Laurie: "Tell your friend POTUS he's got a funny name, and he should learn how to ride a bicycle."
Sam: "I would, but he's not my friend, he's my boss. And it's not his name, it's his title."
Laurie: "POTUS?"
Sam: "President of the United States."

Mandy: "I'm under arrest, I'm going to have to call you back, Bruce."

Mike: "It's a nice morning, Mr. McGarry."
Leo: "We'll take care of that in a hurry, won't we, Mike?"
Mike: "Yes, sir."
Bonnie: "Don't kill the messenger, Leo."
Leo: Why the hell not, Bonnie?"

Toby: "This is a Lockheed eagle series L-1011. It came off the line 20 months ago and carries a Sim-5 Transponder tracking system. Are you telling me I can still flummox this thing with something I bought at Radio Shack?"
Flight Attendant: "You can make your call when we land, sir."
Toby: "Also, I never got my peanuts."

Donna: "Morning, Leo."
Leo: "Hey, Donna. Is he in yet?"
Donna: "Yeah."
Leo: (beat) "Can you get him?"
Donna: "JOSH!!"
Leo: "Thanks."

Leo: "He was swerving to avoid a tree."
Donna: "And what happened?"
Leo: "He was unsuccessful."

Mrs. Landingham: "Have they done an x-ray?"
Leo: "Yep."
Mrs. Landingham: "Is anything broken?"
Leo: "A $4000 Lynex, titanium touring bike that I swore I'd never lend anyone."
Mrs Landingham: "I don't understand. How did he..."
Leo: "He's a klutz, Mrs. Landingham. Your president's a geek."

Leo: "Margaret, please call the editor of the New York Times crossword and tell him that Khaddafi and is spelled with and H and two Ds and isn't a seven-letter word for anything."
Margaret: "Is this for real or is this just fun?"
Leo: "Apparently neither."

Leo: "True or false: if I were to stand on high ground in Key West with a good pair of binoculars I'd be as informed as I am right now."
Josh: "That's true."
Leo: "The intelligence budget's money well spent."

Toby: "Oh, for God's sake, forget about the journey. The voyage is not our problem."
CJ: "What's our problem?"
Toby: "What to do when the Nina, the Pinta, and the Get Me The Hell Outta Here hit Miami."

Toby: "You think the United States is under attack from 12,000 Cubans in rowboats."
Sam: "I'm not saying I don't like our chances."
Toby: "Mindboggling to me that we ever won an election."

Toby: "I agree with Josh and I agree with CJ and I agree with Sam. And you know how that makes me crazy."

Toby: "I'm going to make a suggestion, which might help you out, but I don't want this gesture to be mistaken for indication that I like you."

Sam: "Same suit you wore yesterday?"
Josh: "Yeah. You?"
Sam: "Yeah."

Leo: "Seventeen across. Yes. Seventeen across is wrong. You're spelling his name wrong. What's my name? My name doesn't matter. I'm just an ordinary citizen who relies on the Times crossword for stimulation. And I'm telling you, I've met with the man twice, and I've recommended a pre-emptive Exocet Missile attack against his air force. So, I think I know how to-"
CJ: "Leo!"
Leo: (looks at the phone a moment, then hangs up) "They hang up on me. Every time."
CJ: "That's almost hard to believe."

CJ: "Is there anything I can say other than the President rode his bicycle into a tree?"
Leo: "He hopes never to do it again."
CJ: "Seriously, they're laughing pretty hard."
Leo: "He rode his bicycle into a tree, CJ, what do you want me to- 'The President, while riding a bicycle on his vacation in Jackson Hole, came to a sudden arboreal stop'- what do you want from me?"
CJ: "A little love, Leo."

Cathy: "You're supposed to tell them about the building and its history. Do you need anything?"
Sam: "I need someone to tell me about the building and its history."

Sam: "Ms. O'Brian, I understand your feelings, but please believe me when I tell you that I'm a nice guy having a bad day. I just found out the Times is publishing a poll that says a considerable portion of Americans feel the White House has lost energy and focus. A perception that's not likely to be altered by the video footage of the President riding his bicycle into a tree. As we speak, the Coast Guard is fishing Cubans out of the Atlantic Ocean while the Governor of Florida wants to blockade the Port of Miami. A good friend of mine's about to get fired for going on television and making sense, and it turns out I accidentally slept with a prostitute last night. Now would you please, in the name of compassion, tell me which one of those kids is my boss's daughter?"
Mallory: "That would be me."
Sam: "You."
Mallory: "Yes."
Sam: "Leo's daughter's fourth grade class."
Mallory: "Yes."
Sam "Well, this is bad on so many levels."

Donna: "Put it on."
Josh: "No."
Donna: "You've been wearing the same clothes for 31 hours now, Josh."
Josh: "I'm not getting spruced up for these people, Donna."
Donna: "All the girls think you look really hot in this shirt."
Josh snatches the shirt from her.

Josh: "They're going to try and bait me."
CJ: "They want you to say something arrogant."
Josh: "I don't need baiting for that!"

Van Dyke: "If our children can buy pornography on any street corner for five dollars, isn't that too high a price to pay for free speech?"
Bartlet: "No."
Van Dyke: "Really?"
Bartlet: "On the other hand, I do think that five dollars is too high a price to pay for pornography."

Russell: "They're not having a party in the West Wing."
Mandy: "I worked with these people for two and a half years. They like to win and then they like to gloat."
Russell: "I'm sure you're wrong."
Mandy: "I'm sure I'm not"
Russell: "There are very serious men and women in the White House. A blow was struck for party unity this morning. There's no cause to gloat."
(cut to Josh)
Josh: "Victory is mine! Victory is mine! Great day in the morning people. Victory is mine!"
Donna: "Good morning, Josh."
Josh:"I drink from the keg of glory, Donna. Bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land."
Donna: "It�s going to be an unbearable day."

Josh: "Someone give me a river to forge, a serpent to slay."
CJ: "What's his problem?"
Donna: "He's been drinking from the keg of glory. We're to bring him all the muffins and bagels in all the land."

Toby: "Mrs. Landingham, does the president have free time this morning?"
Mrs. Landingham: "The president has nothing but free time, Toby. Right now he's in the residence eating Cheerios and enjoying Regis and Kathie Lee. Should I get him for you?"
Toby: "Sarcasm's a disturbing thing coming from a woman of your age, Mrs. Landingham."
Mrs. Landingham: "What age would that be, Toby?"
Toby: "Late twenties?"
Mrs. Landingham: "Atta boy."

CJ: "Sir, this may be a good time to talk about your sense of humour."
Bartlet: "I've got an intelligence briefing, a security briefing, and a 90-minute budget meeting all scheduled for the same 45 minutes. You sure this is a good time to talk about my sense of humour?"
CJ: "No."
Bartlet: "Me neither."

Bartlet: "CJ, on your tombstone, it's going to read post hoc, ergo propter hoc."
CJ: "Okay, but none of my visitors are going to be able to understand my tombstone."
Bartlet: "Twenty-seven lawyers in the room, anybody know post hoc, ergo propter hoc? Josh?"
Josh: "Uh, post, after. After hoc. Ergo, therefore. After hoc, therefore something else hoc."
Bartlet: "Thank you. Next?"

Josh: "You slept with a call girl?"
Sam: "Well no - well, yes, yes I did."
Josh: "Does she know who you are?"
Sam: "No, I didn't reveal my secret identity, Josh."

Bartlet: "I don't need a flu shot."
Morris: "You do need a flu shot."
Bartlet: "How do I know this isn't the start of a military coup?"
Morris: "Sir?"
Bartlet: "I want the Secret Service in here right away."
Morris: "In the event of a military coup, sir, what makes you think the Secret Service is gonna be on your side?"
Bartlet: "Now that's a thought that's gonna fester."

Toby: "You accidentally slept with a prostitute."
Sam: "Call girl."
Toby: "Accidentally."
Sam: "Yes."
Toby: "I don't understand, did you trip over something?"
Sam: "I didn't know she was a call girl."
Toby: "There wasn't a red flag when she charged you money in exchange for sex?"

Toby: "This administration doesn't even need an opposition party, you know that? We do fine by ourselves."

Donna: "Is it possible there's a situation involving Sam, a woman, and CJ being denied information?"
Josh: "OK. Here's what I'm gonna do-"
Donna: "Hide in your office?"
Josh: "No, I'm not gonna hide in my office. I am going to go in my office and devise a strategy. That is what I do. I'm a professional. I'm not a little boy."
Donna: "Hm, that's the spirit."
Josh: "But if she calls, I'm at the dentist. I'll be back in an hour."
Donna: "Got it."
Josh: (walking into his office, only to find CJ there waiting for him) "Ahh!"
CJ: "Wow, are you stupid."

Josh: "I really think I'm the best judge of what I mean, you paranoid Berkeley shiksa feminista!" (beat) "Well, that was way too far."
CJ: "No, no. Well, I've got a staff meeting to go to and so do you, you elitist Harvard fascist missed-the-dean's-list-two-semesters-in-a-row Yankee jack-ass!"
Josh: Feel better gettin' that off your chest there, CJ?
CJ: I'm a whole new woman.
Josh: You look like a million bucks, by the way.
CJ: Don't try to make up with me.

Josh: "So we're all set, good. So how do we tell them what we know without telling them what we know?"
CJ: "Well, we don't know anything, so that shouldn't be hard."

Toby: Have the Justice Department bring them in for questioning pending felony charges.
Josh: "Toby's right, what's the good of being in power if your not gonna haul your enemies in for questioning?"

