:                        Hiya.

 

Assumpta walks up from the street. She is wearing the same blue skirt from before, but has taken off the suede jacket. Now she has on a blue cardigan.

 

ASSUMPTA:             We didn't really get a chance to talk back there. How was your time away?

She stands right next to Peter.

 

PETER:                        It was okay, thanks.

 

ASSUMPTA:             Good. Oh, Niamh told me about this tournament thing. It's a great idea.

She crosses her arms.

 

PETER:                        It's a stupid idea. Don't know why I get involved. If people want to waste their lives squabbling with each other, who am I to spoil their fun?

He takes the old battery out of the car and puts it down on the ground.

 

ASSUMPTA (attempting humor):     You're a priest. Spoiling fun is your job.

 

Peter lifts the new battery from where it was resting on the engine block and positions it. He sets to work fixing it in place.

 

PETER (glumly):         Yeah, right.

 

ASSUMPTA:             Oh, come on. You're doing it because you care. You're good at bringing people together, helping them to make sense of their lives. It was thanks to you I finally realised that I needed to sort out--

 

PETER:                        Please...no.

 

ASSUMPTA:             Peter, would you look at me when I'm talking to you?

 

Peter looks at her.

 

PETER:                        Assumpta...

In that one word, he expresses everything.

 

Assumpta, stricken, realizes what she has done.

 

ASSUMPTA:             I tell you what, hey. We can get all the tournament takings and put it toward the church roof.

 

PETER:                        Thanks, er, but there's nothing wrong with the church roof.

 

ASSUMPTA:             Oh, right. Well, maybe we can send Father Mac on a pilgrimage. Don't they have any shrines at Alaska?

 

PETER:                        Do you think Leo would be interested in being on the quiz team?

 

ASSUMPTA:             Why don't you ask him yourself? Aren't you gonna stay at our place?

 

PETER:                        Actually, no, er, I've already made other arrangements.

 

ASSUMPTA:             Well, you're not gonna stay in that thing, are you?

 

PETER:                        Why not? Sacraments on wheels. 24 hours a day. Christenings, confessions... instant weddings.

 

ASSUMPTA:             Right. I'll see you later.

 

PETER:                        Yeah. Bye.

 

Assumpta leaves.

 

SCENE: Road.

Peter driving his car along a dirt road. He appears to have some trouble with the steering. He stops the car at the side of the road. Peter bangs his fist against the interior roof of the car. He unbuckles his seat belt and gets out. He walks around to the front of the car and opens the hood. Michael drives up in his car. He stops.

 

MICHAEL:                  Well since you'd ask, I'd love to help.

 

PETER:                        Thanks Michael, but I think I should sort out me own problems.

 

MICHAEL:                  Not on the car, on the quiz team.

 

PETER:                        Quiz team?

 

MICHAEL:                  Peter. Don't let it ruin your life. It's only a hunk of tin.

 

PETER:                        Oh. The tournament. Yeah. Yeah, well that'd be great.

 

MICHAEL:                  Course I might not be much use.

 

PETER:                        Oh, I'm sure you'll be useful. If only to band up the wounded.

 

MICHAEL:                  Will you be able to manage?

 

PETER:                        Yeah, yeah, fine.

 

Michael nods.

 

PETER:                        Yeah.

 

MICHAEL:                  Cheerio then.

He waves and drives away.

 

Peter looks at the engine and scratches his forehead. He turns around and leans against the car.

 

CUT TO: Another part of the road.

Liam and Donal come walking along the road. Donal is carrying a bag over his shoulder.

 

LIAM:                           60 quid. That's not bad for half a day's work.

 

DONAL:                      Mhm.

 

LIAM:                          Let see... 20 pounds for the glass, 10 for the putty and the fittings... What was the frame?

 

They come to a truck. Donal puts the bag in the back of the truck. Liam hooks his arm over the back of the truck.

 

DONAL:                      35 pounds including VAT.

He removes his work gloves.

 

LIAM (mutters to himself): 35 pounds, 30...

He counts on his fingers.

 

Donal stows his gloves in the front pocket of his jacket.

 

LIAM:                          You mean that cost 65 quid for us to fix the doc's window and we only charged him sixty?

 

DONAL:                      Cash upfront but.

 

LIAM:                          For Jesus' sake, Donal.

He leans back against the truck, looks away, disgusted.

 

PETER:                        Hello boys!

 

LIAM:                          Ah, how're you, Father?

 

Peter walks down toward Liam and Donal.

 

PETER:                        How's it going?

 

Liam and Donal walk toward Peter.

 

LIAM:                          Ah great. We're giving money away.

 

PETER:                        Listen, did I once hear you say you could drink a yard of ale?

 

LIAM:                          Oh, yeah. But right now we couldn't even afford an inch of lemonade.

 

DONAL:                      A yard of ale?

 

PETER:                        English pub game. McLogan wants to play it in this tournament, probably because he thinks no one around here has ever heard of it.

 

DONAL:                      Ho ho ho ho.

 

LIAM:                          I've tried it a couple of times. That was when I was off in England, but--

 

PETER:                        In Ballykay, that makes you an expert. Ah come on. At the very least it will cheer you up.

 

LIAM:                          Are you, a man of the cloth, advising me to seek consolation in drinking?

 

PETER:                        Er... yeah.

 

LIAM:                          Okay. Count me in.

 

DONAL:                      Here, can I be substitute?

 

PETER:                        Only if you're both up to it.

 

LIAM:                          Us? Oh, we're fighting fit, Father.

