Ballykissangel Episode 1.3

"Live In My Heart And Pay No Rent"

Written by Kieran Prendiville

Produced by Joy Lale

Directed by Paul Harrison

Transcribed by Margaret Pattison

 

SCENE: St. Joseph's

Exterior. Sunny. Timmy Joe is pulling the head of a statue up to a scaffold outside the church by means of a rope and pulley. A blue van pulls up in the church yard below.

 

Niamh: Are you out of your mind?

 

She gets out of the van and slams the door.

 

Niamh: I mean what are you having a midlife crisis?

 

Brian gets out of the van, too. Timmy Joe smiles in amusement at the two of them.

 

Brian: What are you talking about?

 

Niamh: That's what it looks like to me.

 

She stomps away toward the church.

 

Brian: What because I'm seeing an old friend?

 

Niamh stops before the church door, whirls around, snippily: An old girlfriend.

 

Brian, defensively: So it's an old girlfriend, so what?

 

Niamh, disgusted: You haven't seen her in twenty years.

 

Brian: Twenty-five. So what's your problem.

 

Niamh looks angry, goes into the church, dips her fingers in holy water, crosses herself, and disappears into the church.

 

CUT TO: Sacristy.

 

Peter is reading out of a book to Ambrose. Ambrose is worrying a piece of candy in his mouth.

 

Peter reads: When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child--

 

Ambrose clicks the candy against his teeth. Peter pauses. Ambrose looks up at Peter. Peter continues.

 

Peter reads: But when I became a man--

 

Niamh enters: Sorry I'm late Father.

 

Peter stops reading and gives Niamh a tight smile.

 

Niamh removes her jacket and places it over the back of the chair: Carry on.

 

Peter reads: But when I became a man, I put away foolish things--

 

Niamh sits down and looks at Ambrose: Are you eating a sweet?

 

Peter stops reading, looks from Niamh to Ambrose.

 

Ambrose: What?

 

Niamh sticks out her hand, palm up: Give it.

 

Ambrose: What?

 

Niamh insists: Give it.

 

Ambrose spits the candy out into Niamh's hand. She gets up and puts it in the dustbin, then wipes her hands and returns to her seat. Peter watches this exchange silently, then puts the book down on the desk.

 

Peter: Anyway, it's very beautiful and...a lot of couples choose it--

 

Niamh: Right we'll have it.

 

Peter, surprised at how quickly that was settled: Right. Er, well, that was easy enough.

 

He smiles uncomfortably and looks at the book again.

 

Peter: Marriage they tell me is a little bit tricky, yeah?

 

Ambrose smiles at Peter. Niamh looks at him blankly.

 

Peter: But I won't insult your intelligence by asking if you're both sure you know what you're doing.

 

Niamh, rudely: That's a relief. Are we done?

 

She stands up.

 

Peter can't think of anything else to say: Um...yes, I suppose so.

 

Niamh puts on her jacket. Ambrose clambers over the chairs.

 

Peter tries to be lighthearted: Just think. This time next Saturday, you'll be wondering why you stayed single so long. Isn't that right Ambrose.

 

He smiles brightly in Ambrose's direction.

 

Ambrose, morosely: Tis a lonesome wash doesn't have a man's shirt in it, right enough.

 

Peter's smile fades uncomfortably. Niamh turns and walks out the door. Ambrose points toward her, indicating that he'd better go, too. He quickly exits. Peter looks annoyed.

 

ROLL TITLES

 

SCENE: Hillside.

A ladder is set up outside a wooden shack. Eamonn and another man are climbing the hill. Eamonn is carrying a shepherd's crook, the other man is carrying a clipboard. Liam and Donal are carrying a large piece of plywood toward the shack. They have quite a bit of equipment strewn about on the grass, including a television. It looks like they have brought everything up by horse-drawn trailer.

 

Eamonn: How are you boys?

 

Liam: Oh Eamonn, how's it going?

 

Eamonn: Fine fine.

 

Donal: Can we help you at all?

 

Man: We were looking for sheep.

 

Liam and Donal set the plywood down in front of the shack.

 

Liam: Is that right?

 

Eamonn: Mr. McCann is from the inspector.

 

Liam lifts the ladder and carries it a step closer to the shack, then puts it down again.

 

Liam: Ah. Well I tell you now. We must have passed fifty or sixty on the way up here. That right Donal?

 

Donal: Oh easily.

 

McCann: With a herd of wildebeest were they.

 

Donal: What?

 

Liam nudges the ladder closer to the shack.

 

McCann, disgusted: Nothin.

 

He walks past. Eamonn follows him. Liam climbs the ladder, lifting the plywood up as he goes, with Donal supporting the lower end.

 

SCENE: Hendley's.

A goat is tied up outside the store. Inside, Brian is inspecting a thermos. He gravely puts it down on the counter. Padraig approaches with a few items and puts them on the counter. Kathleen starts ringing them up.

 

Padraig: No matter what they tell you Kathleen, the flask is the greatest invention of the twentieth century.

He picks up the thermos: It you put in something hot, it stays hot, and if you put in something cold, it stays cold.

 

Kathleen agrees: Yes.

(Meaning "And so what?")

 

Padraig: How does it know?

 

Kathleen suppresses a smile and reaches for the cash drawer.

 

Padraig turns to Brian: Niamh all set for the wedding?

 

Brian puts a packet back on the shelf, it is clear he is thinking of something else: Yeah.

 

Kathleen hands Padraig his change and closes the cash drawer: All set? For married life?

 

Brian grunts and walks over to the counter.

 

Kathleen: Anyway.

 

Brian carries a box of tea bags over to the counter: What?

 

Kathleen, brightly: Knowing Ambrose so well. Is that right? You're having the reception at Fitzgerald's?

 

Brian: Yeah that's right Kathleen.

(Meaning "Are you going to make something of it?")

Padraig, dryly: Yeah she's not cheap but where else would you get a black mass with a pint of stout?

 

He walks out.

 

Brian watches him go.

 

CUT TO: Outside.

The goat is still tied up. Padraig comes down the steps, puts down his purchases on a stone, and unties the goat. The goat runs away.

 

SCENE: Hillside.

Eamonn and McCann are standing on a hillside, surveying the landscape. There are no sheep in sight.

 

McCann: It's incredible. It never ceases to amaze me.

 

Eamonn: What?

 

McCann: How the natural camouflage of these...creatures hides them entirely from view.

 

Eamonn, incredulously: We're looking for sheep!

 

McCann, exasperated: Yesss!

 

He walks away. Eamonn follows him.

 

SCENE: River.

Brendan is fishing from the shore. Peter is standing next to him.

 

Peter: And will they find his sheep?

 

Brendan: Well now that very much depends on what you mean by find. They'll turn up. They always do. Not necessarily on the day the inspector comes to count them both. You know sheep. Their own time [OR they're on time??]. On paper.

 

He gives Peter to know that there is something humourous going on.

 

Peter doesn't get it yet: Excuse me?

 

Brendan: It's one of the European Union's more civilized ideas to give hill farmers like Eamonn a small consideration for each sheep.

 

Peter: What they pay him, for his sheep?

 

Brendan: They pay him to keep his sheep. A small subsidy.

 

Peter: Why?

 

Brendan: Because he wouldn't survive without it.

He turns and smiles at Peter: Neither would many of the mountainy men.

 

Peter catches on: And...the more sheep he has, the greater the subsidy.

 

Brendan: Which is why it takes so long to count them Peter.

 

Peter nods knowingly: Right.

 

SCENE: Hillside.

Eamonn points: There's one.

