BALLYKISSANGEL
Episode 6.6

"In A Jam"

Written by Ursula Aspill de Brun

Transcribed by Margaret Pattison

 

SCENE: Hendley's interior.

 

Kathleen is humming a ditty to herself. She picks up a handmade poster. It reads "BALLYKISSANGEL PARISH FETE - VENUE: PARISH FIELD - DAY: SATURDAY - LIVE MUSIC AND DANCING - JAM MAKING COMPETITION - TOMBOLA - DONKEY RIDES - PETS ..."

 

SCENE: Daytime. Sunny. Garage exterior.

 

Liam and Donal are leaning against the flatbed truck, backs to the camera. Edso is standing idly in front of them.

 

Donal announces: That time of year again.

 

Liam: Yeah.

 

Edso looks from Donal to Liam, curiously: What time?

 

Donal ignores Edso, turns around to face the camera, leans over on the flatbed: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

 

Liam turns around to face the camera, too. He is counting some money: Nah. Father Mac always scuppers it.

 

Edso takes the diesel hose out of the truck, replaces it on the pump: Eight ninety. Scuppers what?

 

Donal ignores Edso, stands up: Father Hart (??) isn't in charge of the fete this year.

He reaches over and grabs a bill from Liam, hands it to Edso: Father Sheahan is.

 

Edso takes the bill from Donal. Liam taps his forefinger on the side of his nose, looks at Donal. Donal nods in conspiratorial agreement.

 

ROLL TITLES

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's interior.

 

Oonagh brings a sandwich to Brendan and a bowl of soup to Siobhan, who are seated at the end of the bar.

 

Oonagh: There. Are you emcee again at the fete, Brendan?

She leans against the bar.

 

Brendan looks up from his crossword: For my sins, Oonagh.

 

Oonagh turns to Siobhan: I suppose you'll be doing pet's corner.

 

Siobhan, subdued: I don't know.

 

The door opens. Frankie enters.

 

Oonagh: Ah, Frankie.

 

Frankie smiles: How are you?

She walks over to the bar.

 

Oonagh steps over to the bar near Frankie: What can I get you?

 

Frankie glances over at what Brendan and Siobhan have: Soup and sandwich, thanks, Oonagh.

 

Oonagh reaches down to get silverware for Frankie.

Frankie: Siobhan.

 

Siobhan looks up.

 

Frankie: Did you know that one of your tires was down? Back left.

 

Siobhan: No, I didn't.

 

Frankie nods: You'd...want to see to it sooner rather than later. Could find yourself stuck.

 

Brendan looks up: Oh Siobhan can change a tire as quick as any man.

 

Siobhan turns to Brendan, hostilely: That's not saying much.

She gets up, says to Oonagh: Scuse me.

She leaves.

 

Brendan watches her go, puzzled. Frankie and Oonagh exchange glances, then look at Brendan. Brendan looks at them, then at Siobhan's seat. He reaches over and picks up the soup, places it in front of himself.

 

Brendan, to Oonagh and Frankie: She'll be all right.

 

Frankie and Oonagh look at each other, stunned.

 

SCENE: Daytime. Sunny. Priest's house exterior.

 

Donal and Liam are standing outside the door. Liam knocks three times. The door opens. Father Vincent comes out, holding a cup of coffee.

 

Fr Vincent, pleasantly: Hi fellas.

 

Donal and Liam: Father.

 

Liam: We're here about the cow in the field competition.

 

Fr Vincent: The what?

He takes a sip of coffee.

 

Liam: Local tradition.

 

Donal: Very popular.

 

Fr Vincent swallows, skeptically: Popular where?

 

Liam: Parish fete.

 

Donal: You give the OK, we'll organize it.

They turn and leave.

 

Fr Vincent stands there for a moment, open-mouthed. Then he raises one finger: Fellas.

 

Donal and Liam turn around again.

 

Fr Vincent: Think you'd better come inside.

 

Liam walks straight inside. Donal walks more slowly, straightens his jacket.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's kitchen interior.

 

Oonagh is washing the dishes. She turns around. Paul is sitting morosely at the table, holding a cup of coffee in both hands.

 

Oonagh: What are you doing?

 

Paul looks up: Hm?

He pauses, then says: I'm thinking.

 

Oonagh: That always means trouble.

 

Paul smiles: Thinking moves the Dooley empire along.

 

Oonagh: As long as it moves it in the direction of owning this pub, I don't mind.

 

Paul: We will. Eventually.

 

Oonagh, warningly: Paul...

 

Paul puts down his cup: Diversification, Oonagh. All the great players diversify.

 

Grainne enters, walks over and puts her hands on the back of Paul's chair.

 

Oonagh: All ready, love?

 

Grainne: Yeah.

 

Oonagh reaches over and picks up Paul's cup: Here. Diversify yourself up to the yard with Grainne.

 

Grainne: Dad, do you think when I grow up I can own a yard just like Avril's?

 

Paul gets up: Course you will princess.

He pushes his chair in, turns to Oonagh: See?

He points to Grainne: Thinking ahead.

He puts his hand on Grainne's head, leads her out of the kitchen: Come on.

He chuckles.

 

Oonagh watches them go, smiles, returns to the dishes.

 

SCENE: Siobhan's house interior.

 

Siobhan descends the stairs, followed by Dr. Ryan.

 

Siobhan: Chicken pox. I should've recognized it.

 

Dr. Ryan: Well it's a mild enough dose. She's over the worst.

 

They reach the front door. Siobhan unlocks the door.

 

Dr. Ryan: Um, on the other front.

He leans his hand on the open door: How are you bearing up?

 

Siobhan: I need to know. One way or another.

 

Dr. Ryan: Couple of more days. Try not to dwell on it.

 

Siobhan: Easier said than done.

 

Dr. Ryan gives her a small smile.

 

Siobhan: Thanks, Michael.

 

Dr. Ryan leaves. Siobhan closes the door, looks around despondently.

 

SCENE: Daytime. Overcast. Hendley's exterior.

 

Oonagh ascends the steps and looks at the poster about the church fete hanging on the door. The door opens and Kathleen comes out, smiling. She closes the door.

 

Kathleen: I'm going for the ten in a row this year.

 

Oonagh: Sorry?

 

Kathleen: Jam competition. I have a bit of a reputation.

 

Oonagh, wistfully: Hadn't thought of doing anything myself.

 

Kathleen: But you must! What the fete's all about. Community spirit Oonagh. Good example from the leaders of the community.

 

Oonagh takes up the challenge: Right. Well Fitzgerald's is all about community service, Kathleen. And we give a very good one. To the leaders of the community.

She turns and walks down the steps.

 

Kathleen watches her archly.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's kitchen interior.

 

Oonagh is rummaging in a cabinet. She pulls out a metal box, closes the cabinet, and brings the box to the table. She opens the box and starts looking through it. It seems to be full of scraps of paper. Paul enters, reading a newspaper. He walks behind Oonagh, looks at what she is doing, folds the newspaper.

 

Paul: What you looking at?

 

Oonagh continues looking at scraps of paper: Diversifying, Paul.

 

Paul grunts.

 

Oonagh continues looking at scraps of paper: Must be in here somewhere.

 

Paul: What?

He puts the newspaper under his arm.

 

Oonagh continues looking through the box: Your mother's recipe for gooseberry jam.

 

Paul scoffs: I thought she brought that to the grave with her.

 

Oonagh, proudly: Nope. She left it to me.

She holds up a piece of paper, looks at it: For spite.

She looks at Paul, sneakily: And for spite it shall be used.

 

Paul sees something interesting in the box, points at it: Hey--

 

Oonagh slaps his finger, closes the box, picks it up and walks away.

 

SCENE: Daytime. Sunny. Hilltop.

 

Liam and Donal are leaning against a fence, talking to Louis.

 

Louis: I've the very lady here for you that'll do the job that's her...

He points to a cow standing by a shed: Brown Beauty over there, heh. The pride of the herd. Running down genes all in the fete, heh. (??)

 

Liam and Donal smile appreciatively.

 

The cow moos.

 

Louis clears his throat: Fifty pound then. It's a juicy. (??)

 

Donal and Liam look at each other, shrug. Liam reaches into his pocket for the money. Louis starts singing a ditty to himself. Liam hands Louis the money. Louis takes the money, spits on it, puts it into his pocket, and walks over to the cow. Liam and Donal start to climb over the fence.

 

Louis waves his hand at them, cautions: Whoa, lads lads wait wait.

