BALLYKISSANGEL

Episode 3.2

"When A Child Is Born"

Written by Barry Devlin

Directed by Paul Harrison

Produced by Chris Griffin

Transcribed by Margaret Pattison

 

SCENE

Daytime. Countryside. Sunny. A white bus is driving on a country road. A dark blue gardai car is driving on a country road.

 

CUT TO

Gardai car interior. Ambrose is driving. Niamh is sitting next to him.

 

AMBROSE

(anxiously) Right, one last check. Nightie?

 

NIAMH

(bored) Got my nightie.

 

AMBROSE

Toothbrush, slippers, soap?

 

CUT TO

Road. The white bus is coming toward the gardai car.

 

NIAMH

They give you soap in the hospital. (adjusts herself in the seat, trying to get comfortable, looks out the front window, gets look of horror on her face) Mind, Ambrose!

 

Ambrose turns his attention from Niamh to the road, sees the bus.

 

CUT TO

Road. The bus is coming closer. There is obviously not going to be room for both vehicles to pass on the road. The gardai car veers off the road and comes to a stop.

 

CUT TO

Car interior. Ambrose and Niamh are breathing heavily.

 

AMBROSE

Remember what the nurse said. Keep up the breathing rhythm. Rise to the contractions.

 

Niamh rolls her eyes.

 

CUT TO

Road. The gardai car pulls back on to the road.

 

AMBROSE

God! You've forgotten your coat.

 

NIAMH

(slightly annoyed) It's in the boot, I haven't forgotten anything, Ambrose.

 

The car sputters and jerks to a stop.

 

CUT TO

Car interior. Ambrose peers at the dashboard.

 

NIAMH

(snippily) What's happening?

 

AMBROSE

(hits the steering wheel with his hand, with self-reproach) I must have forgotten to fill her up.

 

Niamh gives him a sidelong look.

 

ROLL TITLES

 

SCENE

Prenatal class. About a dozen couples are sitting on the floor. The women are leaning back against the men. A female instructor is pacing the floor in front of them, holding a doll wrapped up in a red knit hat.

 

INSTRUCTOR

Now when the baby is presented with its bottom towards the cervix, that is called a... Ambrose.

 

AMBROSE

(was daydreaming, snaps to attention) Erm, er, a-- a breach baby, Mrs Miller.

 

MRS MILLER

(nods, pleased) A breach baby, correct. Not that that need concern you, Ambrose. (leans over to kneel in front of Niamh, smiles at her) Niamh's baby's facing the right way around, clever thing. Remind me dear, how close are you?

 

NIAMH

About a week, Mrs Miller.

 

MRS MILLER

(stands, addresses the rest of the class) So. Niamh's baby is facing the right way around. (she pushes the doll's head into the opening of the red hat) And that's called...?

 

Ambrose faints. The class laughs.

 

MRS MILLER

He's done it again!

 

SCENE

Fitzgerald's interior. Peter enters through the hotel entrance. He is wearing jeans, a black T-shirt, and his big grey sweater draped over his shoulders. He looks around. The place seems deserted. He turns to leave.

 

ASSUMPTA:

Hi? (she peeks out from the kitchen) What can I get you? (she points at him with the knife she has in her hand)

 

PETER

Uh no, I'm fine, thanks. I'm varnishing the church door and I came to see if I could pick up a few volunteers.

 

Assumpta looks apologetically around at the empty room, wipes her knife on the tea towel she is holding.

 

PETER

I'll come back later, if that's OK.

 

ASSUMPTA

Oh you could try the church. Apparently it still does a bit of passing trade.

 

PETER

(not sure how to take that) OK. (turns to leave)

 

NIAMH

Hi. (enters through the pub door, sees Peter) Father.

 

PETER

Niamh. Everything well?

 

NIAMH

Great. If you don't count running out of petrol on the dummy run.

 

PETER

Ah. Yeah, I heard about that. Well, hopefully that means that all the problems are ironed out and you'll sail through the... (flails about with his hands, miming a baby exiting a stomach) event.

 

Niamh smiles at Peter's discomfiture, gives Assumpta a knowing look.

 

PETER

See ya. (exits quickly)

 

ASSUMPTA

Well?

 

NIAMH

(lowers herself onto a bar stool) Well so far so good. My blood pressure's still on the high side. A teeny weeny bit.

 

ASSUMPTA

(walks into the kitchen) Well we'll need to keep that down then.

 

NIAMH

That's gonna be hard. Ambrose's mother's just announced she's coming to look after me.

 

Assumpta comes back, a look of stunned surprise on her face.

 

NIAMH

Tomorrow.

 

ASSUMPTA

Oh.

 

NIAMH

(sighs) I've discovered what pregnancy is. It's a woman completely surrounded by bits of advice. There's my dad, and his doctor, and Ambrose, and now Ambrose's mother.

 

ASSUMPTA

Oh well, you're going to have to stop her then.

 

NIAMH

I can't.

 

ASSUMPTA

Well can't Ambrose?

 

NIAMH

Ambrose is a bit of a flitter at the moment. He keeps fainting at the antenatal classes. (smiles with glee, then giggles)

 

Assumpta giggles, too.

 

SCENE

Cilldargan street. A man gets out of a red sportscar. He is wearing a three-piece suit.

 

MAN

There y'are.

 

Brian is loading a cardboard box into the back of his car. He looks around at the man.

 

BRIAN

Good God! Con Casey.

 

CON

(walks over to Brian) Brian Quigley. The Rupert Murdoch of Cilldargan. (he shakes hands with Brian)

 

Brian laughs.

 

CON

Slipping out of the media empire, hm? ?? you'd be at the presses far into the night.

 

BRIAN

(closes the back of his car) I don't run it Con, I own it. Among other things. Connor Casey. Hah! (he chortles, walks out toward the street) I heard you went East.

 

CON

(follows Brian) I did. South Korea. I'm only back in Dublin six months. I run a consultancy.

 

BRIAN

(inspects Con's car) Consultancy. The refuge of the rascal, Con.

 

CON

(laughs goodnaturedly) You haven't changed Brian.

 

BRIAN

So what brings you to these parts?

 

CON

Well you do actually.

 

BRIAN

Really? (walks toward the basement storefront behind him. It says "Cilldargan Democrat")

 

CON

Bout two months ago I heard about this serious business opportunity.

 

Brian stops.

 

CON

From a contact in South Korea.

 

Brian nods.

 

CON

You know they're one of the tiger economies.

 

BRIAN

Yes, I read Newsweek.

 

CON

Well this is major stuff. And I'm in on the ground floor, thanks to this contact of mine. So?

 

BRIAN

So?

 

CON

Are you interested in doing business again with an old partner?

 

BRIAN

Con, where in dances in the take (??) twenty years ago--

 

CON

Would you believe thirty?

 

BRIAN

(acknowledges the correction) Thirty years ago doesn't exactly make us partners, by the way you still owe me forty quid, from that last dance, before you emigrated unexpectedly.

 

CON

This is a once in a lifetime shot, Brian.

 

BRIAN

Con, I'm happy here. I have a good life. I need an assistant editor, but that's about all.

 

CON

How does five million quid sound, Brian?

 

Brian stares at him blankly.

 

SCENE

Parking area in front of Padraig's garage. A drop cloth is covering a very large item. Padraig, Liam, and Donal are under the drop cloth.

 

PADRAIG

Lovely, isn't she.

 

LIAM

Yeah, gorgeous.

 

PADRAIG

Got her on hard exchange. Let's get this off and have a look at her under the light.

 

The drop cloth moves. As it falls away, it reveals a mobile restaurant trailer.

 

PADRAIG

Upp. Me belle beauty.

 

The trailer is somewhat run down, but still intact. It says "FISH & CHIPS HAMBURGERS MINERALS" on the side.

 

PADRAIG

There she is. The future on the forward chassis. (rubs his hands and walks over to the trailer door) Bit of bleach, drop of hydraulic fluid, and Bob's your uncle. (unlocks and opens the door)

 

LIAM

So what's all this new business stuff, Padraig? ?? must be a better power play (??) (climbs up into the trailer)

 

Donal follows Liam.

 

PADRAIG

(chuckles) I have seen the light.

 

LIAM

What?

 

PADRAIG

(pulls a booklet out of his pocket. Its title is "The Way of the Phoenix") Look.

 

LIAM

(leans out of the trailer, takes the book from Padraig) The way of the phoenix. Reinvent yourself for the millenium.

 

CUT TO

Trailer interior. Donal is looking around skeptically.

 

LIAM

Jaysus! (laughs)

 

CUT TO

Outside. Liam has gone back inside the trailer.