 

McCann: We've already counted that one.

 

A sheep with a blue mark on its side passes before the camera.

 

Eamonn, urgently: No, look! That fella has a limp!

 

McCann: Tired himself out has he?

 

Eamonn: What?

 

McCann: Trying to be in so many places at once.

 

Eamonn: What?

 

McCann, disgusted: Nothin.

 

Eamonn: Come on!

He walks away: We'll try over the mountain.

 

Sheep: Baa.

 

McCann follows Eamonn slowly.

 

SCENE: Quigley's kitchen.

Niamh is feverishly spreading breakfast margarine on soft white bread. Brian enters.

 

Niamh, quickly: I don't want to talk about it.

 

Brian: Oh that's very mature!

 

Niamh: If you want to make a fool of yourself--

 

Brian: I'm not making a fool of meself!

 

Niamh: She won't turn up!

 

Brian: She will!

 

Niamh: She won't!

 

Brian: She will!

 

Niamh goes to another counter and picks up something, brings it back to the first counter.

 

Brian: You read the postcard.

 

Niamh: It didn't say she'd come.

 

Brian: Said she hadn't forgotten.

 

Niamh: I'm not surprised. She's probably having a good laugh like me.

She slams a sandwich down onto a plate.

 

Brian looks down, softly: It's been a long time for me, you know?

 

Niamh growls, pushes the plate at Brian, and leaves without looking at him.

 

SCENE: Ballykissangel.

Street outside Fitzgerald's. Peter and Brendan are walking across the bridge toward the pub. A drink distributor's truck is parked outside the pub. Brendan is pushing his bike. He is still dressed in his fishing gear. Peter steps up on the curb and almost twists his ankle.

 

Brendan: Ahh! That lot should see us through the weekend Peter.

 

In the background, Assumpta and a man come out of the pub.

 

Man: You can't be serious!

 

Assumpta: I am completely serious! I don't want it!

 

She spots Brendan and Peter and pushes the man behind the truck.

 

Assumpta, in a stage whisper: Walter look I-- I only have one customer who drinks the stuff it's not worth the trouble for that one man--

 

They walk quickly to the cab of the truck.

 

Walter: You can't do this!

 

Assumpta: Why not!

 

Walter: I don't know! Treason!

 

Assumpta stops at the open door of the truck, reaches in, picks up a clipboard, and starts writing on it.

 

Assumpta: Walter. When...the tourist season comes around, then I will have a think.

 

She rips a page off the clipboard, keeps the page, shoves the rest of the clipboard at Walter, and hands him his pen.

 

Assumpta: But until then...

 

She walks away, looking at him threateningly.

 

SCENE: Ballykissangel.

Peter and Brendan are walking along the road up toward the church.

 

Peter: How could anyone count the number of sheep scattered over those hills?

 

Brendan: I believe it's a similar problem in Sicily, but Eamonn does what he can.

 

They share a good laugh.

 

SCENE: St. Joseph's.

Timmy Joe is mixing up some cement up on the scaffold. Down below, the goat runs past with Padraig in hot pursuit. Padraig grabs the goat's lead.

 

Ambrose, hotly: I swear Padraig I will lock you up if you don't tie that animal down how often do I have to tell you!

 

Timmy Joe looks down, amused at the scene.

 

Padraig, apologetically: I'm sorry guard, I know, it's the young feller.

 

Ambrose: You're his father, you're responsible!

 

Padraig: I've tried telling him. A goat is for life, not just for Christmas. Come on.

 

He walks away. Ambrose rolls his eyes, walks to his patrol car, which is parked right underneath the scaffold. Timmy Joe laughs. A mouse sniffs at his shoe. It goes over to his lunch and sniffs around. Timmy Joe stomps his foot at the mouse. He loses his grip on the rope which is holding up the statue's head. The head plummets to the earth. Ambrose, in his patrol car, sees the goat run into the church yard. He gets out of the car to upbraid Padraig again. Padraig runs after the goat.

 

Ambrose: Padraig!

 

The stone head hits a platform on the scaffold, then bounces off and crashes through the roof of Ambrose's car, landing on the driver's seat. Ambrose stops in his tracks but doesn't turn around to see what happened.

 

Peter and Brendan have arrived just outside the church yard.

 

Brendan: Mother of God!

 

They run up to Ambrose.

 

Timmy Joe shouts from the scaffold: Ambrose! Are you all right?

 

Ambrose slowly turns around and sees the head lying in his car. Peter and Brendan arrive.

 

Peter, concerned: Ambrose, are you all right?

 

Ambrose, in a trance: I'm OK, I'm fine.

 

Brendan: Sure he's in shock. I'll call the doctor.

 

He starts to leave.

 

Ambrose: I don't need a doctor, I'm fine, OK?

 

Peter: Well if you're sure--

 

Ambrose smiles: It isn't even chipped!

 

Peter and Brendan look at the head in the car. They look up at the scaffold. Ambrose walks into the church. Peter and Brendan look at each other, then at the head again.

 

SCENE: Hillside.

Liam carries the television into the shack. Donal is inside, setting something up on a shelf.

 

Donal: The reception's supposed to be very good up here.

 

Liam sets the television down on a stool, sits down.

 

Liam, dejectedly: Oh yeah. One man and his dog ?? life. Donal--

 

Donal, frustrated: Liam, I don't know. This is what he wants, this is what we'll give him.

 

SCENE: Brian's house.

Brian takes a plastic bag out of a drawer. He sets the bag down on the bed, next to the thermos and sandwiches. He takes a pair of jeans and a shirt out of the bag.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's.

Niamh: Can you not see what this says about my mother?

 

Assumpta: No.

 

Niamh: It says, for twenty-five years my father's been carrying a torch for someone else--

 

Assumpta rolls her eyes: No it doesn't!

 

Peter enters.

 

Niamh: It's disrespectful!

 

Assumpta: No it isn't Niamh would you just--

 

They both turn to see Peter standing at the door, with a goofy smile on his face.

 

Niamh, bothered: What.

 

Peter: It's nothing to worry about.

He walks up to the bar: Assumpta, uh, would you do me a sandwich?

 

Assumpta, as if he has a lot of nerve to ask for a sandwich: What color?

 

Peter retorts: Fresh.

 

Assumpta, sarcastically: Oh. Cute.

 

She goes into the kitchen. Peter watches until he is sure she is out of earshot, then pulls up a chair next to Niamh.

 

Peter tries to break the news gently: OK. Um. Ambrose' car...has had an accident.

 

Niamh starts to get alarmed: What?

 

Peter, quickly: It's all right, he wasn't in it, no one was hurt.

 

Niamh, confused and worried: What do you mean?

 

Peter: Well...something fell on it. But like I said, he wasn't in it. He's up at St. Joseph's, giving thanks.

 

Niamh: What's he giving thanks for?

 

Peter: Well...

 

Niamh realizes: He'd just got out.

 

Peter admits: He's a lucky man.

 

Niamh: Father will you do something for me?

 

Peter: Of course.

 

Niamh: Will you talk to my father?

 

This isn't what Peter expected.

 

SCENE: Brian's house.

Peter's motorbike is parked outside the house. Brian and Peter walk out through the porch, carrying drinks (looks like beer).

 

Brian: She thinks I'm being discourteous to her mother.

 

Peter: And your wife died, what, five years ago?

 

Brian: Five years and six months.

 

Peter: And this woman you're seeing--

 

Brian: I'm not seeing her I haven't seen her for twenty-five years, I'm hoping to see her!

 

Peter: On the mountain.

 

Brian: Yes on the mountain that's where we arranged to meet.

