Episode 1.1

"Trying To Connect You"

Produced by Joy Lale

Directed by Richard Standeven

Written by Kieran Prendiville

Transcribed by Margaret Pattison

 

SCENE: Wicklow Hills (ext)

Camera on the hill.

A white bus is visible winding its way along a country road. It is sunny, and the scenery is dark green and scrubby.

 

Cut to bus interior.

Brendan is reading a newspaper. Kathleen, wearing a woolen hat, is a couple of seats behind him. Timmy Joe is looking out the window on the other side. Peter is a couple of seats behind him, also looking out the window.

 

Shot from the hill again.

The bus is crawling along the lower road. Pan around to the top of the hill. Liam's blue truck is trundling along the upper road. There is a large wooden crate tied to the cargo bed.

 

Cut to another part of the road.

A red car is driving along with a horse trotting next to it.

 

Cut to Liam's truck.

Cut to red car.

They seem to be on the same road, traveling toward each other. It is clear there won't be room for both to get past.

 

Cut to Liam's truck cab interior.

Liam is driving. Donal is watching him. Liam says something to Donal that we can't hear.

 

Cut to red car interior. A man is holding the horse's lead out the window and driving.

 

Cut to curve.

Liam's truck rounds the bend. The car reaches the curve. Both swerve to avoid an accident. The truck goes off the road, hits a bump, and the rope holding the crate inexplicably snaps. The crate tips and falls off the truck. Liam sees it in the rear-view mirror.

 

Liam (inaudible): Oh jeez.

 

Donal turns to see the box leave the truck.

 

Cut to hillside.

The sun is shining. The crate rolls head over heels down the hill.

 

Cut to truck.

Liam and Donal quickly exit the truck.

 

Cut to hillside.

The crate rolls down the hill.

 

Cut to truck.

Liam and Donal stand at the side of the road next to the truck and watch the crate go. It isn't sunny anymore.

 

Cut to hillside.

It is sunny. The crate is rolling down the hill.

 

Cut to truck.

Liam looks at Donal. Donal squints his eyes, winces, and looks up.

 

Cut to lower road.

The bus is coming. It isn't sunny.

 

Cut to hill.

The crate is rolling. Bits of wood start to break off. It is getting very close to the road.

 

Cut to lower road.

It is sunny. The bus is coming.

 

Cut to bus interior.

Timmy Joe looks out the window and sees the box coming.

 

Timmy Joe: Jeez!

 

Gerard sees the box and registers shock, slams on the brakes.

 

Cut to outside.

The box rolls across the road just as the bus jerks to a halt.

 

Cut to bus interior.

Timmy Joe and Peter lurch forward.

 

Cut to hill.

The crate continues to roll, goes over a wire fence and comes to a rest in a field. Its lid falls off and tiny bits of wood fly around.

 

OPENING CREDITS

 

Bus interior.

Timmy Joe turns and looks around at the other bus occupants. Peter looks around, confused. Brendan looks around. The passengers start to get up and run off the bus.

 

Bus exterior.

Gerard leads the way, followed by Timmy Joe, Brendan, and the others, including several extras. Brendan is wearing a long brown rain coat.

 

Brendan calls to Gerard: If he wants to know who our leader is, that's you Gerard, all right?

 

Gerard laughs, opens the gate leading into the field.

 

Kathleen is wearing a long blue coat and a brown woolen hat: What are you doing?

 

Gerard: You don't want to know what it is?

 

Kathleen, self-righteously: I don't want to know what's inside it.

 

Siobhan is there, too. She leans on a fence post.

 

Gerard: What?

 

Brendan chastises her: Kathleen, it's not a coffin.

 

Kathleen: How do you know what it is?

 

Brendan: Look at the size of it.

 

Siobhan: Unless there's a heifer in it.

 

Timmy Joe (it is suddenly sunny again): Ha ha. Or an old sow?

 

Brendan leans across the top of the crate and tries to pry some wood off: A flying pig, what do you think?

 

Gerard: Nearly parted me hair and that's a fact.

 

Peter: Where did it come from?

 

Gerard looks up the hill: Well off the back of a lorry I'd say up the mountain.

 

Brendan looks straight up into the bright sun: The sky.

 

Peter walks up to the crate: Well do you think he knows that it's fallen off his lorry?

 

Gerard: Well he would if I got a hold of him.

 

Brendan: Will we wait?

Gerard: Indeed we won't.

He starts back to the bus: We'll report it. I have a schedule I have to meet. Come on!

 

The other passengers follow him back to the bus. Brendan and Peter stay next to the crate.

 

Brendan calls over his shoulder: Home Gerard! Before the sun goes down.

He looks at Peter, says to him: And Dracula himself comes out of the lid.

 

Peter smiles politely.

 

Gerard shouts: Come on now!

 

Brendan goes back to the bus. Peter stands there and watches him.

 

Cut to bus exterior.

Gerard is leaning against the side of the bus. Brendan gets back in. Gerard nods to him. Peter comes a few seconds later but doesn't get in. Gerard looks slightly impatient.

 

Peter turns to Gerard: Think I'll walk. It's too nice a day to sit on a bus.

He steps into the bus.

 

Gerard: Well suit yourself. You'll have a long wait for the next bus.

 

Peter returns with his backpack (it must have been right inside the door): Oh I don't mind. I like walking.

He looks down the road: How far is it?

 

Gerard: To Ballykissangel?

 

Peter looks at Gerard expectantly.

 

Gerard: Three miles.

 

Peter looks slightly disappointed, but nods. They both look around.

 

Gerard: You have a grand day for it anyway.

He nods and smiles at Peter then gets back into the bus.

 

Peter looks slightly unenthusiastic but smiles anyway.

 

The bus pulls away. Peter hoists his backpack onto his back. He is wearing blue jeans, a checked shirt, and a light brown jacket. He walks in the direction the bus went. Liam's blue truck is coming toward him. The bus and the truck barely pass each other. The truck passes Peter. Peter glances at it in passing.

 

Cut to road where the crate fell.

Liam's truck stops. Liam and Donal look over the edge of the road at the crate. They both get out. On the side of the truck is written "Quigley Developments PLC". They stand next to the road and survey the damage. Liam puts his hand to his chin, Donal puts his hands on his hips.

 

SCENE: Later. Road (ext)

It is raining heavily. Peter is walking along the road. His jacket is zipped up, his hands are in his pockets, and he is soaking wet.

 

Cut to van interior.

Peter is visible through the windscreen just ahead, walking along the side of the road. The van slows down and stops next to Peter. Peter stops and leans over to the van.

 

Cut to van exterior.

Assumpta unrolls the window, frowns against the rain: Can I give you a lift? I'm uh-- I'm going to Ballykissangel.

 

Peter: Oh that's perfect, thank you!

 

Assumpta gestures toward the rear of the van with her thumb: Stick your bag in the back.

 

Peter: Thanks.

He goes to the back of the van. Assumpta rolls up her window.

 

Cut to van rear.

The rear door is open. Peter is taking off his jacket. He tosses it into the back of the van, closes the door, and runs around to the passenger side, opens the door, and gets in. License plate: 92-WW-2053. Renault extra. Assumpta drives away.