 

PADRAIG

It's brilliant, and it works. From now on you're going to see a whole new Padraig O'Kelley in every sphere of life. Commercial, social, marketing--

 

LIAM

(leans out of the trailer window) What, is there triplets of you? (chuckles) I don't want to get in Padraig. (goes back inside the trailer)

 

DONAL

(pulls a handle off something inside the trailer) So what's the deal again?

 

PADRAIG

Six hundred quid and she's yours.

 

DONAL

That's an awful lot of money, Padraig.

 

PADRAIG

You'll make it back in a week. This thing is a mobile gold mine.

 

LIAM

What about Quigley?

 

PADRAIG

It's only part time.

 

DONAL

(shakes his head) Nah.

 

LIAM

Yeah well I'm all for it.

 

Donal looks at Liam in surprise.

 

LIAM

Ah the worst we can do is take the plunge. Five hundred quid and you have a deal Padraig.

 

PADRAIG

(nods) OK.

 

Donal looks to the heavens for aid.

 

SCENE

Fitzgerald's interior. Brendan, Siobhan, and Eamonn are sitting at the bar, having lunch. Assumpta tries to take Eamonn's soup bowl away just as he is taking a spoonful. He grabs at it. She lets go.

 

BRENDAN

Where is Padraig?

 

ASSUMPTA

Haven't seen Padraig all morning. (she clears away Siobhan's soup bowl)

 

Peter enters through the hotel door.

 

BRENDAN

(stands) Would you like a drink, Father?

 

PETER

(holds up his hands) No thanks. (takes on a supplicating posture) Actually--

 

ASSUMPTA

(walks around to the outside of the bar, carrying her clearing tray) He's varnishing the doors of the church, actually.

 

Brendan, Siobhan, and Eamonn freeze.

 

PETER

(gives Assumpta a look that says thank you very much...not!) And I was wondering...

 

EAMONN

Love to Father, but I have a sick sheep.

 

SIOBHAN

Sorry Father, I'd love to help, but I have to look at Eamonn's sheep.

 

Peter nods with regret, looks hopefully at Brendan.

 

BRENDAN

Ah bad back Father. Can't bend. Now Liam and Donal are very handy. They might help.

 

PETER

I want them varnished, Brendan, not vanished.

 

Brendan, Siobhan, and Eamonn look at Peter sympathetically.

 

PETER

Ah well. Looks like it's DIY time for the curate. (opens the pub door, turns around to nod goodbye to Assumpta)

 

Assumpta, leaning in the doorway to the kitchen, winks at Peter.

 

SCENE

Church exterior. Peter is varnishing the doors. He hears a vehicle engine approaching. He turns around and looks out at the street.

 

PETER

What in God's name...?

 

Liam and Donal's trailer pulls up outside the church fence. Peter walks over to the fence, an incredulous look on his face. Liam and Donal jump down out of the truck cab, open the trailer door, and Donal climbs inside.

 

PETER

Erm...do you mind if I ask what's going on?

 

LIAM

Ah. Ah we're just setting her up here, Father.

 

Donal slides open the service window.

 

PETER

Well I hate to crush the spirit of free enterprise, but have you asked anyone if this is OK?

 

Liam and Donal look at each other.

 

LIAM

Like who?

 

PETER

(shouts) Like me! This car park is church property.

 

DONAL

Father, is it OK if we set up here?

 

LIAM

Prime site, Father. And it'd administer to the temporal needs of the parishioners. Now I've often come out of confession with my heart heaving and I've thought to meself, God, I'd murder a burger this very second.

 

PETER

Well that's very philanthropic of you Liam. But I'm gonna have to say no.

 

LIAM

(leans forward, murmurs to Donal inside the trailer) Donal...Donal.

 

Donal leans forward out the window.

 

LIAM

Three way-split.

 

DONAL

(whispers) Aye.

 

LIAM

We'll cut you in on the profit, Father.

 

DONAL

Tis a gold mine, Father.

 

PETER

Sorry.

 

Liam and Donal look stumped.

 

PETER

Well, I'll tell you what. Why don't you take it just beyond that telegraph pole and then you're out of my jurisdiction. Oh and lads. Try to be inconspicuous.

 

DONAL

Thanks Father.

 

SCENE

Glass-and-steel commercial building. Brian is coming up the stairs, adjusting his tie.

 

CUT TO

Office interior. Con Casey is standing in an executive bathroom, straightening out a towel.

 

CON

So Brian. Does Ware Dung (??) mean anything to you?

 

BRIAN

Software.

 

CON

Correct. (he tosses the towel aside, comes out of the bathroom) Ware Dung wants to set up in Ireland. That much is for certain. What's not decided yet is where they're going to locate. (picks up a glass from the desk, stands in front of Brian, who is also holding a glass) And that's where my Korean contact comes in. If there's a site that's fully up to spec your side of Dublin, then the company will come here. And that means--

 

BRIAN

How many acres?

 

CON

Oh about...eight in the initial phase. And after expansion, then you're talking sixteen.

 

BRIAN

Expansion, I love that word. (takes a sip from his glass)

 

CON

Set it up as an industrial development site, where we can bring in other firms. And you're talking twenty acres. And a fortune for the developers. (raises his glass to Brian, takes a sip)

 

BRIAN

Where's the catch.

 

CON

Oh there's no catch. (walks away, puts his drink down on the desk) There's a facilitation fee.

 

BRIAN

A bung con. Thought there might be. How much.

 

CON

Twenty K. (picks up his jacket from the back of the chair) Oh not for me mind. For the contact. Ten now. Ten when the deal is signed. (puts on his jacket)

 

BRIAN

(gazes out the window) Well I don't have twenty acres. I'll have to buy. (sighs, walks away from window, takes another sip of whiskey) And then there's access roads, services, so on, so on.

 

CON

Sure, sure.

 

BRIAN

Good, well. (puts glass down on the desk) Let me think about it, and I'll get back to you.

 

CON

Well how about some dinner tonight? (comes around to the front of the desk)

 

BRIAN

Not tonight thank you. Busy busy busy.

 

CON

(walks Brian to the door) OK Brian. Well I'll be...hearing from yourself. (closes the door after Brian) Yes!

 

CUT TO

Glass-and-steel staircase. Brian is descending.

 

BRIAN

Yes!

 

SCENE

Church exterior. Liam and Donal's trailer is parked across the street from the church. The street is deserted. Liam leans out the service window of the trailer and looks up and down the empty street. He sighs in disappointment and retreats back into the trailer. Donal is there, too. They are both wearing white jackets, white shirts, and red string ties.

 

LIAM

Going to have to do something.

 

DONAL

Ah it'll get better.

 

LIAM

Sure needs it. So far today we've sold one bag of chips. To Eamonn Byrne. For his dog.

 

SCENE

Garda station exterior. Niamh is standing outside the station. Ambrose pulls up in the gardai car. Someone is on the passenger seat next to him. Niamh smiles, not entirely convincingly. Ambrose gets out of the car and walks around to the passenger side. A woman gets out of the car. She hands Ambrose a straw bag and walks around the back of the car to Niamh.

 

WOMAN

Look at you! You poor thing! You're as big as a house!

 

Ambrose is fiddling around at the boot of the car.

 

NIAMH

Mrs Egan--

 

MRS EGAN (She is named Imelda Egan in the credits, but her first name is never mentioned in the episode)

(fretfully) And your blood pressure. Oh! (she pulls Niamh to her and kisses her cheek)

 

NIAMH

It's fine.

 

MRS EGAN

It's not fine. But with the help of God, and some proper food, we'll soon fix that.

 

Ambrose has retrieved what he needed to from the boot and comes over to join the women.

 

AMBROSE

Mammy...

 

Mrs Egan pats Ambrose on the shoulder. He goes into the house.

 

MRS EGAN

(to Niamh, confidentially) We need to talk. (she goes into the house)

 

Niamh stands outside, rolls her eyes, and sighs.

 

SCENE

Brian's house interior. Brian unrolls a map or blueprint on his dining table, then takes a seat. The doorbell rings. Brian looks at his watch. The doorbell rings again. Brian stands up and takes his jacket from the back of the chair. The doorbell rings a third time, then a fourth.

 

CUT TO

Door. Brian opens the door with an expectant look on his face. He soon looks disappointed.

 

BRIAN

Padraig, what can I do for you.

 

PADRAIG

(wearing a jacket and tie, looks nervous, clears his throat) Can we erm... (he nods toward the inside of the house)

 

BRIAN

Well I've got somebody coming in five min-- (he looks at his watch) Erm...OK, come on in. (he walks into the house)

 

Padraig follows him, closing the door behind him.

 

CUT TO

Dining room. Brian walks briskly into the room, followed by Padraig.