 

The cow moos tremendously.

 

Louis: Right, right.

He walks back to Liam and Donal: She's a...easy fright. (??)

 

The cow moos.

 

Louis: Another twenty and I'll explain everything to you.

He starts singing to himself again.

 

Liam and Donal look at each other again. Donal leans over and rests his chin on the fence. Liam sighs and reaches into his pocket for more money. He counts it off and hands it to Louis. Louis takes the money and spits on it, puts it into his pocket. He spits on his hand and holds it out to Liam. Liam reluctantly spits on his hand and shakes Louis's hand. Louis spits on his hand again and holds it out to Donal. Donal spits on his hand and shakes Louis's hand.

 

Louis: I'll bring her down to you then lads.

 

Liam and Donal nod, turn, and walk slowly away, wiping their hands on their jeans.

 

SCENE: Siobhan's house interior.

 

Siobhan is standing in front of the mirror, one hand inside her shirt, staring at herself sadly. A door slams. Siobhan startles.

 

Brendan calls (off-camera): Siobhan!

 

Siobhan buttons up her shirt.

 

Brendan enters: Hello!

 

Siobhan, incensed: Look, where do you get off, walking into my house without knocking.

 

Brendan, innocently: You've just asked me to babysit. Anyway, since when's it been a problem? I am Aisling's father.

 

Siobhan, shortly: I'm aware of that.
She grabs her jacket from the hook next to the mirror, picks up her bag: If she wakes up give her some juice.

 

Brendan protests: Siobhan--

 

Siobhan: I have to go. There's a problem at the yard.

She opens the door and leaves.

 

Brendan: Well, that's not the only place there's a problem.

 

SCENE: Stable interior.

 

Siobhan is listening to a horse's stomach with the stethoscope. She steps away from the horse: It's just colic.

 

Avril, skeptically: Are you sure? I was worried in case he was impactive?

 

Siobhan: It's not. He'll be fine.

She pats the horse's side and walks out of the stable.

 

Avril: It's just...can't afford any setbacks right now.

She walks out of the stable, too. Grainne is standing behind her.

 

Siobhan stands in the yard: Would you like a second opinion?

 

Avril protests apologetically: No, Siobhan, I'm sorry, I didn't mean...I'm under a lot of pressure.

 

Siobhan, shortly: Well join the club.

 

Avril: What?

 

Siobhan, subdued: Ah nothing.

 

Avril: Well it doesn't sound like it. Come on, what's up?

 

Siobhan: Another time.

She glances at Grainne: Little pigs have big ears.

 

Grainne, sarcastically: Oink oink.

 

Siobhan picks up her vet bag and walks away.

 

Avril calls after her: Take care.

 

Siobhan waves her stethoscope over her shoulder in acknowledgement.

 

Avril watches her go.

 

SCENE: Daytime. Field.

 

Donal is pushing a field painting contraption along the ground. Liam is watching him and giving him advice.

 

Liam: Watch out watch out you're veering a bit to the left there Donal.

 

Donal protests: I am not going left!

 

Liam insists: You are, you're going ??

 

Donal: Get out of the way or I'll paint you.

 

CUT TO: Wide shot.

 

Fathers Sheahan and MacAnally are standing at the gate to the field, watching Liam and Donal.

 

Fr Mac: Tell me Father, how are things shaping up for the fete?

 

Fr Vincent: Ah pretty good, I reckon. Pretty good.

He turns to Fr Mac and smiles.

 

Behind them, a blue truck with a trailer attached drives up and honks. There is a cow standing on the trailer. The priests move aside and open the gate. The truck drives through the gate onto the field. The cow moos. The priests close the gate again and stand there watching. Liam and Donal start shouting something unintelligible at the driver of the truck.

 

Fr Mac, dryly: So. We're having the cow in the field competition.

 

Fr Vincent: Bit of a strange custom, Father, if you don't mind me saying so.

 

Fr Mac: Not at all. I take it Donal and Liam explained it to you in full.

 

Donal, Louis, and Liam are standing in the field, talking excitedly and waving their arms about.

 

Fr Vincent, skeptically: Sort of. They know what they're doing though.

 

Fr Mac, amused: Oh I'm sure they do.

He chuckles: The question is, Father, do you?

He turns and walks away.

 

Fr Vincent frowns and looks around.

 

SCENE: Daytime. Overcast. Stable exterior.

 

A horse is being led out of its stable. Avril is standing in the yard, talking to a man. Grainne is there, too.

 

Avril protests: Come on, George.

 

George: I want a second opinion. You can see yourself there's been no improvement.

 

Avril tries to convince him: There will be, just give it time.

 

George: No offense, Avril, but I don't want to risk it.

He walks in the direction of his horse trailer.

 

Avril follows him, starts to get upset: George, you know how careful I am with my horses, this could happen to anyone.

 

George stops, turns to Avril: It could. But in this case it's happening to you. Not to mention the fact that TJ's been here almost a year, and he's still won nothing.

 

Avril nods her head: It that what this is really about. George, TJ is a great horse, but he's not exactly a Nijinsky.

 

George turns and walks away without answering. He pauses beside the trailer, looks back across the yard and sees a cow on a lead, held by Donal and Liam.

 

George, to Avril: Call me when this place is somewhere near the yard it used to be.

 

They all look at the cow. Donal and Liam seem to be having difficulty leading her. Avril glances once more at George, then runs over to Donal and Liam. Grainne follows her, but hangs back at the stable door.

 

CUT TO: Other side of the yard.

 

Avril, beside herself, through her teeth: What are you doing!? Are you trying to ruin me?

 

Liam: We thought you wouldn't mind us parking her here while we were working.

 

Avril is so angry she can hardly find the words: Did you. Really. Well thanks to this...

 

Donal and Liam helpfully point at the cow for her.

 

Avril continues: ...fiasco! I'm going to have to leave the two of you off for a start. Or should that be the three of you!

She leaves in a huff.

 

Liam, to Donal: Business people. They're all the same. Bossy.

He turns to the cow: That right, Bertha, hm?

He rubs the cow's nose.

 

Donal points out: We're business people.

 

Liam: Hm. Lovely.

 

CUT TO: Stable exterior.

 

Grainne slips inside the empty stable.

 

SCENE: Siobhan's practice interior.

 

Siobhan is examining some sheep. Brendan approaches from outside, stops in the open doorway and knocks on the door frame.

Siobhan looks up at him: That's not funny.

 

Brendan: Wouldn't want to be accused of invading anyone's privacy.

 

Siobhan sighs, puts down her clipboard, and walks past Brendan out the door: I don't need this right now, Brendan.

 

Brendan: You think I do?

 

CUT TO: Outside.

 

Brendan follows Siobhan to the house: What in the name of God's wrong with you?

 

Siobhan walks away from Brendan, taking off her apron: That's my business.

Brendan: Ah, so there is something wrong.

 

Siobhan turns around and shouts: Would you just leave me alone!

Then she goes to the door.

 

Brendan: I'd like to know.

He catches up to her at the door, caringly: Why can't you tell me?

 

Siobhan looks for a moment like she's going to soften, but then says: Brendan, did it ever occur to you, that I am not obliged to tell you everything? I'm coming Aisling.

She goes inside, accidentally letting fall a slip of paper.

 

Brendan picks up the paper and looks at it. It says "HEALTH ACT CHARGE -- ST. COLIN CILLE'S HOSPITAL -- ??" He looks around, concerned.

 

SCENE: Dr. Ryan's office interior.

 

Dr. Ryan is looking through a file drawer. Brendan is standing behind him.

 

Brendan: Come on, Michael. Siobhan and I are hardly strangers.

 

Dr. Ryan takes out a file, closes the drawer, and turns to Brendan.

 

Brendan: If there's something seriously wrong with her, surely I ought to know.

 

Dr. Ryan: Brendan, I've told you, I cannot discuss Siobhan's health with you.

He hands Brendan a piece of paper (I think it must be the health care receipt that Brendan found earlier).

 

Brendan demands: So am I to be the only person around here who doesn't know what's going on?

 

Dr. Ryan gives Brendan an apologetic look.

 

Brendan, sarcastically: Thank you.

He walks to the door, then repeats, louder: Thank you very much!

He opens the door, walks out, and slams the door.

Dr. Ryan shakes his head.

 

SCENE: Daytime. Sunny. Yard.

