Sam storms through the halls, looking furious, attracting many confused glances from those around him.

BONNIE
What�s up with him?

GINGER
He just found out that Steve Irwin won the California 47th.

BONNIE
Crikey.

SPECIAL GUEST STAR MATTHEW PERRY, as Joe Quincy, is working in his �office�. Josh is also there for some unspecified reason. There is a brief period of silence before Josh finally speaks.

JOSH
You know what?

JOE
What?

JOSH
This Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue is a lot nicer than Ainsley�s Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue.

JOE
Ah.

JOSH
I�m just saying...

VOICE THAT SOUNDS VERY MUCH LIKE DONNA�S
Josh, what the hell are you doing down here?

A woman who looks very much like Donna enters.

JOSH
Donna?

WOMAN WHO LOOKS VERY MUCH LIKE DONNA
Yeah?

JOSH
It�s you?

WOMAN WHO LOOKS VERY MUCH LIKE DONNA, MOST LIKELY BECAUSE THAT IS EXACTLY WHO SHE IS
Were you expecting someone else?

JOSH
They told me you were dead!

DONNA
That was almost a whole episode ago, Josh. (off Josh�s confused expression) Oh, my God. Don�t tell me you thought I was gonna stay dead! Think seriously: if, and only if, you managed to avoid getting killed by getting caught under an avalanche of paperwork, you�d probably find yourself married to Amy or some other force of evil within a week.

JOSH
(looking uneasy as he remembers Mary-Sue) Donna...

DONNA
Yes?

JOSH
When you were, you know, dead, Leo hired this woman...

DONNA
Mary-Sue.

JOSH
How did you know?

DONNA
Oh, I saw a group of aides trying to lynch her in the lobby.

JOSH
(shocked) They�re lynching my girlfriend-slash-assistant? And you didn�t do anything about it?!

DONNA
(raises an eyebrow) Josh, think about what you�re saying here.

JOSH
Ah. Point taken.

JOE
So, Josh, here�s the thing I don�t get: You can get away with dating this woman who works for you and who nobody � yourself included � can stand, but you can�t go out with your assistant Donna who you�re obviously crazy about and who obviously returns the feelings, because?

Josh and Donna turn to stare at Joe.

DONNA
What is he doing in here?

JOE
This is my office!

DONNA
Hm. That�s what they all say.

Cut to the Situation Room. Everybody (including Nancy McNally, Admiral Fitzwallace and SPECIAL GUEST STAR MATTHEW PERRY, as Joe Quincy) stands as the President enters the room with Leo. Everybody is looking at Joe a little strangely.

BARTLET
You know, Joe, I�m pretty sure you�re not allowed to be in here.

JOE
I�m pretty sure I�m not, too, sir.

BARTLET
I�m pretty sure we have a sign on the door...

JOE
Yes sir, I saw it.

There is a short silence in which everyone stares at Joe (SPECIAL GUEST STAR MATTHEW PERRY).

BARTLET
So, are you down here for a reason, or...?

JOE
No, no, I�m just standing here, Mr. President.

BARTLET
Right. So, Fitz, what have we got?

FITZ
We�ve got some baddies attacking some goodies, Mr. President.

LEO
Which baddies?

FITZ
I�m sorry?

BARTLET
I think what Leo means is, there are a lot of bad guys on this show, so which ones are the causing problem, now?

FITZ
(surprised) Republicans, sir, naturally.

All eyes on the room turn to Joe.

JOE
What are you all staring at me for? I�m a Republican, not an international terrorist!

LEO
I never realised the two were mutually exclusive.

JOE
Hey!

Everyone continues to stare.

JOE
What?

LEO
Joe, tell us again why you�re in here.

JOE
Hey, I didn�t have anything to do with this... (he stops, realising that nobody has really given any real details on the situation, and is forced to finish off lamely) thing.

Surprise ripples through the room at this. Joe looks around confusedly.

JOE
What is it?

BARTLET
What did you just say?

JOE
Sir, I just... all I said was that I never had anything to do with-

LEO
�-with this thing�.

Everyone eyes him with a new respect.

LEO
(nods) He�s one of us.

JOE
(bewildered) Um, sure.