CJ: "I don't care what it is; I care what it looks like."
Sam: "And I care what it is! And I think it's high time you all spent a little less time looking good and-"
CJ: "-a little more time being good?"
Sam: "Yeah."
CJ: "Yeah, I've heard that one before. One other thing."
Sam: "Are we done?"
CJ: "No, Sam, when I say 'one other thing' that means we're not done, that there's one other thing."
Sam: "I'm resenting the hell out of this conversation right now."
CJ: "It was tough to tell from your tone of voice."
Sam: "What do you want?"
CJ: "I beg your pardon?"
Sam: "What's the one other thing?"
CJ: "I'm your first phone call."
Sam: "When?"
CJ: "Before. Now. In the future. Anytime you're into something and you don't know what, and you can't tell me that you thought there was nothing to it because you sat down with Josh and you sat down with Toby. Anytime you're into something and you don't know what you don't keep it from me. I'm your first phone call. I'm your first line of defense. You have to let me protect you, and you have to let me protect the President!"
Sam: "Is that what this is about?"
CJ: "What this is about, Sam, is you're a high-profile, very visible, much-noticed member-"
Sam: "You just said three things that all mean the same thing."
CJ: "You're not going to let this out of your teeth."
Sam: "Can I go now, CJ? Because what I think it's about is you, once again letting the character cops win in a forfeit because you don't have the guts or the strength or the courage to say 'we know what's right from wrong and it's none of your damn business.'"
CJ: "Really."
Sam: "Yes!"
CJ: "Strength, guts or courage."
Sam: "Yes."
CJ: "You just said three things that all mean the same thing."

Josh: "Seriously Charlie, we call the president 'Sir' - everyone else is 'hey, when am I gonna get that thing I asked for?'."

Josh: "'Insuccessful'?"
Donna: "What's the problem?"
Josh: "I don't think we're allowed to make up our own words."
Donna: "Oh, and like there's no chance it's a typo."
Josh: "Change it, would you? Serious people are going to read that."

Sam: "Have you ever tried to overthrow the government?"
Charlie: "No, sir."
Sam: "What the hell's been stopping you?"

CJ: "Admiral Fitzwalace is chairman of the joint chiefs, Leo McGarry is White House Chief of Staff, I'm your host CJ, lets play our game."

Cathy: "Why is no one avalible to speak on the phone?"
CJ: "I don't know, they're planning my suprise party."

CJ: "Sam knows the difference between right and wrong and so do you. Would it make my life easier if he wasn't friends with this woman? Absolutely. But Sam is a grown-up and I don't get to choose his friends and your readers don't get to judge them. And I'll tell you what else, theres something commendable about Sam's behaviour here, don't ask me what but there is, and I'm sticking by him until the president orders me otherwise and I'm going to look very unfavourably on those who seek only to make us look like fools."

Bartlet: (on his speech) "Yes, I did a little polish right up there on my feet. Right in front of everyone. I looked at the side at one point, you know, and I half expected to see you coming at me with a salad fork."
Toby: "Well, but for the secret service agents restraining me, sir."

Bartlet: "You know what, Toby? You're what my mother calls a pain in the ass."
Toby: "Well that's what my mother calls it too, sir."

Sam: "'Happy Days Are Here Again'?"
Mandy: "He likes it."
Sam: "Who?"
Mandy: "The president."
Sam: "We try to avoid having the president make aesthetic decisions."
Mandy: "I made the decision."
Sam: "Great. And I don't mean to step on your toes, but you might want to avoid marrying the line 'Kids are dead! Kids are dead!' with 'Happy Days Are Here Again'."

Toby: "Why do you keep saying stuff like that to me?"
CJ: "Just to see your face turn that colour."

CJ: "Do you think I have an unusually large neck?"
Josh: "What the hell?"

Screaming Girls: "We love you, Josh!!"
CJ: "It helps not to know him!"

Leo: "There's two things in the world you never want to let people see how you make 'em: laws and sausages."

Toby: "Pretty humiliating way of taking one for the team, isn't it?"
Mandy: "They're going to love you for being broke, Toby."
Toby: "I found that. I found that women especially can't get enough of my 1993 Dodge Dart."

Sam: "Where are you going?"
Josh: "Where are you going?"
Sam: "I was following you."
Josh: "I was following you. Alright, don't tell anyone this happened, okay?"

Margaret: "You don't want a violinist?"
Leo: "To play the violin?"
Margaret: "Yeah."
Leo: "Is that what people get now?"
Margaret: "I know it's available."
Leo: "No. 'Cause after the initial thing wears off there's just a guy with a violin in my house."

Reporter: "CJ, I'm curious about the President's farm in Manchester. The property value increased seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. What's that due to?"
CJ: "Secret Service improvements."
Reporter: "Can you go into detail please?"
CJ: "The property now includes a helipad and the ability to run a global war from the sun porch."

Mandy: "Someone gave you a year's supply of fruit?"
Josh: "Yes."
Mandy: "Why?"
Josh: "There are people who like me."
Mandy: "Why?"

CJ: "Excuse me, Toby, I was just heading out for lunch and I'm a little short. You wouldn't happen to have $125,000 I could borrow, would you?"

Josh: "See, you won with 52 percent, but the President took your district with 59. And I think its high time we come back and say thanks. Do you have any idea how much noise Air Force One makes when it lands in Eau Claire, Wisconsin? We're gonna have a party, Congressman, you should come, it's gonna be great. And when the watermelon's done, right in town square, right in the band gazebo, you guys got a band gazebo...? Doesn't matter, we'll build one. Right in the band gazebo that's where the President's gonna drape his arm around some Assistant DA we like and you should have your camera with you, you should get a picture of that, because that's gonna be the moment you're finished in Democratic politics. President Bartlet's a good man, he's got a good heart, he doesn't hold a grudge; that's what he pays me for."

Josh: "I really thought a nice by-product of not going out with you anymore would be that you wouldn't yell at me anymore."
Mandy: "That was a bit unrealistic, wasn't it?"

Toby: "There's literally no one in this world I don't hate right now."

Sam: "So how do you feel there, big guy?"
Toby: "Like I just got screwed with my pants on."

Charlie: "Mr. President, you look a little winded."
Bartlet: "I'm fine."
Charlie: "Ah, maybe you want to sit for a minute, sir?"
Bartlet: "Why would I want to do that?"
Josh: "'Cause people are bound to get pretty upset when they find out we killed the President."

Toby: Mr. President, there's no shame in calling it quits. All you have to do is say, "Toby, you're the superior athlete" and slink on off the court.

Bartlet: You wanna play or write my eulogy?
Toby: Can I be honest with you, sir?

Toby: "You know, the thing about you, Mr. President, isn't so much that you cheat, it's how brazenly bad you are at it."
Bartlet: "I beg your pardon!"
Josh: "Toby's got a point there, sir."
Bartlet: "When have I ever cheated?"
Toby: "How about in Florida playing mixed doubles with me and CJ. You tried to tell us your partner worked at the American Consulate in Vienna."
Bartlet: "And she did."
Toby: "It was Steffi Graf!"
Bartlet: "Well I admit the woman bore a striking resemblance-"
Toby: "It was Steffi Graf, you crazy lunatic! Do you think I'm not going to recognize Steffi Graf when she's serving a tennis ball at me?"

Donna: "And you don't find that adorable?"
Josh: "That you seek to control me?"
Donna: "Yeah?"
Josh: "Love it."

Josh: "Can we clear up a few things about my level of interest in the revolving door of local gomers that you see, in the free time that you create by not working very hard at your job?"
Donna: "Excuse me?"
Josh: "You work hard at your job."
Donna: "How hard?"
Josh: "Very hard."
Donna: "And I am?"
Josh: "Not at all controlling."

CJ: "There's an article I want you to read in The New Yorker."
Josh: "What's it about?"
CJ: "Small pox."
Josh: "The disease?"
CJ: "No, the dessert topping, Josh."

Leo: "Andrew Jackson, in the main foyer of his White House had a big block of cheese. I am making a mental list of those who are snickering, and even as I speak I'm preparing appropriate retribution." (beat) "The block of cheese was huge- over two tons. And it was there for any and all who might be hungry."
Toby: "Leo, wouldn't this time be better spent plotting a war against a country that can't possibly defend itself against us?"
Leo: "We can do that later, Toby. Right now I'm talking about President Andrew Jackson."
Sam: "Actually, right now, you're talking about a big block of cheese."
Leo: "And Sam goes on my list!"
Sam: "What about Toby?"
Leo: "I'm unpredictable."

Josh: "Sorry we're late. Is it Total Crackpot Day again?"
Leo: "Yes, it is."
Sam: "And let us please note that Josh does not go on the list."

Mandy: "Mr. President, if you could also see your way clear to not answering that question like an economics professor with a big old stick up his butt, that would be good too."
Bartlet: "I am an economics professor with a big old stick up my butt, but I'll do my best for you, there, Mandy."

CJ: "Good morning, Mrs. Landingham. Where are we in the saga of Toby and the president?"
Mrs. Landingham: "They seem to be having a disagreement."
CJ: "A disagreement or a fight?"
Mrs. Landingham: "Well, it certainly has the potential to-"
Bartlet: (off screen) "Oh, for God's sake, Toby!"
Mrs. Landingham: "There we go."

Bob: "We'd like the White House to pay a little more attention to UFOs."
Sam: "Are we paying any attention at all right now?"
Bob: "No."
Sam: "Thank God. Like we don't have enough problems with the First Lady and her Ouija board."
Bob: "I would like you to show the president some data we've collected on some possible extraterrestrial contact."
Sam: "I really can't do that."
Bob: "May I ask why not?"
Sam: "Because the president will either yell at me or laugh at me. Either way, it won't work out well for me."

Sam: "There are levels and an order to our air defense command, and to jump from a radar officer to the Commander in Chief would skip several of those levels."
Bob: "Like what?"
Sam: "Like the Pentagon, and, you know, perhaps therapy."

Bob: "Something's heading east in the sky over the Pacific. It's in and out of our radar. We can't see it, and it's up there right now. I leave you with that thought."
Sam: "It's been good meeting with you, and I hope that you don't feel that you wasted your time. I leave you with this pen."

CJ: "Where was the one where Roberto Benigni pushed me into this swimming pool?"
Mandy: "That was Larry Posner's house, but that was the old place. CJ... if it gets a vote then isn't it worth it?"
CJ: "Which would be fine if Roberto Benigni can vote in our elections, but since he's Italian, that makes me a six foot wet girl in a Donna Karan dress."

Sam: "Cathy?"
Cathy: "You know that doughnut sitting on your desk?"
Sam: "You ate it."
Cathy: "That was predictable, wasn't it?"