 

PADRAIG

It's about the job that was advertised in the Democrat.

 

BRIAN

Messenger boy. You're far too old for that Padraig. (sits down at the table)

 

PADRAIG

Oh no, the other one, assistant editor.

 

BRIAN

Oh I filled that post. Gave it to the editor. Gave him the messenger job as well the lazy sod. Had you someone in mind for it?

 

PADRAIG

(squares his shoulders) Me, actually.

 

BRIAN

(incredulously) You? Sure you never worked on a paper before. (stands up and walks away, holding a red folder)

 

PADRAIG

(hastening after him) No, but but I am a good writer and I do have views on the world.

 

BRIAN

(continuing to walk away) Yeah well that wouldn't be needed in the Democrat. Our foreign section covers Cork and Limerick. (drops the folder on the desk and turns to Padraig, thoughtfully) We could do with a Townlands correspondent though. (picks up a grey folder)

 

PADRAIG

(frowns) Townlands correspondent?

 

BRIAN

Don't knock it. Some of the finest journalists cut their teeth in the Townlands. Who knows what great things will bear.

 

PADRAIG

(face lights up) Chapter two, from Little Acorns.

 

BRIAN

(frowns) What?

 

PADRAIG

(shakes his head) Nothing.

 

BRIAN

Tell Clem Curly I hired you. (walks away again) Starting today. I'll pay you by the column inch. Give me colour! Scandal! Spice it up. (stops at the dining table and drops the grey folder onto it)

 

PADRAIG

Scandal?

 

BRIAN

And Padraig. I try to avoid seeing my business affairs featured in my own paper. Know what I mean?

 

Padraig nods. Brian winks.

 

SCENE

Fitzgerald's interior. Liam and Donal are sitting at a table with beers. Assumpta brings them each a plate with a sandwich and puts them down on the table.

 

ASSUMPTA

Did you bring your own chips? (walks away)

 

Padraig enters. Brendan, Siobhan, and Eamonn are sitting at the bar.

 

BRENDAN

Good day the rose.

 

ASSUMPTA

Drink, Padraig?

 

PADRAIG

Er, no thanks, not when I'm working.

 

SIOBHAN

You're working? Are you all right?

 

PADRAIG

Hey, lighten up. (pulls out a pad of paper from his pocket) I am a journalist.

 

ASSUMPTA

(incredulously) A what?

 

PADRAIG

Townlands correspondent and I am looking for stories. (pulls out a pen)

 

BRENDAN

Eh wait just a minute. Townland correspondent...with who?

 

PADRAIG

(mumbles, abashedly) Er the um Cilldargan Democrat.

 

BRENDAN

Quigley's rag? The one that called me a geriatric--

 

PADRAIG

--pedagogue, yeah.

 

ASSUMPTA

Are you working for Quigley?

 

SIOBHAN

(indignantly) I don't believe it, I thought you were one of us!

 

PADRAIG

(defensively) I am one of you, I just happen to be a journalist.

 

BRENDAN

Sleeping with the enemy.

 

PADRAIG

And I need you to tell me something interesting that happened during the week.

 

EAMONN

One of my ewes fell on the road. (turns away, thinks for a moment, turns back to Padraig) But she survived.

 

PADRAIG

(considers) Yeah well, it's it's it's a start, yeah. (makes some notes) Ballykay female in near death experience.

 

Assumpta can only shake her head.

 

PADRAIG

Siobhan?

 

Siobhan gives him a cold look.

 

PADRAIG

Brendan?

 

Brendan gives him a stony stare.

 

PADRAIG

Oh. I'm being frozen out.

 

ASSUMPTA

You're getting nothing from us. Turncoat.

 

PADRAIG

Well this-- This is censorship.

 

BRENDAN

This is self-defense.

 

Siobhan nods in agreement.

 

ASSUMPTA

Our lips are sealed.

 

PADRAIG

Oh. Right. (closes his notepad) If that's going to be the attitude. (puts the notebook back into his pocket) I'll just have to go and make me own news. (leaves)

 

Liam and Donal are disinterestedly chewing their sandwiches.

 

SCENE

Quigley Developments PLC exterior. Brian is walking away from the building, a roll of paper in his hand. His car is parked just outside. He looks down the road and sees Con Casey driving up in his red sports car.

 

CON

Where are we going?

 

BRIAN

Solicitor's. (walks around to the passenger's side)

 

CON

Good man.

 

BRIAN

Give me a lift.

 

Con opens the door and Brian gets in. They drive off.

 

SCENE

Solicitor's office. Brian, Con, and the solicitor are leaning over a table, on which is spread a map.

 

SOLICITOR

I'll deal with the purchase of that tract here. (points at the map with his pen) The solicitors in charge are Crayton's in Cilldargan. This here of course is your existing ten acres. (indicates another section on the map)

 

CON

And this here right in the middle? (points at the map, looks up at the solicitor)

 

BRIAN

That's an out farm.

 

SOLICITOR

(consults a paper) Belonging to a Mr Eamonn Byrne.

 

BRIAN

I'll deal with Eamonn direct on this, OK?

 

SOLICITOR

Is that wise, Brian? Because of the access roads, Byrne's land is the key to the whole scheme.

 

BRIAN

That is the scrubbiest two little acres in God's earth. Worth about tuppence ha'penny. (puts his hands in his pockets and starts pacing) Now if solicitors start rolling up, making formal offers, he'll smell a rat and jack the price up. So not a word about this. Till all the land is in place.

 

SCENE

St. Joseph's interior. Kathleen is walking down the center aisle. Another woman is cleaning the pews. Another woman is dusting the statuary. Mrs Egan is kneeling in one of the forward benches.

 

WOMAN WITH DUSTER

(stops dusting, looks at the statue, beckons to the woman cleaning the pews) Maggie...Maggie? The statue.

 

Maggie toddles over and looks up at the statue.

 

MAGGIE

Merciful hell (??) Look at him. Is he...is he...?

 

Woman with duster nods.

 

MAGGIE

Kathleen...Kathleen, come here.

 

Kathleen, who was saying her rosary, looks over at the two women with a furrowed brow.

 

MAGGIE

Look. The statue, look at it.

 

Kathleen looks up. Mrs Egan looks over, too. Maggie moves over so that Kathleen can see better. Kathleen starts to smile in wonder. She flutters away, pauses to genuflect, barely taking her eyes off the statue, mouth wide open. Mrs Egan watches her go.

 

CUT TO

Church exterior. Kathleen flies out of the church (figuratively speaking, of course) and runs out to the street.

 

CUT TO

Curate's house interior. The outer door is open. Kathleen knocks at the knocker.

 

PETER

(calls from somewhere inside the house) Come in?

 

KATHLEEN

Father? (sings) Father!

 

PETER

(calls from the kitchen) In here! (he is standing at the sink, shirt sleeves rolled up, wearing yellow rubber gloves, doing the washing up)

 

Kathleen goes into the kitchen.

 

CUT TO

Kitchen. Kathleen enters.

 

KATHLEEN

(with suppressed excitement) Father Clifford. Come down to the church. At once.

 

PETER

(frowns) Something wrong, Kathleen?

 

KATHLEEN

(ecstatically) Far from wrong, Father, far from wrong! (she leaves as she came)

 

PETER

Well, hang on a minute, Kathleen. (he hurries after her, pulling off the yellow rubber gloves)

 

CUT TO

Curate's house exterior. Kathleen is hurrying up toward the church. Peter is trying to keep up with her.

 

PETER

Kathleen...Kathleen, slow down! Look, you haven't told me what's the matter. Kathleen!

 

CUT TO

Church interior. Kathleen enters, followed by Peter.

 

PETER

(hisses) Kathleen what is it.

 

Kathleen walks over to the statue, pausing to genuflect. Peter does likewise. Maggie, the woman with the duster, and Mrs Egan are still there, staring up at the statue.

 

PETER

Ladies.

 

KATHLEEN

(whispers) The child of Prague.

 

PETER

(looks skeptically at the women, barely glances at the statue) What about it?

 

KATHLEEN

Look at his forehead.

 

CUT TO

Statue. The statue's face is shiny.

 

PETER

(steps closer and inspects the statue) What's that?

 

The statue has droplets on its face.

 

MRS EGAN

Sweat. The statue's sweating. Show some respect. He's perspiring poor thing.

 

MAGGIE

(earnestly) It's all them garments.

 

Peter looks extremely skeptical.

 

MRS EGAN

It's a sign, you know. For Niamh and Ambrose. That boy of theirs will be special. (she crosses herself and leaves)

 

Maggie and the woman with the duster exchange a look.

 

KATHLEEN

Father Mac will have to be informed. (she leaves)

 

PETER

No. Erm, Kathleen...