He puts his arm around Donal's shoulder.

 

LIAM:                          Ready to go.

He removes his arm from Donal's shoulder and puts his hand in his front jeans pocket.

 

PETER:                        In that case...

He puts his arms around both Donal's and Liam's shoulders.

 

PETER:                        You can help push start me car.

 

DONAL:                      Aw.

 

LIAM:                          I knew there was a catch.

 

They set off toward Peter's car.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's interior.

Assumpta's cleaning up in the background. Brendan and Siobhan are sitting at a table with dominoes spread out on it.

 

BRENDAN:                 This is the signal to tap.

He taps the tip of his nose quickly with his forefinger.

 

Siobhan imitates him. Brendan points at her to indicate that is correct.

 

BRENDAN:                 To play your passes back to me.

 

SIOBHAN:                  Sort of ??

 

Assumpta carries some empty glasses back behind the bar. Leo is behind the bar, manning the taps.

 

BRENDAN:                 It's all in the psychology. See the opponents will bang down the tiles. They'll whistle, they'll interrupt, make remarks. Just fix your concentration on the tiles. Don't let anything rattle you.

 

SIOBHAN:                  Must be useful to be a cold fish so.

She reaches across the table for a domino.

 

BRENDAN:                 Oh is that it is it? Is that it? Well, if you're not gonna take it seriously--

 

SIOBHAN:                  Ah come on Brendan. It's hardly five card stud.

 

BRENDAN:                 Oh well now since you're such an expert, you would be alright on your own then, won't you?

He stands up, picks up his jacket from the back of the chair and heads for the door.

 

BRENDAN:                           I don't know why I bother.

He slams the door.

 

ASSUMPTA:             Ah, Siobhan!

 

SIOBHAN:                  What?!

 

Assumpta looks at Leo who has just finished pouring a Guinness.

 

ASSUMPTA:             It's not bad for a beginner.

She dries a glass.

 

LEO:                             Not bad? It's a work of art.

He takes a sip of his artwork.

 

ASSUMPTA:             Leo, this is a business. There's enough artwork in the toilets.

 

LEO:                             Mm. Oh I had a little chat with Father Peter earlier.

 

ASSUMPTA:             Oh yeah?

 

LEO:                             Yeah, about me joining the quiz team.

 

ASSUMPTA:             Oh, right. What did you say?

 

LEO:                             Well I told him I don't now much about liver fluke or pasteurizing cattle, but I'll be here all the same.

 

ASSUMPTA:             Where else would you be?

 

Siobhan slaps the domino set down on the bar and takes her place on her stool.

 

ASSUMPTA (to Siobhan): How old are you?

 

SCENE: St. Joseph's exterior. Night.

Black clouds drift across the full moon over the church.

 

CUT TO: Sacristy interior.

Peter is trying to get comfortable in a sleeping bag on the floor. A travel alarm clock on a low table reads 12:50. Something clatters. Peter is alert. He looks at the sacristy door. It opens a crack. Peter gets out of his sleeping bag, trying to be quiet. The door opens further. A hand shows, pushing the door slowly open. Peter quickly grabs a long candle and bashes the hand with it.

 

INTRUDER:                Ah!

 

Peter gets the door open and rushes out.

 

CUT TO: Exterior door.

Peter stands in the doorway, but the intruder has apparently escaped. Peter inspects the doorknob. He slams the door shut.

 

SCENE: Sacristy interior. Morning.

Peter rinses out a razor in the sink. Ambrose is looking at the exterior door, whose lock appears to have been jimmied.

 

AMBROSE:                Quarter to one? What were you doing here at a quarter to one?

 

PETER:                        It wasn't me who was trying to break in, Ambrose.

He has shaving cream over half his face. He rinses the razor again.

 

AMBROSE:                And you cracked him across the knuckles with this?

He inspects a long white candle.

 

AMBROSE:                I suppose we could send it off to Dublin to get DNA samples off the fragments of skin.

 

PETER:                        You're kidding!

 

AMBROSE:                Sorry. Yes, I was. It's just there not much else to go on. You didn't see his face?

 

PETER:                        Nope.

He shaves around his mouth.

 

AMBROSE:                It's probably the same guy who turned over the doctor's place. I've asked Cilldargan for some back up but they can't spare anyone till Monday.

 

PETER:                        That makes me feel much better.

He finishes shaving.

 

AMBROSE:                He's hardly likely to come back. Not with you living over the shop.

 

Peter turns away from the mirror, drying his face with a blue towel.

 

AMBROSE:                You've missed a bit.

 

Peter turns and looks in the mirror.

 

PETER:                        Oh, thanks.

 

Ambrose puts the candle down on top of a cabinet and picks up his hat, which was on top of the cabinet.

 

AMBROSE:                One of the joys of married life, Father. Someone to check for soap in your ears.

He puts on his hat.

 

Peter smiles ruefully and dries his hands on the blue towel.

 

SCENE: School yard.

The yard is empty.

 

BRENDAN (voice echoing off-screen):           Okay. Out you go. Break time.

 

A chorus of children's voices cheers.

 

BRENDAN:                 No pushing.

 

Children run out into the yard. Peter is walking across the yard towards the door. The children nearly run him over. Peter greets a few.

 

PETER:                        Hey Natasha. Hey ya! Hey Richard.

 

Brendan walks out, carrying a soccer  ball (sorry! football).

 

BRENDAN:                 Morning Father.

 

PETER:                        Morning. Hey ya.