 

Peter: Twenty-five years ago.

 

Brian: I was crazy about her, I was eighteen!

 

He reaches into his back pocket for a piece of paper, and hands it to Peter.

 

Brian: I asked her to marry me.

 

Peter takes the paper. It is a postcard from Belfast. Peter turns it over. It says:

 

"How could I forget?

Rosarie"

 

and it is addressed to:

 

"Mr. B. Quigley

Valley View House

Ballykissangel

Co Wicklow

EIRE"

 

Brian: After she stopped laughing she kissed me. We spent a lot of time up on that mountain.

 

He takes the postcard back from Peter.

 

Brian: Even Father Mac couldn't follow us up there.

Peter looks off into the distance, possibly toward the mountain.

 

Brian: You ever been up?

 

Peter: No.

 

Brian: There's just you and Eamonn's sheep. Anyway we were up there one evening. Not a breath of wind nor a whisper of a cloud.

 

Brian sits. Peter sits opposite him.

 

Brian: We were lying on our backs. And I remember, as the sun was sinking down into BallyK, our feet had halos. Our toes were glowing with holiness. Which is more than could be said for the rest of us.

 

Peter smirks.

 

Brian: Anyway I said to her, we must never lose this. What we have here now. This moment.

 

Peter: What did she say?

 

Brian: She said I was drunk. Maybe I was, but I meant it. And I said to her if ever we split up. If you find someone, or this falls apart or whatever. Can we agree now, to give ourselves a second chance?

 

Peter: To meet up on the mountain?

 

Brian, very softly: That's right. Same time, same place. If we split up. And she said, Brian, the only we're ever going to split up, is if you leave me. And if you do that, you'll break my heart.

 

Peter: Obviously you did split up.

 

Brian looks away: Fell in love with Niamh's mother.

 

SCENE: St. Joseph's.

Ambrose is kneeling before the altar. A single chord from the organ hangs in the air. Ambrose looks up at the crucifix hanging over the altar. Closeup of the crucifix. A bell rings. Peter puts his hand on Ambrose's shoulder. The music fades.

 

Peter: Ambrose. Enough.

 

Ambrose, piously: Leave me alone Father. Please.

 

Peter kneels, crosses himself, stands, and walks away. Ambrose continues to stare up at the crucifix. The music resumes.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's.

Niamh is sitting at the near end of the bar, talking to Siobhan. Assumpta is bustling about, getting an order ready.

 

Niamh: And then he married her and they had me.

 

Siobhan: So what happened to your one? Rosarie. [Say "row-ZAH-ree"]

 

Niamh: She went of to Union Belfast and never came back.

 

Siobhan: So what's your problem?

 

Niamh: She's coming back now.

 

Siobhan: So what?

 

Assumpta: She's afraid of a double wedding.

 

Niamh stares at Assumpta, stands up, and walks out of the bar.

 

Assumpta calls after her desperately: Nia-- Com-- Niamh!

 

Niamh gives Assumpta one parting look, then slams the hotel door. Assumpta puts down the dish she is holding at the next table. Brendan enters through the other door, whistling. He walks up to the bar and sets down the book and newspaper he is carrying. Assumpta goes back behind the bar.

 

Assumpta: What can I get you?

 

Brendan, unfolding his newspaper: Usual of course.

 

Assumpta, knowing how Brendan is going to react: It's off.

 

Brendan, patiently: Well Assumpta, change the barrel. I can wait.

 

Assumpta, coolly: There is no barrel. Not of your usual.

 

Brendan begins to realize the implications. He looks at Siobhan. Siobhan looks over at him.

Brendan: What?

 

Assumpta: I don't have it. There's no call for it. Nobody drinks it.

 

Brendan protests: I drink it!

 

Assumpta: Apart from you! Look around you it's all...American lager and diet cola.

 

Brendan: So?

 

Assumpta: So, that's what I have to keep in the cellar.

 

Brendan: Assumpta, I don't want the beer that made Milwaukee famous! I want my usual! I want my cultural inheritance! I want the drink that defines my country!

 

He bangs the flat of his hand on the bar. He is quite worked up.

 

Siobhan, calmly: Give him a pot of tea, so.

 

Assumpta, calmly: I don't have it.

 

Brendan looks from Siobhan to Assumpta.

 

SCENE: St. Joseph's.

Peter opens the door from the sacristy and steps into the church.

 

CUT TO: Curate's house.

Peter walks up to his house. Ambrose is sitting on Peter's step, hanging his head between his knees.

 

Peter, surprised: Ambrose.

 

Ambrose looks up.

 

Peter, concerned: You OK?

 

Ambrose stands up. He looks like he wants to say something.

 

Peter: Ambrose?

 

Ambrose looks pained: I can't go through with it Father.

 

Peter: Scuse me?

 

Ambrose: I can't get married. The wedding's off.

 

SCENE: Peter's kitchen.

Ambrose is sitting at the table. Peter picks up two cups of tea from next to the stove and puts them on the table. Peter sits down. Ambrose takes a sip of tea. He looks forlorn. Peter tries to look upbeat.

 

Peter: Come on, can't be that bad.

 

Ambrose tries to smile, but looks sick to his stomach instead.

 

Peter: Look I think I know what's behind this but, let me go through the motions anyway.

 

He clears his throat.

 

Peter: You're already married.

 

Ambrose: I am not!

 

Peter: Good. You have some terrible disease.

 

Ambrose: I do not!

 

Peter: Right, now we're getting down to it.

 

Ambrose: Father please. I'm not like other men.

 

Peter hesitates: Yeah I was coming to that. You're gay.

 

Ambrose: What?

 

Peter, slightly relieved: Didn't think so.

He pulls on his ear: Which leaves the big one. God has spared you for a purpose.

 

Ambrose: Don't make fun of me Father.

Peter: Am I wrong?

 

Ambrose admits: No.

 

Peter: And this purpose. What prevents you getting married?

 

Ambrose looks down at the Bible lying on the table between them. He places his hand on it reverently.

 

Peter: Oh Ambrose you can't be serious!

 

Ambrose: I have a vocation Father.

 

Peter: You want to be a priest?

 

Ambrose: I do.

 

Peter: You don't.

 

Ambrose: I do.

 

Peter: You don't, take it from me!

 

Ambrose: I do! I wish I didn't but I do!

 

Peter: You don't!

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's.

Padraig is eating soup at the far end of the bar. Siobhan is sitting next to him. Padraig nods his head in Brendan's direction. Siobhan looks over at him. Brendan is pouring himself a glass of ale from a bottle. He sets the bottle down, picks up the glass, and takes a sip. Siobhan and Padraig await his reaction.

 

Brendan, disgusted: Ah Assumpta for pity's sake.

 

Assumpta: What?

 

Brendan: This!

 

Assumpta: What? It's your usual isn't it?

 

Brendan: It's bottled.

(He says this as if it were synonymous with having gone flat.)

Brendan, petulantly: It doesn't taste the same I don't like it.

 

He turns his back demonstratively on the bar.

 

Eamonn enters.

 

Padraig: Ah ha. Here he is, the Sicilian bandit.

 

Eamonn shuffles up to the bar.

 

Assumpta approaches: Did you see him off Eamonn?

 

Eamonn, fastidiously: Diet cola please Assumpta.

 

He reaches into his breast pocket.

 

Siobhan, slyly: Doesn't he always see them off? Back to Brussels in despair.

 

Padraig: Have you any idea, Eamonn, how much you're costing the European Union?

 

Eamonn, self-righteously: The sheep are there for him to count. If he doesn't have eyes to see, I can't be to blame for it.