 

Cut to van interior.

Assumpta reaches behind the seat and hands Peter a towel: Here. Give your head a rub.

 

Peter, gratefully: Oh thanks.

He wipes off his face, then his head.

 

Assumpta watches him while she drives. She looks interested. She bites her lower lip and looks like a hunter who has spotted her prey.

 

Assumpta: This is where the forty shades of green comes from.

 

Peter: Sorry?

 

Assumpta: It's a song. Forty shades of grey'd be more accurate but...then there's the image to think of.

She smiles at Peter.

 

He smiles at her. He puts the towel back behind the seat.

 

Assumpta, with a seductive voice: Are you staying in town?

 

Peter: I live there! Well I will be. I'm starting a new job.

 

Assumpta, trying not to seem extremely interested: How so?

 

Peter swallows, seems to sense that it will be a disappointment for her: At St. Joseph's. I'm the new priest.

He sounds almost apologetic.

 

Assumpta looks at him in surprise, laughs in real amusement.

 

Peter: What.

 

Assumpta: Nothing.

She gets control of herself, says sincerely: You'll be very welcome I'm sure.

 

Peter looks put out.

 

Assumpta starts to get sarcastic: If there's one thing this country needs it's priests from England.

She looks steamed. It stops raining.

 

Peter: We have enough of yours.

 

Assumpta, quietly, on daggers: We have enough of ours.

 

Peter looks very put out.

 

Cut to van exterior.

It has stopped raining. The van speeds along the road.

 

Cut to van interior.

It is sunny.

 

Peter: I'm Peter Clifford.

 

Assumpta, looking straight ahead, very quietly, slurring the first name: Assumpta Fitzgerald.

 

Peter: Sorry?

 

Assumpta, louder: Fitzgerald.

 

Peter: No, your first name.

 

Assumpta: Assumpta.

 

Peter, in wonderment: Assumpta.

 

Assumpta: Yeah.

 

Peter: I've never heard that before. It's a beautiful name.

 

Assumpta snorts ("you're so full of it buster"): It's just a name.

 

Peter, seriously: Oh but it isn't. Has to do with the Assumption, hasn't it? You know, the Assumption--

 

Assumpta, like she's heard that a million times before and is tired of it: Of the Blessed Virgin, yeah. Big deal.

 

Peter: That's beautiful.

 

Assumpta: Mother of God, a hippie priest?

 

Peter shuts up.

 

SCENE: Wicklow Hills (ext)

Donal is carrying lumber down the hill to where the crate is lying on its side. It doesn't look like the same place it was lying before. It is much further from the road, there is no fence and no gate. Liam is on the cell phone.

 

Liam: Never mind what's in it you have the weight of it look-- Just bring the lift in here would'ya?

 

SCENE: Street (ext)

On approach to Ballykissangel from the south. Assumpta's van is about to turn into the town.

 

Peter: This is Ballykissangel.

 

Assumpta, like she's got a big secret: This is it.

 

Peter smiles.

 

Cut to shot of bridge.

Assumpta's van crosses the bridge into town.

 

Cut to town side of bridge.

The road is lined with people sitting on the bridge, watching the van drive in. Fitzgerald's is straight ahead.

 

Cut to van interior. 

Peter sees the pub, looks impressed.

 

Peter points toward the pub: Is that you?

 

Assumpta, without enthusiasm: Yeah.

 

She turns the van up the road toward the church.

 

Peter: Oh, don't let me take you out of your way.

 

Assumpta, saccharin sweetly: We're used to carrying the clergy.

 

Peter looks like he can't believe she just said that.

 

Assumpta looks off to the side: This is you.

 

Cut to shot of church.

 

Cut to van interior.

Peter looks up at the church, looks pleased.

 

Cut to road.

Assumpta's van pulls up and stops. Peter gets out. He is enthralled by the church.

 

Cut to church exterior.

 

Peter beams: It's beautiful!

 

Assumpta: You were made for each other.

 

Peter looks down at Assumpta. His smile fades. He walks around to the back of the van. Assumpta looks pleased with herself.

 

Cut to rear of van interior.

Peter gets out his pack and closes the rear door.

 

Cut to passenger side door, shot from van interior.

Peter leans over and looks in the open door.

 

Peter, intimately: Thank you.

 

Assumpta, with bedroom eyes: Mm-hm.

 

Peter closes the door and steps away from the van. Assumpta watches him go. She still looks intrigued by him.

 

SCENE: St. Joseph's (int)

Sounds of construction. Peter opens the door, enters, and closes the door behind him. He looks around. Shot of the front of the church, with its red and gold ornamentation. Peter looks impressed. He sets his pack down.

 

Fr Mac shouts: How long more do you think you're going to be there lads?

 

Peter looks up. Father Mac is standing on a scaffold many metres above the ground. There is apparently some construction going on at or near the top of the building.

 

Worker: Won't be long now Father!

 

More banging sounds.

 

Peter drops his jacket on top of his pack and walks into the centre aisle. He is transfixed by the altar. He slowly genuflects and crosses himself.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's (ext)

Street outside Fitzgerald's. Assumpta is unloading the van. She carries two boxes into the pub.

 

Cut to Fitzgerald's interior.

The place is about half full, the quiet buzz of conversation sounds. Assumpta enters as a patron leaves. She makes her way past the bar into the kitchen.

 

Assumpta: Morning Brian.

 

Brian is sitting at the bar eating a sandwich. Niamh is behind the bar.

 

Brian: Mmm.

 

Assumpta: Niamh would'ya do me one of them would'ya?

 

Brian: Only if you don't mind waiting while she orders it from Dublin.

 

Niamh: Don't ?? Dad it only encourages me.

She follows Assumpta into the kitchen.

 

SCENE: St. Joseph's (int)

Peter walks over to the scaffold. Fr Mac is climbing down.

 

Peter: You've got the builders in.

 

Fr Mac: I swear they're building a nest up there. Are you a Catholic by any chance?

 

Peter plays like he's thinking about it, then answers dryly: Does a priest count?

 

Fr Mac jumps the last metre down from the scaffold, looks surprised.

 

Fr Mac: Father Clifford!

He shakes his hand.

 

Peter smiles: Father MacAnally.

 

Fr Mac, in wonder: Well how long have you been here?

 

Peter: I've just arrived.

 

Fr Mac: Well how did you get here?

 

Peter is about to answer, but Fr Mac interrupts him.

 

Fr Mac: Oh never mind. Let's have a cup of tea.

He grabs his jacket from where it was draped over the scaffold and walks past Peter toward the exit.

 

Peter looks up toward the ceiling: That's some hole.

He turns toward Fr Mac: Why did you ask if I was a Catholic?

 

Fr Mac puts on his jacket: Well I would have asked you for a donation.

 

Peter laughs.

 

Fr Mac: But you can't afford it.

They walk toward the door.

 

SCENE: Wicklow Hills (ext)

Donal is up on top of the crate, hammering boards on. Liam is handing the boards up to him. They both pause and look up as they hear an engine approaching.

 

Cut to lower road.

A red truck is approaching with some sort of large attachment.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's (int)

Kitchen. Assumpta is unpacking the boxes she brought in.