 

BRENDAN:                 Walk! Don't run! Walk, I said.

He throws the ball at the kids.

 

BRENDAN:                 Well, might as well talk to the wall.

 

Brendan and Peter walk a few steps away from the building.

 

PETER:                        Siobhan tells me you two had another disagreement last night.

 

BRENDAN:                 Siobhan thinks dominoes are easy. Now she can find out the hard way.

 

PETER:                        You know Brendan, you're spending far too much time with these kids.

 

BRENDAN:                 Yeah, well they make a lot more sense than most people, if you know what I mean.

 

PETER:                        Ah well that's true. But they can also be very cruel, can't they?

 

BRENDAN:                 Cruel? How do you mean?

 

PETER:                        Well, the way they use nicknames for example. I mean imagine if that lot somehow found out that your old nickname was Baggy Boy. Well your life wouldn't be worth living, would it?

 

BRENDAN (whispers):       I told you that in confidence!

 

PETER:                        Yes, but not in the confessional.

 

BRENDAN:                 What?! That's blackmail! You wouldn't. You couldn't.

 

PETER:                        It's up to you. You can either turn up tonight and play for the village or stay at home and sulk. It's your choice. Baggy.

He walks away.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's interior.

Assumpta's at the bar. It's crowded. The phone rings. Assumpta hands a customer a pint and takes payment.

 

ASSUMPTA:             Leo!

 

The phone rings again.

 

ASSUMPTA:             Leo!

 

The phone rings again.

 

ASSUMPTA:             Leo!!

 

Leo comes out of the kitchen and picks up the phone at the hotel reception desk.

 

LEO:                             Hello? Mackey, you old hack. Oh, you know, breeding fleas, knitting turf, the usual crap.

 

Assumpta comes over to eavesdrop.

 

LEO:                             So, what's the gossip? You never! Who've you got covering it?

 

ASSUMPTA (mouths):       No way, no!

 

LEO:                             No Sean I can't. No really. Yeah. Okay, I'm on my way.

He hangs up.

 

ASSUMPTA:             Ah, Leo.

 

Leo steps into the kitchen and grabs his jacket from the kitchen table.

 

LEO:                              I'll be back. An hour, ninety minutes, tops.

He leaves.

 

CUT TO: Fitzgerald's exterior.

Leo comes out of the hotel entrance, putting on his jacket. He gets into a black convertible which is parked right in front. Brian, walking along the street, watches him drive off. Brian walks up the steps to Hendley's. Kathleen is standing out in front.

 

BRIAN:                        McGarvey. One sniff of trouble and the vultures close in.

He picks a newspaper from the rack outside the store.

 

KATHLEEN:               Who's in trouble?

 

BRIAN:                        No one. But what's he doing here?

 

KATHLEEN:               Have you not heard?

 

BRIAN:                        What?

 

KATHLEEN:               Him and Assumpta Fitzgerald are married.

 

BRIAN:                        Married? Assumpta?

 

KATHLEEN:               Supposedly. Not that anyone around here saw the wedding.

 

BRIAN:                        Oh now have a bit of charity, Kathleen. Sure the man must be deranged. If he's not he soon will be.

He enters the shop.

 

A white van drives down from the road leading up to the church. McLogan and several others get out of it.

 

ALOYSIUS:                Okay boys and girls, we're here. Now remember the golden rule. First we loot and pillage and then we burn!

 

CROWD:                     Yeah!

They head for the pub entrance.

 

ALOYSIUS:                Ha ha ha ha.

 

SCENE: Egan's living room interior.

Ambrose is sitting in an armchair with a newspaper. Niamh puts Kieran in Ambrose's arms.

 

NIAMH:                      Time for a bit of father-son bonding. I'm off.

 

AMBROSE (sighs):   I'll never get him to sleep.

 

Niamh checks her hair in a mirror on the wall.

 

NIAMH:                      Read him one of your reports. It works for me. Take him for a walk. I'll be back at eleven.

She kisses Kieran on the head.

 

NIAMH:                      Bye.

She leaves.

 

AMBROSE:                Bye.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's interior.

Peter enters the bar. The place is jumping. "Rock Around The Clock" is playing. A big professionally printed banner hanging across the room reads "Battle of the Bars Fitzgerald's V McLogan's". Assumpta is behind the bar, lining up pints of Guinness. Peter cracks his knuckles and walks over to the corner, where Padraig is setting up the scoreboard.

 

PETER:                        Hi.

 

Michael enters.

 

MICHAEL:                  Assumpta. Congratulations.

He walks over to the bar.

 

ASSUMPTA:             Thank you.

 

MICHAEL:                  Well where's the man.

 

Peter looks over, apparently interested in hearing the answer to that as well. He hands a microphone to Padraig. The microphone squeaks.

 

ASSUMPTA:             Working.

 

MICHAEL:                  Ah.

 

PADRAIG (voice off screen, amplified):          One two, one two.

Padraig is testing the microphone.

 

PADRAIG:                  Can't you hear me in the back?

 

CROWD:                     Yes!

 

SIOBHAN:                  Unfortunately!

 

Padraig replaces the microphone in its stand. Peter laughs. Brendan enters and walks over to the bar next to Siobhan.

 

SIOBHAN:                  The maestro has honoured us with his presence.

 

Peter walks over.

 

PETER:                        Brendan, you made it! Thanks.

 

BRENDAN:                 Well, you said it was for the sake of the village, so.

 

Peter walks away, keeping his secret.