BARTLET
(returning his attention back to the situation with the... thing) Okay, what have you got for me, Fitz?

FITZ
Mr. President?

BARTLET
Don�t you guys have any, you know, satellite images or anything to show me?

FITZ
Not this time, sir.

BARTLET
How come?

FITZ
Our printers all ran out of ink.

Cut to Toby�s office. Toby watches proudly as two small children proceed to upset every single item on his desk. Andy, CJ, Josh, Sam, Will and Joe (SPECIAL GUEST STAR MATTHEW PERRY) are also present.

TOBY
(proudly) That one�s Molly, and the one smashing all the keys in on my laptop is Huck.

WILL
Don�t you want to take it off him in case he does some- (the laptop crashes to the floor) �damage?

TOBY
(unconcerned) Oh, it�s okay. They�re just playing.

WILL
Um, okay.

TOBY
(his eyes still on the children) They look like their mother.

Everyone looks at him.

TOBY
Well? Don�t they??

SAM
Well, sure, I guess...

JOSH
Of course.

CJ
The spitting image.

TOBY
(watching the two children proudly as they begin to tear up a pile of paperwork) But they�ve got their dad�s eyes, don�t you think?

JOSH
Uh, Toby...

TOBY
What is it?

Josh looks at Will. Will shakes his head; he�s not going to be the one to spill the beans. He looks to CJ, who looks pointedly at Sam. Sam promptly turns to Joe.

JOE
Why me?

Josh, CJ, Will and Sam continue to stare at him.

TOBY
What is it?

CJ
(pointedly) Yes, Joe, why don�t you tell us?

JOE
(clears his throat nervously) Uh, Toby... those aren�t your kids.

TOBY
What do you mean they aren�t my kids? (looks at Andy) What are they talking about? How can they not be my kids?!

JOE
Well, for starters, your children were born a couple of months ago, and these kids are, like, four years old.

TOBY
They�ve gone through a growth spurt.

JOE
Also, Molly and Huck are, you know, a girl and a boy. These two are both girls. And they�re wearing name stickers that say they�re called Gertrude and Serena.

TOBY
(stares at Andy in disbelief) What are you doing, bringing a couple of kids into my office?!

ANDY
You said it was okay!

TOBY
You said it was gonna be the twins!

ANDY
I did not say that, you just assumed it. Besides, you wouldn�t have even known the difference if Joe hadn�t pointed it out to you.

TOBY
(frustrated) Well- just- just... get them off my desk, I�ve got important paperwork and stuff on there, you can�t just let them crawl all over it like-

ANDY
You didn�t seem to mind when you thought they were Molly and Huck.

TOBY
Get them out of here!

Andy shrugs, and complies.

TOBY
(as she exits) And I did not think that they were Molly and Huck.

ANDY
(leaving with the two children) Of course not.

TOBY
I did not think that. I didn�t! I wasn�t fooled for a minute. They weren�t wearing their hats!

Cut to Bartlet, Leo and Joe (SPECIAL GUEST STAR MATTHEW PERRY), in the Oval Office.

BARTLET
...and they�re saying the Majority Leader is holding a class of innocent schoolchildren hostage, while various Republican congressmen engage in a public puppy-butchering session, murdering helpless puppy dogs for the sheer pleasure of it, and anybody who speaks out against them risks having their homes burned to the ground and their families labelled outcast?

LEO
That�s right, Mr. President.

BARTLET
And that doesn�t sound a little... out-of-character to you?

LEO
They�re Republicans. What character?

JOE
Standing right here, you know.

BARTLET
(frowning) Still, I�m sensing some kind of subliminal message in this... (reads back over the report) No; it�s gone now.

There is a knock on the door and Charlie steps in.

BARTLET
Hey, Charlie.

Charlie smiles forlornly and gives a wave.

LEO
What�s wrong with him?

BARTLET
Maxed out on his dialogue limit.

LEO
(disbelieving) Again?

Charlie attempts to mime a response.

LEO
You fell into a sandbox that was filled with cranberry juice?!

Charlie shakes his head.

LEO
The assistants are playing hide and seek in the Roosevelt room?

