BDSM Beginners Kit
Another View on D/s
Subj: Re:ok...ok...ok...
Date: 97-03-28 02:13:11 EDT
From: Lordwolf00
Blueye2323 writes:
<<Fine I see your points...I'm willing to listen....just answer me this
one question (for now...might be others to follow)....Bondage IS tying
someone up, and having sex...or hurting them by hitting them with
whips...what is it?>>
Greetings all,
Been away on business, but I am back. I am very pleased to see the board
thrive, even with the occasional nutty post ::smile:;; . So this
question Caught my eye as it were, I equate "Bondage" as a term involved
in BDSM in gerneral, The last sentence disturbed me a Bit i.e.<.or
hurting them by hitting them with whips...>> as most in the Bdsm
lifestyle and the sub groups ( is that a pun?) D/s and S/M use Bondage
in their "play" I think I should state that Most do not "hurt" as a
focus, Quite the opposite actually.
Sensation Play ( a nice word for pain) is practiced for the pleasure of
Both partys in this Dynamic At least for most, for clarification I say
most because some self professed "sadists" believe only in their
Pleasure , BUT the Bottom in these relationships ARE in it because it is
something they wish and enjoy.
For information Purposes I will follow this Post with a Honestly LONG
Ideal of My opinion of what a Dominant/Top should strive to be, Though
as a disclaimer this is MY ideal and By no Means do I feel anyone HAS to
follow my path.
The reasoning Behind posting this here is of course to Show a Few of the
novices that this Lifestyle is by no means a "Please me and who cares
for the Submissive" Ideal. In fact it is the Dominant that strives to be
as perfected in His/Her art as Possible, and Takes great pride in the
fact that He/She can bring a Large amount of pleasure to his Charge.
Remember , BDSM, D/s, S/m, Bondage and disipline and even Bondage alone
all include a sence of "Power Exchange", and the key word is "EXCHANGE".
This is an exchange of Pleasure as well as Power
SSC&F = Safe,Sane,Consensual And FUN
Lord Wolf
Subj: What is a "Good" Dominant
Date: 97-03-28 02:14:57 EDT
From: Lordwolf00
A man once asked Mozart how to write a symphony. Mozart told him to
study at the conservatory for six or eight years, then apprentice with a
composer for four or five more years, then begin writing a few sonatas,
pieces for string quartets, piano concertos, etc. and in another four or
five years he would be ready to try a full symphony. The man said, "But
Mozart, didn't your write a symphony at age eight?" Mozart replied,
"Yes, but I didn't have to ask how."
::Smile:: Quite a Quote and one you may hear from a Dominant, Yes we are
born this way, But we all have to start somewhere, learning is the most
important skill for a Dominant without it we fail to be a "Good"
Dominant.
So what is a Good Dominant?
A few personal speculations about the lifestyle and those who
participate in it...what follows is my opinion and in no way states Mine
is the only path to follow, there are many differing opinions out there
and I suggest you seek them all. I use the male pronoun as I am MALE
though a Dom or Domme is male or female.
What should a Dominant be? The question can only be answered
individually, by both submissives and Dominants alike. But here is my
rendition of what a Dominant should be.
The Dominant should be in control of himself first and foremost, He is
confident, caring, and understanding, He does not allow ego to get in
the way of learning, both about himself and his submissive, he knows how
to love , And how to cherish the gift given to him.
When the Dominant meets a new submissive He is kind and guiding without
demanding ritual of Her, He does not demand respect, he earns it, He
explores her mind first, learning her strengths, He does not seek to
seduce her , but gets to know her as a person first, building a
relationship, slowly discovering if there is to be one.
If He is a Good Dominant he does not do this to gain another submissive,
but because he is able to befriend someone, without the trappings of
sexuality, He is not a predator, but a teacher, willing to pass his
knowledge with little or no reward, but the pleasure of knowing he can ,
and the satisfaction of helping someone define their own path.