 

SCENE: Egan's living room interior.

Ambrose walks around with Kieran on his shoulder. Ambrose is singing.

 

AMBROSE (singing):       

Sweetest little fellow, everybody knows.

Don't know what to call him, but it might hear (??) like a rose.

Looking at his daddy, with eyes so shiny blue...

 

Kieran gurgles. Ambrose smiles.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's interior.

Donal brings two pints of stout to a table and sets them down. Liam is already sitting there.

 

LIAM:                          Donal, I'm gonna be drinking a yard of ale.

 

DONAL:                      Thought you could do with some practice.

He picks up a glass and takes a sip.

 

At the bar, Peter sits down on a stool next to Michael and yawns.

 

NIAMH:                      Ambrose told me you spent the night in the sacristy.

 

Assumpta is working behind the bar and hears their conversation.

 

PETER:                        Yeah, well, um, it's a bit more peaceful than here. And it's handy for work. Perfect.

 

NIAMH:                      So you wouldn't be interested in our spare room then?

 

PETER:                        Oh yes, yes, I would love your spare room.

 

Niamh smiles.

 

PETER (to Assumpta):        Where's Leo? Going out for the quiz, is he?

 

ASSUMPTA:             He'll be here. He said he'd be here, he'll be here.

 

She and Niamh smile at each other. Peter takes a sip of his drink. Niamh walks away.

 

FR MAC:                     Ah. Assumpta.

He appears next to Peter.

 

Peter looks perturbed.

 

FR MAC:                     Someone has been spreading wild rumours about you getting married.

 

ASSUMPTA:             Oh, anything to keep you happy, Father.

 

FR MAC:                     Congratulations.

 

Assumpta gives him a sneaky look and leaves.

 

PETER:                        Father.

 

FR MAC:                     I thought you could do with a...a referee or some neutral person to keep an eye on things.

 

PADRAIG (over at the mike, to Peter):             Father, you're on.

 

Peter looks over at Padraig, signals to him with his hand.

 

PETER (to Fr Mac):   Well, that's very kind of you, Father. Thank you.

 

FR MAC:                     Not at all.

 

Peter steps up to the mike.

 

PETER:                        Hello ladies and gentlemen, good evening.

 

CROWD:                     Good evening.

 

PETER:                        And welcome to the battle of the bars!

 

The crowd cheers.

 

PETER:                        As we start our first event, the singing event. Please give a big hand for McLogan's contender Aisling!

 

Applause.

 

A pretty young woman gets up from the table where McLogan is sitting and walks through the pub to the microphone.

 

BRENDAN:                 Boo!

 

Padraig puts his hand on Brendan's shoulder and restrains him.

 

PADRAIG:                  Oh, not so lad. You're treading it.(??)

 

BRENDAN:                 Oh I'm sorry.

 

Aisling takes the mike. Peter steps down.

 

MICHAEL:                  Poor girl is terrified.

 

PADRAIG:                  Yeah and she hasn't even heard me singing yet.

 

SIOBHAN:                  That's true. She doesn't know what terror is.

 

The crowd quiets down. Everyone turns their attention to Aisling.

 

AISLING (sings):

Oh, love is decent and love is pleasing

Love is a pleasure when first it's new.

 

Peter looks touched. Assumpta looks entranced.

 

AISLING (sings):

But as love grows older and love grows colder

And fades away like the morning dew.

 

Brendan looks at Padraig. Padraig sinks down on the bar top and hides his face in his hand.

 

AISLING (sings, with crowd):

I wish, I wish, I wish in vain.

I wish I was a maid again.

 

Fr Mac looks at Assumpta. Assumpta looks uncertainly at Fr Mac.

 

AISLING (sings, with crowd):

But a maid again, I ne'er shall be

Till the apples grow on an ivy tree.

 

Niamh watches attentively.

 

AISLING (sings, alone):

Forgive me love, if I forsook you

 

Assumpta glances at Peter 

 

AISLING:

I was mistaken, I never knew

But what cannot be cured, love must be endured

 

Peter sighs, looks slowly over at Assumpta. She quickly looks away.

 

AISLING (sings):

Love 'tis as ivy till the day I die.

 

Applause and cheers. Peter sits for a moment, obviously touched. Then he smiles sadly and starts clapping, too. Assumpta walks away. Peter gets up and starts to go to the microphone. Padraig grabs him, shakes his head, and goes to the microphone himself.

 

PADRAIG (hoarsely):         Ladies and gentlemen, due to a sudden and unexpected bout of laryngitis, I won't be able to sing tonight, so I'm handing the event over to you.

 

Assumpta looks amused. Niamh looks angry. She goes to the end of the bar. Cilldargan cheers.

 

NIAMH:                      Padraig, are we just gonna roll over and give this one away?

 

ASSUMPTA:             Sure, what's the big deal? It's only for some old cup or something, is it?

 

Niamh walks away. Assumpta looks surprised.

 

PETER:                        While the contestants take their places for the dominoes match...

He gestures toward the far end of the pub.

 

Brendan and Siobhan pick up their drinks and walk down the length of the pub.

 

PETER:                        Here in the main arena it's time for the yard of ale.

 

CUT TO: Fitzgerald's exterior.

Ambrose is pushing Kieran's pram. He whistles the same tune he sang earlier.

 

PETER (voice from inside the pub):  And here's Fitzgerald's contender, Liam!

 

CUT TO: Fitzgerald's interior.

Cheers. Donal pats Liam firmly on the shoulder. Liam stands up and removes his jacket.