 

Assumpta: Niamh, what does it matter what I think this is your life if this is what you want to do do it!

 

Niamh: But what if he won't?

 

Assumpta: What if he won't?

She pauses and looks at Niamh: Dump him.

 

Niamh looks shocked: Have you never been in love Assumpta? I mean, you know--

 

Assumpta, exasperated: Oh why ask me then! Ask the new priest why don't'ya?

 

Niamh: He's here?

 

Assumpta, like the cat who swallowed the canary: Uh-huh. He's English. He looks about twelve.

It seems like she's trying to keep from bursting out laughing.

 

Niamh: Oh God!

 

Assumpta: See if you can find him a train set.

 

Niamh leaves the kitchen. She and Assumpta exchange a conspiratorial look.

 

SCENE: Wicklow Hills (ext)

The red truck is lifting the crate back onto the blue truck.

 

Donal is up on the truck bed, guiding the crate. He calls out: You're almost there now! Easy!

 

Liam is speaking into his cell phone: There's no problem Mr. Quigley. Yeah it it came off the later train.

 

Cut to Fitzgerald's.

Brian is sitting at the bar, talking into his cell phone: What later train? There isn't a later train! Liam, I don't want to hear about it, just get it here. It's supposed to be in place before the new fellow gets here.

 

Assumpta is putting things away behind the bar and calls over: The priest?

 

Brian puts his hand over the mouthpiece and asks Assumpta: What about him?

 

Assumpta, apologetically: Well he's already here.

 

Brian turns back to the phone.

 

SCENE: BallyK street (ext)

Fr Mac and Peter are walking along the street from the church to Fitzgerald's.

 

Fr Mac, suspiciously: Let me ask you something Father.

 

Peter, innocently: Of course.

 

Fr Mac: Why are you here?

 

Peter, as if it should be obvious: This is where I was sent.

 

Fr Mac: You don't have to tell me.

 

Peter understands what Fr Mac is getting at, says wryly: You've nothing to worry about.

 

Fr Mac: That's good. That's good only that's what the last fellow said and he was gone in three weeks. I swear he only came here for the suit.

 

Peter looks insulted. They cross the street toward Fitzgerald's.

 

Peter: What are we going in there?

 

Fr Mac: Why is something wrong?

 

Peter: No no. I met the landlady.

 

Fr Mac chuckles: Assumpta. Well she makes a good pot of tea. I like to watch her seethe at my presence.

 

They enter the pub.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's (int)

Fr Mac: Assumpta, how nice to see you.

 

Assumpta, to Peter: You notice he doesn't spend more time up there than he has to.

 

Fr Mac: I'll put a hole in your roof one day. See how you like it.

 

Assumpta: Oh you could make a pepper pot out of it Father you still won't get me up there.

 

Fr Mac: A pot of tea and a plate of sandwiches Assumpta if you please and if you could summon up a little respect--

 

Assumpta: Hope you're not going to make him pay.

She looks at Peter.

 

Peter looks at Assumpta, looks hurt.

 

Assumpta, to Father Mac: You know, he doesn't even have a car.

She walks away.

 

Fr Mac, to Peter: We'll find you something.

 

Peter: Oh it's all right Father I don't drive.

 

Fr Mac looks surprised and annoyed: You don't drive?

 

Peter, defensively: I've never needed to.

 

Fr Mac: So in emergencies you took the Blessed Sacrament by taxi is that right?

 

Peter laughs: No. By bike.

 

Fr Mac: By bike?

 

Peter: Mountain bike.

 

Fr Mac: Mountain bike.

 

Peter: Yeah, it was just as quick.

 

Fr Mac gives Peter the once over: In the city.

 

Peter: Yeah-- but, mountain bikes are designed for mountains.

 

Fr Mac: No Father, mountain goats are designed for mountains. Mountain roads are designed for motorcars. What kind of people do you think we are? Look. Come over here.

He walks over to the corner, where a framed map is hanging on the wall. Peter follows him.

 

Fr Mac points at the map: Now. This is where you are. (He points to Ballykissangel) This is where I am (he circles Cilldargan with his finger) most of the time, this (he circles around the map with his finger) is the entire parish of Cilldargan, which I, as parish priest, am responsible for. I can't be everywhere which is why you have, one priest here in ??, one here in Drumond, another in BallyK and so on.

He looks at Peter intently.

 

Peter nods: Yeah I see.

 

Fr Mac indicates the map again: And, this is all you, not just the town.

 

Peter nods in understanding.

 

Fr Mac walks over to the bar again. Peter follows him.

 

Fr Mac: And you're quite right Father, some of your parishioners do live on the top of mountains. Like Tommy Hassett. He's on his last legs. And there are plenty more like him.

 

Peter: Yes Father.

 

Fr Mac: Only by the time you got there on your mountain bike, they could be throwing another sod of turf on the fire for the Prince of Darkness!

 

Peter looks cowed.

 

Assumpta returns: Making friends? That's good.

 

Peter looks at her, looks down, seems to suppress a smile.

 

SCENE: BallyK street (ext)

Street outside the church. Several workers are standing there looking down the road. Quigley comes out from the church yard and looks, too. The blue truck drives up, with the crate on the back. Liam parks the truck next to the wall outside the churchyard and gets out.

 

Brian: Where have you been?

 

Liam, defensively: Sure I told you, the train was late.

 

Donal: Leaves on the line.

 

Brian demands: In spring?

 

Donal: Global warming.

 

Brian, seething: Just get it off.

 

The workers, Liam, and Donal go to the back of the truck and start unroping the crate.

 

SCENE: BallyK street (ext)

Street outside Fitzgerald's. Peter and Fr Mac are walking away from the pub. Fr Mac pulls a key out of his pocket and hands it to Peter.

 

Fr Mac: Your house is the one under the church. Can't miss it. If you want anything give me a shout.

 

They walk over to Fr Mac's car, which is parked across from Fitzgerald's. Fr Mac smiles kindly. Peter smiles back.

 

Fr Mac: I know this is throwing you in at the deep end Father. It wasn't me that asked for an Englishman.

 

Peter's smile fades. Fr Mac gets into his car.

 

SCENE: Curate's house

Street outside the curate's house. Peter walks along, carrying his backpack. He stops in front of the red door. He gets out the key, steps up to the door, and puts the key in the lock.

 

Cut to curate's house interior.

The door opens. Peter walks in and closes the door. He sets his backpack down. He walks in and starts to look around. He hears sounds in the kitchen.

 

Peter: Hello?

 

Niamh sticks her head out of the kitchen, smiles: Hello.

She ducks back into the kitchen.

 

Peter frowns, walks over to the kitchen.

 

Kitchen. Peter enters. Niamh is at the sink, filling a tea kettle.

 

Peter: Hello.

 

Niamh: Father Clifford.

 

Peter: That's me. Father MacAnally never mentioned a housekeeper.

 

Niamh: I'm not the housekeeper. You are.

She goes over to the stove and sets the kettle on.

 

Peter raises his eyebrows: Oh.

 

Niamh holds out her hand: I'm Niamh Quigley.

