BANANACUE
REPUBLIC
Vol I, No. 11
Nov 17, 2004
DRIVE-THRU (Letters)
ARCHIVE
#1170
Comment to When
You Seek
Thank
you for writing about this topic today. You don’t know it but this
"seeking of happiness outside myself" is an issue I have been
working on consciously for almost a year now… and you’re right it’s
not an easy task. I have read the Dalai Lama book and it was the book that
inspired me to pursue this inner work, and what better place to learn it
than in a relationship… or better yet, after one.
I’ve
had a few significant loves in the past and each one I learned a lot from.
One constant thing was that each of them brought out my neuroses and
weaknesses to work on. They too, on occasion brought out the good in me.
However, when the relationship had to end, I was left with a feeling of
sadness. But sadness for what? Perhaps I was sad because I was missing
them or just the "being" in a relationship? How come I can’t
stay the happy, strong, empowered, self-sufficient woman that I am when
they go? Now I know it’s not them that I miss… I miss
the "me" that goes when they go. And I vowed to myself to change
this.
Last
year, I met someone but it was meant to be one of those short, but
intensely life-changing love experiences. Let’s call him Seth. I told
Seth that the Dalai Lama has this beliefs about relationships that I
intellectually comprehend but emotionally didn’t understand. And that it
was with him that I chose to learn what the Dalai Lama was teaching.
As
soon as we started to get to know each other, I realized he is the male
version of me. We knew exactly what the other was thinking and feeling and
we could anticipate each other’s actions and thoughts. I swear there
were nights I can hear his heart beating just by attuning to it. It was
both exciting and scary to be this intimate with another human being. He
carries with him this beautiful energy… gentle, soothing and yet strong
at the same time. This relationship with Seth was different. Sure my
neurosis and weaknesses kicked in as soon as he stepped into my life but
what was amazing was how I dealt with each one when I was with him.
Seth,
without doing anything brought out the best in me. Being around him made
me want to become a better person. He doesn’t know it but he helped me
"touch" heaven when we were together by inspiring me to make
better choices for myself… choices I wouldn’t normally make before I
met him. Being with him reminded me what I was made of … fearless,
strong and empowered. A woman found… reinvented. For me Seth was like a
conduit that connected me with the "Highest Possible Me". I was
all the time happy, strong and excited about Life. Then it hit me. What
will happen to me when he leaves? What will happen when the conduit gets
disconnected?
Before
Seth left, he gave me a ring. I continue to wear this ring not because I
have delusions of him coming back and us getting back together. I wear the
ring to remind the "me" to stay and not leave with him. It’s
not an easy task when the challenge of life is to forget. The work is to
strive to always remember. Each day I have to work at it and remember.
But
making conscious and empowered decisions for myself is becoming easier.
There are bad days when I don’t know what the heck I’m doing… but
then there are good days too when my own heartbeat is loud and clear. One
day when I’m ready, I know the ring will have to go.
Mari, Manila (11/12/04)
<<back
Posted
11/16/04. Send your comment to
[email protected]