 

CUT TO: Fireplace.

At the far end of the pub, Siobhan and Brendan are getting ready for dominoes. An older couple is taking seats at the table.

 

SIOBHAN:                  Holy Mother of God. You think they'll last through the match?

 

BRENDAN:                 Remember what I told you. No mercy.

 

CUT TO: Pub.

 

PETER:                        So please welcome McLogan's contender, Fergus.

 

A fat man in a blue plaid shirt stands up.

 

LIAM:                          There's the opposition.

He nods at the man who just stood up.

 

DONAL:                      Not at all.

 

An even fatter man in a grey T-shirt stands up and removes his jacket.

 

DONAL:                      It's him.

 

LIAM:                          Oh God!

He blinks several times, then gets up. Donal looks around with interest.

 

Assumpta brings the yard of ale out from behind the bar. The crowd applauds.

 

Peter gazes at Assumpta. Film slows to slow motion.

 

VOICEOVER: Audio flashback to previous scenes.

 

PETER:       You were in love.

 

LEO:            I don't think I've ever really loved anyone else. (echo) I don't think I've ever really loved anyone else.

 

Still slow motion. Assumpta carries the yard of ale through the crowd to Liam. Peter watches her wistfully.

 

AUDIO FLASHBACK.

 

PETER:       I'm a priest.

 

ASSUMPTA:         That's fine. Be a priest. (echo) Be a priest...Be a priest.

 

Still slow motion. Peter follows Assumpta through the crowd. He passes Liam, who is now holding the yard of ale.

 

PETER (inaudible):    Good luck, Liam.

 

AUDIO FLASHBACK.

 

Fr Mac:       Shall I tell you what the problem is?

 

Peter:           Sorry?

 

Fr Mac:       Assumpta Fitzgerald.

 

Still slow motion. Peter looks across the bar at Assumpta as he walks down the bar towards the far end. She looks at him, also as she walks along behind the bar.

 

AUDIO FLASHBACK.

 

Siobhan:     They're married Father. (echo) They're married Father.

 

Peter looks away and keeps walking.

 

AUDIO FLASHBACK.

 

Fr Mac:       I understand. The temptation, the pain, the anguish. But most priests, most serious priests use these temptations...

 

Still slow motion. Liam drains the ale from the glass. Peter stops and looks back. He sees Assumpta bringing the yard of ale to McLogan's competitor.

 

Assumpta:   You're good at bringing people together, helping them make sense of their lives. It was thanks to you I finally realised I needed to sort out--

 

Peter:           Please...

 

Peter looks down.

 

BLEND IN: Domino table.

Action still in slow motion.

 

ELDERLY MALE DOMINO COMPETITOR (EMDC):   I said the forty ??

 

ELDERLY FEMALE DOMINO COMPETITOR (EFDC):                Oh right.

She is wearing a hearing aid. She places a stone.

 

Still slow motion. Brendan looks grimly at Siobhan. Siobhan looks at Brendan. Brendan narrows his eyes at their competitors.

 

BLEND IN: Yard of ale competition.

Fergus drains his glass.

 

FR MAC:                     47 seconds.

 

Everyone applauds. Return to normal motion. A compatriot embraces Fergus. McLogan smiles and applauds. Fergus turns around. His friend steers him out the door. The crowd makes sounds of alarm. Padraig looks outside, then comes back in and closes the door.

 

PADRAIG:                  It's come back out again.

 

Everyone chuckles.

 

FR MAC:                     Ladies and Gentlemen, McLogan's contestant is disqualified.

 

Fitzgerald's cheers. Donal pats Liam on the back. Niamh takes the glass from him and returns behind the bar.

 

LIAM:                          Donal, will ya don't do that to me, will ya please?

He grimaces.

 

DONAL:                      Sorry.

 

SCENE: Ballykissangel street. Night.

Ambrose is pushing Kieran's pram.

 

AMBROSE (imitating a siren):           Ninaninanina... in pursuit of a suspect vehicle heading south down the N11. Ninaninanina...

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's interior.

Siobhan and Brendan are still playing dominoes. Fr Mac stands behind them and watches them soberly. He crosses his arms. Brendan picks up a tile from the ones lined up in front of him and sets it on the table.

 

EMDC:                         And that's us!

He sets a stone next to Brendan's triumphantly.

 

EMDC (calls across the room):          Ha! Buy us a pint, Aloysius!

He laughs.

 

BRENDAN:                 It can't be!

He frowns and gestures at the table.

 

FR MAC:                     And the dominoes event goes to Cilldargan!

 

Cilldargan cheers.

 

EMDC:                         It was an honour playing with you, Brendan.

He stands up and toddles off.

 

EFDC follows him.

 

Brendan:                      Ah, stick it in your ear, you bent over bucket of dung!

 

EMDC (to Siobhan):  What did he say? What?

 

SIOBHAN:                  He said the pleasure was all his!

 

EMDC:                         Ah, grand, grand, OK, OK.

He leaves.

 

BRENDAN (to Siobhan):    We've been stitched up. He's got the tiles up his sleeves. He should be strip-searched. I demand a re--

He stands up.

 

BRENDAN (shouts across the room):              I want a rematch!

 

Siobhan stands up, too.

 

SIOBHAN (calmly):   Brendan.

 

BRENDAN:                 What?

 

SIOBHAN:                  It's only a game.

 

Brendan flaps his mouth open and closed.

 

CUT TO: Bar.

Aloysius grins, holds a cigar.

