BDSM Beginners Kit
Views on Mistakes for Newbies
The number one mistake I see those new to D/s making is thinking there is a
right and a wrong way to go about playing. While there are some safety rules
that should be followed, the only people who make the rules are the ones
involved in the scene or relationship. If anyone else tells you that you are
doing this wrong, tell them to mind their own business.
Another common mistake is rushing into things. I know that after years and
years of supressing this desire it is very hard to take it slow when you
finally find out you aren't the only one that gets turned on by bondage. But,
rushing to dominate or submit to another without taking the time to get to
know some skills, and each other, is a recipe for pain...that is the bad
kind, not the good. When you first get started, take the time to read the
literature, join a local organization, and get to know the person you will be
playing with.
A mistake I often see new subs make is submitting to anyone and everyone who
calls themselves a dominant. Just because someone sticks "Master" or "Dom" in
their screen name, doesn't mean you have to call them "sir" or submit to
their demands. For the most part, a reputable, experienced dominant knows
this and will not demand unearned respect. New dominants are sometimes guilty
of this. If someone hasn't earned your respect, why would you act like they
have?
Another mistake inexperienced subs often making is in setting limits. Some
make too many limits, and this will sometimes frustrate or scare off the
dominant. Much more common is a new sub setting too few limits. They feel
they will not be desirable or "sub" enough if they have limits. Take some
time to think about what truly squicks you...what you do *not* under any
circumstances want to experience at present, and make this act a limit. If a
potential Dom won't agree to a certain limit, walk away. Of course, your
limits will change as you become more experienced. What you won't submit to
this year, you may crave the next.
Something else I have seen is the "Dom is always right" syndrome. The joke is
there are two rules in D/s. The first is "The Dom is always right". The
second is "If the Dom is wrong, refer to rule number 1". That's what it is,
too...just a joke. Doms are human and are sometimes wrong. It isn't a sin
against the D/s God to respectfully suggest to your Dom that he may be
wrong...especially if it involves a safety issue. Just because you are a sub
doesn't mean you check your brain at the door. If you are the Dominant and
make a mistake, don't be afraid to admit it and apologize. It won't make you
any less "Dommly".
Finally, many newbies think that the Dom's pleasure is the only thing that
matters. Sure, as a sub it is your job to please your Dom. But it should
please you as a sub, also. We play these games to make everyone happy. While
there may be times you do something to please your Dom that you don't enjoy,
if you find yourself doing this consistently you are probably with the wrong
partner.
K, newbie-friend with 8 days to go :>>>
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