If the time comes when she offers herself to His service, The Dominant
is the first to question her decision, to ask her to look into herself
and discover if He is what she really wants, He is the first to mention
Safety, to volunteer References, and to tell her to seek more, He
supports safe calls and public meetings first, her safety is foremost in
His mind at this beginning.
If He decides to take the submissive into service, he is the first to
mention negotiation, to offer his own personal information , He realizes
the danger she could be placed in the wrong hands, and seeks to Guide
her in protecting herself, He does not dismiss her worries , for he
knows her risks are all to real.
He Knows his safety also depends on Honesty, on communication, He is at
first only as protective of himself he needs to need be, But open and
Honest about his life, tastes, what he expects, he knows that she will
be taking a leap of faith, and is supportive of her.
To possess her he Knows he must first earns her respect, to do this He
must prove he is what he says he is, that he cares for her, that he
would push her limits only to build her strengths, that he is willing to
spend the time to learn her as a Person first, then as a submissive , He
knows how wonderful this gift is that she offers, and is willing to live
up to her trust in him.
To this end , He talks with her , learning her secret needs and desires,
and in turn expressing his own, always ready to affirm her worth, to him
,and to herself , increasing her confidence in herself , and in the gift
she gives, gently pushing her limits to show her she can be more than
she feels she is , that she can go farther than she ever thought
possible, Slowly opening the flower of her submission , coaxing her
passion for him into full bloom.
If she lacks self esteem he shows her he respects her, and finds her
worthwhile to devote his time to, He shows her she has beauty in his
eyes , thus she is beautiful, He focuses on her strengths, to show her
of her own power, He softly explains that the gift she gives is the most
wonderful gift of all, Herself
He takes the time to learn her Soul, before thinking of learning her
body, as the Dominant learns his new submissive, a connection takes
place. allowing Him to sense her desires, her needs, her passions. With
this new knowledge, the Dominant is able to take his Submissive to new
heights of pleasure, to guide her , walk with her as they, together seek
new levels of love and fulfillment.
In taking a submissive into his service the Dominant takes on many
responcabilitys, He pledges to Help Guide her in her path, not only in
the bedroom, but in life, He pledges to be there for her when she needs
Him , to care for her , ease her pain when she is depressed, comfort her
when she is ill, assist her in overcoming her fears and worries, to hold
and Love her when she needs affection.
He does this Because he can , for this is his gift to her, Her gift
given willingly , his returned with joy, He seeks to understand her mind,
to gaze into her soul, because only then can the two become more than
each can be as individuals. she is his most precious possession and he
strives to prove his love, much the way she will ,everyday.
The Dominant does not seek to change His submissive into what he wants,
but revels in the chance to show her what she can become, He enjoys
showing her those strengths she already possesses, and guides her only,
helping her to grow into the person she wishes to be, coaxing her into
finding her own path, but never stating outright what that path should
be, although once found, He will keep her to her task, gently pushing
her to become the woman He Knows she can be.
Is there a profile of the perfect Dominant? I think not , perfection is
something we all strive to obtain , but never reach, it is the struggle
to find perfection that makes a Good Dominant. There is no one
description of a Good Dominant, Beauty is in the eye of the beholder ,
so no viewpoint is wrong, merely different, all that can be said is that
a Good Dominant should have Good qualities, that include Strength,
ability, confidence, control, the ability to learn and the presence of
mind to know that he can always learn more. He should be Loving ,
encouraging, Honorable and chivalrous, he should respect and cherish
women and show the respect to others that he himself wishes to be shown.
The Dominant should be sure of himself , and in that confidence not
think that to build himself he must look down at others, he should be
sure of his Ideals, but not so sure that His way is the only Path, he
can allow others to follow their own paths, no matter how different,
without ridicule, If he witness's a wrong he seeks to right it, But
without pressing the view that his way is the only one, only expressing
the danger of anothers action or offering his assistance to help guide
them out of danger.
He knows the difference between Punishment and play, Between Pain and
Sensation He never exerts his power in anger, He never brings anger and
hostility into a Scene, He does not use this gift to vent his anger, but
leaves outside concerns outside, He knows that to control others he must
first master himself.