Bartlet: "Mrs. Landingham, are you drunk?"
Mrs. Landingham: "No sir- now why would I-?"
Bartlet: "I just like asking."

CJ: "Wolves don't kill people. That's a myth."
Toby "Where along the way did she turn into a wolf person?"
CJ: "More people get killed getting change out of vending machines than get killed by a wolf attack."
Cathy: "Are you serious?"
CJ: "Number of people killed last year retrieving change from a vending machine: four. Number of people killed by a wolf attack: zero."

CJ: "I don't know, maybe the vending machines fall on them while they're getting their change."

Josh: "You look good!"
Zoey: "You look like death on a Triscuit!"
Josh: "Oh, thanks, very much. I've been seeing a new barber."

Josh: (on the NSC card) "I can't keep this. I think it's a white flag of surrender. I want to be a comfort to my friends in tragedy. And I want to be able to celebrate with them in triumph. And for all the times in between, I just want to be able to look them in the eye. Leo, it's not for me. I want to be with my friends, my family, and these women."

Josh: "Sam, I'm going back to the office, they've got the commerce report ready for me. What are you doing?"
Sam: "I was gonna go home."
Josh: "Sam, I'm going back to the office, they've got the commerce report ready for me. What are you doing?"
Sam: "I'm going to go back to your office with you and make sure you understand the commerce report."

Sam: "CJ, we've been working on this commerce bill for three weeks, I hear you talk about the census all the time."
CJ: "Yeah. Yeah."
Sam: "Well... I don't understand. How could you-"
CJ: "I've been faking it."
Sam: "You've been faking it?"
CJ: "I've been playing it fast and loose there's no doubt about it, but sitting in on some of the meetings we've been having, and reading the briefing book last night, I have to say that the census is starting to sound to me like it's, well, important."
Sam: "Ah-hah."
CJ: "And, I've come to the realisation that if I'm gonna be talking about it all week, it's probably best that I understand what I'm saying."
Sam: "When?"
CJ: "When what?"
Sam: "When did you come to this realisation?"
CJ: "About an hour ago."
Sam: "Okay. Let's... I'll tell you what, let's forget the fact that you're coming a little late to the party and embrace the fact that you showed up at all."
CJ: "That's what I say."

Donna: "There's a 30 billion dollar budget surplus."
Josh: "It'll actually shake out to about 32 billion."
Donna: "Whatever."
Josh: "Well, you know what they say?"
Donna: "What do they say?"
Josh: "A billion dollars here, a billion dollars there. Sooner or later it starts to add up to real money."
Donna: "That's a nifty saying, Josh."
Josh: "I didn't coin it or anything."

Josh: "Let's say your cut of the surplus is $700. I want to take your money, combine it with everyone else's money and use it to pay down the debt and further endow social security. What do you wanna do with it?"
Donna: "Buy a DVD player."
Josh: "See?"
Donna: "But my $700 is helping to employ the people who manufacture and sell DVD players, not to mention the people who manufacture and sell DVD's. It's the natural evolution of the market economy."
Josh: "The problem is, the DVD player you buy might be made in Japan."
Donna: "I'll buy an American one."
Josh: "We don't trust you."
Donna: "Why not?"
Josh: "We're Democrats."
Donna: "I want my money back!"
Josh: "You shouldn't have voted for us."


Josh: "Sam, I'm taking Charlie for a beer tonight before the vote. Zoey and Mallory are coming."
Sam: "Sounds good."
CJ: "I like beer."
Josh: "If you want to come I guess that'd be okay."
CJ: "Why, Josh, you've swept me off my feet."

Josh: "The president's daughter and the chief-of-staff's daughter, a Georgetown bar, and Sam. What could possibly go wrong?"

CJ: "You told our boss's daughter you slept with a call girl?"
Sam: "I didn't know she was Leo's daughter at the time, I thought she was a school teacher who came in with her class."
Josh: "So you thought you were telling a complete stranger you slept with a call girl?"
CJ: "She didn't bring my grasshopper!"
Josh: "She didn't?"
CJ: "No."
Josh: "Maybe she just felt really stupid ordering it."

Josh: "How much were the sandwiches?"
Donna: "$12.95."
Josh: "I gave you a twenty!"
Donna: "Yes. As it turns out you actually gave me more money than I needed to buy what you asked for. However, knowing you as I do, I'm afraid I can't trust you to spend the change wisely. I've decided to invest it for you."
Josh: "That was nice. That was a little parable."
Donna: "I want my money back."

Bartlet: "Look, the Secret Service-"
Zoey: "The Secret Service should worry about you getting shot!"
Bartlet: "They are worried about me getting shot. I'm worried about me getting shot. But that is nothing compared to how terrified we are of you. You scare the hell out of the Secret Service Zoey, and you scare the hell out of me too. My getting killed would be bad enough, but that is not the nightmare scenario. The nightmare scenario, sweetheart, is you getting kidnapped. You go out to a bar or a party in some club, and you get up to go to the restroom, somebody comes up from behind, puts their hand across your mouth, and whisks you out the back door. You're so petrified, you don't even notice the bodies of two secret service agents lying on the ground with bullet holes in their heads. Then you're whisked away in a car. It's a big party with lots of noise, and lots of people coming and going. And it's a half hour before someone says, "hey, where's Zoey?" Another fifteen minutes before the first phone call. Another hour and a half before anyone even thinks to shut down all the airports. Now we're off to the races. You're tied to a chair in a cargo shack, somewhere in the middle of Uganda. And I'm told that I have seventy-two hours to get Israel to free 460 terrorist prisoners. So I'm on the phone pleading with Benjamin and he's saying, "I'm sorry, Mr. President, but Israel simply does not negotiate with terrorists, period. It's the only way we can survive." So now we've got a new problem, because this country no longer has a Commander in Chief, it has a father who's out of his mind because his little girl is in a shack somewhere in Uganda with a gun to her head! Do you get it?"

CJ: "So let me see if I have this: a hurricane has picked up speed and power and is heading for Georgia, management and labour are coming here to work out a settlement to avoid a crippling strike that'll begin at midnight tonight, and the government is planning a siege on eighteen-forty of its citizens all the while we hold a state dinner for the President of Indonesia."
Josh and Toby: (almost in unison) "Yeah."
Sam: "You got it."
CJ: "Amazingly, you know what I'll get asked most often today?"
Toby: "What?"
CJ: (to a reporter) "Sandra?"
Sandra: "I'm sorry, CJ..."
CJ: "Black suede and velvet with monolo Blahnik slides with a rhinestone and mother of pearl toe buckle."
Sandra: "Thanks."
CJ: "No problem."

Toby: "No. Don't say friends."
Sam: "It's a state dinner."
Toby: "Fine. But I don't think we should remind people how friendly we were with dictators who oppressed their people while stealing their money."
Sam: "How else are you going to steal people's money?"
Toby: "See, that's good, write that in the toast."

Mandy: "It really bugs you that the President listens to me sometimes."
Josh: "Yes, but you shouldn't take it personally. It bugs me when the president listens to anyone who isn't me."

Sam: "Do you really think it's a good idea to invite people to dinner and then tell them exactly what they're doing wrong with their lives?"
Toby: "Absolutely. Otherwise it's just a waste of food."

Bartlet: "We're having salmon tonight."
Suguto: "Yes."
Bartlet: "They told you that?"
Suguto: "Yes."
Bartlet: "Yo-Yo Ma is going to play." (Suguto does not respond) "Some Bach concertos, I believe." (still no answer) "Do you like salmon?"
Suguto: "No."
Bartlet: "Well... Our mistake."
Suguto: "Yes."

Bartlet: (on Suguto) "I can't decide if that man is boring or rude but he's one or the other."

Josh: "I look good tonight, don't I?"
Mandy: "Yes."
Josh: "You look good too, but I look even better."

Sam: (To Josh) "We look good, don't we?"
Mandy: "Do you guys want to be alone?"

Reporter: "President Suguto, how are you enjoying America so far?"
Suguto: "Fine, thank you."
Reporter: "Would you mind expanding on that, sir?"
Bartlet: (when Suguto does not respond) "She'd like you to say a little more on the subject. "
Suguto: "I have nothing more to say on the subject."

Sam: "Do you think there's some sort of personal connection between President Suguto and the US? Something from his past?"
Josh: "He was once almost pushed out of an airplane by a CIA trained operator."
Sam: "I should probably leave that out."
Josh: "I would."

Bartlet: "Do you think it's important he sit at my table tonight?"
Leo: "He's the guest of honour, so it is customary."
Bartlet: "Where are you sitting?"
Leo: "At your table, sir."
Bartlet: "Where's Toby sitting?"
Leo: "With CJ, Sam, and Josh."
Bartlet: "Now that's the fun table."

Mandy: "You think it's a good sign?"
Josh: "I really don't know."
Mandy: "I'm asking what you think."
Josh: "I don't have any thoughts on it one way or the other."
Mandy: "Well, what's happening with the teamsters?"
Josh: "I don't know."
Mandy: "Any news on the hurricane?"
Josh: "Not that I'm aware of."
Mandy: "What is it you do here, exactly?"
Josh: "It's never really been made clear to me."

Josh: "You're quite a nerd, Mr. President."
Bartlet: "Really."
Josh: "Yes, sir."
Bartlet: "I assume that was said with all due respect."
Josh: "Yes, sir."

Bartlet: "We should organize a staff field trip to Shenandoah! I could even act as a guide! What do you think?"
Josh: "Good a place as any to dump your body."
Bartlet: "What was that?"
Josh: "Did I say that out loud?"

CJ: "Till two in the morning?"
Mrs. Landingham: "Yes."
CJ: "They were talking about National Parks until two in the morning?"
Mrs. Landingham: "I'd imagine the President was doing the lion's share of the talking."