 

Paul's car drives up into the yard. Paul gets out, takes off his sunglasses, and closes the door. He looks around. He walks toward where Liam and Donal are supposed to be working and puts his sunglasses in his shirt pocket. He stops in front of the construction site and looks at the mess.

 

Grainne calls (off-screen): Daddy!

 

Paul turns around.

 

Grainne runs up to Paul: Dad!

 

Paul: What's up princess?

 

Grainne, still running: The yard might close down!

She reaches Paul.

 

Paul bends over to look Grainne in the eye: Really?

He straightens up, turns around to look at the unfinished construction.

 

Grainne whines: Well what'll I do? I won't have my job.

 

Paul: Course you will.

 

Grainne: But how?

 

Paul bends over to Grainne again, echoes: How. How.

He straightens up again, puts his arm around Grainne's shoulder, leads her to the car: Because whatever my princess wants, she gets. Get into the car, pet.

He lets go of her shoulders and walks around to the driver's side. He stops to look around the yard once more, looking very thoughtful.

 

SCENE: Hendley's interior.

 

Kathleen is unwrapping a silver trophy cup. She glances at Dermot, who is standing by the newspaper rack looking at a magazine. She sets the cup and another one up on a shelf behind the cash register, where there are already a couple of other cups. The door opens. Fr Mac enters.

 

Kathleen: Father. What can I get you?

 

Fr Mac leans over, picks up a newspaper: The paper.

 

Dermot looks over at the cups on the shelf: They all your cups, Kathleen?

 

Kathleen, proudly: They are, Dermot.

She glances up at them: For my jam.

 

Dermot turns to Fr Mac: Is making jam big around here? Only me ma's at it as well.

 

Kathleen, concerned: Your mother's making jam?

 

Dermot: Yeah. Gooseberry.

He leans over and puts some money on the counter: See ya.

He leaves with the magazine.

 

Kathleen looks around, panicked, whispers to Fr Mac: Oonagh Dooley has a reputation. As a fancy cook.

She gets upset, indicates the cups: I'll never make number ten!

She leans forward slightly, as if she had an idea, whispers: Father--

 

Fr Mac: Not now, Kathleen.

 

Fr Vincent enters, steps past Fr Mac and picks up a newspaper.

 

Fr Mac: Hello, Father Sheahan. I was just on my way to give you the good news.

 

Fr Sheahan: Good news?

 

Fr Mac: About the jam making competition. You're judging it!

 

Fr Sheahan looks carefully from Kathleen to Fr Mac: Since when?

 

Fr Mac: Since I deputed you.

He turns and leaves.

 

Fr Sheahan steps up to the counter: My mum always made her own. Famous for miles around.
He gives Kathleen some money: You can't beat homemade strawberry jam.

 

Kathleen's face falls, she whispers hoarsely: I make gooseberry, Father.

She looks crestfallen.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's kitchen interior.

 

Oonagh is measuring out some sugar. There are gooseberries and jam making paraphenalia all over the table. Paul walks past, leans against the sink, considers two ties.

 

Paul: Which one?

 

Oonagh studies her recipe: That's what I'm wondering.

 

Paul looks at Oonagh: Hm?

 

Oonagh: I want to jazz up your mother's recipe and I don't know whether to use chartreuse or Irish mist.

She picks up a bottle of wine and unscrews the lid.

 

Paul: Ah, whatever you do love, I'm sure it'll be a winner.

He holds one tie up against his shirt: You know the Dooley motto...

He holds the other tie up against his shirt: Dooleys always win.

He gives Oonagh a sly look.

Oonagh chuckles and puts the bottle down: This isn't about winning, Paul.

She walks into the pantry: About fitting in. And if making jam for the fete is the way to do it...

 

Paul: Well you can always throw in a couple of barrels of beer.

 

Oonagh takes the lid off a large pot: I'm already doing that.

She picks up the pot.

 

Paul, skeptically: You are?

 

Oonagh carries the pot into the kitchen: We're sponsoring the beer tent. This one's for me.

She suddenly realizes what Paul has been doing: What are you doing in your good suit?

 

Paul: Well uh, Cattermole and his wife are coming down for lunch. So.

He holds up both ties in front of Oonagh: Which one.

 

Oonagh touches one of the ties. Paul puts on the other one, giving Oonagh a little smile.

 

Paul turns his back to Oonagh: How are me shoulders?

 

Oonagh gives both shoulders a quick swipe: Lot clearer than your conscience Paul.

 

Paul laughs weakly.

 

SCENE: Daytime. Sunny. Yard.

 

A silver car is parked in the middle of the yard. A driver and a woman are standing next to it. The woman is looking impatiently at someone off camera.

 

Avril (off-camera): Yes, Mr. Cattermole. I'll be there. Three o'clock. Fine.

 

CUT TO: Avril's office exterior.

 

Through the open door, we can see Avril talking on the phone:  Thanks a million. Bye.

She hangs up the phone, smiles at the woman outside and steps outside.

 

Avril: Mrs. Forbes. How are you?

She walks over to her.

 

Mrs. Forbes, snippily (off-camera): Not best pleased, Avril.

 

CUT TO: Yard.

 

Mrs. Forbes, huffily: George was on the blower.

 

Avril, resignedly: Thought he might.

 

Mrs. Forbes: Well and frankly I'm thinking of sending my man to collect Spinner.

 

Avril, firmly: No, don't do that, Mrs. Forbes.

 

Mrs. Forbes: Sorry, Avril, but things don't seem to be working out with you at the helm. And one has a responsibility to one's animal.

She walks away and gets into her car.

 

Avril looks steamed.

 

SCENE: Hendley's interior.

 

Kathleen is putting postcards on the rack. Siobhan walks up to the counter and puts her shopping basket down.

 

Kathleen: How's your little Aisling?

She walks over behind the counter.

 

Siobhan: She's much better.

Kathleen: I heard she hasn't been well. It's great the way the young can bounce back.

She starts adding up Siobhan's purchases: Still. It's taken its toll on you.

She peers at Siobhan: You look very peaky. I always think it must be a hard job being a mother. What's between a mother and her child is very special.

 

Siobhan starts crying, turns away.

 

Kathleen doesn't notice: That'll be fourteen twenty-two.

 

Siobhan sniffles: I'm sorry Kathleen.

 

Kathleen stops and takes notice of Siobhan.

 

Siobhan sniffles: Can't find me purse.

She starts to sob.

 

Kathleen, shocked: For lands sake, Siobhan! What's wrong?

 

Siobhan shakes her head, continues to cry. Kathleen runs over to the door and turns around the "CLOSED" sign and locks the door, then goes over to Siobhan.

Kathleen puts her arm around Siobhan: All right. I'll make us a strong cup of tea.

 

Siobhan nods and lets Kathleen guide her to the back.

 

SCENE: Stock room interior.

 

Siobhan and Kathleen are sitting at a table, drinking tea. Siobhan is still sniffling.

 

Kathleen, gently: You're tormenting yourself thinking about it. And it may not come to that. It could be a cyst.

 

Siobhan's voice trembles: It's just the waiting, Kathleen.

 

Kathleen, wisely: I know.

 

Siobhan looks at Kathleen questioningly.

 

Kathleen: Oh, it was a good while ago now. And the worst thing I did was keep it all to myself. Have you told Brendan?

 

Siobhan shakes her head, looks away: Can't.

 

Kathleen, sympathetically: You should.

 

Siobhan: And what's he going to do, Kathleen? Come riding in on his white charger?

She sniffles again.

 

SCENE: Bank manager's office interior.

 

Avril is sitting in Lucius Cattermole's office.

 

Cattermole, helplessly: Miss Burke. What can I do?

He rolls his chair back and consults his computer screen: A missed payment last month.

The computer beeps: And on a loan of six figures.

He punches the keyboard and the computer beeps twice. He turns to look at Avril sternly, rolls his chair forward to lean his arms on his desk: That's a very slippery slope indeed.

 

Avril tries to be optimistic: Things will pick up, believe me.

 

Cattermole, darkly: I'm not so sure.

 

Avril, nervously: What have you heard?

 

Cattermole: Sick horses, nervous owners, empty stables. If you had a horse, would you keep it at your yard?

 

Avril, sweetly: Well I have, and I do.

 

Cattermole: Well that's a bit like a publican drinking his own stout. It doesn't pay the bills, Miss Burke.

 

Avril blinks and looks down.

 

SCENE: Bank exterior.

 

Avril is walking away from the bank. As she reaches the gate, Fr Vincent is there.

