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BDSM Beginners Kit
Safety Tips 101
Class #1 - Online D/s
Even in our little AOL world, there is danger. For all new Doms and subs
alike, here are a few standard rules to make your transition into online
D/s a safer, happier one.
- You do not have to answer ever IM (Instant Message) that you get.
Should you get one that is vulgar, rude or harassing, simply use the
cancel button, or send it to TOS (Terms of Service). Even if you are a
new sub and the IM is from an "online Dominant", no one has to take
abuse.
- Do some reading ! The fact that you're here in IMH is a good start !
But there are many good books about D/s on the market. Doing your
homework can really pay off.
- When you make your first few forays into the chat rooms, don't
announce in the open room who you are and what you're looking for. That
is a magnet for anyone out there looking for quick and easy cyber-sex.
If you're seriously looking for friends, contacts and possible partners,
be discreet. Read profiles. IM respectfully to people who interest you.
Make polite conversation in the room. Show respect, and you'll earn it
in kind.
- NEVER give your real name, phone number, credit card information ro
any other personal information to ANYONE you've just begun to talk to
online. Get to know someone over time before revealing anything of
importance !! First names are sufficient in the beginning.
- When approached by a potential partner, ask questions !! Get to know
the person as well as online will allow, and then very discreetly, ask
around for references about that person. Please heed any warnings you
may receive about an individual, but be sure you ask for more than one
opinion. If you cannot find anyone online who will vouch for this
potential partner either way, please proceed very slowly. Remember that
online is no different than real life. Make them earn your trust.
- Always be aware that this forum of communication harbors unsavory
characters, just as any other. And also be aware that people may not
always be who they appear, or claim to be. If you proceed at a cautious
rate, you'll save yourself some possible heartache down the road.
- PHONE CALLS: If someone wishes to speak with you, and you aren't
entirely trusting of the yet, offer to call them instead of giving your
number out. You can disable any possible Called-ID function they have by
punching in the disable code (check your phone book information pages,
or call your phone company). Keep your first conversation brief and
friendly. If you still harbor doubts at the end of this, continue to
call them. Never go against your instincts - they are your most valuable
resource. If they demand' your number and you've respectfully and
repeatedly told them no, perhaps it's time to close that particular
door.
- Even if you live close to someone you meet online, it's not a good
idea to move into meeting them too quickly. Take your time in getting to
know them, speak several times on the phone, and if you do' agree to
meet, set it up at a public place, and take a friend along. A serious
potential partner won't mind.
Class #2 - First Time Meetings
There are many ways to meet potential D/s partners. AOL and classified
ads are only two of these ways. First time meetings always require a
little extra security and safety. Here are some simple rules for those
awkward first encounters.
- Always set the meeting up well in advance, so that you have time to
arrange a sufficient safety net. (This goes for Doms and subs alike.) If
you are traveling, make reservations at a motel, but do NOT let the
person you're meeting know where you'll be staying.
- Arrange to meet for the first time during the daylight hours in a
public place, such as a mall or a restaurant. Always park your car a
distance away, so that if the meeting goes badly, you cannot be followed
away. Another good idea is to take a cab to this first meeting.
- Do not plan to play' during your initial meeting. You should have
plenty to discuss, without sex or D/s play entering into the equation.
- Think about taking along a friend. A serious potential partner won't
feel intimidated.
- SAFE CALLS: There are many ideas out there about how safe calls
should be done, but I'll only offer you my humble opinion, and what has
worked for me in the past. Let 2 friends, preferably local to where
you'll be meeting, know your complete schedule. Give them the full name
of the person you'll be meeting, their phone number and a brief physical
description. You can even go so far as to give them the make, model and
plate number of the car your date' will be driving. Make sure that your
friends have an accurate description of you, as well, and the phone
number of the local police. Arrange to call these 2 friends immediately
after you've met your date'. Give them a key word' beforehand, that you
can say if you need to get away from your date' - for example, you could
say that everything is great' if you need help, or that everything is
wonderful' if you're okay. Your safe calls should arrange to come get
you, or give you some sort of out' if you use your keyword. If you'll be
spending more than a few hours with your date', it's a good idea to call
your safe calls every few hours, at least at first.