Toby: "It's good."
Sam: "Yeah."
Toby: "It's good."
Sam: "Yeah."
Toby: "It's a little flat."
Sam: "I think so, too."
Toby: "My writing's been flat lately."
Sam: "It's not you, it's me."
Toby: "Well, you did the best you could."
Sam: "What do you mean?"
Toby: "You reached your potential here."
Sam: "No, I didn't. I can do better than this."
Toby: (mocking) "I can do better than this."
Sam: "Are you saying that I can't do better than this?"
Toby: "I'm saying you're fine and I'm flat."
Josh: "What's going on?"
Toby: "We're having difficulty locating our talent."

Toby: "All right, it couldn't have gone far, right?"
Sam: "No."
Toby: "Somewhere in this building is our talent."
Sam: "Yeah."

CJ: "How is it my staff just lets you walk in here?"
Danny: "They like me."
CJ: "They're supposed to like me."
Danny: "Go figure."

Sam: "You're asking me out on a date."
Mallory: "No."
Sam: "No?"
Mallory: "No, I'm asking you if you'd like to go together with me to see an internationally renowned opera company perform a work indigenous to its culture."
Sam: "Right, and in what way will it distinguish itself from a date?"
Mallory: "There will be, under no circumstances, sex for you at the end of the evening."

Leo: "Mallory, my daughter..."
Sam: "Yes."
Leo: "...has asked you..."
Sam: "Yes."
Leo: "...to go to the opera using the tickets that used to belong to me and Mallory's mother?"
Sam: "Yes."
Leo: "The woman who used to be my wife?"
Sam: "Leo, for whatever it's worth, she's made it very clear we won't be doing anything tonight you'd have a problem with."
Leo: "Like what?"
Sam: "Why don't we stay away from that?"
Leo: "Best that we do."

Toby: "It's retaliatory, sir."
Bartlet: "For what?"
Toby: "The campaign."
Bartlet: "What did I do to them during the campaign?"
Toby: "You won, sir."

Sam: "Yes, Mr. President. Tell them instead we'd much rather be held hostage by wildlife activists 'cause that's a position that always works well for us, and I think it's particularly important in the next election that we carry Montana and its three electoral votes."
Josh: "I always knew the day would come when Sam would start selling off entire states. I was just hoping he'd start with Delaware."

Mandy: "You guys are idiots. Did you know that?"
CJ: "In our own defense, we actually do know that."

Mrs. Landingham: "Is it done?"
Josh: "Well, that depends on your answer to this question, Mrs. Landingham: Who da man?"
Mrs. Landingham: "Excuse me, Josh?"
Josh: "Hmmm... Who da man?"
Mrs. Landingham: "You da man."
Josh, Toby and Sam: "WE DA MAN!"

Bartlet: "Which one of you is the man?"
Toby: "On this one, we'd like to think of ourselves collectively as da men, sir."

Donna: "Please don't get your hopes up."
Josh: "Why shouldn't I get my hopes up?"
Donna: "Because when it doesn't work out, you end up drunk in my apartment in the middle of the night and yell at my roommate's cats."

Josh: "Five White House staffers in the room. I would like to say to the 1.6 of you who are stoned right now, that it's time to share."

Josh: "You know anybody around here who uses drugs?"
Donna: "Yeah."
Josh: "You want to tell me who they are?"
Donna: "No."
Josh: "Good for you. Consider yourself interviewed."
Donna: "You're a good boy, Josh."
Josh: "Donna, I've seen your records."
Donna: "I know."
Josh: "You need to learn that 'no parking' means no parking."
Donna: "The thing is sometimes I can't find a space."
Josh: "Go to work."

CJ: (leaving a press briefing) "Set fire to the room. Do it now."

Josh: "I was interrogating this intern from the Legislative Liaison's Office, and she broke down crying while telling me about the bong she had made out of an eggplant."
Leo: "You can do that?"
Josh: "I used to use a potato."
Leo: "You've always been industrious."

CJ: "You were right."
Danny: "I know."
CJ: "The word 'subpoena' appears in the lead in every story of this morning's papers."
Danny: "I know."
CJ: "Not yours."
Danny: "That's just 'cause I couldn't spell it."

CJ: "What are you holding?"
Danny: "It's a goldfish."
CJ: "Why?"
Danny: "It's for you."
CJ: "Really?"
Danny: "Josh said you like goldfish."
CJ: (bursts out laughing) "The crackers, Danny. The cheese things that you have at a party?"
Danny: "Oh. Oh. You know what, I'm not a hundred percent sure I was supposed to know that."

Sam: "In 1787, there was a sizable block of delegates who were initially opposed to the Bill of Rights. This is what a member of the Georgia delegation had to say by way of opposition; 'If we list a set of rights, some fools in the future are going to claim that people are entitled only to those rights enumerated and no others.' So the Framers knew..."
Harrison: "Were you just calling me a fool, Mr. Seaborn?"
Sam: "I wasn't calling you a fool, sir. The brand new state of Georgia was."

Bartlet: "Did you have a drink yesterday?"
Leo: "No sir."
Bartlet: "Are you gonna have one today?"
Leo: "No sir."
Bartlet: "That's all you ever have to say to me."
Leo: "You know it's gonna make things very hard for a while."
Bartlet: "You fought in a war, got me elected, you run the country. I think we all owe you one, don't you?"

CJ: "Donnie, would you tell them I'm on my way over to see the president?"
Donnie: "Flamingo is on her way."
CJ: "Wait, what did you...? What did you call me?"

Toby: "It is not the new millennium. The year two thousand is the last year of the millennium; it's not the first one of the next."
Sam: "But the common sensibility, to quote Steven J. Gould-"
Toby: "Steven J. Gould needs to look at a calendar."
Sam: "Gould says that this is a largely unresolvable issue."
Toby: "Yes, it's tough to resolve. Yes, you have to look at a calendar."

Donna: "I've prepared a list."
Josh: "Of Christmas gift suggestions?"
Donna: "Yes."
Josh: (reading) "Ski pants, ski boots, ski hat, ski goggles, ski gloves, ski poles. I'm assuming you already have skis?"
Donna: "Page two."
Josh: "Right."
Donna: "Just pick something off the list, and, you know, feel free to pick two things."
Josh: "I should feel that freedom?"
Donna: "Yeah."
Josh: "Thanks."
Donna: "I wanna learn how to ski."
Josh: "Why?"
Donna: "I like the equipment."

CJ: "What's your secret service code name?"
Sam: "They just changed them."
CJ: "I know. What's yours?"
Sam: "Princeton."
CJ: "Mine's Flamingo."
Sam: "That's nice."
CJ: "No, it's not nice."
Sam: "A Flamingo's a nice looking bird."
CJ: "A Flamingo is a ridiculous looking bird."
Sam: "You're not ridiculous looking."
CJ: "I know I'm not ridiculous looking."
Sam: "Any way for me to get out of this conversation?"

Josh: "Could you stop looking at me with the face?"
Donna: "It's my face."
Josh: "Like I just killed your hamster?"

Bartlet: "Did you know that there's an underground tunnel out of here?"
Josh: "Yes."
Bartlet: "I haven't been able to find it even though I search almost everyday."

Josh: "Where are you going?"
Bartlet: "A place called Rare Books. You know what they sell?"
Josh: "Fishing tackle?"
Bartlet: "Funny boy."

Josh: "An hour with you in a rare book store. Couldn't you just drop me off the top of the Washington monument instead?"
Bartlet: "It's Christmas, Josh! No reason we can't do both."

Josh: "Here's one."
Mandy: "One what?"
Josh: "A book which if I was stuck with it on a desert island, I still wouldn't read it, 'The Adventures of James Cape Adams, Mountaineer and Grizzly Bear Hunter of California.' I believe I would eat this book before I read it."

Josh: "We meant well."
Leo: "Is that supposed to mean something to me?"
Josh: "No."
Leo: "It does."

Donna: "Heimlich Beckengruber on The Art and Artistry of Alpine Skiing."
Josh: "It's got a molted calf cover and original drab boards."
Donna: "I don't know what to say."
Josh: "I wrote a note inside. Donna, don't get emotional. Donna, don't get- let's try and maintain some kind of-"
Donna: (hugging him) "You see? You spend most of our time being, you know, you. Then you write something like this to me. Thank you."
Josh: "I meant it."
Donna: "Skis would have killed you?"
Josh: "Yeah."
Donna: "Okay."

Josh: "It's what I do now; I'm a professional hostile witness."

Mrs. Landingham: "How are you, Josh?"
Josh: "I've been subpoenaed."
Mrs. Landingham: "Oh, I'm sorry, dear. Would you like a cookie?"

Toby: "How could the CIA miss 300,000 armed people walking all over-"
Bartlet: "They didn't exactly miss them. In fact, they've got a very good photo now."
Toby: "Yeah, but the idea is to spot them before they cross the border, right?"
Bartlet: "Yeah."
Toby: "Oops."

Sam: "You should bring a lawyer."
Josh: "I am a lawyer."
Sam: "Yeah. Seriously, you should bring a real lawyer."
Josh: "Thanks for the pep talk."

Bartlet: "Lord John Marbury. Former ambassador to New Delhi from the court of St. James."
Sam: "Where do we find him?"
Leo: "A psychiatric institution."
Bartlet: "He's colourful, Leo."
Leo: "You're gonna let him loose in the White House, where there's liquor and women?"
Bartlet: "We can hide the women. But the man deserves a drink."

CJ: "They're misspelling New Delhi."
Carol: "They put the 'h' in the wrong place?"
CJ: "Hey, I'm happy when they use an 'h' at all."

Bartlet: "My daughter asked you out?"
Charlie: "Yes, sir."
Bartlet: "I should have locked her in the dungeon."
Charlie: "I don't think you've got one, sir."
Bartlet: "I could have built one."

Bartlet: "I'll take the Indian ambassador in the Oval Office."
Charlie: "Yes, sir."
Bartlet: "Then, if you could, ask the Secret Service to step in and kill me, please."

Bartlet: "Zoey just walked right up to him and asked him out."
Leo: "She's a very outgoing girl."
Bartlet: "See, but a dungeon would have put an end to that."
Leo: "We learn these lessons the hard way."
Bartlet: "I think you're trying to cover up the fact that you're enjoying this."
Leo: "I'm not trying to cover it up at all."