 

ALOYSIUS:                Twenty points to ten, heh heh heh. I hope you have me stout sitting ready.

 

Niamh walks over.

 

NIAMH:                      Don't go counting your barrels. The night is still young.

 

Assumpta, leaning against the back counter, looks confused. Aloysius blows a cloud of cigar smoke. Assumpta steps up to Niamh.

 

ASSUMPTA:             Niamh?

She flicks her head.

 

They take a step back.

 

ASSUMPTA:             What's that old gas basket on about?

 

NIAMH (confidentially):    The tournament. It's not for some old cup. It's for three barrels of stout.

 

ASSUMPTA:             Three?! Niamh!

 

NIAMH:                      I'm sorry, Assumpta.

 

ASSUMPTA:             God I must have seen it coming from Cilldargan.

 

ALOYSIUS (gleefully):        Is there a problem girls? I'm sure if you need more time to pay up, we can come to some... arrangement, heh heh heh heh.

 

Assumpta and Niamh look at him.

 

SCENE: Ballykissangel street. Night.

Ambrose is still walking with Kieran.

 

AMBROSE:                The secret to foot patrol is staying relaxed, but vigilant.

He looks at Kieran and smiles.

 

AMBROSE:                Hey, not that relaxed. Great.

 

Kieran is asleep.

 

Ambrose hears glass tinkle. He looks around. He sees a light bobbing around in the building next to him. He pushes the pram carefully down the steps toward the house and sets the brake. He walks over to the house and looks in the window. He sees someone holding a flashlight and removing a candlestick from the mantelpiece. He walks around the house to the side door. He bends over and picks up a milk crate and places it in front of the door. He goes back to the front door and knocks loudly three times.

 

AMBROSE (calls):     This is the Gardai!

 

Inside, the thief drops his flashlight and we hear a clatter. Ambrose runs around to the other door. The thief comes out the side door and puts his foot in the milk crate. He falls.

 

THIEF:                         Aaaghh!

 

Ambrose runs over and grabs the man, forcing his hand behind his back. He pulls him to his feet.

 

THIEF:                         Get off me! Watch it bastard! (??)

 

AMBROSE:                I'm arresting you on suspicion of burglary. You're not required to say anything. Anything you do say will be taken down and may be given in evidence.

He steers the thief out the gate and up the steps, twisting the man's arm behind his back.

 

THIEF:                         Wrist. Me wrist is broke. Help! Police brutality.

 

Ambrose lets go the man's arm and turns him around, grabs him by the front of his jacket, gets in his face.

 

AMBROSE (fiercely):          Don't wake the baby!

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's interior.

Niamh is behind the bar, pulling a pint. There are several members of McLogan's team gathered around the bar, with drinks. One of them is Aisling.

 

PETER (at the mike):  Okay, er, would the teams please take their places for the final event, the quiz?

 

The crowd murmurs and move to take their places. Peter goes over to the bar.

 

PETER (to Assumpta):        Where's Leo?

 

Assumpta is standing next to the open cash drawer.

 

ASSUMPTA:             I don't know. I'm sorry.

She shrugs, embarrassed.

 

Peter sighs, turns to the table where Fitzgerald's team are sitting (Michael, Brendan, and Siobhan).

 

PETER:                        It's no good. We're one short.

 

Donal, standing at the bar next to Padraig, overhears Peter.

 

DONAL:                      I'm your man, Father. What's the event?

 

Peter comes to the bar.

 

PETER:                        It's a quiz.

 

DONAL:                      Oh right, question and answer sort of thing, yeah?

 

PADRAIG (thinking quickly):            Erm, Father. Why don't you take Leo's place and erm...

He leans over and picks up a name tag, sticks it on Peter's lapel.

 

PADRAIG:                  Donal, you'll be the substitute and then we will have a surprise element.

 

Peter rests his hand reassuringly on Donal's shoulder.

 

DONAL:                      Good thinking, Padraig. I'll be over there when they need me right, just give me an holler.

He points at a spot at the bar.

 

PADRAIG:                  Right.

He pats Donal on the shoulder.

 

Peter points at Donal and goes to take his place at the table with the team. Padraig also sits down with the team.

 

FR MAC:                     Alright now, ladies and gentlemen. Pay close attention please. Now, Solanum Tuberosum is the Latin name for which popular plant?

 

Michael immediately raises his finger and speaks.

 

MICHAEL:                  Potato.

 

Brendan points at Michael. McLogan's team looks disgruntled.

 

FR MAC:                     Correct. There were three astronauts on Apollo 11. Which of them did not walk on the moon?

 

Aloysius looks confused.

 

MICHAEL (immediately):   Michael Collins.

 

FR MAC:                     Correct.

 

PADRAIG:                  I'll go to the bar, does anybody fancy a drink?

 

Michael, Siobhan, and Brendan laugh.

 

CUT TO: Garda station exterior. Night.

Ambrose comes out, carrying Kieran on his arm. Kieran is wrapped in a blanket. Ambrose is moving quietly and making shushing noises at Kieran. Kieran coos a couple of times. Ambrose walks toward Fitzgerald's.

 

CUT TO: Fitzgerald's interior.

Fr Mac is at the mike. Niamh, sitting next to him, hands him a red booklet, which he consults.

 

FR MAC:                     And at the halfway stage, the score stands 28 to McLogan's and 49 to Fitzgerald's.