Charlie sighs, never mind. He then points to the door, indicating that somebody is waiting outside.

BARTLET
Who is it, Charlie?

Charlie mimes his reply. The President, Leo and Joe look at him uncomprehendingly.

BARTLET
Okay, let�s try it this way: Charlie, how many people are there?

Charlie holds up five fingers.

BARTLET
The first person, is it a male?

Charlie nods.

BARTLET
A relative of mine?

He shakes his head.

LEO
A White House staffer?

Another nod.

BARTLET
Older that me?

Charlie just looks at him. Bartlet glares.

BARTLET
No, then.

LEO
Hair?

Charlie mimes a beard.

BARTLET & LEO
Toby!!

Charlie nods.

BARTLET
Okay, the next person-

Charlie sighs and throws open the door, to admit Toby, Sam, Josh, Will and CJ.

BARTLET
Hey, guys. The Republicans are taking out their rage on helpless puppy dogs.

TOBY
And we�re still claiming to be a completely unbiased representation of American politics?

Suddenly, the door flies open to admit a deeply concerned Ron Butterfield.

RON
Mr. President! We�ve just received reports that the First Lady�s chief of staff, Amy Gardner, has been kidnapped outside her home!

Silence fills the room as the news begins to sink in.

BARTLET
Okay, what�s next?

Cut to Sam, walking through the corridors.

JOSH
Sam!

SAM
(turning around) Hey! Any news on the thing?

JOSH
You mean the thing with the...

SAM
Yeah, that one.

JOSH
It�s not looking good.

SAM
I thought we were making progress on this thing?

JOSH
Are you kidding me? Things have gone from bad to worse. Kinsey�s saying-

SAM
Senator Kinsey? (:p, Stargaters) How did he get involved?

JOSH
He was always involved.

SAM
No he- Hang on a minute... are we talking about the same thing, here?

JOSH
(frowning) I thought that... What was your thing?

SAM
What was your thing?

JOSH
I... don�t... really think it matters that much.

SAM
You can�t remember?

JOSH
(is silent a moment) I�ve got to go deal with a thing. (he leaves abruptly)

Cut to the press room, where CJ is briefing the press.

REPORTERS
CJ! CJ!

CJ
Chris.

CHRIS
What is Joe doing here?

CJ
You know, I find that everything becomes a lot easier once you stop asking those kinds of questions and accept that, while it may be that all things happen for a reason, oftentimes it just comes down to ratings. Mark.

MARK
CJ, is it true that the First Lady�s chief of staff has been kidnapped, and if so, what action is being taken?

CJ
Yes, it�s true; Amy Gardner was abducted outside her home several hours ago.

MARK
And?

CJ
(not following) And...?

MARK
Is anything being done about it?!

CJ
Such as?

MARK
Well, are you guys conducting a search, or...

CJ
Well, we�re throwing a party Monday night in celebration of her almost certain demise. Is that what you meant?

Cut to the President walking out of the Oval Office. Abbey is waiting by Charlie�s desk.

BARTLET
Hey. Are you speaking to me, or...?

ABBEY
No, I think we�re good.

BARTLET
(relieved) Okay.

ABBEY
I�m not a hundred per cent sure, though, so I�m gonna throw a glare at you every now and then, you know, just in case. Nothing personal.

BARTLET
Uh, okay... Say, have you seen Zoey lately?

ABBEY
(glares) I haven�t, why?

BARTLET
(a little taken aback by her expression) Well... I�ve been asking around and nobody seems to know where she is.

ABBEY
That might be on account of her having been kidnapped by terrorists.

BARTLET
(shocked) Zoey was kidnapped by terrorists? Wow, is it just me, or is this kind of thing happening more and more often lately?

ABBEY
It�s the falling ratings, I guess.

BARTLET
Well, did we do anything about it?

ABBEY
I don�t know, I think you may have evoked the 25th, but then everybody forgot about it after that huge muffin crisis...

BARTLET
(frowns) Our daughter was kidnapped by terrorists, aren�t you a little concerned about what�s going to become of her?

ABBEY
Jed, haven�t you noticed? Zoey isn�t very widely-liked around here.