Leo: (on Marbury) "He thinks I'm the butler."
Bartlet: "For the first couple of weeks so did I."

Bartlet: "Say, listen. My hesitation about you going out with Zoey before, you know, it's not 'cause you're black."
Charlie: "I didn't think it was."
Bartlet: "It's not."
Charlie: "I thought it was 'cause I'm a guy."
Bartlet: "It is."

CJ: "You were the one who said, 'India's invaded Pakistan, let's not tell CJ.'"
Toby: "I didn't say it like that."
CJ: "How did you say it?"
Toby: "I said it nicer."

Josh: "Are his glands swollen?"
CJ: "Damn."
Josh: "What?"
CJ: "You know what I forgot to do today?"
Josh: "What?"
CJ: "I forgot to feel the president's glands."
Josh: "Do you think the joke reflex you use as a defense mechanism is why you have so much trouble keeping a man?"

Bartlet: "And I see we're spelling 'hallowed' with a pound sign in the middle."
Sam: "We'll fix that."
Bartlet: "The pound sign is silent?"

Bartlet: "I came to this hallowed chamber one year ago on a mission: to restore the American Dream for all our people, as we gaze at the vast horizon of possibilities open to us... In the 321st century. Wow, that was ambitious of me, wasn't it?"

Bartlet: "We meant 'stronger' here, right?"
Sam: "What does it say?"
Bartlet: "I'm proud to report our country's stranger than it was a year ago?"
Sam: "That's a typo."
Bartlet: "Could go either way."

Bartlet: "I'm taking pills, CJ."
CJ: "Are you actually taking them or are you just carrying them around in your pocket?"
Bartlet: (beat) "You know carrying them around in my pocket was a pretty big step for me."

Toby: "You don't look so good."
Bartlet: "Well, I'm gazing in the 321st century, man. There's a lot on my mind."

Sam: "I'll take care of it."
Toby: "Good, cause you know, we want to be able to report that the country's a lot stranger than it was a year ago."

Bartlet: "Mrs. Landingham, how do I look to you?"
Mrs. Landingham: "You're a very handsome man, Mr. President."

Bartlet: "You're very sexy when you're in doctor mode, you know that? Give me an IV of saline solution and 100 milligrams of Flumadine, STAT. I could jump you right now."
Abbey: "I could kill you right now."
Bartlet: "My thing's more fun."

Donna: "I think you should pick me."
Josh: "You think so?"
Donna: "Yeah, I'll be good."
Josh: "And where exactly do you fall in the line of succession?"
Donna: "If somebody blows up the Capitol Building, I'd imagine I'd move up a few slots."
Josh: "Fair point."

Donna: "I don't know why you're picking the secretary of agriculture."
Josh: "Because the secretaries of defense, state and treasury are famous faces, and we want the camera to find them."
Donna: "So, if the Capitol Building blows up..."
Josh: "Yes."
Donna: "The man my country will be looking to is the secretary of agriculture."
Josh: "It's my country too."
Donna: "Yeah, but you'll be dead."
Josh: "Which is why I really don't care that much."
Donna: "Josh?"
Josh: "Donna, I really don't anticipate the Capitol Building exploding."
Donna: "What percentage of things exploding have been anticipated?"
Josh: "Now you're bringing me down."
Donna: "I would think so."

Bartlet: (re: soap opera) "I don't understand. Don't any of these characters have jobs?"
Charlie: "I don't know, Mr. President. I think one of them is a surgeon."
Bartlet: "They seem to have a lot of free time in the middle of the day. And that woman's changed her clothes a lot for one afternoon."

Josh: "I read the statement you wrote for the President. Sensational, Sam. I'm sorry no one's gonna read it."
Sam: "The President's gonna read it. He's reading it right now."
Josh: "Sam?"
Sam: "I don't care."
Josh: "Leo's gonna kill us!"
Sam: "I don't care. Do you?"
Josh: "Nah."

Sam: (to Leo) "They want to tear you down, plain and simple. They don't like you, so this is what they do. And for us not to defend you? I disobeyed you. I apologise, but that's the way it is.

Bartlet: "You know, I was watching a television program before with a sort of a roving moderator who spoke to a seated panel of young women who were having some sort of problem with their boyfriend, apparently because the boyfriends had all slept with the girlfriends' mothers. Then they brought the boyfriends out and they all fought right there on television. Tell me Toby, these people don't vote do they?"

Bartlet: "Do you have a best friend?"
Roger Tribbey: "Yes, sir."
Bartlet: "Is he smarter than you?"
Tribbey: "Yes, sir."
Bartlet: "Would you trust him with your life?"
Tribbey: "Yes, sir."
Bartlet: "Then that's your Chief of Staff."

Sam: "You know, CJ, it can be pretty confusing sometimes. I mean, I'm at this place with Mallory where I don't know if she likes me. I don't know if she doesn't like me. I don't know if she's indifferent altogether. I just wish she'd take the bull by the horns and get past it so we could move on."

Mallory: (arriving) "Sam, did you write this statement defending my father?"
Sam: "Yes." (Mallory kisses Sam, then walks away) "Well, now I'm even more confused."
Josh: "Yes."
Sam: "Though I gotta say I'm enjoying being a writer."

CJ: "The President will sign the bill with 15 pens, and I guess someone on my staff wanted you to know that."
Danny "CJ?"
CJ: "Tell me you don't have a question about the pens."
Danny: "I have a question about the pens."
CJ: "Yes, Danny?"
Danny: "Josiah Bartlet has 13 letters in it - how's the President going to use 15 pens?"
CJ: "Danny."
Danny: "I was just-"
CJ: "You know you're the only one in the room doing the math on that, right?"
Danny: "I just-"
CJ: "Only one in the room."
Danny: "My readers expect a little bit more."
CJ: "Fifteen pens, 13 letters, they must have stuck something in here about... Yes, he is going to - interesting - he is going to literally dot the i and cross the t's."
Danny: "Thank you."
CJ: "Freak boy."
Danny: "Thank you again."

Josh: "We want Congress to sign off on funds for a hundred thousand new teachers. They say, fine, but you gotta stipulate that in Sex Ed classes..."
CJ: "Abstinence only?"
Josh: "Yes."
CJ: "I would no have trouble passing such a class."

Danny: "Want to have dinner?"
CJ: "With you?"
Danny: "Yes."
CJ: "I have to read a report on Sex Education."
Danny: "Hey-!"
CJ: "I'm anticipating any joke you could possibly make right now, and I'm not finding any of them funny."

Sam: "There is a town in Alabama that wants to abolish all laws except the Ten Commandments."
Toby: "I saw it."
Sam: "Well, they're going to have a problem."
Toby: "Because the Constitution prohibits religious activity in any form connected to government?"
Sam: "Good point. Two problems."
Toby: "Sam, I'm busy here."
Sam: "I just mean some of those commandments are pretty hard to enforce... Coveting thy neighbor's wife, for example. How are you going to enforce that one?"
Toby: "Sam!"
Sam: "We never have our chats anymore, Toby."
Toby: "What chats?"
Sam: "Our late night chats."
Toby: "Did we ever do that?"
Sam: "No."

Sam: "Leo, did you know there's a town in Alabama that wants to..."
Leo: "Yes."
Sam: "And what do you think?"
Leo: "Coveting thy neighbor's wife is gonna cause some problems."
Sam: "That's what I said. Plus, if I were arrested for coveting my neighbor's wife, when asked about it, I'd probably bear false witness."

Leo: "The point they're gonna make is that the rules discriminate against bananas from poorer Latin American countries."
Bartlet: "Are we a poor Latin American country?"
Leo: "No."
Bartlet: "Then why am I having this conversation?"

Bartlet: "Is Simon Blye coming in to meet with you today?"
Leo: "How did you know that?"
Bartlet: "I broke into your secret schedule compartment and took infrared photos with my compact camera."

Mrs. Landingham: (re: sex ed report) "Would you like to share what's in that report, sir?"
Bartlet: "With you?"
Mrs. Landingham: "Yes sir."
Bartlet: "No."
Mrs. Landingham: "May I ask why not, sir?"
Bartlet: "Because I'd rather not be in therapy for the rest of my life."

Josh: "I can hold my liquor."
Donna: "No, you can't."
Josh: "I can't drink with the best of them, Donna."
Donna: "You can't drink with any of them, Josh."
Josh: "I'm in politics, okay. I can drink."
Donna: "You have a very sensitive system."
Josh: "I wish you'd stop telling people that. It makes me sound like an idiot."

Josh: "There aren't going to be strippers there. Men don't like that anymore."
Donna: "Men don't like naked women anymore?"
Josh: "No, we still like naked women a lot. It's looking at them in a room full of your best friends that makes you feel a little..."
Donna: "Sleazy?"
Josh: "Uncomfortable."

Mandy: Josh, you sleep in a dumpster last night?
Josh: Possibly.

Donna: "Are you going to listen to me from now on?"
Josh: (under his breath) "I'm not listening to you now."
Donna: "I SAID, ARE YOU GONNA LISTEN-"
Josh: "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!!"

Bartlet: "CJ, look..."
CJ: "Don't start with me, Mr. President!"
Bartlet: "I was helping pass the time, I was being entertaining as well as instructive."
CJ: "I'm back in America now; I have rights. I'm no longer belted down next to the passenger from hell."
Leo: "Welcome back, Mr. President."
Bartlet: "Leo, what are you doing here?"
Leo: "I needed a minute, sir. How was the flight?"
Bartlet: "It was great."
CJ: "It was gruesome. If you'll look out the left side of the cabin you'll see the fjords. Then we got a history of the fjords. Then we got a quiz on the fjords. Do you have any idea how much I'd like to dress you up in lederhosen and drop-kick you into a fjord?"

Toby: "The Torah doesn't prohibit capital punishment."
Rabbi: "No."
Toby: "It says, 'An eye for an eye'."
Rabbi: "You know what it also says? It says a rebellious child can be brought to the city gates and stoned to death. It says homosexuality is an abomination and punishable by death. It says men can be polygamous and slavery is acceptable. For all I know, that thinking reflected the best wisdom of its time, but it's just plain wrong by any modern standard. Society has a right to protect itself, but it doesn't have a right to be vengeful. It has a right to punish, but it doesn't have to kill."