 

Kathleen is on her way to the door. She pauses to genuflect. Peter also does.

 

PETER

(hisses) Kathleen! (he follows her out the door)

 

SCENE

Fitzgerald's interior. The place is busy. Peter, wearing casual clothes, is in the background. Maggie and the woman with the duster are talking to Padraig, who is taking notes.

 

WOMAN WITH DUSTER

I think he's only gorgeous. And the scarlet lips ??

 

MAGGIE

He's the dead spit of Liberace! (grabs Padraig's arm) God rest him (crosses herself)

 

PADRAIG

(pleased) Well thank you very much indeed ladies. (steps away from them)

 

PETER

(to Padraig) What are you doing?

 

PADRAIG

Just doing me job Father, how bout a little--

 

PETER

Don't fuel this fire, Padraig.

 

ASSUMPTA

(from behind the bar, encouragingly) Fuel it, Padraig, fuel it.

 

PETER

Assumpta--

 

PADRAIG

Eamonn! (walks away)

 

Peter gives Assumpta a disgusted look and walks away. Assumpta looks like she feels a little guilty. A brood of cackling hens follows Peter.

 

WOMEN

(clamouring) Father! Father! etc.

 

Peter tries to escape them outside.

 

PADRAIG

(speaking to Eamonn at the bar) Cilldargan Democrat. What do you make of this event here in Ballykissangel.

 

EAMONN

I don't know what to make of it Padraig. I have a bit of town land news report. I'm after getting an offer for two acres of an out farm. In the low valley.

 

PADRAIG

Yeah I'll include that in the Townland notes. Who's the buyer?

 

EAMONN

Sorry Padraig. He wants to remain anonymous.

 

Padraig makes some notes.

 

SCENE

St. Joseph's interior. Several tourists are looking at the statue and pointing. The statue has droplets on its brow.

 

SCENE

St. Joseph's exterior. Nighttime. Crowds of tourists are hanging around in the street outside the church. Some are leaning on Liam and Donal's trailer with bags of chips.

 

CUT TO

Trailer. Liam and Donal are slaving away in clouds of steam. Liam is serving and Donal is cooking. There is a long line of people waiting to be served. One of them is a woman with her hair tied up in rags. She stares dreamily at Liam.

 

LIAM

(takes money from a customer) Thank you. (to Donal) More porkers there garcon! Thank God for a bit of sweat, what? (laughs and steps to the back of the trailer)

 

DONAL

I need an assistant. (steps up to the service window)

 

LIAM

You know what I was thinking, Donal. Donal.

 

Donal sees the woman with rags in her hair. She smiles seductively at him. He gapes.

 

LIAM

Donal. (he looks over Donal's shoulder at the woman, then looks at Donal) Are you a statue now or what?

 

WOMAN

Hyper porker and chips. Handsome.

 

DONAL

(smiles self-consciously) OK. (he steps away to fill her order)

 

Liam stares at the woman. She gives him a knowing look.

 

SCENE

St. Joseph's interior. Dr. Ryan is up on a ladder next to the statue in question.

 

MICHAEL

Now. This won't hurt a bit. (takes a sample of the liquid on the statue's face with a swab)

 

Peter and Fr Mac are standing at the foot of the ladder.

 

MICHAEL

(to the priests) You know, I think this goes under the heading of weirdest call-out to a patient. There we are. (he puts the sample in his pocket)

 

PETER

Wipe him clean, Michael. Then I can announce at Mass tomorrow that the sweat is gone and that will be the end of that.

 

Michael wipes the statue's face with a handkerchief.

 

FR MAC

I wouldn't bet on that, Father. They're just as likely to flock back in to see if he's started perspiring again.

 

MICHAEL

(descends the ladder) Ah sure you don't really believe--

 

PETER

Course I don't believe. But if it's condensation coming from the inside of the statue or melting glue then we've just got superstition on our hands. But if stuff's being put on there, I will not put up with that.

 

MICHAEL

Well I'll have the results back from the lab as soon as possible. Good night to you both.

 

PETER

See you Michael.

 

FR MAC

Good night doctor.

 

PETER

(climbs partway up the ladder) Think I'll put him in the sacristy. Till the gawpers find something better to do.

 

FR MAC

I wouldn't do that Father.

 

PETER

Oh no? What would you do?

 

FR MAC

Leave it out in its niche.

 

PETER

Oh come on, Father Mac, you can't condone this.

 

FR MAC

God moves in mysterious ways. And even a nine-day wonder might cause a surge of real devotion.

 

Peter descends the ladder

 

FR MAC

Lots of prayers will be said. And a collection box, judiciously positioned, might help to alleviate some of your problems-- (mimes driving a car)

 

PETER

I don't need ... (mimes driving a car)

 

FR MAC

Ah yes you do. Don't be too quick to judge, Father. Now help me with this box. (he walks away)

 

Peter watches him, frowning thoughtfully.

 

SCENE

St. Joseph's exterior. Daytime. A crowd is waiting outside the church. Peter makes his way through them to the door.

 

PETER

Scuse me. Eileen? (speaking to a girl waiting at the head of the line) The front door this morning. Good morning. Scuse me. Good morning. Good morning. Scuse me. Morning. Scuse me.

 

MAN

Good morning.

 

PETER

Good morning ladies.

 

Kathleen and Mrs Egan are waiting. They follow close on Peter's heels.

 

PETER

Morning.

 

CUT TO

St. Joseph's interior. Peter enters, followed by Eileen, Mrs Egan, and the rest of the crowd. Peter looks very annoyed. He walks directly toward the front of the church, without even glancing at the statue.

 

WOMAN

(cries) It's perspiring again!

 

ANOTHER WOMAN

(exclaims) It is! It is!

 

Peter looks even more annoyed.

 

SCENE

Fitzgerald's interior. Assumpta is behind the bar. She gets change from the cash register and hands it to a customer. Then she walks out around the bar and starts clearing tables. Brendan is sitting at the bar reading a newspaper.

 

BRENDAN

Assumpta, if I didn't know you better, I'd say it was you who started this sweating statue thing. This place was jammed last night.

 

ASSUMPTA

(carries empty glasses back behind the bar) Did Father Clifford read the riot act at Mass?

 

BRENDAN

He did. That'll only make them flop for it worse. Remember the moving statue of Ballinspittle? The crowds didn't get going there till the bishop came out strongly against it. It's even made the Dublin papers.

 

ASSUMPTA

Oh. We'll be inundated later. Spose I shouldn't complain.

 

BRENDAN

Cilldargan Democrat's full of it. Padraig's got a scoop on his hands.

 

ASSUMPTA

Yeah that's where I'd look if I was trying to pin down who set this up.

 

BRENDAN

Hm. There's a thought. (he picks up his ale)

 

ASSUMPTA

(gives Brendan a knowing look, then exclaims as the door opens) Oh ho, speak of the devil, it's the mild mannered reporter, Clark O'Kelley himself.

 

Padraig enters, smiles, closes the door, walks over to the bar and sits down next to Brendan. He has a newspaper in his hand, which he sets down on the bar. Brendan studiously ignores him.

 

PADRAIG

I'll just have a coffee please, Assumpta.

 

ASSUMPTA

Ah. No quotes. (smiles saucily at him)

 

Padraig smiles back. Assumpta goes to get his coffee.

 

BRENDAN

(without looking at Padraig) You did well. For a rookie.

 

PADRAIG

(brags) Well I have pages one two three four and five of the Cilldargan Democrat. That's a lot of column inches.

 

Assumpta is pouring coffee.

 

PADRAIG

(to Brendan, under his breath) No thanks to you. (examines his paper) Hey. The ?? of Byrne's two acres has been spiked.

 

Brendan looks around, mouths "spiked?" to Assumpta. She looks skeptical. Brendan shakes his head and returns to his newspaper. Padraig looks puzzled.

 

SCENE

Egan's house interior. Brian is walking through the living room, a plate and a cup in his hand. Niamh is following him.

 

BRIAN

Now I'm up to my eyes, I really have to go.

 

NIAMH

I wish you'd stay. She won't be back for hours. She's dragged Ambrose off to the church again.

 

They enter the kitchen.

 

BRIAN

Well I'd love to, you know I would. (he puts his dishes in the sink)

 

NIAMH

Trying to keep you out of each other's way isn't exactly good for me. Or the baby.

 

BRIAN

(drying his hands on a towel) Well, it's not my fault that your mother-in-law is a pain.

 

NIAMH

(picks up a pan with a raw chicken in it and carries it to the oven) Nothing's ever your fault, is it, Dad?

