Coping with Sibling Rivalry

Burton White

There is little question in my mind that the difficulties associated with having closely spaced children under age three constitutes the single most pressing concern for families of young children.*

Recently in my talks to groups on this subject I have used the following kind of story to express just how difficult it is for a two-year-old when a younger brother or sister arrives in the home. He's in the same situation a woman would be in if her husband one day announced to her, "Honey,. I've got wonderful news for you. Next week I'm planning to bring home someone else to live with us. It'll be a woman; she'll be a bit younger than you, perhaps a little bit more attractive. In any event, she'll seem that way because I plan to spend more time with her than with you; nevertheless, we're all going to continue to be a very happy family. You'll get used to her presence and I very much want you not only to love her but to show how much you love her."

Most women would find this eventuality intolerable, so how on earth can we expect a two-year- old, whose whole life revolves around the home and the people who care for him, to be able to adjust to such a change? The only toddler who wouldn't be extremely jealous and unhappy about the presence of a nine-or ten-month-old sibling would be one who had very little to lose; and the only kind of two-year-old with very little to lose would be one who had not formed a basic attachment to his own mother. In a sense, then, the resentment of a two-year-old toward a younger sibling is reasonably good proof that that older child has formed normal, beneficial ties to his mother.

It's very important for parents to recognize that two closely spaced young siblings are living in a chronically difficult state. You shouldn't just hope that the troubles will automatically sort themselves out. They usually do not. A special effort is needed to help both children get through their first few years together.

The problems do not often begin during pregnancy or even soon after the child is born. Normally, the older child will maintain his good temper until the new baby starts to crawl, at which point the infant not only needs more of the parents' attention, but is also probably getting into the older child's toys as well.

The older child may try to hit the baby or otherwise hurt him. He may regress, that is, become more babyish himself: take to crawling if he is walking; go back to a pacifier or bottle; return to negativism and tantrums; return to wetting his pants if he is already toilet trained. Or he may show signs of being unhappy, appear sad, cling to his mother, burst into tears for no apparent reason. The number of different ways in which slightly older children reveal their jealousy in such situations is remarkably large.

That this is a thoroughly undesirable state of affairs is obvious, but if-4t exists, what do you do about it? The first order of business is to protect the baby from aggression. It makes no sense to try to make the older child feel guilty. After all, his dislike of his sibling is natural, but it must be made clear to him that aggression of any sort is unacceptable; It must not be permitted.

The second task is to make life more bearable for the older child. The happier he is, the easier the life of the new baby will be. Many parents ask me if there is a way to prepare a two-year-old for the arrival of a little sister or brother. Unfortunately, rational explanations of complicated future situations are useless when the listener is less than two years old. But once the baby is home, you can reduce the upset by avoiding lavish praise of the younger child in the presence of the older one. Also, as soon as possible, provide out-of-home experiences for the older child. These help to relieve the pressure in the family situation. If the older child, for example, is two and one-half or going on three, a regular play group would be an excellent idea. In any event, the use of a babysitter to take the older child on trips to the park, the zoo, and the like would help.

While out-of-home experiences can help to reduce the older sibling's exposure to the jealousy- producing new situation in the family, they must never be used in such a way as to make the older child feel he is being shunted aside. In my judgement, it's terribly important for the older child to have undivided attention from either mother or father regularly, day after day, to reassure that older child in the only language that he can fully understand that he is loved just as much as ever.

Unfortunately, many parents, instead of trying to help the older sibling, place extra demands on him. The older child, who is developing rapidly and is obviously much more mature than the baby, is expected to act with restraint and wisdom. Far from getting sympathy for the unhappy predicament he faces, he's asked to be extra grown-up, not be a bother, and so on. Most often the parents don't mean to be unfair to the older child; they simply overestimate his abilities.

Hard as it is on parents, the fact is that when there are two very young children in the home, both need special attention, and the parents' job is therefore going to be at least twice as demanding as it was before. Let me once again repeat my caveat. There is simply no way of making this situation as easy to live with as dealing with a first child only or with widely spaced children. It is very important that both parents understand that fact.

The Sibling versus the Only Child

This is yet another issue about which we have very little scientific knowledge. Therefore once again I have to qualify what I say. My remarks are largely an extrapolation from what little we know.

Only children seem to be in some ways better off and in other ways less well off than other children. Certainly they have a major advantage, living in a more loving atmosphere during their first years, than do children with closely spaced siblings. The young child who must constantly compete with a close older or younger sibling (or both) is often handicapped in her development by the stress and sometimes even the danger of her situation. Only children don't experience such daily hostility; by and large they spend their time with adults who are considerate of them, who are aware of the harmful things that can happen to them, and who, in general, surround them with an atmosphere of acceptance.

As for the advantages of having siblings, I can think of none if the spacing is narrow (less than two and one-half or three years). When children are more widely spaced, they usually do seem to like and enjoy each other. I should hasten to add that five- and six-year-olds actually spend very little time playing with their siblings. Yet when they do, they enjoy a special kind of experience and familial love that is not available to the only child.

In short, the only child and the widely spaced sibling live in somewhat different environments. I would hesitate to say which is better, but perhaps it is enough to observe that either environment seems capable of providing a child with everything he or she needs for excellent development ...

* 'Among the hundreds of questions that have been addressed to me since the publication of The First Three Years of life, the most common concerns this particular situation. As I've said (in that book and this one), there really is no way to eliminate the difficulties associated with the situation. All you can hope to do is keep the problems within reasonable limits." From the book, A PARENTS GUIDE TO THE FIRST THREE YEARS by Burton L White ¸ 1980 Burton L White. Published by Prentice-Hall, Inc. Englewood Cliffs, N.J. 07632. Dr. White's best known book. THE FIRST THREE YEARS OF LIFE. (referred to above), was first published by Prentice-Hall in 1975. Dr. White's latest book THE NEW FIRST THREE YEARS OF LIFE, ISBN 0-684-80419-0, was released this year 10 very flattering reviews. '~..If reading Spock~ Leach or Brazelton is chatting with experts over coffee, reading White is like having a professional consultation (Publishers Weekly)