 

Fr Vincent, pleasantly surprised: Hello.

He smiles at her.

 

Avril, breathless: Father Sheahan.

She nods toward the bank: Checking on parish funds.

 

Fr Vincent: Jam competition. Bank's sponsoring it.

 

Avril nods in understanding: Well you want to watch yourself. It's a bit of a sticky character our Mr. Cattermole.

 

They smile at each other, not knowing what to say.

 

Fr Vincent, sincerely: How you doing?

 

Avril: Still all in one piece. For today.

 

Fr Vincent: That's the only way isn't it. Day at a time.

 

Avril: Yup. Some days are a lot longer than others, so don't count your chickens.

 

Fr Vincent, seriously: I never do.

 

Avril: Good. Neither do I. Ha.

She nods to him with good humour and walks away.

 

Fr Vincent watches her go, then calls after her: Avril...

 

Avril turns around, whipping her hair around like in a shampoo commercial.

 

Fr Vincent: I'm at the end of a phone.

 

Avril smiles and nods at him, then walks to her car. Fr Vincent looks satisfied, walks into the bank.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's interior.

 

The pub is busy. One table is set elegantly. Paul is running around behind the bar. Edso walks up to the bar. Donal and Liam are sitting at the bar. Paul sets down two beers next to them then walks away.

 

Donal, to Liam: Think we'll make much out of the competition tomorrow?

 

Liam switches their beers: We'd better. Cause thanks to some people...

He turns to look behind him.

 

CUT TO: Corner table.

 

Louis is sitting alone at a corner table, watching Liam and Donal like a hounddog.

 

Liam (off-camera):...cow's costing us a fortune.

 

Louis swirls his stout around and looks triumphant.

 

CUT TO: Bar.

 

Edso scoffs: What are youse going on about? Rumour has it you're loaded.

 

Donal: Avril laid us off.

 

Liam: What's it to you anyway?

 

Edso: Isn't that right, Paul? Our lads are loaded.

 

Paul puts a pint of stout in front of Edso: What do I care. Now just so you should all understand, this is just a PR exercise, all right?

He shakes the drips off his hand and looks at Edso, indicates the pint: Bring it over to Louis.

 

Edso picks up the stout and walks over to Louis.

 

Liam, conversationally: Would that be PR as in, personal responsibility to the customers, Mr. Dooley?

He laughs silently to himself.

 

Paul: Now look I'm warning you. As long as my guests are here, it's happy hour. When they leave, it's over.

 

CUT TO: Corner table.

 

Edso is now sitting at Louis's table.

 

Louis chuckles: You ask me, never really started.

 

CUT TO: Bar.

 

Paul leans across the bar: Yeah well nobody's asked you.

He looks around, harried: And for God's sake will you all try and look happy!

 

Donal and Liam make extremely goofy faces.

 

CUT TO: Door.

 

Lucius Cattermole enters with a blowsy looking woman.

 

Paul (off-camera): Mr. Cattermole.

 

Cattermole: Paul.

He closes the door.

 

CUT TO: Bar.

 

Paul grabs two menus and rushes out to greet him. He walks around the bar, holds out his hand: How are you?

 

Cattermole shakes his hand: You've met the wife.

 

Paul: I've had the great pleasure, how are you Mrs. Cattermole?
He holds out his hand to her.

 

Mrs. Cattermole shakes his hand: I'm very well. And you? And how are those lovely children of yours? Dermot and Grainne, straight out of our great Celtic myths. And your lovely wife Lula?

 

Paul looks around nervously, cannot get a word in edgewise: Oonagh?

 

Mrs. Cattermole: Oonagh, oh, how could I forget? Wasn't it Charlie Chaplin was married to an Oonagh, yes I think it was--

 

Cattermole, warningly: Aubretia.

 

Mrs. Cattermole stops talking, smiles sweetly at Paul.

 

Paul: Yes well, bit of lunch.

He indicates they should follow him to the table.

 

Cattermole: Thank you.

 

SCENE: Hendley's exterior.

 

Fr Vincent is walking past the shop, looks up and sees Kathleen outside, greets her in passing: Hi Kathleen.

 

Kathleen watches him pass, hurries into the shop, then comes quickly back out carrying two jars. She runs after Fr Vincent, sings out: Father!

 

Fr Vincent looks around to see who is speaking to him, finally turns around and stops.

 

Kathleen catches up to him: I know it's strawberry you like but uh, I might get you to branch out after you've tasted my, my gooseberry. Every year I give a pot or two to Father MacAnally.

 

Fr Vincent, tactfully: That's very nice of you, Kathleen, and I'm always willing to give something new a go.

 

Kathleen beams.

 

Fr Vincent: But, let's wait till after the competition.

 

Kathleen's smile fades.

 

Fr Vincent holds up the jars, smiles broadly: I'll see that Father MacAnally gets these.

He walks away.

 

Kathleen looks troubled.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's interior.

 

The patrons are all extremely merry. Paul makes his way through the crowd, carrying a tray with a liquor bottle and two glasses. When he reaches the Cattermoles' table, he puts the tray down: Well, high spirits there.

He takes a seat.

 

Cattermole: Oh yes, splendid lunch. Compliments to Mrs. Dooley.

 

Paul: Ah yes.

He takes the bottle and the glasses off the tray.

 

Cattermole: Pity she couldn't join us.

 

Paul: No no no she's up to her eyes. As you can see the place is a bit of a gold mine. And who knows. With the extra capital, you might even see a Michelin star.

He nods knowingly at the Cattermoles.

 

Aubretia looks impressed.

 

Cattermole, pointedly: You haven't made any changes since you took over.

 

Paul: No, I like traditional. The wife wanted to but, well. It isn't up to her.

He smiles patriarchally at Cattermole.

 

Cattermole: Women often have a nose for good business moves.

 

Paul looks slightly deflated.

 

Cattermole: Aubretia has a diploma in interior decorating.

 

Aubretia nods primly at Paul.

 

Paul backtracks: Well. Nothing is set in stone, eh?

 

Aubretia: Well, it...could do with a bit of color, Mr. Dooley. I always think that a warm terra cotta with just a hint of purple is so relaxing for the mind, and I--

She looks at Cattermole.

 

Cattermole gives her a look that says she should stop right there.

 

Aubretia: I'll...just go to the powder room, shall I?

She picks up her bag, stands up and walks away.

 

Paul and Cattermole rise from their seats halfway then sit down again.

 

Paul: A little brandy perhaps.

 

Cattermole: Oh.

He indicates with his fingers that he will take just a little.

 

Paul readies the brandy: You know, Mr. Cattermole.

He uncorks the bottle and starts to pour himself a glass: Now that I look around--

He realizes he should pour for the guest first: Oh I'm terribly sorry.

He pours Cattermole a glass: Now that I look around, the place could do with a little redecorating.

He pours for himself and recorks the bottle: Would uh, Mrs. Cattermole be free? Should I get the green light to expand of course.

 

Cattermole: Oh I'm sure I could make her available.

 

Paul sighs, then smiles hopefully at Cattermole: Is that a yes?

 

Cattermole: Assuming it's cleared with your landlord.

 

Paul scoffs: Father Sheahan? No problem.

 

Cattermole: Ah yes, the curate. He's judging the, the jam competition.

 

Paul, politely: Is he?

 

Cattermole: Yes. My wife is entering. She enters many competitions. It would please me greatly if she won one.

 

Paul gets the idea, tries to look enthusiastic. He takes a sip of brandy.

 

SCENE: Siobhan's house interior.

 

Brendan descends the stairs, looks back upstairs, then looks into the room where Siobhan is standing. He sighs, then walks over to Siobhan.

 

Brendan, softly: She's sleeping.

 

Siobhan stares out the window, does not respond. Brendan turns and walks back out the door.

 

Siobhan: No wait.

 

Brendan stops, comes back into the room.

 

Siobhan turns to Brendan: I want to tell you something. I...I found a lump.

 

Brendan, shocked: What? When?

 

Siobhan, quietly: Couple of weeks ago.

 

Brendan looks around, then back at Siobhan.

 

Siobhan: I'll know tomorrow.

 

Brendan walks up close to Siobhan: Why didn't you say anything?

 

Siobhan: Because it's private. And because it's personal.

 

Brendan looks confused and concerned.

 

Siobhan: And...we're as odd as two left feet you and I.

 

Brendan whispers: Yeah...so?

 

Siobhan: So. I really haven't a clue how you feel about me.