 

BRIAN

Look. It'll be all right. (helps Niamh with the oven) As soon as he's born, we'll all get on like a house on fire. (he puts the chicken in the oven, turns on the oven, kisses Niamh on the cheek, and leaves)

 

NIAMH

Thanks for the chocolates. And the flowers

 

BRIAN

(calls from down the hall) I'll see you tomorrow then.

 

Niamh chops herbs at the table.

 

SCENE

Garda station rear exterior. Brian is walking up to where he parked his car. Padraig is coming down toward him.

 

PADRAIG

Mr Quigley!

 

BRIAN

Padraig, my ace reporter! This story is the making of you. (grasps Padraig by the shoulders) You know we sold more copies last week than ever before.

 

PADRAIG

(nods) Mm-hm. (puts his hands in his pockets)

 

BRIAN

(shoves Padraig jestingly in the arm) Ya didn't.

 

PADRAIG

What?

 

BRIAN

The sweat on the statue, did you?

 

PADRAIG

(shakes his head, laughing) I'd never take part in a stunt like that.

 

BRIAN

Well somebody's not as squeamish as you are. (he opens his car door)

 

PADRAIG

(leans on the car door) Oh where's your faith Brian. I mean, why can't we win?

 

BRIAN

Don't tell me you believe in all that rubbish.

 

PADRAIG

What about Lourdes?

 

BRIAN

Lourdes's different.

 

PADRAIG

How?

 

BRIAN

Well Lourdes has sun and wine. (removes his jacket) And an eighteen hole golf course.

 

PADRAIG

(chuckles) Incorrigible as ever. Eh why was my story spiked?

 

BRIAN

What story?

 

PADRAIG

Eamonn Byrne selling his land.

 

BRIAN

I told you. I don't want my business paraded over the papers. OK?

 

PADRAIG

So you're the writer.

 

Behind them, a car honks. Con Casey's red sports car drives out of town.

 

BRIAN

No I'm not, I have to go.

 

PADRAIG

Uh, isn't that guy-- (points at the sports car)

 

BRIAN

There's a miracle taking place up the road. Go and bloody report it and keep your nose out of my business if you want to keep your job. (gets into car)

 

Padraig closes the car door and walks away, looking thoughtful. Brian starts his engine.

 

SCENE

Fitzgerald's interior. The place is packed. Peter, wearing priest's clothes, enters through the hotel entrance. Brendan and Siobhan are sitting at the bar.

 

BRENDAN

(in low tones, to Siobhan) Here he is. The moving curate.

 

Peter walks through the pub, accepting congratulations as he goes.

 

PETER

Coffee, Assumpta, please.

 

Assumpta, behind the bar, nods.

 

SIOBHAN

That was a fighting speech, Father. Woe unto ye. Haven't heard that since the redemptrists. (??)

 

PETER

(derisively) Well, a sweating statue.

 

ASSUMPTA

(pouring coffee) Oh, simple people, simple faith.

 

PETER

Well simple isn't the same as stupid, Assumpta.

 

ASSUMPTA

(carries coffee cup to the bar, condescendingly) So where does simple end and stupid start? I mean-- we are asked, no, you ask us to believe a whole load of things that on the face of it are just as incredible as--

 

PETER

I'll tell you where stupid starts.

 

Assumpta blinks at Peter, surprised that he is actually answering her question.

 

PETER

Stupid starts with people believing a statue that doesn't move or speak or even bleed, that sweats.

 

ASSUMPTA

(laughs) Well that's a bit rich coming from you, considering what you claim to do, on a daily basis, up there on the altar.

 

Brendan and Siobhan look down uncomfortably, knowing that Assumpta has gone too far. Peter slaps two coins down on the bar top. Assumpta looks at him, wide-eyed.

 

PETER

(quietly, with suppressed rage) I do not need this, right now. (turns and leaves)

 

BRENDAN

Assumpta, that's his vocation you just kneed in the groin.

 

ASSUMPTA

(somewhat shakily) Shut up Brendan.

 

SCENE

Eamonn's farm. There's the rusty old petrol tank with the words "DIESEL--AGRICULTURAL USE ONLY" on the front. Padraig's tow truck drives up. Padraig leans out the window.

 

PADRAIG

(yelling over the noise of the engine) Eamonn!

 

EAMONN

(looks up from where he is feeding the sheep) Padraig. Any news?

 

PADRAIG

(cuts the engine, gets out of the truck) Well the statue has started sweating again.

 

EAMONN

(sets down the feed bucket, walks over to Padraig) Well, that is a miracle. (rubs his hands) It's bloody freezing.

 

PADRAIG

(closes the truck door, walks over to Eamonn) Now Eamonn, I've come out to talk to you about that bit of land that you sold. (takes out a pad of paper, turns back the cover) To Quigley.

 

EAMONN

You found out. (points at Padraig) He swore me to secrecy.

 

PADRAIG

See that's just the point Eamonn. I think Quigley's up to something. Now why those two particular acres.

 

Padraig and Eamonn start walking.

 

EAMONN

(considers) Well... (suddenly) It's next to ten of his.

 

PADRAIG

Yeah. And and who else owns land around there. (makes some notes)

 

EAMONN

There's twenty acres adjoining Quigley's that belongs to Bella Moody. She moved to England a lifetime ago. That's let--

 

PADRAIG

(interrupts, stops walking) Eh eh, who let it to her?

 

EAMONN

Creighton's in Cilldargan.

 

Padraig looks like two and two make four. He makes some more notes.

 

EAMONN

I think. Now I can't be sure. (wanders off toward his tractor)

 

PADRAIG

No thank you Eamonn. (makes a final dot on his paper) You were a mine of information. (goes back toward his truck)

 

Eamonn opens the door of his tractor.

 

SCENE

Ballykissangel street. A parade is passing in front of the curate's house, going up to the church. Peter is standing before the house, looking very disheartened. He shakes his head slightly in disgust. Ambrose pulls up in front of the house in the garda car. He gets out of the car.

 

AMBROSE

Father. You were looking for me. (walks around the front of the car, puts on his hat, walks over to Peter)

 

PETER

Ambrose, yeah. (watches the procession as it goes up to the church) Look I'm sorry to call you up, um... (indicates the interior of the house) Come inside, take a seat.

 

CUT TO

Curate's house interior. Ambrose enters, followed by Peter. Peter closes the door. Ambrose walks into the sitting room and removes his hat, which he puts down on a table. He is about to sit when Peter speaks.

 

PETER

(vexed) It's the statue.

 

AMBROSE

I heard, it's sweating again.

 

PETER

(distressed) Sweating, it's not sweating Ambrose

 

AMBROSE

So you don't think it's a miracle?

 

PETER

(raises his voice) Of course it's not a-- (modulates his tone) miracle. Someone's tampering with it. Smearing it with stuff to make it look like sweat.

 

AMBROSE

Well I'm not sure smearing a statue with an unknown substance is covered specifically in any part of the criminal code. If someone broke a lock, that-- that would be trespassing--

 

PETER

(first a puzzled frown, then two fingers to his temple in utter frustration) Trespass is not what I'm on about, Ambrose. (picks at the skin on his temple) I'm on about becoming paranoid and suspicious and that's no way for a priest to be.

 

AMBROSE

Right.

 

PETER

See I look around and everywhere I look, I see someone who stands to gain from this thing.

 

AMBROSE

(nonchalantly) Like who?

 

Peter sits down. Ambrose likewise.

 

PETER

(reluctantly) Padraig. (fretfully) God I wish this had never happened. (raises his fingers to his lips and looks like he's about to bite his nails)

 

AMBROSE

(slightly surprised) Padraig?

 

PETER

(urgently) The Cilldargan Democrat is selling like hotcakes and he's just joined.

 

AMBROSE

(with interest) Right. Anyone else?

 

PETER

Well there's those two in the chip van. (points over his shoulder) Liam and Donal. Kathleen, she was the first one to show it to me. (almost bites his nails again) Assump-- ta. (frowns and looks at Ambrose, horrified that the thought would even occur to him and yet finding at that moment that she is the most likely suspect)

 

AMBROSE

(in agreement) Assumpta's raking it in down there.

 

PETER

(trying to discredit the idea) Well yeah, but you don't really think that Assumpta would be up to this kind of thing? (looks to Ambrose for support)

 

AMBROSE

(with a slight smile) No.

 

PETER

(not entirely convinced) No. (bites nails)

 

AMBROSE

But we'd better find out soon who is doing it, otherwise everyone in Ballykissangel will be suspected by the priest, and, you're right, that won't be good for the priest. Or for the village.

 

PETER

So what do we do?

 

AMBROSE

If someone wants this (rolls eyes) miracle to continue, they've got to get to the statue and put more... er... sweat, on, so we lie in wait and apprehend him or her.

 

PETER

Tonight?