BARTLET
What does that have to-

ABBEY
See, in my experience, the least-liked people tend to live longest.

BARTLET
(concerned) But, then, where does that put me? Everybody likes me!

ABBEY
(consolingly) Of course they don�t.

BARTLET
Who doesn�t like me?

ABBEY
Well, Republicans, for a start. Congress, the Pentagon, the people of Qumar, me, the whole continent of Asia... I don�t think you�ve got anything to worry about.

BARTLET
Well, if I�m really that widely hated I think I do have something to worry about, but we�ll get to that later...

ABBEY
So, can I just ask one question?

BARTLET
Sure.

ABBEY
What�s Joe doing here?

They both slowly turn to stare at Joe.

Cut to Will, walking out into Toby�s office. The communications director is nowhere to be seen, but the Robert Palmer girls and Joe are waiting there.

WILL
(sighing) Why do I always get stuck with you guys?

The Laurens and Cassie give Will a dangerous look.

WILL
(hurriedly) Not... that I don�t... enjoy your company, but... I was just wondering how come you four are the only people in this building I ever get to have proper conversations with.

LAUREN CHEN
It�s a newbie thing.

WILL
(confused) A newbie thing...?

LAUREN SHELBY
Yeah. See, you�ve gotta work you way up, Will.

CASSIE
You can�t expect to steal every scene on your first day.

WILL
(looking at Joe) Umm...

LAUREN SHELBY
Oh, Joe�s different.

LAUREN ROMANO
He�s special.

WILL
I�m not special?

There is a long silence.

A LAUREN (it�s pointless trying to differentiate between them all, really)
As I was saying � you�ve got to work your way up.

Toby walks in.

TOBY
What are you people doing in my office?

WILL
I was looking for you.

TOBY
(looking around at Joe, Cassie and the Laurens) So you decided to recruit search party?

WILL
No, they were just here.

TOBY
Well, can they not be here anymore?

The Robert Palmer girls exit. Joe doesn�t, but everybody�s all but given up trying to get rid of him by this point. Toby takes one look at Joe, then hangs his coat up on him.

WILL
Toby, listen, we really need to get a speechwriting staff.

TOBY
We�ve got a speechwriting staff.

WILL
(looking out at the Robert Palmer girls in the bullpen) They�re not speechwriters, they�re interns.

TOBY
They�re speechwriters now.

WILL
What?

TOBY
Well, I figured since you seemed to work so well together...

WILL
Oh, God, don�t tell me...

TOBY
Say hello to your new speechwriting staff.

Cut to the ladies� bathroom. CJ walks in to find Donna standing in front of the mirror, her hands gripping the sides of the sink basin.

CJ
Donna, what are you doing in here?

DONNA
I�m hiding.

CJ
Hiding from whom?

DONNA
From Joe! Haven�t you noticed? He�s everywhere lately.

CJ
I know! I heard he�s sat in on every meeting in the Oval Office today. Somebody said he had breakfast at the Residence with the President and First Lady, Toby�s taken to barricading his office to keep him out, Carol swears that he followed her to work this morning, and he�s been at every one of my press briefings. It�s starting to get really spooky.

DONNA
He also stood in on this really shippy moment between me and Josh. I asked him what he thought he was doing, and he made up some excuse about it being his office!

CJ
The nerve!

DONNA
So anyway, I figure this is the one place I�ll be safe from him.

CJ
Just don�t stay in here too long, Josh has been looking for you. And when I say looking, I mean he�s screaming the place down trying to find you. He�s saying he wants you dead or alive. The interns and Joe are getting really freaked out.

DONNA
(shuddering at the mention of Joe) Tell him I�m not budging; he can move his office in here.

CJ
Will do. But don�t be surprised... if...

The sound of a toilet flushing is heard in the background and Joe wanders out of a cubicle, past the two women and out the door. CJ and Donna stare after him.

Cut to Josh, storming through the corridors with Joe (SPECIAL GUEST STAR MATTHEW PERRY... in case you�ve forgotten) at his heels.

JOSH
DONNA!

MARY-SUE
Hi, Josh.

JOSH
Mary-Sue! I thought the assistants had sacrificed you to a pagan god!