 

Siobhan and Padraig smirk to themselves.

 

SCENE: Hillside.

Brian is walking through a field with a backpack on.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's.

Eamonn has taken his diet cola and is walking carefully to a side table.

 

Padraig: Well, I wouldn't feel so confident Eamonn. Seeing off a bureaucrat is one thing, but modern technology's another.

 

Eamonn sits down.

 

Eamonn: What are you talking about?

 

Assumpta: He means a sheep dog that can count.

 

Padraig: I mean a satellite that can count.

 

Siobhan ridicules him: A satellite. That can count sheep.

 

Assumpta, sarcastically: Oh how does it stay awake?

 

Padraig: I mean a satellite that can count the warts on your nose.

 

Brendan, testily: Oh thank God he doesn't get an allowance for the warts. Otherwise the country'd be bankrupt.

 

Padraig: He knows what I meant.

 

Eamonn looks anxious.

 

SCENE: Hillside.

Brian approaches the shack. He is slightly out of breath. He looks around at the scenery, then opens the door.

 

CUT TO: Shack.

Brian enters. Ambrose is there. Ambrose looks up in surprise.

 

Brian accuses him: What are you doing here?

 

Ambrose: I-- I needed some space.

 

Brian, inhospitably: Well I'm glad I could be of help. What for?

 

Ambrose, sheepishly: It's a bit personal, Mr. Quigley.

 

Brian removes the backpack: Pre-wedding nerves is it?

 

Ambrose, quickly: Wh-- Yeah.

 

Brian sets about unfastening the backpack, reassuringly: Well it's only natural Ambrose. Don't worry about it.

 

Ambrose, quickly: No.

 

He looks like he wants to say something more, but doesn't. After a short silence, Brian looks over at Ambrose.

 

Brian, pointedly: Well don't worry about it here anyway.

 

Ambrose, nervously: No. Right.

 

He stands up, points at the door, and walks out. Brian slams the door after him.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's.

Padraig is speaking to Siobhan in low tones, but apparently Eamonn, sitting behind them, is listening attentively.

 

Padraig: I'm only saying what I read in the paper, and apparently the satellite's already up there.

 

Siobhan: But sure what has all this got to do with Eamonn?

 

Assumpta, to Padraig: Stop teasing him wouldya? (To Brendan): Finished?

 

Brendan looks at Assumpta like, "Would I even start?"

 

Eamonn: And these...satellites...count them from the sky.

 

Padraig, loudly: As clear as day. And if they can't see them, they're not there.

 

Eamonn looks worried and thoughtful.

 

SCENE: St. Joseph's.

Father Mac and Peter are climbing the scaffolding surrounding the church.

 

Fr Mac: Well I don't say it isn't tragic but, better he abandons her for the church than for another woman.

 

Peter, reasonably: Father, this is not a good idea.

 

Fr Mac: If he has a vocation, he has a vocation.

 

Peter: He doesn't have a vocation. He just thinks he does.

 

Fr Mac: You can read his mind, can you?

 

They reach the top and examine the stone head that has caused all the uproar.

 

Peter, tiredly: Father, he thinks he does, because he was nearly pulverized by the stone head of St. John the Evangelist, the patron saint of priests.

 

Fr Mac: And so you think he should carry on as if nothing had ever happened.

 

Peter: Well I think four hours on his knees is probably sufficient.

 

Fr Mac: Then he doesn't.

 

Peter admits: No.

 

Fr Mac: So what it comes down to is this that you know his mind better than he does.

 

Peter: No...

He hedges: Yes.

 

Fr Mac: Do you know that we have a shortage of priests in Ireland? Can you imagine a thing like that? A vocation needs to be tested. Put under pressure.

 

Peter: Niamh won't take this lying down.

 

SCENE: Brian's house.

Niamh and Ambrose are sitting in the living room.

 

Niamh jumps up: You're dumping me for God?!

 

Ambrose, earnestly: I'm alive because of him.

 

Niamh: You're alive because a piece of concrete didn't hit you!

 

Ambrose tries to be reasonable: Niamh, I know this isn't easy, it isn't easy for me.

 

Niamh: What? You're asking me to feel sorry for you?

 

Ambrose: No, just...try and understand.

 

Niamh: Understand? I might have understood if the bloody thing struck you but it missed!

 

Ambrose stands: And it was no accident!

 

Niamh: Ambrose don't do this.

 

They stare at each other. The organ music starts up again. Ambrose gazes out the window.

 

Ambrose: I have no choice.

 

Niamh: Look at me Ambrose.

 

He hesitates a few seconds before looking at her.

 

Niamh: You have a choice.

 

Ambrose's look turns loving.

 

Ambrose pleads: Do you think I don't...Niamh...Please--

 

He reaches out to take her hand. Niamh steps back.

 

Niamh: Don't. All of a sudden Ambrose, you make my father look mature.

 

She turns and runs out of the room. The heavenly music continues. A bell rings. The door slams. Ambrose sighs.

 

SCENE: Hillside.

It is night. A light is on in the shack. We can hear the sound of a motor running. The motor hesitates, the light in the shack dims slightly, the motor continues and the light gets brighter again. Brian is sitting inside, holding a tinfoil-wrapped sandwich. He looks at the sandwich, then reaches for his cell phone. The light inside the shack keeps getting dimmer and brighter. Brian dials his phone. He tosses the sandwich on the floor.

 

Brian, into phone: Liam? I'm in the hut. Yeah. Could you get up here. Now!

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's.

Niamh is sitting at the kitchen table, crying and pulling her engagement ring off. Assumpta sits down next to her.

 

Assumpta, sympathetically: Ah Niamh, oh come here.

 

She leans over and embraces Niamh. Niamh sobs. The door opens. It is Peter.

 

Assumpta: It's all right. It's all right.

 

Niamh sobs.

 

Peter, contritely: Niamh, I'm so sorry.

 

Assumpta and Niamh move apart. Niamh stops sobbing. Assumpta looks at Peter.

 

Peter protests: Oh come on, you don't think this was my idea!

 

Assumpta: Oh you! And your stupid church what's the difference!

 

Peter leaves in a hurry.

 

Niamh turns to Assumpta and starts crying again. Assumpta hugs her again.

 

Assumpta: It's all right.

 

Niamh sobs some more.

 

SCENE: Shack.

Brian is sitting in an armchair, huddled under his coat. The door opens. It is Liam.

 

Brian: Oh Liam.

 

He tosses the coat off and gets up.

 

Brian: I want you to do something for me.

 

Liam, insulted: How are you Liam. Nice to see you Liam. Thanks for coming Liam.

 

Brian, baffled: What?

 

Liam: Ah nothing. What can I do for you Mr. Quigley?

 

Brian: A woman called Rosarie comes by. Phone me immediately.

 

He picks up a big flashlight.

 

Liam: A woman called Rosarie.

 

Brian: That's right.

 

Liam: I-- I-- Is this likely to happen?

 

Brian walks to the door, gently moving Liam aside.

 

Brian: It's a strong possibility.

 

Liam: Mm. Tonight.

 

Brian: Soon.

 

Liam: And you'll be at home.

 

Brian: Yes.

 

Liam: While I'm here.

 

Brian: Waiting for your call.

 

He opens the door, steps out, and closes it behind him. Liam puts his hands in his pockets and hunches up his shoulders. He looks cold. The light goes out.

 

Liam: Ahhh for the love of--

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's.

Peter is at the bar, downing a beer. Padraig and Siobhan are at the end, laughing. Brendan is sitting next to Peter, looking annoyed. The book "The Firm" is lying on the bar next to him. Eamonn is still sitting at the side with his back to the wall.