Toby: "You want me to go into the Oval Office and say, 'vengeance is not Jewish?'"
Rabbi: "Why not?"
Toby: "Well, for one thing, neither is the President!"

Josh: "By the way, Sam. Joey Lucas is waiting for me in my office right now."
Sam: "What's he like?"
Josh: "Well, for a campaign nanager he's got very nice legs."

Sam: "Leo, there are times when we are absolutely nowhere."

Father Cavanaugh: "Well, uh, where's the red phone?"
Bartlet: "We don't use the red phone anymore."
Father Cavanaugh: "Well, how do you talk to the Kremlin?"
Bartlet: "I tell Mrs. Landingham I want to talk to the Kremlin."

Bartlet: "I know it's hard to believe, but I prayed for wisdom."
Father Cavanaugh: "And none came?"
Bartlet: "It never has. And I'm a little pissed off about that."

Sam: "CJ, we've vetted the man. I'm not saying he's not a heavy drinker, I'm saying he doesn't drink!"
CJ: "Then what was he pulled over for?"
Sam: "Driving while being Hispanic."

CJ: "Why'd he refuse the breathalyser?"
Toby: "Because he's a crazy man who's out to ruin my life."

Sam: "Give me the bullet points."
CJ: "I understand this stuff."
Sam: "Excellent."
CJ: "I really do."
Sam: "I have complete confidence in you."
CJ: "Thank you."
Toby: "Give him the bullet points."
CJ: "I feel bathed in your confidence as well, Toby."

CJ: "I'm experiencing some pain."
Sam: "For how long?"
CJ: "About a month now, but it'll go away by itself."
Sam: "When?"
CJ: "When I die, Sam."

Sam: "Your teeth are the best friends you've got, CJ."
CJ: "They are?"
Sam: "You take care of them, they'll take care of you."
CJ: "When'd you start talking like this?"
Sam: "I'm nuts for dental hygiene."
CJ: "Go away. Now."

Bartlet: "'If the shoe fits'. Is that the best she could do?"
Leo: "Of her many transgressions, Mr. President, let's not worry about how she resorted to cliche."

Josh: "If only we'd stopped it right there. If only we'd said, 'Sorry, the President can't take any questions right now,' or, uh, 'We'll cover this in a briefing,' or, 'The building is on fire!'"

Toby: "How d'you know we're going east?"
Sam: "The sun rises in the east."
Toby: "It's dark outside!"
Sam: "Also, that bright star in the northern sky is Polaris."
Toby: "So what?"
Sam: "I'm using celestial navigation."
Toby: "Hey, Galileo, get off at the next exit and turn the car around."

Josh: "What the hell happened?"
CJ: "I had woot canaw."
Josh: "What happened to your cheeks?"
CJ: "I had woot canaw."
Josh: "Why are you talking like that?"
CJ: "I had woot canaw!"
Josh: "Yeah, I heard ya the first time, I was just amusing myself."
CJ: "I can suggesht some othew things you can do wiff yourseff."
Josh: "Are you in pain?"
CJ: "I HAD WOOT CANAW!"
Josh: "You're gonna need to stop saying that, 'cause you just look and sound so ridiculous."

CJ: "You get hostuwh."
Josh: "I get... hot stuff?"
CJ: "Hostile, hostile. You get HOSTILE."
Josh: "I don't get hostile! I don't get randomly hostile, I get hostile when hostility's called for."

CJ: "Josh, pwease, be vwey carefuhl. Twy vewy, vewy hard not to deshtwoy us."
Josh: "You shouldn't say that, CJ, you've got a great body."

Danny: "You really don't want to do this."
Josh: "Let me tell you something, mi compadre. You guys have been coddled. I'm not your girlfriend, I'm not your camp counsellor, and I'm not your sixth grade teacher you had a crush on. I'm a graduate of Harvard and Yale and I believe that my powers of debate can rise to meet the Socratic wonder that is the White House Press Corps." (walks away)
Danny: "Okey dokey."

Toby: "We've been navigating by the North Star, which turned out to be the Delta shuttle from LaGuardia. It's a miracle we're not in Nantucket right now."

Donna: "Oh my God, Josh. I mean, oh my God!"
Josh: "I can fix this."
Donna: "How?"
Josh: "I can fix this."
Donna: "I don't think you can."
Josh: "This'd be a great time to feel a little support from you, Donna!"
Donna: "You have my support, Josh."
Josh: "Do I?"
Donna: "Yes."
Josh: "Okay, good, that's a start. Tell me what you think I should do right now."
Donna: "Go into your office and come up with a secret plan to fight inflation.

CJ: "Do you know what it's gonna take fow me to fix this?"
Josh: "I'm gonna fix this."
CJ: "No you'we not. You awe not evew awwowed in my pwess woom again!"

Toby: "Have you fallen on your head?"
Josh: "Listen-"
Toby: "Have you fallen down and hit your head on something hard?"
Josh: "I feel really bad about this."
Toby: "You do?"
Josh: "Yes."
Toby: "Oh, well then I guess that's all that really matters."

CJ: "The Pwesident needs to be bwiefed on the events of the day."
Toby: "CJ, so help me if you use the words 'Pwesident' or 'bwiefed' again."

Charlie: "Sir. I need you to dig in now. It wasn't a nightmare, you really are the President."

Leo: "He's driving from Nova Scotia to Washington?"
Sam: "Yeah."
Leo: "How's a person do that?"
Sam: "Oh, my guess is, he'll take the Trans-Canada Highway to New Brunswick, then maybe catch the 1 and take the scenic route along the coast of Maine. 95 through New Hampshire to the Mass Pike, and then cut over to the Merritt Parkway round Milford."
Toby: "Something really kinda freakish about you, ya know that?"

Bartlet: "You told the press I have a secret plan to fight inflation?"
Josh: "No, I did not. Let me be absolutely clear, I did not do that. Except... yes, I did that."
Bartlet: "Josh, I'm a little confused."
Josh: "Sir, there was this idiotic round robin. It was sarcastic. There's no way they didn't know that. They were just mad at me for imposing discipline and calling them stupid!"
Bartlet: "Okay, before we go on. CJ, if blood is gushing from the head wound you just received from a stampeding herd of bison, you'll do the press briefing."

Josh: "I was crystal clear. They said, Do you think if the President has a plan to fight inflation, it's right that be keep it a secret? I said, Of course not-"
Bartlet: "Are you telling me that not only did you invent a secret plan to fight inflation, but now you don't support it?"

Leo: "Be that way."
Bartlet: "Your impersonation of my mother is getting sharper and sharper, you know that?"

Bartlet: "The press in a good mood?"
CJ: "No, Mr. President, I wouldn't say they were."
Bartlet: "Why not?"
CJ: "Well they're not wild about taking off at three o'clock in the morning, sir."
Bartlet: "It's going to be great! We're going to race the sun to the Pacific horizon!"
CJ: "I'll tell them that, sir. I'm sure it'll pick them right up."

Donna: "It's fantastic. It's Clinique's city block oil for daily face protector."
CJ: "SPF-15?"
Donna: "I brought the SPF-15 and the SPF-30."
CJ: "Have you tried the Lancome high-protection sunstick for face and lips?"
Donna: "No, did you bring it?"
CJ: "Plus the Elizabeth Arden modern skin care daily moisturizer."
Toby: "The two of you understand that we're going to be in California for one day?"
CJ: "There's tanning time between 2 and 4."
Donna: "And I have sensitive alabaster skin."
CJ: "Me, too."

Donna: "'Gather ye rosebuds while ye may', Josh. You know what that means? It means you should take this time to gather rosebuds 'cause later on you might not be able to."
Josh: "Interpreting the classics with poet laureate Donnatella Moss."

Josh: "How's he doing in there?"
Sam: "He's got that look on his face like he's thinking about ways to try and kill himself."

Bartlet: "This is a debate that is obviously going to continue in town halls, city halls, state legislatures, and the U.S. House of Representatives. There is a population in this country that seems to focus so much time and energy into this conversation, so much so that I am forced to ask this question: is there an epidemic of flag burning going on that I'm not aware of?"

Bartlet: "I mean it, man, is there an emergency-level outbreak of flag desecration no one's kept me posted on?"

Toby: "What, I'm not coming in the car?"
Bartlet: "No, and you know why? Because you made fun of the guacamole."
Toby: "I didn't!"
Bartlet: "I could tell you were thinking it."
Toby: "Fair enough."

Al: "Toby, you're smiling."
Toby: "I just figured out who you were."
Al: "He's gonna say Satan."
Toby: "No, you're the guy who runs into the Seven-Eleven to get Satan a pack of cigarettes."

CJ: "Pretend like you're talking to me again."
Sam: "Okay, but this time let's use code names."
CJ: "Where's Josh?"
Sam: "He's over there talking to that woman."
CJ: "Interesting."
Sam: "Of course it's possible they're just pretending to be talking."
CJ: "Indeed."

Joey: "Vox Populi, Vox Dei."
Josh: "The voice of the people is the voice of a dog."
Joey: "The voice of God, Joshua."
Josh: "God! Yes."

Lilly: "Your guy has a 48% approval rating. My guy's at 61. And bite me."
Sam: "Ah. Point well argued."

Josh: "You have to go to the meeting. I told them you'd be at the meeting. If you're not there they're going to start right out insulted."
Toby: "I go to this meeting, there's a decent chance they're going to end up insulted."

Josh: "We're gonna do 'good cop bad cop.'"
Toby: "No, we're really not."
Josh: "Why not?"
Toby: "'Cause this isn't an episode of Hawaii Five-Oh. How about you be the good cop I be the cop that doesn't go to the meeting?"
Josh: "You have to go to the meeting. I told them you'd be at the meeting. If you're not there they're going to start right out insulted."
Toby: "I go to this meeting, there's a decent chance they're going to end up being insulted."

Bartlet: "CJ, we don't handle my wife. When we try, you know what happens at the other end of this building?"
CJ: "You get a little punishment."
Bartlet: "I get a little punishment."

