Never a Happy Ending

 

Jaime: so, what are we going to do today?

Lucy: I don’t know?

Laura: Holy Fudge! Let’s go annoy Chris!

Jenn: I still can’t get over him and Ruby moon in the storage closet!

Lauren: Me neither!

Everyone: LOL!

Danielle: Yea, let’s go!

At Chris’s House

Ding Dong

Chris: Yea? Oh, thank god! Get in here!

Whack!

Lauren whacks Chris on the head with her flute.

Chris: oww…

Jaime: What’s wrong?

Chris: Ruby moon keeps calling me. She won’t leave me the hell alone!

Laura: Let’s go to the park then.

Danielle: Nah, let’s go get something to eat I’m starved!

Lucy: Yea, me too.

At the Restaurant

Waitress: How may I help you?

Chris: Your voice sounds sooo familiar.

Waitress: Oh, really?

 Jaime: yeah, it does.

Waitress: oh well maybe you’ve had me as a waitress before.

Chris: Yea, maybe.

….

Waitress: here are your drinks.

The Waitress winks at Chris as she hands him her drink.

Chris: Did you see that?

Danielle: What?

Chris: She just winked at me.

Jenn: looks like Chris has another girlfriend.

Everyone: LOL!

Chris: Shut up!

Chris takes a sip of his drink.

Chris: hmmm my drink tastes funny.

Lucy: stop being a baby and drink the damn thing!

Chris drinks the whole glass in one sip.

Lauren: Whoa!

Chris: HICCUP!

Laura: hahahahaha! You’ve got hiccups!

Chris: Shut HICCUP up!

Everyone: LOL!

In back of restaurant

Waitress: Ha, he took the bait!  Everything is going according to plan.

Waitress: He’ll never know what hit him.  When he’s drunk enough to execute the plan I’m going in…

Back at the Table

Laura (whispering to Jenn): What’s wrong with Chris?

Jenn: I don’t know.

Danielle: He’s acting like he’s high.

Jaime: uh Chris? Are you…ok?

Chris: Perfect, just great, I feel kinda hyper right now, Wahoo! Can I have more of uh, this stuff here?

Chris shakes the glass and the ice rattles at the bottom.

Jaime: Oh no!

Laura: what?

Jaime: Chris is drunk!

Lauren: but, how?

Lucy: Chris you retard!

Jaime: no it’s not his fault!

Jenn: huh?

Danielle: Jaime, What the hell are you trying to tell us?

Jaime: Somebody restrain him, (Chris was trying to jump on to the “chandelier” that wasn’t there)

Waitress: Hi, you guys need anything else? More drinks perhaps?

Jaime: You sick bastard! Outside, Now!

Danielle: Jaime, what the hell?

Waitress: (starts to sweat.) Uh…okay, you have a problem with the food?

Jaime: Yea, I have a problem!  Be right back guys.

Lucy: She’s snapped.

Laura: definitely

Danielle: wait guys, maybe Jaime’s on to something here.

Jenn: Your right there definitely is something a little funny about that waitress. Hey, where’s Chris?

…

Waitress: so uh, what’s up?

Jaime: you know very well what’s up, Ruby moon.

Waitress: how, how.

Jaime: I’m not stupid. I-

Ruby moon hit’s Jaime on the head with a rock.

Jaime: ow! What am I doing out here?

Waitress: Don’t know?

Jaime: hmmmm… (Walks back in the restaurant)

Lauren: So what was it you wanted to tell us?

Jaime: (rubbing her head) I think I hit my head on something because my head really hurts all a sudden.

Jenn: this is freaky.

Danielle: let’s go find Chris.

Everyone else: yea.

1 hour later…

Danielle: where is he?

Lucy: I can’t find him; I hope he’s not driving!

Jenn: hahaha, that’s not funny.

Lucy: but you-

Jaime: OMG! I remember now!

Laura: what?

Jaime: Oh no, Chris is in a lot of trouble!