 

Siobhan: Ambrose, a priest!

 

Padraig, laughing hard: ?? know you're talking to him.

 

Siobhan and Padraig laugh even harder.

 

Peter: It's not funny Padraig!

 

He drains his glass.

 

Siobhan: ?? it is now. ?? poor Niamh!

 

Siobhan and Padraig burst out in a new round of laughter. Peter puts his glass down and walks away. Eamonn runs after him.

 

Eamonn: Father!

 

Peter turns around. Eamonn catches up to him and grabs his arm.

 

Eamonn: Could I have a hoot?

 

Peter: Sure.

 

Eamonn: Am I right. You're an educated man.

 

Peter, modestly: Well, yeah.

 

Eamonn: All right. Is it true then, that satellites can see the warts on your nose. If they had a mind to.

 

Peter: Well, I don't know about the warts on your nose but um, something the size of...oh I don't know...a sheep? Maybe?

 

Eamonn walks away, distressed: Thank you Father.

 

Peter, disappointed: You're welcome.

 

SCENE: Brian's house.

Brian walks through his living room, carrying a glass of whisky. He takes a sip. He walks up the stairs. He knocks on Niamh's door.

 

Brian (on other side of door): Niamh?

 

He knocks again.

 

Brian: Niamh.

 

He opens the door, steps in and looks around. The room is empty. The bed is made, the lights are on. Brian looks irritated. He walks quickly back down into the living room. He stops and takes a sip of his drink, then sets it down firmly on a table.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's.

Siobhan and Assumpta are cheering Niamh up at the bar. Niamh is drunk.

 

Niamh: I don't care anymore. I don't care if he becomes a priest or a publican, I want nothing to do with him.

 

Assumpta: Well there's nothing wrong with being a publican.

 

Niamh: I didn't mean it--

 

Assumpta: Sshh.

 

Siobhan: Still it is a shame about the reception.

 

Niamh: There'll be a reception.

 

She straightens up. Brendan and Padraig, at the other end of the bar, are watching with glee.

 

Niamh: I want my reception.

 

Assumpta, warningly: Niamh--

 

Niamh insists loudly: I want my reception I want to be able to say thank you to my friends who gave us presents, and then give them back.

 

Siobhan: Niamh--

 

Niamh: And then I'd like to dance and get drunk and fall over.

 

Assumpta: Well it's hardly a wedding reception.

 

Niamh: That's what I'm going to call it. Hardly A Wedding Reception.

 

Brendan and Padraig giggle.

 

Assumpta: Come on, we'll talk about this tomorrow. Up to bed.

 

She stands up and walks around behind Niamh, putting her arm around her shoulders.

 

Niamh: What?

 

Assumpta: You're not going home to an empty house.

 

Niamh: I haven't finished my drink.

 

She reaches for it, but Siobhan is quicker. Siobhan drains the glass.

 

Niamh: That's not very nice.

 

Assumpta: Come on.

 

She helps Niamh off the chair.

 

Niamh frowns at Siobhan: I don't think I'll be inviting you to my reception.

 

Siobhan: That's all right, we'll talk about it in the morning.

 

Siobhan takes one of Niamh's arms while Assumpta supports her around the back. Together the three of them walk toward the stairs.

 

Assumpta: Come on now.

 

SCENE: Eamonn's workshop.

It is night. Eamonn is sawing something. Sawdust is falling on the floor.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's.

Assumpta walks down the stairs. Peter enters. They see each other and slowly walk toward each other.

 

Peter: How is she?

 

Assumpta: She's asleep anyway.

 

They are both silent for a moment.

 

Assumpta: What I said to you before, I-- I was out of line.

 

Peter shakes his head, looks down: No problem.

 

Assumpta: You know what this is all about, don't you.

 

Peter: What.

 

Assumpta: With Ambrose.

 

Peter: Well I know what he's told me.

 

Assumpta: Yeah, yeah that's what he's made himself believe but that's not the real reason.

 

Peter frowns: No?

 

Assumpta, self-assuredly: No no no no, he's lost his bottle.

 

CUT TO: Guard house.

Brian is pounding the knocker on the door outside.

 

Brian shouts: Ambrose? Ambrose!

 

He pounds the knocker some more.

 

Brian: Come on out!

 

Ambrose sticks his head out of a side window.

 

Ambrose: Mr. Quigley will you keep it down please.

 

Brian: Is my daughter with you?

 

Ambrose, nervously: What?

 

CUT TO: Fitzgerald's.

Assumpta: He's been pushing like mad to get Niamh to the altar. Now she's agreed suddenly he's thinking, ooh, I'm getting married. No I bet I'm right--

 

Peter looks uncertain. He glances toward the upstairs. From outside we hear shouts and thumps.

 

Brian (outside): Come out here!

 

Ambrose pleads (outside): Mr. Quigley--

 

Brendan and Padraig try to look out the window.

 

Assumpta: No let the guard deal with this. Not a priest yet.

 

Siobhan bursts in, looks around, sees Peter.

 

Siobhan: Father!

 

Assumpta: Let Ambrose deal with it!

 

Siobhan: It's Ambrose that's being throttled!

 

Peter looks like "Oh for the love of Mike" and dashes for the door. Siobhan grins at Padraig and Brendan and motions for them to come out, too. They laugh and dash for the door as well.

 

CUT TO: Guard house.

Ambrose is hanging half out of the window, his head through the fence. Brian has him by the collar of his pajama and is shouting something about wanting to kill him. Peter, Brendan and Padraig pull Brian away. Ambrose gets his legs out the window as well, then disengages his head from the fence.

 

Ambrose: It's all right. He has every right.

 

Peter, disgusted: Oh Ambrose!

 

Brendan and Padraig are holding Brian back.

 

Brian, to Peter: And after I'm finished with him, I'm coming for you.

 

Peter: No you're not you're going home to bed and keep the noise down before you wake up your daughter.

 

Brian: Where is she?

 

Peter: Assumpta's looking after her.

 

Ambrose looks relieved.

 

Brian: All right, all right.

 

He elbows Brendan and Padraig away.

 

Peter: OK, OK lads we're fine now.

 

Brendan and Padraig walk back toward the pub. Brendan is grinning.

 

Peter: Ambrose?

 

Ambrose points toward the window.

 

Peter: Come on Brian I'll walk you home.

 

He pats Brian on the shoulder. They also walk away. Ambrose climbs back in the window, feet first, then closes the window.

 

SCENE: Shack.

It is night. Liam is outside, trying to start an electric generator. A lantern is on the ground.

 

Liam: Come on don't do this on me ??

 

He pulls on the string and the motor comes to life. He rubs his hands.

 

Liam: Heh heh! Good man yourself!

 

He pats the generator, picks up the lantern and runs back around the shack.

 

SCENE: Ballykissangel.

Morning. A red car pulls up in front of Fitzgerald's. Walter the drink distributor gets out.

 

CUT TO: Fitzgerald's.

Walter is sitting at the bar. Assumpta is wiping the bar down.

 

Walter: I'm asking you to change your mind.

 

Assumpta: Why.

 

Walter: Because I think you're acting precipitously.

 

Assumpta stops scrubbing the bar and looks at Walter: Precipitously.

 

Walter: Hastily.

 

Assumpta: Ah right.

 

She resumes cleaning.

 

Assumpta: So you think I should wait until I have no customers who want the stuff instead of just one has Brendan Kearney been on to you?

 

Walter: Please. Look I understand how you feel--

 

Assumpta: Oh good!

