A Lovecraft Christmas
by Paul M. Lemieux, copyright 1989.  
``With apologies to Clement Moore.''  
To the tune of ``'Twas the Night Before Christmas'':
 
Twas the night before Yuletide and all through the hole
Not a creature was stirring, not even a Dhole
Aldebaren hung at the right place at nine
In the hopes that Great Cthulhu would come out this time
The Fungi from Yuggoth, all snug in their caves
Were plotting to turn all the people to slaves
The Deep Ones in Rlyeh, the Ghouls in their graves
Were dancing and singing and acting depraved
When what do my wondering eyes should appear
But a mouldering sleigh and eight corpselike reindeer
With a horrible driver so leprous and reeking
I knew right away that my fear was unspeaking
The reindeer were gross, as they flew up from hell
And It hoarsely whispered and chanted a spell
Ia Shub Niggurath!  Cthulhu ftagn!
Nyarlathotep! I summon you on!
As decomposed flesh before the charnel stench rise
And meet with the open air polluting the skies
Up to the housetop the horror it rose
And the gangrenous odors assailed my nose
And then in a slopping noise heard on the roof
The lumbering clomping of octopoid hoofs
As I drew in my head and was turning around
The horror lurched into my room with a bound
Its eyes how they pulsate
So bulbous and gory
This blasphemous creature
So noxious and hoary
I was frozen by fear, my feet woudn't run
I threw up my cookies, this wasn't much fun
It whispered my name and said ``You come with I''
I tried to refuse and it said ``Then you die.''
It came at my throat with its grim claws extended
But a miracle saved its victim intended
I had three Elder Signs in a slot in the floor
It screamed with a fiendish sound and went out the door
It sprang to its sleigh, and its team gave a surge
And away they all flew to the sound of a dirge
I heard it exclaim as it flew out of sight
``You're lucky this time, for the stars weren't right.''

T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF
PLASTER AND STONE.

I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO
IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.

I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
NOT EVEN A TREE.

NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES
OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.

WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT
CAME THROUGH MY MIND.

FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.

THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,
SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR
IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.

THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED
A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.

WAS THIS THE HERO OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO, THE FLOOR FOR A BED?
I REALIZED THE FAMILIES
THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS
WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.

SOON ROUND THE WORLD,
THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE
A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.

THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM
EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.

I COULDN'T HELP WONDER
HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE
IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.

THE VERY THOUGHT
BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES
AND STARTED TO CRY.

THE SOLDIER AWAKENED
AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
"SANTA DON'T CRY,
THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;

I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."

THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER
AND SOON DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,
I CONTINUED TO WEEP.

I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED
FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.

I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE
ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR
SO WILLING TO FIGHT.

THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA,
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."

ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH, AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."

'TWAS THE WEEK AFTER CHRISTMAS
  AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE
  NOT ONE PC WAS WORKING
  NOT EVEN A MOUSE.
 
  I TURNED ON THE POWER
  BUT NOTHING WAS WORKING
  I GRAB THE COMPUTER
  AND START BANGING AND JERKING.
 
  I LAID OUT THREE GRAND
  FOR THIS BIG PIECE OF JUNK
  AND ON JANUARY 1ST
  IT WENT "KERPLUNK!"
 
  WHEN I THREW IT OUT THE WINDOW
  IT MADE SUCH A CLATTER
  MY NEIGHBOR JUST CALLED
  TO SEE WHAT'S THE MATTER.
 
  I TURNED ON THE TV
  THE CABLE IS DOWN
  MY MICROWAVE OVEN
  IS MAKING WEIRD SOUNDS.
 
  MY NEW VCR
  IS AS DEAD AS A ROCK
  NOT ONE LIGHT IS BLINKING
  NOT EVEN THE CLOCK.
 
  IT'S TWENTY BELOW
  THE PEAK OF SNOW SEASON
  THE FURNACE WON'T WORK
  AND THE PIPES ARE ALL FREEZING
 
  THIS COULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED
  AT A WORSE TIME
  I THINK I HAVE FROSTBITE
  ON MY BEHIND.
 
  I LAUGHED FOR A SECOND
  AND THOUGHT IT ALL FUNNY
  THEN A CALL FROM MY BANK
  IN REGARD TO MY MONEY.
 
  "WE MANAGED YOUR PENSION
  AND SAVINGS WITH CARE
  BUT FOR SOME ODD REASON
  YOUR MONEY'S NOT THERE
 
  WE WERE Y2K READY
  WE'D THOUGHT WE'D BE HEROES
  BUT REGRET TO INFORM YOU
  YOUR NEW BALANCE IS..ZERO!"
 
  I DROP THE RECEIVER
  TO THE BATHROOM I RUSH
  I PUSH DOWN THE HANDLE
  THE TOILET WON'T FLUSH.
 
  I TURNED ON THE FAUCET
  NOT ONE DROP HITS THE SINK
  I HEAD OUT THE DOOR
  TO THE PUB FOR A DRINK.
 
  I JUMP IN THE CAR
  TURN THE KEY IN THE SWITCH
  IT ONLY GOES "CLICK"
  I YELL, "SON OF A B----H!"
 
  A COMPUTERIZED IGNITION
  HAS JUST SEALED MY FATE
  'CAUSE IT'S NOT SET UP
  FOR THE "2000" DATE.
 
  I TWITCH LIKE A MADMAN
  THIS CANNOT BE TRUE
  NO CAR, HEAT, OR MONEY
  WHAT THE H--L CAN I DO?
 
  SHOUTING OBSCENITIES
  AS I RAN OUT OF SIGHT
  HAPPY Y2K TO ALL
  IT'S BEEN ONE H-L OF A NIGHT!