He can exorcise his art to help his submissive become the woman she has
always been, deep within her spirit. He takes her gift of submission
seriously, knowing that it is not given blindly or lightly. He always
remembers how precious the gift is, how rare it is, how beautiful it is.
For she has given him something that cannot be taken, but must be given,
the gift of herself ,her soul, and the Dominant should cherish that
Gift, as the rare jewel it is.
The submissive should be firm in her femininity, She offers herself to
the Dominant freely, of her own choosing. She gives the gift of her
submission in exchange for his love, care, Knowledge and protection. She
obeys because she chooses to , not because she is forced to .
She comes to him a woman, but unsure of her role. seeking His guidance,
quick learn what is expected of her. With this learning, and as he opens
Himself to her, she begins to give more of herself, of her soul, her
secrets , until all the two can share is learned , Building their
relationship ,sharing their secrets and souls, so they may walk this
path together.
There is no power lost, no control wrested from her, she gives
willingly, the Dominant giving of himself until An immense measure of
trust is built between the two, the sub must trust her Dominant
completely in order to give him so much of herself ,and the Dominant
must trust the sub in order for him to accept her and her gift.
"Training" (just another word for teaching) is only the process of
learning what the Dominant desires. The sub must learn when to kneel,
how to sit to please her Dominant , how to address her Dominant , and so
on , She does these things because she wishes to, she wish is to please
her Dominant in all ways possible. Even the most "bratty" submissive
comes to know just what is expected of her and what her Dominant's
limits are.
It is said that the Dominant holds all of the control, and in some ways
he does, but this is a consensual relationship, The dominant holds
control , only as far as the Submissive is willing to go, He may Push
her limits, But for the pleasure of both, the Submissive can walk away
at anytime, hard as that maybe , If the Dominant loses sight of her
needs.
It is said that the submissive has no responsibilities, but a deeper
observation shows otherwise. It has been said by many, that the Dominant
holds all the responsibilities; however, many of the submissives
responsibilities are so subtle as to be overlooked. She must please her
Dominant , She must act as He would wish, as her every action reflects
on Her Dominant, She must uphold his Honor, as He Must Uphold hers and
protect her.
She must have Faith and Trust in her Dominant, Just as he must prove her
trust well founded, She needs the strength of will to Know when Her
Dominant is acting in Her best interests, and be willing , without
embarrassment, to Do as he asks her within her limits ,because that is
what her Dominant wants, and what she wishes, to please him she would do
that which seems Difficult and even embarrassing at the time, She must
not Follow blindly, But see that what her Dominant asks of her is for
the pleasure of them both.
At times the Dominant may understand that the sub can go farther that
she thought, and with the use of safewords, he is able to take her
there. For the beginning of all relationships it is most important to
abide by the perceived limits, it must be taken slowly, Because, If a
safeword is used and the Dominant does not heed the sub's perceived
limit, then an important trust is broken.
The use of safewords should be stressed in any new relationship so that
the trust and understanding are able to grow. With time and
understanding , however, the two can reach a point where the Dominant
knows how far the sub can go physically, emotionally, and spiritually
and the sub can come to trust her Dominant's decisions.
Even then a Safeword is still an important safety net, It can be dropped
in session, But a worthy Dominant Still holds the value of using
safewords in new and uncharted territory, even in a Long standing and
trusting relationship, The caring Dominant Knows he cannot read minds,
even if he knows His submissive extremely well.
The submissive has a wonderful role to live with the right Dominant .
With him, she will grow emotionally and spiritually into what she wishes
to become , learn to love freely and unconditionally and find the true
power deep within her. The Dominant also becomes the man he feels within
his soul , proud to be able to walk the honorable path of Teacher, Poet,
Warrior and Protector , Proud of his charge and the pleasure she brings
him , together the two will embark on a journey that will take them out
of the realms and limits of society and into the timeless dimensions of
the Universe.
LordWolf00 1995
Just A bit ::smile:: of thought on what some refure to as a "Lovestyle"
I think the term fits, dont you?
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