 

Walter: But the thing is there's a public relations problem here.

 

Assumpta, rudely: Well let him drink bottled I still have that.

 

She storms away into the kitchen.

 

Walter calls after her: For us not for him! If it ever got out that an Irish pub stopped taking draft--

 

Assumpta comes back and leans in the doorway. She looks interested.

 

Walter: So I have a proposition for you. We'll give you the stuff.

 

Assumpta whispers incredulously: What?

 

Walter: Only until the tourist season starts, after that it's back to normal OK?

 

Assumpta looks like that's an offer she can't refuse.

 

Assumpta: Can I get you something?

 

Walter looks around: Yeah get us a Bud.

 

Assumpta suppresses a smile and goes to get it.

 

SCENE: Eamonn's farm.

Geese are wandering around the yard. Inside the shed, Eamonn is hammering a nail into a rough-cut piece of wood. He is nailing a short piece of wood onto a crate. He turns the crate around but we still can't tell what he is making.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's.

Assumpta is leaning over the desk, writing something. She hears a sound and looks toward the upstairs. Niamh comes down the stairs. She looks like hell. She sits down on the landing.

 

Assumpta: Did you sleep all right?

 

Niamh is breathing heavily: I don't know I was unconscious. Did I have a lot to drink?

 

Assumpta: Oh yes. Will I make you a sandwich?

 

Niamh smiles yet looks like the mere thought makes her sick: Oh no thanks.

 

She breathes heavily a couple of times, then stands up slowly.

 

Niamh: Look about the reception.

 

Assumpta: No no, forget it.

 

Niamh: I don't want to forget it. I meant it. I want to have it.

 

She comes the rest of the way down the stairs, but is suddenly overcome by nausea.

 

Assumpta turns back to her work: Not on the carpet.

 

SCENE: Ballykissangel.

Ambrose, on his rounds, comes around a corner and sees a van parked outside Fitzgerald's. It is gaudily painted, on the side it says in graffiti-style "Ireland's Hit Factory U3 One Up On Theres" (sic). Peter walks down the street from the church toward the pub. He also sees the van, and he sees Ambrose. Some musicians are carrying equipment from the van into the pub. Ambrose walks uncertainly in the other direction.

 

CUT TO: Fitzgerald's.

Assumpta is standing up on a chair, hanging streamers from the ceiling. Peter is standing on the floor next to her.

 

Assumpta: You know Father the days are gone when a priest could just think something and it would happen.

 

Peter: You're overreacting!

 

Assumpta: And you're overreaching.

 

She gets down from the chair.

 

Peter: All I said was, I didn't think this was a good idea.

 

His voice fades away as Niamh enters.

 

Niamh: What's going on?

 

Peter: Niamh--

 

Niamh takes the other end of the streamer from Assumpta and climbs up onto another chair.

 

Niamh, innocently: Are you coming to my party?

 

Peter: Look, is this really what you want?

 

Niamh: Why not?

 

Peter: A reception without a wedding?

 

Niamh: Where am I going to get a husband at this notice?

 

Peter: I don't want you to get hurt.

He gestures toward outside: I don't want Ambrose to be hurt.

 

Assumpta: Ambrose?

 

Peter: He's very confused.

 

Niamh rolls her eyes and looks at Peter.

 

SCENE: Ballykissangel.

A long line of cars snakes down the road into town. A man gets out of his car.

 

Man: OK here?

 

Ambrose, listlessly: Wherever you like.

 

Some more people get out of the car. (This is the scene from the opening credits).

 

CUT TO: Fitzgerald's.

 

Assumpta fills a glass with stout from the tap, then hands it to Brendan. (This shot of a hand carrying stout along the bar is also in the opening credits.)

 

Brendan, appreciatively: Would you look at that.

 

Assumpta looks beautiful, with her hair pulled back, makeup on, and a red top with translucent sleeves. Brian enters and walks up to the bar.

 

Brian: I'll have the same please Assumpta.

 

Assumpta looks at him, startled.

 

Brian: Last time I had a pint of that stuff...

He looks around at the guests: Was the day my daughter was born.

He turns back around and slaps his hand on the bar top: Right. Tab starts now.

 

Murmurs of approval from the guests. Assumpta picks up a notebook and writes on one page "Brian's Slate" and on the facing page "Stout".

 

SCENE: Shack.

Liam is doing pushups on the floor of the shack. The generator's motor is still audible. Liam does three pushups, then collapses on the floor. He rolls over onto his back. The light dims, then brightens again. Liam reaches over and picks up the sandwich that Brian had discarded.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's.

The place is hopping. A band is playing and people are dancing. There is a banner behind the band that reads "HARDLY A WEDDING RECEPTION". One of the women, dancing with Padraig, has on a top very similar to Assumpta's, also dark red, with lacy sleeves. Shot of the wedding cake, with three layers. On top are two little figures of the bride and groom, only the groom is inserted upside-down, so that his head is buried in the icing. Donal and Peter are conversing at one end of the bar, but the music and crowd noise is too great to hear what they are saying. Niamh is sitting at a table, surrounded by women we don't know. She is wearing a sleeveless, flower-print dress. She is drinking orange soda. Then she reaches for her neighbor's glass of stout and takes a sip. She looks impressed.

 

Niamh: That's good!

 

She hands the glass across the table to one of the other women.

 

Niamh: That's very good that is.

 

The glass of stout gets passed around the table for everyone to try. Assumpta, behind the bar, looks over at Niamh's table and sees all the women trying the stout. She sighs.

 

SCENE: Eamonn's workshop.

It is night again. Eamonn is banging away at a crate.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's.

The band is playing a slow song. "I Need Your Love". Padraig is still dancing with the same woman in red. The song ends. Everyone applauds. Brian, sitting at the bar, looks around dejectedly. Assumpta goes up and takes the mike.

 

Assumpta: Ladies and gentlemen.

 

The audience applauds and hoots.

 

Assumpta: Ladies and gentlemen please, come on, a bit of hush.

 

The crowd falls silent. Some people are coming down the stairs, carrying presents.

 

Assumpta: OK...er...well, there's no point in pretending this is the joyful occasion it was supposed to be. Erm, on the other hand, some of us do have a living to make. EH! And this is still a reception even if it isn't quite what Brian had in mind--

 

Brian is sitting at the bar, his hand on his head.

 

Assumpta: And...being a reception, ah, Niamh would like to say a few words. So come on Niamh. It's all yours.

 

The crowd applauds politely. Niamh stands up and makes her way to the front. She takes the microphone from Assumpta. Assumpta leaves the stage area. Peter moves to the front of the crowd. He looks concerned.

 

Niamh, nervous: Seemed like a good idea at the time. Hardly A Wedding Reception. Although I don't think Father Clifford, agreed.

 

She smiles shyly at Peter, who smiles also.

 

Niamh: I know my father doesn't.

 

Brian is still sitting at the bar, looking depressed.

 

Niamh clears her throat and continues: Thank you all for coming, and thank you for all your presents. I don't know who gave what exactly but they're here if you want to collect.

 

She gestures to the pile of gifts. She starts to cry, then catches herself.

 

Niamh: It's O-- It's OK, it's fine. I'll be all right. There's something I want to say. A lot of you have been immensely supportive.

 

She looks at Assumpta, who smiles quietly and looks down.

 

Niamh: I know what most of you think of Ambrose. I heard some of it, and I said the rest myself. But give him a chance would you? He's not a bad man. He's not a cruel man.

 

Assumpta rolls her eyes and looks like "Mother of God, save us from bleeding hearts."