 

Aloysius sighs and looks pained. McLogan's applauds. Fitzgerald's cheers. Brendan makes a note on a piece of paper on the table in front of him. Ambrose walks in, carrying Kieran, who is wide awake. He walks over to Niamh, who stands to meet him.

 

NIAMH (worried):     Is he alright?

 

Assumpta is behind the bar, leaning on it. She watches Niamh and Ambrose.

 

AMBROSE:                Oh he's fine, he's fine. Thanks.

He hands Kieran off to Niamh.

 

AMBROSE:                Here you go. Sorry doctor, I have a suspect who needs medical attention.

 

PADRAIG:                  Right now? What did you do to him anyway.

 

Niamh takes Kieran behind the bar. Ambrose smiles.

 

MICHAEL:                  Sorry team. Duty calls.

He stands up, pats Padraig on the shoulder.

 

AMBROSE:                Thanks doctor. Assumpta.

He opens the door and puts his hand on the doctor's shoulder as they leave.

 

FR MAC:                     Would Fitzgerald's like to bring on a substitute?

 

DONAL:                      Right here, Father.

He raises his hand from the table where he is sitting next to Liam. He gets up. As he gets up, Liam falls over to the side, since he had been leaning against Donal.

 

DONAL:                      That took 'em by surprise all right.

He goes to take his place with the team.

 

BRENDAN (whispers):       Oh God. No!

 

Aloysius smiles and taps one of his team members on his shoulder, points at the Fitzgeralds team.

 

FR MAC:                     Alright, Fitzgerald's. To within one hundred yards, what is the official length of a marathon?

 

Peter, Padraig, Siobhan, and Brendan start mumbling to each other. Donal thinks for a moment, then stands up.

 

DONAL:                      About six inches, Father.

 

FR MAC:                     No.

 

McLogan's team laughs. Assumpta looks annoyed.

 

FR MAC:                     The answer is 26 miles, 385 yards.

 

DONAL:                      What?

 

BRENDAN:                 He's talking about the race, not the chocolate bar.

 

SCENE: Ambrose's office interior.

The thief is sitting down. Michael is gently holding his right arm, removing the man's jacket.

 

MICHEL:                     Now, take it easy.

 

THIEF:                         Ach, ahh!

 

Michael hands the jacket to Ambrose.

 

MICHAEL:                  Oh, it's broken alright. Does it hurt much?

 

Ambrose checks the pockets of the thief's jacket. He removes something from the pocket. It looks like a vial of pills.

 

THIEF:                         Of course it hurts.

 

MICHAEL:                  Tsk tsk. That's too bad. Do you have painkillers here, Ambrose?

 

AMBROSE:                I'm sorry to say we haven't, but he has.

He holds the vial up for Michael to see.

 

Michael takes the vial.

 

MICHAEL:                  Oh, these look familiar.

 

The thief looks caught.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's interior.

McLogan's team are sitting at their table with half-full drinks in front of them.

 

FR MAC:                     And finally, what sort of creature is an alewife?

He signals Fitzgerald's team to answer.

 

DONAL:                      Is it--

He raises a finger.

 

PADRAIG, SIOBHAN, BRENDAN, PETER:   Shut up.

 

Brendan turns to Fr Mac.

 

BRENDAN:                 It's a fish, Father.

 

FR MAC:                     Correct. And at the end of the last event, the total points are 55 to Fitzgerald's and McLogan's has 55.

 

Everyone starts murmuring.

 

FR MAC:                     Well now it all comes down to a tiebreak.

 

McLogans team looks ready. They sit up straighter and tap their pencils on the table.

 

FR MAC:                     Three questions each with one point. If a team answers wrongly, the point goes to the opponents. All clear on that? Now, this is for the match. What animal would an ofidiophobe fear?

 

Peter and Siobhan lean across the table and confer with each other.

 

MAN ON MCLOGAN'S TEAM:       Is it snakes?

 

FR MAC:                     Correct.

 

McLogan's team laughs, beats on the table and high-fives.

 

FR MAC:                     What do you get when you add gold and china to tin?

 

McLogan's team looks blank. Brendan and Padraig start whispering something.

 

PETER:                        No, no, it's not, no, sh, wait a minute, I can't--. Eighty!

He suddenly turns to Fr Mac with the answer.

 

FR MAC:                     Correct.

 

BRENDAN (astounded whisper):     How?

 

PETER:                        They're wedding anniversaries.

 

BRENDAN (smiles):  Oh.

 

FR MAC:                     Well, that's liberal pegging.

 

Aloysius looks worried.

 

FR MAC:                     Now, this is for the match. Who said in order to draw a limit to thinking, we should be able to think both sides of this limit?

 

Siobhan whispers something to Padraig.

 

DONAL:                      I know that one sure.

 

BRENDAN:                 Shut up Donal.

 

DONAL:                      Was it your man?

 

FR MAC:                     I'm sure it was, but I have to insist on a name.

 

Aloysius smiles slyly at Fitzgerald's team, laughs and points. Assumpta rolls her eyes.

 

DONAL:                      Ah, what's he called?

 

SIOBHAN:                  Donal, for God's sake.

 

DONAL:                      Witt something.

 

McLogan's team are consulting with each other.

 

DONAL:                      Wittgenstein (he says wit-gen-steen), that's him.

 

FR MAC:                     Wrong...

 

Aloysius laughs and starts to celebrate.

 

FR MAC:                     ... pronunciation, correct answer.

 

Everyone smiles and cheers. Except McLogan's team, of course.

 

FR MAC:                     We have a winner. Fitzgerald's!