Bartlet: "Try to find out who those friends of my wife's are in the wire piece and take them out back and have them shot. Can I do that?"
Leo: "Yeah."
Bartlet: "Yeah, Leo says I can do that. It's going to be Phyllis, who has never liked me, it's going to be Susan who thinks I'm xenophobic because I don't like Mexican food. These are my wife's friends. Could be our old next-door neighbors, Herb and Marjorie Douglas. They're still angry at me because I accidentally ran them over with my car."

Toby: "You're concerned about American labor and manufacturing."
Congressman: "Yeah."
Toby: "What kind of car do you drive?"
Congressman: "Toyota."
Toby: "Then shut up."

Josh: "This, right here, this is the reason why you have a reputation as a pain in the ass."
Toby: "I've cultivated that reputation."

Josh: "You like winning, don't you?"
Toby: "It saves you from having to say the word 'please'."

Zoey: "Did you call me over here to make fun of me?"
Bartlet: "That was going to be a big part of my day."

Bartlet: "They don't like that the daughter of the president is dating a young black man."
Zoey: "Charlie?"
Bartlet: "Zoey, please don't tell me you're dating more than one guy."
Zoey: "No."
Bartlet: "Okay."
Zoey: "What is...?"
Bartlet: "'Cause one guy for you is actually one more than I'm comfortable with."

Gina: "You're looking at the girl whose job it is to jump in front of the bullet. I like it when she stays in her dorm and watches videos."

Mrs. Landingham: "I'm not used to having members of the print media in here."
Danny: "I'll try not to get ink on the furniture."
Mrs. Landingham: "Aw, Danny, and I was just about to offer you a cookie."
Danny: "And now?"
Mrs. Landingham: "No."

Danny: "I'd get in trouble with the First Lady."
Bartlet: "Welcome to the club, Danny. We had some jackets made."

Abbey: "And I concede I was wrong about the thing."
Bartlet: "Good."
Abbey: "However..."
Bartlet: "No. No 'however.' Just be wrong. Just stand there in your wrongness and be wrong and get used to it."

Donna: "How can you not know the difference between a Panda Bear and a Koala Bear?"
Josh: "For someone who hasn't quite mastered the alphabet..."
Donna: "My penmanship is distinctive."
Josh: "Your penmanship is illegible."

Mallory: "Sam?"
Sam: "It's my day of jubilee."
Mallory: "I despise you and everything you stand for."
Sam: "All right, my day was a little bit better a few seconds ago, but that's all right."
Mallory: "How could you write that position paper?"
Sam: "Which position paper?"
Mallory: "Don't play dumb with me."
Sam: "No, honestly, I am dumb. Most of the time I'm playing smart."

Josh: "I don't understand, Salvador Dali had distinctive penmanship?"
Donna: "Yes."
Josh: "How was it distinctive?"
Donna: "Well, for one thing, he wrote in Spanish."
Josh: "He was Spanish."
Donna: "Which would account for his distinctive penmanship."
Leo: "Excuse me, am I interrupting something important?"
Josh: "I can't even begin to tell you how you're not."

Sam: "Toby and I have spent the last three months putting a guy on the bench. The sun has set and I have earned my government salary and then some. I'm done working. And we haven't been out on a date and that's supposed to be tonight. Now we�re going to go in there and watch CJ do The Jackal. And believe me, if you haven't seen C.J. do The Jackal, then you haven't seen Shakespeare the way it was meant to be done. We're going to watch CJ do The Jackal and then we're going to get a late dinner, after which I may or may not kiss you good night. �Cause there is something going on between us, Mallory. But frankly, I don't think you're doing a very good job on your part, so I've decided to take over."
Mallory: "You're taking over?"
Sam: "Yes. Let's go."
Mallory: "Not much chance."
Sam: "I didn't think so, but you got to give me credit for trying."
Mallory: "Good night there, Skipper." (walks off)
Sam: "Apparently you don't have to give me credit for trying."

Sam: "So, Mallory read my position paper on school vouchers."
Leo: "Really?"
Sam: "Yeah."
Leo: "How do you suppose she got a hold of that?"
Sam: "As it turns out, you gave it to her."
Leo: "Mmm. School vouchers are a very serious subject with Mallory."
Sam: "Yeah, thanks for the heads up."
Leo: "I don't mind you dating my only daughter, but you can't expect me not to have some fun along the way."
Sam: "Mallory and I haven't actually been on a date yet."
Leo: "Well, you hang in there, son."

Josh: "There's a little speed bump with Jeff Breckenridge. Leo gave it to me because he thinks you're burned out after Mendoza. I said I thought that was ridiculous. What do you think?"
Toby: "Are you talking to me during The Jackal?"
Josh: "I was just..."
Toby: "Never talk to me during The Jackal!"

Sam: "The noon meeting on the Hill with Brennan and Landis?"
Cathy: "Yeah?"
Sam: "Let's see if we can cancel it."
Cathy: "Why?"
Sam: "I don't want to go?"
Cathy: "That's not a good enough reason."
Sam: "I really don't want to go."
Cathy: "You're going."

Sam: "You made an appointment?"
Mallory: "I didn't want to take advantage of the fact that we're dating."
Sam: "We're not dating."
Mallory: "That's kind of sad for you, isn't it?"

Mandy: "I think we should get a panda bear."
Josh: "You say that now but I'm the one who's gonna end up feeding him and walking him."

Margaret: "Hey, Toby."
Toby: "Hey there, Margaret."
Margaret: "Are you okay?"
Toby: "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"
Margaret: "You don't usually say 'hey there, Margaret'."
Toby: "What do I usually say?"
Margaret: "You usually growl something inaudible."
Toby: "Not today."
Margaret: "I see."
Toby: "You, on the other hand, should turn that frown upside down."
Margaret: "I'm sorry?"
Toby: "Let a smile be your umbrella, Margaret."
Margaret: "Okay now you're scaring the crap out of me, Toby."
Toby: (singing) "Grey skies are gonna clear up - Hey, Bobby - Put on a happy face - Hi, Janet."

Mandy: "You got two seconds?"
Toby: "Madeleine, you are charming, you are brilliant, and for you I have all the time in the world."
Mandy: "What's with him?"
Ginger: "It's the day after his day of jubilee."
Bonnie: "He never stays in a good mood this long."
Toby: "Bonnie, you are dedicated and you are beautiful. And Ginger, you are other nice things."

Toby: "I feel like I've lost 180 pounds. I am smiling, I am laughing, I am enjoying the people I work with - I gotta snap outta this. What's on your mind?"
Mandy: "I want you to help me get the Chinese to give us a new panda bear to replace Lum-Lum."
Toby: "Well that did the trick."

CJ: "I drove my boyfriend's Porsche once."
Charlie: "How'd it go?"
CJ: "Backed it into a pond."
Charlie: "Lost your driving privileges?"
CJ: "And the boyfriend."
Charlie: "It's a good car though."
CJ: "Yeah."

Charlie: "What are you reading?"
Bartlet: "Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior in Company and Conversation, by George Washington."
Charlie: "The George Washington?"
Bartlet: "The rules were drawn from an English translation of a French book of maxims. Washington copied them down when he was 14 years old." (reads) "'When you sit down, keep your feet firm and even, without putting one on the other or crossing them. Put not off your clothes in the presence of others, nor go out of your chamber half-dressed.' What a tightassed little priss he must've been."
Charlie: "Yes, sir."

Bartlet: "Do you think I could take George Washington?"
Charlie: "Take him at what, sir?"
Bartlet: "I don't know... a war?"
Charlie: "Could you have taken George Washington in a war?"
Bartlet: "Yeah."
Charlie: "Well, you'd have the Air Force and he'd have the Minutemen, right?"
Bartlet: "The Minutemen were good."
Charlie: "Still, I think you could probably take him."

Bartlet: (reading) "'In public, put not your hands on any part of your body that is usually covered'."
CJ: (beat) "Well, I do what it takes to keep the press corps happy, Mr. President."

Bartlet: "You didn't know it was raining?"
Toby: "To our credit, sir, we knew it was raining once it started to rain."

CJ: "The theme of the Egg Hunt is 'learning is delightful and delicious' - as, by the way, am I."

Margaret: "Anyway, she sent me an e-mail about the actual calorie count in the raisin muffin they're serving in the mess. I forwarded the e-mail to several hundred assistants and secretaries in O.E.O.B. and in the West Wing, and that was fine. But Jolene Millman, who works in political liaison, then hit reply, which apparently-"
Leo: "Oh, Margaret! Margaret! I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to... I hung in there as long as I could, but you long since passed the point when I stopped caring. If you're curious, it was right around raisin muffin."

Mrs. Landingham: "You're not getting enough ruffage in your diet, you know I'm right about that."
Bartlet: "I know I'd like to beat you senseless with a head of cabbage, I know that for damn sure."
Mrs. Landingham: "Once again you display an immaturity about vegetables that I think is not at all presidential."

Mrs. Landingham: "Charlie, tell the President he will eat his salad and if he doesn't like it he knows where to put his salad."
Charlie: "Well I don't think I will tell the President that, Mrs. Landingham, but I appreciate your help."
Mrs. Landingham: "You bet."

Sam: "Eleven hundred and forty-five were discharged from being gay in 1998."
Toby: "That's a record."
Sam: "It's a ninety-two percent increase since 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' was implemented. Four hundred and fourteen Air Force discharges - the highest in two decades. Two hundred and seventy-one of them during basic training at Lackland Air Force Base. Two hundred and seventy-one during basic training."
Toby: "Major, what the hell is going on at Lackland Air Force Base?"
Major Tate: "I don't like your sense of humour."
Toby: "I get that a lot."

Josh: "How do you know to be standing here?"
Donna: "I see you at the window."
Josh: "You don't have a window."
Donna: "You have a window."
Josh: "What are you doing in my office when I'm not there?"
Donna: "Looking for you at the window."
Josh "Okay."