 

Niamh: He's just...confused.

 

She looks at Peter. Peter nods imperceptibly.

 

Niamh: So take it easy on him OK? Just let him work it out. Thank you.

 

She replaces the microphone, then runs up the stairs. Both Assumpta and Peter move toward the kitchen. The band starts playing again. Brian looks thoughtful.

 

CUT TO: Kitchen.

Assumpta and Peter go into the kitchen alone. Assumpta closes the door.

 

Assumpta: You have got to do something.

 

Peter frowns: Why me?

 

Assumpta closes the other door.

 

Assumpta, peeved: He listens to you.

 

Peter: I wish you had.

 

Assumpta, defensively: This reception wasn't my idea!

 

Peter: And what am I supposed to do?

 

Assumpta: Oh well you could try disabusing him of this stupid priest idea for a start!

 

Peter shouts: You know it is just possible that his vocation might be genuine!

 

Assumpta, incredulously: Uh!

 

Peter relents: All right, I agree with you.

 

He sits down on the edge of the table. Assumpta steps closer to him.

 

Assumpta, quietly: I am not trying to ridicule the priesthood.

 

Peter: Today.

 

Assumpta: Can we agree that someone has to do something?

 

Peter: You mean me!

 

Assumpta steps even closer to Peter.

 

Assumpta: Look. This...statue.

 

Peter: St. John. You can say it.

 

Assumpta: Are you sure it's him.

 

Peter: With the words St. John chiseled beneath his feet, I'm sure.

 

Assumpta: Then lie.

 

Peter: What?

 

Assumpta: Be economical with the truth. It's an English tradition isn't it.

 

They were doing so well, but that broke the bond. Peter stands up and walks a couple of steps away, then turns toward her.

 

Peter: It's a sin to tell a lie.

 

Assumpta laughs shortly and scoffs: Oh please, says who?

 

Peter, lamely: Can't remember.

 

Assumpta: That's more like it.

 

Peter sits down and thinks. Assumpta walks around to the door.

 

Assumpta: He'll never get to heaven if he breaks her heart.

 

Peter: Dionne Warwick, right?

 

Assumpta: Mm-hm.

 

Peter nods. Assumpta opens the door and goes back out into the pub, then closes the door. Peter thinks some more.

 

SCENE: Ballykissangel.

It is night. Ambrose is sitting by the river, gazing up at the church tower. He looks desolate.

 

CUT TO: Fitzgerald's.

The revelry extends out the door. A crowd of partygoers is standing outside, chatting and drinking. From the interior, the pulse of the band is still audible. Peter makes his way through the crowd onto the street.

 

CUT TO: Bridge.

Ambrose is sitting on the bridge, looking down into the river. Peter hops up and sits next to him. Ambrose tries to ignore him.

 

Peter: Good band.

 

Ambrose: Hm?

 

Peter: At Fitzgerald's.

 

Ambrose: Oh.

 

Peter: And Assumpta was worried that they might be a bit noisy.

 

Ambrose: You only get married once.

 

Peter smiles and looks down.

 

Ambrose: Do you think I'm mad?

 

Peter: No!

 

Ambrose: You think I'm wrong though.

 

Peter: Yup.

 

Ambrose: Easy to say.

 

Peter: Yeah. And if I was you and that had been the stone head of...I don't know, St. Francis of Assisi, then I'd probably want to chuck my job in too and become a vet.

 

Ambrose shakes his head in disgust.

 

Peter: I'm not trying to mock you Ambrose. I don't think you're right. But, it didn't happen to me. I'm not feeling what you're feeling.

 

Peter smiles and looks down again.

 

Ambrose, curious: What?

 

Peter: Well you saved me a speech anyway.

 

Ambrose: Did I.

 

Peter: Well more of a pep talk really.

 

Ambrose is about to say something, but Peter speaks first.

 

Peter: You would not believe the amount of people going to get married who suddenly get cold feet. I mean it's not that they don't want to go through with it, they just start to get these terrible feelings of doubt, you know, there goes my freedom, am I ready for this? Well I mean, you probably felt the same thing yourself before... Anyway.

 

Ambrose is about to say something again, but Peter continues.

 

Peter: You know, I once read somewhere, that a man who fears love, fears life, and I thought, that's it! That's exactly what it is! A man, who fears love, fears life.

 

Ambrose frowns, thinking this over.

 

Peter: You know, and once you know that, well suddenly commitment doesn't seem terrifying any more. And why would you want to cut yourself off from one of the richest experiences that life has to offer. Anyway.

 

Peter hops down.

 

Peter: Oh, by the way. You were wrong about the patron saint of priests.

 

Ambrose looks down at Peter, confused: What?

 

Peter: The patron saint of priests is John the Evangelist.

 

Ambrose: I know.

 

Peter: Well the statue that nearly hit you was John the Baptist!

 

He turns up his collar.

 

Peter: Ugh. I'm getting cold.

 

He pats Ambrose reassuringly on the arm and walks away. Once his back is to Ambrose, he looks up and sighs like "Whew, I can't believe I got away with that one." Ambrose sits on the bridge, legs dangling.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's.

The guests are all drinking stout. The band is still playing. Assumpta opens her notebook and fills in another entry under "Brian's Slate", then another under "Stout". Both pages are fairly full. Ambrose enters. He nods at Peter, who is standing near the door, then walks through the bar. Niamh comes down the stairs. She sees Ambrose. The band stops playing in mid-song. Everyone turns to look at Niamh. Peter and Assumpta exchange a look. The crowd parts for Niamh. She and Ambrose walk toward each other.

 

Ambrose: Will you marry me?

 

Niamh: Probably.

 

Ambrose: Can I kiss you?

 

Niamh: Yeah.

 

Ambrose leans over quickly and kisses her hard. Niamh puts her arms around his neck. The crowd applauds and hoots. Niamh and Ambrose step apart. Niamh looks around, smiling self-consciously yet pleased.

 

Ambrose: Would you like a drink?

 

Niamh, self-consciously: Glass of stout.

 

She rubs Ambrose's arms. The crowd says "Aah!" and applauds again. Peter looks at Assumpta and smiles. She smiles back. Peter walks away. The band starts playing again. People start dancing again. Padraig grabs another lady to dance with (she's not as attractive as his first dancing partner).

 

SCENE: Eamonn's farm.

The geese are squawking around the yard.

 

CUT TO: Workshop.
Eamonn is stacking crates up.

 

SCENE: Hillside.

A woman is approaching the shack.

 

CUT TO: Shack.

Inside, Liam is sitting in the armchair, under a plaid blanket, asleep. A knock sounds at the door. The woman opens the door and sees Liam.

 

Woman: Oh hello. Am I in the wrong hut?

 

Liam opens his eyes and slowly sits up.

 

CUT TO: Brian's bedroom.

Brian is lying in bed, asleep. The phone rings. He wakes up and answers the phone.

 

Brian: Yeah?

 

CUT TO: Shack.

Liam is standing outside the shack, talking into a cell phone. The woman is standing behind the shack, looking at the scenery.

 

Liam: Mr. Quigley. She's here. Your one.

 

Brian, wide-eyes, hangs up the phone.

 

CUT TO: Hillside.

Brian is climbing up to the shack as quickly as he can.

 

CUT TO: Shack.

Rosarie opens the door and comes out of the shack. She smiles when she sees Brian. Liam is behind her. Brian opens his arms wide and runs toward her. She opens her arms wide, smiles, and runs toward him. When they meet, she socks him in the jaw. He falls to the ground. She gasps in pain and shakes her hand.

 

Brian: What was that for?