 

Loud cheer. Aloysius puffs on his cigar and looks disappointed.

 

SIOBHAN:                  Where in the name of God did you get that from.

 

DONAL:                      A Guide To Modern Philosophy.

 

Everyone looks nonplussed. Brendan bursts out laughing. Peter joins in. At the bar, Aloysius turns to Assumpta.

 

ASSUMPTA:             That will be three barrels of stout. Of course, if you need more time to pay up, I'm sure we could come to some arrangement.

 

ALOYSIUS:                Here. You can use it to tart the place up.

He holds up a wad of bills.

 

Niamh takes the money.

 

NIAMH:                      Thanks, we culchees like it the way it is.

 

Aloysius leaves. Niamh hands the money to Assumpta.

 

ASSUMPTA:             Thank you.

 

Donal walks past the bar.

 

ASSUMPTA:             Donal. Here's three hundred quid. Are you free to fix the bathroom?

 

DONAL:                      Um, yeah. Liam?

He looks around for Liam.

 

Liam is slouched over against the wall, sound asleep. Donal turns back to Assumpta.

 

DONAL:                      Yeah.

 

At the microphone, Peter stands next to Fr Mac.

 

FR MAC:                     Congratulations, Father. Our little event was a great success. I think this calls for a drink.

 

PETER:                        Oh great. Thanks, Father.

 

FR MAC:                     I'll have a large brandy.

He steps down from the microphone and walks to the bar.

 

Peter walks away with a sour look on his face. Brendan and Siobhan are sitting at the bar.

 

BRENDAN:                 Here's to unbridled passion.

 

SIOBHAN:                   And here's to a good day's fishing.

 

They clink their glasses. Peter walks up to the bar. Assumpta meets him on the other side.

 

ASSUMPTA:             Well done. We've raised enough money to send Fr Mac to the moon.

 

PETER:                        Yeah, erm, look, about Leo--

 

ASSUMPTA:             He can make his own excuses.

 

PETER:                        Well, it's just that we did throw him in at the deep end and.... Maybe he felt a bit intimidated.

 

ASSUMPTA:             No, he didn't. But he will.

 

Peter is not sure how to respond to that. Padraig, Brendan and Siobhan are sitting at the end of the bar.

 

PADRAIG:                  Ach!

 

BRENDAN:                 Padraig!

 

PADRAIG:                  What?

 

SIOBHAN:                  Give us a sound.

 

PADRAIG:                  Ha ha, bug off, will ya?

 

They all laugh.

 

SCENE: Egans kitchen interior.

Ambrose is standing at the sink. Niamh and Peter are sitting at the table. Ambrose picks up a mug from the table and puts it in the sink.

 

AMBROSE:                Once we had him for the break-in at the surgery, he just fell apart. Confessed to about twenty other offenses around Cilldargan. That'll look good on the old clear-up record.

He picks up another mug and puts it into the sink.

 

PETER (yawns):         Sorry, that's great.

 

Ambrose washes the dishes in the sink. Niamh looks bored.

 

AMBROSE:                Course I would have caught him anyhow with a study of the methodology. You see, he always took the same--

 

NIAMH:                      You must be wrecked, Father. I'll show you your room.

She looks from Ambrose to Peter.

 

Ambrose looks disappointed that he has to stop talking. Niamh stands up.

 

PETER:                        I am a bit. (to Ambrose) Sorry. Thanks, Ambrose.

He stands up.

 

BRIAN:                        Niamh!

 

A door slams. Niamh stops as she is about to leave the kitchen

 

NIAMH:                      Dad!

 

Brian walks down the hall, carrying two bags.

 

BRIAN:                        They did it.

 

NIAMH:                      Who did what?

 

BRIAN:                        The bank. They repossessed the house this afternoon.

 

NIAMH:                      Oh, my God.

 

BRIAN:                        Hello Father.

He drops his bags.

 

BRIAN:                        I just need somewhere to stay for a couple of days, till I get this sorted out.

 

PETER:                        It was lovely to see you all. Thanks for the tea. Brian... If you need to talk...

 

Brian nods. Peter leaves. Ambrose follows him.

 

AMBROSE:                Hold on, Father.

 

NIAMH (whispers):  Just sit down, dad.

She follows Peter and Ambrose.

 

AMBROSE (audible out in the hall): Come on, we already offered Fr Clifford the spare room.

 

CUT TO: Hall.

 

NIAMH:                      What can I do?

 

PETER:                        Good night, guys.

 

CUT TO: Kitchen.

Brian sits down at the table.

 

PETER:                        Good night, Brian.

 

BRIAN:                        Night, Father.

 

Peter goes up the stairs. Niamh follows.

 

CUT TO: Upstairs hall interior.

 

NIAMH:                      Father...

 

Peter turns.

 

NIAMH:                      Would you object to the couch?

 

PETER:                        I'll be fine. You go on.

He picks up his coat and backpack.

 

NIAMH:                      I'm sorry.

 

Peter puts his finger on his lips, opens the front door, and leaves. Niamh looks worriedly back downstairs.

 

CUT TO: Garda station exterior. Night.

Peter exits the garda station. He closes the door behind him. Headlights pass over him as a car drives into town. Peter looks across the street. He leans back against the door post. He sees Leo parking in front of Fitzgerald's. He raises the convertible roof. Leo gets out of the car and locks it electronically. He walks into Fitzgerald's. Peter watches him. The light on the garda station goes out. Peter is left in the dark.

 

ROLL CREDITS