Fitzwallace: "I also think the military wasn't designed to be an instrument of social change."
Major Tate: "Yes, sir."
Fitzwallace: "The problem with that is that what they were saying to me fifty years ago. Blacks shouldn't serve with Whites. It would disrupt the unit. You know what? It did disrupt the unit. The unit got over it. The unit changed. I'm an admiral in the U.S. Navy and chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff... Beat that with a stick."

Margaret: "I was simply informing the others that the calorie count in the raisin muffin was wrong. And it is, Toby. You don't believe me... You should take one of those muffins and you know, take it down to the lab."
Toby: "I'll do that."
Margaret: "Will you?"
Toby: "Get me a muffin. Be careful not to handle it yourself. You want to use gloves. Slip it to me in a plastic bag. I'll send it off to the lab."
Margaret: "You're mocking me now, aren't you?"
Toby: "Yes."

Leo: "We dropped five points in a week?"
Toby: "Yeah."
Leo: "We didn't do anything last week."
Toby: "I'll say."

Bartlet: "Just once, in this job, I'd like to end a day feeling as good as I did when the day started."

Leo: "We're gonna lose some of these battles, and we might even lose the White House, but we're not gonna be threatened by issues, we're gonna put 'em front and center. We're gonna raise the level of public debate in this country and let that be our legacy. That sound all right to you, Josh?"
Josh: "I serve at the pleasure of the president of the United States."
Leo: "Yeah?"
CJ: "I serve at the pleasure of the president."
Sam: "I serve at the pleasure of President Bartlet."
Leo: "Toby?"
Toby: "I serve at the pleasure of the president."
Leo: "Good. Let's get in the game."

Reporter: "Looks like the President ate his Wheaties this morning."
CJ: "Actually, the President had a bowl of oatmeal this morning. He said it was something he always wanted to try."

Josh: (answering phone) "Hi, Senator. Why don't you take your legislative agenda and shove it up your ass?" (hangs up)

Bonnie: "Rambo!"
Josh: "You talking to me?"
Bonnie: "Nice phone call."
Josh: "That's how we do things in New England, my friends."
Bonnie: "In Indiana, we're not allowed to talk like that."
Ginger: "In New Jersey, we encourage it."

Toby: "Okay. Sam?"
Sam: "Yeah?"
Toby: "You're gonna come to a verb soon, right?"
Sam: "Okay, you know what this is called?"
Toby: "Bad writing?"
Sam: "Imagery."
Toby: "Well, you say potato."

Josh: "I met her twice, Toby."
Sam: "Yeah, but, one of those times, she broke your heart. You know the way women can do. Where they take your heart and they throw it on the floor and then they stomp on it with their big high heels. She�s a very beautiful and interesting woman. I can see why a lot of guys would go for her." (pause) "You know, there's nothing at all I'm saying now of any value. So, I think the thing to do is... I think I should just keep writing."

Toby: "Any time you want to use punctuation, that'd be fine."

Donna: "You should notice that Josh has on a nice suit."
Margaret: "That is a nice suit."
Josh: "Donna!"
Donna: "We'll call it his Joey Lucas suit..."
Josh:"Donna!"
Donna: "...you know from now on."
Margaret: "Joey Lucas is coming?"
Josh: "We need a California expert and this is my regular Tuesday suit."
Margaret: "You assign your clothes days of the week?"

Donna: "I'm beginning to regret not getting the waffles."
Leo: "I am beginning to regret having hired any of you!"

Leo: "One step at a time."
Sam: "That's what Toby just said."
Leo: "Toby's right."
Sam: "Yes, does anyone remember that I was put in charge?"
Leo: "It was an honorary kind of thing, Sam."

Leo: "I'm perfectly calm."
Sam: "You're not calm, Leo. You're acting like a nervous hooleilia."
Toby: "A what?"
Sam: "It may not be a word. It may just be something my mother used to say."

Leo: "The list of names I gave you before."
Margaret: "Dalton, Dawson, Foxworthy, Greer, Morgenthau, Stackhouse, Sugarbaker."
Leo: "You didn't have to memorize them."
Margaret: "I couldn't help it."
Leo: "Okay."
Margaret: "My mind works that way."

Steve: "My boss is ready to set the building on fire."
Sam: "Your boss will be arrested, as I'm quite sure that's against the law."

Andy: "You should come sit next to me."
Toby: "I'm wearing a suit."
Andy: "So am I."
Toby: "I'm a responsible adult."
Andy: "I'm a member of the United States Congress."
Toby: "I rest my case."

Toby: "You went out on a date with the executive advisor for the Baltimore Orioles?"
Andy: "Toby, are you upset that I went out on a date? Or are you upset that I went out on a date with someone who plays in the same division as the Yankees?"
Toby: "Honest to God, I'm not sure."

Sam: "I'm gonna call the Senator and I'm gonna tell him that he can take his legislative agenda and stick it up his ass!"
Josh: "I already did that."

Josh: "I wore this suit, special today. This isn't my regular Tuesday suit."
Joey: "You have a regular Tuesday suit?"

Toby: "You call the First Lady Dr. Bartlet?"
Bartlet: "Just for the turn-on."

Donna: "They gotta start the poll, Josh. It's 7:05."
Josh: "It's 10 to 7."
Donna: "No, it's really not."
Josh: "It's 7:05?"
Donna: "Yeah."
Josh: "That's ridiculous."
Donna: "I'm not making it up."
Josh: "My watch says 10 to 7."
Donna: "That's cause your watch sucks."
Josh: "My watch is fine."
Donna: "Your watch says 10 to 7."
Josh: "How do I know it isn't 10 to 7?"
Donna: "'Cause those large clocks on the wall that are run by the U.S. Navy say your watch sucks. In fact, they say your watch sucks in four different time zones."

Toby: "Since when are you an expert on language?"
CJ: "In polling models?"
Toby: "Okay."
CJ: "1993. Since when are you an uptight pain in the ass?"
Toby: "Since long before that."

Barry: "Those quotes were anonymous."
Leo: "Not any more."
Barry: "I gave those quotes on the condition of anonymity."
Leo: "Hey, I know how you feel. I went to drug rehab on the condition of anonymity. Maybe you read about it in the papers."

Bartlet: "What do we do with him?"
Sam: "Make him the Ambassador to Paraguay."
Bartlet: "What do we do with the Ambassador to Paraguay?"
Sam: "Make him Ambassador to Bulgaria."
Bartlet: "I like this. Of course, if everybody keeps moving up one, I can go home."

Joey: (via Kenny) "It's almost hard to believe you're not married."
Josh: "Oh-ho-ho, many have tried!"

Margaret: "Want to hear a joke?"
Leo: "Uh... Okay."
Margaret: "You know why they only eat one egg for breakfast in France?"
Leo: "Why?"
Margaret: "'Cause in France, one egg is un oeuf."

CJ: "I'm trying to meet a deadline, Josh. I've got a 48 hour window and you can't stand here distracting the female callers."
Josh: (to the room) "Am I distracting the female callers?"
Women: "No."
CJ: "Josh."
Josh: "Not even a little bit?"

Sam: "I've drafted a letter of resignation."
Toby: "Well you're not going to give it to him, Sam, because that would deny me the pleasure of throwing you out through a plate glass window."
Sam: "You have every right to say that."
Toby: "Thank you for acknowledging that right."

Bartlet: "Look, he's a good man, a smart man; I think he'd make a very good corporate officer."
Ted: "Why is he being fired, sir?"
Bartlet: "Gross incompetence."

Cochran: "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."
Charlie: "Well, I'm Personal Aide to the President, so my supervisor's a little busy right now trying to find a back door to this place to shove you out of. But I'll let him know you�d like to lodge a complaint."

Cochran: "I think it would be appropriate at this time, Mr. President, to make a confession."
Bartlet: "What's that?"
Cochran: "I never voted for you."
Bartlet: "Well, thanks for trying, but here I am anyway."

Bartlet: "You come to the end of a long day, you sit back, you open a beer, you watch a sporting event. That's what men do."
Charlie: "They watch girls' softball?"
Bartlet: "When that's what's on, that's what they watch. It's that, or a cricket match betweeen Scotland and Bermuda. Now, I am an educated man, Charlie, but when somebody tries to explain cricket to me, all I want to do is hit them in the head with a teapot."

Toby: "It's a stealth fighter; it should have stealth capabilities, right?"
Josh: "Sure."
CJ: "'Cause if it doesn't we should call it something else."

Josh: "You've had some experience battling Jed Bartlet when he's right, and you've had some experience battling him when he's popular. Why in the world would you want to try it when he's both at the same time?"
Hoynes: "You know something, Josh, sometimes I wonder if I'd listened to you two years ago, would I be President right now? Do you ever wonder that?"
Josh: "No, sir, I know it for sure."

CJ: "I have to congratulate you, Carol. I was afraid I was going to see Saudi Arabia spelled with a 'y'."
Carol: "CJ, I'm a much better speller than you give me credit for."
CJ: "Yes. One 'l' in Tel Aviv."

(Charlie and Zoey are talking in Josh's office as he enters)
Charlie: "Zoey, I work in the White House with some of the smartest people in the world."
(crash - Josh goes to sit down at his desk and falls to the floor)

Danny: "CJ, I'm not staying in the penalty box forever. I have covered the White House for eight years and I've done it with the New York Times, the Washington Post, Time Magazine, and the Dallas Morning News! And I'm telling you you can't mess me around like this!"
CJ: "Danny, I just gotta tell you, that was - seriously - that was a turn-on when you said that, though I don't know why you decided to be your most haughty on the Dallas Morning News in that sentence."

Bartlet: "You're not going to spoil my good time for me."
Mrs. Landingham: "Oh, sir, I think we both know from experience that's not true."
Bartlet: "Yeah."
Mrs. Landingham: "You need to be in the car ten minutes ago, Mr. President."
Bartlet: "Do you see me walking out the door?"
Mrs. Landingham: "No, I see you standing and arguing with a senior citizen."

Bartlet: "'We hold these truths to be self-evident,' they said, 'that all men are created equal.' Strange as it may seem, that was the first time in history that anyone had ever bothered to write that down. Decisions are made by those who show up."


Season 2 Quotes
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