 

Brendan, indignantly: What? You're important to me.

 

Siobhan echoes him: Important to you.

 

Brendan, emphatically: Yes.

 

Siobhan: Brendan, a well-pulled pint is important to you. Go home. Just go on.

She turns away and looks out the window again.

 

Brendan doesn't understand the world any more. He turns around very slowly and walks away.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's interior.

 

The Cattermoles are getting ready to leave.

 

Paul: So now. All good things, eh? Well, do you have a jacket, Mrs. Cattermole?

 

Aubretia: No, no, I came just as I am.

 

Paul reaches out his hand to her: Thank you for coming.

 

Aubretia shakes his hand, graciously: And you too--

She sees someone enter the bar and trails off.

 

CUT TO: Door.

 

Fr Vincent enters, looks around, closes the door.

 

CUT TO: Cattermoles.

 

Aubretia stretches out her hand, rushes toward the door: Father! Father!

 

CUT TO: Door.

 

Fr Vincent turns around to see who is calling him.

 

Aubretia: Father.

 

Fr Vincent: Mrs. Cattermole.

 

Aubretia: Erm, I I just thought you might like to try some.

She reaches into her bag and pulls out a jar and hands it to Fr Vincent.

 

CUT TO: Paul and Cattermole.

 

Cattermole, grimly: She really needs a win.

He walks toward his wife and the priest.

 

CUT TO: Door.

Fr Vincent stammers: Well that's um, that's that's incredibly--

 

Cattermole: Father.

 

Fr Vincent: Mr. Cattermole.

 

Cattermole takes Aubretia by the hand and leads her out of the pub. She flaps her mouth open and closed without a sound coming out. She is almost gone when she leans her head back and simpers: You'll make a lovely jam judge.

Then Cattermole pulls her the rest of the way out.

 

Fr Vincent looks at the jar.

 

SCENE: Daytime. Sunny. Edso's garage exterior.

 

Avril's big horse box pulls up at the pumps. Edso is napping in front of the garage. At the sound of the truck he lifts his head.

 

Avril looks down from the cab: Yeah, time for a someil. (??)

 

Edso smiles and gets up: Something tells me it's about to end.

 

Avril jumps down from the cab: Can you take her out? She's not starting well. I got a race in Dublin tomorrow. Can't afford for this to act up.

 

Edso: Like that, is it?

He climbs up into the cab.

 

Avril: Well. No.

 

Edso: Hey. You hear things, working here.

 

Avril raises one eyebrow at him: Oh yeah? Like what?

 

Edso shrugs, sympathetically: Bit of trouble up your way.

 

Avril looks away, sighs disgustedly: Nothing I can't handle.

 

Edso: Good. Really. Good.

 

Avril: Thanks.

 

Edso: Why don't you take the throne there I'm going to turn her over.

He reaches down to start the ignition. The truck engine starts to turn over, then suddenly dies, then roars to life again, then dies again.

 

Avril sits down on Edso's seat in front of the garage.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's kitchen interior.

 

Oonagh is sitting at the table, putting pretty little doilies on the tops of her jam jars. She looks up and smiles: There you are. Finished buttering up the bank manager, are you?

 

Paul leans back against the sink: Very funny. So how's it going?

 

Oonagh, pleased: Very well actually.

 

Paul: I was thinking--

 

Oonagh: Not again.

 

Paul: Maybe this jam making thing is not the best way to go about it, you know...community involvement and all that, heh heh.

 

Oonagh: You've changed your tune.

 

Paul scoffs, stands up, walks carefully toward Oonagh: Jam. It's a bit fusty. It's not exactly you, is it?

 

Oonagh looks up at Paul, stands, walks toward the counter: You wouldn't think so, would you.

She picks up a spoon, comes back to the table, excited: Here. Taste.

 

Paul: Yeah?

 

Oonagh picks up a spoonful of jam, puts it into Paul's mouth: It's delicious.

 

Paul chews around on the jam: Mm. It is.

 

Oonagh nods triumphantly: See Paul, I've been doing some thinking too. The best way to make my mark on the likes of Kathleen Hendley or Aubretia Cattermole, is to win.

 

Paul, skeptically: Really.

 

Oonagh reprimands him: Dep dep, now now what's our motto?

 

Paul, reluctantly: Dooleys always win.

 

Oonagh, pleased: Precisely.

 

Paul: Yeah.

 

Oonagh picks up another spoonful of jam and puts it into Paul's mouth.

 

Paul: Hm? Oh, ah.

He tastes how good it is: Yeah.

 

SCENE: BallyK church interior.

 

Fr Vincent is blowing out some candles. He looks over and sees Brendan sitting on one of the pews.

 

Fr Vincent: Peaceful this time of night.

 

Brendan looks up at Fr Vincent, dejectedly: Yeah. That's why I'm here.

 

Fr Vincent looks up at the candles that are still burning: I know.

He walks over and sits down in a pew behind Brendan: This fete tomorrow.

 

Brendan: Yeah. Well. Shouldn't worry about it too much.

 

Fr Vincent: No I guess not.

 

Brendan sighs: I love candles. Ever since I was a kid.

 

Fr Vincent: Symbolism.

 

Brendan, dryly: Pyromania.

 

Fr Vincent accepts this with a slight nod: Mm.

Brendan: The light at the end of every tunnel.

 

Fr Vincent: So they say.

Brendan: Siobhan's had a cancer scare.

 

Fr Vincent turns to look at Brendan.

 

Brendan: Gets the results tomorrow.

Fr Vincent: How's she doing?

Brendan sighs, shakes his head: I don't know. Just keep thinking of those tunnels. Absolutely no light. Suppose you need to lock up.

 

Fr Vincent: No mate. Plenty of time. Plenty of time.

They both sit and watch the candles.

 

SCENE: Horse box interior.

 

Camera inside a horse box. It is very dark. The gate swings down and we get a view of the yard. Avril is leading a horse toward the box. Paul's car drives up. Avril hands the horse off to a handler and walks around to the driver's side of the car.

 

CUT TO: Daytime. Sunny. Yard.

 

Paul gets out of the car, nods toward the horse: Who's that?

 

Avril: Celtic Flash. He's running in the one thirty.

 

Paul: Is he any use?

 

Avril, confidently: Could be Paul. Place a bet if I were you. Celtic Flash to win.

 

Paul: I've got a better bet.

 

Avril looks amused.

 

SCENE: Daytime. Sunny. Fairgrounds.

 

Overhead shot. There are tents and banners set up all over the field. Many people are working.

 

Fr Vincent, Fr Mac, and Frankie are walking through the grounds.

 

CUT TO: Fairgrounds, eye level.

 

Frankie: You haven't hired Dugan's field for parking? That's standard procedure Father.

 

Fr Vincent, uncomfortably yet charmingly: Yes, well, uh, I guess it slipped somebody's mind and they forgot to pass on that little gem of information to me.

 

Fr Mac, resignedly: Mea culpa.

 

Fr Vincent: I rest my case.

 

Frankie: You don't get it, do you Father. Thanks to you, that road out there is going to clog up for traffic. But don't let that worry you. I'll sort it.

 

Fr Vincent takes up her offer without a second thought: OK. Thanks.

 

Frankie didn't expect that, slightly annoyed: Right. Well excuse me. I've got work to do.

She leaves.

 

Fr Vincent looks around, pleased with the progress, then calls to Frankie: Hey Guard Sullivan.

 

Frankie stops, turns around: Yes, Father Sheahan.

 

Fr Vincent: Take it easy. Supposed to be fun.

 

Frankie, snippily: Where's that written? The book of Job?

She leaves again.

 

Fr Vincent chuckles, looks at Fr Mac, who is making a sour face. Fr Vincent's smile fades.

 

SCENE: Daytime. Sunny. Yard.

 

Avril and Paul are sitting on the water trough in the middle of the yard.

 

Avril: This is all very interesting Paul, but er, what makes you think I need an investor?

 

Paul: Oh come on Avril. I can read the signs I've been there.

 

Avril listens detachedly.

Paul: What you need now is a quick injection of capital, and I can supply it.

 

Avril: Well allowing that was true, and I'm not saying it is, what would you be wanting with a stake in the yard?

 

Paul shrugs: Buy Grainne a pony?

 

Avril: And you reckon you can put your money where your mouth is?

 

Paul: Absolutely. You see, Cattermole considers the pub to be a good investment. But I'm not wasting time investing money in Vincent Sheahan's property. I want a stake to call my own.

