BDSM Basics
This writing is not meant to be a guide or a handbook, but more of an understanding of a lifestyle. One of love between two consenting adults. Although sex does occur in these life styles this writing is more of an explanation of the lifestyles and not a sexual guide.
D/s and B&D are terms most often used in society today. They are distinctly different in that D/s stands for Domination and submissiveness while B&D stands for Bondage and Discipline. These are two distinctly different life styles. The terms are not interchangeable, yet one lifestyle may lead into the other, depending upon the limits agreed upon by both consenting parties. As the relationship continues the limits may be expanded by both parties and therefore lead from one lifestyle in to the next.
These life styles might better be referred to as an alternative relationship. It is a form of love in which one controls and the other surrenders willingly, not forcefully.
First some terminology is necessary:
Dominant one - a Master or Mistress - The controlling person.
Submissive one (Sub) - The one who chooses to serve (Male or Female).
Slave - The term for the submissive one in the B&D scene.
Dom or Domme - The teacher, one who teaches Submissives, Masters and Mistresses. Someone who either by training or experience is respected by all other Masters and Mistresses to be a teacher.
Floating - The state where the submissive one relinquishes all control to the dominant one and simply put, floats on a cloud. The reaching a total state of euphoria.
Although a Dom or Domme can be a Master or Mistress, Masters and Mistresses and not normally Dom's or Dommes. If the Dom or Domme chooses to accept a Submissive one for their own, they then become the Master or Mistress to that one.
The major differences in the two life styles is that of pain and humiliation. In the D/s scene control by use of pain or humiliation never occurs. The control is relinquished by the submissive willingly to the Dominant one. The Dominant one controls by voice and minor punishment, In the B&D scene punishment is more sever.
Punishment is given for misdeeds or failure to obey, warmth is give for obeying. One must remember this is a game of love, and that love must be shown at all times, even during the act of punishment.
When one speaks of punishment, one must also speak of limits. Limits are agreed upon prior to the start of any part of this lifestyle. These limits must be adhered to by all parties involved. The submissive one submitted and trusted the Dominant one based upon trust that these limits will not be exceeded. They must never be exceeded under any circumstances, without first discussing that between the two parties. Mutual respect and trust is of the upmost in this life style.
When mutual trust disappears, the parties should dissolve the relationship immediately, or someone may get hurt. At any given time either party may dissolve this relationship.
Many Masters/Mistresses are good teachers and can teach their submissive one on their own. But in many cases Submissive ones and Masters/Mistress choose to have a Dom or Domme teach them. They may or may not choose to serve that Dom or Domme in any other capacity except that as a teacher. The can go on to find a Master/Mistress to serve, be chosen by the Dom/Domme to serve or stay as free Submissives with no one to serve.
In the true sense of this life style a Dom or Domme is the teacher. The one who leads others in this life style, he or she is looked up to and respected by Masters and Mistresses alike.
In all cases the Dom/Domme and the Masters/Mistresses are responsible for the protection and safety of the submissive ones. They must honor and cherish them as much as they are cherished by them. Love and respect reins above all in these relationships.
The use of safe words comes into play at this point. When the safe word is used the action stops immediately and the action is discussed. Under no circumstances can the action continue unless mutually agreed upon. Should the action continue with out the permission of the other then it is no longer a loving relationship but one of force.
Many use a safe word of choice. Those of the old school do not use a chosen safe word, when a submissive is under stress for any reason, it is difficult to remember a particular word. In the old school the submissive one simply uses the common name of the Dom/Domme or Master/Mistress.
Although the submissive one relinquishes control to the dominant one, the dominant one must continue to earn the respect and trust of the submissive one. Arbitrary punishment will cause the loss of respect and trust. And the lack of rewards will also loose that reward of trust.
As with any good lover the dominant one should show warmth and love always, even when issuing punishment. The dominant one must be in tune with the submissive one at all times, making sure that he/she is aware that he/she is the prime source of pleasure.
Remember that the ultimate goal of this life style is the pleasure the submissive one attains when they reach the state of Floating. But not only does the submissive one Float, but so does the Dominant one Float with him/her. The dominant one basks in the glory of the submissive one.
A good Dom/Domme gives a gift of love to the submissive one, one that he/she can share with their chosen one. They teach the submissive one that if control is relinquished they can attain a state of euphoria. It is a gift that the submissive one will cherish for life.
Whether the D/s or the B&D scene is chosen by the submissive one, their safety and protection is always the mainstay of game. Remember that this is a game of love.