MARY-SUE
Well, they tried to, but I fought them off with my super-human strength.

JOSH
Superhuman strength?

MARY-SUE
Well... (gasp!deepdarksecret!!gasp!)

JOSH
(looking past Mary-Sue) Hey... is that a wild boar?

Josh and Joe run over to get a closer look, leaving Mary-Sue standing there on her own.

MARY-SUE
(pouts) Humph!

She stamps her foot and turns to walk back, coming face to face with Carol, in war-paint and carrying a spear!

CAROL
I FOUND HER! SHE�S OVER HERE!

Ginger, Bonnie, Cathy and Margaret dash towards Mary-Sue, their faces painted like Carol�s and carrying similar weapons.

GINGER
GET HER!

MARY-SUE
JOSH!! SAVE ME!!

Mary-Sue squeals and runs off.

Josh and Joe look around as some Secret Service agents escort the boar out of the building to see the assistants chasing Mary-Sue. They look at each other. Josh shrugs.

JOSH
Assistant thing.

Cut to the Oval Office. A grave-face Ron faces the President, Leo and Joe.

RON
Mr. President, we�ve received a ransom note from a group of Qumari terrorists who claim to be responsible for Amy Gardner�s kidnapping.

BARTLET
What are they asking for, a prize? A medal?

RON
(grimly) Not quite, sir.

Ron hands the President the letter. As Bartlet reads the note his expression changes.

BARTLET
You�re... positive that this isn�t some kind of hoax?

RON
Yes, sir.

BARTLET
There�s no chance that they could be bluffing?

RON
No, sir.

The President says nothing, deeply worried.

LEO
Mr. President, if you don�t comply with their demands, then they�re going to release Amy Gardner.

Fade out as Ron, Leo, Bartlet and Joe (played by SPECIAL GUEST STAR MATTHEW PERRY) exchange grave expressions.

Cut to the Operations bullpen, where everybody (including Joe) is congregated for no discernable reason. The atmosphere is tense. Suddenly, Sam runs in excitedly.

SAM
Hey, guys!

Everyone looks around.

CJ
You�ve got news?

SAM
(grinning) I�ve got news! Amy�s dead!

BARTLET
You�re kidding!

SAM
I�m not.

LEO
We know this for sure?

SAM
Oh, I think we can safely say that she�s no more.

WILL
What makes you so confident?

SAM
Trust me, Will, Amy�s dead. She told me so herself.

Everyone turns to stare at Sam.

SAM
What?

Amy walks in. Insert Imperial March here.

AMY
Hi, guys. What�s going on?

Everyone backs away slowly, fearfully. They know that all is lost, for she has them cornered, and there is no escape... unless...

Donna runs in carrying a bucket of water which she throws over Amy�s head.

TOBY
Well, that was convenient.

AMY
(screams) I�m melting! I�m melting!

Amy proceeds to do so and is soon no more than a puddle of some highly acidic solution which quickly begins to eat a hole in the floor.

BARTLET
There goes the Wicked Witch of the West Wing.

DONNA
The Witch is dead!

WILL
The Witch is dead!

SAM
(sings) Ding, dong, the Witch is dead!

TOBY
Which old witch?

CJ
The Wicked Witch!

ALL
DING, DONG, THE WICKED WITCH IS DEAD!

Singing and dancing ensues.

ABBEY
Wait!

Everyone stops, and looks at Abbey.

ABBEY
How can you be celebrating? This is terrible! My chief of staff is gone! How am I supposed to find somebody so widely-despised by the rest of the staff to put beside me so that I�ll look great in comparison?

All look at each other.

JOSH
Take Joe!

This is met with unanimous approval.

TOBY
Yes, take Joe!

CJ
Just the man for the job!

Joe looks horrified.

ABBEY
But Joe�s a Republican!

BARTLET
Hey, we�re all for bipartisanship in this White House. Now, take the dirty conservative scumbag and be done with it.

JOE
But I already have a job!

LEO
Well, if you insist... (shrugs) You�re fired. You�ll take the job now?

JOE
But-

BARTLET
Good man. Abigail, he�s all yours.

(Fade out on Joe�s expression of utter horror)

(Roll credits)


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