 

AMBROSE

Tonight, yeah, I'll come about ten. (picks up his hat and stands up) I'm taking Niamh out first, a little dinner for two, we have the mammy looking after her at the moment. Niamh loves that of course. (not a hint of sarcasm)

 

Peter smiles indulgently and stands.

 

PETER

All that attention.

 

AMBROSE

Exactly, yeah, but tonight, there's gonna be just the two of us.

 

Peter nods. Ambrose puts on his hat and leaves.

 

SCENE

Restaurant. Chinese pictures are hanging on the wall. Chinese music is playing in the background. Ambrose and Niamh are sitting next to each other at a table, looking at menus. A waitress (not Chinese) is waiting to take their order. She looks slightly impatient.

 

NIAMH

I'd like the... (shows the waitress the menu) kung pu chicken, with pickled cabbage.

 

The waitress nods and writes down the order on her notepad. Someone clears their throat. Mrs Egan is also sitting at the table. She has on a blue hat.

 

MRS EGAN

Bad for the baby that.

 

AMBROSE

Mammy!

 

MRS EGAN

When I was breastfeeding him, if I so much as looked at a cabbage, he had the most terrible wind.

 

AMBROSE

(embarrassed) Mammy!

 

MRS EGAN

Look. I think you should bring her a nice piece of poached fish. Haddock if you have it.

 

Niamh purses her lips and looks at Mrs Egan.

 

SCENE

Ballykissangel. Night. Street outside the church. Liam and Donal's trailer is still there. There are several tourists walking past. The ground is strewn with discarded paper bags and cups. A car drives past.

 

CUT TO

Trailer interior.

 

LIAM

Come on make a night Donal, what?

 

Donal and the woman who had the rags in her hair earlier are attached at the lips.

 

LIAM

Donal?

 

Liam picks up Donal's arm and drops it again. It falls limply.

 

SCENE

St. Joseph's interior. Peter, wearing jeans, his big grey sweater, and a black windbreaker, is standing in the darkened church, aiming a torch (flashlight) at the ceiling. He zooms the light around, making whooshing sounds.

 

PETER

Ambrose, where are you?

 

Up front near the pulpit, a light flashes. Ambrose is sitting on the steps leading up to the altar. He points his torch at himself so that Peter can see him and waves.

 

PETER

(aims his light at Ambrose) Oh. It's freezing. It's two a. m. Nobody's going to come in tonight.

 

A door opens.

 

AMBROSE

(whispers) You put out the light Father, someone's coming. (stands and picks up his hat from the pulpit)

 

The lights go off. Ambrose puts on his hat and walks toward the door. Father Mac enters, slowly and tentatively looking around. Ambrose jumps him, putting him in a headlock. Father Mac gasps for air.

 

AMBROSE

Got him! Torch!

 

PETER

(menacingly) Let's have a look at you. (shines his light in Fr Mac's face)

 

FR MAC

(gasping) Ahhhh.

 

AMBROSE

(lets him go) Oh God.

 

Peter looks contrite. Ambrose takes off his hat.

 

FR MAC

(gasps) Ohhh. I might have guessed. Holmes and Watson. Or is it Laurel and Hardy.

 

AMBROSE

So sorry Father MacAnally.

 

PETER

We were looking for the hoaxer.

 

AMBROSE

Lying in wait.

 

FR MAC

(incensed) Lying in wait, were you? Well I've had three separate phone calls. That there was lights flashing, that there were people walking around... th-- that there was a soleil lumiere going on in the chapel at Ballykissangel! And no sign of a curate or a guard to investigate! So. It wasn't going to be a very successful ambush was it.

 

AMBROSE

No, possibly not.

 

PETER

(sheepishly) We were flashing the lights as a signal. Gets suprisingly lonely in the dark.

 

FR MAC

Surprisingly freezing as well. Now. I suggest we put an end to this ridiculous charade and try and catch up on what remains of a night's sleep! (exits)

 

Ambrose and Peter look sheepishly at each other.

 

SCENE

Ballykissangel street. Daytime. A motorscooter drives past. Padraig is standing at a pay phone, the receiver wedged between his cheek and his shoulder, writing on his notepad.

 

PADRAIG

(into phone) So erm, Brian Quigley is bidding on these twenty acres. Ye-- yes look, I know you didn't say it was Brian Quigley. (rolls eyes) The bidder formerly known as Quigley. No, he hasn't changed his name, that was a joke Mr. Creighton. No, I have never been known as Quigley. Ah look, ah yeah look, thanks very much for your help. (hangs up and takes his phone card out of the phone)

 

SCENE

Egans's living room. Niamh is reclining on the couch. Dr. Ryan is taking her blood pressure.

 

MICHAEL

(removes his stethoscope from around his neck) Well he's a little bit away yet Niamh. Or she. (smiles, checks blood pressure cuff) And your blood pressure's right down, which is always good news. (starts to loosen the cuff)

 

MRS EGAN

(bustles into the room, wearing an apron and carrying a tea towel and a wooden spoon) Niamh? Porridge time. Oh. Hello Dr. Ryan. (beams at the doctor)

 

MICHAEL

Mrs. Egan. (fingers the cuff, doesn't remove it) Uh, I'm attending to Niamh here, Mrs. Egan.

 

MRS EGAN

Oh. Certainly. Of course. (leaves)

 

Niamh frowns worriedly, turns her head halfway to see her go. The blood pressure gauge beeps.

 

MICHAEL

Well your, blood pressure's gone up. (looks in the direction Mrs Egan went, then back at Niamh) Is there something I should know about Niamh?

 

Niamh looks fretful.

 

SCENE

Field. The scrubbiest two acres on God's green earth. Brian's car is parked in the middle of the field.

 

BRIAN

Right, then we proceed.

 

CUT TO

Car interior. Brian is sitting in the driver's seat, Con Casey in the passenger's seat, and the solicitor is in the back, leaning forward.

 

BRIAN

If fifty thousand's the best you can do for the ten acres we go ahead. I wish now I'd done the whole deal meself. I've done rather better with Eamonn Byrne's two acres, bit of a bargain there really.

 

A knock sounds at Brian's window.

 

BRIAN

(shouts) What!

 

Padraig appears outside the car.

 

BRIAN

(shouts) Go away I'm busy!

 

Padraig leans against the window. Brian lowers the window.

 

BRIAN

What the hell are you doing here? I thought I told you to mind your own business.

 

PADRAIG

Can you tell me about this deal. Why do you want twenty acres up here and why have you applied for access roads there and there. (indicates two points in the distance)

 

BRIAN

Listen, O'Kelley, I build houses. I'm a useful person in the community unlike some. I'm allowed to buy land wherever I like.

 

PADRAIG

And I'm allowed to ask questions on behalf of the media.

 

BRIAN

Not on my time you're not. You're fired. (he raises the window, shouts as an afterthought) And get off my land!

 

CUT TO

Field. Brian's car drives away, leaving Padraig standing there alone.

 

PADRAIG

Right. OK. (pulls out "The Way of the Phoenix" from his jacket pocket, opens it, reads) Coping with despair. No. (flips through the book)

 

SCENE

Sacristy. Peter is emptying the collection box. The radio is on.

 

RADIO ANNOUNCER

--on the right hand side, Templeton with a lovely cross--

 

Peter scrapes some coins out of the collection box.

 

RADIO ANNOUNCER

--right about the penalty spot, heading high into the air--

 

Peter stacks the coins up, picks them up.

 

RADIO ANNOUNCER

--not cleared yet. David Clap--

 

Peter drops the coins into the box.

 

RADIO ANNOUNCER

--out towards the centre circle--

 

CUT TO

Ballykissangel street. A large procession is making its way up the street toward the church, led by several church dignitaries in red and white. The lead figure is carrying a crucifix on a tall pole. Fr Mac is just behind, dressed in gold robes. The crowd is singing a hymn.

 

CUT TO

Sacristy. Peter is still counting out his money.

 

RADIO ANNOUNCER

--forward again to--

 

Peter drops some coins into the box. He squints and looks out the window as the strains of the song become audible.

 

CUT TO

Street. The strains of the song swell, accompanied by music from the soundtrack. All of the members of the procession, everyday people, are carrying candles and sheet music. A group of biker chicks is walking along. There's a biker dude, too.

 

CUT TO

St. Joseph's interior. The church is empty. Kathleen runs up to the organ and pulls off the sheet covering the keyboard.

 

CUT TO

Sacristy. Peter is putting away the money.

 

RADIO ANNOUNCER

--back in to the left hand side--

 

Organ music begins. Peter looks around, frowning in confusion. He puts the rest of the coins in the box and stands up. It is 8:30.