 

Avril: So you got it all worked out, eh?

 

Paul smiles: Well think about it Avril. And in your case beggars can't be choosers.

 

Avril: That would be overstating my position, Paul.

 

Paul: All right then. The devil you know.

 

Avril: That would be closer.

 

SCENE: Daytime. Sunny. Cow field.

 

Liam is going over the lines on the cow field with the field marker again. Louis is standing next to the cow, singing a song to her. Liam stops, looks at Louis and the cow.

 

Liam: You'd think she was Elle MacPherson.

 

Donal, up on a ladder: Hope he's not putting any ideas in her head.

 

Liam: Like what?

 

Donal: Like making a mess of the whole thing.

 

Liam: Nah.

 

Donal: I think we should see about getting precautions.

He descends the ladder.

 

Liam: Could be right.

He calls over to Louis: Here Louis!

 

Louis looks up.

 

Liam: Keep an eye on things will you?

 

Louis: Why sure.

 

Liam and Donal walk away. Louis continues to croon to the cow.

 

SCENE: Hendley's shop interior.

 

Liam and Donal are examining products. They sneak a glance at Kathleen, who is arranging her jam competition cups on their shelf.

 

Donal hisses to Liam: You ask her.

 

Liam: It was your idea.

 

They turn and walk toward Kathleen. Kathleen turns around and watches them approach.

 

When they reach the counter, Kathleen asks: What can I get you lads?

 

Liam nudges Donal. Donal is about to speak when Liam nudges him again.

 

Finally, Donal mumbles: Packet of mints.

 

Kathleen reaches over and picks up a roll of breath mints, holds it out toward Donal. Donal reaches into his pocket and takes out some change, hands it to Kathleen. She looks at the money, then asks: Will there be anything else?

 

Liam nudges Donal again. Donal asks with a smile: Are you going to win number ten this year, Kathleen?

 

Liam looks around impatiently.

 

Kathleen: I don't know.

She enters the purchase on the cash register: There's a lot of gooseberries.

 

Donal: But, you're the champ.

 

Kathleen: Well you'd think, wouldn't you?

 

Liam: Kathleen, would you have anything for...

He pauses, wipes his eye with one finger, looks down.

 

Kathleen, impatiently: Come on lads, I have to get back to the tent, to set up my jams.

 

Liam: Would you have...anything...for--

 

Donal blurts out: The truss. (??)

 

Liam: What he means is, we...have...a bit of an emergency.

 

Kathleen looks at the both of them, concerned, then turns around and picks up something from a low shelf behind her: This'll do the job. Who's it for?

 

Donal, quickly: Him.

 

Liam, not quickly enough: Him.

 

Kathleen hands them a box with several packets of a product called "STOPPIT".

 

Liam reads: Stops diarrhea, relieves cramps...wind...lovely.

He absentmindedly hands Kathleen a note, walks away with the whole box, continues to read: Loose bowel movements...

 

Donal takes the mints from Kathleen, reads the label intently, too. Kathleen watches them leave, dumbfounded.

 

SCENE: Daytime. Sunny. Fete.

 

In the background, several girls are doing Irish line dancing on a stage. Kathleen runs past, carrying a cardboard box. Over a loudspeaker, we can hear Brendan announcing something about a lost child being found. Kathleen rushes into a tent.

 

CUT TO: Tent interior.

 

Kathleen: Oh, sorry I'm late Hazel.

She puts the box down on a table in front of a woman.

 

Hazel smiles: That's all right.
She holds up a clipboard for Kathleen. Kathleen writes something on the clipboard, hands it back to Hazel. Hazel puts a name plate on top of Kathleen's box. Kathleen carries her box over to the table where Oonagh and Aubretia are already setting up.

 

CUT TO: Table.

 

Aubretia: I enter lots of competitions. Oh not just jams. Oh no. Mr. Cattermole likes his homemade breads and cakes and soups. My broccoli cream is quite famous. Oh, we're slaves to the men, aren't we, Miss Hendley.

 

Kathleen puts her box down next to Aubretia, looks at Aubretia archly.

 

Aubretia: Hottentot. You wouldn't know about the trials of marriage.

 

Oonagh suppresses a smile.

 

Aubretia: And how are you, Mrs. Dooley? Can't wait to get my hands on your pub.

 

Oonagh: What?

 

Aubretia: Your husband's hired me to redecorate. It could do with a makeover.

 

Kathleen suppresses a smile.

 

Aubretia: Well. That's me done. It's all down to Father Sheahan now.

She says dreamily: Father Sheahan.

She shivers with pleasure: Mmmm.

 

Oonagh and Kathleen look away, slightly disgusted.

 

SCENE: Daytime. Sunny. Cow field.

 

Liam holds out a wooden spoon with several white tablets on it in front of the cow's nose: Come on Bertha.

 

Over the loudspeaker, we can hear Brendan announcing something about a three-legged race.

 

Donal: It's no use. She's on to us.

 

Liam: Maybe if we scattered them around.

 

Fr Vincent (off-camera): What are you doing?

 

Liam and Donal look up, surprised. Fr Vincent is standing next to them, wearing a big red judge's badge. They stand up, stare at Fr Vincent.

 

Liam recovers first: Vitamins. Have we duffed (??) you Father?

 

Fr Vincent: Quite a bit, as it happens. You fellas never quite said how much you'd donate to the parish fund from this competition.

 

Donal turns and looks at Liam. Liam has an answer ready: Ah that's easy Father.

He walks past Donal to the blackboard they have set up with the grid from the field marked out on it: Now. See them three squares there Father.

He indicates the three squares in the lower left corner with his pinky finger. (There are a total of 168 squares in the grid.): They're designated for the parish.

 

Fr Vincent grins at them: That's very generous.

 

Liam and Donal nod proudly.

 

Fr Vincent: First of all, that's a parish field you're using. Second of all, the parish will be very happy to accept...these squares here.

He picks up a piece of chalk and marks out the twenty squares in the center of the grid, then tosses the chalk to Liam, who catches it.

 

SCENE: Beer tent.

 

Cattermole enters the beer tent. Paul and Dermot are serving beer.

 

Paul: Ah, Mr. Cattermole. You'll have a beer.

He holds out a full glass toward Cattermole.

 

Cattermole: No.

He removes his hat: How are things in the jam department?

 

Paul, uncomfortably: Well...

He glances over at Oonagh, who is approaching: I'm working on it.

 

Cattermole: Mrs. Cattermole's gooseberry jam is...how can I put it? Indescribable.

 

Paul listens attentively.

Cattermole: Some would say that for her to win would require divine intervention, but...I'd settle for a more mundane variety.

He leaves.

 

Paul understands.

 

Oonagh walks over to Paul, watches Cattermole leave suspiciously: What did he want?

 

Paul scoffs, reassures her: Ah, what we all want dear. To please our wives.

 

Oonagh smiles at him, sarcastically: Give them a makeover maybe?

 

Paul: Hm?

 

Oonagh looks in Cattermole's direction, then leaves.

 

SCENE: Daytime. Sunny. Cow field.

 

Liam and Donal are trying to drum up business.

 

Donal shouts: Place your bets here.

 

Liam shouts: One pound a square.

 

A man walks up, places his bet.

 

Donal: J.P.

He writes something on a slip of paper, hands it to the man.

 

Man, to Liam: E four.

He walks away.

 

Liam: E four.

He writes JP in square E4.

 

Edso approaches: So. How's the work.

 

Liam: Ah Edso. Well. Now. You see that field over there.

He points to the field.

 

Edso: Yeah.

 

Donal: See that cow there?

 

Edso: Yeah.

 

Liam: Well we put that cow in that field.

 

Edso: Then what?

 

Donal: Nothing. We hope. Ha ha.

 

Liam snickers: What he means is, whatever square the cow pat lands on, that's fifty pounds to the winner.

 

Edso: What if it falls between two squares?

 

Liam and Donal look at each other, turn to Edso, simultaneously: It won't.

 

Liam: Wanna bet on it?

 

Edso pulls out his wallet: K nine and ten.

 

Donal: K nine and ten.

 

Liam writes ED in squares K 9 and K 10.

 

SCENE: Jam competition tent interior.

 

Kathleen sneaks a taste of Aubretia's jam. She makes a sour face. She smiles angelically at a passerby. She steps over and sneaks a taste of Oonagh's jam. It tastes fantastic. She is about to take another taste when she hears Fr Mac's voice. He enters the tent, greets some extras. Kathleen quickly swallows the jam, moves back over to stand behind her own jam jars.