 

Rosarie, angry: For dumping me you faithless bastard.

 

Brian: Well it was twenty-five years ago!

He feels his mouth for blood.

 

Rosarie: Well it still happened!

 

Brian gets up.

 

Brian: Rosarie! Come on!

 

Rosarie: How couldya?

 

Brian: Well you went away!

 

Rosarie: For the weekend.

 

She cringes in pain and holds her hand tenderly.

 

Brian: Here let us look at that.

 

She holds up her other hand to stop him.

 

Rosarie: No don't touch it.

 

Brian feels his mouth again.

 

Rosarie: Your mouth is bleeding.

 

Brian: Yeah well. I had it coming.

 

He brushes off his hat.

 

Rosarie: You had far worse than that coming.

Brian: But you went away to Queens.

 

Rosarie: That was after.

 

Brian: No you were always going to go.

 

Rosarie protests: Well I would have come back!

 

Brian puts his hat back on. They both look around. Both feel sheepish.

 

Rosarie, quietly: Sorry about your wife.

 

Brian nods: Yeah.

 

Liam: Will there be anything else Mr. Quigley?

 

Brian: Are you still here?

 

Liam takes his hands out of his pockets and pinches himself on the wrist, then nods.

 

Liam: Apparently.

 

Brian nods toward the town: Go on!

 

Rosarie tries to suppress a smile, then giggles as Liam goes past on his way down the hill. Brian looks slightly amused himself.

 

CUT TO: Hillside.

Liam is walking down a muddy path. He passes a large rock, then sees a field dotted with sheep. Wooden sheep. He stops and does a double-take, then grins broadly.

 

Liam: You all right there Eamonn?

 

Eamonn is unloading the sheep from his truck a little farther down.

 

Eamonn: Yeah, thanks!

 

Liam chuckles: Good man.

He continues on his way.

 

CUT TO: Lough Tay.

Brian and Rosarie are lying next to each other on the hill overlooking the lake.

 

Rosarie: I'm not staying Brian.

 

Brian: No?

 

Rosarie: My husband might wonder where I've got to.

 

Brian: Ah.

 

Rosarie: What does he think, I've joined the nuns?

 

Brian: Spose not.

 

He sits up.

 

Brian: You have a family?

 

Rosarie: Yeah.

 

She sits up too.

 

Rosarie, proudly: Three young men.

 

Brian: That's great. Full time job I'd say.

 

Rosarie: No. I have one of those, too.

 

SCENE: Ballykissangel.

Ambrose is writing out a parking ticket across the street from Fitzgerald's. Peter approaches.

 

Peter: Good morning Ambrose!

 

Ambrose: Good morning Father.

 

Peter looks at the vehicle which Ambrose is ticketing.

 

Peter: That's Assumpta's van.

 

Ambrose: I believe so.

 

He finishes writing up the ticket and folds it up.

 

Peter: She was a great comfort to Niamh when she needed it.

 

Ambrose: Well sure.

 

He chuckles and puts the ticket under the wiper blade.

 

Ambrose: There's good in everyone isn't that right Father.

 

He punches Peter lightly on the shoulder, smiles, and walks away. Peter's mouth flaps open and shut silently.

 

SCENE: Hillside.

Brian and Rosarie are walking down the same muddy path that Liam used.

 

Brian: Well Professor. Is there a lesson in all this.

 

Rosarie: It's too late for the learning wouldn't you say? Anyway I don't teach these days.

 

Brian: Oh. What do you do?

 

Rosarie: Well at the minute I'm heading up a research project for the European Union.

Brian: Go away.

 

Rosarie: Fascinating. Still we could use the money.

 

They pass the big rock and stop by the field where Liam saw Eamonn's wooden sheep earlier.

 

Brian: And what is it?

 

Rosarie: Well it's monitoring the output from a satellite. Well. You'd probably call it counting sheep.

 

She looks across the meadow and falls silent.

 

Brian, wondering why she stopped: What.

 

The meadow is dotted with sheep, but they are too far away to tell whether they are Eamonn's wooden ones or not.

 

Rosarie snaps out of it: Ach. Nothing. Just...exactly as I remember it. Peaceful. Still.

 

Brian looks across the meadow, too, and does a subtle double take.

 

SCENE: Ballykissangel.

Outside the curate's house, there is a lot of construction machinery. Fr Mac's car is there with a sign in the window "PRIEST ON CALL".

 

Fr Mac shouts (offscreen): You did what?!

 

CUT TO: Curate's house.

 

Peter: Hang on, it was his decision.

 

Fr Mac, angry: Which he hardly took alone. You know how rare vocations are these days.

 

Peter, reasonably: Father, Ambrose isn't a priest, he's a policeman, natural born, cold-hearted, ruthless--

 

Fr Mac snaps: There's good in him!

 

Peter: Yeah I'm not saying that there isn't, I'm just saying at his job he's a zealot! Better out there on the street than in the confessional...

He glances out the window and his voice fades out.

 

CUT TO: Street.

Outside, Ambrose is standing next to Fr Mac's car. A tow truck is ready to tow it away.

 

Ambrose: OK, take it away!

 

CUT TO: Curate's house.

 

Peter, offhandedly: How did you get here?

 

Fr Mac: I drove of course!

 

Peter: Right.

 

He steps away from the window and walks slowly toward the door. Fr Mac steps up to the window and looks out. He sees his car being towed and Ambrose standing right there watching the proceedings.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's.

Assumpta is rolling an empty barrel out of the pub. Peter is sitting on the blue bench outside. Assumpta picks up the barrel and carries it over to where several other barrels and crates are stacked.

 

Peter: Keeps you fit.

 

Assumpta: Yeah I can see you're rushed off your feet.

 

Peter: Listen, I can be called out any time of the day or night.

 

Assumpta: I know. You'd wake me up to tell me.

 

They smile at each other. Assumpta goes back into the pub.

 

Peter calls after her: How's Niamh?

 

Assumpta (from inside): Oh.

 

She comes back out, carrying a crate.

 

Assumpta: Getting back her self respect. Giving Ambrose a hard time.

 

She puts the crate down with the others.

 

Assumpta: Father. When two people are meant to be together, there's no force on this earth that'll keep them apart. I mean, you can delay the inevitable like Ambrose did.

 

She walks back to the door. Peter follows her intently with his gaze.

 

Assumpta: Or you can help speed it up like you did.

 

Peter corrects her: We did.

 

Assumpta: Huh. If it was meant to happen it'll happen.

She goes back inside.

 

Peter leans around and calls: That's a bit homespun for you.

 

Assumpta (inside): Well.

She comes back out, carrying another crate.

 

Assumpta: I was trying to make you feel better about losing a live one.

 

Peter smiles and takes a sip from his cup. Assumpta sets the crate down on the bench.

 

Assumpta: Oh. Before I forget.

She reaches into her back pocket and pulls out an envelope and hands it to Peter.

 

Peter: What?

 

Assumpta: It's for the church roof.

 

Peter opens the envelope and sees what is inside. He looks up at Assumpta in disbelief.

 

Peter: What?

 

He is at a loss for words.

 

Peter: Wh-- Thank you! I don't know what to say.

 

Assumpta: Don't say anything. We got through an awful lot of stout last night.

 

The bus arrives. Fr Mac walks down from the church and gets on the bus. Peter and Assumpta watch.

 

Assumpta: Another coffee?

 

Fr Mac takes a seat in the bus. The bus pulls away. Peter holds his cup up to Assumpta.

 

Peter, with humour: Why not.

 

Assumpta takes the cup and goes back inside.

 

ROLL CREDITS