 

RADIO ANNOUNCER

--too many blue shirts--

 

Peter turns off the radio, goes out to the church.

 

CUT TO

St. Joseph's interior. As he opens the door, Peter sees the procession entering the church, with Fr Mac at the head. Fr Mac comes up to the pulpit. Peter approaches him.

 

PETER

Father, what is going on? I didn't organize this.

 

FR MAC

(proudly) I did.

 

PETER

(incredulous) When?

 

FR MAC

(in measured tones) I must have neglected to inform you.

 

PETER

(incensed) I don't believe you had-- (through his teeth) This is my church.

 

FR MAC

(corrects him) God's church. My parish. Look Father. If you can't beat them, join them. Now there's going to be a crowd in any case. So I thought it right to channel this idle curiosity to proper devotion. (takes a seat behind the pulpit)

 

PETER

(leans over, discreetly) Devotion? Someone is trespassing here in the dead of night and putting stuff on that statue and you don't--

 

FR MAC

(reasonably) We don't know that, do we.

 

PETER

(confused) We don't know what?

 

FR MAC

That someone is doing it. I was in the church myself remember last night. I didn't see anybody.

 

PETER

(incredulously) Are you suggesting, that there really is a miracle going on here?

 

FR MAC

Oh yes, yes Father.

 

PETER

(flabbergasted and not a little disgusted) You can't be serious. (backs away)

 

FR MAC

(nods toward the congregation) Well look around you Father.

 

Camera pans around the church, which is full.

 

FR MAC

There are miracles going on all over the place. Little ones, but miracles just the same. (he stands) When did you last see Mally Kilmorry in church? Or Morasha Grainy? I'll have to ask him to sign the visitor's book. Now if you'll excuse me Father. (he steps up to the pulpit)

 

Peter watches him go, helpless.

 

SCENE

Ballykissangel street. The crowds are still streaming up to the church. Peter walks against the flow.

 

ASSUMPTA

(trots up toward the church, pushes her way across the procession to get to Peter) Sorry, scuse me. Scuse me. Father Clifford! Um...

 

CUT TO

Curate's house exterior. Assumpta catches up to Peter.

 

ASSUMPTA

Peter.

 

Peter stops, looks out at the passing throng, a look of helplessness and despair on his face.

 

ASSUMPTA

(wrings her hands) I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what I said in the pub.

 

PETER

(distractedly) It's all right.

 

ASSUMPTA

No I had no right to-- to say something that cuts to the heart of what you believe in.

 

PETER

(licks his lips) You were right though.

 

ASSUMPTA

Right?

 

PETER

(bitterly) When I see this side of it. (indicates the people) You know of what I do... Moving statues? Idolatry and ignorance? You know I sometimes think there is a very fine line here.

 

ASSUMPTA

(shakes her head, discomfited) Don't say that.

 

PETER

Why not? It's how I feel. How you feel, isn't it? (looks at Assumpta with a questioning look)

 

ASSUMPTA

Doesn't matter how I feel. Having a belief is a different matter.

 

PETER

Right at this moment, I'm not sure what I believe in. People. Me. You. (looks at Assumpta)

 

Assumpta searches his eyes, looking for ... something?

 

PETER

Scuse me. (turns and goes into the house)

 

SCENE

Church parking lot. Con Casey pulls up in his red sports car. Brian's car is already there. Brian is standing next to his car, watching the crowds pass.

 

CON

I'd forgotten this stuff while I was away. Thought we were over it.

 

BRIAN

Bean feast, bean feast.

 

Con gets out of his car, stands next to Brian.

 

BRIAN

Wouldn't be surprised if Father Mac hadn't thought this one up himself. I'd say the collection boxes are overflowing, you know what I mean? (spots Padraig standing at the side of the road, friendly) Ah Padraig!

 

PADRAIG

(waves, walks over to Brian) Mr. Quigley.

 

BRIAN

How's unemployment treating you?

 

PADRAIG

Wouldn't know actually, I'm a land agent now. In fact you're...dealing with a client of mine.

 

BRIAN

(scoffs) What are you talking about. Client!

 

PADRAIG

Eamonn Byrne. We'll be seeing you tomorrow. (turns away, back to the crowds)

 

Con and Brian watch him go.

 

SCENE

Michael's house exterior. Daytime. Michael is standing on a ladder outside the house, working on a window. Ambrose drives up in his garda car and parks in front of the house. He gets out.

 

AMBROSE

Hello doctor. (closes the car door)

 

MICHAEL

(waves) Ambrose. Glad you could call round.

 

AMBROSE

(walks over to the foot of the ladder, smiles) Nothing serious I hope, Dr. Ryan?

 

MICHAEL

No no it's um, it's about your mother actually.

 

AMBROSE

(smiles fades) Oh. Lord. (sighs) What's she done now.

 

MICHAEL

(descends ladder, screwdriver in his hand) Well, she's not helping Niamh's blood pressure at the moment.

 

AMBROSE

(looks around, sighs) I know it Doctor, she means well, but... Right. I'll talk to her, that's what I'll do.

 

MICHAEL

It's too late for talk. We need action here, I'm afraid, Ambrose.

 

AMBROSE

(apprehensive) Action? What kind of action?

 

MICHAEL

Banishment. You must put her in a car and take her back home. Today. (points at Ambrose with the screwdriver)

 

AMBROSE

(grasping at straws) Talking wouldn't do, no?

 

Michael shakes his head decisively. Ambrose looks around worriedly, goes back to his car. Michael watches him go, smiles to himself.

 

SCENE

St. Joseph's interior. The people are lined up to look at the statue. Peter watches them from the back of the church. Michael enters from outside, spots Peter, holds up an envelope, walks over to Peter.

 

MICHAEL

(whispers) I'm sorry this took so long. I had my suspicions immediately but with such obvious implications (indicates the tourists) in the results I wanted to be sure.

 

Peter nods, eagerly awaiting Michael's verdict.

 

MICHAEL

The substance on the brow of the statue (consults the paper in his hand) is an aggregation of globules of stearic polyunsaturates.

 

Peter frowns in incomprehension. Michael holds the paper up for Peter to see. Peter peers at the paper.

 

CUT TO

Street outside the church.

 

PETER

(livid) Chip fat! You put chip fat on the statue!

 

Liam and Donal are in their food trailer. Crowds of tourists are standing around, listening.

 

LIAM

(turns to Donal, calmly) You big eejit. (turns to Peter, apologetically) Sorry about that Father, it was meant to be washing up liquid.

 

PETER

(raging) Never mind what it was meant to be! You broke into the church, into the house of God and desecrated a statue with chip fat!

 

Donal looks ashamed.

 

PETER

I could have you arrested!

 

LIAM

(turns to Donal) You got the bottles mixed up.

 

DONAL

(defensively) I never! (mumbles) Well, maybe I did.

 

PETER

And it's not the first time, is it. There was that abomination with the statue down by your so-called gold mine. I should have put a stop to that but I didn't think I had the right.

 

Liam hops down out of the trailer.

 

PETER

And that was awful! Appalling!

 

Liam leads Peter away. Peter pulls his arm away. They walk around behind the trailer.

 

LIAM

I don't know what you're getting so hot under the collar fer. I mean they're only statues. It's not as if we desecrated the altar.

 

PETER

(somewhat calmer) Yeah, but you mock the faith of people who do believe. And you led on the gullible.

 

LIAM

I thought that was the name of the game.

 

PETER

(spitting mad) Well it's not the name of the game for me!

 

Liam looks a little ashamed.

 

PETER

(a little calmer again) Look statues are there for people--

 

DONAL

(pokes his head out of the back window) What about Father MacAnally?

 

LIAM

Yeah. He'd no problem taking a few shillings.

 

PETER

(caught off guard) Yeah. Well that's a very complex theological and philosophical point, a-- about a greater good coming from a lesser evil. Anyway, he didn't break into a church and tamper with a statue.

 

LIAM

(truculently) He would have if he'd thought of it first.

 

DONAL

(sincerely) I'm sorry Father, we shouldn't have.

 

LIAM

Look Father, what you were saying about the greater good. I mean think about it. Donal's got Sue Ellen.

 

Donal looks off to the side, embarrassed.

 

LIAM

People of Ballykissangel have got a-- a fine new food outlet. And er...maybe we can give you a complimentary meal, to make up.

 

DONAL

(over his shoulder) Sue Ellen? Waitress?

 

SUE ELLEN

(leans out another window next to Donal) Yep?

 

PETER

You're not getting me, are you? I've wiped the statue clean. There will be no more sweat, no more mockery, and no more cynicism. Your tacky little game, is over. (walks away)

 

LIAM

(protests) Ah but Father, y--

 

PETER

(stops and turns, gives the famous look with the raised finger) Don't, Liam. Just don't. (leaves)

 

Sue Ellen, Donal, and Liam watch him go. After a moment, Sue Ellen sticks a lollipop into her mouth, Liam sighs and they all go back to work.