 

SCENE: Judge's table.

 

Brendan is standing at the microphone. He keeps looking around. Two little kids come up and stand in front of Brendan and wait expectantly. He doesn't see them. Fr Vincent, who is seated at the table next to him, hands him a piece of paper.

 

Brendan snaps out of it: Ah. Fiona and Corbin (??). Congratulations on the egg and sack--

He shakes his head, corrects himself: On the egg and spoon race.

 

Scattered applause. Fr Vincent hangs medals around the kids' necks.

 

Brendan, absentmindedly: Congratulations.

 

Fr Vincent: Well done.

 

Brendan: Yeah. Didn't they do well.

 

Fr Vincent looks up at Brendan, concerned. He places his hand on his arm. Brendan looks around.

 

SCENE: Daytime. Sunny. Bench.

 

Siobhan is sitting on a bench, looking disconsolate. She leans over and picks up a doll whose arm has broken off. She puts the arm back on the doll and brushes the doll off.

 

SCENE: Daytime. Sunny. Beer tent interior.

 

Oonagh and Paul are working in the beer tent. Brendan is making an announcement over the loudspeaker about the winner of the three-legged race. Oonagh looks over at the judge's table.

 

CUT TO: Judge's table.

 

Aubretia is standing next to Fr Vincent at the judge's table. She looks over at Oonagh.

 

CUT TO: Beer tent.

 

Oonagh narrows her eyes at Aubretia.

 

CUT TO: Judge's table.

 

Everybody is applauding. Brendan makes an announcement that the jam making competition is about to be judged.

 

CUT TO: Beer tent.

 

Oonagh: That's us. I've a good feeling about this.

 

Paul keeps his eye on Aubretia: Now love, don't go getting your hopes up, eh?

 

Oonagh, suspiciously: Why not, Paul?

 

Paul: You know. Competition. Everything up for grabs.

 

The Cattermoles walk quickly past. Cattermole nods and smiles knowingly at Paul.

 

Oonagh: Mm. Dermot'll be all right on his own for a few minutes.

She starts to walk out of the tent.

 

Paul walks behind Oonagh, puts his hand on her shoulder: Ah yeah listen relax. I've shown him the ropes.

They leave the tent.

 

Dermot and Grainne are standing next to each other, Dermot is chugging down a pint of beer.

 

SCENE: Daytime. Sunny. Cow field.

 

Liam and Donal are leading the cow onto the field.

 

Louis: Ah there she is. A magnificent specimen.

He tips his hat to her: A magnificent specimen.

He raises his glass to her.

 

Liam and Donal leave the cow in the middle of the field.

 

Liam: Ah, just leave her there Donal.

 

They leave the field. Brendan makes an announcement over the loudspeaker about the cow in the field competition. Everybody stands around watching the cow.

 

SCENE: Beer tent interior.

 

Dermot very carefully places a pint before a man.

 

Grainne: Daddy is so going to buy me a stable.

She takes the money from the customer.

 

Dermot pulls another beer: In your dreams. He's going to buy Fitzgerald's, and I take over in a few years when mom and dad are old.

Grainne: And what about me?

 

Dermot: Princesses will be barred.

 

SCENE: Jam competition tent interior.

 

Fr Sheahan enters the tent.

 

Brendan greets him: Father.

 

Aubretia, excitedly: There he is!

 

Fr Vincent: Hello ladies. Good luck.

He walks over to the jam table.

 

CUT TO: Jam table.

 

Aubretia walks behind Kathleen to stand at the far end of the table. Kathleen sidles over to Oonagh, whispers: Some people have no shame.

 

Oonagh, dryly: Bet she'd like to give him a makeover and all.

 

Kathleen looks at Oonagh questioningly.

 

Oonagh looks disgusted: Oh, believe me, Kathleen, you don't want to know.

 

CUT TO: Other jam table.

 

There are indeed other contestants! Fr Vincent is tasting some of their jams. Brendan is standing behind him with a clipboard.

 

CUT TO: First jam table.

 

Aubretia moons over Fr Vincent to Kathleen and Oonagh, who exchange a look that says, "That woman is scary."

 

CUT TO: Other jam table.

 

Fr Vincent whispers something to Brendan, who stands with pen poised above the clipboard.

 

CUT TO: First jam table.

 

Paul adjusts his tie, nods to Cattermole, who is standing next to him. Cattermole nods back. Paul reaches down and exchanges the name plates of Oonagh and Aubretia. Oonagh and Kathleen notice nothing, as they are both directing their attention to Fr Vincent at the other table.

 

SCENE: Beer tent interior.

 

Mrs. Forbes approaches the bar and knocks firmly on it. Dermot rises from where he was crouching behind the bar with a half-empty glass in his hand. He burps loudly.

Grainne reprimands him: Dermot!

 

Dermot swings his attention around from Grainne to Mrs. Forbes: What can I get you Miss?

 

Mrs. Forbes: It's Mrs., young man, and I'll have a lager if you please.

 

Dermot looks at his glass, raises it to her in salute: Don't mind if I do.

He drinks deeply.

 

Mrs. Forbes looks shocked. Grainne rolls her eyes.

 

SCENE: Jam tent interior.

 

Fr Vincent is at the first jam table. Aubretia hurries to take her place between Kathleen and Oonagh. Fr Vincent reaches down and takes a spoonful of Kathleen's jam. Kathleen smiles demurely at him. Fr Vincent tastes the jam and seems pleased. He turns around, puts his hand on Brendan's shoulder, and whispers something to him. He steps over to Aubretia's jam and takes a spoonful. Note however that it is labeled "OONAGH DOOLEY". He tastes the jam. Aubretia looks on hopefully. Paul looks around to see if anyone noticed that he changed signs. Cattermole noticed and looks pleased at Paul's sneakiness. Fr Vincent turns to Brendan, puts his hand on his shoulder, and whispers something. He does not look impressed with that jam. He steps over to the last jam, in front of Oonagh, which is of course labeled "AUBRETIA CATTERMOLE". He takes a spoonful, tastes it, and looks very impressed. Cattermole looks pleased. Paul looks nervous. Oonagh looks pleased, too, since she thinks the jam is labeled with her name. Fr Vincent and Brendan move to the center of the tent.

 

Brendan: All right, can I have your attention please. The winner...for best jam at this year's fete...is...

Fr Vincent whispers something more to Brendan.

 

Brendan: OK, can we have a little hush. Erm...this is one for the books. Now seemingly there's no erm...outright winner, it's a tie.

 

Everyone oohs and aws. Our three contestants look disappointed.

 

Brendan: OK can I have a little hush. And the winners...

He walks over to the jam table: Kathleen Hendley.

 

Kathleen throws up her hands in joy. Scattered applause.

 

Brendan:...and Aubretia Cattermole, please step forward.

 

Aubretia gasps in surprise, walks behind Oonagh to get around to the front of the table. Paul rushes over and hands Brendan a jar of Oonagh's jam (which everyone thinks is Aubretia's). Kathleen hurries around to the front of the table, too. Oonagh looks like she can't believe it. Paul claps politely. Oonagh suddenly recognizes the jam jar that is supposedly Aubretia's.

 

Oonagh exclaims to Paul: But...that's my jam!

 

Paul looks uncomfortable.

 

CUT TO: Middle of tent.

 

Aubretia is simpering over Fr Vincent and shaking his hand.

 

CUT TO: Jam table.

 

Oonagh: Paul, what's going on?

 

Paul: Oonagh please. It's all for the good of the Dooley empire.

 

Oonagh opens her mouth but no sound comes out.

 

CUT TO: Middle of tent.

 

Aubretia is still shaking Fr Vincent's hand. He tries to pull his hand away all the while smiling politely.

 

Fr Mac: Congratulations Kathleen.

 

Kathleen beams: Thank you Father.

 

Fr Mac: And you, Mrs. Cattermole.

 

Fr Vincent is still having no luck getting his hand away from Aubretia.

 

CUT TO: Jam table.

 

Oonagh, threateningly: Paul...

 

Paul: Oonagh please, don't be such a sore loser.

 

Oonagh, incensed: Loser!? That's my jam up there!

 

CUT TO: Middle of tent.

 

Fr Vincent is shaking hands with Kathleen. They manage to keep it short.

