"COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive by paying less than our
   competitors.
 
   "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:" We have no time to train you; you'll
   have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
 
   "NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:" Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years
ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.
 
   "IMMEDIATE OPENING:" The person who used to have this job gave notice
   a month ago.  We're just now running the ad.
 
   "SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:" We're not going to
supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for
your first commission check.
 
   "SELF-MOTIVATED:" Management won't answer questions.
 
   "WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:"  After 90 days, you can join our HMO,
    which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.
 
   "PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:" After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund
    your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent
matching contribution.
 
   "SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:"...who still live
with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
 
   "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll
dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
 
   "COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:" We have a lot of turnover.
 
   "EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Guys in gray suits will
bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
 
   "JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:" We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
 
   "FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Your coworkers will be insulted if you don't
    drink with them.
 
   "A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:" We booze it up at company parties.
 
   "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:"  You'll be six months behind schedule on
your first day.
 
   "SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:"  If we're in trouble, you'll go on
    TV and get us out of it.
 
   "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:" Some time each night and some time each
weekend.
 
   "SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k:" We'll offer you $22k to start.
 
   "A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:" You'll give boring speeches on your own
time.
 
   "FLEXIBLE HOURS:" Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
 
   "DUTIES WILL VARY:" Anyone in the office can boss you around.
 
   "WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED:" Those who missed the last round of
layoffs, that is.
 
   "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:" We have no quality control.
 
   "COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:" Unless you wasted those four years
studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.
 
   "CAREER-MINDED:" Female Applicants must must be childless (and remain
that way).
 
   "APPLY IN PERSON:"  If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the
position
    has been filled.
 
   "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:" We've filled the job; our call for resumes
is
    just a legal formality.
 
   "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: " You'll need
it to replace three people who just left.
 
   "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:" You're walking into a company in
perpetual chaos.
 
   "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:" You'll have the responsibilities
of a manager, without the pay or respect.
 
   "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:" Management communicates, you listen,
figure out what they want and do.
 
   "ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:" You whine, you're fired.
 
   "ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY:"  We loooooove
brown-nosers.
 
   "I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:" I'm usually on
Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
 
   "I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &
ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:"  I talk too much and like to tell other people
what to do.
 
   "I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"  I've
used Microsoft Office.
 
   "I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office supplies.
 
   "MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:"  I hope you don't ask me
about all the McJobs I've had.
 
   "I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:"  I blame others for my mistakes.
 
   "I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:"  I'll keep crystals at my desk and do
    Tai Chi  in the lunch room.
 
   "I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:"  I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I
tell
    them badly.
 
   "I'M PERSONABLE:"  I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to
    co-workers.
 
   "I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:"  As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's
better.
 
   "I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:"  I carry a Day-Timer.
 
   "MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:"  You're probably
looking for someone more experienced.
 
   "I AM ADAPTABLE:"   I've changed jobs a lot.
 
   "I AM ON THE GO:"  I'm never at my desk.
 
   "I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:"  The minute I find a better job,
I'm outta there.
 
   "I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:"  I'm a college drop-out.
 
   "I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:"   I've been accused of sexual
    harassment.
 
   "THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: " Wait! Don't throw me
away!
 
   "I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:"  Like, I'm gonna hold my
breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me "for my interest
and wishing  me luck in my future career".