…

Chris: So, Ruby, where we goin’? (All drunk like)

 Ruby Moon: Vegas.

Chris: Cool! Why are we goin’ to Vegas?

Ruby Moon: here, drink this. (Gives Chris more Vodka)

Chris: okily dokily!

In Vegas

Alter Guy: And do you Chris take Ruby moon to be your lawful wedded wife, for ever and ever, and never be able to annul or divorce her? (Thinking to himself: What kind of marriage is this?)

Chris: I sure do! Hiccup!

Alter Guy: I now pronounce you Husband and uh, Wife, thing, yea. You may now kiss the, whatever.

Ruby moon and Chris kiss passionately. (Awwww, don’t they make the perfect couple! Chris deserves this for making us lose!)

…

Danielle: OMG! You mean Ruby moon got him drunk!

Lucy: hahahahaha! Poor Chris!

Jenn: what is she going to do to him?

Jaime: in don’t know? Maybe ra-

Lucy: Jaime! There may be little kids reading this!

Jaime: Screw you Lucy, Screw you!

Lucy: Good one Jaime, good one!

Lauren: Stop! We need to find Chris!

Laura: Yea we don’t want him to lose his virginity!

Everyone: LOL!

Danielle: well, what are we gonna do? She’ll have to bring him back.

Jaime: yea, let’s just go home.

The next Day…

Chris: whoa, where am I?

Chris Looks around and he’s in Ruby moons apartment.

Chris: oh no, what did I do!

Ruby moon is lying next to him.

Chris: eeeewwwww! (Falls off the bed)

Ruby moon: good morning darling.

Chris: did I? Did we?

Ruby moon: no.  Looking forward to it?

Chris: I-I got to go.

Ruby moon: oh, I took the Liberty of moving all your stuff here.

Chris: why?

Ruby moon: silly, we’re a married couple now!

Chris: wha, wha,

Ruby Moon holds up her hand and it has an onion ring on her ring finger.

Ruby moon: like the engagement ring? We made it together last night.

Chris: right…

Ruby moon grabs Chris by the shirt collar and drags him close to her face.

Ruby moon: are you ready?

Chris: I-I-I-

Ruby moon: shhhhhhhhhh….

Chris and Ruby moon start to make out.  Ruby moon starts to unbutton Chris’s jeans.

Chris: stop.

Ruby moon: fine! You know, you were more fun when you were drunk.

Chris: exactly what did we do?

Ruby moon starts to eat the onion ring off her finger.

Ruby moon: wow, I guess I didn’t realize exactly how much Vodka I did give you.

Chris: THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!!

Ruby moon: you think you volunteered?

Chris: I’m outta here!

Ruby moon: k see you later baby! Grrrrraaaaaawwwwwl!

Chris: right.

Chris runs out of the house down to the church.

Chris: I’d like to get an anullment, please.

Priest: oh I’m sorry, you signed a non anullment or divorce agreement.

Chris: WHAT! God dammit! I was Drunk!

Priest: How dare you say the lord‘s name in vain! But I forgive you, I’m sorry son. You’re stuck with her, it’s Vegas rules man.

Chris: .:sigh:. So I can’t get a divorce either?

Priest: nope, sorry.

Chris walks home and takes a nap.

Baby: wah wah wahhhhhh!

Chris: huh?

Chris sees a crib in the living room.

Chris: OMG! How could this have happened?

Ruby moon: I dunno?

Chris: You told me nothing happened!

Ruby moon: Nothing did.

Chris: than how did you have a baby and how did it come so soon!

Ruby moon: I said I didn’t know. I’m not human you know.

Chris walks over to the crib and looks at the baby.

Chris: We had a baby boy!

Ruby moon: no, that’s just the umbilical cord.

Chris: o, well I feel stupid.

Chris picks up the baby and it throws up on him.

Chris: why is this happening to me?

Ruby moon: it’s not.

Chris: huh? Hey where’d the baby go? Where are we?

Chris looks around and they’re in a dark room with a bed.

Ruby moon: You’re dreaming you moron!