 

Brendan is in the middle of saying: ...presentation of the trophy to er...Father Sheahan.

He steps aside.

 

Applause. An extra hands a little silver trophy to Fr Vincent.

 

Fr Vincent looks around for Brendan, who has conveniently disappeared: Ah. Well ah...we seem to ah...have a bit of a problem.

He hefts the little trophy in both hands, smiles nervously.

 

SCENE: Dr. Ryan's office interior.

 

Dr. Ryan is sitting behind his desk, speaking into the phone: That's right, Siobhan Mehigan...Yes...I see...Fine...Thanks for your help.

His face does not give away what the news is. He hangs up the phone. He picks up the phone again, hesitates, puts the top of the receiver against his mouth, then hangs it up again. He stands up, picks up his jacket from the back of his chair, and walks around the desk.

 

SCENE: Daytime. Sunny. Cow field.

 

It is getting late in the afternoon, judging by the long shadows. There is quite a crowd around the cow field. The cow is standing there.

 

CUT TO: Side of the field.

 

Liam and Donal are standing by the black board at the edge of the field, counting their money.

 

Liam: Seventy, eighty, ninety, whoo-hoo, we won!

 

Donal: We won!

 

Avril approaches.

 

Donal: Avril.

 

Liam: Avril.

 

Donal: You here to buy a square?

 

Avril smiles at the two of them, folds her arms: Donal, I can buy the whole field.

 

Liam, excited: What did Celtic Flash win?

 

Avril: Did he wash? So, I'll be hiring again, if you're interested.

 

Liam and Donal look joyfully at each other.

Avril: Just uh...don't bring your girlfriend.

She leaves.

 

Liam and Donal's smiles fade, they look at each other confused. Then Liam points at the cow.

 

Understanding dawns on Donal, too: Ah.

 

CUT TO: Cow.

 

The cow is still standing there.

 

CUT TO: Liam and Donal.

Liam: Now where were we?

 

Donal points at the money. Liam starts counting it again. They both look very happy.

 

SCENE: Beer tent interior.

 

Grainne: And what can I get you?

 

Man: Bottle of stout please.

 

Grainne steps over something behind the bar to get to the bottles.

 

Brendan announces something about a tombola.

 

Frankie approaches the bar: What's going on?

 

Grainne looks guilty, but puts on a brave front: Nothing.

 

Frankie: Are you here all by yourself?

 

Grainne looks down, then back at Frankie, unconvincingly: Yeah...

 

Frankie leans over the bar to look at the ground. Dermot is lying on his back, with an empty glass in his hand.

 

Dermot grins: How are you guard?

He giggles.

 

Frankie, dryly: Charming.

 

Dermot burbles: How are you princess?

 

Frankie gives Grainne a dark look.

 

SCENE: Jam tent exterior.

 

Paul exits the tent, followed by a storming Oonagh.

 

Oonagh: I'm getting to the bottom of this.

 

Paul: Oonagh, please.

 

The Cattermoles exit the tent.

 

Aubretia whines: Why can't I have that trophy?

 

Cattermole promises her: I'll get you another one.

 

Oonagh: Mr. Cattermole. What's going on?

 

Aubretia sees something and dashes off.

 

Oonagh: With the pub.

 

Cattermole: You mean you don't know?

He turns to Paul: Paul's looking to expand.

 

Paul looks like he'd like to deny that.

 

Oonagh protests: But I'm the licensed tenant.

 

Cattermole: Well this is most...irregular Paul. Perhaps the two of you could see me in my office.

 

Oonagh: That won't be necessary.

She looks at Paul: We don't intend expanding. Not until after we own Fitzgerald's anyway.

She looks at Cattermole, politely: But it is good to know the offer is there.

She looks at Paul, meaningfully: Should I ever need it.

 

Cattermole, grimly: I suppose that means the wife won't be doing any decorating.

He walks away in the direction that Aubretia took off in earlier.

 

Paul tries to reconcile him: Well--

 

Avril approaches: Paul! Well, you were right, it certainly is the devil you know, and mine won by a length! So the deal is off.

She leaves.

 

Oonagh, angrily: What deal?

 

Paul opens his mouth to try to explain, but Frankie approaches.

 

Frankie: Paul, Oonagh, are you aware there is an underaged girl serving in your beer tent, and a young man very under the weather.

 

Paul and Oonagh look incredibly embarrassed.

 

Paul: Dermot!

 

They all three rush toward the beer tent.

 

SCENE: Daytime. Overcast. Siobhan's house exterior.

 

Dr. Ryan walks up the path to Siobhan's house and knocks on the door. He looks around.

 

CUT TO: Outbuilding exterior.

 

Siobhan is standing outside the little outbuilding: Michael?

 

CUT TO: House exterior.

 

Dr. Ryan walks over to Siobhan.

 

CUT TO: Outbuilding exterior.

 

Siobhan looks worried.

 

SCENE: Daytime. Sunny. Cow field.

 

The cow is still standing in the field.

 

Brendan (over loudspeaker): The cow in the field has now ended.

 

CUT TO: Judge's table.

 

Brendan: And the winner is...

He unfolds a slip of paper, looks around, then announces: There is no winner.

 

Fr Mac, to nobody in particular: No winner?

He looks at Fr Vincent, who is standing next to him, starts off toward the cow field, determinedly: We'll soon see about that.

 

Fr Vincent follows him.

 

CUT TO: Next to cow field.

 

Liam and Donal are standing there with their money.

 

Fr Mac approaches them: Well I'm sure you're waiting to make your contribution to the parish fund.

He reaches over and takes some of the money out of Liam's hands: Roughly fifty percent should cover use of the parish field.

He looks pleased.

 

We hear Louis shouting something. Everyone looks over at him.

CUT TO: Jam tent exterior.

 

The cow walks into the jam tent with Louis running after her, calling her back. The tent collapses.

 

Fr Mac (off-camera): Good heavens!

 

CUT TO: Next to cow field.

 

Fr Mac reaches over and grabs the rest of the money out of Liam's hands: And that should cover damage to parish property!

He turns and walks away: You see Father Sheahan, that is how you make the most of the cow in the field competition.

Fr Vincent accompanies him: Bit tough on the lads though.

 

Fr Mac, businesslike: Sentimentality has no place in parish finances.

 

Fr Vincent: I see.

 

Fr Mac stops, amused: I'm not sure that you do, Vincent, but you will, you will.

He smiles and walks away.

 

Fr Vincent frowns and looks over at the collapsed tent.

 

CUT TO: Jam tent exterior.

 

The tent is collapsed. We hear the cow moo.

 

SCENE: Fitzgerald's kitchen interior.

 

Paul walks in carrying a crate of empty bottles. He sets it down on the table. Oonagh walks in, carrying a metal box, which she puts down on the table.. Grainne follows them. Dermot is passed out on the kitchen table.

 

Oonagh, sarcastically: Well. Here we all are Paul.

 

Dermot raises his head slightly off the table.

Oonagh: The Dooley empire.

 

Dermot exclaims something unintelligible, then puts his face down on the table again. Paul walks over to Dermot.

 

Oonagh, worried: Are you sure he'll be OK?

 

Paul: Nothing a good sleep won't sort out. Dermot come on. Come on.

He lifts him up from the table under his arms.

 

Dermot protests: I'm fine.

 

Paul, shortly: You're not fine. Get up. Get out of here.

 

Dermot shrugs Paul's hands off.

 

Paul: All right. Easy. Now a step.

They leave.

 

Oonagh watches them, disgusted. She reaches over and picks up one of her jam jars from the table, then puts it back down, disgusted. She walks out of the kitchen. Grainne stands there alone, holding a bag full of plastic cups.

 

SCENE: Sunset. Fairgrounds.

 

The fete is over. Everyone is leaving the grounds. Siobhan enters the grounds. She stops when she sees Brendan. He is taking apart a microphone stand. Siobhan walks up to him.

 

Siobhan: Brendan...

 

Brendan looks around.

 

Siobhan: The tests...were negative.

 

Brendan smiles, gives Siobhan a big, heartfelt hug.

 

Siobhan: Brendan.

 

Brendan: What?

 

Siobhan: I can't breathe.

 

Brendan: Oh sorry.

He lets her go: Sorry.

He continues to give her a big smile.

 

They look into each other's eyes. Brendan's smile slowly fades, then he asks: Would you fancy a well-pulled pint?

 

Siobhan smiles and nods at him. They walk away with their arms around each other.

 

ROLL CREDITS