 

Peter shakes her hand: Peter.

 

Niamh: My father owns this place.

She walks back and forth between the shelf and the table, getting tea ready.

 

Peter: Owns it?

 

Niamh: That's right. He wanted to welcome you himself but he had business to take care of.

 

Peter: Please, thank him. I thought--

 

Niamh: You thought the church owned it.

 

Peter nods: Well--

 

Niamh: Up until last year it did. Ah- When my father made an offer for it.

 

Peter: Right.

 

Niamh: He wants to turn the place into a holiday home for American tourists.

 

Peter walks over to the window and looks out: And throw in their own padre.

 

Niamh: What?

 

Peter: Oh nothing. Erm...when are these people arriving?

 

Niamh starts pouring the tea: Oh he hasn't anyone yet. So you're fine for now.

 

Peter smiles and looks around: Well your father's a generous man.

 

Niamh gives Peter a look.

 

SCENE: St. Joseph's (ext)

Outside the church. The workers are pushing the crate along the ground up to the church. Brian is standing there watching them. They hit a snag. The crate starts to come apart. Everyone shouts.

 

Brian: Whoa! Be careful! You know how much that thing cost!

 

Liam: I do. And it's madness.

 

Donal: You could buy a car for the same price.

 

Brian: Come on.

 

SCENE: Curate's house (int)

Curate's house. Niamh brings a tray of tea into the sitting room.

 

Niamh: Can I ask you a question Father?

 

Peter, from upstairs: Go ahead.

 

Niamh: Have you ever had a girlfriend?

 

Peter comes down the stairs, dressed in his priest uniform.

 

Niamh: Have you? Ever had a girlfriend?

 

Peter: Come again?

 

Niamh: Seriously.

 

Peter: Well I don't know that I know you well enough to answer a question like that.

 

Niamh looks down at the tea tray.

 

Peter walks over to her: Why do you ask?

 

Niamh: I might have asked your advice.

 

Peter steps even closer and says out of the side of his mouth: Take it off the record.

 

Niamh gives him a sly look.

 

Peter: Go ahead.

 

Niamh looks at him again: No.

 

Peter seems put out: OK.

He takes a sip of tea and looks around awkwardly: Nice house.

 

Niamh: My boyfriend says he wants to get married. There are strings.

 

Peter: Ah. He wants you to go to bed with him?

 

Niamh: No Father. I want him to go to bed with me.

 

Peter looks surprised.

 

Niamh: I want to know what he's like. To live with. I want to know what to expect. He's a good man, but I need to know. Can he take out the rubbish without being asked. Will he tarnish his elbows with Fairy liquid. Do they grip an iron that he's holding a rattlesnake.

 

Peter, condescendingly: Important things.

 

Niamh: You think they're not?

 

Peter, amused: Well I'm not sure what to think.

He takes a sip of tea.

 

Niamh: What.

 

Peter: Well I'm a Catholic priest. What do you expect me to say? You know I can't encourage you to have sex before marriage. But I won't condemn you if you do.

He takes a sip of tea.

 

Niamh: I don't agree with divorce.

 

Peter: No.

 

Niamh: I just want to be sure.

She walks away into the kitchen.

 

Cut to kitchen.

Niamh opens the biscuit tin and takes out a biscuit.

 

Peter enters: What does he say?

 

Niamh: He says I don't know what I'm talking about.

 

Peter: Niamh, I'm going to go up to the church. Stay, if you want to talk this through. Let yourself out if you want to go. I'd like to help.

 

Niamh: I do love him.

 

Peter: I'll be back.

He sets his tea cup down on the table.

 

SCENE: St. Joseph's (ext)

Street outside the church. Peter walks up from the house to the church. He hears banging. He steps back to see over the churchyard wall. He sees the workers disassembling the crate in the church yard. Peter looks intrigued.

 

Cut to church yard.

The workers have the object from inside the crate unpacked. It is a large gray box, looks like a double Port-A-Potty. Peter enters, looking skeptical.

 

Brian: Ah Father. Welcome to Ballykissangel. Lads, this is our new priest.

 

The workers all say: Hello Father.

 

Liam: How ya doin Father.

 

Peter: Pleased to meet you.

He looks tickled.

 

Brian: From England I believe.

 

Peter: Peter Clifford

He shakes hands with Brian.

 

Brian: Brian Quigley. Is everything all right Peter?

 

Peter: Yes! Thank you, you're very kind.

He looks at the box: What's this?

 

Brian: You know what it is.

 

Peter: I know it can fly.

 

Brian: What?

 

Liam and Donal exchange a look.

 

Peter: Nothing. What is it?

 

Brian: It's a confessional.

 

Peter: Confessional? Don't we have one?

 

Liam: You have two now.

 

Brian: I can promise you Father, St. Joseph's has nothing like this, nowhere in Ireland...has anything like this.

 

Peter: Ah. Like what exactly.

 

Brian: Well it's difficult to show you at the moment now Father Clifford it's not plugged in.

He walks around the confessional, admiring it.

 

Peter: Plugged in?

 

Brian: Yes, it's what works the sliding doors you know?

 

Liam: And the soundproofing.

 

Donal: And the air conditioning.

 

Peter: Air conditioning?

 

Brian: Oh God yes Father. Some of them mountainy men have a fierce pungency about them.

 

Peter: Yes, but aren't we losing sight a little--

 

Brian: Father, who would sleep on the floor if he could have a bed?

 

Peter: Scuse me?

 

Brian: It's all clear with Father Mac. I wouldn't have gone to the trouble of importing it all the way from Italy if I didn't have the authority.

 

The workers are maneuvering the confessional toward the church.

 

Liam: Whoa! It's not going to fit Mr. Quigley!

 

Brian: No problem no problem.

He thinks fast: Um...we'll get it in through the roof.

 

Liam looks up at the roof skeptically. Peter looks at Brian skeptically.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's (int)

Peter is standing at the bar, using the house phone. Assumpta approaches behind the bar and puts a drink down next to the phone.

 

Assumpta: Will I start your tab Father?

 

Peter smiles and nods at her, while listening to the phone.

 

Fr Mac (over the phone): If he damages the roof...

 

Cut to Fr Mac's office.

Fr Mac is sitting in a comfortable arm chair, talking on the phone.

 

Fr Mac: He'll put it right. They're his men on the roof already.

 

Cut to Fitzgerald's.

 

Peter: But Father we don't need it.

 

Fr Mac (over the phone): Oh is that right?

 

Peter: Nobody needs a monstrosity like this. Leather upholstery...

 

Cut to Fr Mac's office.

 

Fr Mac: What have you got against the twentieth century? What's so monstrous about a bit of comfort in a confessional? Would you be saying that--

 

Cut to Fitzgerald's.

 

Fr Mac (over the phone): --if you were seventy years old and had arthritis in your knees?

 

Peter: No Father.

 

Cut to Fr Mac's office.

 

Fr Mac, sarcastically: No Father. And I would remind you that--

 

Cut to Fitzgerald's.

 

Fr Mac (over the phone): --he already has my permission for this.

 

Peter, resignedly: Yes Father.

 

Cut to Fr Mac's office.