 

CUT TO

Street side of trailer. Liam walks around to the front.

 

LIAM

So what now? Is the sky going to fall on us, is lightning going to strike us down? (gets up into the trailer)

 

MAN

Ah, excuse me.

 

A man in a suit and trenchcoat approaches. He looks like a bureaucrat.

 

MAN

Who's the owner of this vehicle?

 

Liam, Donal, and Sue Ellen are standing at the service window.

 

LIAM

I am, what can I do for you?

 

MAN

You can let me in that yoke (??) for a start.

 

LIAM

Scuse me?

 

MAN

(shows badge) From the department of health?

 

LIAM

Oh.

 

Donal looks to the heavens. Sue Ellen looks down.

 

SCENE

Brian's house exterior. Eamonn and Padraig, both wearing ties and jackets, are standing at the edge of Brian's porch.

 

BRIAN

You want how much?

 

PADRAIG

Three thousand.

 

BRIAN

For the lot?

 

PADRAIG

Per acre.

 

Eamonn looks at Padraig in surprise. Brian is sitting inside his hot tub, which is empty. He is cleaning the filter.

 

BRIAN

Eamonn, we had a deal. That's what I'll pay, not a penny more.

 

EAMONN

(points at Padraig, apologetically) My agent, Mr. Quigley. I'd love to sell it to you cheap but he's a hard man.

 

BRIAN

Well I'm damned if I'm gonna be held to ransom by a scarecrow and a failed newshound.

 

PADRAIG

(shrugs) Take it or leave it.

 

BRIAN

See you in hell first.

 

PADRAIG

(sighs) Right so. Come on Eamonn. (takes Eamonn by the arm and leads him away)

 

Eamonn looks reluctant to go.

 

BRIAN

Come back here.

 

Padraig and Eamonn stop, look back at Brian.

 

SCENE

Country road. Night. The garda car is driving along the road, lights on.

 

NIAMH

You're great.

 

CUT TO

Car interior. Ambrose is driving. Niamh is on the passenger seat.

 

NIAMH

I know how hard it must have been sending her away at a time when the baby's on her mind.

 

AMBROSE

It's only till this one's safely delivered. She can babysit all she likes after that.

 

Niamh smiles.

 

AMBROSE

But, blood pressure is blood pressure.

 

CUT TO

Road. The car pulls off the road and stops. Ambrose pulls the brake.

 

NIAMH

Why are we--?

 

CUT TO

Car interior. Niamh smiles slyly at Ambrose. They both unbuckle their seat belts. Ambrose leans over and puts his arm around Niamh.

 

AMBROSE

(tenderly) You know, I've never loved anyone or anything as much as I love you Niamhy.

 

Niamh smiles, pleased.

 

AMBROSE

I just wanted to say that before any... any rivals came to the scene.

 

NIAMH

(smiles) You are a good man.

 

They kiss.

 

NIAMH

(purrs) And a sexy one too.

 

AMBROSE

You're not allowed to say that to a member of the Garda National.

 

They kiss again. Niamh gasps.

 

AMBROSE

Oh my God.

 

NIAMH

(slightly panicked) I think it's started Ambrose. (breathes heavily) It has started!

 

AMBROSE

Hold on. (starts the car)

 

CUT TO

Road. The car drives quickly away.

 

CUT TO

Car interior. Niamh is gasping and straining. Ambrose is concentrating on driving.

 

NIAMH

(cries) It's coming really fast Ambrose.

 

AMBROSE

(struggling to remain calm) We're nearly at Johnstown.

 

NIAMH

(cries) But that's miles from the hospital I won't make it!

 

AMBROSE

(reaches for phone, speaks into it) Ambulance department, Garda Egan here. Ah hello, Johnny, look, I need an ambulance to meet me on the Johnstown road, I have a woman giving birth beside me here in the car.

 

Niamh is crying, sweat is pouring down her face, she is biting her lip.

 

AMBROSE

(into phone, remaining calm) Yes, I do, as it happens, it's my wife. Well thanks, thanks, Johnny, yeah, I-- I'll pass that on, over. (almost hangs up phone, but brings it back to his mouth) And hurry up, over. (to Niamh) The lads in the civil defense said to say congratul--

 

NIAMH

OH!

 

AMBROSE

Oh God. (scans road ahead)

 

SCENE

Fitzgerald's interior. Assumpta is clearing up. The place is nearly empty.

 

BRENDAN

The interesting times we live in.

 

He and Siobhan are sitting at the bar, in the exact same positions, wearing the exact same clothes, as earlier.

 

BRENDAN

The miracle's over, the crowds are gone. And Donal and Liam are out of business.

 

SIOBHAN

I wonder was it corn oil? Or sunflower oil. On the statue.

 

BRENDAN

I don't know.

 

Assumpta is drying a glass, smiles wanly to herself.

 

BRENDAN

Gave Donal and Liam a tidy roasted (??) anyway.

 

Assumpta pinches her lips together, as if to say, "I'm not saying another word."

 

SCENE

Garda car. The windows are steamed up. Niamh grunts and slaps the window with her hand.

 

CUT TO

Car interior. Niamh is wedged up against the door in the back seat. Ambrose is fumbling around with a torch (flashlight).

 

AMBROSE

All right love that's all right OK OK just-- take it easy, take it easy. (shines light around, fumbles in a first aid kit for latex gloves)

 

NIAMH

(gasps, pants) That was the worst one so far Ambrose.

 

AMBROSE

(wedges torch between cheek and shoulder, fumbles with the gloves) OK, I know, I know love, just-- just breathe, remember, just--

 

Niamh pants.

 

AMBROSE

--keep breathing. (blows into a latex glove)

 

NIAMH

I am breathing.

 

AMBROSE

Remember the classes.

 

NIAMH

How would you know, you fainted at that bit.

 

Ambrose struggles to get his fingers into the gloves. Niamh gasps and pulls Ambrose close to her, making him drop the torch. She sobs and kisses him.

 

NIAMH

(sobs) I'm frightened.

 

AMBROSE

It'll be OK, it's OK, I'm here.

 

She kisses him again.

 

SCENE

Fitzgerald's interior. Padraig enters.

 

PADRAIG

Ah. The serenity of a good pub. (takes a seat next to Brendan)

 

ASSUMPTA

(still drying that glass) What has you so happy?

 

PADRAIG

I retired, and my fortune is made.

 

ASSUMPTA

Fortune? Thought you were fired. (puts glass down, walks to other end of bar)

 

PADRAIG

I was. But things turned out for the best in the end. I'm supplying Father Clifford with a new car. Well, newish.

 

Assumpta turns to look at Padraig with interest.

 

PADRAIG

But what's best of all, I have just separated Quigley from a substantial wad of cash.

 

Assumpta looks impressed.

 

BRENDAN

My God. There's not many people that've experienced that and lived to tell the tale.

 

PADRAIG

True. And this... (reaches into pocket, extracts copy of "The Way of the Phoenix") is how it was done. Will it read (??)?

 

Assumpta pulls a pint, walks back to Brendan and the others. Brendan takes the book from Padraig, peruses the cover. Assumpta places the beer in front of Padraig.

 

PADRAIG

I'd skip the first few chapters and go straight to the one on getting your own back.

 

Assumpta leans on the bar next to Padraig. They wink and nod at each other.

 

SCENE

Garda car interior. Night. Niamh is laboring. Ambrose mops her brow. He is wearing latex gloves. She grunts.

 

AMBROSE

OK, breathe. That's it. Good, Niamh. Breathe.

 

Niamh pushes against the roof of the car for support.

 

AMBROSE

And push. Push, good. I-- I can see the head.

 

NIAMH

Gaaaa!

 

AMBROSE

Go on, go on, push! I can see the-- oh!

 

Niamh collapses with a look of shock and surprise on her face.

 

AMBROSE

Oh my God!

 

Baby sounds.

 

AMBROSE

Oh! (Ambrose lifts up a crying infant) It's a boy Niamh.

 

The baby cries. Niamh wraps a blanket around him while Ambrose holds him.

 

AMBROSE

(joyously) It's a boy Niamh. A son.

 

Ambrose and Niamh hold the baby between them. The baby stops crying. Ambrose and Niamh look at each other and at the baby. They kiss. The baby cries a little.

 

CUT TO

Road. The garda car is parked at the side of the road with the headlights on. The stars are visible in the sky. A shooting star falls over the hills. The ambulance siren can be heard in the distance.

 

ROLL CREDITS