Chris: huh?

Ruby moon: this isn’t real you’re dreaming.

Chris: really? Wait a minute, I’m not falling for this, this is some kind of trick to get me to sleep with you, and well I won’t!

Ruby moon: I don’t want to sleep with you, at least not yet. I just want to reach third base, at least.

Chris: that’s it? No wait what am I saying. If this really is a dream then we can’t really do it anyway.

Ruby moon: well you maybe sleeping but I’m not.

Chris: huh?

Ruby moon: you were talking in your sleep so I decided to talk to you and you started answering me.

Chris: oh. Than I can wake up now?

Ruby moon: sure. Will you promise to at least go to second with me?

Chris: fine if you’ll leave me alone after.

Chris wakes up to find Ruby moon already on top of him.

Chris: let’s get this over with.

Ruby moon and Chris start to make out.

…

Chris: well, that was fun.

Ruby moon: yea, next time I get to go to third.

Chris: fine. Next Time!

Ruby moon: I love you Chris.

Chris: uh yeah, well uh I gotta go out for a little while. Be back later, k?

Ruby moon: okay.

…

Jaime: Chris where have you been? What did she do to you?

Chris: She got me drunk and…

Lucy: No Shit, Chris!

Chris: anyway, we got married and…

Jenn: well, get an annulment.

Lauren: why can’t he just get divorced?

Jenn: because it’s technically against the Catholic Religion.

Chris: because when I was drunk, I signed a contract saying I couldn’t get an annulment or divorce.

Danielle: You’re screwed!

Lauren: You are so stupid Chris I just want to laugh at you right now.

Chris: Shut Up! This is a disaster!

Laura: calm down Chris, we’ll help you!

Danielle: excuse me? Why should we help him? After he made us LOSE in the last battle!

Jaime: that word makes me shutter!

Jenn: man Chris, you are screwed. Is there anyway you can make her want to get an annulment?

Chris: That’s it Jenn! Oh thank you thank you, thank you!!!

Chris hugs Jenn

Jenn: GET OFF!!

Chris: sorry. ^0^;

Lucy: what’d you help him for!

Jenn: it slipped!

Jaime: might as well help him.

Laura: what should we do?

Jaime: I got an idea! Come here.

….

RING RING!

Ruby moon: Chris Darling?

X: NO! Meet me at the movie theater down on Park. At 8:00. Don’t be late. I have some info on your precious Chrissie.

CLICK!

Ruby moon: oh my, I hope he’s not in any trouble!

…

Chris: this better work! My dignity’s at stake!

Lauren: don’t worry Chris; it’s a good plan!

Lucy: yea! You’re lucky you have such great friends like us!

Everyone: LOL!

Chris: YEA! RIGHT!

Danielle: we don’t have to help you, you know!

Jaime: Good luck Chris, Sailor Venus is here!

Laura: now don’t forget the plan now!

Chris: ok

Sailor V.: so, you wanted to see me?

Lucy: CAW CAW CAW!

Sailor V.: what was that?

Bush: snicker snicker…

Chris: oh nothing! (kicks the bush)

Bush: ow!

Danielle: Jaime, Shut up!

Chris looks and sees Ruby moon standing in the parking lot.

Chris kisses Sailor V. passionately and Ruby moon sees it all.

Sailor V.: oh, so you wanted to make out did you?

Sailor V. and Chris start to make out against the wall of the movie theater.

Lucy pops her head out of the bush and watches Chris And Sailor V. trying to hold her laughter in. Chris kicks her.

Ruby moon: Chris?

Chris: (gasp) Uh Ruby moon, I can explain!

Ruby moon: don’t call me by your little pet names!

Chris: UH, Ruby moon is your real name.

Ruby moon: oh yeah. Anyway, it’s over!

Everyone except Ruby moon and Sailor V.: YEA!!!!!

Ruby Moon: where did you come from? You mean this was all set up?

Jaime: DUH!!

Everyone: LOL!

 

THE END!