 

Fr Mac: Brian Quigley is a good friend of the church Father. You'd do well--

 

Cut to Fitzgerald's.

 

Fr Mac (over the phone): --to remember that.

 

Peter removes the phone from his ear, hangs it up. He looks like he's trying to control his temper. Assumpta looks over at him.

 

SCENE: BallyK street (ext)

Outside Fitzgerald's. Peter exits the pub, starts walking up toward the church. He sees Niamh coming across the street. He stops and waits for her to come over to him.

 

Peter: You all right?

 

Niamh: I'm fine Father. Can we just--

 

Peter: If you want me, you know where I am.

 

Niamh nods.

 

Peter: I met your father.

 

Niamh, knowingly: Ah.

 

Peter: What does he do exactly?

 

Niamh: My father? All kinds of everything. Why do you ask?

 

Peter: He's supplying us with a new confessional.

 

Niamh smiles: Oh it's arrived has it.

 

Peter, surprised: You knew about it?

 

Niamh: First of many he hopes.

 

Peter: What?

 

Niamh: In Ireland. He's the sole importing rights.

 

Peter registers understanding. He thinks something like, "That sly old fox!"

 

Niamh: So don't forget before you start cleaning up this town, it's important to my father people go on committing sin.

She goes into Fitzgerald's.

 

Peter heads up toward the church.

 

SCENE: St. Joseph's (ext)

A large crowd is watching as a crane lifts the confessional.

 

Liam, talking into a cell phone: Huh. Uh-huh. Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Yeah I want ten pound on uh, Nobody's Fool.

 

Siobhan walks over to Timmy Joe. She looks up at the confessional in the air: Does that look familiar to you Timmy Joe?

 

Timmy Joe: Yeah. It was going an awful lot faster though.

 

Brendan rides up on his bicycle. He stops behind Peter and confides: Nearer my God to thee.

 

Assumpta: Quigley doesn't miss a trick does he.

She looks over at Peter. Peter looks at her.

 

Brian gives directions to the workers: Left a bit! Easy, over! Down! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Down a bit!

 

Some kids run up to join the crowd. A film crew is visible now.

 

Brian: Down. Down.

 

Ambrose runs over to the film crew.

 

Reporter, to Ambrose: What's your problem?

 

Ambrose: I'm responsible for safety, yeah?

 

Reporter: Are we in danger?

 

Ambrose: Well now if that thing fell down--

 

Reporter: Well if it fell, then we'd have made our last confession, wouldn't we?

 

Ambrose looks around helplessly.

 

Cut to church interior.

The confessional is being lowered through a large hole in the roof.

 

Cut to church exterior.

 

Peter asks Brendan: Are people going to think that this is my idea?

 

Brendan: Oh well now Peter. That very much depends on whether it's a success or not.

 

Peter, unenthusiastically: Terrific.

 

The film crew comes over to Peter.

 

Reporter: Father Clifford is it? Can we have a quick word?

 

Peter: Oh, I think Brian Quigley over there is the friend you want, he's the brains behind all this.

 

Reporter: It's your church.

 

Peter: Don't know about that.

 

Reporter: Well Father, two minutes, and we'll be out of your hair.

 

Brendan whispers something to Peter.

 

Peter, to reporter, regretfully: Yeah, actually, um, I'm not allowed to give interviews without the permission of my parish priest. And he's in Cilldargan.

 

Reporter: Father MacAnally?

 

Peter: That's right.

 

Reporter: He said it was fine.

 

Peter: Oh did he?

 

Reporter nods: So would you like to do it for me?

She gestures at him: Come on. I'll show you where to stand.

She grabs his arm and moves him around to the other side: That's a good man.

 

Peter: Right.

 

Reporter: Kay if you'll just--

 

Peter clears his throat.

 

Reporter: --position yourself here, just move in a little bit to your right.

 

Peter: Yeah.

He moves over a little.

 

Reporter: Kay just a little bit here okay? All right? Nice ?? set, look at me?

 

Camerman: This right here.

He gestures at a point in front of the camera.

 

Reporter: Yeah rolling Richard?

 

Cameraman: Yeah, you're on.

 

Reporter: Now Father Clifford. Tell me about the new confessional.

 

Peter: Well, an opportunity came to take advantage of the latest technology.

 

Reporter: What's so special about it?

 

Peter: Well, it has sliding doors, soundproofing--

 

Reporter: Leather upholstery.

 

Peter: It's more comfortable.

 

Reporter: In fact, there's an armchair in there, isn't there?

 

Peter hesitates: Well I think armchair is overstating it just a little bit.

 

Reporter: What would you call it?

 

Peter squirms: Well you know look as I say, what comfort there is is for the benefit of the community, many of whom are elderly, and suffering from arthritis.

 

Reporter: The armchair is for you though, isn't it.

 

Peter smiles self-consciously: Well-- I haven't actually seen inside it yet.

He shrugs.

 

Reporter: I see. Well going back to your elderly arthritis sufferers--

 

Assumpta is listening to this conversation like she can't believe her ears.

 

Reporter: --what would they want with a fax machine?

 

Peter is floored: What?

 

Reporter: There's a fax machine inside it, isn't there?

 

Peter: Huh?

 

SCENE: St. Joseph's (int)

The workers are lowering the confessional to the ground. Peter is talking to Brian.

 

Brian: Well that's what it came with. Comes as standard, you know. Like a car.

 

Peter: Brian, a fax machine? In the name of God...

 

Brian: What's the problem here? Fax machine is only a method of communication. And they have one in the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem.

 

Peter: What?

 

Brian: Without a word of a lie. Telecom Israel or whatever they call it put it in last year.

 

Peter: It's not the same!

 

Brian: Oh because they're Jews? Oh that's very ecumenical that is.

 

Peter: We're talking about the Sacrament of Confession here Brian.

 

Brian: Look Father. Why don't we have this conversation in a couple of days. See how it goes. Give it some time. See how the ?? faithful like it. Promise you Father. In a few days, you'll be the most talked-about priest in Ireland.

 

Peter looks at him like "Oh please no."

 

SCENE: St. Joseph's (ext)

Peter walks out of the church. He looks stressed.

 

Assumpta: Would you fancy a pint, Father?

 

Peter: Thanks. They've probably got it on draft in the confessional.

 

Assumpta smiles.

 

Peter: Where am I Assumpta? The Twilight Zone?

 

Assumpta: No Father. You're just out of your depth.

 

Peter looks pathetic.

 

SCENE: Padraig's garage

Padraig's garage exterior. A red van is pulling away from the petrol pump. A goat is tied up in the garden. Peter approaches on foot. He looks into the garage. He sees motor scooters lined up inside. He enters the shop.

 

Cut to garage interior.

Padraig is stocking the shelves of his little quickie mart.

 

Peter: Hello.

 

Padraig: Father Clifford.

 

Peter: Everyone knows my name.

 

Padraig: They certainly do. Padraig O'Kelley. What can I do for you?

He shakes Peter's hand.

 

Peter: I need some transport.

 

Padraig: You want to leave town already?

Peter: I'm not much use if I can't get about. Oh Mr. O'Kelley--

He reaches into his pocket for something.