- Be honest with your date. If you feel, after this first meeting, that
this person is not someone you want to be involved with, be honest and
up-front about that. It's not necessarily a good idea to do this at your
first meeting. Go home, sleep on it. And then arrange to speak to this
person the next day. Remember, your instincts are your most valuable
resource.
- Have a good time. Be yourself. But most importantly, be SAFE and be
HONEST - with your date, and with yourself.
Screamer, who's been there and done this, and knows these rules help a
lot.
Class #3 - First Scene Safety
It's always a good idea to get to know someone very well before
committing yourself to play' time. It's also a good idea to think long
and hard about what you expect, and then lay that out for the other
person clearly beforehand. It's also a good idea to list out your limits
(yes, Doms have limits,too !!) And exchange them well in advance of your
first scene.
- SAFE CALLS: See Item #5 from Lesson #2. If you plan to play at your
new partner's home, make sure your safe call has the address, the phone
number and a clear map and directions to the home. If you plan to play
at your home, do NOT turn off your phone, and make sure you have the
number of the ambulance, local police and a contact posted by each
phone, in case of any emergency. Secure any valuables before your
partner arrives. If you plan to play at a motel, or a third parties's
home, make sure your safe call knows exactly where you'll be. If in a
motel, make sure they have the room number, and the name the room is
registered under. It's also a good idea to keep your keys and purse or
wallet by the door, so you can grab them quickly if need be.
- It's a good idea to keep your first scene light. I do not recommend
bondage, gags or extreme pain for your first scene with a new partner.
There's plenty of other activities you can use to get to know each
other's likes and dislikes. Besides, if it works out, you'll want to
save something for later <g>
- SAFEWORDS: You should chose and discuss safewords and/or actions well
in advance of your first meeting. My recommendations are something very
simple, such as yellow' for slow down, and red' for stop. Never play
around with these words - they are your protection, and your safety net,
and should only be used when you mean them.
- SAFE SEX: I don't think anyone needs to be reminded about this, but
I'll throw it in anyway. Both parties should posses condoms, in case one
forgets. It only takes a few seconds to slip on a condom. It's takes a
long and painful time to die of AIDS.
- If, at any point, either party is feeling uncomfortable, S T O P!!!!!
Dress. Talk. And then talk some more. It takes a lot of trust to
have a meaningful D/s relationship. Take the time to build that
foundation.
Class #4 - Emotional Safety
No, pain is not all physical. Sometimes, it's in your head and your
heart as well, and sometimes, those scars are the hardest to heal. Here
are some tips to lessen your chances of getting them in the first place.
- Be honest. With yourself. With prospective partners. Never be ashamed
to admit you don't know something, or to ask questions. If you're
looking for 24/7, don't tell someone you only want to play. If you're
looking for love and romance, be up-front about it. If you are dishonest
about what you want, it's not only you who could get hurt in the long
run.
- Never reveal too much about your personal life to anyone on-line.
There are too many people who'll use your heartaches and problems for
hot IM gossip.
- If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Your instincts,
once again, are your greatest gift and resource. Use them, and listen to
them.
- Heed warnings. If you're told by more than one person that a
prospective partner could be trouble, LISTEN. Take into account that
it's someone else's opinion of someone you're getting to know, but
always listen, and openly ask your partner about what you hear.
Ultimately, it's up to you to decide if you believe everything you hear,
but always hear what someone is trying to tell you, and always, check it
out.
- If a prospective partner asks you not to ask anyone else online about
them, ask yourself why. Then ask them why. And if you can't come up with
any satisfactory answers, either walk away, or proceed with EXTREME
caution.
- If a prospective partner is hesitant with personal information after
you've already given yours, then take it as a warning. FIND OUT WHY.
- Don't get dragged into online gossip. It may be fun for awhile, but
eventually it will only come back to haunt you. There are people online
who have nothing better to do. Don't become one of them.
- Think for yourself. Trust yourself. Be honest with yourself. And
above all, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
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