 

Padraig: Padraig.

 

Peter: Padraig.

He pulls out a paper from his pocket: Says here in the local paper that you have a motorbike for sale.

 

Cut to shed interior.

Peter is sitting on a scooter, revving the engine. Padraig is standing next to him.

 

Peter: Padraig if I can ride a bike I can ride one of these surely.

 

Padraig: I was thinking more of your dignity.

 

Peter: Jesus entered Jerusalem riding on a donkey.

 

Padraig: He'd have been quicker.

He lights a cigarette.

 

Peter: Well I have to have something.

He turns off the engine.

 

Padraig: Still need a license Father.

 

Peter: Provisional?

 

Padraig: Yeah, have to go to Wicklow to get it.

 

Peter pulls at his nose: Well, I won't take it until I'm legal OK? Just keep it for me.

 

Padraig: OK.

 

SCENE: St. Joseph's

Long shot of the church tower from the far side of the bridge. The bells are ringing.

 

Cut to church interior.

The church looks empty. Peter, wearing a long black cassock and stole, walks in from the side and genuflects before the altar. He walks up the aisle. He sees someone sitting in the pew, off-screen, and nods slightly at them.

 

Cut to pews.

The back pews are full. The parishioners watch Peter balefully. Peter tries to smile at them but gets no response. Ambrose is on the last row. Peter continues to the back of the church. He pushes a button and a sliding door opens with an ominous sound (sounds like a jail cell door).

 

Cut to confessional interior.

Peter sits down. The door slides shut. He reaches forward to a control panel in front of him, turns a knob, and pushes a green button.

 

Cut to confessional exterior.

A green light goes on.

 

Cut to confessional interior. Peter sits back, closes his eyes, and places two fingers against his temple.

 

Cut to pews.

Ambrose looks around behind him.

 

Cut to confessional exterior.

The green light is on.

 

Cut to pews.

Ambrose gets up, walks over to the confessional. He pushes a button and the door slides open. Ambrose enters. The door slides shut. The green light goes off and the red light goes on.

 

Cut to confessional interior.

Peter's side. Ambrose kneels on the other side of the grate.

 

Ambrose: Bless me Father for I have sinned. It's been a week since my last confession.

He waits a bit, then says: It's not easy.

 

Peter: Don't rush.

 

Ambrose: I think I'm going to commit a mortal sin.

 

Peter: It's all right, just...take your time.

 

Ambrose sniffles. Peter reaches down, grabs a tissue, opens the grate, hands the tissue through.

 

Peter: Here.

 

Cut to Ambrose's side.

Ambrose takes the tissue. Peter closes the grate.

 

Cut to Peter's side.

Ambrose blows his nose. Peter rubs his temple with one finger. Ambrose opens the grate and hands the used tissue back through. Peter takes it and puts it down somewhere.

 

Ambrose: Thank you.

He crosses himself.

 

Peter closes the grate: Don't worry about it.

 

Cut to Ambrose's side.

 

Peter: Come on. Let's, let's sort this out.

 

Cut to Peter's side.

 

Ambrose: I'm a single man.

 

Peter: Yes.

 

Ambrose: I think I'm going to have sex.

 

Peter: Well who with?

 

Ambrose: I can't give her name Father.

 

Peter: No no, I meant-- What's your relationship?

He licks his lips.

 

Ambrose: She's my girlfriend.

 

Peter: You seem very sure it's going to happen.

 

Ambrose: She's very keen.

 

Cut to Ambrose's side.

 

Peter: You don't sound very enthusiastic.

 

Ambrose: It's a mortal sin.

 

Peter: Do you love her?

 

Ambrose: With all my heart.

 

Peter smiles: Does she love you?

 

Cut to Peter's side.

 

Ambrose: I'd say so.

 

Peter: Do you believe in marriage?

 

Ambrose: Oh we-- we do of course but...she wants to find out if we're suited.

 

Peter: Suited sexually.

 

Ambrose: Well, yes and she wants to know what I'm like to live with.

 

Peter smiles, says more to himself: Whether you'd wash up.

 

Ambrose: Whether what?

 

Peter: Erm, nothing. So if you, live together and you are suited, then, you'll get married.

 

Ambrose: That's the idea.

 

Peter: Well what do you want?

Ambrose: Oh I want to get married I don't want to live in mortal sin.

 

Peter nods. Just then the fax machine starts up. It starts spitting out something in Italian. Peter looks annoyed.

 

Ambrose: Er, th-- that's why I'm here Father.

 

Peter: Sorry say again?

 

Ambrose: I want absolution.

 

Peter: Well I can't give you absolution for a sin that you haven't committed.

He looks at the fax. It looks like an invoice.

 

Ambrose: Yeah but if you know that I'm going to commit--

 

Peter: I don't know that. You see, not everything is so-- (the fax machine beeps) -- black and white. You see, I think God is sometimes more understanding than we sometimes give him credit for.

 

Ambrose sighs in frustration.

 

Cut to Ambrose's side.

 

Peter: Look, if you're unhappy about this, don't do it.

 

Ambrose, desperately: I have to do it.

 

Peter: OK... (he thinks) ...OK, how about this. Move in together, just don't have sex.

 

Cut to Peter's side.

 

Ambrose, tentatively: What?

 

Peter: You do all the things that couples do...just leave out one of them.

 

Ambrose: That's brilliant.

 

Peter: Well--

 

Ambrose: That's incredible.

 

Peter: I don't know whether she would agree.

 

Ambrose: She wouldn't have to know.

 

Peter: Huh?

 

Ambrose: At first.

 

Cut to Ambrose's side.

 

Peter: Look, this is not a recommendation, you know, I really think that you ought to--

 

Ambrose turns away, opens the sliding door.

 

Cut to Peter's side. The sound of the sliding door drowns out his words. He stops talking. He looks annoyed.

 

Peter: Let me know how it goes.

 

SCENE: BallyK street. Night.

Street outside Fitzgerald's. A telephone is ringing somewhere. A dog barks.

 

Cut to Peter's bedroom (int). Peter is asleep in bed. The phone is ringing. Peter reaches over and turns on the lamp next to the bed. He picks up the phone.

 

Peter: Hello? Father Clifford speaking.

He listens, then props himself up on one elbow, thickly: Sorry can you speak more slowly, I can't understand what you're saying.

He listens again, seems to wake up more: Yes, of course I'll come.

He reaches into the nightstand for something to write with: Um, have you phoned the doctor? Right, um, if you'd just give me your name and how to find you...

He writes something down on a pad next to the phone: Yeah, OK. How many miles?

 

SCENE: Ballykissangel street. Night.

Peter, dressed in priest's uniform, is running as fast as he can. He runs past Fitzgerald's. He runs past Padraig's garage. He knocks on a door. He is out of breath and sweating. It is cold enough to see his breath. He looks up at a window above the door. It is silent.

 

Peter yells: Padraig?

He knocks on the door again. He runs back to the garage. He looks in a window.

 

Cut to garage (int).

 

Through the frosted window, we can see Peter trying to open the door to the garage shed. It is locked.

 

Cut to garage (ext).

 

Peter kicks at the locked door. He shakes it back and forth.

 

Cut to garage (int).

 

The latch on the door starts to move.

 

Cut to garage (ext).

 

Peter shakes the door some more.

 

Cut to garage (int).

 

The door opens. Peter enters, looks around. He turns on the light. He picks up a key hanging on a hook on the wall. He goes over to where the motor scooters are parked. He compares the label on the key with the license plate on the scooter. He sits down on the scooter and puts the key into the ignition. He tries to start the scooter. Nothing happens. He looks frustrated. He looks at the fuel gauge. It shows empty. He taps the indicator. He admits defeat.

 

Cut to garage (ext).

 

Peter wheels the scooter out of the shed and over to the petrol pump. He sets the kickstand and reaches over for the hose. He notices that the pump is turned off. He reads the sign, "THESE DISPENSERS ARE NOT SELF SERVICE--ATTENDANT WILL BE WITH YOU SHORTLY".

 

SCENE: Ballykissangel street. Night.

Peter runs down the street toward Fitzgerald's. He bangs on the blue door (much harder than he did on Padraig's door).

 

Cut to window.

 

A light comes on in the window over the door. Assumpta pulls the curtain aside. She is wearing a night shirt. She opens the window and leans out. Peter is still banging on the door.

 

Assumpta: We're closed.

 

Cut to street.

 

Peter looks up: Assumpta! Please!

 

Cut to window.

 

Assumpta: What do you want?

 

Cut to street.

 

Peter tries to catch his breath: I want to borrow your van.

 

Cut to window.

 

Assumpta: My van? For what, you don't drive!

 

Cut to street.

 

Peter: I know.

 

Cut to window.

 

Assumpta: Then what are you staring?

 

Cut to street.

 

Peter shrugs helplessly.

 

Cut to window.

 

Assumpta rolls her eyes: Oh great.

 

Cut to street.

 

Peter: There's a couple of things I need to pick up from the sacristy, I'll be back in two minutes.

He is about to leave, then turns back: Oh, thank you!

 

Cut to window.

 

Assumpta looks resigned. She closes the window.

 

SCENE: Assumpta's van (int). Night.

 

Assumpta is driving. Peter is on the passenger's seat.

 

Peter: I'd do the same for you.

 

Assumpta: Give me the last rites?

 

Peter: I wasn't being facetious.

 

Assumpta: You meant bloody hopeful.

 

Peter: I don't want an argument.

 

Assumpta: Oh read my lips.

 

Peter gives up: OK.

 

Assumpta: You'd come anyway wouldn't you? Knowing you weren't wanted?

 

Peter: I may not know that.

 

Assumpta: I just told you.

 

Peter sighs: Things change. You may not be able to speak.

 

Assumpta: I'm speechless already.

 

SCENE: Road (ext). Night.

 

Assumpta's van drives along a dirt road. It stops next to Dr. Ryan's car. Peter gets out. He walks over to Dr. Ryan.

 

Dr. Ryan: Before you ask. These are for her. Not for him

He puts some pills into a bottle and looks over toward the house.

 

Cut to house (ext).

 

A woman is standing in the open doorway.

 

Dr. Ryan (off-screen): I'm sorry.

 

Cut to Peter. He looks at the woman. He looks self-reproachful.

 

Dr. Ryan: There's nothing anyone could have done. You're Father Clifford, yeah?

 

Peter: Yes.

He shakes hands with Dr. Ryan.

 

Dr. Ryan: Dr. Ryan. Michael.

 

Peter: When did it happen?

 

Dr. Ryan: Bout ten minutes ago.

 

Peter walks toward the house.

 

Dr. Ryan: Bye.

 

Assumpta walks around the van.

 

Cut to house (ext).

 

Peter walks up to the woman and tries to put his arm around her. She turns away and goes into the house.

 

Cut to cars.

 

Assumpta stands next to Dr. Ryan.

 

Dr. Ryan, in surprise: Assumpta!

 

Assumpta laughs lightly and looks at her feet: Don't ask. Were we too late?

 

Dr. Ryan: Ah. Living way up here. Did you know him?

 

Assumpta: I didn't know it. I hope he didn't suffer.

 

Dr. Ryan: I'd say not.

 

Assumpta: Well. Let's hope God is not as severe as he's said to be.

 

Dr. Ryan nods, pats Assumpta on the arm, walks away. Assumpta wanders over to the house.

 

Cut to house. Shot through window from outside.

Inside, we can see Peter kneeling next to a bed. The dead man is lying in the bed. Peter kisses his stole and lays it around his neck.

 

Cut to window. Shot from inside.

Outside, we can see Assumpta watching the scene inside. She looks concerned. She turns away.

 

Cut to house.

The house is quiet, but all the lights are on inside.

 

Cut to van.

 

Assumpta is sitting in the van, waiting. She looks up.

 

Cut to house.

Peter exits the house. The woman shakes his hand.

 

Cut to van.

Assumpta gets out of the van and closes the door.

 

Cut to house.

Peter steps away and the woman closes the door.

 

Cut to van.

Assumpta walks around the van to the passenger side. Peter approaches.

 

Peter: I should have been there.

 

Assumpta: You wouldn't have been even with your motorbike.

 

Peter: Yes I would.

 

Assumpta: No you wouldn't, you'd be halfway around Glendalough by now, not if you hadn't fallen in.

 

Peter: I should have been there.

 

Assumpta: To hear his last confession.

 

Peter: Among other things.

 

Assumpta: Of a mountainy man.

 

Peter: Do you think I care wh--

 

Assumpta: You wouldn't have understood a word that man said, you'd have given him absolution if he'd asked you for a glass of powers!

 

Peter: At least he would have got it.

 

Assumpta: What difference does ten minutes make?

 

Peter: It makes a difference, to his wife.

He walks to the van and gets in.

 

Cut to van interior.

 

Peter gets in and stares straight ahead. Assumpta gets in and starts up the engine. She turns to Peter.

 

Assumpta: I'm sorry.

 

Peter turns to Assumpta in surprise. He half smiles, looks ahead again. Assumpta backs the van down the road.

 

SCENE: Ballykissangel. Long shot of the town.

 

Peter: Good morning everybody. My name is Father Clifford.

 

Cut to church interior. Peter is standing in the pulpit, wearing a green chasible.

 

Peter: And, before I ask you for your prayers for Tommy Hassett--

 

Cut to pews.

The pews are fairly full. Shot of Brendan, listening attentively, with an open shirt collar. Shot of Brendan sitting behind Padraig.

 

Peter: --who died last night, I just wanted to say, thank you for making me so welcome. You don't need me to tell you how beautiful this place is.

 

Shot of Liam and Donal, sans hats. They both have their arms folded and look slightly hostile.

 

Peter: The hand of God is everywhere.

 

Shot of Ambrose, out of uniform. The doors to the confessional slide open. Everyone turns around. The door slide shut again. Brian looks uncomfortable.

 

Peter: If this is His idea of a joke...On the other hand, perhaps he is trying to tell us something. Brian?

 

Brian's head jerks up.

 

Peter: Would you mind pulling out the plug?

 

Brendan and Siobhan suppress smiles. Brian stands up and walks to the back of the church. Donal suppresses a smile.  Brian unplugs the confessional.

 

Peter, smugly: Thank you.

 

Brian takes a seat on the last row. He looks angry.

 

Peter: Is this what you want? I mean if it is, say it now. It doesn't have to end here. I could order a cappuccino machine. What about a sun bed?

 

People start to stir in the pews. Siobhan smiles openly.

 

Peter: Tell you what. For every three Hail Marys, a course of aromatherapy.

 

Kathleen looks uncomfortable. Several people are chuckling. Someone's cell phone rings. Everyone turns around. Brian looks very uncomfortable. He moves to get up.

 

Peter: It's all right, Brian. I've left the answer phone on.

 

SCENE: St. Joseph's (ext).

People are exiting the church. Peter is greeting them as they leave.

 

Peter: Bye-bye.

 

Brian comes out: If it's all the same to you Father, can we keep the jokes out of the Sunday sermon.

 

Peter: I wasn't trying to be funny.

 

Brian: Well you're a bit of a fine tale.

He walks away.

 

Peter continues to greet the parishioners.

 

SCENE: Confessional.

 

The door slides open. The fax is still hanging out of the machine. Peter sits down, rips the paper out and reads it. It is an invoice in Italian. The total is 54,000,000 Lira. Peter looks peeved.

 

SCENE: Peter's bedroom.

Peter is sitting at his desk, wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. He folds up a paper, opens a drawer, and pulls out an envelope. He puts the paper into the envelope and seals it. He picks up a pen and writes on the front of the envelope.

 

SCENE: Wicklow hills.

The white bus is driving along the road.

 

Cut to bus interior.

Peter is sitting in the bus, holding the envelope.

Cut to Wicklow city street.

The bus pulls up at a bus stop. People get out. Peter is one of them. He is still holding the envelope. He zips up his jacket and looks around both ways.

 

Cut to church. Wide shot.

Outside a large church. Peter walks up some steps toward the church.

 

Cut to church, closeup.

Peter walks around the corner and up some more steps to what looks like a residential door. He slides the envelope into the letter slot, then jogs down the steps again.

 

SCENE: Wicklow bike shop.

Shot through the window of a shop from the inside. We see Peter. He is looking at some motorbikes.

 

Cut to window from the outside. A shop employee hands Peter a helmet. Peter puts it on.

 

SCENE: Brian's office.

 

Fr Mac: Are you out of your mind?

 

Brian: What?

He sits down behind his desk.

 

Fr Mac: You swore to me that this was a gift.

He sits down, too.

 

Brian: What?

 

Fr Mac: The confessional.

 

Brian: It is!

 

Fr Mac: Then what have you invoiced the Bishop for?

 

Brian protests: I haven't invoiced the Bishop!

 

Fr Mac: Well the manufacturers have and he's not a happy man. Especially after all that talk on the television, about leather armchairs and air conditioning.

 

Brian puts his head on his hand.

 

Fr Mac: He wants it out Brian. And if I quote him accurately, before that chancer Quigley starts putting advertising on the doors.

 

Brian: I've only just put it in.

 

Fr Mac: You're not listening Brian. He wants it out and back in Italy before the paint dries. Capisce?

 

Cut to another office.

 

Brian opens the door. A woman is sitting at a desk inside.

 

Brian: Maureen, that confessional.

 

Maureen looks up.

 

Brian: It's on approval, isn't it. Sale or return?

 

Maureen, innocently: Do the Mafia do that Mr. Quigley?

 

Brian closes his eyes.

 

Maureen: I think you took the agreement home.

 

Brian: Did I.

He closes the door.

 

SCENE: Brian's house.

Brian drives up to his house and gets out of his car. Niamh and Ambrose are coming out of the house.

 

Brian demands: What's going on?

 

Niamh, snippily: I don't want an argument Dad OK? I'm sorry.

 

Brian: What?

 

Niamh: I'm moving in with Ambrose.

She walks away to Ambrose's car.

 

Ambrose, reassuringly: It's all right Mr. Quigley, Father Clifford says, there shouldn't be a problem.

He smiles and follows Niamh to his car.

 

SCENE: St. Joseph's.

Brian strides angrily into the church, which appears to be empty. He heads straight for the back of the church, where the confessional is. Another man is there and pushes the button to open the door, about to enter the confessional. The door slides open, Brian goes in, the door slides shut, and the red light goes on. The other man walks away.

 

Cut to confessional interior.

 

Peter's side.

 

Brian: Did you tell Ambrose Egan it was all right to shack up with my daughter?

 

Peter, incensed: Excuse me?

 

Cut to Brian's side.

 

Brian, louder: Did you tell--

 

Peter: I heard what you said and please don't raise your voice to me.

 

Cut to Peter's side.

 

Brian: I'm waiting.

 

Peter: Then wait outside this is a confessional.

 

Brian: Answer my question!

 

Peter: Do you want me to call the guards?

 

Brian: Ambrose Egan is the guards and he'll confirm it.

 

Peter, struggling to control his temper: Please leave. Brian you know that I can't discuss another man's confession. Please, let's talk outside.

 

Cut to Brian's side.

 

Brian pushes the button to open the door. Nothing happens.

 

Peter: Please!

 

Brian, quietly: I can't.

 

Peter: Why?

 

Brian: The door won't open.

 

Cut to Peter's side.

 

Peter, disgusted: Oh come on!

 

Cut to Brian's side.

 

Brian: I'm telling you the door won't open.

 

Cut to Peter's side.

 

Peter: Hold on.

He reaches forward and pushes the green button. Nothing lights up, nothing happens. He pushes it several more times. He turns a knob.

 

Peter, huffily: What do you hope to achieve by this?

 

Brian: I didn't do anything, I swear!

 

Cut to Brian's side.

 

Brian mutters: Maybe just a fuse or something.

 

Cut to Peter's side.

 

Peter, sarcastically: Wonderful. Well. Perhaps we could fax for help.

 

Brian: I'll give you my card.

He opens the grille and hands one of his business cards through to Peter. Peter grabs it and looks at it.

 

SCENE: St. Joseph's (ext).

 

Assumpta runs up to the church. There is a small crowd already standing around outside. Assumpta smiles. Liam is laughing behind his hand. Donal and Kathleen are laughing. Siobhan, Padraig, and Timmy Joe are laughing. Brendan is smiling slightly. Ambrose is guffawing.

 

Cut to roof.

 

The confessional is being lifted up by a large crane.

 

Cut to confessional (int).

 

Brian is holding a pen light: Is the house all right?

 

Peter: The house is fine, Brian, thank you.

 

Brian: Only if there's anything you need, you know.

 

Peter: I'll let you know.

 

Brian: And there's enough turf in the shed?

 

Peter: There's plenty of turf in the shed, thank you.

 

Cut to sky.

The confessional swings high overhead.

 

Brian: I heard you were looking for transport.

 

Peter: Brian, I'm fine for transport. Oh and um, while we're here...

 

Brian: Yeah?

 

Peter: It's just a small thing...

 

Brian: No no no no go ahead go ahead.

 

Peter: When we're in here, I ask the questions.

 

ROLL CREDITS